ending a relationship

QUESTION

Irene,

 

I have spent countless hours trying to understand what happened to my friendship. I'm 63 and Donna is 67. We met at work and shared the same office for about ten years. Donna talks about herself and her problems constantly. Whenever anyone would come into the office, she would monopolize the conversation. Over the years she has told me every personal detail about her kids' drug problems, her kids' marriage problems, that her son that wanted to give up his parental rights to his ex-wife, about her mother's problems, and about her husband's medical problems (he's been quite ill for the past year). I could write a book.

 

Before I retired more than ten years ago, my husband and I purchased a 100-acre parcel bordering her and her husband's property. We built a house, business and barns. Donna and her husband are equestrians but only have 2 acres for their horses. After listening to her talk about her horses, riding, and horse camping for many years, I purchased a horse. For the past 12 years, Donna, her husband, and I have been trail riding on our property together at least twice a week. Donna and I also belong to ladies' riding group and ride together at least 4-5 hours every Tuesday.

 

In June, James and Donna went to visit their son in Lexington. When they returned, they talked about how their son and daughter-in-law couldn't wait for them to leave after the visit. I said, "It would be better if you lived closer and you wouldn't have such long visits." They insisted they weren't ready. During the summer, we continued to ride and they never talked about moving. She did drop comments like "I won't be planting my greenhouse next year" and "James won't be getting wood" and "We won't be able to keep the horses." I assumed James was very ill or maybe she was. Although I was worried about them, I didn't want to ask.

 

Just before they went back for another trip, Donna called and said they had been looking for property, had found a lot on the internet, and would be moving so James could be near their son. I said, "I understand, but I will sure miss you." They left to purchase the property and I went on a weeklong camping trip with several of the gals that ride together.

 

Our rides with Donna and her husband generally lasted about two hours with her talking all the time. James and I can't get a word in edgewise. The rides are always at 1:00 or 1:30PM. If I say I would like to go at 2:30, she says, "No, we need to go earlier." It's her way or the highway.

 

When she called to ride after they returned, she started talking about the nice property they bought, a neighbor she couldn't wait to meet, etc. She went on to say how it was up to her to make sure that all the paperwork was in order. She said they were waiting for a call from the title company and would be going back to Lexington to sign papers. She said, "I caught a huge error when we purchased the lot in June and it fell through."

 

Then I realized she had purchased property in June and hadn't told me until now. I asked why. She said in a very controlling rude voice, "That is my personal business I thought you would be upset". I literally gasped. I said, "I'll see you on the ride" and hung up but didn't go that day and I haven't been on a ride with them since then. I was almost hysterical. My husband said to forget it, but he is a man and doesn't understand.

 

She hasn't called and I haven't either. I see her every Tuesday to ride with the girls. The first time I saw her after the phone call, she came over to my trailer to give me an apple for my horse. I could tell by her face she was embarrassed and didn't know what to say. I thanked her and that was it. I didn't talk to her on the ride. I just can't get past her hiding the fact all summer that they were moving.

 

The worst part of this is I do miss her. Twenty years of friendship is a long time. Also, it is very uncomfortable on Tuesdays with the other gals. They know we aren't talking to each other. I am not friendless. For the past 8 years, I've been riding and camping with another couple and another lady. We go on week camp trips as a foursome. I have other close friends: my bridge partner, my walking partner, etc.)

 

I expect an apology for her rudeness, but that hasn't been forthcoming and I don't think it will be. I feel betrayed. What is your evaluation of this entire scenario of the end of a friendship?

Thank you,
Cara

 

ANSWER

Cara,

 

You sound pretty ambivalent about your friendship. You enjoyed working, riding, and being with Donna enough to sustain a twenty-year friendship but you also are saying now that you could barely tolerate her incessant chatter, rigidity, self-centeredness, and controlling nature.

 

It is definitely strange that Donna felt comfortable to share so many intimate details of her family's life with you but decided that telling you about her impending decision to move was too "personal." I'm also confused why you never asked your friend to explain the comments she made during the summer suggesting that there were going to be major changes taking place in her life. How could you just ignore her comments?

 

I think you are both having a very difficult time ending a long-term friendship that you both enjoyed. My guess is that Donna is upset about her husband's illness and their need to move, about all the changes that are taking place in her life, about her inability to control everything going on around her, and about moving away from you.

 

I think you are feeling a tremendous sense of loss as well that feels like a betrayal. To justify your feelings, you are remembering more negative than positive things about her. You would not have kept the friendship going for so long if it wasn't worth its weight in gold. You have other friends but this was a special friendship that was life changing in terms of all you shared together and because it introduced you to the equestrian world that you now enjoy so much.

 

Don't stand on ceremony waiting for an apology. Allow your friend to have made a mistake in not being explicit. She's leaving and your relationship will be changing as a result. Instead of ending it on an ill note, tell her that you really will miss her and that you hope you can still stay in touch. Not only will this type of reconciliation allow you to feel more comfortable with your friends who are remaining, it will allow you to feel more comfortable about yourself.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

About a year and a half ago I broke up with a friend and I'm still not over it. I was hoping you could offer some insight. I’ve known this girl since 6th grade when she stopped speaking to me over some boy. We became friends again in 7th grade but she always needed a new best friend. She moved out of state in 8th grade and made me promise to go to college in her state.

Well, I did move there and got married (she got married too). The four of us would hang out some but she did the same things as she did in elementary school: she'd just stop calling or she would ask for rides or a babysitter when she needed something and we'd be there to help. But if we needed something she'd just whine and complain. We moved a couple times within the same city and she was always negative about were we lived, saying we lived in a bad neighborhood (when we didn't and we had a brand new house).

Finally my husband and I stopped speaking to them because we felt like we were being used. About 3 years later, I started feeling guilty so I called her to see how she was and she was happy to hear from me. We started hanging out again and things seemed all right. I actually helped her to get a job at the same place where I worked with my husband.

My husband and I started to have problems and were considering a divorce. It turns out that she HATED my husband. She kept encouraging me to divorce him and spread rumors about him at work. Apparently she was talking about me, too, and spreading our personal problems to everyone we worked with. It made work very uncomfortable but she denied saying anything. She told me I shouldn't have told her any of my problems if I didn't want them to be known!

I ended up getting my own place and separating from my husband. I was very depressed and could hardly get out of bed. She was always mad at me for not “snapping out of it”. I eventually went to a doctor and got on anti-depressants and starting seeing a therapist, but she kept talking about me, saying that the anti-depressants weren’t good for me. She told me that I needed to convert to her religion to find happiness and get over the depression.

I agreed to go to church with her a few times but after a couple months decided it wasn't the place for me. When I began studying with a Rabbi she began saying horrible things about Jewish people and constantly told me how “sorry” she was that I was going to hell. I ended up moving out of state for a new job and to start a new life: I had planned to remain friends with her and talk to her from out of state.

Once I moved, she started sending me bible tracts and told me that Hebrew was a “bad language” to learn. Then I received an email with childish insults and name calling from both her and her husband. I just couldn't take it anymore and didn't want to fight, or call names so I just stop talking to her altogether. I deleted all the emails I got from her without ever reading them and changed my phone number.  Now she has befriended my mother on Facebook and constantly leaves my mom messages about how great she is. I feel like she's crossed the line by trying to be friends with my mom or she's displaying some passive aggressive behavior.

I feel a lot of guilt over this and feel like it is immature for me to stop being friends with someone. My life has improved A LOT since I stopped being friends with her and my self-esteem has climbed. Should I feel guilty over this? I feel like it is something that some middle school girls would do but I never imagined adults would stop speaking like this. Should I say something to her about being Facebook friends with my mom? Or do I just let this go?

Signed,
Unable to Let Go

ANSWER:

Dear Unable to Let Go,

I hope that by posting your dilemma on this blog and reading it in black-and-white, it helps clarify your answer to the question you posed: Should I just let this go? When other women write about their friendship dilemmas, the answers are often in shades of gray. This one isn’t.

It sounds like your ex-friend has been possessive, self-centered, negative and controlling from the time she was an adolescent and she still hasn’t outgrown it. While you tolerated her for some time, you and your husband appropriately decided to end the relationship. The same attitudes and behaviors you overlooked in middle school were less acceptable when you saw them appear in an adult.

Like most women, you tried to put a positive spin on your friendship when you attempted to renew it three years later. Then your friend began to encourage you to leave your husband, spread rumors about you and your husband to your colleagues, and betrayed confidences about you to people at work. I can’t help but think that she was alienating you from him and your co-workers so she could have you for herself again. Then she tried to dictate your religious beliefs and showed little sensitivity to or understanding of your values or emotions. Besides, people generally don’t “snap out” of a clinical depression.

Don’t you remember you changed your phone number to avoid contact wit her and even deleted her emails? Why would you ever feel guilty for cutting off a friendship like this one? You deserve so much better.

Why would you want to re-friend someone who has been such a negative influence? Yes, she crossed the line by trying to befriend your mom and there is no point in initiating contact with her over this. However, you should let your mother know how nasty your friend has been to you so she doesn’t get sucked in. The rules of friendship on Facebook are often pretty murky but I would think your mother wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with your ex-friend if she knew how much pain she had caused you.

Clearly, you are feeling happier and more self-confident since you broke off with her. Yet you are guilty and ashamed about separating from a long-time friend. You seem to be tied to they myth that “best friends are forever” but generally, this isn’t the case. Being able to let go, in this situation, wouldn’t be immature; in fact, it would be a sign of your maturity. You need to let go and move on. This woman sounds like a toxic friend.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene