friendships

According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, about 15-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, usually within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. For the woman who has miscarried, this can be a difficult time emotionally, both in coping with the loss and thinking about its impact on her marriage and her ability to conceive in the future. Even among the best of friends, it's hard for a friend to know what to say or how best to provide support to someone who is grieving the loss.

 

In 1981, Robbie Miller Kaplan gave birth to two children: a son Aaron, in January and a daughter Amy, in December. Both babies died in infancy from the same heart defect. It is her own experiences with loss as well as a passion to make a difference with others that motivated her to write a book on effective communication during difficult times.

 

Robbie is a writer, speaker, and founder of The Comforting Words website. She is the author of nine books, including  How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times, available in volumes on Miscarriage, Illness & Death, and e-books on Death of a Newborn and Stillborn Baby, and Death of a Child. I recently interviewed Robbie on the topic of miscarriage.

 

Irene:

What makes miscarriages so painful emotionally?

Robbie:

A miscarriage is a death in the family and just like any death, the bereaved must grieve for the loved one they've lost. Miscarriages are extremely painful because the mom and dad loved their baby and yet the parents will never have the chance to have this beloved child as a part of their lives. All their hopes and dreams will never come to fruition. If they have other children, those children will never take the place of the precious baby they've lost.

 

Irene:

How is this compounded when a woman has had more than one miscarriage?

Robbie:

Not only is the mom grieving for her loss, but the physical aspects of pregnancy have taken a toll on her health. Her body has gone through physical and hormonal changes and she has had to repeatedly recover. If she has no children, she might also fear that she will never have children. Once she recovers from the miscarriage, if she wants to try again, she has to get healthy and strong enough to sustain another pregnancy.

 

Irene:

What can a friend say or do to comfort someone who has recently miscarried?

Robbie:

It's important to acknowledge the loss. You should treat your friend just like you would treat any loved one who has had a family member die. Send a bouquet of flowers, write a heartfelt note, or bring a meal. One of the most caring things you can do is offer to visit and listen. Let your friend share their feelings and allow them to do the talking. One mom said the nicest thing her friend did was to repeat some of what she said back to her; that way, she knew her friend was really listening.

 

Irene:

How can you handle being pregnant when your best friend just miscarried?

Robbie:

This is a tough one. Loss is very isolating so it's important that you keep in touch; if you stay away, you'll isolate your friend even more. Have a conversation with your friend and be honest; share that you understand this is a difficult situation. Let your friend set the parameters; ask her to let you know what's comfortable for her and what's not. As much as your friend might love you, there are aspects of your pregnancy and your excitement that will bring her pain. It's important to be sensitive to her feelings.

 

Irene:

How can a good friend ease the anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage?

Robbie:

Communication is so important. Let your friend know you are available to listen and when she wants to share or vent, give her your undivided attention. Everyone needs an outlet, so be her outlet. What doesn't help is making unrealistic comments, such as, "This time it's going to be okay" or, "I'm sure this time it will work."

 

Irene:

If you are the one who has miscarried, what can you say to make it more comfortable for your friends?

Robbie:

When you're feeling so bad, it's a lot of pressure to try to pull yourself together to make things more comfortable for your friends. And yet most of us downplay how we really feel so we don't make our friends and loved ones feel uncomfortable. If you have just miscarried, you might say to your friends, "There are a few things that would make me feel better if you'd like to help." And then share those things, whether it's a cup of coffee and companionship, company to your next obstetrical appointment, or a home cooked meal. If you want your friends to support you, sometimes you need to take the initiative and let know just how they can help you.

I was recently interviewed by Nicole Elphick, a writer with Cleo, an Australian fashion and beauty magazine.

 

Her article Are You Too Unpicky With Your Friends?, in the August edition, raises the question of whether women aren't picky enough in choosing their friends. In the age of Facebook, this issue is really at the forefront because technology has thrown the definition of what is and what isn't "a friend" into question.

 

In the article, I comment that "Because our society tends to judge women on their ability to make and keep friends, many women collect pals just as they might collect perfume bottles or heirloom jewelry."

 

Take a look at the article (see link above) and think about your own friendships. Do they meet the bar you've set for yourself? Have you collected friends that drain you emotionally? Is it time to let go?

 

 

On a beautiful Sunday autumn afternoon more than a year ago, my husband and I attended a Harvest Festival at a local winery not too far from where we live. We didn't know anyone else there and wound up sitting next to a lovely couple, who seemed to be enjoying the day as much as we were.

 

Over a couple of glasses of wine, the woman and I connected and we subsequently began following each other's blogs. Hers is called Killin' time being lazy ---but my winery friend is far from lazy! Rather, she is quite contemplative and thoughtful.

 

Although I only have scant memories of the delicious wine we tasted that day, I still feel a connection with Lazygal even though I don't know her well. She's a librarian and an avid reader. I loved her latest post because it illustrates how old friends serve as mirrors, helping us see ourselves in new ways. I asked Lazygal whether she might share her musings with my blog readers. So here you go....

 

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This past weekend I spent all too short an amount of time with people I've known and come to love over the past 30 years: my prep school classmates. Back then, we were 105 disparate girls - some I liked, some not so much, some puzzled me, and some became close friends. In the intervening years we've become a real family. Like any family, we have our moments (come to think of it, back then we had our moments, too; the four-day battle over Spring Senior Dinner dessert comes to mind). But like any family, I know they're there for me.

 

One of them now works at the school. In an almost accidental fashion, at our 25th she started a conversation that was so intense, so powerful that many of us wished it could have gone on longer, and absolutely knew that we wanted to revisit at our 30th. This time it was no accident, but once again it was too short. The depth of sharing was incredible - each time, you could see that moment when the speaker decided that yes, in this group, with these people, it was ok to say these things. Some had such powerful stories it brought tears to our eyes, some talked about day-to-day frustrations with choices (or lack of choices); no matter what the tale, the sense that in that circle we were safe and with family helped us talk about things we may never have shared with anyone before. Friends, family, marriage, careers, and health... all those themes ran through each of our "updates".

 

At far too late an hour I retreated to my very small dorm room (seriously? did I ever live in such a tiny space?), my mind racing ahead five years to our 35th. What could I say to these women, these sisters, then? Not in one of those competitive ways - my path is one that none of the others have taken, although we've all, in one way or another, reached similar milestones. I wouldn't want to live their lives and they wouldn't want to live mine! But I think each of us laid out challenges for ourselves: a better, stronger, or new marriage/relationship... finding a way through those difficult parent/teenage child years... exploring what's next career-wise... coping with parental health (as one said "I'm the ham in the sandwich")... dealing with our own health issues.

 

In five years, I want to be able to report better health. To be doing work I'm proud of, in a place I feel valued. To finally get over my speech impediment and say "no" in ways that are heard. To spend more time doing things I truly enjoy with people I truly love, and forging deeper connections to those that are important to me.

 

Does that sound Stalinesque, having a five-year plan? I know it'll be no Sherman's march on Atlanta - it'll be a drunkard's stumble home. Stay tuned.

The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections (Hyperion Voice, 2010) offers straightforward strategies, or "pearls" of wisdom, for resolving relationship conflicts. One gem that particularly resonated with me was: "You can't change them. You can change yourself." Having wasted incalculable time in my own youth trying to change others, I couldn't agree more.

 

Co-authored by Lucy Danziger, the editor in chief of Self-Magazine, and Catherine Birndorf, M.D., a psychiatrist at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center, this new book joins the burgeoning genre of happiness literature. The authors cleverly employ a house as a metaphor for a woman's emotional life. As in any house, the rooms (chapters) of this one are interconnected, but, of course, I took an immediate detour into the chapter named the Living Room, which represents the area of women's friendships and social connections.

 

In the Living Room, we're introduced to a number of women whose friendships are "messy" for a variety of reasons. Whether it's the friend who is insatiably needy, self-involved, mistrusting, or jealous, the authors provide insight into the unconscious motivations that impede these women from achieving healthier friendships that can enhance their happiness quotient. The book helps the reader identify and understand the psychological defense mechanisms that often undermine and destroy friendships. By offering readers tools, they can take ownership of their messy rooms and make changes that improve their friendships and their lives.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

 

To find out more about The Nine Rooms of Happiness or its the authors, click here.

 

 

BOOK GIVEAWAY:

 

You have TWO chances to win a free copy of The Nine Rooms of Happiness, courtesy of Hyperion Voice.

1. Post a comment here telling why you would like to clean up your own messy "living room." Please include your email address so I can contact you if you are the winner.

2. Click on this link at Girlfriend Celebrations to catch their exclusive interview with Lucy Danziger and enter the contest there as well. While you're there check out their great ideas for Girls' Nights In and Girls' Nights Out.

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Tuesday, March 23, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends!

I've never met Sophia Dembling in person but consider her a friend of sorts. We met as members of one or another online writer communities that we both frequent because we have so many overlapping interests. She lives in Texas but her roots are pure New York. I love her sense of humor and her refreshing candor.

 

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women described what it was like to meet a close friend. "We just clicked," was the most common phrase they used. You can say that Sophia and I clicked, both literally and figuratively.

 

Then I made the mistake of posting a comment on World Hum after my "friend" had blogged about introverted travelers. Without thinking, I checked the box saying that I wanted to follow the thread. Over the coming months, I was bombarded with emails announcing more than 115 responses (and still counting) from her readers. In addition to being astounded by the number of followers she has, it made me realize how many people, including me, resonate to the concept of feeling as though we are introverts.

 

I asked Sophia to write this guest post on the topic of friendship among introverts. Feel free to post your own feelings about introversion at the end of this thread :-)

 

Sophia Speaks about friendship and introverts...

 

I finished reading Irene's wonderful book last night and it gave me lots to think about. Certainly I was comforted to read that not all friendships-indeed, few friendships-are meant to last a lifetime.

 

Losing friends can be particularly difficult for introverts because we don't surround ourselves with people. We prefer a few intimate friends to lots of less-intense friendships, and deep discussion with one person to a party full of festive chitchat. For us, losing one good friend can leave a larger hole in our lives than it might for an extrovert with 25 best friends.

 

Attrition in my friendships in recent years has forced me to think about what I most need and want in my friends. Among other things, and like all of us, I want my friends to understand me. But first, of course, that entails understanding myself. Writing and talking to people about introversion has helped me gain insight into my own behavior and what extroverts might want to know about their introverted friends.

 

It's all about energy: What appears to be the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts but draining for introverts. This is why I might come to your party but leave long before the conga line starts. And why a stretch of interaction then requires a few days of solitude to recover. If you understand this, you will have grasped a key quality of your introverted friends and their perhaps puzzling behavior (why didn't she come to the after-hours party?) will make more sense.

 

 

I don't need to come out of my shell: A huge misconception about introverts is that we're all shy. Nope, not the same thing. One can be introverted and shy, or introverted and not shy. (Same with extroversion.) I'm not shy. When I'm in the mood to socialize, I'm perfectly friendly and outgoing. When I'm reluctant to socialize, it's choice, not fear. So if I decline an invitation, please don't push or insist it will be good for me. I have my reasons and they're valid. (At the same time, I promise not to say "no thanks" too often.)

 

The more is not the merrier: Not for me, anyway. If we make plans, please, please don't invite other people to join us-at the very least, check with me first. Introverts usually prefer one-on-one to groups and I'm bummed when the nice cozy visit I anticipated turns into a convivial racket. I'm sure your friends are wonderful people, just don't spring them on me and please don't be offended if I decline invitations to group outings. (Although I do believe that friends attend friends' parties. It's the right thing to do and if you throw one, I will come.)

 

Anything but the telephone: I have one friend who likes to call "just to hear my voice." Very sweet of her but I wish she would invite me to lunch instead. (Yes, of course I invite her; I usually initiate our get-togethers.) Like many introverts, I loathe the telephone. For one thing, we tend to think and respond slowly, and dead air on the telephone doesn't work. I'm awkward on the phone, especially when just-to-chat calls drop on me from out of the blue. And I feel bad that the other person can always sense my yearning to break free. But really, it's not you, it's the phone. Don't take it personally. (I do talk on the phone, sometimes for hours, with far-flung friends. However, I like to either schedule those calls or initiate them so I don't feel ambushed. I often screen my calls and return them when I feel up to it.)

 

Yes, I like online communication: Don't give me grief: The Internet is a godsend for introverts. Not as a replacement for face-to-face, no no!, but to stay connected between visits and take care of business (making plans, for example) without obligatory and tedious phone chitchat. Want to make me happy? Set up a get-together via e-mail. (I don't text or IM much, but many introverts like those, too.) I'm also a fan of social networking-a Facebook extrovert. I'm not a loner in my parents' basement with lots of virtual friends and no "real" ones. My Facebook friends are mostly real-life friends, many of whom are far away. I love being able to kibitz with them anytime online. (Of course, as a writer, I also spend a lot of time in front of a computer.) If you're not a fan of Facebook, that's fine. Just don't hassle me about it, OK?

 

Sophia blogs at The Introvert's Corner on PsychologyToday.com as well as on the travel site Flyover America with her friend Jenna Schnuer and she reviews fitness DVDs on Suit Up and Show Up. If that's not enough of her, there's more on www.SophiaDembling.com/

 

If these women were on reality TV, they would surely be cast as The Real Housewives of Jericho. This feisty circle of friends includes six accomplished, attractive, 40-something mothers who initially met through their children.

They jokingly call themselves The Vuvs, elaborating on a word one of them conjured up as a little girl because she couldn’t say the word “vagina.” They’re so close that they even share secrets like that one.

They live in walking distance of one another in suburban Jericho, New York, five of them within the same 800-home community. All but one is Jewish but she has an interfaith marriage. Coincidentally or providentially, each of them has two children between the ages of 8 and 15. A few of them have aging parents who reside in the same condo development in Florida.

Most noteworthy: For the past 8 years, these women have shared a special bond, being each other’s greatest cheerleaders and supporters. They get together as twosomes, threesomes, and as a sextet. With their spouses and kids, the group of 24 has vacationed together in places as far-flung as Mexico and Costa Rica and they seem to never tire of their sisterhood.

“I speak to at least three of them a day,” says Leslie Adler, 43, the “mother bear” of The Vuv Club. The Brooklyn-born, mother of two straddles two worlds. She’s an attorney by day for a large accounting firm, and moonlights as a blogger on MomLogic, and More.com and on her own sassy blog, The Vuv Club, using her life, family, career and friendships for blog fodder. When you read her posts, you can’t help but wish you had a sisterhood like hers.

What holds the group of besties together? Either she doesn’t know or she isn’t telling. Adler compares the recipe to that of a “Big Mac.” In terms of their personalities, they are distinct individuals rather than clones of one another but there is something about the mix works; they complement each in different ways. Each woman has a distinct network of friends and acquaintances that extend beyond the circle, but the circle is the “home base” to which they always return.

Adler says the group really coalesced when her husband, Eric, was diagnosed with testicular cancer (he’s now recovered). “When Eric was sick, we were all sick,” says Adler. Her friends arranged for meals and helped them get to treatments. On the couples’ 15th anniversary, when Adler couldn’t even think about leaving the house, The Vuvs stepped in and arranged for a limo to take them to a surprise celebratory dinner at Il Mulino in Manhasset. “That really raised the bar in terms of our friendship,” she says.

The women share laughter and sorrows, they celebrate each other’s milestones and accomplishments, and they’ve helped each other cope with job losses and death. If a problem arises for one, they call an emergency dinner to brainstorm solutions together. “We talk each other down from ledges,” says Adler. “Being part of something feels great.”

Do you have a circle of friends, wish you had one, or do you prefer having discrete relationships with best friends?

 

A version of this post also appears on The Huffington Post.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I stumbled across your blog, and I think it's so helpful and needed in a society that seems to place greater value on romantic relationships than friendships.

I'm in my late 20's, and the older I get, the harder I've found it to keep deep, meaningful female friendships. We're growing in different directions, moving to different states, pairing off romantically, etc. I have three very close female friendships that I treasure but they aren't connected; they are friends from different sectors of my life. So I feel like I'm lacking a "friend group." I also feel as though I don't have enough deep friendships, in general.

It bothers me that most people my age seem to have a "group." I've been in friend groups before in my life, but I find that in friend groups, I can't connect as deeply to each friend. So I prefer one on one time. I know this sounds like a sort of hard question to answer, but what's the average number of close female friendships that women my age have? Or any thoughts you have on how friendships change as you get older.

Thanks very much,
Jane

ANSWER

Dear Jane:

What a great letter! You raised so many thought-provoking questions. A few ideas:

Some women have the good fortune of having groups of friends who have a shared history—based on where they were, where they lived, or what they did together.

There have been a spate of books lately---Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope, The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, and more recently, The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow---that make women feel like they’re missing out on something big if they don’t belong to a friendship circle. In fact, when I interviewed Mr. Zaslow, he said that he had two types of readers: those who had a circle similar to The Girls from Ames and those that wish they did!

When I read that literary trilogy on sisterhoods, I have to admit I was envious because, like you, I’m in the latter category. I have close friends but my friends aren't friends with each other. They come from different ages and stages of my life that don’t intersect.

While it isn’t impossible to forge a sisterhood later in life, it’s generally easier to do it as a teenager or young adult because you’re likely to have more time and to be thrown together in similar circumstances—whether it’s a team, sorority, or neighborhood. As we marry or divorce, move, or graduate and our lives diverge, it becomes tougher to sustain circles of friends.

Keep in mind: Even in a circle of friends, there are usually twosomes (dyads or pairs) who seem to have more in common, either temperamentally or situationally. Thus, each woman doesn’t have precisely the same relationship with each member in the circle. Zaslow figured out that there was a possibility of 99 different pairs in the 11 Girls from Ames.

 

People generally have far more acquaintances than they do close friends so it isn’t surprising that deep and meaningful friendships are the most coveted and difficult to achieve. Just like a romance, most women say that at their start, there is a certain essential chemistry that provides the foundation for best friendships. Then, as two women feel increasingly comfortable together, they are able to become more intimate and reveal their true selves to one another.

While there is wide variability, based on the data from my friendship survey, most women have between two and five very close or best friends (there's a section in my forthcoming book that looks at the numbers). What’s more important than quantity, however, is quality and whether or not you feel like you have enough of the right type of friends for you. If you feel like something’s missing, perhaps it is.

I will be returning to this topic again in another blog post but would love to hear from others about the topic of friendship circles and sisterhoods (when you’re on the inside) and cliques (when you are on the outside).

Best,
Irene

One political poll reported that a large majority of voters said they would be frightened if the presidential candidate—other than the one they supported—won the election. It reminded me of how we live in our own little worlds.

 

The differences between the parties’ candidates were great and I have to admit: Most of my friends have similar political leanings to my own. It isn’t that we agree on every issue but, in general, we have shared values--which I consider an important component of close friendships.

 

To tell you the truth, my world is actually so small that I even have a hard time relating to people who don’t like some of my favorite movies or television shows. How can we be friends if we don’t even laugh at the same jokes? Well the election is over and, hopefully, most of my friendships will remain intact.

 

Depending on how opinionated and strident a person is—whether the topic is politics or popular culture—it’s natural to feel alienated from people who aren’t like us. But just as politics has the power to make strange bedfellows, if we focus on what we have in common rather than what sets us apart, it’s a great way to build and strengthen our friendships.

 

Childhood friends, school chums, colleagues, neighbors, teammates and virtual friends---women accumulate hundreds, if not thousands, of friends based on where they’ve been and what they’ve done over the years. Friends are the living scrapbooks of our lives.

But every relationship doesn’t stick. In fact, very few of them do. It’s easy for friendships, even very close ones, to slip away--sometimes for no real reason at all. It just happens. A study of the friendship patterns of 10,000 people in the UK found that the average Brit collects 396 friends over a lifetime but winds up staying in touch with only one out of 12 of them.

This week a friend with whom I was once very close was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I hadn’t spoken to her in almost a decade and now I fear there might be time for only a brief reconnection, even though she is special to me and our friendship was an important chapter in my life story. Yes, we live in different states and no longer work in the same office. But why hadn’t I kept up the relationship? Was I really that busy? Maybe there wasn’t time to see her, but the ease of staying in touch via cell phones and e-mail make the excuse of being busy sound lame.

I know I’m not the only woman who is dancing as fast as she can. I once tried to introduce a close friend who moved to Washington DC to another close friend who already lived there. I thought they would enjoy each other as much as I enjoyed each of them. “I don’t even have enough time for my own friends so why would you ever think I would have time for yours,” said the DC native. And I understood.

Recognizing that life is finite (is that a new insight?), many of us have started composing “life lists” to set priorities. People are thinking about where they would like to go and what they would like to do before kicking the bucket. It’s not surprising that the book 1000 Places to See Before You Die became an instant best-seller. The same list-making mania has morphed into websites like www.43things.com. The film The Bucket List, which opened earlier this year, chronicles the story of two men, each with one year to live, who escape from the hospital where they meet to hit the open road and live life as they please.

Life is short. My suggestion: Make a list of the friends you truly want to keep in your life. To make the goal achievable, you don’t have to list 100 names and you don’t have to actually see those friends (unless you want to). You can just make ten phone calls or send ten e-mails, whenever it’s convenient, to tell your female friends how much they mean to you, before they disappear from your life.

 

This blog post also appears on www.HuffingtonPost.com/Living

"She'll have no shortage of people wanting to be there for her," says one of Silda's friends quoted in the Washington Post. But will her friends know how to be there for her?
When something lousy happens to a friend, it often leaves us at a loss for words.

That's why I'm writing this open letter to all of Friends of Silda Spitzer (FOSSs) and to other women who may find themselves with friends in painful circumstances. Whether you're her friend or not, the heart of every woman reaches out to Silda and her teenage daughters when we saw that look on her face.

But it's not an exaggeration to say that if you live long enough, most of us know someone who has suddenly been thrust into a personal hell that is a deeper one than she can climb out of by herself. It may have happened to you or one of your close friends.

The first lady of New York has been described as brilliant, accomplished and wealthy. But like ordinary women, right now she has to be awash in a morass of painful emotions. Her needs are not too different than the immigrant single-mother who suddenly loses her below-minimum wage job; the woman whose husband has been accused of incompetence by his employer; the mother whose child has been expelled from school for using drugs; or the middle-age woman who has just lost a parent or received a life-threatening diagnosis.

At times like this, women hope they will be surrounded by female friends with whom they can talk openly, express anger, or even just cry. Silda can't unload the depth of her hurt to her teenage daughters, and she can't possibly restrain the anger and disappointment she must feel towards her husband who showed a terrible lapse in judgment. Isn't that what friends are for?

Yet, situations like this often place friends in an uncomfortable situation, not knowing exactly what to say or do. Here are a few tips for how to be there for your female friend in trying times:

Be there

Circle around her but don't impose yourself. Find a subtle, non-obtrusive way to let her know you are there if and when she wants to talk. If you know she is a CrackBerry addict, send her an email or text her. If you generally are phone friends, you may want to reach out and touch her by telephone.

Be sensitive to the cues about whether she is ready to talk or is simply too overwhelmed. Remember that a warm note---an old-fashioned snail mail one written in your own handwriting that says "I'm thinking of you"---always feels heartfelt.

Don't make the embarrassment seem larger than life. "I'm always amazed how many people just simply don't treat the person the same as they did two weeks ago," says Peter Shankman, CEO of the Geek Factory, whose firm often gets called in to assist with crisis management. "I'm sure Silda would kill for a friend to call and say ‘Hey, let's grab brunch.'"

Listen, don't tell

Don't ask too many questions or pry. Instead express your feelings: presumably that that you feel for her, care for her and her family, and want to be there anyway you can. There are times when a hug means more than words.

Ask her if she wants you to be with her or if you can do anything concrete to help her out (I assume Silda has a kitchen staff but other people may appreciate a home-cooked casserole left at the door.)

Don't ask her why she was standing there. In fact, don't try to second guess the reasons for any friend's decisions while she is in a reactive crisis mode. (Think about it: You never really know what you would choose to do if you were in standing in her stilettos.) Interpersonal relationships are complex and hard to understand from the outside. It takes time for a woman to work through her feelings and allegiances during and after a crisis.

Give her the gift of time

If she declines contact, give her some space and try again a few days later. Shock and/or depression make it difficult to accept help.

This also isn't the time to rile against whomever you perceive to be the perpetrator of your friend's pain. As hypocritical or reprehensible as you may feel the other person to be, your friend needs to reach that conclusion by herself.

Honesty trumps eloquence

Even if you are struggling with what to say and how to say it, never pretend not to know what happened. Of course, in Silda's case, you would have had to be living in a cave. But whatever the situation, it's always better to do something rather than nothing.

Based on online survey of more than 1300 women, Irene is writing a book about female friendships called The Myth of Best Friends Forever (Overlook Press, January 2009).