fractured

You may not be able to picture yourself in a relationship like that of Wendy and her college friend Daphne but in the larger-than-life caricatures of two quintessential New Yorkers, novelist Lucinda Rosenfeld captures the essence of many close female friendships.

 

Daphne Uberoff is stunningly beautiful and has all the trappings of material success; Wendy Murman is a struggling magazine writer, with fertility problems and a slacker husband. As the gap between the two women widens, the jealousy and envy that Wendy harbors grows so extreme that it becomes corrosive.

 

I'm So Happy For You (Back Bay Books, 2009) portrays a less than perfect relationship between best friends that falls short of the romanticized notion we usually read about in novels. As often happens in real life, the huge fissures in this friendship are varnished over with the protective glue of shared history and experiences; the predictability of personalities (despite their peccadilloes); and with having friends and acquaintances in common. In such circumstances, no matter how bad or disappointing a relationship becomes, it's hard to let go.

 

In this breezy, light-hearted and engaging read, Rosenfeld aptly drives home the point that when it comes to best friends, these relationships aren't always as they appear to be.

 

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

Most friendships don't last forever. If you are reeling from a failed friendship or one that seemed to drift apart, here are some thoughts to help you get over the hurt. It may even be more helpful to substitute your own.

 

Repeat these affirmations as many times as it takes to actually feel them and believe them!

• Lost friendships are a part of life.

• The sudden loss of a friendship doesn't invalidate the meaningfulness of the relationship that once was.

• Grief and mourning are normal after the loss of a good friend.

• The more important the relationship was, the longer it will take to heal.

• Every broken friendship offers lessons to inspire better ones in the future.

• Blame isn't the answer since it impedes forgiveness and provokes anger.

• Closure doesn't take two; it's something I can work on independently.

 

Are there other affirmations that have worked for you?

 

This post also appeared on The Huffington Post.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Nicole and I met soon after each of us moved to a new town and we hit it off immediately. We were both adrenaline junkies, partners in crime who enjoyed outdoor activities. Sometimes we thought of each other as twin sisters or maybe more, like teenage brothers. I'm a lesbian and Nicole is bisexual and we dated briefly. Nicole wasn't that interested and I decided to end it when she started avoiding me although I would have preferred otherwise.

 

We remained friends. Unfortunately, I noticed a cruel side to her personality after we stopped dating. She started to make condescending and dismissive remarks if I wanted to "talk" about what was bothering me about us. She even threatened that she would walk away from me if I brought up certain subjects.

 

If she met a new friend, Nicole would ask that I sit in the back of her car so her new friend could sit in the passenger seat. She'd call me to cry about her boyfriend who dumped her and she'd pick up girls in front of me while at clubs. She even started getting frisky with one, literally in front of me.

 

She knew I was sore and sensitive. I confronted her about her behavior and her response was that since I'm her friend and not an ex (we were never in a long-term relationship), there was nothing wrong with what she said or did. She seems to have conveniently ignored that I still had romantic feelings for her.

 

I requested a "break" for a couple months and then we started up our friendship again. She seemed really happy to see me and I was glad to see her. But I had unresolved anger and became passive aggressive at times. She requested a break. Several months passed. We tried to be friends again but now she's in a relationship a new boyfriend.

 

She wants all of us to hang out together since weekend trips and campouts are better suited to groups. I'm just trying to come to grips with my jilted ego over this guy who's taking away time I could be spending with her. When I expressed my discomfort, we went on a trip for several days without him but she was angry at me that her boyfriend wasn't with her. On our last night, she more or less gave me a threat/ultimatum that going forward, she's won't leave her boyfriend behind. I had to remind her that she chose to do the trip with me.

 

I'm tired of her hostility. I'm tired of how I'm feeling. I'll miss parts of her but can walk away but I'd rather salvage this relationship if possible. Is this too broken? Should I get a clue and move on? Please help. This is really about friendship with a misbegotten romance that may have complicated the issue.

Signed,
Lacey

ANSWER

Dear Lacey:

It’s exceedingly difficult, usually impossible, to downgrade a romance to a platonic friendship AFTER SOMEONE HAS BEEN DUMPED. There is just too much residual hurt and anger. Nicole has made it clear that she no longer has any romantic interest in you. She's avoided you and dismissed you, yet you keep coming back for further insults and assaults to your ego.

 

You need to simply let go of her and look elsewhere for someone with whom you can to share your time, energy, and desires. For whatever reasons, she's just not that into you!

 

I’m not sure whether her hostility and ambivalence is only directed at you or to other "friends" as well---but that is her problem. Don't allow it to be yours any longer. You will feel much more in control emotionally if you make a clean break from this destructive relationship.

 

It's hard to understand your ambivalence as well. Yes, your friendship is too broken to fix and you need to figure out why you would ever want to salvage it, given that has been so unsatisfying on so many levels.

My best wishes,
Irene

Contrary to the myth of best friends forever, many female friendships don't always turn out the way we hoped they would. The friend who is constantly making one-sided demands of you is one disappointing example.

 

When a close friend is always in need of one thing or another---money, favors, introductions, coddling, praise, or simply more time than you have to give---the relationship begins to grow weary. You feel like you're walking around with an emotional ball and chain around your ankle.

 

The term toxic friendship refers to a variety of relationships that are consistently negative and draining. The nature of these relationships is defined by patterns, not by one-time or occasional lapses in the reciprocity that is the essence of a healthy friendship.

 

Why would anyone put up with a friend like that? It, too, can be explained by the concept of reciprocity. Friendships continue when they are mutually satisfying---even if the relationship is toxic. Many women have a hard time extricating themselves from these relationships. These include:

• People who like to feel needed

• People who feel like they aren't worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships

• People who are stuck---either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend

 

Get real: If your truly needy friend has been that way for some time, the real possibilities of changing the relationship verge on hopeless. Yet it's hard to find a way out. Here are some ways to unload:

1) Change the nature of your friendship by learning to say "no" and setting boundaries (e.g. "Even though we are both single, I don't want to spend every Friday night together" or "I can't have dinners with you after work because I need to get home to my family."')

2) Tell her that you have to tend to your own needs (or those of anyone else you can think of---your mother, your kid or your cat)

3) Slip away - Spend less time with her and add other less demanding friends to your inventory

4) Take a relationship sabbatical, a well-deserved hiatus from the friendship

5) If you've reached the point where you feel there is nothing really to lose, simply cut loose!

 

Get rid of the guilt. These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way she treats you. It's likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that's why she is so dependent on you.

 

This blog entry also appeared on the Huffington Post