envy

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene:

I am in my mid-thirties and have always made and had easy friendships. People really like me and I like them and being liked. All would be well except that I harbor a very strong and miserable envious streak. I cannot bear to see my friends be happy in their romantic relationships. This is the case no matter what my own romantic situation is at the time. It is no less painful for me to see them in love when I'm in a happy and loving relationship than it is when I am completely alone.

 

The very fact that they have "someone" eats me up inside. I find reasons to fight with my friends or be overly critical. I give them advice designed specifically to screw up their relationships. But, because I have such a strong history of being a "good" friend, no one would ever suspect my real motives.

 

I hate this about myself. I am a spiritual, introspective person. But when this envy problem flares up, I feel like a very mean child. Any insight or suggestions would be very welcome. Please know I am sincerely troubled by this condition. I love my friends and hate being this miserable person who wishes the worst for them.

Signed,
Donna

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Donna:

It's natural for even a very good friend to feel envious once in a while when a friend has something she doesn't. For example, a woman might wish she had one friend's good figure or another's quick sense of humor. But these are usually passing feelings that recede in the background because there is an overall sense of balance in the relationship. A friend may have some qualities or characteristics you admire and wish you had, and vice versa.

 

Because, the envy you describe seems to rear its head repeatedly and isn't specific to any one friend or situation, you need to consider the possibility that it stems from your own feelings of possessiveness and insecurity. Why else would you be wishing ill will for people you consider friends?

 

I must say that your problem is somewhat unusual because  it's obvious from your note that you are very uncomfortable, and even feel self-loathing, about feeling the way you do. Someone can't feel good about wishing the worst for her friends. Also, you have to feel ashamed, especially, about acting on your feelings by fighting, being critical, and purposely giving friends bad advice.

 

What doesn't make sense to me is how your friends can overlook this rather fatal flaw in your ability to be a good friend. I believe that it is more transparent than you realize and that it lessens the intimacy of your relationships. Close friendships are built on trust, honesty and respect.

 

If you want to salvage your existing friendships or develop new ones that are mutually satisfying, you need to change your behavior. The fact that you have some insight and are able to admit your peccadilloes to yourself and to me suggests there is hope for you to do so.

 

You might benefit from speaking to someone you trust----perhaps a counselor or mental health professional----to explore what's going on and find out what's making someone who isn't ordinarily a bad person act in ways that are destructive to her and to others.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

You may not be able to picture yourself in a relationship like that of Wendy and her college friend Daphne but in the larger-than-life caricatures of two quintessential New Yorkers, novelist Lucinda Rosenfeld captures the essence of many close female friendships.

 

Daphne Uberoff is stunningly beautiful and has all the trappings of material success; Wendy Murman is a struggling magazine writer, with fertility problems and a slacker husband. As the gap between the two women widens, the jealousy and envy that Wendy harbors grows so extreme that it becomes corrosive.

 

I'm So Happy For You (Back Bay Books, 2009) portrays a less than perfect relationship between best friends that falls short of the romanticized notion we usually read about in novels. As often happens in real life, the huge fissures in this friendship are varnished over with the protective glue of shared history and experiences; the predictability of personalities (despite their peccadilloes); and with having friends and acquaintances in common. In such circumstances, no matter how bad or disappointing a relationship becomes, it's hard to let go.

 

In this breezy, light-hearted and engaging read, Rosenfeld aptly drives home the point that when it comes to best friends, these relationships aren't always as they appear to be.

 

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

I’m an award-winning author with a friendship dilemma. A long time friend has definitely hurt my feelings. She told one of my clients whose memoir I’m writing that she’d Googled my agent and that he was basically a “nobody,” casting doubts upon my agent’s ability to broker a deal on his book and the likeliness of film rights.

It sowed seeds of doubt with my client and caused me a lot of unnecessary time trying to defend my agent who is actually one of the most powerful in the business. In fact, he doesn’t have a website and intentionally keeps a low profile because he’s exclusive and takes on new authors by referral only.

She also told my client that I’m “just a ghost writer,” which is not an accurate account of my abilities and I felt it was said in a disparaging manner and insinuated that she doubted I could pull off a project of this scope. My dilemma is whether or not to send her the note setting the record straight, along with a list of my agent’s top-tier clients.

I am hurt and astonished by her behavior. Should I confront her, or do as my husband counsels and simply have the revenge of a bestseller and boatloads of money from film rights. What are your thoughts? I’m feeling blue, fatigued and having a hard time jumping back into my assignments after this disappointment.

I haven’t responded to her latest email which is all chatty and thanking me for recommending a good book doctor for her manuscript. I don’t have it in me today.

Signed,
Kaila

ANSWER:

Dear Kaila,

I can well understand your feelings of hurt and disappointment. It’s sad when a friend has to tear you down to build herself up. Your “friend” has undermined you with your client, either because she is competitive and envious of your success or because she is clueless and has bad judgment. In either case, you have a friendship problem.

I think that this one will be hard, if not impossible, to remedy. If her envy is the problem, that is something SHE can work on but there isn’t much you can do yourself to make her less envious of you. If she has bad judgment and loose lips, can you trust her enough to involve her or even let her know about your business dealings in the future?

It’s absolutely necessary for you to educate your client about your confidence in your agent---and you’ve learned an important lesson about your friend. You have the choice of cutting her off from you completely or trying to redefine the relationship by setting clear boundaries about what you can comfortably tell her and what you can’t. Perhaps, you need to stay clear of any discussions about your work. But squelching communication about such an important element of your life may doom the friendship. The ball is in your court. Whether your friendship survives this betrayal will be determined by the strength of your ties to one another and how meaningful this friendship is to you overall.

Best of luck with your book!

Sincerely,
Irene

 

Do you have a friendship dilemma that you would like advice about? Use the contact tab above to send your question to me. I try to respond to as many queries as possible; you need not use your real name. If it is bothering you, you can bet that someone else is having similar problems.

 

 

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

 

I was recently made redundant, had been working in a high powered job and decided to move to a different county to explore what it is i actually want to do, have been volunteering to discover, anyway my closest friend whom i've been friends with for over 10 years has hardly been contacting me, any time i'm back home i always make an effort but she hasn't been asking me how i'm getting on just doesn't seem interested and it really hurts because i'm on such a journey and want so much to share it with her but she's always talking about herself and looks bored when i tell her about how i'm doing.

 

I now think that maybe she was envious that i'm off doing something different because she hates her job so much and spends 4 hours a day travelling to and from. It's really bothering me at the moment because i am always supportive of anything she does and i know if it was the other way around i'd be on the phone to her all the time wondering what she's up to. I did confront her and asked her if i had done anything to her and she just disregarded it and started talking about work. any advice on how to handle it would be much appreciated

Signed,

Anonymous

 

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

 

A former neighbor on my block told me in confidence that she was going to move at the end of the school year. She asked me to please not tell a soul---get this, she was worried that other moms wouldn’t agree to playdates with her four-year-son when they found out about the family’s upcoming move.

 

It seemed kind of far-fetched to me at the time but there are people who only want to have friendships of convenience. As long as you are centered in their universe, they will be your friend. But if you move, either geographically or psychologically, they lose interest in the friendship and are unwilling to extend themselves. Perhaps that’s the kind of thinking shared by your friend. She may have written you off because you have left her universe.

 

Another thought: A journey of self-discovery, like the one upon which you have embarked, is rarely as exciting to the friends you’ve left behind as it is to the individual who is on the journey. Your friend may not be interested in the blow-by-blow of the story, but will probably be very interested in how it ends.

 

To meet your own needs to communicate and understand your experience, I would recommend that you keep a journal so that you regularly record your experiences and feelings during this exciting time. I would also suggest that you try to fully immerse yourself and make new friends in your new environment. 

 

Also, don’t write off your friend yet. She may simply be distracted by other things or have some transitory feelings of envy or distance towards you that will abate when you return to her turf. Keep in touch but don't deluge her with the details.

In any event, congratulations on your new beginning!

My best,

Irene

QUESTION:

Hello,

I am a 26-year old female. I have a problem with female friendships. It really annoys me when a friend tries to compete with me. I'll give you an example. My boyfriend recently sent me flowers at work. I told one of my friends and she did not show any happiness for me. Instead, she started talking about her wedding bouquet and how beautiful it was and stuff like that.

I always try to be nice to my friends when something nice happens to them and never start speaking about myself at that moment. I expect the same behavior when something nice happens to me. My problem is that when stuff like that happens it really affects me. Maybe I am overreacting but I just want to find a way of coping with it without messing up my female relationships.

Signed,
Disappointed

ANSWER:

Dear Disappointed,

When your friend heard about the flowers you received, she was only able to think about herself--so she inappropriately spewed out the statement about her wedding bouquet. Sometimes people are so envious of others, or else are so self-centered, that they only think about themselves.

If you want to preserve the relationship with this 'friend,' you need to be honest about how you feel. You could say something like, "Indulge me and give me a few minutes to feel good about the flowers I got---and then we'll talk about your bouquet." Maybe she'll get the hint that it isn't all about her (although I wouldn't bet money on that!)

I suspect that some of your friends are more competitive than others. Don't lump them all together. Perhaps, you can pick and choose. Focus on nurturing the relationships that are more reciprocal. Those are the friends who are more likely to be able to genuinely share your happiness.

You might like to read a prior post I recently wrote about envy among friends. I hope this is helpful to you.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

Just want to say thank you for this blog. I just walked away from a very painful friendship that almost ripped off my self-esteem. It is true that I have not always been the most confident person, but I have never encountered anyone like this before. She is always judgmental, negatively critical, pessimistic, and uses emotional blackmail. When I read your 20 ways to spot a toxic friendship, I answered YES to 16 questions.

It took me a year to finally be decisive and realize that the friendship wasn't worth saving. What pains me the most is the fact that she has always been envious of me even though she has the same things that I have. I never feel comfortable sharing my happiness or success with her. It really hurts because I see her as a sister and have always wished her well so it feels like a betrayal.

Now that I have walked away she accused me of abandoning her and took this opportunity to play the victim in front of others. She keeps saying I hate her and never want to see her again. People have no idea that I am just putting up my boundaries and protecting my mental well-being.

I have been patient, forgiving and understanding over the past three years. All she did was take me for granted. Although it is over, sometimes her negativity still bothers me and some of the hurtful remarks are hard to let go of. Nonetheless, at least now I am certain I no longer want her close to me. I am determined to move on and want nothing to do with her. The writings in your blog help me a lot, knowing that a lot of people have experienced the same thing. So once again, thank you and all the best for your forthcoming book.

Signed,
Bruised

P.S. I hope you will write more about envy among friends. I have experienced it a few times and surprisingly enough, people who are envious of me are almost always those I consider my best friends. I find this very difficult to understand. It is okay to feel jealous of someone - wishing you have what they have. I feel that way sometimes, too. But I am always happy for every success and happiness of my friends, and I never take pleasure in seeing them miserable. It is sad how some people can only sympathize with someone's misery but not their happiness.

ANSWER:

Dear Bruised:

Thanks for raising the topic of envy although I'm sorry that you feel bruised by an envious friend. It is always disappointing when a friend falls short of meeting our expectations.

Because we are all different, it's a natural instinct for each of us to compare ourselves to others. We tend to gauge ourselves by how we stack up against our friends and acquaintances along a variety of dimensions-e.g. looks, intelligence, career success, wealth, material possessions, and social cache. Most times, we realize that while our friend may have X, we are lucky to have Y.

However, women with low self-esteem, or who are depressed, tend to focus exclusively on their shortcomings and are bitter about what they perceive as the advantages or good fortune of others. Taken to its extreme, such an individual can be very self-involved, hostile and cutting. It's natural to feel envious occasionally but if this is a persistent pattern, it can be toxic to a friendship. (By the way, jealousy is an attitude of possessiveness when someone feels that a valued relationship is threatened; envy is a broader concept that can include coveting another person's characteristics or possessions).

An excess of envy makes for an uncomfortable relationship because you can't be open and share your successes. If you do, you run the risk of making your friend feel more badly about herself. After three years, it sounds like you have finally realized that your friend is consistently envious and resentful and you have become confident enough to let go of the friendship. It's unfortunate, but predictable, that your friend felt more threatened and put down, becoming more openly hostile to you when you decided to distance yourself from her.

Stick with your decision because it isn't very likely that your friend will change: She is who she is. On the other hand, make sure that you aren't falling into the trap of choosing best friends who feel one-down to make you feel one-up. Solid friendships need to be reciprocal---with two friends looking up to one another.

My best,

Irene