friendship doctor

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm having a difficult time moving on after ending a toxic friendship. I began distancing myself from this friend once I realized she was toxic. However, our sons are both 3-years-old and were in the same preschool class. My son eventually bit this friend's son because he was tired of being bitten. Hers is a biter; mine is a pusher/shover.

 

After I began distancing myself, this friend and another woman complained so bitterly and consistently about my son's pushing and shoving in class that the school eventually wanted to know if we were abusing our son. The teachers felt they needed to isolate my son to "protect him." Many other things were happening but in the interest of brevity, I'll just say that we eventually pulled my son out of this classroom. I understand every mother's desire to protect their child, and can see---knowing what I do about her character/personality---the situation from her side. However, it doesn't excuse the events that happened and doesn't eliminate the fact that the school asked about abuse.

 

My son was observed by professionals and found to be very bright/verbal and displaying NORMAL toddler behavior. Meanwhile, my son can't possibly understand what is happening. We later found out that my husband and I intimidated the teachers and the director because we are both psychologists. The boss of these two individuals sat down with us and told us everything that was happening---that the teachers were not telling us---and also let us know that she, too, agreed our son was intelligent and normal.

 

My son has since begun a Montessori program and is doing wonderfully and thriving. My difficulty lies in: 1) I want to contact my ex-friend to express my hurt and anger and address these actions/issues but I'm still so hurt I'm not sure how to approach this without putting her on the defensive, and 2) I'm not sure how to handle future meetings with this woman and her family in our neighborhood. Our sons are too young to understand why their friendship was so abruptly halted, so when they see each other at the neighborhood playground they will want to play with each other. What is your advice? Thanks so much...these last few months have been torture.

Best,
Tara

 

ANSWER

Dear Tara,

I understand how painful this situation must be for you and your husband. Preschoolers often get into scuffles with other kids and, as you mention, parents can be quite defensive and even ferocious when they feel their children are being attacked.

 

When my own son was in preschool, there was a "biter" in the classroom and a group of parents were adamant about trying to get the toddler removed from the school rather than figuring out a way with the teacher and family to change her behavior.

 

Nonetheless, it sounds like you need to move on from this friendship. Before the incident with your son, you realized that you needed to distance yourself from her. Now, given the allegations that were lodged against you, this relationship seems beyond repair. Had your friend come to you directly, instead of complaining to the school and other parents, things might have worked out differently.

 

It's great that you enrolled your son in the Montessori school where he has no history behind him and has probably matured by now. It also sounds like the last school didn't handle the situation very well.

 

As with any broken friendship, be cordial to the mom and say hello but I see no reason in trying to rehash the past. In terms of the kids, you can allow your son to play with hers as long as you carefully monitor the situation and make sure there are no problems. Limits need to be set so that the children respect one another and do not hurt one another while playing. Unfortunately, if the other mom feels differently, you may have to schedule your playground visits at times when she and her son aren't there.

 

I hope this helps!

Best,
Irene

 

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On Saturday (June 26), I participated in a live radio interview with Liv and her friends on Get Real on 107.1 in Minneapolis/St. Paul. You can listen to me by clicking on the second hour of the program. My friend/colleague Debba Hauppert spoke on the first hour.

Click here to download the program.

 

 

Come meet the Friendship Doctor at The Charles Hotel
in Cambridge 

Join NYU alumni, parents, and friends from your community for a very special evening of lively discussion with NYU Professor Irene S. Levine.

 

Evidence suggests that at any age or stage of life, close friends are vital to our health and emotional well-being. Yet, the large majority of friendships are inherently fragile and dynamic. What makes some of them "stick" while others fall apart? Are there gender differences in the ways in which men and women befriend? How have changes in technology affected the nature of our friendships?

 

In her new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, NYU Professor Dr. Irene S. Levine surveys more than 1500 women and offers her advice on navigating modern friendships. Join Dr. Levine as she conveys her findings, offers suggestions for negotiating and nurturing these complex relationships, and answers your questions.

 

Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist, author, and professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine, and has also spent much of her career as a senior manager at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Dr. Levine blogs as "The Friendship Doctor" on The Huffington Post and PsychologyToday.com, and has contributed to major publications including: The New York Times, Reader's Digest, and Self. She has also appeared on The Today Show.

 

Beverages and hors d'oeuvres will be served.

Cost
$15 per person
$10 per person for graduates from 1999-2010
Complimentary admission is extended to members of the University Giving Clubs, members of the Society of the Torch, alumni who contribute $100 or more per year to The Fund for NYU, and to all current NYU parents.

Contact Kate Gavulis at 212-992-7617 for more information.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I started a job approximately a year ago and met a woman with whom I became friends immediately. She was fun to be with and an interesting person. The only drawback was that she seemed to constantly talk about people and write off friends the minute she felt they had done her wrong. She also tried to tell me how to run my life. I finally told her that I felt she was out of line and it was not her place to tell me what to do.

 

There was a part-time position in her department and I applied for it. In fact, she was instrumental in making sure I got hired there. Now that I am there she treats me awfully. We actually had it out and she told me she was mad because I previously had told her to stay out of my business. I said to her, "You have me come to work with you and then treat me like this?"

 

I told her I felt betrayed and was sorry I had told her so much personal information about myself but that I hoped we could get past this and work together. I no longer want the friendship but would like to keep my part-time job because the money is good. But it's been extremely stressful. My question is should I stay or should I go? I'm ready to call my manager.

Signed,
Stephanie

 

ANSWER

Hi Stephanie,

I hate to tell someone that they should have but in your case, you have gotten caught in a bit of a friendship mess and a work morass as well.

 

You really should have heeded the warning signs of a colleague who gossips and sees the friendship world in black and white, where people are either friends or foes. It would have been best not to get too close too soon.

 

When you felt like she wanted to run your life, you probably should have not been as blunt. Considering you had to work with her, you could have stepped back from the relationship a bit without a confrontation.

 

Before you signed on to work in her department, you probably should have anticipated it might be uncomfortable doing so.

It sounds like your once-friend is holding a grudge. You should have told your friend that you merely want a decent working relationship at this point----and I'm glad you did!

 

From your letter, I'm not sure how your co-worker is continuing to make your life miserable. If she is sabotaging your work in any way, it's totally appropriate to discuss this with your manager. If the way she is being awful is in the sense of being cold, distant or rejecting, discussing it with your boss may only add fuel to the fire and exacerbate the problem.

 

Should you stay or must you go? Only you can answer that. The considerations are financial and emotional. Your best option to reduce stress and keep your paycheck is to focus on your work and relate to your ex-friend as a colleague only. If this feels impossible, find a way to extricate yourself from this situation on your own timetable and at your own convenience. Perhaps you could ask for another internal reassignment or find a job that is just as good or better without the complication of working beside an ex-friend.

I hope this is helpful and wish you good luck.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

What can you say to buddies in this situation to get them off your back: You go to a restaurant. They order burgers and fries. You order a salad. They mock you and proceed with comments like "That's not real food. Why do you always get a salad? Are you trying to lose weight? Ugh, you're so annoying." Some of my healthier friends and I have talked about how self-conscious this makes us feel when people are constantly on our back and making us feel guilty just for trying to get some nutritional value in our lives.

Signed,
A College Student

 

ANSWER

Dear College Student,

If it only happens once, ignore it. These are your friends and they're probably teasing you because they're feeling guilty about indulging. There's no need to feel self-conscious; you are doing what you feel is good for you.

 

If it happens multiple times or is being done in a nasty way, you need to come up with a plan of action. Perhaps you could explain how their comments make you feel, either at lunch or afterwards, and do so firmly. They'll probably be able to tell from the tone of your voice that you mean, "Cut it out."

 

If they don't respond, you can try to ask your BFF to serve as your ally and tell the rest of the group to lighten up because it's beginning to annoy you. If the problem still persists, your buddies may be the same kind of friends who were the "mean girls" at your lunch table at middle school. You can either chalk it up to their immaturity or look for a new table with friends who don't judge their friends' eating habits.

 

One caveat: If you tend toward an eating disorder, either severely restricting your diet or binging and purging, they may be trying to get you to eat a more balanced diet.

Best,
Irene

 

"The Friendship Doctor" is now a regular contributing expert to "HerCampus: A Collegiette's Guide to Life," an online magazine for college women with both national and college-by-college content at schools across the country.

 

Written by top college journalists and founded by three current Harvard undergraduates-Stephanie Kaplan ‘10, Windsor Hanger ‘10, and Annie Wang ‘11-HerCampus was a winner in Harvard College's business plan competition, the i3 Innovation Challenge, in March 2009.

 

The question and answer above previously appeared in a recent post on HerCampus

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I haven't seen anything like this on your blog, so maybe others have the same question. I have a close friend I met about two years ago in a support group. We both lost our husbands to illness in their prime. Needless to say, we feel connected in a way that is not common to most friends.

 

We started going out once a week for lunch to discuss our struggles and to support each other outside the group. Lately, that is the only environment in which my friend seems to want to be friends. She will not come over to my house but says she wants to; will not come to parties but says she will try. Even something as simple as meeting at a different lunch place is like twisting her arm. I called her one time letting her know I was at a different eating establishment to see if she wanted to join me and her response was to come by pick me up and drive us both to the same old hang out.

 

She doesn't seem to be embarrassed to be with me. I have met some of her friends, been to her house, been to her parties, met some her family. So I just don't get it. She is always asking me to go out of town with her or attend social events but if I ask it's never returned. Last week I had a big once a year event and she was the only one that would not give me a straight yes or no. I got excuse after excuse but she said she really wanted to come. I told her how much it would mean to me if she showed up and she said she would really try. Of course, she didn't show up.

 

She got upset when her tennis partner didn't show up to her 40th birthday party and yet she seems to think is okay for her to act the same way with me. She basically said don't be mad at her if she can't make it but has not called since.

 

I am confused, she is very supportive during our lunch chats, texts me every day until I am free like she really wants to see me. She even sent me an email one time telling me how much she valued my friendship. That being said, she will not move out of the lunch box.

 

Is there anything I can do to move her out of that box and try new things or go new places? I'm starting to feel like she doesn't care or is not capable of caring.

Signed, Linda

 

ANSWER

Dear Linda,

I understand your confusion because this is an out-of-the ordinary situation. If it makes you feel any better, this isn't about you; it's about your friend. For some psychological reason, she is reluctant to be with new people or do new things. It sounds like she has to control her environment. This could be due to something like social anxiety, agoraphobia, or some unresolved grief---but these are just possibilities. Without knowing her, it's hard to guess.

 

As you well know, when you lose your husband of many years, you lose not only your lover but also a big piece of yourself. Trying new things on your own and being in crowds with people you don't know can be very stressful. Maybe that's why she only wants to go familiar places and entertain in her own home, etc. Some people are able to recover more quickly than others.

 

Ask your friend to sit down with you and have a heart-to-heart. Tell her exactly what you told me: Tell her how close you feel to her and that you were hurt when she didn't come to your big bash. Ask her to replay her own feelings when her tennis partner wouldn't come to hers. See if she can give you any clues to why she is unwilling to see you except on her own terms.

 

Even though she values your friendship, she may not be able to explain her feelings or change her behavior. Then you will need to decide if you can keep your relationship with her limited to "the box" she has chosen or not---at least for the time being. It sounds like you have been through a lot together and treasure her friendship otherwise, so I would give her some wiggle room right now.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

On Friday, April 23rd, I'll be joining a panel of writers at the annual conference of the American Society of Journalists & Authors (ASJA) at the Roosevelt Hotel in New York City. We've been asked to talk about the new communication vehicles that successful authors are using in their book publicity plans and all the nuts and bolts of book promotions PR specialists say are a must in the web 2.0 era. What a privilege to be among a panel of experts and friends!

 

My co-panelists include moderator Beverly Blair Harzog, co-author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Person-to-Person Lending; Carrie Bachman,president of Carrie Bachman public relations, a boutique firm specializing in cookbook publicity; Monica Bhide, author of Modern Spice - Inspired Indian Flavors for the Contemporary Kitchen; and Allison Winn Scotch, New York Times bestselling author of the novels Time of My Life, The Department of Lost and Found and The One That I Want.

 

If you look quickly---without blinking---The Friendship Blog is featured this week (only) on the ASJA homepage. 

 

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

When a woman feels that she has a problem with a long-term friend or friendship, why does she not simply sit down and work it out? Why does she prefer to let the friendship die instead of trying to repair it? How can she just turn her back after so many years? It seems to me that women only remain friends as long as everything is perfect. As soon as a problem arises, they cut and run. Why are we such cowards?

Signed,
Lucy

 

ANSWER

Dear Lucy,

Like any other relationship, friendships are rarely perfect. Friends make seamless accommodations to one another all the time. But when larger issues or conflicts arise, they can suddenly create a wedge between two people. Perhaps, it's something one friend said or did that hurt the other person, or something she didn't say or do when she should have. Given the many myths associated with female friendships, it's easy to hold close friends up to unrealistic standards, and to feel disappointed or betrayed when they don't measure up.

 

So why don't friends just talk about it?

• Some women are afraid of dealing with a conflict or disagreement, even at the risk of losing a good friend.

• Some women don't know how to broach an uncomfortable subject because they lack self-confidence or experience resolving friendship problems. It may feel easier to avoid the problem and ditch the friend.

• Some women decide, rightly or wrongly, that a friendship is irreparable. Perhaps, words were exchanged that were so hurtful that they can't be taken back or undone. Or perhaps, things were building up for some time and this was the proverbial last straw.

 

More times than not, problems between friends can be resolved with open and honest communication. Think about it: There is usually much more to be gained than lost by trying to resolve a misunderstanding and if it doesn't work out, you are no worse off for trying. Thanks for your question reminding us that the risks are worthwhile if the relationship is a meaningful one.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have been friends with Amy since high school, and we are now mothers in our 30s. I have a 10-year-old and another baby on the way. Last August, I got married and that's when things went weird. My husband and I had a very small intimate wedding: only immediate family, and a couple of good friends were invited. Amy was one of them, and she cancelled at the last minute.

 

Her birthday is in December, and we got together at my house. I made dinner and also got her a little something for her birthday. Since then, the friendship has gone downhill although I have talked with her about it then. She is a single mom, and I understand because I was one until I got married. She also works a full-time job and lives with her parents.

 

My birthday was on March 18 and I never even got a phone call, let alone a gift. I spoke with her on the phone two days later, and she never mentioned anything. She asked me what I was doing over the weekend and I said we were celebrating my birthday with the in-laws. She apologized and said she felt so badly, and proceeds to end the conversation saying we should have dinner when I feel better.

 

I'm 25 weeks pregnant, and have been on bed rest for the last three weeks. I'm really disappointed that she hasn't even stopped by to see how I am doing. I've discussed her behavior with her in the past, but I haven't talked about it recently. Whenever I've told her that I didn't appreciate how she was treating me, she listened to what I have to say, but always had an excuse. She also says that I don't want to do anything unless my husband comes along, which is not true. It seems like she uses my marriage as an excuse all the time.

 

I should also mention that she has an eating disorder, which I think is part of the reason for her selfishness. She has been battling that since we were 17. I have always been there for her, but I really can't say that she has for me. I guess I'm really wondering how I should end the friendship? Thanks so much for your help.

Signed,
Terri

 

ANSWER

Dear Terri:

Your friend didn't show up at your wedding, forgot your birthday, and hasn't visited you for three weeks while you are home on bed rest. Her apologies feel empty because they're always accompanied by what seems like a flimsy excuse.

 

Perhaps, you were able to depend upon one another when you were both single moms but it sounds like you've been getting the short end of the friendship stick since you married. It may be that Amy has so many problems and responsibilities that she is barely managing taking care of herself. Or she may be envious that your married life appears to be in perfect order while hers is not. Whatever the reason, something is missing from your friendship now.

 

In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I quote Woody Allen who once said, "Eighty percent of success in life is just showing up." If your friend can't show up when you are housebound or to celebrate something as special as your wedding day, you need to think about whether the friendship is reciprocal or has become so one-sided that it is no longer satisfying.

 

Here are two options, if either one feels right to you: 1) You can stop initiating further contact and see if you just drift apart, or 2) You can write her a note saying that the nature of your friendship has changed and you need some time away from it. Don't be accusatory; tell her you wish her well. Either approach leaves the door open in case you decide to reconcile on different terms at some point.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

 

 

 

One way to replenish your stock of friends is to dig deep into your past. Rediscovering a friend with whom you have a shared history can truly be a treasure. Imagine reconnecting with someone who is familiar with the neighborhood where you grew up, your parents and/or siblings, or your old elementary school teachers. Or perhaps, it is a person with whom you shared some firsts: sharing a bunk the first time you went to sleepaway camp, a locker in high school, or the friend you made at your first job.

 

Be forewarned: What happens after you say hello, isn't always predictable. Sometimes, old friends are able to laugh together and pick up right where they left off. Other times, it feels awkward and there isn't much to say after you've exchanged a few pleasantries and memories; you wonder if it is really the same person you knew then. Yet, if you keep your expectations in check, the odds are that just succeeding at making the connection, even if turns out to be fleeting, will be well worth the effort.

 

After we found each other online, at one of my book-signing events in Maryland, I was left breathless when I saw my best friend Anita from my old neighborhood in New York showed up to meet me. She has a terrific memory and jogged my brain circuits with stories from our childhood that I had long forgotten (or perhaps repressed). Some time ago, I posted here about how finding a long lost friend was akin to Finding Buried Treasure. Then yesterday morning, I saw a wonderful article in the New York Times Personal Tech section, by Eric Taub, that added a few new tricks.

 

So here's my new and improved list on how to find a long lost friend:

• Try finding the person using Google by putting her first name and last name in quotes. See what comes up. If you know the city and/or state where she lives or last lived, you can refine the search by putting that after her name in quotes.

• Similarly, you can try Pipl.com. This is a meta-search engine that finds people using numerous public databases.

• Check out groups from your high school or college on social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace.

• Search for former classmates on sites like Reunion.com or Classmates.com---or email or phone the alumni office of your alma mater.

• Let your fingers do the walking---use the white pages directory on switchboard.com.

• No luck finding her in a directory? Are her parents or other relatives findable? Chances are they may still live in the same town she did. Try finding their phone numbers or email addresses.

• If you don't know any relatives, you could try the friend-of-a-friend route. Do you know someone who knew her that you are still in touch with and who may be easier to find?

• Any clue to the kind of work she is doing? Perhaps, you can find her through LinkedIn, a professional association, or the human resources office of her former place of employment.

• Jigsaw.com is a database with 20 million business contacts, including addresses, titles, phone numbers and e-mail addresses. You can either subscribe or pay a $5 charge to find contact information for one individual.

• In my prior post, I mentioned that finding old female friends is far more challenging than finding males ones because of changes in surnames. Taub offered a clever suggestion: Search major newspapers for engagement or wedding announcements that may offer clues to your girlfriend's new married name.

• Finally, even better than digging: If you develop a blog, personal website, or other web presence, your old friends may come out of the woodwork looking for you.

I'd love you to comment here about any experiences you've had in finding a long lost friend!