friendship expert

The dirty little secret no one talks about...

 

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don't last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there's a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

 

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure---relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets---our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings---resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

 

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it's not surprising that friendships fray. Anne's story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

 

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

 

1) Communicate

There's a wall of silence between you. She isn't answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven't seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there's any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what's wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

 

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong-or who didn't do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn't going to work.

 

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

 

4) Take a break

You've approached your friend to sort out the problem and you've been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

 

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

 

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren't clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they're likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about---except on The Friendship Blog.com.

 

This post, by me, is the third in a weeklong series of posts by the bloggers involved in The Friendship Circle as part of The Month of Friendship. The blogs include: Girlfriendology, GirlfriendCelebrations, GirlfriendCircles, MWFSeekingBFF, and TheFriendshipBlog.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you ever feel---as the years pass---that you seem to be hemorrhaging friends? Maybe the language is a bit overly-dramatic but most women of a certain age begin to notice that many once-friends, even very close ones, begin to slowly slip out of their lives---sometimes for no apparent reason.

I was pleased to be interviewed by Sally Koslow, who wrote an excellent article on this very topic that appears in the September 2010 issue of More Magazine. 

 

Friends Interrupted highlights some of the reasons why middle-age friendships are so vulnerable to change. It also offers some creative approaches for stemming the flow. Koslow is the author of three novels; the latest is With Friends Like These. 

Sally writes:

I'm a born-again shy person, not the type to buzz through life in a swarm of friends or even a tight group of beloved Ya-Yas. And yet I thought I'd mastered friendship. At my 30th and 40th birthday parties, a satisfying number of warm, wonderful women shared my cake. This seemed providential, given that research tells us friendship may be as essential to good health as not weighing 400 pounds. The Harvard Nurses' Health Study is one of many bodies of research showing that the more buddies we have, the less likely we are to become ill as we age. So I feel all the more freaked out that lately I've noticed friendships becoming harder to start and harder to sustain.

You'd think that as fully vested adults, we'd have this thing down. But no. I keep hearing women lament that relationships they once considered indestructible have become casualties of various life assaults: divorce, widowhood, relocation, the empty nest, workplace bitch-slaps, health problems, glaring schadenfreude or, the most common reason of all, a simple drifting apart. Irene S. Levine, professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, claims that "the large majority of friendships are not forever." Say it ain't so, Irene! But the available evidence supports her conclusion...

 

Click here to read the article in its entirety.

 

You may wish to read this prior post on The Friendship Blog that offers some additional tips for resolving a friendship deficit.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Our best friend has been seeing this guy. She's really into him so she wanted us to spend some time together to get to know him. Unfortunately, both of us really dislike him. We find him arrogant and narcissistic, to the point of his putting us down to make himself look better.

 

Our friend has had boyfriends in the past, all of whom we've at least gotten along with, if not genuinely liked. This new guy is, in fact, the first one we hate. He offended us numerous times, both in front of and behind our friend's back. When he's not being pompous and condescending, he's just outright boring. The night we met, he interrupted our conversation many times to tell us unrelated, dull stories, which were boastful and pretentious.

 

The next day, we each separately approached our friend with our concerns and had a couple of civil conversations with her. However, she refuses to see our point of view and chooses to take his side, insinuating that we're jealous because we are single.

 

We don't know how to proceed without causing a rift in our friendship because she's spending increasingly more time with him. We can't bring ourselves to put up with him anymore so she's going to have to divide her time between him and us---no matter how much we love her. We've never been in such a position before and desperately need advice.

Thank you!

Abby and Alana

 

ANSWER

Dear Abby and Alana,

As you well understand, when people first fall in love, they can be blind to each other's foibles. You can warn someone that she is hitching her wagon to a loser until you are blue in the face, but she won't be able to hear you until she gains some insight on her own.

 

You've already hit on the right solution for your dilemma: Limit "everyone together time" and try to encourage your friend to regularly spend time with her gal pals. That way, you'll be able to cushion her fall when she needs you. If she asks, be honest about your feelings about her boyfriend but don't harangue her about her relationship.

 

Keep in mind: From time to time friends show bad judgment or make choices that seem self-destructive. Sometimes, our conclusions about them are premature and things don't actually turn out as badly as we thought they would.

 

It's always a challenge to communicate a balance of honesty, concern, and support to someone who appears to be a bad situation. I admire you for taking on this challenge and being such good friends.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch on similar issues:

• Feeling used by a friend
• Inseparable friends until...
• Friends don't judge...or do they?
• Watching a good friend make bad decisions

 

 

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend and I are very close and she's recently been under a lot of stress. A family member is dying and she is caring for this person. For about two months, she's been unable to listen to anything I say. If I don't agree with her completely, she angrily says I am not listening. No matter what I say, she says I‘m wrong.

 

I've been trying to be the best supportive friend I can be while her relative is dying. I, too, have cared for a dying relative; I know what it's like. However, even my most caring letters are returned correcting whatever I've said.

 

It's not that she's normally an oasis of serenity - she isn't. I usually am the person she can tell anything to, so I have heard all her complaints. Normally, this is okay as it is tempered with humor and two-way conversation. Now, even when I listen actively, reflecting back what she's saying, she angrily corrects me. I realize her behavior is not about me and she's under stress. However, I'm unwilling to be treated this way.

 

Because my friend's in another country and our communications are by email, I want to write a supportive note that sets a boundary. No matter what I say, she'll probably react with anger, but at least I can write something that is respectful of myself and of her.

 

She seems to have lost faith in me and does not presume any goodwill on my part. If that were true, why would she want me in her life? How can I communicate with her in a way so I'm not kicking her when she's down?

Signed,
Wendy

 

ANSWER

Dear Wendy,

No two people experience death in the same way, and even though you've cared for a dying relative, you can't completely understand---especially from afar---how your friend is feeling and what's she's dealing with. Cut your friend some slack; now isn't the time to set boundaries.

 

Your friend seems quick to anger and sensitive to any perceived criticism. You know her peccadilloes and seem to have accepted them. Yet, as you've witnessed, a person's worst tendencies can be exaggerated under stress.

 

Continue to offer your friend support by way of brief, regular emails but refrain from offering any unsolicited advice at this time or telling her that you know what she's going through. This is likely to be a temporary blip in your relationship that will resolve itself. If it doesn't, you can work it out later when she's back on her feet.

Best,
Irene

 

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

A Final Friendship Disappointment 

 

If you've wondered about this question, read Female Bullying, an article by Rachel Giese in the September 2010 issue of Flare Magazine. The piece covers the perennial, but disturbing, topic of adult women who have honed the art of what therapists have termed relational aggression. These mean girls may not fight with their fists but they can inflict terrible emotional pain on their targets.

 

Some of us have experienced firsthand the devastating hurt of being excluded from the lunch table at middle school. Others admit with some embarrassment that they've been at the other end of the stick---as one of the "cool kids" in middle or high school who has excluded some other poor soul because she looks, acts, or speaks differently. The scars of being bullied as a kid can be long-lasting and slow to heal.

 

Unfortunately, some mean girls never grow up, continuing similar behaviors as adults. So the insidious practice of woman-on-woman bullying---often used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues---is common in the workplace. Similarly, stay-at-home moms are still victimized by frenemies and neighbors. They and their kids become the subject of gossip, and are systematically excluded from play dates, playgroups and birthday parties. This is a particularly pernicious form of bullying because it attacks not only a grown woman but also her child.

 

Rachel's article (for which she interviewed me and others) tries to explain the dynamics behind female bullying. You can read a long excerpt online. If you're interested in reading more about this topic, you may be interested in these previous posts on The Friendship Blog:

 

Middle School Frenemies: Why are girls so mean?

Reader Q & A: Mean girls

Reader Q & A: Escaping from a toxic triangle

Reader Q & A: Contending with the Food Police

 

Have you had any experiences with adult bullies? How did you handle them? 

 

Here are some simple tips to nip a new friendship in the bud or to sabotage an existing one:

 

1) Do it her way

Abrogate all responsibility for the friendship to your friend. Let her do all the planning---including where, when and what. When you do get together, don't initiate any conversation, or show interest or enthusiasm. Respond minimally, using as few words as possible, and only in response to direct questions.

2) Be humorless

Treat everything seriously. Contain any outward appearances of laughter or smiles when your friend says something funny.

3) Act entirely predictably

Never try anything new. Demand that you always do exactly the same things, in exactly the same ways, in exactly the same places. Never mix it up or expand your twosome. Why? You always did it that way.

4) Play the same tapes over and over

Repeat stories you've told before in exquisite detail. Avoid eye contact to be sure you aren't reminded that you did or interrupted. If yawning sets in, ignore it. If she tries to speak or ask a question, interrupt her.

5) Stay focused---on you

Talk only about yourself, what you have, and what you've done. Ask no questions and show no interest in your friend or in the larger world around you. Avoid real interaction by telling long-winded stories.

6) Skim the surface

Be sure all conversation remains impersonal and unimportant. Don't express feelings or discuss anything remotely meaningful. Focus only on the past; never the present.

7) Overstay your welcome

Ignore any signs of boredom. If you're at her house, stay as late as you can. If you're in a public place, stay until the owner or manager looks at you funny or seems headed to the door with a big ring of keys.

Any other ways you can positively ID a boring friend?

 

 

If you're frustrated because your friend is the one who is boring, take a look at two related posts on The Friendship Blog:

5 Tips for Handling a Friend Who Talks Incessantly

A Friendship Stuck in Dullsville

 

I recently answered this question on HerCampus. This problem is a common one, unfortunately.

 

QUESTION

I can never get a word in edgewise with my friend. I like her but she is super narcissistic. What are the best ways to deal with a friend who wants to always talk about herself?

 

ANSWER

If you can't find a subtle way to change the topic when she's speaking, directly ask her to slow down or stop for a minute. You'll probably startle her because she's so used to talking uninterrupted. Tell her how frustrated you feel about not being able to say something. Whatever you do, don't call her narcissistic; that will only make her defensive.

 

Instead, focus on talking about your own feelings and see if she responds appropriately. If your get-togethers continue to make you feel like you're having conversations with a re-run of a bad TV show, you either have to accept her as she is---or downgrade your relationship. She may be more tolerable in small doses. With the time you recoup, you can nurture other friendships with people with whom you can have more meaningful and balanced conversations.

 

___________________________________

 

If you have this type of problem, take a look at some earlier posts on The Friendship Blog that focus on similar topics:

 

It's hard to say goodbye to a BFF, even if she's a narcissist

Self-centered friends with hefty needs

Five tips for handling a friend who talks incessantly

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

My dearest best friend of 35 years died in March. She had Alzheimer's disease, so it had been several years since I was able to have a conversation with her, but I could still visit and see her. Her death has devastated me.

 

Before she became ill, we spoke almost every day, and often met for a cup of coffee, lunch, shopping, visiting a museum, or seeing a show, etc. She wrote a book that is carried by many museums, and we used to get a kick out of seeing it in their bookshops. We lived only 15 minutes apart. Our husbands even liked each other.

 

We shared so many things: a love of art, literature, humor, clothes, gossip, and much more. In all those years, we never had a fight---maybe a slight disagreement, but never a fight. I now feel bereft and totally alone, even though I am happily married and have other friends. Of those I have, no one can come near to replacing her. My husband understands my loss, but can't fill that empty space.

 

I have kind of resigned myself to knowing that I will never have a friendship again with that kind of width and depth. It's not a matter of not having other friends. I just have little desire to be with them. When my best friend was alive, I didn't mind spending some time with other friends also, but now, I have little desire to. When I do, it feels like I'm just "making do", and I feel terrible for even thinking that. How does one readjust from this kind of loss? Or, maybe you just don't.

Sincerely,
Lindsay

 

ANSWER

Dear Lindsay.

It sounds like you found and lost a kindred spirit in your friend. Given all the experiences and emotions you shared, there must be constant reminders of the friendship---tinged with even greater sadness because you watched your friend slowly deteriorate.

 

Perhaps, you need to allow yourself a fallow period before you can reach out to other friends. When you do feel like being with other women (which you will), resist the temptation to compare other friendships to this one.

 

Remember that each friendship is unique and this one-of-a-kind friendship has helped you become the person---and the friend---you are today. You are fortunate that you have savored what few others have in a lifetime. More pleasant memories will surface when the sadness recedes with time.

 

One other thought to consider: If your sadness isn't confined to your friendships and you've lost interest in things that were once pleasurable, you may be feeling depressed. Sometimes depression manifests itself as a sense of hopelessness; difficulties concentrating; or changes in sleep patterns, appetite, or energy levels. (Click here to see more about the signs and symptoms of depression). If this is the case, talking to a mental health professional might help you get over the hump.

 

Recovering from the death or a loved one is never easy. In this case, the difficulty may be compounded because few others can understand the closeness of your friendship and the pain of your loss.

My thoughts are with you.

Warmest regards,
Irene

Chelsea Clinton has 3320 friends. Yes, I checked. If you go to Chelsea's Facebook Page and try to friend her, as I did today, you'll get a message that she already has too many friend requests---so the virtual spigot of undocumented friends has been turned off. Given her popularity and celebrity, I suspect that most of those who have already friended her are simply gawkers. But doesn't it strike you as odd that there's been more buzz about the gown, the gluten-free cake, the port-a-potties, and the celebrity guests than about the true friends who will be at the Wedding on the Hudson this Saturday night?

 

Given my fascination with the topic of friendship, I've been wondering about the friends Chelsea and Marc have invited to their party and the process for making those decisions. There was early speculation that Oprah and Barbra (neither of whom need second names on their invitations) were invited. President Obama told the ladies of The View, "I'm not going. You don't want two Presidents at a wedding," suggesting that he didn't want to deflect any attention away from the bride and groom.

 

I have to admire President Clinton and Secretary of State Clinton who are reported to have said that this once-in-a-lifetime day belongs to the bride and groom---and not to them. So I've been thinking about the real Friends of the Bride (FOBs)---not the friends of Hill and Bill or of the in-laws; real friends, not Facebook ones.

 

Just as it is for any other bride, whittling down the guest list is one of the toughest tasks in planning a wedding. Chelsea never asked my advice but had she, I would have suggested that she think about the following when deciding which friends should make the cut:

 

1) Stick with your nearest and dearest

On your wedding day, you want to be surrounded by people who love and care about you, people who will be embracing your joy and happiness. Who are the friends who have been most important in your life? To whom do you feel closest? Who has helped define the woman you have become? Who do you expect will still be at your side twenty years from now? Who could you call at 3AM if you needed to?

 

2) Develop your own "no-fly list"

Delete the names of any friend who would be likely to embarrass you, dress inappropriately, drink too much, do drugs in the ladies room, or in any way detract from your party.

 

3) Steer clear of frenemies

Sometimes we realize that a relationship is filled with ambivalence. Your friend may be wonderful to talk to but she consistently says things to undermine you or make you uncomfortable. Is there someone who might be smiling while you're saying, "I do," while simultaneously sending out tweets under the table focusing on HER experience. If you're feeling very tentative or unsure about inviting someone, your heart is telling you that there's something wrong.

 

4) Think about the future

You have probably picked up many friends and acquaintances along the way to this day. They may be people with whom you've worked or campaigned for your mom; neighbors or friends of friends with whom you've shared time; or peers or professors from your academic studies. Obviously, some of these individuals are true friends; others may simply be situational friends---who will play no ongoing role in your life. Eliminate anyone on your list who seems to hold no place in your future and only a peripheral and passing role in your past.

 

5) Remember that this day belongs to you and your husband-to-be

Don't get suckered into inviting people because you feel guilty or because you're returning a favor. You can do that over lunch. This is your day to be true to yourself and to your fiancé. Mazel tov to you and to every other bride struggling with her list!

Question:

How do you back away from an unhealthy friendship without hurting someone's feelings?

 

Answer:

Here are a few tips to help you handle a tricky, and often uncomfortable, situation in a way that minimizes hurt:

 

• Make sure you really want to back away. Nobody's perfect and friends, even very good ones, can say or do something wrong once in a while. If there has been a minor misunderstanding or disappointment, talk about it.

• Never make the decision to end a friendship in anger. Give yourself a cooling off period to reconsider and also to figure out the best way to do it.

• Consider whether you really need to end the friendship? Can you downgrade the relationship so you see each other less often or dilute it by seeing each other within the context of a group? Can you simply take a break (time off) to give each other a breather?

• If the relationship isn't very close to start with, you can merely drift apart. Make yourself less accessible. Tell a white lie and tell your friend how busy you are---e.g. studying, working, helping your parents, or seeing your significant other.

• If you decide to go ahead with the breakup, develop a script and practice it---you might even want to put your thoughts in writing so you are clear to yourself and in your delivery.

• Try to avoid blaming the other person. People change and their friendships change over time. Take responsibility for making the decision and handle the breakup with grace. After all, why would you want to hurt someone who once was your friend?

(By The Friendship Doctor; previously posted on HerCampus.com)