gender

It doesn't surprise me that all the women I know are crazy about the new TNT series, Men of A Certain Age (Mondays 10PM/9c). The groundbreaking dramedy explores the bonds of late-middle-age male friendships as portrayed by three talented amigos: Ray Romano, Scott Bakula, Andre Braugher. What women love most about this show is that we finally get a glimpse of male friendships that resemble our own!

 

Joe (Romano) is the neurotic, recently separated, owner of a party story who is living in a hotel after having left his wife and two kids. Terry (Bakula) is a free wheeling spirit, an aging actor and yoga instructor, who has seemingly mastered the single life-for better and for worse. Owen (Braugher) is a stressed, overweight, and underpaid family man with diabetes who works in a car dealership owned by his despot father. Defying the stereotypes of male friendships, these men have figured out a way to maintain a tight threesome since their college days that continues to enrich each of their lives.

 

Conventional wisdom has it that male and female friendships are distinctly different; this truism is based on the convergence of decades of anthropological, psychological and sociological research. While there are some notable exceptions, overall, women are more likely than men to surround themselves with "best friends" with whom they can share their lives and feelings. Men, on the other hand, have fewer close friends; they are more likely to hang out with large groups of acquaintances or to become social isolates or appendages to women.

 

Women are happy just BEING together, having time to talk and share feelings. Men enjoy DOING things together-whether it's playing golf, watching a baseball game, or taking a hike. For this reason, female friendships have typically been described as face-to-face while their male counterparts have been characterized as side-to-side. Such distinctions based on gender are deeply ingrained and may even be genetic. A study of infants found that baby girls are far more likely to pay attention to facial expressions than are baby boys, suggesting that females may be more in tune with feelings and emotions from birth. As youngsters, boys tend to play in groups while women prefer best friend relationships.

 

Which brings us back to the show: The protagonists are three 40-something men who have maintained a remarkable friendship despite their lives veering off in different directions. Much of the dialogue takes place across the table in a local diner where they banter over coffee about the challenges they are facing in adjusting to change. They do it in a way that is both highly intelligent and highly relatable.

 

What is it about the bonds of these Men of A Certain Age that resonates with women?

1) While their personalities and life situations are different from one another, the men haven't lost sight that their friendship is based on their shared history (which counts for a lot), and the commonalities and core values they share as men and as human beings.

2) Even though there are signs of a technological revolution all around them, these men recognize the importance of "face time." They regularly get together for meals so they can talk and remain current with each other's lives. When Joe observes his teenage children texting, it's clear that cell phones and the Internet are still a bit of an anathema to him.

3) Just like women who freely talk about their bodies, internal secretions, and itchy parts, the "boys" are comfortable sharing uncomfortable intimacies with one another. In the last episode, Joe talked candidly about his insecurities in making love with another woman for the first time after being separated from his wife.

4) The men have come to realize that neither they, as individuals, nor their friendships are perfect. Each man has his peccadilloes. For example, Joe has a gambling habit that's caused him a lot of problems. While his buddies are aware of it and occasionally remind him that he needs to get it under control, they accept him as he is without judging him too harshly.

5) Even with the confines of a show that lasts but one hour each week (wish it were more), the men always have time to laugh. Despite economic pressures, periodic lapses in self-confidence, problems achieving balance between work and life, and coping with a stable of unstable relationships, they make time to kick back and enjoy themselves.

 

Whether you're male or female, of a certain age or not, you'll find yourself laughing with or cringing at their antics, recognizing once again the vital importance of friendship and wishing there were more characters like these guys.

Some of us are hoarders and some of us are tossers. Many of us do the same thing with our friends. Yesterday, I received a Twitter message that put the idea in bold relief. It explained the problem in less than 140-characters: Bad friends prevent you from having good friends--Gabonese proverb.

More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle pointed out that when it comes to “friendships of good” (or what we might call best friends today) there are limits to the number of relationships that can be juggled simultaneously. The precise number of manageable relationships varies from person to person: Some of us have greater social needs; some are better than others in making and keeping friends. Because of survival needs, some people have less discretionary time for socializing. And some are more adept than others in juggling work, family, friends, and alone time. Gender also comes into play: Compared to men, women tend to favor a smaller, more intimate circle of friends.

Robin Dunbar, a British sociologist, studied social groups of non-human primates to estimate the number of social connections that a human being could handle at one time. That concept has been dubbed “Dunbar’s number.” He concluded that 150 is the number of friends, both close and casual, that humans are functionally hardwired to handle at the same time (the number limited by the volume of the neocortex of the brain). Another study at Liverpool University in the 1990s also found that most people have an extended network of about 150 people they consider distant acquaintances and about five that they consider close friends.

Friendships are inherently dynamic, but if you’re a hoarder, it’s tough to let go---even if the friendship has turned toxic or one-sided. And since ending a friendship is likely to be a one-way street, it isn’t something to be done in haste or taken lightly.

Yet maintaining friendships that no longer work is like having a closet cluttered with clothes of all different sizes that no longer fit. If you organize and declutter, it’s a lot easier and more rewarding to get dressed each morning. Similarly if you’re spending your time and emotions on friendships that aren’t satisfying, you are keeping yourself from developing new ones that may be more fulfilling.

TWITTER VERSION: Audit your friendships because having too many bad ones can prevent you from having good ones

If you need one more shred of evidence of the gender differences in interpersonal relationships, you’ll find it in a short piece by Alex Mindlin buried in the Business Section of this morning’s New York Times. When it comes to customer loyalty, women aren’t necessarily more loyal than men; it’s just that their loyalties take a different form.

In a series of studies reported in the July 2009 Journal of Marketing, researchers from the Netherlands found that female consumer loyalties are more intimate and personal. For example, women are fiercely loyal to a particular hair stylist rather than to a salon, or to a particular doctor rather than to a clinic or hospital. If you are one of the women, like many, who feel like your hairdresser understands you (and your hair), this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

“Women tend to view themselves as being connected with and dependent on a few specific individual others. In contrast, men tend to view themselves as being connected with and dependent on larger groups of people and organizations,” write the marketing professors.

Their targeted advice for the ad world: “Because individual relationships are more important to women, they are more likely to develop loyal customer relationships with individual service providers. Conversely, men find group relationships important and are more likely to develop loyal customer relationships with firms and organizations.” Thus, advertising strategies focused on personal relationships are more likely to be effective with women.

If we extrapolate these results to our friendships, it reinforces what we already know. In general, female relationships tend to be characterized by greater intimacy (and a different kind of loyalty) than those of men.

In the course of my own research on female friendships, I serendipitously found the perfect mentor to teach me about male friendships and the differences between the two: Geoffrey Greif, DSW, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of the new book, Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships (Oxford University Press, 2008).

Dr. Greif studied 386 men and 122 women, whom he interviewed in depth about their definitions of friendship, how they made friends, how they maintained them, and whether they had ever lost friends. These questions and answers represent just a few of the lessons he learned and that he shares in greater detail in his excellent book:

Q: How do male and female friendships differ from one another?

Through listening to men and women and studying what they tell us about friendships, certain tenets about friendship can be cautiously put forth. We must be careful though about making sweeping generalizations about women’s friendships, just as we must be careful about making generalizations about men’s. Great diversity exists in the friendships of both genders---but:

• Women are more apt to say they have enough friends and that friends are important; they are less apt to say they didn’t have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family. Or, it could be as we have heard from some men: that they have a hard time connecting with other men in a way that is satisfying to them on a friendship level. They may feel they do not have enough must friends. (Grief uses four categories to describe friendships: must, trust, rust and just).

• Women are more apt to help each other than are men, by being supportive, encouraging, and “being there.” Men, on the other hand, are more apt to give their friends advice and offer their perspectives. Both mentioned the importance of listening and talking. Men tend to be fixers, and see getting something concrete accomplished as a way of helping, whereas women are more comfortable with emotional support, which sometimes involves listening without giving specific advice.

• When with friends, women spend more time shopping, going out to dine with them and going to the movies, as well as staying home with friends to cook or watch movies. Communication, as part of the relationship, is frequent for both women and men. Men, who gave fewer distinct responses to this question, are much more apt to be involved in sports-related activities, either as a participant or viewer.

• To make friends, women may reach out to others a bit more than men, and they are less concerned with finding commonalities as a basis for friendships. Men mention sports more often than women as a basis for making friends. To feel comfortable, men may be slightly more apt to need a socially acceptable arena for having a friendship begin, like a similar hobby or sports. This would be a shoulder-to-shoulder approach to friendships, as opposed to women perhaps feeling slightly more comfortable making friends without a specific activity or commonality being at the center of the friendship.

• To maintain a friendship, women put a much greater value on frequent contact than men. Men often mention being able to pick up again with a friend after little contact, whereas women place a greater value on staying in touch. Women appear to need more communication in general than men. Emotional connection is important to them, and it is often manifested by staying in frequent contact.

• Women are more apt to lose friends and more apt to try to get them back than are men. We have learned already that men are often less concerned about slights than women and so they may be slightly less apt to lose a friend because of someone’s behavior.

Q: How are male and female friendships similar?

• The words used to define friendships are similar. Being understood, trust, dependability, and loyalty are key features of friendships for both genders.

• The percentage of people who said they had a friend of the opposite sex is similar.

• The importance of friends, although slightly higher for women, is very high for both men and women.

• Women and men both make friends through their spouses and significant others.

• Women’s friendships can also be effectively grouped using the must, trust, just, and rust categories. These categories of friendships are discussed in depth in the book and help us understand our relationships with friends.

Q: What can men learn from female friendships?

Men can learn that physical and emotional expressiveness can exist in a friendship without it meaning that a man is gay. Women are much less concerned about this level of expressiveness than are men who often pull back from other men. Men are socialized to compete with and not pursue other men as friends. Unless it is sports, music, or war, emulating men, having a “crush” on them, and being physically close, is not universally acceptable.

Q: What can women learn from female friendships?

Men tend to have less complicated friendships than women. Some women, when directly asked, said they wished their relationships were more upfront and less emotionally demanding. They like the fact that men are able to resolve differences more quickly and move on.

“Cultural relevance is key,” cautions Dr. Greif. “Different sub-groups in America view friendships, women’s and men’s roles, and community connectiveness in vastly divergent ways. Anything that can be learned from men or women must be understood within such a context.”

In your own experience, which friendships do you think are stronger or more meaningful, male or female? Who takes the gold and who takes the silver?

 

 

If you’ve never heard the term before, Ann Mack, director of trend spotting for JWT (the largest advertising agency in the U.S.), uses the term “digitivity denizens” to describe those of us who straddle two worlds, the real world and the digital one.

 

According to a report by Reuters, the agency surveyed more than 1000 Americans to find out how technology was changing their lives and behavior. We’ve come a long way, baby. Only a fifth of the respondents said they felt comfortable remaining offline for a week...