friendship doctor

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene:

I am in my mid-thirties and have always made and had easy friendships. People really like me and I like them and being liked. All would be well except that I harbor a very strong and miserable envious streak. I cannot bear to see my friends be happy in their romantic relationships. This is the case no matter what my own romantic situation is at the time. It is no less painful for me to see them in love when I'm in a happy and loving relationship than it is when I am completely alone.

 

The very fact that they have "someone" eats me up inside. I find reasons to fight with my friends or be overly critical. I give them advice designed specifically to screw up their relationships. But, because I have such a strong history of being a "good" friend, no one would ever suspect my real motives.

 

I hate this about myself. I am a spiritual, introspective person. But when this envy problem flares up, I feel like a very mean child. Any insight or suggestions would be very welcome. Please know I am sincerely troubled by this condition. I love my friends and hate being this miserable person who wishes the worst for them.

Signed,
Donna

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Donna:

It's natural for even a very good friend to feel envious once in a while when a friend has something she doesn't. For example, a woman might wish she had one friend's good figure or another's quick sense of humor. But these are usually passing feelings that recede in the background because there is an overall sense of balance in the relationship. A friend may have some qualities or characteristics you admire and wish you had, and vice versa.

 

Because, the envy you describe seems to rear its head repeatedly and isn't specific to any one friend or situation, you need to consider the possibility that it stems from your own feelings of possessiveness and insecurity. Why else would you be wishing ill will for people you consider friends?

 

I must say that your problem is somewhat unusual because  it's obvious from your note that you are very uncomfortable, and even feel self-loathing, about feeling the way you do. Someone can't feel good about wishing the worst for her friends. Also, you have to feel ashamed, especially, about acting on your feelings by fighting, being critical, and purposely giving friends bad advice.

 

What doesn't make sense to me is how your friends can overlook this rather fatal flaw in your ability to be a good friend. I believe that it is more transparent than you realize and that it lessens the intimacy of your relationships. Close friendships are built on trust, honesty and respect.

 

If you want to salvage your existing friendships or develop new ones that are mutually satisfying, you need to change your behavior. The fact that you have some insight and are able to admit your peccadilloes to yourself and to me suggests there is hope for you to do so.

 

You might benefit from speaking to someone you trust----perhaps a counselor or mental health professional----to explore what's going on and find out what's making someone who isn't ordinarily a bad person act in ways that are destructive to her and to others.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

For the past six to eight months I've had two friendships deteriorate. Jillian had been my friend for about 15 years. We never partied or saw much of each other due to distance and her ten-year relationship with a guy yet we always kept in touch. When her relationship was over, we began to spend lots of time together.

 

Our relationship went into a tailspin when she questioned my character. She asked me to give her ex-boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen in 15 years) a ride home because she was leaving with her new love interest. After the ride, he invited me in for a drink. Of course, I declined and later called both him (he gave me his number to make sure I got home safely) and her. That was where all the confusion began.

 

The next day Jillian called asking if I'd "done" anything crazy with him. I was offended since I only provided the ride to do her a favor. Over the next few months, she began dating this guy again. I know this guy was interested in me, but that was a line I would not cross. The relationship with her has suffered since. She would make us all hang out together. The guy is very cool and we have a very good rapport; I have plenty of male friends and am comfortable with males on a friendship level. She is aware of the many strictly platonic male relationships that I've had all my life. However, she is always trying to compete with me about every single thing or tarnish my character. I've tried to hang on to the friendship for more than 6 months and it's been hard.

 

I've also recently broken up with Lexi. We had been friends for 20 years (we are in our 30's) and she is/was like a sister to me. I invited both Jillian and Lexi out to celebrate my promotion and Jillian came with the guy. Lexi had been secluded after a recent break-up with a guy so to come out and interact with my friends was a big deal for her. Eventually, Lexi ended up chatting with a guy I've been seeing on and off for the past 6 months. Although I was a bit leery of him and his intentions when Lexi told me he was nice and was interested, I blew up. I could not believe, that Lexi, my sister, my longest friend would hit on a guy I was sort of dating for 6 months. She had never met him before, but had heard stories about him.

 

My trust with both friends has been broken. Is there a way to mend both relationships? Do you think that Lexi's actions are from her recent break-up or just who she has always been? I've talked to several of my friends about Jillian. Most think Jillian has always been a bit competitive and a user. I never saw this side before and am now afraid of all my relationships. Help.

Thanks,
Risa

ANSWER

Dear Risa

The issue of trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. So I can understand how you must be reeling after two long-standing relationships unraveled over the same issue.

 

In the case of Jillian, if you knew that her guy was interested in you, she probably knew too. Instead of her confronting him about his trustworthiness, it sounds like you were an easier target. If it were this incident alone, you could talk to Jillian and, perhaps, get over it but it sounds like she is constantly competing with you. That makes me think that perhaps the women you both were 15 years ago have grown in different directions and that your relationship is really based primarily on shared history. While this is nothing to give up lightly, is Jillian the kind of friend you want in your life now or is she a frenemy, who tries to put you down whenever she has the opportunity?

 

In the case of Lexi, it sounds like she picked up on your ambivalence about the guy you were "sort-of-dating" and moved in to make the catch---perhaps innocently, but not very sensitively. I'm not sure from your letter if Lexi is still seeing this guy but I think you need to express your hurt feelings to her.

 

Your dilemma really has to do with your feelings about friendship and its boundaries and the men just happen to be red herrings that make things more confusing. Maintaining trust is the thread that runs thought both these painful situations. It can only help for you to speak with Lexi, and perhaps with Jillian too (if you feel so inclined) about mutual expectations of a trusting friendship, which often vary from person to person.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A little more than a year ago I began a friendship with a female co-worker. We are both married and it never went beyond the friendship stage nor did either or us want it to. It started off simple enough, she knew I was into photography and she suspected a problem with her camera and asked me to take it for a while and see if I could find anything wrong.

 

The friendship grew to the point where we were taking most of our breaks together and we spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. We started at the job within a few months of each other and were both the "new kids" in the group and I think we tended to bond over that. She had numerous issues with management and came to me in tears two times because she felt she was being mistreated.

 

We already had a friendly relationship by that time and had exchanged hugs on occasion; I held her and let her cry on my shoulder. The friendship also grew outside of work and we had several get-togethers with our significant others: day trips to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, hiking in some local parks, and dinners at local restaurants as well at each of our houses. We always sat together during meetings at work and I think it was obvious to the rest of the staff that we enjoyed each other's company.

 

I went away for a two-week vacation at the end of October and she expressed concern several times as to how she would survive while I was gone. She wished I wasn't going and that she could go with me. I know people just say those things but she seemed more concerned than normal. She gave me a big hug the day I left and an even bigger one on the day I returned saying she was glad I was back.

 

Around the end of November, she did a complete 180 on me. I expressed concern that our friendship was falling apart. She said that I worried too much and we would always be friends. A few days later that changed into her not liking her job, not being able to separate me from it, and that she wanted me to just leave her alone.

 

I knew that she was having issues with the boss and she felt like he was always watching her. A few days later, when he was out for the day, I asked if we could get together for a few minutes to talk. Her response was simply "Leave me alone."

 

For Christmas, I sent her a photo book that had a lot of photos of her and her husband at various places we had visited in the past year. When I got back to work the week after Christmas I got a call from HR saying that she had filed a complaint against me. The complaint was initiated in response to the photo book but she also dragged in e-mails that she felt were inappropriate and told them that she never wanted to go out on breaks with me and she felt pressured into this and felt she could not say no. I never had any indication that she was less than happy going on breaks with me and she never said anything to me about my e-mails being inappropriate. I considered us friends and the e-mails (all but one of them to non-work e-mail accounts) were friendly e-mails. She underlined things like Do you have time for a friend? Or I miss the closeness we shared and one that I signed with a virtual hug.

 

I am still waiting for the final decision from HR but for the time being we have simply been told to not have any contact with each other. We are both at work and it is very difficult for me right now. I try to avoid her as much as possible and wait to be sure she is in her office before I leave mine.

 

I don't know how this friendship went from best friend to worst enemy on her side so quickly and I have no idea what I could have done to cause this since she won't tell me. I have had problems with depression myself in the past and this episode has me back on meds for that; it helps with the pain but not my inability to understand any of this. I don't understand how she could have been my friend, how we could have been so close and how it has ended up like this.

Signed,
Depressed in Boston

 

ANSWER

Dear Depressed in Boston:

Your story is sad and hard to grasp for me, too. You say that you were "just friends" with this woman-in and out of the office-for almost a year and then the relationship seemed to deteriorate for no apparent reason.

 

My sense is that there had to be something that was going on in her personal life that you don't know about. Perhaps, her husband began to feel threatened by her office friendship. Or perhaps, while you were away on vacation, she realized that she had become more attached to you emotionally than was comfortable for her. I don't know the answers to these questions or whether I'm even raising the right possibilities. You probably don't either. The truth may be something she is unwilling to tell you or something that she doesn't fully understand herself.

 

That said, she made a unilateral decision to dump you and sealed the deal with a visit to HR. Then she began to collect "evidence" to build a case that your advances were unwelcome and had crossed the boundaries of a collegial relationship.

 

You haven't mentioned your response to HR and what they are "deciding." If the charges are serious and/or your job is in jeopardy, it would be wise to consult with an attorney. I'm also wondering how you handled this situation with your wife. Have you been able to be candid with her so you could depend on her for support? Finally, have you been totally forthcoming and honest with yourself in terms of your expectations of this friendship?

 

Clearly, you have no option now but to step back from the relationship with your co-worker and to limit any contact. Do not send her any emails or text messages at the office or at home.

 

Focus on maintaining your performance at work and on making sure you comply with any conditions that have been set forth by your employer. It's important that you work through your feelings about this upsetting situation outside the office: either with your wife, a trusted friend, or a mental health professional. If they have worked for you in the past, an antidepressant may be of help. If you feel the need and have the opportunity, you may want to transfer to another unit of your organization or change employment.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to accept that you may never have a complete understanding of what happened, just your side of the equation, and that you need to pick up the pieces as best you can and move forward.

I hope that this helps a little.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

My friend Michelle, whom I've known over ten years, was a late relationship bloomer. She broke up with her first serious boyfriend about a year ago; they were together for three years. It destroyed her. But less than two weeks later, she was talking to him again. He didn't want to rekindle the relationship; he just wanted sex.

 

So for the past year she has had sex with him, but she isn't emotionally strong enough to have a friends-with-benefits relationship. She spends most of her time with him and his family but they all take advantage of her. She babysits his sister's kids for free and calls them her niece and nephew. She completely downgraded her career path so she could work part-time with two members of his family, whom she drives to work. She drives him around because he doesn't work.

 

She invited herself to their family camping trip in the summer; then they made her drive. I have talked to her about how unhealthy a situation it is for her to be in, but she refuses to see it. Today, it went too far. She met the family at the hospital to be there for the family, while their grandma was on her deathbed. I can appreciate being there for a friend, but she feels that she is family and entitled to be there for all of the private family moments.

 

She never let the relationship feelings go. He gets sex without any of the effort of treating her like a girlfriend, so I don't think he'll make the change. I should also mention that the family has made nothing but poor financial decisions; they have declared bankruptcy multiple times and right now the whole family is living in a rented home, using credit to buy things that they don't need. Since she met her ex, she works as little as possible and at 25 years old had to declare bankruptcy herself. Unfortunately, she hasn't learned anything about money since then, and I can see her making the same mistakes.

 

I love her so much and she has been one of my best friends since we were 14, but it hurts me to watch her throw her life away. I don't know what to do. Is there something that can help her see what's going on or should I cut her out?

Signed,
Laila

 

ANSWER

Dear Laila,

 

As you point out, Michelle has been sucked into this family that seems to be headed on a downward spiral. I suspect that she has such low self-esteem and is so needy for her boyfriend's affection that she is willingly doing whatever she can to remain involved with him.

 

As her friend, I understand how you would be concerned about her. I'm sure you've expressed your feelings about this situation to her more than once. Unfortunately, she seems to be "stuck" and is making a series of bad decisions regarding her career, finances and social relationships.

 

You can do two things for her as a friend: 1) Try to engage her in positive experiences with yourself and other people from time to time so her world isn't limited to that of her boyfriend and his family. 2) Suggest that she may benefit from some counseling to help her become more confident and independent.

 

She's an adul and even if you were her mother or her sister, you couldn't do much more than that. Whether it's drinking, gambling, work, or love, people often make bad decisions that are painful to watch for those who love them. If the friendship is too frustrating for you to sustain, you may have to tell her so. But leave the door open so she can come back to you if she is able to dig herself out of this pit.

Hope this is helpful.

Irene

Every mother knows how tough middle school friendships can be for young women. Dara Chadwick is a freelance journalist and writer who spent a year chronicling her Weight Loss Diary for Shape Magazine. That experience and her interviews and discussions with her readers led her to reflect on the effect that mothers have on their teen and tween daughters' body image and sense of self. She wrote You'd Be So Pretty If (Da Capo Lifelong, 2009) to help shape her daughter's "future relationship with her body" and that of other young women.

 

An entire chapter (Chapter 7) of this engaging book is focused on "Mean Girls and Frenemies." Since middle school can create many friendship challenges for young girls who are becoming women, I was delighted to talk to Dara about some of her findings.

 

Q. Why do young women focus conversation and gossip on each other's body size and shape?

 

In middle-school, especially, I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Everybody's body is changing, and they're all changing according to their own timetable. Some young adolescents look like grown women, while others still look like little girls. At this age, it's natural to worry and fret and wonder if you're normal. Gossiping is a way to find out.

 

Another characteristic of young adolescence is to not want to be different - to not want to stand out - from your peers in any way. Girls seek reassurance that they're OK and that they're just like everybody else. Finally, for some girls who are truly insecure, gossiping and "body bullying" is a way to assert power and dominance - to secure your place in the pack, so to speak.

 

Q. How do moms and the media contribute to this problem?

 

The media floods girls with enhanced and digitized images of models and of their favorite celebrities. Naturally, these images can cause girls to think that they can and should look like these enhanced images do. It's so important for moms to help girls realize that these images aren't real. In my book, I talk about teaching girls to look at media images the same way they'd look at art in a museum.

 

Sure, an image may be beautiful, but it's just a representation of one photographer or one magazine's idea of what beauty looks like. It's not a real goal that girls can attain with enough effort or self-control. It's also helpful for girls to see the level of re-touching that goes on in magazines. The Dove films at Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty are a great conversation-starter about what's real and what isn't.

 

Q. How can moms help build resilience among their daughters who will face these challenges?

 

It starts with being accepting of and kind to your own body. There's no denying the importance of friends in a young tween or teen's life - peers are a huge influence. But moms shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that they're no longer important. Our daughters are watching us and listening to the things we say about ourselves.

 

The thing that most surprised me in talking to the girls I interviewed for my book was how beautiful they think their moms are. Now, imagine how she feels when she thinks you're beautiful, but you do nothing but put yourself down. Not only is it hurtful, it's also teaching her not to trust her own feelings about what beauty is. Speaking kindly about your own body and treating it well with healthy eating and exercise also gives her permission to do the same for herself. From you, she can learn that it's OK for a woman to like her body. I think it's important to watch the way you talk about other women and girls, too. Snarky comments, criticisms or even compliments based purely on appearance or weight loss send a message to girls.

 

Q. What were some of our own memories of adolescence that you brought to the book?

 

Eighth grade was hands down the worst year of my adolescent life. My daughter is in eighth grade now and it's been fascinating to watch how her experience is unfolding. For me, I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I've always had curves and muscles, but I so wanted to be like my friends who had more boyish frames. In retrospect, my discomfort with myself often came across to others as aloofness, and I struggled with that at times.

 

By high school, I'd lost quite a bit of weight and found my niche on the cheerleading squad. But the weight loss didn't bring the body confidence I thought it would. I remember once that on career day, a representative from a modeling agency came in and spoke. There was a girl in my class who was quite tall and very pretty. The representative asked her to walk across the room, which she did with absolute grace and confidence. The representative then asked, in a totally smarmy voice, "Are there any cheerleaders in this room?" All heads turned to me immediately and she asked me to get up and walk across the room, too. I knew I was being made fun of and I remember it as being one of the most uncomfortable body image moments of my life. The outward appearance of cute little cheerleader didn't match the inner feelings. I try to remember that disconnect when I'm talking with adolescent girls.

 

Q. Under what circumstances should moms intervene in an obviously toxic teen friendship?

 

If your daughter is being teased, excluded or "toyed with" for lack of a better term, I think it's important to help her see that the behavior is really about the "friends" who are treating her this way and not about her. One of the best things you can do is help her develop multiple friendship groups so she can see that with her own eyes. If school friends are behaving badly, having other friends at dance class or at basketball who like her and treat her well helps her make that connection.

 

It can also be helpful to talk with her about what might be behind their behavior (for example, are they jealous? Not feeling good about themselves?), but only if it's something she's interested in talking about. Mostly, moms can help by being a sounding board if she needs to talk, by supporting her efforts to develop healthy friendships and by sharing stories of their own adolescences - if she wants to hear them, of course.

Have a friendship question? Ask the Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

I was a close friend with a co-worker for 5 years. At one point, she had a huge fight with a mutual co-worker, someone with emotional problems with whom I remained friends. She wasn't comfortable with the other woman; the stress between the two of them was palpable. I really don't blame her for that.

 

Anyway, my friend and I used to share an office and got quite close until she left for a while. When she returned, she got a nice promotion and seemed very busy. While she was gone, I got a new office mate and struck up other office friendships. A group of us regularly go for drinks and occasional lunches.

 

For at least a month, I sensed a vibe from her of not being very friendly toward me. I probably didn't reach out to her like I should have but I have had personal issues (surviving my cancer, depression in my family, and a mom with dementia in a nursing home) that make some days a challenge just to get through.

 

I went to her a couple of days ago and asked if something was wrong. She told me she was disappointed that I wasn't the friend she thought. She said that everything was about me---I never asked how things were going with her, etc. Basically, she said she didn't consider me a friend any longer but would work with me without any problems. She also said I spend my time with the "others" and never reached out to her (although I have not gotten an invite from her for a while). She's had similar episodes and ended two other close friendships.

 

I will admit I did get lazy, but not intentionally. As I said, my energy level is not at its highest. She is not well-liked around the office, known as a troublemaker and gossip, and I had often found myself defending her work and work decisions. When we were friends, I always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway, I was pretty upset, after she insinuated that I was a piece of crap as a friend. I told her that I had been extremely busy lately, was sick, etc. I also told her that life is short and if people are really friends, they should get past that. I sent her a short email later expressing that, too.

 

I feel really badly--and guilty. Am I an evil, selfish, all-about-me person? I never meant to hurt or disappoint her. We were like kids sometimes, giggling and having a good time, and I miss her company. I am guessing the best thing to do is to step back and hold off asking her to lunch, as it would seem fake at this point. I'm also vowing to never establish a work friendship again-it is just too difficult if it doesn't work out.

Signed,
Sad Sara

 

ANSWER

Hi Sara,

 

Your letter raises two basic questions: 1) Are you responsible for the uncomfortable relationship with your co-worker? and 2) Should you avoid future friendships at work based on this experience?

 

First, it's understandable that you would feel awkward when a close friendship falls apart and you have to see the other person every day at work. Yet under the best of circumstances, your friend was high-maintenance. She was volatile, possessive of you, and tended to get into conflicts with co-workers. It sounds like you overlooked a lot of negatives to maintain the friendship. You tried to resolve the misunderstanding and handled yourself as well as one might expect.

 

Given everything that has happened in your life recently, you have every reason to be less patient and less tolerant of a friendship that is weighing you down. Your inability to navigate this difficult relationship doesn't make you a bad friend. If anything, you should feel a bit miffed at her. Does your friend even realize that you are coping with a lot right now and may need support rather than more demands placed on you?

 

In terms of the second question, workplace friendships can have their upsides and downsides so they need to be handled cautiously. Of course, befriending a known troublemaker greatly increases the risk of potential problems. You need to step back and concentrate on taking care of yourself-focusing primarily on your work, at work. Maintain a cordial and professional relationship with your once-close friend and don't give up all your other office relationships because of one bad egg.

 

Hope this is helpful.

Best,

Irene

 

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QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Levine,

 

I've had a roller coaster relationship with my BF for the past eight years. We both hit it off when our oldest kids (we have 7 in total) met in first grade. What began as a "play date" with children grew into a friendship that involved couples weekends, family trips, dinners out, BBQ's, etc. Basically we were inseparable.

 

The friendship has not been without emotional turmoil, however. My BF is the most incredible woman when she is "on". However, she is moody, explosive, jealous and extremely insecure. She has had very few women friendships in her life. I have always been extremely social with lots of friends but only a handful of close ones.

 

Because I have no family living nearby (other than my immediate family), I deeply value my close friends and put a lot of effort into maintaining those relationships. My BF was constantly jealous and bitter about whomever else I would chose to spend time. To avoid her wrath, I began including her in every plan or not going out as often for coffee or lunch with others. She was never there for me if I was conflicted, concerned or stressed about family, health, or school, etc. I realized those areas of my life were simply not important to her.

 

I realized that my BF controlled our friendship and decided when she wanted to share information. When she became moody or angry, she just slipped into silence and would need me to pull her out of it with attention. I still forged forward because when she was "on," she was really great. It was usually fun to be with my BF.

 

Recently she and her husband decided to move their family away. I only learned about their big decision when the sign went up in front of their home, at the same time when random neighbors and associates found out. Their home sold within a month and they had made offers on homes in other communities. I had learned all this from other friends she spoke to about four times a year.

 

We live in a small community; gossip and speculation were rampant. Because my BF and her husband did not share much with the outside world, people were constantly asking my family and me about their decision to move and about the whereabouts. They assumed that her BF would know. I felt so embarrassed, stunned and hurt that I had no answers. Often I would learn more from casual comments in the grocery store than my own friend had bothered to share with me.

 

The friendship had always been one-sided; I always forgave her. This time I think there was just too much water under the bridge-too much hurt. After she sold her house, she never spoke to me again. Our husbands stopped golfing and watching football games; our kids stopped texting and arranging playtime. I just sat, feeling hurt as her family packed up and moved away. I never said goodbye.

 

It has been three months and I still think of her every day. I have gone under the radar and kept to myself about what I truly feel about what transpired. I know my reality and sleep soundly at night knowing in my heart that I couldn't have done anything different. But I miss her. I miss the "fun" and laughing at silly stuff and relaxing over drinks and dinner with our husbands.

 

How much longer do I have to feel like I am getting over a bad break-up? There was truly more bad than good in this friendship but it still feels like such a loss. Advice???

Signed,
Heart-Broken

 

ANSWER:

Dear Heart-Broken,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Whatever your friend's faults, she was still your BF. You enjoyed the time you spent with her and her family and made sacrifices to maintain the friendship. Yes, she was always a private person---but not telling you about moving is over the top. There must be some secret she is hiding that she isn't comfortable telling you. I can only speculate: perhaps, the couple is separating, or having financial or employment problems. Whatever the details, she simply doesn't feel comfortable sharing the information with you or anyone else. That's her loss because I'm sure you would be supportive of her situation.

 

As you describe it, your BF was a moody, jealous, self-centered and possessive woman and you felt ambivalent about the relationship. I give you credit for being flexible enough to adapt to her idiosyncrasies but you really deserve more. Use her move as an opportunity to make other friends. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. If anyone asks what happened, be frank; you have no idea about the circumstances surrounding their move.

 

I know it's particularly difficult for you because you lost what felt like part of your family. They may contact you again when the dust has settled but you need to move forward with your own life and your friendships. This is also a teachable moment for your kids because they will learn that not all friendships last forever.

 

Best,
Irene

 

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QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I've gone through multiple friend break-ups and it seems to be a recurring theme for me. I never want these friendships to end but they always fall apart because I ask too much of them.

 

I always have a feeling of insecurity with friends to the point where I need so much reassurance that the friend becomes exhausted. I think this tendency may spring from my ongoing depression---but how can I overcome this extreme friendship anxiety?

 

And how can I go about repairing friendships that have been weakened or cut off because of this? Too frequently I've had friendships that have started well, escalated towards very intense then petered out for the reason above. I don't want this to happen anymore, what can I do?

Signed,
Anonymous

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Anonymous,

If you feel depressed and it is complicating your friendships, you need to get to the root cause of your problem: depression. When someone is depressed, it can take a lot of energy to focus on other people.

 

The good news: You seem to have a knack for making friends and you've recognized that you eventually ask too much of them. Try to keep this in mind and see your friends in small doses so it isn't overwhelming for them or for you. At the same time, speak to a mental health professional (perhaps, you're already seeing one) and ask for help. Depression is a treatable illness.

 

Thanks so much for posting and I hope this was helpful.

Best,
Irene