friendship advice

The dirty little secret no one talks about...

 

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don't last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there's a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

 

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure---relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets---our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings---resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

 

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it's not surprising that friendships fray. Anne's story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

 

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

 

1) Communicate

There's a wall of silence between you. She isn't answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven't seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there's any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what's wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

 

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong-or who didn't do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn't going to work.

 

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

 

4) Take a break

You've approached your friend to sort out the problem and you've been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

 

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

 

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren't clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they're likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about---except on The Friendship Blog.com.

 

This post, by me, is the third in a weeklong series of posts by the bloggers involved in The Friendship Circle as part of The Month of Friendship. The blogs include: Girlfriendology, GirlfriendCelebrations, GirlfriendCircles, MWFSeekingBFF, and TheFriendshipBlog.

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday's guest post by Debba Hauppert of Girlfriendology.com was the first in a weeklong series of posts in celebration of The Month of Friendship.

Today's post is from Shasta Nelson, life coach and founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, the only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas. Shasta blogs weekly about women's friendships at GirlFriendCircles.com/Blog and is hosting friendship events in Chicago, San Francisco and L.A this month. If her name sounds familiar, it may be because she was a guest on the CBS Morning Show yesterday!

Here's Shasta's story:

When I moved to San Francisco, I had an amazing circle of friends spread across the country but soon realized that as much as I loved Facebook and my Iphone-I certainly didn't want all my relationships to be limited to them. I reached a point where I wanted to make new memories with friends, rather than the reporting of life or re-living of the past that we tend to do with "those we used to be close to."

I needed present friends. I needed local friends. I needed new friends.

Normalize New Friends

Those are hard words to say though, for some reason. We have this stigma that to admit needing friends might somehow be misinterpreted as saying "No one likes me" or "I have no friends." It taps into all our insecurities, fears and any shame we have over any relationship that didn't last forever.

 

In fact, most friendships don't last forever. Reported in September's MORE magazine, Sally Koslow says that "the average person now replaces half her friends every seven years." At first I gasped when I read that, and then I nodded in recognition.

 

The truth is that there are multiple times in our lives when we need to expand our circle of friends! Tons of times! Whether it's a move, a break-up/divorce, a realization that all your friends have kids/are single/moved away, a change in jobs or decision to work from home, a life-changing experience, a new hobby, a shift in life focus when our kids move out or we retire.... The list could go on-and-on! None of those reasons are a judgment against us! They are simply stages of life that remind us that while a couple of our friendships might prevail through differences, the truth is that we all need to be constantly replenishing our circle of friends to ensure it's meaningful for who we are now.

Need New Friends

There have been numerous reports linking a circle of supportive friends to lowering stress levels, increasing happiness, prevention of diseases, faster recovery rates for healing and greater chance of reaching life goals. Add to that the reports that relationships improve your odds of survival by 50 percent, and we have a serious reminder that our friendships are not a nice-to-have, but a necessity!

 

The research published in July in the journal PLoS Medicine, compared low social connectedness to have the same health impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, to being an alcoholic, as more harmful than not exercising and twice as harmful as obesity!

 

I'm not a big fan of telling people how many friends they need. We're all different, but studies seem to suggest people are happiest with somewhere between 5-10 meaningful friendships. And other reports show that half of us have less than 2 people we'd call real friends. There seems to be some discrepancy between our experience and our ideal?

 

Note that there is a difference between how many people you're friendly with versus how many people you call a friend. Huge difference. It's common to assume we have lots of friends, but when we examine it we realize we simply know a lot of friendly people through work and school. An easy test for me is to ask myself "How many people would I feel comfortable asking for a ride to the airport?" or "Who is in my life that I could text last-minute to see if they were available to hang out without it feeling weird?" Easy things-we're not even talking about taking care of your kids when they're sick!

Invite New Friends

Recognizing who is in our circle and acknowledging if, and when, we need to invite more meaningful friendships into our lives is part of taking care of our wellbeing.

 

I'll be the first to admit, it was often more tempting to call an established friend and tell her about my need to go shopping than it was to call up a potential friend to see if she wanted to go shopping. In the beginning it was less meaningful to talk to a new friend than to call someone who already knew me, but I held the truth that, like dating, I simply had to put the consistent time into my new relationships to create those bonds.

 

It didn't "just happen." Friendships don't just show up. Fun people might. But turning them into friendships simply is an investment we have to make.

 

And now, every Tuesday night, I have girls' night with the same four women in San Francisco. I know who to call for a ride to the airport and who to text for a last-minute get together!

 

So, now, my passion is helping foster that process for everyone else! Do it for your health & happiness!

 

On Wednesday, The Friendship Doctor (Irene) will be posting my thoughts here, with cross-posts on the blogs of other members of The Friendship Circle too.

 

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The Friendship Circle (a network of five organizations committed to celebrating the power of female friendships) is partnering in September for a Month of Friendship. Visit these Friendship Circle websites daily in September for more inspiration and information:

• The Friendship Blog – by psychologist, professor of psychiatry, and author, Dr. Irene S. Levine (The Friendship Doctor), author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Breakup with Your Best Friend. Follow Irene on Twitter.
• GirlfriendCelebrations – premier source of girls night ideas on the web. Founded by friends Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop. Girlfriend Celebrations on Facebook and Twitter
• GirlFriendCircles.com - only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas, by Shasta Nelson. On Facebook and Twitter.
• Girlfriendology.com - online community for women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Created by Debba Haupert. On Facebook and Twitter.
• MWF Seeking BFF - chronicles the author’s search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love, by Rachel Bertsche.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Our best friend has been seeing this guy. She's really into him so she wanted us to spend some time together to get to know him. Unfortunately, both of us really dislike him. We find him arrogant and narcissistic, to the point of his putting us down to make himself look better.

 

Our friend has had boyfriends in the past, all of whom we've at least gotten along with, if not genuinely liked. This new guy is, in fact, the first one we hate. He offended us numerous times, both in front of and behind our friend's back. When he's not being pompous and condescending, he's just outright boring. The night we met, he interrupted our conversation many times to tell us unrelated, dull stories, which were boastful and pretentious.

 

The next day, we each separately approached our friend with our concerns and had a couple of civil conversations with her. However, she refuses to see our point of view and chooses to take his side, insinuating that we're jealous because we are single.

 

We don't know how to proceed without causing a rift in our friendship because she's spending increasingly more time with him. We can't bring ourselves to put up with him anymore so she's going to have to divide her time between him and us---no matter how much we love her. We've never been in such a position before and desperately need advice.

Thank you!

Abby and Alana

 

ANSWER

Dear Abby and Alana,

As you well understand, when people first fall in love, they can be blind to each other's foibles. You can warn someone that she is hitching her wagon to a loser until you are blue in the face, but she won't be able to hear you until she gains some insight on her own.

 

You've already hit on the right solution for your dilemma: Limit "everyone together time" and try to encourage your friend to regularly spend time with her gal pals. That way, you'll be able to cushion her fall when she needs you. If she asks, be honest about your feelings about her boyfriend but don't harangue her about her relationship.

 

Keep in mind: From time to time friends show bad judgment or make choices that seem self-destructive. Sometimes, our conclusions about them are premature and things don't actually turn out as badly as we thought they would.

 

It's always a challenge to communicate a balance of honesty, concern, and support to someone who appears to be a bad situation. I admire you for taking on this challenge and being such good friends.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch on similar issues:

• Feeling used by a friend
• Inseparable friends until...
• Friends don't judge...or do they?
• Watching a good friend make bad decisions

 

 

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter.

 

A recent Harris Interactive Poll commissioned by Hampton Hotels found that 43% of adults travel with a friend at least once a year and at least 74% prefer to take a road trip when they do. The survey also found that the most discussed aspect of a trip is deciding where to go (34%), followed by what to do (27%), and finally agreeing on the budget (14%).

For me, one of the best parts of traveling is sharing the experience with others: both the people traveling with me, and those I befriend along the way. So I was delighted that Hampton (part of Hilton worldwide) recently tapped me as a spokesperson to provide advice to them and their guests on traveling with friends. Here are some of the tips to strengthen the bonds of friendship and avoid unnecessary hassles; they may be timely during these last weeks of summer.

 

Don't Snooze When You Choose

Select your travel companions wisely and make sure they're people whose company you enjoy and with whom you feel comfortable and relaxed. Any vacation with friends offers the potential to bring you closer and to create shared memories that can last a lifetime.

 

First Class or Coach?

Talk costs upfront; some friends are more frugal than others. You may all covet lavish vacations but you're also realistically constrained by budgets. Let's be honest, it's a bit uncomfortable to talk about money. Being clear about any budget limitations will make the trip less stressful each time you have to reach for your wallet.

 

Pick a City, Any City

Where you travel depends on the friends, their tastes, their pocketbooks and the season. Decide if you want to expose yourself to new cultures with different foods and customs or just sit back, relax and enjoy your vacation.

 

Fail to Plan? Plan to Fail

Make sure you and your friend(s) are on the same wavelength about your destination and at least agree on a rough itinerary before you leave home. There's nothing worse than arriving at your destination and finding out on the first morning that you have vastly different expectations.

 

Personality Detours

Allow for flexibility when it comes to travel. No two people behave or think exactly the same way. It's okay to have different habits, lifestyles and ideas about travel as long as friends are flexible, respectful, and willing to compromise when you are together.

 

Do you have any questions/suggestions about traveling with friends or experiences to share?

 

To encourage friends to connect this summer, Hampton is currently hosting an online "Chain of Friends" sweepstakes. You could win the Grand Prize of a entire hotel (2 days for 100 friends). Imagine that. Click here if you're interested in finding out more about it. 

QUESTION

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and had honestly neglected my friends during our relationship. What would be the best way to get into their good graces again?

 

ANSWER

There's no sense pretending: If you know, they know too. Admit you were dumb to get caught up with a jerk and go AWOL. Tell them you probably deserve the "Bad Friend Award" but it made you realize you need and cherish your connections with your gal pals - whether you're involved with a guy or not.

 

Make plans to do some fun things with your friends and show interest in their lives. Guard against spending your time ruminating about your lost love. They'll remember how much fun they used to have with you, and you and they will get over what's his name again in no time :)

 

Remember, if they're good friends, they'll forgive you and feel badly (for you) that your relationship ended. Unfortunately, it's common for women to neglect their sisters for their misters and then only to realize the loss when the relationship ends.

 

***This Q & A also appeared on Her Campus, an online magazine for college women that individualizes its content college-by-college Written entirely by the nation's top college journalists, Her Campus serves as a hub for everything college women need to know today.

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I've been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship. When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn't reciprocate.

 

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn't scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

 

In both cases, I've come to recognize that we've changed as people, and don't share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life. If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past - so I don't want to drop them altogether.

 

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed? I've known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn't it healthy to talk things out?

 

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I'm still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

 

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We're both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn't age 21) so we're taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it's the first time she'll "cut loose" in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I'm feeling anxious that we're not as compatible now as we once were. I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

 

In both cases, it's a question of how to acknowledge change. The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

 

ANSWER:

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it's tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

 

While you hope you'll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar. Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

 

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you "confronted" her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don't like the term "confront" because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

 

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it's fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

 

In the case of Friend # 2, she's realized it's logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she's immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends' getaway to celebrate your friendship.

 

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you're both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

 

Yes, it's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship---or to even understand the transitions in the middle. It's easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no "right" way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit--- "right" depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

 

It's hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn't ask---but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Here are a few prior posts on The Friendship Blog on the topic of moves and their impact on friendships:

The sadness of moving and leaving a BFF behind

Hard to say goodbye: Ending a 20-year friendship

A friend's unexpected move

 

What strategies have you used to stay close with friends who iive far away?

 

If you've wondered about this question, read Female Bullying, an article by Rachel Giese in the September 2010 issue of Flare Magazine. The piece covers the perennial, but disturbing, topic of adult women who have honed the art of what therapists have termed relational aggression. These mean girls may not fight with their fists but they can inflict terrible emotional pain on their targets.

 

Some of us have experienced firsthand the devastating hurt of being excluded from the lunch table at middle school. Others admit with some embarrassment that they've been at the other end of the stick---as one of the "cool kids" in middle or high school who has excluded some other poor soul because she looks, acts, or speaks differently. The scars of being bullied as a kid can be long-lasting and slow to heal.

 

Unfortunately, some mean girls never grow up, continuing similar behaviors as adults. So the insidious practice of woman-on-woman bullying---often used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues---is common in the workplace. Similarly, stay-at-home moms are still victimized by frenemies and neighbors. They and their kids become the subject of gossip, and are systematically excluded from play dates, playgroups and birthday parties. This is a particularly pernicious form of bullying because it attacks not only a grown woman but also her child.

 

Rachel's article (for which she interviewed me and others) tries to explain the dynamics behind female bullying. You can read a long excerpt online. If you're interested in reading more about this topic, you may be interested in these previous posts on The Friendship Blog:

 

Middle School Frenemies: Why are girls so mean?

Reader Q & A: Mean girls

Reader Q & A: Escaping from a toxic triangle

Reader Q & A: Contending with the Food Police

 

Have you had any experiences with adult bullies? How did you handle them? 

 

Here are some simple tips to nip a new friendship in the bud or to sabotage an existing one:

 

1) Do it her way

Abrogate all responsibility for the friendship to your friend. Let her do all the planning---including where, when and what. When you do get together, don't initiate any conversation, or show interest or enthusiasm. Respond minimally, using as few words as possible, and only in response to direct questions.

2) Be humorless

Treat everything seriously. Contain any outward appearances of laughter or smiles when your friend says something funny.

3) Act entirely predictably

Never try anything new. Demand that you always do exactly the same things, in exactly the same ways, in exactly the same places. Never mix it up or expand your twosome. Why? You always did it that way.

4) Play the same tapes over and over

Repeat stories you've told before in exquisite detail. Avoid eye contact to be sure you aren't reminded that you did or interrupted. If yawning sets in, ignore it. If she tries to speak or ask a question, interrupt her.

5) Stay focused---on you

Talk only about yourself, what you have, and what you've done. Ask no questions and show no interest in your friend or in the larger world around you. Avoid real interaction by telling long-winded stories.

6) Skim the surface

Be sure all conversation remains impersonal and unimportant. Don't express feelings or discuss anything remotely meaningful. Focus only on the past; never the present.

7) Overstay your welcome

Ignore any signs of boredom. If you're at her house, stay as late as you can. If you're in a public place, stay until the owner or manager looks at you funny or seems headed to the door with a big ring of keys.

Any other ways you can positively ID a boring friend?

 

 

If you're frustrated because your friend is the one who is boring, take a look at two related posts on The Friendship Blog:

5 Tips for Handling a Friend Who Talks Incessantly

A Friendship Stuck in Dullsville

 

I recently answered this question on HerCampus. This problem is a common one, unfortunately.

 

QUESTION

I can never get a word in edgewise with my friend. I like her but she is super narcissistic. What are the best ways to deal with a friend who wants to always talk about herself?

 

ANSWER

If you can't find a subtle way to change the topic when she's speaking, directly ask her to slow down or stop for a minute. You'll probably startle her because she's so used to talking uninterrupted. Tell her how frustrated you feel about not being able to say something. Whatever you do, don't call her narcissistic; that will only make her defensive.

 

Instead, focus on talking about your own feelings and see if she responds appropriately. If your get-togethers continue to make you feel like you're having conversations with a re-run of a bad TV show, you either have to accept her as she is---or downgrade your relationship. She may be more tolerable in small doses. With the time you recoup, you can nurture other friendships with people with whom you can have more meaningful and balanced conversations.

 

___________________________________

 

If you have this type of problem, take a look at some earlier posts on The Friendship Blog that focus on similar topics:

 

It's hard to say goodbye to a BFF, even if she's a narcissist

Self-centered friends with hefty needs

Five tips for handling a friend who talks incessantly

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

After years of friendship, my relationship with a colleague was damaged while both of us were enduring major losses in our lives. I think I managed to keep my issues out of the workplace, but hers caused her to be very angry. Unfortunately, most of her anger was directed at me. I suppose she decided I was the weakest link at the time.

 

She was nasty to everyone around her but even they would admit that her new hobby was attacking me. It was so stressful that my heart beat faster when I saw her name in my inbox; there was a good chance the message would be some kind of attack or insult. I eventually removed myself from the toxic situation several years ago and gained some distance between us. Since that time, I speak when spoken to, basically, but never reach out or contact her. She is no longer my colleague and I do not HAVE to stay connected although we do have mutual friends.

 

She recently sent me a friend request on Facebook and I accepted it, thinking that if I didn't, she would interpret that as a rejection and start attacking again. In hindsight, I wish I had ignored it because she then sent me a very nasty Facebook message. It was inappropriate and unprovoked, but it showed who she is at her core -- somebody who isn't a nice person.

 

I think I have four options: Respond (which isn't really a choice as far as I'm concerned); Do nothing; Hide my wall and its comments from her (so that my name doesn't show up on her news feed and remind her that she hasn't attacked me lately) or Unfriend her. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Ms. No Name

ANSWER

Dear Ms. No Name,

Facebook has added a new layer of complexity to the world of friendship---both in terms of whom we friend and defriend, and in terms of how we hande online frenemies. You aren't the only one grappling with these problems. (BTW - Complicated Facebook privacy settings don't make it any easier!)

 

In this case, your once-real friend is still a hostile person. This time it seeped out in the form of a nasty Facebook message. You have learned a hard lesson: Time may pass but character endures. So what do you do now? You have no obligation or reason to respond to a vicious email so I'm glad you eliminated that option.

 

You shouldn't have to worry about a frenemy lurking each time you post so I would hide your wall and comments from her. The only reason to keep her as a Facebook "friend" would be to keep an eye on her and on your reputation.

 

Yuk! So sorry this happened to you.

Best,
Irene

 

This is a "lifeline" question: Anyone else have a similar problem---how did you resolve it?