female friendship

New York Times best-selling author Jane Green is a mother of six. Remarkably, she has written a book a year for the past 12 years. Like her other books, the newest one also focuses on the emotional lives of lives of women.

Promises to Keep, was inspired by the life and death of her real-life friend Heidi, who was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. The journey she shared with her girlfriend, accompanying her to chemo and spending time with her when she was too weak to leave her bed, profoundly affected the way Jane thinks about relationships, especially her friendships. My interview with Jane highlights some of her thoughts about that life-changing friendship with Heidi:

 

Irene:

Jane, I know you were born in London. What challenges did you face as an expat making friendships in a new country? How did you meet those challenges?

Jane:

It took me a long time to find my footing here. I moved and made instant friends through having a young child and joining a mommy and me group, but few of them were lasting. By the time a year was up, I had a core group of three who remain amongst my dearest.

 

Irene:

How did you meet your friend Heidi, who inspired the book? What was special about that friendship?

Jane:

Heidi was one of those three mentioned above. I met her first at a children's music class. I didn't know her name, but we cracked up laughing at the ridiculousness of the teacher. When she left, I was instantly regretful that I didn't ask for her number. All I knew was that her name was Heidi, she had a son, and she lived on the other side of town. I spent a week trying to find her, and on the Friday I was hosting a playgroup in my yard. I was alone with my son, waiting for our regular mothers to arrive, when my garden gate opened and in walked Heidi. She had been invited by one of the regulars.

We became instant fast friends, and put our children into pre-school together, so we were together every day. She was a remarkable girl. She had more confidence and sparkle than anyone I have ever met, was utterly comfortable in her own skin, and as a result drew people to her. She was incredibly wise, and measured, and the first person I always turned to for advice.

 

Irene:

What impact did the premature and tragic death of a friend have on your life/friendships?

Jane:

I am very busy, life is very busy, and I was, I think, a somewhat lazy friend. I love them, I know they love me, but I didn't make much of an effort. I would forget to call, and was relieved that even if we didn't see each other often, our friendships somehow stayed the same. Going through an illness and then death of a close friend, has changed my attitudes to friendship enormously.

I learned that saying you love your friends isn't enough; that love is a verb, it requires Acts of Love. It is all about the doing, not the saying, and now I make a point, every day, of emailing, or phoning, or making a plan with those I love.

 

Irene:

You have four young children, a new husband with two children of his own, and an active career. How do you balance friendships with the rest of your life?

Jane:

I have learned that it is imperative that I make time for my friends, that they demand to be as much a part of the mix as my family and my work, and perhaps more so, because they are not an inevitability. All relationships, be it your spouse, your family, your friends, take work, and I make sure that a part of every day is spent connecting with friends.

 

Irene:

What friendship lessons do you think that mothers need to convey to their daughters?

Jane:

Kindness, I believe, is key. Avoiding "girl drama" by not engaging and walking away. Consideration of others.

 

Book Giveaway:

Jane's latest book is so gripping that I had a hard time putting it down. Would you like a chance to win a free copy and be one of the first people to read Promises to Keep? If so:

Post a comment here about the most important friendship lesson you've ever learned or else email it to me at Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com with the subject line: FRIENDSHIP LESSONS.

Please be sure to include your email address if you post it so I can contact you if you are the winner.

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Tuesday, July 6, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends!

The latest issue of NYU News and Views includes an article about my survey research on female friendship.

 

Women are told from the time they're little girls that best friends are for life, and that one friend-just one-will become their closest confidante, their bosom buddy. But it's not necessarily so, and when a friendship fails, the wound can be deep and slow to heal. "A broken friendship is a taboo subject that women don't usually talk about," explains Irene Levine, PhD, clinical professor of psychiatry. "It's embarrassing and associated with stigma. We don't even have a vocabulary for why friendships fall apart or a roadmap for what happens when they do."

 

With few coping strategies available, Dr. Levine did her own research in the hope of finding valuable insights. She conducted an online qualitative survey, posing open-ended questions to more than 1,500 females, ages 7 to 70. The results astounded her. "Once I guaranteed anonymity," she says, "women really poured out their hearts. Older women described friendships that fell apart 20 years ago, and the pain they still felt was intensely strong."

 

The book spawned by her research, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Overlook Press, 2009), offers advice on a host of topics, including how to recognize signs of trouble, how to detach from a "toxic friend," when to sever ties, and how to face facts and move on. These lessons hit home. "I wish that I had let go of toxic friendships and focused on those that are mutually rewarding earlier in my own life," confides Dr. Levine.

 

Click here to read the rest of the article...

 

 

 

A chick lit author hits her stride~

Once I started reading Joanne Rendell's new novel, Crossing Washington Square, I had a hard time putting it down. This gripping book tells the story of two strong women, both of them faculty in the English Literature Department of Manhattan U. The story takes the protagonists-polar opposites in personality, style and in their academic orientations-through unexpected twists and turns from New York to London and back. Over time, the two archenemies find that they have more in common than they first realized.

This is intelligent chick lit, an engaging story beautifully told with multiple layers that touch some of the major issues relevant to the experience of women: relationships between friends, family, colleagues and lovers. So I was delighted to have the opportunity to interview Joanne Rendell, who also wrote The Professors' Wives' Club:

How do your novels draw upon your own life experiences as a professor's wife living on the campus of NYU?

Both my books are set at Manhattan U., a university that resembles very closely NYU where my husband is a professor and where we live in faculty housing. Characters and storylines, although sometimes loosely based on things I've heard and seen, are largely fictional. I draw inspiration from other books, movies, philosophical ideas, and cultural concepts more than I do from real events and people.

With Crossing Washington Square one of my main inspirations was other novels about university life. I've always enjoyed these kinds of books (think Michael Chabon's Wonder Boys or Richard Russo's The Straight Man). But what I noticed about such "campus fiction" was the lack of female professors in leading roles. Furthermore, most of the male professors in campus novels are disillusioned drunks who quite often sleep with their students, or at least consider sleeping with their students or are accused of it. I wanted to write a novel with women professors at the forefront and I wanted these women to be strong, smart, and interesting - instead of drunk, despondent, and preoccupied with questionable romantic liaisons.

In what ways are you like Professor Diana Monroe, one of the lead characters in Crossing Washington Square?

Out of the two characters, Diana is the more established and esteemed professor. She's also very cool, calm, controlled, and aloof. She is the kind of uber-professor every academic wants to be with her grace, poise, and razor sharp mind. But she's also a little scary too. Although I'm pretty cool and calm and I was born in England, just like Diana was, I share little else with her.

In what ways are you like Professor Rachel Grey?

I'm a lot more like Rachel, although without the tempestuous side. As a grad student, I was always caught in a conundrum. By day I would be reading classical literature and poetry, but at night I loved to read women's popular fiction. Bridget Jones' Diary, I have to say, is one of my all time favorite books. Rachel is like this too. She loves women's fiction across the board - from Jane Austen and Edith Wharton to contemporary popular authors like Jennifer Weiner or Emily Giffin. She's a passionate woman who's especially passionate about the books she likes.

Did you set out to tell the tale of a friendship between two women or did it evolve more organically?

Initially, I thought I would have just one protagonist. But as I started mulling over plot ideas, I happened to reread Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. I always loved Austen's portrayal of the two very different Dashwood sisters - Elinor led by her sense and Marianne led by her irrepressible sensibilities - and how Austen explores their strengths and weaknesses, how they clash but also how they learn from each other. I enjoyed putting these two kinds of women in a modern context and asking whether they could ever overcome their differences and become friends.

How much competition is there between women who study, teach or live on college campuses?

There are competitive women in all walks of life. But there is a particular kind of competitiveness within academe. Even though there are many more female professors than there used to be, it is still a tough world for women. Most people in academia go up for tenure (in other words, attempt to secure their job at the university) in their thirties and that's usually a very busy time for women. The demands of pregnancy, motherhood, or being married to a husband who must move for his work put additional pressures on female academics. If women want to get tenure and get to the top of the ivory tower, they need to be tough - and yes, probably a little competitive too.

With a doctorate in English literature, are you comfortable with your novels being cast in the genre of "chick lit"?

I'm more than happy for my book to be called "chick lit" - or "commercial women's fiction" as it is now called in the publishing industry. In many circles, chick lit is synonymous with trashy, badly written, neon-pink books about women searching for Mr. Right and shopping for Jimmy Choos. There are a few books out there that hold to this stereotype, but not many. A lot of the books which have been given the chick lit moniker are much more nuanced, self-consciously ironic, and interesting than detractors allow. They are also novels which deal with real women's lives, real issues, and they also have a very big audience. I find it sad, yet predictable, that a group of books which are by women, for women, and about women have become demeaned in such a way. In fact, this is a central topic within Crossing Washington Square. Professor Rachel Grey is not scared to stand up for chick lit and popular writing for women. She not only enjoys these books but she also sees that they are important objects of study. If we want to know about our world, as many academics claim to do, it is important to study the forms of culture that matter to the people in that world.

What is the most exciting thing about seeing your book in a bookstore?

Knowing that is finally done and "out there" and that people are hopefully going to buy it and enjoy it...and maybe feel passionately about it, just like my characters feel passionately about books.

How do you balance the roles of author, mother and wife? Any tricks?

When I'm not writing, I'm homeschooling my six-year-old son, Benny. It makes for a busy life which has to be scheduled pretty tightly. "Homeschool" is somewhat a misnomer, though, as we spend a relatively small amount of time schooling at "home." We live in New York so are lucky enough to have an amazing array of fun and educational places on our doorstep. Benny and I, together with his friends, are always out on trips to the Met, the Natural History Museum, aquariums, zoos, galleries, libraries, and parks. We've combined relevant story and picture books, with many trips to museums. Benny has learnt a lot, but it's amazing how much I've learned too. I feel my mind - and my writing - expanding because of these studies.

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

They both grew up in Wasilla and they’ve known each other for some 40 years since they attended the same elementary school. Each is an ambitious, outspoken, competitive, conservative, God-fearing, married, working mom with five kids. They live seven miles apart in a state whose area is so vast that it exceeds that of Texas, California and Wyoming combined.

Both are former beauty pageant contestants. Sarah won the Miss Wasilla contest and finished second in Miss Alaska; Kristan (whom Sarah calls "Krissy") was Miss Alaska and then Mrs. Alaska a few years later. In the more-than-you-want-to-know category, according to one hairstylist I know, they both wear as-seen-on-TV “Bumpits” hair lifts. When two women have so much in common and such a long shared history, it lays the foundation for a strong friendship.

But most female friendships, even the best of them, don’t last forever---so as their lives and career paths diverged, the two best friends could have easily drifted apart. Sarah, 45, pursued a career in politics, first as a mayor and then as a governor and a vice-presidential candidate while Kristan, 47, built a small but successful real estate business, heading up a team of 15 people. On her Facebook profile, Kristan “only shares certain information with everyone,” including the names of her friends; Sarah has more than 620,000 “supporters.” Kristan has remained intimately involved in Palin’s affairs as a supporter, campaign donor, and spokesperson. Kristan is a trustee of The Alaska Fund Trust, Sarah and Todd Palin’s legal defense fund.

As Governor, Sarah named Kristan to the Alaska Board of Agriculture and Conservation, an appointed regulatory position that serves at the pleasure of the Governor. In September 2008, when the McCain-Palin campaign launched a “Truth Squad” to combat the liberal media and dirty Democrats, Kristan was named to the Squad. Recently, Kristan assumed the awkward role of interpreting her pal’s bewildering resignation speech to the national press.

It’s hard to understand what makes some friendships stick while others fall apart. For better or worse, Sarah and Kristin remain BFFs. Shared history? Shared values? Loyalty? Trust? Maybe all of the above.

Given the uncertainties of the global economy and the high rates of unemployment, money seems to be on everyone’s minds these days. This is the second part of a two-part interview on Friendship and Money with MSN Money columnist Emma Johnson. Part I of this interview can be found here: She’s Fired, You’re Not.

How do economic inequities between friends affect relationships?

In a perfect world, money wouldn’t affect friendships. But there are a few things going on here. For one, in our culture we measure success in terms of professional accomplishments and money, and we often judge ourselves by these sticks. So when one friend gets ahead financially, another might start feeling left behind and less successful all around.

The other thing that happens is that money often has a big impact on our lifestyles. When one friend starts making big bucks, she might move to a tonier zip code, start worrying about private schools for their kids, and spend weekends researching a second home to buy. This is her new life. The friend from way-back-when can’t identify with these new concerns, and vice versa. These are not trivial differences and can create big rifts in how people relate.

There are practical considerations, too, depending on the relationship. If a pair of friends is in the habit of spending money together – be it dinners out, shopping or vacationing – that can all come to a grinding halt once one party can no longer afford it. Worse, the unemployed woman may feel the need to now live beyond her means just to keep that much-needed friendship alive.

Should women talk openly with each other about their financial woes or those of their partners? Why?

I believe we all need someone to talk to about the important things in our lives. We’ve been raised to believe that talking about money is impolite, but it is such an important part of our lives – and often our worries – that the practice of bottling up all our money woes might just be at the root our country’s lousy financial habits.

Blabbing about the nitty-gritty of your income, credit card statements, taxes and inheritances is probably not a great idea most of the time, but there are no holds barred when you have a really truly great friend who will not judge you, will give you some tough love when needed and, most importantly, listen. On the other hand, if you’re tickled because your husband got a raise, your great aunt died and left you a chunk of change and you found a wad of cash in your attic, remember: no one likes a braggart.

Are there circumstances when you should lend a girlfriend money to keep her afloat? What are the perils? What safeguards would help preserve the friendship?

Lending money to a friend or relative is always a tough situation, and can be a real stressor in the relationship. Whenever you get together, the money will be on everyone’s mind, but no one will talk about it. And there is no better way to create resentment than to have an unpaid debt between parties.

If you do decide to lend money, write up a contract signed by both friends, and have it include terms of the loan, repayment dates, interest, etc. But lending money should be a business decision, not an emotional one, and that is tricky between friends. Ask yourself:

• What is this person’s financial history?
• What is the likelihood they will be gainfully employed soon?
• Is the loan for a true emergency or basic living expenses, or something frivolous?
• And perhaps most important, Will this loan put my own finances in peril?

In an article I wrote for Psychology Today about friendship and money, I profiled a woman who made all her own money and had a very modest existence, one she shared with a girlfriend who later came into a significant inheritance. The newly rich friend felt guilty about it and insisted on treating her friend to meals out, vacations and trips to the mall – which the working woman resented very much. They were able to talk it though, but that financial inequality proved to be a big deal.



Emma Johnson is a New York journalist who writes about business, finance and money topics for publications including the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Entrepreneur and Psychology Today. Her series on MSN Money, “Jump Start Your Life,” explores money topics for people in their 20s and 30s.

Marriage is a milestone that often alters a couple’s relationship with each other, as well as with those around them. For the new bride, it can herald profound changes in her relationships with girlfriends.

In a recent post (February 9, 2008), I interviewed wedding expert Sharon Naylor about the challenges that planning “the big day” poses to the bride’s friendships. In this follow-up, I asked Sharon about the impact of marriage on female friendships.

How does the transition from being single to being married affect a woman’s relationships with single friends?

It changes the dynamics of the relationship a LOT. Depending on how frustrated the single friend is with her dating life, and how envious she is of your good fortune in finding true love, it can be a very trying time for her…and thus for your friendship.

If you’re the first friend of hers to get married, that can be traumatic because the issue of marriage is now Out There, bringing pressure to her life. And if many of your friends have gotten married, she may REALLY be feeling pressured because you’re another in a long list of her former single friends to ‘win the prize’ while she is still waiting for hers.

What can the new bride do to minimize tension?

The solution here is to nurture or create a dimension in this friendship that is not about dating or relationships at all. And this is a tough task, because some brides find that the only thing they had in common with some friends is the topic of dating, the drive to couple up.

It might be that these friends went out to clubs or had 99% of their conversations revolve around bad blind dates and online dating profiles, breakups and breakdowns. Some female friendships are bonded by the drama of dating life. And when you exit dating life, there’s a big void in the friendship. Yes, you’ve been out of dating world for the entire time you’ve been with your fiancé, but this sad single friend hasn’t heard the door slam closed until your engagement. Not that she was hoping you’d break up. It just wasn’t completely official yet. And she may feel abandoned in her singleness.

What responses might you anticipate from the girlfriend(s) you leave behind? How might she be feeling?

“You’re not going to want to go out anymore,” worries the single friend, who also might be slapping on a big, fake smile when you talk about your fiancé’s romantic birthday plans for you, or what you’re doing on Valentine’s Day. If this friend has been overly dependent on you, if you were the only egg in her basket, your marriage is bad, bad news for her.

Your friend is now alone in her quest, with no true allies, and may feel like she’s slipped to the bottom of the totem pole. And you might find that you no longer enjoy her sad-sack company, her complaints, her refusal to raise the bar and pursue men who are better for her. You might not want to entertain her pity parties anymore. So the friendship…like any relationship that has no common bonds…can fade away.

How can you minimize the inherent risks to the friendship?

If you do wish to nurture the friendship, start by subtly creating new shared interests, such as asking your friend to sign up for an aromatherapy class, or get a museum membership so that you can go to exhibits and lectures, or sign on for dance classes at the gym you both go to. Exchange novels you’ve both loved and talk about them over coffee. Add new facets to the friendship so that it can survive your change in status. Such variety and shared interests are healthy for any relationship, especially female friendships.

With new dimensions, you might not mind your friend’s occasional dating dramas so much…they could make you feel grateful for your new husband as well as give you a satisfying feeling of being a supportive friend. You’ve just transformed that into a smaller percentage of your relationship.

Can matchmaking efforts help keep a female friendship intact?

One mistake newlyweds make is wanting to set single friends up with all of their friends. Sure, the intentions are good, wanting your friend to be as happy as you are, but unless the friend is truly enthusiastic about your help, you might put too much pressure on her to endure the company of a guy friend who’s not right for her, and you two as a couple could get embroiled in their relationship issues.

It’s far better to invite your friend to events where she might meet someone. That’s where your newlywed life could be of great benefit to her. You’re not pushing, choosing, dodging news of a breakup, keeping secret the fact that the guy you introduced to her is also seeing three other girls, etc.

Why is it important to focus on friendships after your wedding day?

Having many healthy female friendships with positive women who inspire you and add many gifts to your life makes you a better spouse with a full life of your own. Your man is not the only egg in your basket, so to speak. You’re not overly dependent on him. Your circle of friends is a strength in your life, and studies show that having a great sense of community is good for your health, keeps stress down, strengthens your heart, and has many other perks.

Any other comments you would like to make about female friendships after marriage, Sharon?

The sad reality is that sometimes they don’t survive because you no longer have anything in common. Or, a bridesmaid acted so jealous and rude at your wedding that you never want to speak with her again. It was the last straw. Or you just drift from single friends, or some friends voluntarily get absorbed into their new husbands’ worlds and abandon their own friends as the incarnation of their New Life.

Friendships have a life cycle, and they do depend on mutual commitment and shared evolution to survive as long as they’re meant to---for as long as they’re healthy for both parties. A wedding, being such a huge life transition, naturally tests all manner of female friendships, with some friendships getting stronger and some falling away.

When I got married in April, my closest friends from college were my bridesmaids. They all traveled from distant states to be there, and our friendships were strengthened partly because we stayed so close through phone and e-mail conversations for years…we saw each other perhaps once a year due to our busy lives, but the connections we’ve always had were strong.

Being together, walking through my neighborhood as cherry blossom petals came raining down on us, then sharing the wedding day and seeing our husbands bond like brothers has reignited our need to see each other more. We’re all turning 40 this year, so we’re meeting at a resort town halfway between our home states, staying in a haunted bed-and-breakfast, shopping, going to wineries, and having a fabulous couples’ getaway to mark the big 4-0. Fortunately, my friends’ tenure as bridesmaids, even from a distance, further solidified our bond, and now we’re adding more dimension to our friendship by making it a priority to plan more face-time.


Sharon Naylor is the author of over 35 wedding books, including The Bride’s Survival Guide, and has been featured on Good Morning America, Lifetime, ABC News, The Morning Show With Mike & Juliet, and in InStyle Weddings, Martha Stewart Weddings, Brides, Modern Bride, Southern Bride and many additional magazines. She is the iVillage Weddings expert and Planning in Peace blogger, as well as a top columnist for Bridal Guide.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I have a friend who is a few years younger than me. I love her to death but she is causing me to feel bad about not being with her 24/7. She and I used to have the best time together; we laughed and watched movies and all sorts of stuff together. She had a really tough year, with her first two boyfriends being big jerks to her.

 

I want to be there for her, but now, a year later, she is not talking to anybody but me, not even her family. On top of that she is locked in her room and not making eye contact with anyone. She cancels plans with other friends just in case I want to hang out with her and when I say I can't or I'm not up to it, she gets mad at me and usually doesn't speak to me for days.

 

I am applying to colleges and she is insisting that I go to an in-state college so in two years, when she gets out of school, we can have an apartment together. When I tell her I want to live in a dorm, she says she doesn't want me to. I am thinking of going to college four states away and I don't know how to tell her because of the argument I know will follow.

 

She tells me that she doesn't want to be my friend for not sleeping over at her house every weekend. If I want to hang out with my other friends, she tries to get me to cancel my plans. I know I have to stick up for myself more, but I care a lot about her and I am not sure how to find a happy middle to me being a rug she walks all over. Do you have any advice?

 

Signed,

Stephanie

 

ANSWER:

Dear Stephanie,

This relationship doesn't sound healthy for you or your friend. I presume that she is still a teenager, who has become overly attached, possessive, and dependent on you---maybe because you are a few years older. She is demanding exclusivity in your relationship because she doesn't seem to feel comfortable alone or with other friends.

 

If she really is as emotionally volatile and is "locked in her room," as you describe, she may need professional help. You should speak to someone in her family, in confidence, and admit that this problem is more than you can handle at this stage in your life. It seems like it is.

 

Although you may not be aware of it, you have been encouraging her dependency by acquiescing to her unreasonable demands. You need to gradually begin to create more distance between you and your friend, and to set some limits. Moreover, you need to examine your own motives for allowing this to happen. It sounds like this relationship is dominating your life when you should have other interests and involvements. You certainly shouldn't let this friendship dictate your college plans. It wouldn't be good for either of you.

 

I know this situation is tricky and I wish you luck and grace in resolving it.

My best,
Irene

The support of female friends can help a woman get over the traumatic emotional and financial losses associated with being fired or let go. What can friends do?

Read my latest post on The Huffington Post.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

My "best" friend and I have been friends since last year. Sometimes I feel like I love her; other times, she’s my worst enemy. She comes from a controlling and abusive family and I was always there for her to get through it.

I just turned 18, and I realize more and more that she’s doing the same things to me that her mom did to her. I’ve watched her lie and manipulate older men and she’s only 17. She brought me into these situations to help her be more convincing. It made me feel guilty but I couldn’t do anything about it. I’ve lost almost all of my old friends because of her telling me they talk bad about me behind my back. She’s changed me into becoming more promiscuous and she gets me to meet new guys to "make me feel more confident." She says I can’t do it on my own because I’m too shy. Then she finds something bad about them to make me from stop talking to them if I start spending more time with one of them and not her.

She even said something about my parents not caring about me. She "jokingly" calls me stupid and puts me down. Other times, she tries to make me feel better about myself. She found me a job with her but if I do something wrong, she makes me feel like a bad friend because she throws it in my face about how she got me the job and all the other great things she’s done for me.

I wish I had an escape but I’m still in high school and I happen to live a street away from her and she knows almost everything about me, even that I may have an STD because of a guy she hooked me up with.

Signed,
Heather

ANSWER

Dear Heather:

As a woman and as a mom, my heart goes out to you because it sounds like you are in a particularly painful situation for someone your age. Even if you desperately want to, it’s hard to escape from a girlfriend who lives near you, goes to school with you, has some of the same friends as you, and works with you.

It’s great that you have insight and recognize that this relationship is toxic. Your friend has you hooked on the excitement she provides but the costs are too great. She undermines your self-confidence---and tries to manipulate and control you.

You were brave to tell me about your worries and that you want to make positive changes. Although it will be difficult, you need to find a way to back off from this friendship. If you don't feel comfortable talking to one of your parents, I suggest that you talk to another trusted adult, perhaps a counselor at your high school, who can provide support to help you find a way to end this risky relationship. Also, make an appointment with a physician so you can reassure yourself about your health and can cross an STD off your worry list.

 

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a friend who was always interesting to talk to because we had interests in common. I always wondered how she could manage so many activities in addition to her work.

Unfortunately, some time ago, she developed a serious illness for which she is now being treated. She has been attempting to regain her formerly busy lifestyle. While helping her at her home, I got to know her better and see how her personality may have even contributed to her becoming ill. She puts herself under needless stress. Hers was a dysfunctional lifestyle that emphasized overachieving and helping everyone -- even if they didn't ask for it.

Maybe I should have backed off because I sensed that I was being leaned on out of proportion to the situation. To those family or relatives who could help, she barely delegates anything, and excuses others who say they are too busy. However, the people she is leaning on are not related to her and are just as busy with obligations, if not more.  

I stopped contacting her about two weeks ago and feel guilty because I know that coping with her health problem is not a picnic. It is somewhat flattering to be leaned on. However, I am happy having this "vacation" as I feel trapped when I think about contacting her again. I rarely have given her advice and rarely have stated my opinions about what she has been doing in her life. I am afraid that if I go back to contacting her, I may finally tell her my opinions and then I'll be sorry. Thanks for any suggestions about how I can handle this situation.  

Signed,
Trapped

ANSWER

Dear Trapped,

Whenever a friend has a serious illness, it also takes a toll on her female friends. The people around her may feel a range of emotions including guilt, anger, sadness, and fear. You haven’t told me the nature of your friend’s illness but it sounds like your friend is a classic portrait of a “woman who does too much.” She liked to have friends lean on her and now expects the same from her friends. Not too unreasonable an expectation, I think, if she can have it her way.

You felt you desperately needed a vacation because your relationship with her had crossed the line and was toxic. You were complicit in allowing her to lean on you excessively, without letting her know when it was getting to be too much for you. Instead, you simply escaped.

If you want to have a more comfortable and mutually satisfying relationship with your friend, you need to be candid and set some realistic boundaries regarding where your helpfulness starts and stops, and what you are willing to do for her and what you are not. She may need and ask for more help now than before, so it can get a little tricky.

Whether, or how, her personality may have contributed to her illness is somewhat speculative and probably irrelevant because you aren’t going to change her. Realistically, you can only work on yourself by recognizing that relationships don’t have to be “all or none.” You don’t have to acquiesce to all her needs. If you decide to resume your relationship with your friend, you need to work at shaping it so that it is more reciprocal.

My best,

Irene