etiquette

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

My BFF from high school and I were so tight--even beyond our school years. We never had a falling out or a fight, just suddenly stopped talking a few years ago. I friended her on Facebook recently. She friended me back...and then, total silence on both our parts for many, many months.

It's awkward. I still do care about her dearly. So strange to look at her life without me in it in any way. She feels like a stranger. Was it wrong to request her friendship on Facebook before clearing the air? Should I let more time pass? Make the first move? Any advice you can share about a failed friendship and Facebook would be very helpful!

Janene

ANSWER

Dear Janene:

During the high school and college years, women (and men) change tremendously as they begin to mature and pursue their life goals, both personal and professional. Because so much change takes place, it's common for friendships, even very close ones, to fall apart as lives and interests diverge.

Since you friended your BFF on Facebook and she responded, there must still be some warm feelings between you. But they may be based on shared history alone rather than based on a connection between the two people you have become.

She has become somewhat of a stranger to you now as you are to her. Why don't you send her an email or private message on Facebook and tell her a little bit about your life since you last knew each other? You can mention that you think of her dearly. See if she responds.

But please don't think of the friendship you had as one that failed. It worked for that period of time. And don't have unrealistic expectations of picking it up where you left it because it may or may not work now.

In any case, you have little to lose by reaching out and trying.

Best,
Irene

This blog post originally appeared on the Long Island Exchange relationship blog of Janene Mascarella.

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

When you break up with a female friend, is it really necessary to "give advice" about what they should do in the future, or is it better to focus on the problems within the relationship you were personally involved with?

I just got dumped by a friend who went on to say some very hurtful things under the guise of giving advice and saying she still cared about me, even if she didn't want to be friends anymore. It just felt like having salt rubbed into the wound -- she insulted my parents, my family, me, and cast doubt on my other relationships (none of which I'd been having trouble with), all while supposedly trying to help me be a better friend. I know she was just trying to give me a good explanation, but was it really necessary?

I've always tried to focus just on why it wasn't working for me when I end a friendship, not try to give advice on how they should behave with other friends; it just seems like it's enough to leave it implied. I also do a bit of the "It's not you, it's me" approach if I really care about the person but just can't handle them anymore, since I don't believe in putting all the blame on the other person when breaking up even if I feel that way --it just seems too hurtful/unfair. Is this correct, or is it okay to come out and say that it was all the other person's fault?

And when you break up with a friend, do you also unfriend them on Facebook/MySpace? What am I supposed to think if she tells me she has no desire to have me in her life, then doesn't unfriend me on Facebook?

Signed,
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous,

Just as knowing what to say at a time of loss (e.g. a death) is always awkward, there is no commonly accepted protocol for breaking off a female friendship. That said, my thinking is that if an individual decides to unilaterally end a relationship, leaving no room for discussion, she should take responsibility for her decision and do whatever she can to allow the other person to feel unscathed.

Although your friend rationalized her bluntness by saying she was trying to help you become a better friend, her explanation doesn’t quite cut it for me.

• She was insensitive about how you might be feeling. Being dumped without warning leaves any woman reeling, so her approach and timing was off if she really wanted to “help” you become a better friend.
• Disparaging your parents and family should have been off bounds; Her relationship was with you, not them.
• It is arrogant and unfair for her to blame the relationship’s demise entirely on you. She failed to recognize that all relationships are defined by two parties, not one. While your ex-friend may not have been able to sustain her relationship with you, other friends don’t seem to have the same problem with you. Did she even consider that it might be her and not you?
• It sounds like she lashed out at you in anger. I’m not sure why. And because of the way she handled it, it has made it extraordinarily difficult for you to ever consider reconciling your relationship.

Since the ball is entirely in her court, I would consider the friendship over unless she comes back with a very good apology and you want to accept it. And if I were you, I would want to be sure to establish a comfortable distance from the woman who just dumped me. I wouldn’t want to know what she was doing and wouldn’t want her to know about me and my relationships. I understand your pain but I think you just need to move on. Taking control and defriending her might help.

Warm wishes,

Irene

David Spark, a new media consultant and producer, interviewed me a few evenings ago on the awkwardness of social network defriending (e.g, taking someone off your friends list on Facebook, Linked In, MySpace, or Twitter). Here is the link to David's piece called The Awkwardness of De-friending. (You may notice that the jury is still out on whether defriending is hyphenated.)

Since there are no commonly accepted rules on the etiquette of how to go about ending face-to-face friendships, imagine how murky the rules of behavior are in defriending in cyberspace. The act of defriending is as easy as hitting a key but your decision can have long-lasting repercussions, both for you and the person you defriend.

My advice: Before you defriend someone, face-to-face or in cyberspace, take time to think before you act. Depending on the nature of your relationship, social media defriending can be the emotional equivalent of being jilted or jilting someone else. If the friendship was once meaningful and you change your mind after you've defriended someone, your relationship will never be the same. Don't let your fingers work more quickly than your mind.

David also wrote a piece published on Mashable, 12 Great Tales of De-friending and another on his own blog When technology tells us we have no friends. You may want to take a look at one of my earlier blog entries too, Online friending and defriending patterns.