high school

Rachel Bertsche left her oldest and dearest friends behind when she moved to Chicago for love. Now that she's settled in the Midwest, she's on the hunt for a new best friend. She says if there were no such thing as online predators, she'd post a want ad on Craigslist: "MWF Seeking BFF: Must live in Chicago. Must not bring her dog to lunch dates. Fluency in Entertainment Weekly preferred but not required." Instead, she's doing it the old-fashioned way-getting out there and introducing herself to one potential Bestie at a time. Her blog, www.mwfseekingbff.com, chronicles her quest. MWF Seeking BFF, the book, will be out in early 2012.

 

(Rachel is the woman in the middle of the picture with her high school friends.) Thanks, Rachel, for contributing the guest post below. We can't wait to read your book!

 

For as long as I can remember, I've surrounded myself with best friends. In fifth grade, there were seven of us. We called ourselves LYLAS (Love Ya Like A Sister). We wrote on each other's binders and sang obnoxiously loud to En Vogue's "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" during recess. Senior year of high school, I shared a yearbook page with my four closest friends. Nine years later we took a "Senior page!" picture at my wedding. By the first quarter of my sophomore year of college, I could have told you whom I'd live with when we were seniors. When that time came and we all moved into a house together, people started referring to us by our address. "Is 1113 coming?"

 

Despite this, or perhaps because of it, whenever a change is on the horizon the fear of feeling friendless is my foremost concern. The night before I left for college, I tiptoed into my parents' bedroom, as surprised as they were by the tears I couldn't get under control. I'd been eager to head off to school since I was 16-it'll be like summer camp!-and suddenly the idea of not finding the perfect group had me inconsolable. I found dear friends, of course, as we all do that first year on campus. There's nothing like dishing about mid-terms, frat parties, finances and drama-filled romances (I thought we were a couple! Turns out we were friends with benefits!) to forge lifelong friendships.

 

So when my boyfriend and I moved to Chicago to end the long-distance aspect of our relationship (he'd been in law school in Philly, I was working in New York), the fact that I didn't have Besties in the Windy City wasn't lost on me. Almost all my close friends, including two lifelong BFFs, were in New York. But by 25, I'd had enough experience meeting new people that I'd figured a new set of best friends would emerge naturally. Besides, after three years away from Matt, all I cared about was that we were in the same zip code. I'd deal with the friends part later.

 

Almost three years later, it's, well, later. Matt and I are married. We have great jobs, an apartment I'll never take for granted after living in an East Village six-story walkup, and close family blocks away. We've set up a life as close to perfect as I could have imagined when we concocted this plan, except one thing. I never did deal with the friends part.

 

As it turns out, the post-college, pre-baby phase is the exact wrong time to make new BFFs. The workplace may be a relationship breeding ground, but after spending five long days together, the weekends seem to be reserved for those you can't eat lunch with at the office cafeteria. The friends I'm looking for are of the grab-Sunday-brunch-at-the-last-minute variety. Women I'll call to say, "Do you have an outfit I can borrow for tonight?" or "Want to grab a drink?" or "I'm in your neighborhood, can I come up?" I want someone to sit and analyze every potential purchase, awkward run-in, and celebrity debacle that took place that week. I've met plenty of women I could email to set up dinner in a month, but if Matt has to work late on short notice, I've got no one to invite over to watch Glee.

 

Lifelong friends can't be replaced, and no matter who I find (or don't find) in Chicago, my closest friends will always be my closest friends. But BFFs can be supplemented, because no matter how great a heart-to-heart over the phone is, there's something much less isolating about bonding face to face.

 

I've accepted that college is over and BFF bonds are no longer formed over dorm room fries or Wednesday night study groups. If I want a local best friend, I'm going to have to go find one. As with the hunt for anything that's lost, my search starts now, with a single question: If I were my BFF, where would I be?

 

Any suggestions for Rachel? Feel free to post them below!

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

My BFF from high school and I were so tight--even beyond our school years. We never had a falling out or a fight, just suddenly stopped talking a few years ago. I friended her on Facebook recently. She friended me back...and then, total silence on both our parts for many, many months.

 

It's awkward. I still do care about her dearly. So strange to look at her life without me in it in any way. She feels like a stranger. Was it wrong to request her friendship on Facebook before clearing the air? Should I let more time pass? Make the first move? Any advice you can share about a failed friendship and Facebook would be very helpful!

Janene

ANSWER

Dear Janene:

During the high school and college years, women (and men) change tremendously as they begin to mature and pursue their life goals, both personal and professional. Because so much change takes place, it's common for friendships, even very close ones, to fall apart as lives and interests diverge.

 

Since you friended your BFF on Facebook and she responded, there must still be some warm feelings between you. But they may be based on shared history alone rather than based on a connection between the two people you have become.

 

She has become somewhat of a stranger to you now as you are to her. Why don't you send her an email or private message on Facebook and tell her a little bit about your life since you last knew each other? You can mention that you think of her dearly. See if she responds.

 

But please don't think of the friendship you had as one that failed. It worked for that period of time. And don't have unrealistic expectations of picking it up where you left it because it may or may not work now.

 

In any case, you have little to lose by reaching out and trying.

Best,
Irene

 

This blog post originally appeared on the Long Island Exchange relationship blog of Janene Mascarella.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

My "best" friend and I have been friends since last year. Sometimes I feel like I love her; other times, she’s my worst enemy. She comes from a controlling and abusive family and I was always there for her to get through it.

I just turned 18, and I realize more and more that she’s doing the same things to me that her mom did to her. I’ve watched her lie and manipulate older men and she’s only 17. She brought me into these situations to help her be more convincing. It made me feel guilty but I couldn’t do anything about it. I’ve lost almost all of my old friends because of her telling me they talk bad about me behind my back. She’s changed me into becoming more promiscuous and she gets me to meet new guys to "make me feel more confident." She says I can’t do it on my own because I’m too shy. Then she finds something bad about them to make me from stop talking to them if I start spending more time with one of them and not her.

She even said something about my parents not caring about me. She "jokingly" calls me stupid and puts me down. Other times, she tries to make me feel better about myself. She found me a job with her but if I do something wrong, she makes me feel like a bad friend because she throws it in my face about how she got me the job and all the other great things she’s done for me.

I wish I had an escape but I’m still in high school and I happen to live a street away from her and she knows almost everything about me, even that I may have an STD because of a guy she hooked me up with.

Signed,
Heather

ANSWER

Dear Heather:

As a woman and as a mom, my heart goes out to you because it sounds like you are in a particularly painful situation for someone your age. Even if you desperately want to, it’s hard to escape from a girlfriend who lives near you, goes to school with you, has some of the same friends as you, and works with you.

It’s great that you have insight and recognize that this relationship is toxic. Your friend has you hooked on the excitement she provides but the costs are too great. She undermines your self-confidence---and tries to manipulate and control you.

You were brave to tell me about your worries and that you want to make positive changes. Although it will be difficult, you need to find a way to back off from this friendship. If you don't feel comfortable talking to one of your parents, I suggest that you talk to another trusted adult, perhaps a counselor at your high school, who can provide support to help you find a way to end this risky relationship. Also, make an appointment with a physician so you can reassure yourself about your health and can cross an STD off your worry list.

 

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

I'm so glad that I happened upon this website. I've been struggling with my relationship with my long-time, former-best-friend Linda. It's been a gradual deterioration over the last couple of years and a long grieving process. I'm trying to figure out if this friendship is worth salvaging or if I just need to talk to her to gain some closure.

 

Linda and I had been thick as thieves since our sophomore year of high school 11 years ago. Along the way, there have been times of distance, which generally occurred when she was in a relationship. The biggest difference between us is that she always bemoaned the fact that she didn't have a huge group of friends, while I've always been content to have a few close ones. Our friendship was probably its healthiest in high school. I don't know when it changed exactly, but within the last few years since exiting university and entering the working world, I have become the one who listens, without being heard.

 

Linda had a particularly unhealthy romantic relationship a couple of years ago. I tried to be supportive of her feelings and not be judgmental. But our almost daily conversations, which often lasted for hours upon hours, were completely focused on the current drama in that relationship. It became exhausting and as someone who unfortunately likes feeling helpful, I didn't curb her excessive and repetitive discussions. Eventually things ended badly with that guy, but the phone calls remained the same.

 

Shortly aftert, Linda reconnected with a classmate, Ann, from college and the three of us started to hang out. Ann is very outgoing, has a huge social circle (which is slightly overwhelming to me as I am somewhat shy) and is very active in the Catholic youth ministry in our city. Linda used to be incredibly uncomfortable with overt religiosity, but she found Ann fun to hang out with, despite her focus on faith. Eventually, Linda hung out more and more with the group, especially when she fell for Ann's brother, who is also very religious. Linda started to become more religious herself. While, I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, it did seem out of character. Then she became further involved by becoming a youth minister herself.

 

While she would still call to complain and vent, she was not calling to hang out on the weekends like we used to. She only called for what felt like a therapy session. Our friendship had become taxing and one-sided. I missed doing things with Linda like shopping, and going to movies and bars, etc., getting out and laughing instead of just wallowing and worrying. I'm a fairly independent person and I do enjoy time alone but I get depressed when I have no social outlet whatsoever. And that's how it ended up. From the summer of 2006, she has been steadily less available to hang out, but always, at least until recently, ready to call me when she's needed a sympathetic ear.

 

I have a few other great friends that I would say are just as close and important to me as Linda has been, but unfortunately, they live in various spots across the country. I talk to them and email them frequently, but due to the distance we aren't able to be together. ike I can be more open about how I feel with them than I can with Linda. Somewhere along the line, I stopped trying to communicate my feelings or frustrations because she would give me a one-line response that inevitably brought her back to herself.

 

About a year ago, I finally decided to go after my dream of teaching ESL abroad and this past February, I moved to Chile for about 6 months. It was a great experience which cemented the direction I want to take my life at least for now. I've been home a few months and am planning to go off on the next adventure in spring. But the professional motivation aside, I also thought it would be good to have some space from Linda. We still wrote each other emails, but she's not big on writing, preferring phone conversation, so she wasn't venting nearly as much. I felt good with that distance and thought it might help how I'd feel about it all when coming home.

 

However, in June she started dating another youth minister. I've seen her only three times since I came home in August and she doesn't call me much. We haven't spoken for 3 weeks, which would have previously been unheard of. Two months ago, she apologized for not calling, saying she's been busy with her boyfriend but that I need to call her on it, keep things up because she's just so distracted with him. But I am being stubborn and not calling very much. I did initiate our last get together after she sent me a one line note via Facebook asking me what I was up to. Coming from her, who has always been so resistant to online communication, I was hurt that she didn't just call me.

 

I've felt pretty depressed about my social life since coming home. It's been fairly non-existent aside from spending a lot of time helping a friend with her wedding. I feel like I need to find new friends here, but I'm not sure where to begin. In some ways it's more difficult at home than when I lived in a foreign country to forge new friendships and though I'm working on my shyness, I don't know how to approach this. I never felt very comfortable in the youth ministry circle because I cannot match their devotion. I am still questioning and searching for my spirituality. I know that Linda spends all her time with her boyfriend and that circle and they are the only ones I used to hang out with here.

 

Part of me feels like I need to let this friendship go, but with so much history, I don't know how to find closure. I want to talk to Linda about how I've been feeling, but I don't know how to do it or how receptive she will be to hearing it. Should I try or if not, how do I end this grieving process? Thanks for listening.

Signed,
Saddened

 

ANSWER

Dear Saddened:

 

Circumstances may change but personality endures. Linda has been self-centered since high school and ditches you whenever she has the opportunity to be with a guy. When her relationship implodes, she wants you to be around to listen and provide support. You have been loyal, supportive and willing to accept a fractured friendship in the hope that it will improve. How likely do you really think it is that she will change?

 

You mentioned that you are shy so it's not surprising that you prefer intimate friendships rather than socializing in groups---and I suspect that it takes some effort for you to make new friends but you know you can do it. While moving to Chile was positive in pointing you in a satisfying career direction and was also good for you socially (everyone likes to befriend a new visitor), the move may have compounded your loneliness when you got back home.

 

Much of Linda's life (and that of her friends) revolves around the youth ministry and religion/spirituality. If that doesn't feel like a good fit for you, there is no reason to try to squeeze a square peg into a round hole. Try to find people in other places who share your common interests, not hers. Perhaps you can find new friends in your workplace or else by joining various community or civic organizations.

 

It may take a while but I think you are better off spending your time looking for a healthy relationship than going back to one that isn't satisfying. It's great that you had a close friendship while it lasted and it sounds like you have already reached some closure. Whether or not you want to convey your thinking to Linda, and whether she will listen, is up to you but I don't think it's necessary. You can decide to say nothing and keep the relationship more distant because Linda is likely to be more tolerable in small doses. My suggestion: Move forward and you will soon find that you are no longer looking back.

 

My best,
Irene

 

This post is about artificial friends. (No, I don't mean the phony kind). Actually, I'm announcing my latest blog contest.

These electronic toys caught my eye because they seem like the season's perfect friendship gift for young women. When the prizes arrived, they were so cute that I was tempted to break into the tamperproof plastic to try one out myself. (I didn't.)

Huru HumisTM (which means ‘HU R U' and ‘HU M I" in text talk) are interactive, artificial high-school friends that talk back to you (or to each other) when you talk to them. The battery-operated dolls turn on and off at the flick of a switch. (If only we could do that with our real friends!)

The ability to be a good friend is something that every woman needs to acquire, and it is through play, that many young girls learn how to befriend. Each Huru Humi has a distinct appearance, style, personality, and voice. Warning: They aren't shy about expressing their opinions. But like all good friends they respect differences, are funny, and have mastered the art of good conversation.

As grown-ups just found out during this very prolonged and polarized election season, we don't necessarily agree with every woman we meet; we are more compatible with some than with others. But by being able to communicate with personalities that are both like and unlike their own, children can learn how to build solid friendships that can potentially enrich and expand their lives.

Huru Humis are intended for kids 10 and older (tweens). I have two prizes to award, Heidi and Sierra, for the best pictures of two childhood friends.

Contest rules:

• Enter your favorite picture of any two or more childhood friends (pictured together). It need not be recent---old pictures of childhood friends are welcome.

• With your entry, include the first name of each child shown in the picture and send your own name, snail mail address, and email address to me, so I can mail the prize to your home if you win.

• All pictures and accompanying information must be emailed to: IreneLevine@gmail.com. By submitting a picture you agree to allow me to use your photograph on blogs and/or in books about female friendships.

• All entries must be submitted by November 28th, 2008. The photos will be judged by a small committee of my best friends. Please enter the contest and email this contest announcement link to your friends. The two prize winners will be announced shortly after the photo deadline.

If you haven’t yet realized it, graduation from high school or college can be a friendship-killer. When you are no longer living side-by-side or seeing each other every day, it will never be quite as easy to keep up once-close female friendships or to make new ones.

With more than $55 million in domestic box office sales, Sex and the City made its mark as the highest-grossing chick flick in history on its opening weekend. Why did working women and working-at-home women leave their boyfriends, husbands, and kids behind, flocking in droves to see a movie that will likely be available on Netflix and pay-per-view in the blink of an eye? They wanted to see each other.

Sex is the ultimate excuse for a girl’s night out---something that women are desperately craving as our multi-tasking lifestyles leave less discretionary time for female friendships. The march of Stilettos to movie houses across the country was nothing short of a surge. Women clicked on Fandango and lined up for tickets because they were eager to redress their friendship deficit. Regardless of our age or stage in life, many women simply don’t have enough friends to meet their needs for understanding and being understood.

Sex, both movie and the series, hit the nail on the head when it comes to female friendships. We all covet the close friendships like the ones mirrored by Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte. Women went to see Sex but they were more excited about the before and after cocktails, dinners and parties they had planned with each other. They wanted to walk in the footsteps of the foursome.

Getting back to my commencement remarks---Graduation often means going home or moving away, leaving the familiar and making new starts. As a result, it is a time when many of us lose touch with women whom we see every day and call and text in-between---both besties and entire friendship circles that are meaningful parts of our lives.

Make yourself a promise to keep up with your school chums---especially the ones with whom you have been able to share both happiness and heartbreaks. As you age and life becomes more complex and demanding, you’ll realize that you have given yourself the most wonderful treasure. A few of the basics:

1) Always make friendship a priority (right up there after family). If you need a rationale to convince you, here it is: Research shows that social support and close friendships are linked to improved health and emotional well-being.

2) Get rid of toxic friendships that are consistently negative and emotionally draining. We all have one or two gal pals that are annoying to be with, people we feel ambivalent about and who probably feel ambivalent about us. Just let go of them.

3) Find any excuse to create rituals to stay in touch with the good friends. It shouldn’t be a one-time affair. Make a plan to get together every month or at least several times a year. It can be on milestone birthdays or periodic girlfriend getaway jaunts. Or even the opening of a long-awaited chick flick!

4) In-between, use every way possible to stay connected---via cell phones, Blackberries, and old-fashioned letters until the next time your see each other.

Female graduates: Congratulations---Go forth with your friends!

 

This post also appears on The Huffington Post. Sign up to become by fan at www.huffingtonpost.com/living and receive my posts directly in your in-box. 

During the high school and college years, many women (as well as men) develop close relationships with roommates or classmates that they expect will last a lifetime.

Students are thrown together in dorms, lounges and classrooms. Being in the same place at the same time, they find they have much in common---regardless of their diverse backgrounds. They forge new friendships on soccer teams, in drama clubs, and in campus newsrooms.

In his article Friends – Will I Really Be There for You?, Michael S. Borress, managing editor of the Binghamton University student newspaper, Pipe Dream, points out that Graduation Day often marks the unexpected death of many of these friendships.