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Hello Irene,

I recently lost a best friend whom I'll call "Y." Another friend, "K," approached me to organize a Halloween party at my house a few weeks ago. I agreed with one condition: She had to help me with food, drinks, etc. I invited my other friends, including my best friend "Y."

I didn't ask my BF or any other guests for help because I felt that I should take care of the planning with "K." My BF didn't seem too excited about the party from the beginning. She didn't want to dress up and I told her she didn't have to.

As it turned out, my BF felt that I excluded her from the party planning and decided not to go. I talked to her about it on the Monday following the Saturday night party. She was mad and didn't want to talk. I apologized for making her feel left out and tried to explain why I didn't ask her for help. I guess an apology wasn't enough. We work together and we used to take breaks and have lunch together. Since the day I tried to apologize, she's avoided me. I've asked her to take breaks with me and she's said no. She is taking her lunch at a different time; I think she doesn't want to see me.

I stopped asking her or trying to talk to her. Am I doing the right thing? Should I keep insisting or move on? It's so hard for me to accept that our friendship is over. Please advise what to do. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Moira

ANSWER

Dear Moira:

What seems like a minor slight to one friend can be blown out of proportion by another. For example, some BFs want exclusive relationships and can't tolerate the idea of sharing their BF with anyone else. It sounds like "Y" was hurt and jealous that you planned the party with "K" and that she, as your BF, didn't play a prominent role in the event. Perhaps, "Y" is a one-woman woman.

Some people, especially those who are shy, don't enjoy dressing up for Halloween or being with large groups. You say that your BF was unenthusiastic about the whole idea of the party from the beginning. Perhaps, she's not a party animal and felt a disconnect with you because you are more social.

The misunderstanding about the party, by itself, doesn't carry enough weight to be an automatic "friendship-killer." You didn't intentionally try to hurt her and the apology you made was timely and sincere. Could it be that there was something else going on all along between you, prior to this incident? Do you think she may have seized upon this minor slight as an excuse to end the friendship?

It's always uncomfortable when there is a schism between two close friends, especially if they work together. Call or send your BF an email saying that you miss her friendship and ask her if you can make plans for dinner together so you can talk it through. If she doesn't respond, it sounds like you've gone as far as you can in trying to patch up a slight that became magnified for reasons you can't fathom.

Regardless of how she responds, try to be cordial and friendly because you both need to maintain a sense of professionalism in the workplace.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am thrilled to have found your blog, and I also loved your article on Girlfriend Celebrations, Avoid These Five Common Pitfalls of Female Friendship. Thank you in advance for providing the advice and support you do.

I am 42 years old and blessed with two fantastic children, a loving and loyal husband, a supportive family, a great new career, and a lovely community. When I became a mother 14 ½ years ago, I really came into my own and developed many healthy wonderful female relationships. There were times when I felt jealous or confused when a best friend of mine began to develop a new close relationship because my nature is to be "monogamous." In other words, I only need one super intimate friendship at once, and can have other friendships as well, but don’t give those friendships the same time, attention, and preference. I want to desperately change this quality because I'm feeling very alone in my belief system.

I've learned that the majority of women seek multiple best friendships—or they want to have one best friend whom they know will always be there in a crisis, but love and seek the emotional high of "falling in love" with a new friend. I liken the scenario to innocently "going to first base" with other men despite being married.

I'm not saying that I want to fully adopt the belief system described above, I just want to learn how to better accept it as the norm, to forgive my current "best friend" for living this way and to learn how to enjoy the possibilities that come along with partially embracing this style. I appreciate your candor and look forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
Candy

ANSWER

Dear Candy:

You sound fortunate because you are juggling a wealth of riches: marriage, motherhood, career, community—and close friendships.

Opting to have one best friend or more than one best friend isn’t a matter of right or wrong. Several of the pros for having multiple best friends are: 1) You don’t have to depend entirely on any one person to have all your friendship needs fulfilled; 2) Having different best friends can be rewarding to you in different ways; each one may bring different qualities to your relationship and your life; and 3) If a best friendship falls apart, you have another close friendship to fall back upon.

While you may be content having one best friend exclusively, you need to understand that there are valid reasons why one or more of your friends may choose not to be “monogamous” with you and you shouldn’t take it personally. These differences are a matter of personality and style.

Remember that your relationship with a best friend is unique---and unlike any other relationship that either of you have. You don’t need to change your ways but don’t try to change your friend either. Be forgiving, rather than jealous, and allow your friend the space she needs to express herself in a way that feels right for her. If you make her feel guilty or like she is doing something wrong by befriending other women, you will only drive her away. If her life is happy and full, like yours, it will only make her a better friend.

Hope this is helpful!

My best,
Irene