friend

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I've been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship. When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn't reciprocate.

 

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn't scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

 

In both cases, I've come to recognize that we've changed as people, and don't share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life. If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past - so I don't want to drop them altogether.

 

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed? I've known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn't it healthy to talk things out?

 

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I'm still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

 

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We're both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn't age 21) so we're taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it's the first time she'll "cut loose" in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I'm feeling anxious that we're not as compatible now as we once were. I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

 

In both cases, it's a question of how to acknowledge change. The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

 

ANSWER:

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it's tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

 

While you hope you'll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar. Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

 

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you "confronted" her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don't like the term "confront" because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

 

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it's fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

 

In the case of Friend # 2, she's realized it's logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she's immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends' getaway to celebrate your friendship.

 

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you're both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

 

Yes, it's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship---or to even understand the transitions in the middle. It's easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no "right" way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit--- "right" depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

 

It's hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn't ask---but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Here are a few prior posts on The Friendship Blog on the topic of moves and their impact on friendships:

The sadness of moving and leaving a BFF behind

Hard to say goodbye: Ending a 20-year friendship

A friend's unexpected move

 

What strategies have you used to stay close with friends who iive far away?

 

Here are some simple tips to nip a new friendship in the bud or to sabotage an existing one:

 

1) Do it her way

Abrogate all responsibility for the friendship to your friend. Let her do all the planning---including where, when and what. When you do get together, don't initiate any conversation, or show interest or enthusiasm. Respond minimally, using as few words as possible, and only in response to direct questions.

2) Be humorless

Treat everything seriously. Contain any outward appearances of laughter or smiles when your friend says something funny.

3) Act entirely predictably

Never try anything new. Demand that you always do exactly the same things, in exactly the same ways, in exactly the same places. Never mix it up or expand your twosome. Why? You always did it that way.

4) Play the same tapes over and over

Repeat stories you've told before in exquisite detail. Avoid eye contact to be sure you aren't reminded that you did or interrupted. If yawning sets in, ignore it. If she tries to speak or ask a question, interrupt her.

5) Stay focused---on you

Talk only about yourself, what you have, and what you've done. Ask no questions and show no interest in your friend or in the larger world around you. Avoid real interaction by telling long-winded stories.

6) Skim the surface

Be sure all conversation remains impersonal and unimportant. Don't express feelings or discuss anything remotely meaningful. Focus only on the past; never the present.

7) Overstay your welcome

Ignore any signs of boredom. If you're at her house, stay as late as you can. If you're in a public place, stay until the owner or manager looks at you funny or seems headed to the door with a big ring of keys.

Any other ways you can positively ID a boring friend?

 

 

If you're frustrated because your friend is the one who is boring, take a look at two related posts on The Friendship Blog:

5 Tips for Handling a Friend Who Talks Incessantly

A Friendship Stuck in Dullsville

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

After years of friendship, my relationship with a colleague was damaged while both of us were enduring major losses in our lives. I think I managed to keep my issues out of the workplace, but hers caused her to be very angry. Unfortunately, most of her anger was directed at me. I suppose she decided I was the weakest link at the time.

 

She was nasty to everyone around her but even they would admit that her new hobby was attacking me. It was so stressful that my heart beat faster when I saw her name in my inbox; there was a good chance the message would be some kind of attack or insult. I eventually removed myself from the toxic situation several years ago and gained some distance between us. Since that time, I speak when spoken to, basically, but never reach out or contact her. She is no longer my colleague and I do not HAVE to stay connected although we do have mutual friends.

 

She recently sent me a friend request on Facebook and I accepted it, thinking that if I didn't, she would interpret that as a rejection and start attacking again. In hindsight, I wish I had ignored it because she then sent me a very nasty Facebook message. It was inappropriate and unprovoked, but it showed who she is at her core -- somebody who isn't a nice person.

 

I think I have four options: Respond (which isn't really a choice as far as I'm concerned); Do nothing; Hide my wall and its comments from her (so that my name doesn't show up on her news feed and remind her that she hasn't attacked me lately) or Unfriend her. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Ms. No Name

ANSWER

Dear Ms. No Name,

Facebook has added a new layer of complexity to the world of friendship---both in terms of whom we friend and defriend, and in terms of how we hande online frenemies. You aren't the only one grappling with these problems. (BTW - Complicated Facebook privacy settings don't make it any easier!)

 

In this case, your once-real friend is still a hostile person. This time it seeped out in the form of a nasty Facebook message. You have learned a hard lesson: Time may pass but character endures. So what do you do now? You have no obligation or reason to respond to a vicious email so I'm glad you eliminated that option.

 

You shouldn't have to worry about a frenemy lurking each time you post so I would hide your wall and comments from her. The only reason to keep her as a Facebook "friend" would be to keep an eye on her and on your reputation.

 

Yuk! So sorry this happened to you.

Best,
Irene

 

This is a "lifeline" question: Anyone else have a similar problem---how did you resolve it?

Question:

How do you back away from an unhealthy friendship without hurting someone's feelings?

 

Answer:

Here are a few tips to help you handle a tricky, and often uncomfortable, situation in a way that minimizes hurt:

 

• Make sure you really want to back away. Nobody's perfect and friends, even very good ones, can say or do something wrong once in a while. If there has been a minor misunderstanding or disappointment, talk about it.

• Never make the decision to end a friendship in anger. Give yourself a cooling off period to reconsider and also to figure out the best way to do it.

• Consider whether you really need to end the friendship? Can you downgrade the relationship so you see each other less often or dilute it by seeing each other within the context of a group? Can you simply take a break (time off) to give each other a breather?

• If the relationship isn't very close to start with, you can merely drift apart. Make yourself less accessible. Tell a white lie and tell your friend how busy you are---e.g. studying, working, helping your parents, or seeing your significant other.

• If you decide to go ahead with the breakup, develop a script and practice it---you might even want to put your thoughts in writing so you are clear to yourself and in your delivery.

• Try to avoid blaming the other person. People change and their friendships change over time. Take responsibility for making the decision and handle the breakup with grace. After all, why would you want to hurt someone who once was your friend?

(By The Friendship Doctor; previously posted on HerCampus.com)

This morning a reporter from a German newspaper called to ask my thoughts about Rent-A-Friend.

 

The website explains the concept. Basically, you can enter your zip code and search for someone nearby to spend time with you, doing anything you want to do---except you know what. You can try it out and see the friends available in your area, you don't need to register. If you decide to make the plunge, rates start at a base of $10 per hour and are negotiable.

 

Their elevator speech (cut and pasted from the site):

Rent a friend to teach you a new skill or hobby, or to show you around an unfamiliar town.
RentAFriend.com is strictly a platonic Friendship website. RentAFriend.com is NOT a dating website, and NOT an Escort agency. Services on RentAFriend.com are strictly for FRIENDSHIP purposes only .

 

The reporter asked me whether it's really possible to rent a friend. Sure, our lives are complex and sometimes it's hard to find a friend whose schedule is in sync with yours. You may feel like taking a run or a jaunt to the mall and she's working under the pressure of a deadline-or she may want to get tickets for a concert next month and you can't plan in advance because you don't know where you'll be.

 

I've previously written about The Spontaneous Friend---the soulmate whom you can call at any time of day and ask almost anything---and described some of the qualities that characterize such a special friendship. They include:

 

INTIMACY
She feels as close to you emotionally as you do to her

ACCESSIBILITY
She is likely to be at a similar place in her life as you and share some of the same interests

FLEXIBILITY
She has a malleable schedule or one that seems to effortlessly mesh with yours.

 

Many of us simply don't have friends that meet these criteria: It's hard to find friends with whom we are intimate and who are accessible, flexible and available when we are.

 

The appeal of a rented friend is that you set the terms. She's there at your calling on your terms. But back to my question, is that paid companion really a "friend?" I don't think so. While we all crave the intimacy of warm spontaneous friendships, real ones can't be rented or bought. They're nurtured over time.

What do you think? Cast your ballot below and then click to view the results.

 

Have you ever sat down for lunch with a friend who talks non-stop---without giving you the slightest chance to get a word in edgewise? You begin to feel like you turned on a TV set, helplessly trying to interact with a very boring re-run.

 

Your friend tells you every trite detail of what has transpired since the last time you were together and then, without skipping a breath, reaches further back into the past and tells you stories you've already heard. Your friend's speech is pressured and feels unrelenting.

 

If you like the person well-enough to want to remain friends, here are five tips for making that lunch easier to digest:

1) Try interrupting periodically

Don't feel shy about changing the topic, or directly asking your friend to slow down or stop for a minute so you can have a turn to speak. Given the situation, it isn't rude or impolite. If you're lucky, you may startle the heck out of your friend, disrupt a pattern of one-way conversation, and seize an opportunity to speak and be heard.

2) Be cautious about inadvertently encouraging more of the same

When you're totally bored, don't feign interest by asking questions or giving the yakker other types of positive feedback, perhaps in the form of head nods or ah-ha's. If you look disinterested or glance at your watch, the talker may slow down.

3) Don't label or call the person names

Yes, your friend is probably self-centered, narcissistic and insecure---but if you mention this, the person will only become more defensive, and it may exacerbate the problem rather than solve it. Remember, you're at lunch, not at therapy or a coaching session and you have the right to expect reciprocity.

4) Identify "not being able to get a word in" as a problem for YOU

If you are truly a good friend, tell your friend bluntly---but kindly---that you are feeling frustrated when you get together. Tell your friend that you need and want more give and take in your conversations. If you're lucky and your friendship is solid, the person may have a glimmer of self-insight.

5) If you can't change your friend's behavior, you may have to change your relationship

 

If your friend continues to drone on each time you get together, which is the most likely outcome, you either have to accept the person as-is---or downgrade the relationship: The incessant talker may actually be more tolerable and entertaining in small doses; or else, the intensity of the person's chatter might be diluted proportionately if you get together within a group of common friends instead of in a twosome.

 

If you do decide to call it quits, you'll recoup time to nurture other friendships with people with whom you can have more meaningful and balanced conversations. One more tip, don't' worry. The friend who talks too much will probably find someone else to listen. When someone talks incessantly, there's always a new audience within easy reach---friends, family, or colleagues.

 

What successful strategies have you used to handle an incessant talker?

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

My best friend and I have been teachers at the same school for over twelve years. I am 37 and she is 58, which makes her older than my mother. Through many of her life's challenges, I was there for her. I brought food when she was hungry, accompanied her to see her daughter in jail (I had never been to jail to see anyone), spent many days away from my own family with her and her granddaughter in the hospital, helped her study for graduate school (she would not have graduated without my help), decorated her classroom and completed school paperwork and report cards each year that she was ill, and so many other major favors, none of which were ever reciprocated.

 

Despite the fact that the school is just two minutes away from her home and an hour away from mine, for years, I would stay late helping her get organized for the next day, while my mom picked up my two young children from school and kept them until I got there. The principals and many of our co-workers never liked her, and she was in no position to loose her job. Many of the times, I sacrificed precious time with my husband and children. When I didn't want to help, she would throw tantrums and it seemed that her world would come to an end.

 

There was always a crisis, and her family didn't care for her that much. When she was younger and married with kids, she always thought that her family was better than her sisters' families as well as her in-laws'. Her children had better toys, clothes, and cars than all of the other family members. Her kids couldn't associate with others whose parents were "renters" and not "original owners" in her subdivision. She talks about poor people and despises those who are from the "ghetto". Admiring her good qualities, I always overlooked her arrogance.

 

For the past year, I've seen a major change in my friend's behavior towards me. She started embarrassing me every chance she got at work in front of a crowd, including falsely accusing my husband of beating me in front of our boss, later saying that she was just kidding. Four months ago, I got a tummy tuck. Every time we were in the presence of others, she would say how bad I looked. Everyone else was pleased with the results. I thought my friend would celebrate my success, but it's been to the contrary.

 

Prior to the tummy tuck, I was in an accident and was bound to a wheelchair and crutches for months, which caused me to gain over 80 pounds, especially in the abdomen. For this reason, I decided to have the belly fat removed. She's told everyone at work that she knew that I couldn't afford the surgery, but she recently received a large cash settlement. I didn't expect her to give me a dime, but if she thought that I was in need of money, why wouldn't she help? I had paid her electric bill for several months when she was ill and on sick leave.

 

Speaking of sick leave, my friend has gone out on sick leave for four years consecutively, each for a different reason. Sometimes when the pressure was on her to do her work, she would simply go to the doctor and go on sick leave. To avoid her getting in trouble for neglecting job duties, I would simply help, but looking back, no favor has ever been returned.

 

Fast forward to today: I've grown up. The last straw was when she told a group of co-workers, including our boss, that she didn't know what "ghetto" was until she met me. You see, my parents were teenagers when I was born. My mom was a 16-year-old, tenth grade African-American girl and my dad was 18. My grandparents made her drop out of school and get a job, because they didn't believe in welfare. Despite the odds, my mom went back to school when I was in elementary school. She became a 911 dispatcher and my dad a high school principal. Not repeating the pattern, they made sure that I graduated from a top university and became a teacher.

 

I am very proud of my parents' accomplishments and have not frowned on my past. It's made me who I am today and allows me to touch so many lives. Unfortunately, each chance that my friend gets, she calls me "ghetto" and makes fun of the high school where I graduated from and people from my
side of town.

 

Last year, my friend was diagnosed with cancer, which was treated, but I found out that the cancer is no longer there. She never told me that the cancer was gone but continued using others and me by maintaining that the cancer is still there, in an attempt to gain sympathy and favor. Since I uncovered the truth, it only sealed my decision to maintain my distance. Today, I am still helping her adult children, but I don't talk to her. I tried to express my feelings to her about our friendship, but she became confrontational and explosive. I even emailed her, but she put everything on me, saying that I made her cry. For the last few months of school, she did everything within her power to aggravate me and tell others that she didn't do anything to me.

 

As the summer comes to a close, I am regretting going back to work to be antagonized by her, and getting another job is out of the question. I am not angry with her. I have just grown up and decided to end our season. How should I deal with her when we get back to work? It's been hard ignoring her, and talking to her is out of the question. At work, I totally focus on my students, but I still have to see her in the hall, at meetings, and other transitions. Please advise.

Signed,
Angela

 

ANSWER

Dear Angela,

Based on your report, your friend isn't very friend-worthy. In fact, she sounds like a "user" who is self-centered, ungrateful, manipulative, insensitive, and has been abusive to you beyond belief.

 

Perhaps you developed an excess of sympathy for the underdog because of the circumstances of your own upbringing. However, this is clearly a case of too much of a good thing. You really went overboard in making sacrifices for someone who has treated you like a doormat. I'm not sure what attracted you to this friend initially or what made you hang on for so long. Fortunately, it appears that this one-sided, dysfunctional relationship has completely lost its luster for you.

 

You have every right to be proud of your upbringing and accomplishments---and you shouldn't allow anyone to treat you this way. I'm so glad that you finally had the self-confidence to face this situation squarely and decide you need to move on. Be proud of yourself for "growing up" as you put it.

 

What next? Remember that your job is your livelihood and has to be your first priority. Focus your energies at school on your students and on your colleagues---be professional and cordial in the workplace with your "friend" but don't engage socially with this frenemy any longer. Try to meet other friends outside the office who can fills the holes in your life and provide you with friendships that are more mutually supportive.

Best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm 45 years old and feel like a 7th grader due to a mutual friend situation. I have been good friends with two neighbors for over 10 years. I introduced them last year and they hit it off great. I was so happy for them because they both have a lot of time on their hands and now they have each other. It kind of took the pressure off of me because I don't have a lot of free time.

 

However, lately, they invite me to some parties but sometimes make plans and do not include me ☹. It is mostly Friend #1 who likes to tell me they have dinner plans but doesn't even bother to invite me---while knowing I have no plans for the night. Friend #2 always asks if Friend #1 called and invited me. Because I know them both more than they know each other I would think they would include me. Friend #1 goes out of her way to say she made plans with the other friend.

 

If I had a free night I would never think of inviting one without the other. It isn't that Friend #1 prefers to be with Friend #2; she does the same twosome thing with me, excluding friend #2. She explains that she likes her "alone time" with her friends and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I guess I don't understand. We all get along great and I think its kind of rude when I have a free night but sit home alone because she wants her alone time.

 

Tomorrow is Friend #2's birthday and I asked Friend #1 what the plans were. She said she made plans to go out with our mutual friend but never even asked if I wanted to go. Why wouldn't I? It's my friend's B-day too!

 

Friend #1 says I am acting like a teenager but I think it's the other way around. I don't care how old you are. Everyone likes to be included---although it doesn't have to be all the time. It is very hurtful, especially when all three of us get along great. What kind of friend is she? She does this with all her friends! It's so frustrating! What do you think? Any suggestions?

Signed,
Laura

 

ANSWER

Dear Laura,

Under these circumstances, feeling hurt is understandable whether you're in seventh grade or in your seventh decade. You introduced two long-time friends to each other and suddenly you're on the outside looking in.

 

Several other readers have written to me about friend poaching and each time, I realize that the "rules" for how to handle it are rather murky. Because this situation is fairly common, I discuss friend poaching in my book and have also addressed it in these prior posts:

 

• Friend Poaching or Social Networking: What's the difference?

• A Friend Poached One Too Many Times

• Spinning Out of Control: It's Painful to Lose Friends and Disturbing to Lose Clients

 

With regard to your specific situation, Friend #1 has the right to prefer twosomes to groups. That's okay. And once you introduced her to Friend #2, it is acceptable for them to have a separate relationship. To her credit, she has been upfront with you about what she's doing but she also seems self-centered and insensitive to your feelings. Leaving you out of the birthday bash is taking things too far. Telling you that you're acting like a teenager compounds the hurt because she is, in essence, saying that it's inappropriate for you to feel the way you do. I disagree.

 

In acquiescing to the preferences of Friend #1, Friend #2 has also been somewhat insensitive to your feelings---particularly, given your long history.

 

Both friends already know you feel hurt. I don't think there's anything more you can say to make Friend #1 change her mind or to Friend #2, who seems to follow along with the program. As I see it, your only choice is to accept these relationships as they are and/or use this as an opportunity to seek out new relationships that are more inclusive and hassle-free.

 

I realize that your dilemma isn't an easy one and that this has to be incredibly uncomfortable since they're both your neighbors.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

I alway say how happy I am to be part of a writer/blogger community: Polly is one of the reasons. Thanks, Polly, for allowing me to cross-post your lovely essay about finding the keepers!

------------------------------------------------------------

 

By Polly Campbell

 

Just got off the phone with a good friend. We compared notes about writing assignments, commiserated about book sales, talked about her dogs and my kid and even lamented that the weather in Charlotte is too hot. The forecast where I am too cold.

 

That's all. We didn't figure out how to stop oil from spilling into the Gulf. Nor did we solve the world's hunger crisis. I didn't even come up with an article idea or a sure-fire way to sell my book.

 

But, when I got off the phone with her, I felt good. Balanced. Connected. Healthy. Happy. All that from an hour-long phone call.

 

Why friendships matter

The Big-Wigs have long studied the power of friendship. Social connections ward off depression, boost our immune systems and foster our feelings of well-being.

 

I am not a scientist, but in my personal research - the occasional phone call from my friend Jodi, or a beer with Sherri or a note from Lewis - literally changes my physiology. I feel warmer inside in that little space right around my heart. I feel inspired. More creative.

 

Friends also buffer you against the bad. They encourage you, push you forward, problem solve, support. They tell you the truth. Sometimes they slant the truth just a teeny, tiny bit to make you feel better. Friends hold the compass to your spirit. They point you in the direction of your best self.

 

Like Jodi says, and her friend before, some friendships fill up your bucket, others drain it. At one time or another every friend is going to be a bucket drainer. The keepers are the ones who fill it up just as often.

 

I've got a bunch of bucket fillers in my life. I cherish them. When everything else is falling apart, these are the people who help me tape it all back together. I hope I do the same for them.

 

But if your life is filled with bucket drainers, or you find you've become the primary drain yourself, it's time to cultivate some new, more positive and supportive relationships.

 

Flexing friendships

Friendships will naturally flex and shift, says Irene S. Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, and an expert on these things. The average friendships last about seven years. And often friendships need room to grow and change and end. It's healthy and normal for some relationships to end and to form new friendships.

 

It takes time and patience, Levine says. But friendships often form out of your own interests. When you're taking a class on a topic your passionate about, or working out you're likely to meet people who have shared interests. Be open to the possibility. Be accessible. Take an interest. Let the friendship develop. Perhaps, it will turn into something lasting - or not.

 

Yet, even those casual connections have value. They remind us that we are not alone in this world. We are all connected and ultimately, that's good for everyone.

 

What are your experiences with bucket fillers and bucket drainers and how do you tell the difference?

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I don't know if this is a strange question or if many other women have the same issue as me. I have a lot of friends that I'm very attached to, and enjoy spending time with. I'm not outgoing, but I'm not a shy person, and find it easy to meet and befriend people. I get on well with a wide range of people and have always had plenty of friends in my life. My friends tell me I am funny, clever, good company, a good conversationalist and a good listener, caring, intuitive, generous and make people feel better about themselves. I often receive cards and letters from them thanking me for my help and friendship, so I definitely feel appreciated.

 

Yet at no point in my life have I ever been someone's BEST friend. I've had women in my life I considered my best friend, but they never saw me that way in return. I always seem to be the second-best friend, the back-up friend, or just another friend in the group. On some level, I feel that friends keep me at a slight emotional distance, and although they are happy to share their problems with me, nobody seems to be too comfortable hearing about mine.

 

I had a best friend in grad school, and soon after that we got married, so although that's lovely, he didn't only want friendship from me. In college I had a female best friend who turned out to be bisexual and expected us to become a couple - when I said I only wanted to be her friend, she soon found a companion who was more on her sexual wavelength (another close friend of mine so I lost both of them). In high school I had a best friend and I believe I was her best friend as well - two months later her family moved 500 miles away. She soon found a best friend at her new school, but I never did.

 

As far as I can work out, I am a very likeable person but not a lovable one, or at least it's hard for me to find people who will love me platonically and not move away. I'm in the second half of my life now and I've accepted that it's not likely I'll ever be someone's best friend at this late stage. I'm grateful for the friendships I have and I know I'm lucky. But not only do I secretly feel a little jealous when I see two female friends sharing a close bond and pouring their hearts and minds out to each other, I also wonder why it is I have never had this except for 2 months at the age of 14?

 

You know a lot about women and about friendship - can you tell me what makes a woman "best friend material", and what reasons could there be that I just don't cut it as a BFF?

Sincerely,

Terri

 

ANSWER

Dear Terri,

It sounds like you already know all the qualities of being a good friend---mutual respect, caring, loyalty, trust, and supportiveness, to start---and that you are one! Those same ingredients are key to becoming a BEST friend. However, for two people to become best friends, they need to desire the same closeness with each other and to work at it over time.

 

The friend who is bisexual wanted a romantic involvement with you while you didn't. It's understandable how that put the kibosh on building a best friendship. In the case of the short-lived best friend who moved away, distance often makes it challenging to deepen a friendship when there isn't a long shared history. Since you've desired a best friend for a long time, however, it's probably not solely a matter of you consistently making poor choices and/or of logistics getting in the way.

 

One thought that comes to my mind: Could you possibly be guarded with other people and reluctant to self-disclose, perhaps because you have had a hard time forming intimate friendships with women in the past? Such a tendency, which is common, could inadvertently create an emotional distance between you and a friend. If your friend feels you are holding back, it will cause her to do the same.

 

Conversely, trust and intimacy develop slowly when there is a give and take. Two friends begin to feel so in sync that they can comfortably share their innermost feelings and thoughts. You might try selecting one promising friendship and approaching it in a different way than you have with others (that have remained more superficial) by allowing yourself to gradually get closer over time.

 

Another possibility is that you are, in some way, intimidating your friends, which also creates distance. Two best friends don't have to feel equal in every way but there needs to be a sense of balance between them: That overall, each one is giving as much as she is receiving. Perhaps, you're portraying yourself as more successful and self-assured than you are.

 

Of course, these are just two possibilities, but since the problem you describe is persistent and remains troublesome to you, it may be worthwhile to talk to a counselor or mental health professional who can give you some helpful feedback specific to your situation.

 

In the meantime, although you don't have a BEST FRIEND at the moment, you are fortunate to have good friendship-making skills, a group of friends who appreciate you, and many potential candidates for a best friend. Over time, one of these friendships may eventually become the special relationship you are longing for.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene