Friends

By Jen Singer

I remember sitting on chairs in my driveway that frightening Tuesday afternoon, watching our kids play while my friend Lynn and I listened to the radio for the latest news on the World Trade Center terrorist attacks. Lynn was waiting to hear what had happened to her cousin, a Staten Island firefighter who was among the first to respond to the scene that morning. I was wondering what to tell my children. The world, it seemed, was falling apart.

 

Lynn and I didn't know what else to do. We couldn't - wouldn't - watch the news. Not in front of our kids, who were all preschoolers at the time. So we did what we often did on warm, sunny afternoons: We had a playdate.

 

Our sons - between us, four of them- oblivious to what was happening just 30 miles from my house, tooled around the driveway on tricycles and ride-on toys, stopping now and then for snacks and bathroom breaks. Lynn and I opened juice boxes, adjusted bike helmets and kissed boo-boos, occasionally turning up the radio for a news update. We noticed that there were no airplanes in the sky.

 

Later, we found out that her cousin had died, one of some 350 firefighters to lose their lives in the Twin Towers attacks. And then we heard that one of our neighbors, too, had died, leaving behind a wife and three children. A few mornings after 9-11, Lynn and I huddled together at church at a mass honoring the victims, while our youngest sons sat in our laps, unusually still. We were both crying.

 

Since then, Lynn has had two more kids, and our boys have found different interests and different friends. I see her car pass by my house on her way to hockey practice, and she sees me when I'm coming home from soccer games. Now and then, we find ourselves at a barbeque or Back-to-School night, where we take a moment to catch up on things. Mostly though, we just wave as we pass by.

 

We used to talk to each other every day, mainly to set up carpools and arrange playdates, but also to talk about our fears, our families and our futures. But we simply don't talk all that much anymore. We live right down the street from each other, but our lives have moved farther apart.

 

And while that could, perhaps should make me feel wistful for the way our friendship used to be, it doesn't. We were close when we needed it most, when our lives ran parallel, when we needed someone to pick up the kids after a birthday party or preschool.

We're still close when we need it, like when her father passed away suddenly and when I had cancer. Lynn arrived one day the summer I was in chemotherapy with a tray full of delicious food and yellow flowers in a little vase. And for a moment, it was 9-11 again; we were there for each other.

 

Perhaps not all friendships are meant to endure at the same intensity, or at all. Kids seem to know this. My sons' friends often come and go, and yet none of them seem to care about it. "He's not really my friend anymore," my son told me last week when I suggested a playdate. And he was right. What's more, he was okay with it.

 

I prefer to think of my relationship with Lynn not as a friendship lost, but as a fond reminder of our days as young mothers. When I wave to Lynn, I'm indeed waving to a friend, but I'm also saying hello to how we used to be, to how we were there for each other when the world was falling apart.

 

 

Jen Singer is the editor-in-chief of MommaSaid.net and the author of the Stop Second-Guessing Yourself guides to parenting. Thanks, Jen, for sharing your warm and wise post---it felt as cuddly as a visit from a friend!

By Cara Sprunk

 

Having a new roommate is tough. Especially if you are "assigned" to each other and you don't have full control over the person whose bed will be right next to yours for a full year. Trust me, I've been there. I had the worst roommate of anyone I've ever spoken to. Lucky me.

My freshman year roommate and I failed to get to know each other or become friends - we were strictly two strangers who happened to share a room the size of a prison cell. We tried to make rules - our one attempt at creating a livable environment. We agreed on simple things like always locking the door (so don't forget your key!). I was paranoid about my laptop or jewelry being stolen and most of the people in our hall didn't lock their door so I was glad we agreed on that.

We also mutually decided to use headphones when listening to music, as we clearly didn't agree on music tastes or studying schedules. But we failed to make rules about guests in our room, cleanliness policies, smoking policies, and a whole host of other things. Because we had a bad relationship, I couldn't trust her and would occasionally feel like I had to hide my things. Having a roommate you can't trust is awful.

When I came across my sophomore year roommate, I vowed to make that year far more successful in terms of my living situation. Before we moved in, my roommate Jen and I both agreed that we needed some alone time, so it would be beneficial to our relationships if we sometimes just left each other alone. For example, I would come home from class and want to lie on my bed watching TV or talking on the phone. If Jen saw me she might choose to hang out in someone else's room for a little bit, and vice versa. We also established boundaries about guests. If I had a friend over who I knew Jen didn't completely love, I would hang out with her in a common space so as not to bother Jen.

Understanding and managing the distinction between roommate and friend was difficult. I loved Jen; she was a great friend. But sometimes she would do little things that would drive me crazy, and I know she'd say the same. I had to put my feelings for Jen my roommate aside, so they didn't seep out when we were in social situations. It would be a complete waste of time and energy to be mad at her for waking me up late the night before while we were having lunch with all our friends on campus. It made more sense to deal with it when we were in the room saying, ‘Hey, can you try to be more quiet when you come in?' This problem was ongoing and resulted in me having to use a Facemask to block the light when I needed to sleep.

I thought I knew Jen before we moved in, but when you live with someone you get to know them better than you'd want to. You know how clean they are, how often they shower---every little thing you didn't need to know. Again, you can't penalize your roommate for being kind of messy in situations outside of your room if you intend to continue a friendship with them. If Jen yelled at me for keeping an open drink on the table while we were out at a party it would have been super detrimental to our friendship. We discussed issues like that when we were in the room or just alone.

My best advice for living with a roommate can be summed up in this, communicate: Communicate rules, boundaries, and expectations. Then, if you want to have a relationship with the person beyond just roommates, keep roommate issues in the room!

*Cara Sprunk is a recent Cornell graduate with a Bachelor's degree in American Studies with a concentration in American culture. She is the managing editor of Her Campus, an online magazine for college women and the former assistant editor of Red Letter Daze, the weekend magazine supplement to the Cornell Daily Sun. She is former senior writer for Red Letter Daze and both the news and arts & entertainment sections of the Cornell Daily Sun. Cara has interned at Life & Style Weekly, OK! Magazine, and Star Magazine.

If you're heading back to college, you may want to take a look at some of these prior posts on The Friendship Blog.

GW Student Newspaper interviews The Friendship Doctor on College Friendships

College Friendships: A case of easy come, easy go?

Guest Post: Making friends at college

 

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A recent Harris Interactive Poll commissioned by Hampton Hotels found that 43% of adults travel with a friend at least once a year and at least 74% prefer to take a road trip when they do. The survey also found that the most discussed aspect of a trip is deciding where to go (34%), followed by what to do (27%), and finally agreeing on the budget (14%).

For me, one of the best parts of traveling is sharing the experience with others: both the people traveling with me, and those I befriend along the way. So I was delighted that Hampton (part of Hilton worldwide) recently tapped me as a spokesperson to provide advice to them and their guests on traveling with friends. Here are some of the tips to strengthen the bonds of friendship and avoid unnecessary hassles; they may be timely during these last weeks of summer.

 

Don't Snooze When You Choose

Select your travel companions wisely and make sure they're people whose company you enjoy and with whom you feel comfortable and relaxed. Any vacation with friends offers the potential to bring you closer and to create shared memories that can last a lifetime.

 

First Class or Coach?

Talk costs upfront; some friends are more frugal than others. You may all covet lavish vacations but you're also realistically constrained by budgets. Let's be honest, it's a bit uncomfortable to talk about money. Being clear about any budget limitations will make the trip less stressful each time you have to reach for your wallet.

 

Pick a City, Any City

Where you travel depends on the friends, their tastes, their pocketbooks and the season. Decide if you want to expose yourself to new cultures with different foods and customs or just sit back, relax and enjoy your vacation.

 

Fail to Plan? Plan to Fail

Make sure you and your friend(s) are on the same wavelength about your destination and at least agree on a rough itinerary before you leave home. There's nothing worse than arriving at your destination and finding out on the first morning that you have vastly different expectations.

 

Personality Detours

Allow for flexibility when it comes to travel. No two people behave or think exactly the same way. It's okay to have different habits, lifestyles and ideas about travel as long as friends are flexible, respectful, and willing to compromise when you are together.

 

Do you have any questions/suggestions about traveling with friends or experiences to share?

 

To encourage friends to connect this summer, Hampton is currently hosting an online "Chain of Friends" sweepstakes. You could win the Grand Prize of a entire hotel (2 days for 100 friends). Imagine that. Click here if you're interested in finding out more about it. 

QUESTION

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and had honestly neglected my friends during our relationship. What would be the best way to get into their good graces again?

 

ANSWER

There's no sense pretending: If you know, they know too. Admit you were dumb to get caught up with a jerk and go AWOL. Tell them you probably deserve the "Bad Friend Award" but it made you realize you need and cherish your connections with your gal pals - whether you're involved with a guy or not.

 

Make plans to do some fun things with your friends and show interest in their lives. Guard against spending your time ruminating about your lost love. They'll remember how much fun they used to have with you, and you and they will get over what's his name again in no time :)

 

Remember, if they're good friends, they'll forgive you and feel badly (for you) that your relationship ended. Unfortunately, it's common for women to neglect their sisters for their misters and then only to realize the loss when the relationship ends.

 

***This Q & A also appeared on Her Campus, an online magazine for college women that individualizes its content college-by-college Written entirely by the nation's top college journalists, Her Campus serves as a hub for everything college women need to know today.

 

 

 

Allison Winn Scotch's novel, The One That I Want (2010), is an engaging summer beach read that makes you think about the friendships you have and those that have drifted apart.

 

The main character, Tilly Farmer, is a 30-something high school guidance counselor who marries her high-school sweetheart, and still lives and works in the same small town where she grew up. As the story unfolds, we learn how Tillie's past has affected her current relationships. With the help of an old friend and a dash of clairvoyance, Tilly begins to re-examine the choices she's made.

 

I asked Allison, my friend and colleague, about her latest book, her characters and her own friendships. Also check out my previous interview with Allison soon after the release of her last NYT bestseller, Time of My Life.

 

Irene:

Two of the characters that figure prominently in The One That I Want are Tilly Farmer's friends, Susannah and Ashley. Both friends support Tilly during some tough moments in her life. What role have your own friendships played in developing these characters?

 

Allison:

Well, Susannah is a compilation of a few of my closest friends - not in terms of personality or what she goes through, but the understanding of that unconditional support that they offer. That, in your lowest of moments, that she'll show up with a bottle of wine or answer that phone call in the middle of the night or get you out of the house if that's what's called for. I'm someone who can probably count her really true honest-to-god best friends on one hand, but those women are like sisters to me, and so that's more than enough. And that's what Susannah is for Tilly.

As far as Ashley, she was a reflection of some of the friends I've outgrown (or who outgrew me). I think we all have those friends too: girls you were blood sisters with until, say, you hit puberty or went to college or even grew out of in your twenties, and you still look back on them fondly, but now maybe don't have so much in common with anymore.

In Ashley and Tilly's case, they find a way to forge new bonds, but their relationship isn't based strictly on the past, and I think this is important if you're going to renew a friendship like this. It's all well and good to sit around and laugh over high school, but an honest friendship needs more than that. Eventually, Ashley and Tilly discover their new common ground.

 

Irene:

At the start of the story, Ashley feels more like a frenemy than a friend. What happens to Tilly's friendship with Ashley over time?

 

Allison:

A few things. For one, Ashley is the person who literally sparks Tilly's "clarity," which Tilly initially resents and blames Ashley for. But because of this, they start interacting more, and when Tilly really starts to unravel, she realizes she needs someone in her corner, and surprisingly, she wants that person to be Ashley, who is having plenty of problems of her own. And in watching her cope with these problems, Tilly discovers she has a begrudging admiration for Ashley's tenacity. Sometimes - and I've experienced this in my own life - the people you expect to have your back aren't there for you in the way you anticipate, while other people step up and offer support in ways you wouldn't have imagined. That's what happens exactly with Tilly and Ashley - the support and growth and learning goes both ways.

 

Irene:

Because Tilly has remained in the town where she grew up, her friendships have remained fairly constant. Do you think that is a good or bad thing?

 

Allison:

For me, I'm not sure that it would be a good thing, but I know that there are plenty of people for whom it is. What's interesting for me, in terms of assessing my friends and friendship groups, is that many of my truly dear friends are women I've met it my adult life, women who share commonalities with my life now and that's why we've become close. I also have a very tight core group of friends from college, and those women are invaluable to me too - that shared history is important but, at least with the ones I've stayed close with, we also still grown up together and share some similarities in our adult life.

So again, this is just for me, but my friendships are almost similar to romantic relationships in the sense of it's important to me that they not just be about nostalgia but are current and in-the-moment and pertinent to what's happening now, around us, in our thirties. Which isn't to take anything away from childhood friendships or staying close to the friends you grew up with. AT ALL. I think that's admirable too - and it's really what works for each individual. Only that now, at 37, what works for me is that many of my dearest friends are women I've known since my mid-twenties, not necessarily earlier.

 

Irene:

You use the term "friendship fidelity" in the book? What does that mean to you?

 

Allison:

For me, this gets back to your first question: that underlying understanding that through thick and thin, Susanna would be there for Tilly. And I feel the same way about some of my own friends - there is very little I wouldn't do for them. At the same time, many of my friendships have their own rhythms and tides: sometimes, I may literally go two months without connecting with my best friend, but there is no doubt that when either one of us picked up the phone and truly needed the other, that we'd be there.

I feel like the strongest friendships - at least in my life - are those that don't need daily reassurance. It's enough for me (and my friends) to know that somewhere out there, someone has my back, and that when that times comes - whether I just want to crack up for 20 minutes on the phone or am really embroiled in a true crisis - that woman will be there for me, hands down. I'm pretty grateful to know that I have the security of this and to have these women in my life.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

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I watched My Best Friend (2006) this evening on Netflix (don't know how I missed the original run) and fell in love with the movie. It's a simple story of a wealthy antique dealer who focuses on things rather than relationships. He worries about his own mortality; specifically, who will attend his funeral when he passes away and begins an alternately warm and comedic pursuit to find a best friend.

 

Along the way, Francois (Daniel Auteuil) hooks up with a  taxi driver named Bruno (Dany Boon), an unusual mentor who teaches him the lessons of making friends and being a friend: being social, smiling and sincere. 

 

My favorite lines:

Bruno: Isn't there anybody you can call at 3 a.m. in case you have a big problem?

François: I don't have any big problem.

Bruno: Yes, you have one, you can't call anybody at 3AM!

 

You can read a synopsis of the film here. Watching it made my think about whom I could call at 3AM. Highly recommended!

 

 

Dear Lindsay,

 

Anyone who isn't living under a rock has already heard you were sentenced to 90 days in the LA County Jail for violating your DUI probation. You must be frightened beyond belief. Serving time will be rough on you and on those who love you. But this can be a turning point in your life. Addiction to alcohol and drugs is a pernicious disease, and your recovery is dependent not only on you---but also on making some difficult choices about the company you keep.

 

You are fortunate to have a new advocate and celebrity lawyer, Robert Shapiro of O.J. Simpson's "dream team," who knows quite a bit about addiction; he lost his own son because of it. Until your "surrender" on Tuesday, you are staying at Pickford Lofts, an upscale treatment and sober living residence in LA started by Mr. Shapiro in memory of his son. From its website, it looks like an appropriate place to think about the future. It also offers many of the amenities you are used to---including high-speed wireless Internet access---so I hope you get to read this note.

 

When it comes to friends, how can you separate the bad from the good? Here's my advice:

1) Be wary of enablers

You don't need friends (or employees, employers, or PR flaks) who profess they love you but support your addictions by making excuses, covering up, giving you too many chances, failing to make you responsible for your own actions, and allowing you to manipulate them and others on your behalf. Whether well intentioned or not, these types of friends hinder rather than help recovery.

2) Stay away from triggers

There are people, things, and places that will re-arouse the sensation-seeking part of your brain that craves illicit substances. Stay clear of temptation and stay away from friends who are known users and from places where you've used drugs before (clubs, parties, homes). You need to change the patterns of your previous behaviors and focus on doing healthy activities with healthy people. If a friend invites you to join her at a gym, enjoy a day at the beach, or catch a movie, just do it. Try to break out of your old habits and make new ones.

3) Hang with friends who understand addictions

If friends are blaming and accusatory towards you or try to talk you out of changing, it's clear that they don't understand that addiction is a disease; they are frenemies--- not friends. Your friends should be able to separate you the person, from addiction the disease, and give you another chance to change.

4) Choose friends who will be there for you

Some friends by virtue of their own lifestyle will be too busy to help you. You need some friends who can and want to be accessible: Friends who will answer your phone calls, respond to your texts, reply to your tweets, and invite you out. The months ahead are going to be tough ones and healthy friendships can provide you with support and reassurance. You might suggest that your close friends join Al-Anon or Nar-Anon so they are better equipped to understand.

5) Find friends who can be role models

Friends who have battled addictions in the past and have successfully recovered will understand your past, respect your decision to change, and help you chart a new future. Seek out these individuals and also take advantage of mutual support groups online or in your neighborhood.

 

I emailed my colleague Judy Kirkwood, a writer and member of the Parent Advisory Board of Partnership For a Drug-Free America for her advice. She said: "In order for Lindsay to put her sobriety, recovery, and survival, first, Lindsay will need to move in a completely different circle of people and choose activities that are healthy and safe. That eliminates clubbing, and contact with old friends who are using and anyone with whom she has used. She not only has to abstain from substance abuse, she has to abstain from the triggers that trip her cravings. The people Lindsay meets in recovery will become her new friends."

 

After an appropriate stint in treatment -- at least 90 days, preferably 6 months---there are many in the Hollywood community who could support you (Drew Barrymore comes to mind). Jane Fonda spoke out in 2006 when you both were making the movie Georgia Rule, when you were chastised by the producers for your behind-the-scenes unprofessional behavior (late night partying that caused filming delays). "I just want to take her in my arms and hold her until she becomes grown-up," Fonda said at the time. "She's so young and she's so alone out there in the world in terms of structure and, you know, people to nurture her. And she's so talented."

 

It's unclear whether addictions are more rampant in the entertainment community or just more newsworthy. But whether you're famous or not, recovery is never a quick fix. Give yourself the gift of time to recover before you plunge back into a heavy production schedule. There is a whole new world waiting for you if and when you sober up. To get there, you have to leave the world you are in.

I wish you only the best and hope you take advantage of this new beginning!

Best,
Irene

 

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So often friends don't know exactly what to say, especially when it feels like a friendship is hanging on by a thread. Personal Notes: How to Write From the Heart for Any Occasion by author and etiquette expert Sandra E. Lamb, provides helpful advice for writing notes for social situations where the rules of etiquette aren't quite clear. Admittedly, messages intended to apologize or to forgive are among the hardest to write.

 

"Most women I know can nurse a grudge until it grows a beard," says Lamb. "Even when it fractures a friendship, we often still cling to a grievance. It's a talent we have."

 

"Why do we embrace our anger when we feel wronged? Maybe because--for a brief season--it makes us feel warmly righteous. But my experience is that the feeling quickly turns cold, leaving me feeling isolated," she adds.

 

Friendships are precious, and worth a bit of restoration work when they suffer a bump of disagreement or offense. Take a peek at the delightful little video that Sandy put together; it may provide some help or inspiration. In her book, Personal Notes, she outlines some of the steps to apologizing and forgiving.

On a beautiful Sunday autumn afternoon more than a year ago, my husband and I attended a Harvest Festival at a local winery not too far from where we live. We didn't know anyone else there and wound up sitting next to a lovely couple, who seemed to be enjoying the day as much as we were.

 

Over a couple of glasses of wine, the woman and I connected and we subsequently began following each other's blogs. Hers is called Killin' time being lazy ---but my winery friend is far from lazy! Rather, she is quite contemplative and thoughtful.

 

Although I only have scant memories of the delicious wine we tasted that day, I still feel a connection with Lazygal even though I don't know her well. She's a librarian and an avid reader. I loved her latest post because it illustrates how old friends serve as mirrors, helping us see ourselves in new ways. I asked Lazygal whether she might share her musings with my blog readers. So here you go....

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

This past weekend I spent all too short an amount of time with people I've known and come to love over the past 30 years: my prep school classmates. Back then, we were 105 disparate girls - some I liked, some not so much, some puzzled me, and some became close friends. In the intervening years we've become a real family. Like any family, we have our moments (come to think of it, back then we had our moments, too; the four-day battle over Spring Senior Dinner dessert comes to mind). But like any family, I know they're there for me.

 

One of them now works at the school. In an almost accidental fashion, at our 25th she started a conversation that was so intense, so powerful that many of us wished it could have gone on longer, and absolutely knew that we wanted to revisit at our 30th. This time it was no accident, but once again it was too short. The depth of sharing was incredible - each time, you could see that moment when the speaker decided that yes, in this group, with these people, it was ok to say these things. Some had such powerful stories it brought tears to our eyes, some talked about day-to-day frustrations with choices (or lack of choices); no matter what the tale, the sense that in that circle we were safe and with family helped us talk about things we may never have shared with anyone before. Friends, family, marriage, careers, and health... all those themes ran through each of our "updates".

 

At far too late an hour I retreated to my very small dorm room (seriously? did I ever live in such a tiny space?), my mind racing ahead five years to our 35th. What could I say to these women, these sisters, then? Not in one of those competitive ways - my path is one that none of the others have taken, although we've all, in one way or another, reached similar milestones. I wouldn't want to live their lives and they wouldn't want to live mine! But I think each of us laid out challenges for ourselves: a better, stronger, or new marriage/relationship... finding a way through those difficult parent/teenage child years... exploring what's next career-wise... coping with parental health (as one said "I'm the ham in the sandwich")... dealing with our own health issues.

 

In five years, I want to be able to report better health. To be doing work I'm proud of, in a place I feel valued. To finally get over my speech impediment and say "no" in ways that are heard. To spend more time doing things I truly enjoy with people I truly love, and forging deeper connections to those that are important to me.

 

Does that sound Stalinesque, having a five-year plan? I know it'll be no Sherman's march on Atlanta - it'll be a drunkard's stumble home. Stay tuned.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I met my former BFF on the first day of college almost nine years ago. A year later, I went to a party she was throwing and met my now fiancé, who is great friends
with her brothers. She was always a high maintenance friend; she was more concerned with having tons of friends and living the wild college life, rather than issues I was struggling with at 19 (becoming financially independent from my parents, paying for school on my own, and keeping a roof over my head). I stopped talking to her after a year out of frustration with the way she degraded my struggle to pay to fix my broken down car and suggested I just ask my parents for the money.

 

Three months later, my boyfriend and I moved 800 miles away. When she and her brother came to visit us, I was forced to spend time with her. It was on this visit that we rekindled our friendship and soon declared ourselves BFF's. We took several summer trips, visited each other regularly, emailed daily, discussed and analyzed every possible reason for her not finding success in dating: what was wrong with her, what was wrong with the guys she dated, why she couldn't find love, how she wanted to get married and have babies.

 

I started to see what mutual friends had told me---that everything was always about her. Then she lost her job. At the same time, I had some really scary health issues. Instead of listening and giving me moral support, she told me there was nothing I could do and we needed to stop talking about it. I was scared, in pain and crushed at her response. I stopped participating in daily IM sessions, replied to emails curtly and focused on the issues I was dealing with, without the support of my BFF.

 

A few months later, I told her I was upset she wasn't interested in the important issues things I was dealing with and how her comments felt sarcastic, insincere and condescending. She brushed me off so she could continue talking about her own problems: her misery in her job, dealing with a new boyfriend, moving in together, "Oh no! He hasn't called he must be cheating." Her immaturity, selfishness and narcissism began to grate on my nerves. I tried to be a patient, kind and supportive friend, but it just wasn't fun anymore.

 

The last straw was when two friends got engaged and she told me that she just couldn't be happy for one of them. She went on and on about how SHE wanted to be
engaged and why wasn't her boyfriend ready after 9 months. When we discussed my impending engagement plans, the conversation always circled back to her wedding plans. When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't want to tell her because I knew she would downplay the intimate, perfect way that my boyfriend asked me to be his wife. I didn't want to be brushed off.

 

I stopped IM'ing and made excuses about being busy. I acknowledged all of her contact but kept things simple and short. Then I formally announced my engagement and sent her an email with the good news. She replied angrily about how I could do such a thing over email. I told her that she had hurt my feelings when she flipped the conversation about my engagement to her wedding plans, and that wasn't what I expected from my BFF. She demanded specific examples of what she did wrong, that my generalizations weren't enough. I didn't reply, I've been enjoying my engagement and planning my wedding. For the first time in years, I feel free. I feel energized. I don't come home from work after long IM sessions with her feeling that the life is sucked out of me.

 

Last week, she and her boyfriend both sent me emails asking that we work things out, telling me that she is devastated and will do anything to make things right. There isn't anything to work out. I don't want to be friends anymore. She isn't the type of friend I want in my life. I want to surround myself with friends that are energizing, friendships that both give and take, and women who are fun to be around. I replied that I couldn't be the friend that I wanted to be at this time in my life. My question is how I can end this cycle of emails from her. I don't want to deliberately hurt her, but she isn't listening to what I'm saying and ignoring her isn't giving me the result I want. I would really appreciate your help!

Kind regards,
Jane

 

ANSWER

Dear Jane,

When two people share so much history together, it's always hard to end a friendship, even one that is hanging by a thread. In this case, an added complication is that you met your fiancé through your friend, and have a relationship with her brothers. I understand, too, why you wouldn't want to hurt someone who once was your friend.

 

When you were in college, you may have been looking for different things in your friendships. Now you are quite clear that she isn't the type of friend you want: She is extremely self-centered and narcissistic and you aren't able to either share your problems or your happiness with her.

 

While the rules of friendship sometimes feel murky, it is totally reasonable to surround yourself with the kinds of friends you want. It was a great idea to tell her that "you" can't be the kind of friend you want to be at this time. There is no use in blaming her or providing more examples and details of what's; whatever more you could say isn't going to change her or your feelings towards her.

 

Be sure to give your fiancé a heads up about your plans (because he is involved through his relationship to her brothers) and end the cycle of emails by making the firm decision not to respond to them any more. Then let your friend know that you will not be responding to future emails.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Irene

 

Have a friendship problem or dilemma? Send it to The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com