family

Deirdre Madden's most recent novel, Molly Fox's Birthday (Picador, 2010), is a beautifully written story that aptly conveys the complexity of a woman's emotional bonds with her family and friends. The story is focused on a single day in the life of an unnamed narrator, a playright who is staying over at the Dublin home of her closest friend of 20 years, an actress named Molly Fox. The narrator is trying to work on her latest play, but keeps getting distracted and winds up doing far more reminiscing and thinking than writing.

 

I was honored to conduct this interview via email with Deirdre, an acclaimed Irish novelist, to have her respond to some questions about the book, about writing, and about her own friendships. Molly Fox's Birthday was a nominee for the prestigious Orange Prize for Fiction.

 

Irene:
Why did you choose to tell your story within the confines of a single day in the life of the main character?

Deirdre:
A book that was very much in my mind when I was writing Molly Fox's Birthday was Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway. I liked the balance between the past and the present, and it seemed like a good model, a good way to arrange the material. My writing tends to be quite introspective and is concerned with memory rather than being active and narrative-driven. Setting the novel over a single day allowed for these elements to find a suitable balance.

 

Irene:
Why did you leave the main character unnamed?

Deirdre:
I liked the idea of knowing a great deal about a character - pretty much her whole life story - and yet not knowing her name. Usually it's the other way round: when you present or describe someone, the first thing you say is ‘This is...' and you name her. So it was a way of holding something back, of signalling a bit of distance between the reader and the narrator. On the same subject, when writing a novel, often you know that you've got to grips with a character when you've got a name for them that you know really suits.

 

Irene:
Is the narrator's flow of thoughts, procrastination, and writer's block something you've experienced first-hand?

Deirdre:
When you're writing a novel there are times, particularly at the start of the project, when, I find, you need to be quite passive and vague. You need to be receptive, to day-dream a bit, to follow stray thoughts that might or might not lead somewhere and become useful. The trick is to know when to move on from that phase to a more focused and active mindset. If you don't get it right, you do end up wasting time and procrastinating, stuck on something that's going nowhere. I suspect that sooner or later most writers go through something similar to the narrator's creative problems in Molly Fox's Birthday. You just keep going and you get through it.

 

Irene:
Do you have many long-term friendships of your own and how have they weathered the years? Do you believe in such a thing as "friends for life?"

Deirdre:
Yes, I have quite a few long term friends, some of them very long term indeed! Everyone changes as the years pass, but in a true friendship there's something at the heart of it that either evolves with the changes, or else over-rides them so that they don't matter. Circumstances can change but the thing that drew you to that person in the first place can stay constant. But like any important relationship, you can't take a friendship for granted or neglect it. It merits attention and respect.

 

Irene:
Why did you characterize Molly as a friend-poacher? What are your thoughts about friend-poaching (taking someone else's friend and making them your own)?

Deirdre:
Although she is vulnerable in many ways, Molly Fox has a much stronger personality than her friend, the playwright who narrates the novel, and has a stronger will. What one person sees as friend-poaching another will see simply as mutual friendship. Much depends upon the nature of the friendship that is being encroached upon: often the person about to become the wounded party won't have fully understood or admitted to the real nature of a friendship until they feel it to be under threat. That's certainly the case in the novel.

 

Irene:
Do family relationships, in any sense, predetermine our friendships?

Deirdre:
I'm very interested in relationships within families, most particularly siblings where one person is an artist - a painter, a writer or an actor - and how that impinges upon their brothers and sisters. Family and friends aren't, of course, mutually exclusive, and I believe people who are happy and at ease in their families are more likely to be relaxed about making connections and friendships outside the family. I suppose most of us take some kind of lead from our parents on how we conduct friendships, without our even being conscious of it. Molly Fox's Birthday is about family as well as about friendship.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons. 

 

 

*****BOOK GIVEAWAY

To be eligible for a free copy of Molly Fox's Birthday, post a comment about friendship, writing, or friend poaching here. Please include your email address so I can contact you if you are the winner. (If you don't want to post your email address here, you can post the comment and send your email address to me at irene@thefriendshipblog.com/)

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Sunday, August 15, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends!

 

The role of being a stepparent can be challenging. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.

 

Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent?

It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly with a birth parent a little easier for everyone.

If there is animosity, however, or potential for one parent to be manipulating another then it is a slippery slope. Being "friends" and being "friendly" are quite different. Friends also have the potential to get in arguments more than those who are simply friendly to one another. The problem with arguing with a friend about something unrelated to your stepparenting role is that it will probably take a toll on your relationship as parent/stepparent, and that is a relationship you really need to protect for the sake of the child. So, you might want to keep it "friendly", and not become BFFs until the child is old enough to be out of the house and on his or her own!

 

Can a stepparent be a friend with and adolescent or adult child?

Adult, potentially - If you became the stepparent to child who is already a mature adult, you may be more of a friend figure anyway. You are not going to be disciplining your stepchild, or making major life decisions for her so having more of a friendship won't confuse the adult stepchild.

It could still get hairy, however, if you have an argument with your stepchild since you can't really cut ties if necessary. Your stepchild will be your stepchild whether or not you are friends. You don't want an argument that could potentially disrupt your family unit in anyway, so you would still have to proceed in friendship with that in mind.

As far as boundaries go, telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets is out the window - unless you don't mind your spouse finding out and your stepchild doesn't mind risking her parent finding out! Keep in mind, your friend might be interested in intimate details about your relationship with your partner - your stepchild probably isn't!! As far as a friendship, proceed with caution and be aware of the dangers and boundaries.

Friends with your adolescent stepchild? No way. You are a parental figure. Adolescents need guidance and to know that they are safe when in your care. They don't need adult friendships from stepparents; they need strong supportive adults!

 

What are some of the landmines a stepparent faces with her stepchild's friends' parents who were friends of the birth mother?

The possibilities are daunting: She may have aired all your dirty laundry and then some to the other parents. The other parents might want to be gossipy and get you talking about the birth mother. The other parents may have chosen "a side" without even hearing your side.

The best thing to do in this situation is remain courteous, don't bad mouth the birth mother, and appreciate that these folks have a history with her, and to them you are "new" or "an outsider". Keep in mind, this is probably less about them not liking you and more about them feeling loyalty to the birth mother. If you act respectfully people will form their own opinions (it may take a LONG time) and eventually realize that you are just fine!

 

Any other thoughts about friendship and stepparenting, Erin?

Friendship is tough, at times, no matter how great the friendship. People go through different stages in life that can really throw a wrench into a friendship. I have always been friendly with my stepson's birth mother - not friends - but I would say we have grown a bit closer since I had my own son, and my stepson is away at college. We recently took pictures of my son and her daughter (my stepson's half siblings) together in their Halloween costumes as a surprise for him. So although we won't be hanging out with one another or chatting on the phone, we love my stepson enough to put our differences aside to assure that he feels that he has a loving family to come home to no matter which house he stays in!

 

Erin Munroe is a licensed mental health counselor, school adjustment counselor, school guidance counselor, and proud stepmother of her nineteen-year-old stepson. She lives in Braintree, Massachusetts and completed her MA in behavioral medicine and mental health counseling from Boston University School of Medicine. She currently works for the Boston Public Schools and holds a part-time position at a confidential teen-clinic, where she provides counseling to at-risk adolescents.

 

* DISCLOSURE: The Friendship Doctor (me) served as a technical reviewer for Erin's book, which I thought was extremely practical and thorough!

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Levine,

 

I've had a roller coaster relationship with my BF for the past eight years. We both hit it off when our oldest kids (we have 7 in total) met in first grade. What began as a "play date" with children grew into a friendship that involved couples weekends, family trips, dinners out, BBQ's, etc. Basically we were inseparable.

 

The friendship has not been without emotional turmoil, however. My BF is the most incredible woman when she is "on". However, she is moody, explosive, jealous and extremely insecure. She has had very few women friendships in her life. I have always been extremely social with lots of friends but only a handful of close ones.

 

Because I have no family living nearby (other than my immediate family), I deeply value my close friends and put a lot of effort into maintaining those relationships. My BF was constantly jealous and bitter about whomever else I would chose to spend time. To avoid her wrath, I began including her in every plan or not going out as often for coffee or lunch with others. She was never there for me if I was conflicted, concerned or stressed about family, health, or school, etc. I realized those areas of my life were simply not important to her.

 

I realized that my BF controlled our friendship and decided when she wanted to share information. When she became moody or angry, she just slipped into silence and would need me to pull her out of it with attention. I still forged forward because when she was "on," she was really great. It was usually fun to be with my BF.

 

Recently she and her husband decided to move their family away. I only learned about their big decision when the sign went up in front of their home, at the same time when random neighbors and associates found out. Their home sold within a month and they had made offers on homes in other communities. I had learned all this from other friends she spoke to about four times a year.

 

We live in a small community; gossip and speculation were rampant. Because my BF and her husband did not share much with the outside world, people were constantly asking my family and me about their decision to move and about the whereabouts. They assumed that her BF would know. I felt so embarrassed, stunned and hurt that I had no answers. Often I would learn more from casual comments in the grocery store than my own friend had bothered to share with me.

 

The friendship had always been one-sided; I always forgave her. This time I think there was just too much water under the bridge-too much hurt. After she sold her house, she never spoke to me again. Our husbands stopped golfing and watching football games; our kids stopped texting and arranging playtime. I just sat, feeling hurt as her family packed up and moved away. I never said goodbye.

 

It has been three months and I still think of her every day. I have gone under the radar and kept to myself about what I truly feel about what transpired. I know my reality and sleep soundly at night knowing in my heart that I couldn't have done anything different. But I miss her. I miss the "fun" and laughing at silly stuff and relaxing over drinks and dinner with our husbands.

 

How much longer do I have to feel like I am getting over a bad break-up? There was truly more bad than good in this friendship but it still feels like such a loss. Advice???

Signed,
Heart-Broken

 

ANSWER:

Dear Heart-Broken,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Whatever your friend's faults, she was still your BF. You enjoyed the time you spent with her and her family and made sacrifices to maintain the friendship. Yes, she was always a private person---but not telling you about moving is over the top. There must be some secret she is hiding that she isn't comfortable telling you. I can only speculate: perhaps, the couple is separating, or having financial or employment problems. Whatever the details, she simply doesn't feel comfortable sharing the information with you or anyone else. That's her loss because I'm sure you would be supportive of her situation.

 

As you describe it, your BF was a moody, jealous, self-centered and possessive woman and you felt ambivalent about the relationship. I give you credit for being flexible enough to adapt to her idiosyncrasies but you really deserve more. Use her move as an opportunity to make other friends. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. If anyone asks what happened, be frank; you have no idea about the circumstances surrounding their move.

 

I know it's particularly difficult for you because you lost what felt like part of your family. They may contact you again when the dust has settled but you need to move forward with your own life and your friendships. This is also a teachable moment for your kids because they will learn that not all friendships last forever.

 

Best,
Irene

 

Have a question about female friendhips?

Ask The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene

I found your book exceedingly helpful but I have a personal question. My closest friend began to pull away from a relationship with me, but she continues to want and seek a close relationship with my siblings (multiple sisters) but not with me.

What is difficult is I still find myself in social and family situations due to her doing things with others in the family but not with me. I can't speak about it to my siblings since I don't want to create a negative situation, but to be honest, I feel a bit as though I am now competing with her for the affections of my family members.

I am at a loss as to how to best allow the friendship to end without feeling awkward at family gatherings. Any advice would be appreciated.

Signed,
Rosie

ANSWER

Dear Rosie:

Admittedly, this isn't any easy situation. It seems odd that your friend would continue to seek out your sisters' company given her decision to end her relationship with you. She has to realize that showing up at your family functions would be potentially uncomfortable for you and for your sisters as well.

You need to talk openly with your sisters and explain what has happened, and tell them how difficult this has been for you. See if they offer any suggestions. At worst, they'll be aware of your feelings but I suspect they'll rally around you.

Let me know how it goes.

Best,
Irene

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I discovered that most of them have an extraordinarily difficult time ending their friendships, even very toxic ones. It's not surprising. Like divorce, the potential losses can be staggering, extending well beyond the friendship per se.

 

That's because when two women are close, they tend to draw others into their circle: family members, neighbors, co-workers, and other friends. For example, if you're best friends with your neighbor, the chances are pretty good that your school-age children are friends, too. The kids may even be the raison d'être for the friendship. If you end your friendship, what repercussions will it have on them? Will they still feel comfortable having play dates? How will you feel when you see your ex-friend at a PTA meeting or on the soccer field?

 

If your friendship was centered in the workplace, there are also substantial risks of collateral damage. If you break off with a colleague, will you lose her support on work matters? Will you feel uncomfortable if you're assigned to work on the same project team or each time you pass her in the hall? Will other people around you, who knew how close you once were, feel awkward or ask questions? Might she say something that would irreparably impugn your reputation? If your ex-friend is in a supervisory role, could it pose a threat to your employment?

Any breakup extends beyond the two people directly involved. The longer and the closer the friendship, the more ties and connections there are to worry about: You may have introduced your friend to your other friends, to your extended family, or to other business associates. She's probably become a significant part of your little corner of the world.

 

So when you weigh the pros and cons of ending a friendship, don't overlook the possible side effects of the breakup and take them into account in making your decision. If you ultimately decide to proceed, do everything you can to mitigate the damage:

• Leave gracefully without harsh words or recrimination. Treat your ex-friend with respect simply because she once was your friend.

• Let her down easily by distancing yourself gradually. Perhaps, you can cut back on your time together from once a day to once a week, or you can downgrade a close friendship to a more casual one.

• Try to make it easier for the people around you by communicating what's happening, if appropriate, without going into details.

 

Admittedly, no two friendships are the same nor are the circumstances surrounding a breakup, but going about it with forethought, understanding and sensitivity helps everyone better adjust to the loss.

LONGER THAN USUAL QUESTION:-)

Hi Irene!

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your website! I am going through a situation and desperately need advice! I have a very close cousin, Coralee, who I’ve basically grown up with like a sister and we’ve been friends most of my life. I am 28, and she is 37. About two years ago, I set her up with a co-worker of mine, a relationship that ended about six months later when he moved to California for another job. During the time she was dating him, I got pregnant. When my husband and I shared our exciting news at a family get-together, she stormed out of the room. I later learned from my co-worker that she was very upset and jealous. She felt that, at 35 years of age, she deserved to have a wonderful husband and to be starting a family instead of me.

When my daughter was three months old and I was getting ready to go back to work, my husband and I decided to move down the street from my parents, so my dad could watch her during the day. Coralee, my other cousin (Faith) and her husband, their parents, and my other aunt all live within about 10 miles of my new house. As a result, what was once an every-other-week get-together with my family, because we lived about 45 minutes away, is now 2 or 3 times a week. We have dinner at my house once a week, dinner at my aunt’s house once a week, and spend every holiday together.

My daughter is now 13 months old, and although Coralee was jealous and angry when I first got pregnant, she is now obsessed with my daughter. Before we moved, I only saw her at family functions and rarely one-on-one but she now sends me text messages and emails incessantly – 3 or 4 times a day and as late as 10:00 or 11:00 at night. And although she sees my daughter at least 2 or 3 times a week, it seems like it is never enough. She wants to come over on my days off, asks me every weekend if I want to go shopping or out to lunch, drops by at my dad’s house while he is watching my daughter, and at least once a month, “suggests” that my husband and I go out on a date so she can babysit. If I don’t respond right away, she sends messages like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me,” or “I haven’t heard from you lately…”

Last weekend, my husband, daughter, and I took a trip to visit my mother-in-law. During the course of this 4-day trip, Coralee sent me five text messages and called me twice, and when I didn’t respond right away because my battery had died, began sending messages to my husband, who was extremely irritated. He got another five text messages and one call from her and responded once to tell her we were safe and that my phone had died. She continued to send messages, saying things like, “I am having withdrawal,” and “I miss you,” and “You obviously don’t feel like texting.”

I chose not to respond because I knew it would lead to a very long string of texting that I didn’t have time for, considering I was already stressed making sure my daughter was fed, got her naps in an environment she was unfamiliar with, and didn’t break any of my mother-in-law’s things or toddle down the stairs. I also wanted to enjoy the vacation with my daughter and husband.

When we got home, I called my mom to ask for advice. She told me to call Coralee’s mom and see what she thought I should do. Well, when I called my aunt, as my uncle was handing the phone to her, I heard Coralee’s voice in the background yelling, “Why does she call you and not me?”

I didn’t realize Coralee was going to be over there for dinner when I called, so I was in a very uncomfortable situation at that point. My aunt went to the other room to talk to me, and I told her that things were getting really bad with Coralee and the texting and calling were getting to be too much. My aunt said she would talk to her that night. The next day, I emailed my other cousin, Faith. I am very close with Faith and explained what had happened on our vacation and my conversation with my aunt the night before.

This is not the first time Coralee has been told to back off. Faith has told her in the past that she is too needy (with me and with her other friends), and she often drops hints to Coralee that she should let us have some family time. As Coralee’s younger sister, she has always felt that Coralee is possessive of her, too. Coralee has been raised to think that she can have anything she wants. Her parents have never said no to her. So even Faith became like a doll that she could control.

As a result, she has very few friends and no significant other. She no longer has any hobbies, as she quit boxing and working out when she had a fallout with her trainer. She is a high school teacher and gets off work around 1:00PM with not much to do for the rest of the day. I feel like my daughter has become the only thing she looks forward to in her life.

I love Coralee, and I’m grateful my daughter has people in her family that love and support her, but I am becoming very angry about this situation. Coralee does not respect my time or space. She doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t always have time to be in constant communication with her. I just want to be able to come home, spend time with my daughter and husband, and relax and go to bed without feeling like I have another person’s needs to tend to.

With a one-year old, I barely have time to wash my own hair or shave my legs most of the time, let alone fulfill Coralee’s need for companionship. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is to come home from a 10 1⁄2 hour day at work after spending 40 minutes in heavy traffic and then feed, bathe, change, and put a squirmy wormy tired baby to bed every night, and then scarf down my dinner and collapse into bed. Of course I would not change having my daughter for anything in the world, but sometimes I just get exhausted, and it is HARD!

Coralee just doesn’t seem to understand that. On top of that, I don’t believe it is healthy for my daughter to have someone in her life, who is obsessed with her and thinks she can do no wrong. Coralee has often made comments that my daughter is “perfect,” and I don’t like the message that may send. Even though I have unconditional love for my daughter, I realize that she is just human like everybody else and will most definitely make some mistakes. If I treated her like she was perfect and could do no wrong, she might end up like Coralee, with an unhealthy view of herself and what a true balanced relationship should look like.

I know Coralee needs to see a counselor, but I also know if I were to suggest it, she would be livid and probably not speak to me for months. Although my aunt said Coralee’s embarrassed by this whole thing, she has yet to contact me to apologize since my aunt talked to her on Tuesday. How should I handle this situation without creating more of a rift in the family?

Frustrated yet hopeful,
Mimi

ANSWER

Hi Mimi:

Although you are fond of your cousin, you sound appropriately miffed at her jealousy, possessiveness and intrusiveness. Coralee hasn't been able to accept the changes in your life as you took on the new roles of a wife and then a mother.

But you haven’t done a good job either--in terms of establishing appropriate boundaries and communicating candidly with her about your own needs. Because she is so demanding, you may have to be very direct in setting limits about how often and how late she can call, for example, and about how much time she can spend with your daughter. Coralee shouldn’t have to hear this from her mother. You need to have a heart-to-heart with Coralee herself or this situation is going to fester to the point of a blow-up.

Another caution: Even if you are blunt, Coralee still may not “get it” first time around but at least you will have been forthright and given her the feedback she needs. Yes, she needs to get a life of her own and find other people and things she enjoys. Freeing up some of her time, the time she now spends on you and your daughter, may leave her holes that she will fill with new relationships and interests.

Being cousins as well as friends adds an additional level of complexity to your relationship. Even though your friendship has turned rocky, the fact that you have such strong family connections has kept you close. Since you appreciate and value the importance of kin, be careful to avoid a rift that could rapidly deteriorate into a family feud if other people are asked to get involved and take sides.

Since you are more whole than Coralee, extend the olive branch to her. Apologize for not being direct in the past. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the love she shows for your family but tell her in no uncertain terms that you need more time and space for you and your immediate family.

Let us know how things turn out.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Irene,

I had a wonderful friendship with a female friend for the past five years. But, our friendship ended recently due to her being angry at me for cancelling my plans to attend her concert last Sunday.

My son's birthday party ended up being on the same day, so I felt that my family comes first. I made the mistake of requesting that she reimburse me for the cost of my ticket for the concert. Now, she won't return any of my voice mail messages, even though I let her know that I was sorry and that I value our friendship. I even invited her to have lunch at my home so that we could talk. I can't just show up at her doorstep, yet I feel a big void and want to re-connect with her.

She sent me a note that said that I "conveniently forgot" to pay her for a concert that we went to three summers ago. Had she reminded me, I would have gladly paid her the money I owed her. But, it was purely an oversight on my part. Her other note said, "Have a good life...I'll be praying for you." Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt when I read it.

Should I just let it go and accept the fact that our friendship is over, or should I continue to try to contact her? She has given the "silent treatment" to someone else that used to be her friend, too

Signed,

Renee

ANSWER

Dear Renee,

It sounds like there is something inherently wrong with this friendship. A solid friendship would never end over this misunderstanding alone.

How could a friend be so self-centered to expect you to attend her concert rather than your son’s birthday party? Whether or not she is a mother herself, doesn’t she understand how you feel about your son?

How could you ask her to reimburse you for the tickets when it was you who changed your mind? And didn’t you expect that she might be disappointed? Asking for the money back was insulting.

How could she seethe for three years about money she thought you "conveniently forgot to pay her" without saying something soonerr?

You both need to think about whether this is a friendship worth saving. And you can’t make your friend talk to you if she isn’t able to or doesn’t want to.

For now, let go and give the friendship a break. If you want to clear your conscience, send her the money you owe her.

If she approaches you again, you can try to talk candidly about what happened. If that doesn’t happen, it’s over. I hope this is helpful. Let us know what happens.

Best,

Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a friend who was always interesting to talk to because we had interests in common. I always wondered how she could manage so many activities in addition to her work.

Unfortunately, some time ago, she developed a serious illness for which she is now being treated. She has been attempting to regain her formerly busy lifestyle. While helping her at her home, I got to know her better and see how her personality may have even contributed to her becoming ill. She puts herself under needless stress. Hers was a dysfunctional lifestyle that emphasized overachieving and helping everyone -- even if they didn't ask for it.

Maybe I should have backed off because I sensed that I was being leaned on out of proportion to the situation. To those family or relatives who could help, she barely delegates anything, and excuses others who say they are too busy. However, the people she is leaning on are not related to her and are just as busy with obligations, if not more.  

I stopped contacting her about two weeks ago and feel guilty because I know that coping with her health problem is not a picnic. It is somewhat flattering to be leaned on. However, I am happy having this "vacation" as I feel trapped when I think about contacting her again. I rarely have given her advice and rarely have stated my opinions about what she has been doing in her life. I am afraid that if I go back to contacting her, I may finally tell her my opinions and then I'll be sorry. Thanks for any suggestions about how I can handle this situation.  

Signed,
Trapped

ANSWER

Dear Trapped,

Whenever a friend has a serious illness, it also takes a toll on her female friends. The people around her may feel a range of emotions including guilt, anger, sadness, and fear. You haven’t told me the nature of your friend’s illness but it sounds like your friend is a classic portrait of a “woman who does too much.” She liked to have friends lean on her and now expects the same from her friends. Not too unreasonable an expectation, I think, if she can have it her way.

You felt you desperately needed a vacation because your relationship with her had crossed the line and was toxic. You were complicit in allowing her to lean on you excessively, without letting her know when it was getting to be too much for you. Instead, you simply escaped.

If you want to have a more comfortable and mutually satisfying relationship with your friend, you need to be candid and set some realistic boundaries regarding where your helpfulness starts and stops, and what you are willing to do for her and what you are not. She may need and ask for more help now than before, so it can get a little tricky.

Whether, or how, her personality may have contributed to her illness is somewhat speculative and probably irrelevant because you aren’t going to change her. Realistically, you can only work on yourself by recognizing that relationships don’t have to be “all or none.” You don’t have to acquiesce to all her needs. If you decide to resume your relationship with your friend, you need to work at shaping it so that it is more reciprocal.

My best,

Irene

 

Last night’s second season premiere of Lipstick Jungle on NBC, called Pandora’s Box, offers women a teachable friendship moment. We learn that Nico (Kim Raver) is plagued with guilt over her affair with her young stud, Kirby, and is desperate to save her marriage.

 

She tells her husband Charles (Christopher Cousins) about her indiscretion with her young stud, Kirby, only to later find out that Charles was having a long-term affair with one of his students, Megan, who has become pregnant. Within 24 hours, Charles dies unexpectedly in a hospital recovery room after double-bypass surgery. Nico is left shaken, with a mélange of conflicted feelings, and has to hastily arrange his funeral.

 

THE MOMENT:
Clearly distraught, Nico is surrounded and supported by her best friends, Wendy (Brooke Shields) and Victory (Lindsay Price) and one of them asks her:  “Is there anyone here from your family?” Even though there was no one, we know that Nico will be okay because she her friends are beside her. 

Everyone isn’t fortunate enough to have the types of family ties or family members they wish they had. But we are able to make and choose our friends.

Dear Irene,

 

I have a long time friend who was a single mother just like me when we first met ten years ago. I knew she was a headstrong and opinionated early on and accepted that. However, I’ve always worried a bit about her. She had a traumatic childhood; she was adopted after her mother, a drug addict, who gave her up at the age of 5.

 

I kept the friendship almost out of pity because I knew she felt she could always turn to me. She loses friends easily due to her tendency to be mean and hurtful. I could write a book about all the hateful things she has said to me and it would take volumes to write all the negatives things she said about my child. I put this aside because she has a good heart in there somewhere. She is very smart, clever and used to be fun, and our friendship centered on getting together to let our kids play. Over the years, I become like an Aunt to her first son.

 

I went on to get married; she did too. She married for money, clearly stating to me and her family that her life plan was to marry someone with money, have a few more kids and never ever, ever have to work. This kind of stunned me but I sort of brushed it off. Now, she flaunts her husband's money, and often makes snide remarks about my husband's occupation. She is rude to me, her family, and especially to wait staff, baristas, anyone in the service industry, as if she is a queen. She calls her husband a “meal ticket” and continues to cheat on him, saying she’s not attracted to him. She recently moved away with her family but she hardly spent any time with me before she moved, and I have to say, I was relieved not to spend time with her.

 

Here is the problem. I had planned to call her after she settled in her new home to finally confront her and let her know we’ve grown apart and that I need to move on. Before I did, her mother called me very upset. When I told her mother, she didn’t even know that Claire had moved. Turns out her entire family is furious with her for becoming a snob, being rude to them all, and excluding them from her life. She had a fight with her mother several months before and they haven’t talked since. The sad thing is her mother has cancer, and because my friend is so self absorbed she doesn’t even know.

 

I want to pick up the phone and just unleash on this person I used to know! But, I have been asked not to divulge that I spoke to her mother. Yesterday, her brother called and said he wanted me to know that he hates his "ex-sister" and that if I do speak to her that the family is very angry with her. Now I am stuck and have no idea what to do. I am not outraged, more just disappointed and annoyed and ready to move on but I have this nagging feeling that I should confront her before her family members let on that they spoke to me. I just can't find the courage to do it! Please send your suggestions.

Signed,

Anonymous in Florida

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Dear Anonymous in Florida:

 

First, you should be congratulated on having such keen insight into your fractured friendship. You realize the factors that brought you and Claire together: sharing the experience of being single moms and your understanding and acceptance of someone who had a hard time in life. You also realize the downsides of the friendship that you initially overlooked but caused it to end.

 

After each of you married, the vast discrepancy between your values towards marriage/family and Claire’s become obvious. With her new involvements with both a husband and lover---as well as a geographical move---seems like your friendship just took a natural course and drifted apart, which was a fine resolution on both ends. (It’s common to feel like there hasn’t been closure when two people drift apart although it really is a type of closure.)

 

Then you somehow got involved in discussions with Claire’s family which has indirectly involved you with this toxic person again. I understand how this could easily happen but it was a mistake on your part. There is no need to confront Claire over her transgressions or lack of character or to report them to her family; they are well aware of her foibles. To the contrary, you need to extricate yourself from her family drama. Don’t call her relatives and if they call you again, you can honestly say that you are Claire have parted ways and you really aren’t in touch with her anymore. Her mom’s illness is a sad fact but there is nothing you can do about it.

 

This fractured friendship has really been over for some time. Unleashing isn't a sign of courage and won't repair what's broken. Now, it’s time for you to more forward and replace it with healthier relationships with people you respect. By the way: Don’t be surprised if you hear from Claire again around the time of her divorce. Hopefully, if that comes to pass, you will be prepared and you’ll be too busy and involved with others---who deserve a friend like you---to get sucked in again.

 

Hope this helps a little.

 

My best,

Irene