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LONGER THAN USUAL QUESTION:-)

Hi Irene!

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your website! I am going through a situation and desperately need advice! I have a very close cousin, Coralee, who I’ve basically grown up with like a sister and we’ve been friends most of my life. I am 28, and she is 37. About two years ago, I set her up with a co-worker of mine, a relationship that ended about six months later when he moved to California for another job. During the time she was dating him, I got pregnant. When my husband and I shared our exciting news at a family get-together, she stormed out of the room. I later learned from my co-worker that she was very upset and jealous. She felt that, at 35 years of age, she deserved to have a wonderful husband and to be starting a family instead of me.

When my daughter was three months old and I was getting ready to go back to work, my husband and I decided to move down the street from my parents, so my dad could watch her during the day. Coralee, my other cousin (Faith) and her husband, their parents, and my other aunt all live within about 10 miles of my new house. As a result, what was once an every-other-week get-together with my family, because we lived about 45 minutes away, is now 2 or 3 times a week. We have dinner at my house once a week, dinner at my aunt’s house once a week, and spend every holiday together.

My daughter is now 13 months old, and although Coralee was jealous and angry when I first got pregnant, she is now obsessed with my daughter. Before we moved, I only saw her at family functions and rarely one-on-one but she now sends me text messages and emails incessantly – 3 or 4 times a day and as late as 10:00 or 11:00 at night. And although she sees my daughter at least 2 or 3 times a week, it seems like it is never enough. She wants to come over on my days off, asks me every weekend if I want to go shopping or out to lunch, drops by at my dad’s house while he is watching my daughter, and at least once a month, “suggests” that my husband and I go out on a date so she can babysit. If I don’t respond right away, she sends messages like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me,” or “I haven’t heard from you lately…”

Last weekend, my husband, daughter, and I took a trip to visit my mother-in-law. During the course of this 4-day trip, Coralee sent me five text messages and called me twice, and when I didn’t respond right away because my battery had died, began sending messages to my husband, who was extremely irritated. He got another five text messages and one call from her and responded once to tell her we were safe and that my phone had died. She continued to send messages, saying things like, “I am having withdrawal,” and “I miss you,” and “You obviously don’t feel like texting.”

I chose not to respond because I knew it would lead to a very long string of texting that I didn’t have time for, considering I was already stressed making sure my daughter was fed, got her naps in an environment she was unfamiliar with, and didn’t break any of my mother-in-law’s things or toddle down the stairs. I also wanted to enjoy the vacation with my daughter and husband.

When we got home, I called my mom to ask for advice. She told me to call Coralee’s mom and see what she thought I should do. Well, when I called my aunt, as my uncle was handing the phone to her, I heard Coralee’s voice in the background yelling, “Why does she call you and not me?”

I didn’t realize Coralee was going to be over there for dinner when I called, so I was in a very uncomfortable situation at that point. My aunt went to the other room to talk to me, and I told her that things were getting really bad with Coralee and the texting and calling were getting to be too much. My aunt said she would talk to her that night. The next day, I emailed my other cousin, Faith. I am very close with Faith and explained what had happened on our vacation and my conversation with my aunt the night before.

This is not the first time Coralee has been told to back off. Faith has told her in the past that she is too needy (with me and with her other friends), and she often drops hints to Coralee that she should let us have some family time. As Coralee’s younger sister, she has always felt that Coralee is possessive of her, too. Coralee has been raised to think that she can have anything she wants. Her parents have never said no to her. So even Faith became like a doll that she could control.

As a result, she has very few friends and no significant other. She no longer has any hobbies, as she quit boxing and working out when she had a fallout with her trainer. She is a high school teacher and gets off work around 1:00PM with not much to do for the rest of the day. I feel like my daughter has become the only thing she looks forward to in her life.

I love Coralee, and I’m grateful my daughter has people in her family that love and support her, but I am becoming very angry about this situation. Coralee does not respect my time or space. She doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t always have time to be in constant communication with her. I just want to be able to come home, spend time with my daughter and husband, and relax and go to bed without feeling like I have another person’s needs to tend to.

With a one-year old, I barely have time to wash my own hair or shave my legs most of the time, let alone fulfill Coralee’s need for companionship. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is to come home from a 10 1⁄2 hour day at work after spending 40 minutes in heavy traffic and then feed, bathe, change, and put a squirmy wormy tired baby to bed every night, and then scarf down my dinner and collapse into bed. Of course I would not change having my daughter for anything in the world, but sometimes I just get exhausted, and it is HARD!

Coralee just doesn’t seem to understand that. On top of that, I don’t believe it is healthy for my daughter to have someone in her life, who is obsessed with her and thinks she can do no wrong. Coralee has often made comments that my daughter is “perfect,” and I don’t like the message that may send. Even though I have unconditional love for my daughter, I realize that she is just human like everybody else and will most definitely make some mistakes. If I treated her like she was perfect and could do no wrong, she might end up like Coralee, with an unhealthy view of herself and what a true balanced relationship should look like.

I know Coralee needs to see a counselor, but I also know if I were to suggest it, she would be livid and probably not speak to me for months. Although my aunt said Coralee’s embarrassed by this whole thing, she has yet to contact me to apologize since my aunt talked to her on Tuesday. How should I handle this situation without creating more of a rift in the family?

Frustrated yet hopeful,
Mimi

ANSWER

Hi Mimi:

Although you are fond of your cousin, you sound appropriately miffed at her jealousy, possessiveness and intrusiveness. Coralee hasn't been able to accept the changes in your life as you took on the new roles of a wife and then a mother.

But you haven’t done a good job either--in terms of establishing appropriate boundaries and communicating candidly with her about your own needs. Because she is so demanding, you may have to be very direct in setting limits about how often and how late she can call, for example, and about how much time she can spend with your daughter. Coralee shouldn’t have to hear this from her mother. You need to have a heart-to-heart with Coralee herself or this situation is going to fester to the point of a blow-up.

Another caution: Even if you are blunt, Coralee still may not “get it” first time around but at least you will have been forthright and given her the feedback she needs. Yes, she needs to get a life of her own and find other people and things she enjoys. Freeing up some of her time, the time she now spends on you and your daughter, may leave her holes that she will fill with new relationships and interests.

Being cousins as well as friends adds an additional level of complexity to your relationship. Even though your friendship has turned rocky, the fact that you have such strong family connections has kept you close. Since you appreciate and value the importance of kin, be careful to avoid a rift that could rapidly deteriorate into a family feud if other people are asked to get involved and take sides.

Since you are more whole than Coralee, extend the olive branch to her. Apologize for not being direct in the past. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the love she shows for your family but tell her in no uncertain terms that you need more time and space for you and your immediate family.

Let us know how things turn out.

Best,
Irene

Are you a mom who worries because your teenage daughter seems to be incessantly texting or emailing her best friends about her romantic problems? Your worries may be founded.

When adolescent girlfriends rehash the same problems together over and over, they increase their risk of depression and social anxiety. In a study focused on seventh and eighth-graders, Dr. Joanne Davila and Lisa Starr, MA, psychologists at Stony Brook University, studied the effects of co-rumination, first defined by Dr. Amanda Rose (2002) as excessive discussion of problems within friendships---including repeated conversations, conjecture about causes, and heightened focus on negative emotions.

“The abundance of communication technology available to teens today creates an enabling environment for co-rumination,” said investigator Starr in a press release. “Texting, instant messaging, and social networking make it very easy for adolescents to become even more anxious which can lead to depression.”

Conversely, if such discussions are focused on solving problems rather than ruminating about them, these discussions can generate positive solutions and contribute to emotional well-being. The new research findings were published in the February issue of the Journal of Adolescence.

This study builds upon research (discussed in a previous blog post) by Amanda Rose and colleagues at the University of Missouri-Columbia that also challenged the conventional wisdom: that it’s always good for adolescent girls to get problems “off their chest” by talking about them to close friends. Taken together both of these studies suggest that parents need to be alert to too much of a good thing. Hopefully, future studies will examine the effects of co-rumination among other age groups.

Source: Press Release, January 27, 2009, Excessive Discussion of Problems Between Adolescent Friends May Lead To Depression and Anxiety  

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

I have a much older friend than myself. She is old enough to be my Mum and I do think of her as a second Mum. We've been through a lot together, and she has fulfilled the gap of being my Mum. I have a family and husband myself but have not been close to my parents. That's another story.

The problem is my friend has been distancing herself from me the last couple of months and I don't really know why. She says she is busy with family and other commitments. I have asked if we could meet up for a face-to-face chat about our relationship but she always says she's busy, however we have been corresponding via e-mail and now our e-mails have become 'messy' and I think I've become misunderstood in what I am trying to say.

I love her dearly and I miss our outings and phone calls. I don't know what to do. I think I have really messed things up or maybe she feels that I'm too demanding. The thing is I don't really know without speaking to her. I think she is trying to give me the brush off without hurting my feelings. I don't want our friendship to end but if it is over I'll have to move on and accept that. Do you have any advice you could give?

Thanks
Alice

ANSWER:

Hi Alice,

When it's nearly impossible to make sense of a situation, it is usually because you are missing a piece of information. Similarly, in your case, you really don't know what is going on, because your "Second Mum' hasn't been willing to share the missing piece of the puzzle with you.

It could be that there are things going on in her life, completely unrelated to you, which are consuming her time or emotions. Or, as you suggest, it could be that you have become too needy or demanding, relying on her too much, and she wants some distance.

Whatever the reasons, it must be frustrating that you can't talk openly with her on the phone or face-to-face, and as you've found, it's very difficult to resolve emotionally charged topics by email.

Could you try writing a letter to her, snail mail, expressing how important the relationship has been to you in the past and how much you value it? You could tell her that you recognize that she wants more space and that you respect her feelings. Then you will have to wait and see what happens. Whatever the outcome, you will have taken an active (and gracious) step in trying to seek conciliation or resolution, and in expressing your love.

Then when you've done that, focus on other people and things in your life so that you aren't completely focused on this loss, which may or may not be permanent.

Thanks for sharing your situation. I hope that it resolves in a way that brings you some closure.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I met my friend “Amanda” in high school. I was a junior and she was a freshman, so we’ve been best friends (BFFs) for 9 years. Our friendship over the years has survived a lot. The trouble I am having is deciding whether I should hold on to the friendship or not? And the reason why I am asking is because ever since a certain incident occurred, we haven’t talked. Okay, so here’s the story:

I was talking to Amanda on the phone (on June 30th) and she was telling me about her weekend and she mentioned; “I saw Steve this weekend at my mom’s house.” And I replied “Um…oh yeah and how did he get inside your mom’s house?” and Amanda said, “Oh, my mom invited him over” and I replied “What a f**king whore!!!!”

Amanda gasped and said, “Oh, my god” and I replied quickly “Oh, my god, I’m sooo sorry, I soooo didn’t mean to say those words; I just meant to say… Is your mom not thinking clearly by inviting the man over that had been verbally and emotionally abusing you for four years??!?!?!?”

Amanda answered, “I know you’re sorry but I can’t talk to you right now.” So we hung up and I thought I would give her a couple days to me mad at me and then I would contact her. Well about two weeks later, after no phone calls or e-mails, I decided I would write her and make the first step in fixing what I broke (which I don’t think I should have been doing in the first place because after 9+ years of friendship I would think she knew I didn’t mean those words literally and I didn’t think we had a line drawn in our friendship for me to even cross).

So on 07/14, I decided to write her:

Hey there, BFF, I just want you to know that I love you and will always love you. I support you and will always support you. I will always be here for you when you need me. I know I express my opinions without thinking of the consequences...but you are still my #1.

With no response back I wrote her again on July 17th:

I sent you a Gmail and was wondering if you were ready to talk yet?

Her response 2 minutes later:

Yea, I got it and to be honest I really don’t think that emails and texting is the way to go...When you are ready to call me and give me an apology, then we can talk.

My response 30 minutes later:

I do apologize for the bad choice of words that I used; there was no malicious attempt. I didn't mean what I said literally. It was just bad choice of words.

She hasn’t written back, called, texted …nothing. Soooooo what do I do I am stuck!! Thank you so much for your help!

Signed,
Stuck in Sunnyvale

ANSWER:

Dear Stuck in Sunnyvale:

I don’t think that things are as hopeless as they seem.

Think of it this way: You responded protectively because you care about Amanda and didn’t want to see her getting involved in the same abusive relationship again. Sometimes, it’s hard for women to extricate themselves from bad relationships even though they should. At times like this, having a supportive friend like you can make all the difference in the world.

By the way, I’m not sure what Amanda’s mom was thinking or whether she was involved in this scenario at all but that’s really immaterial to your dilemma.

Amanda realizes she made a mistake and disappointed you (as well as herself). But as you realize, she got caught up in your choice of words rather than hearing your message. That can happen when two people are upset, even BFFs. The fact that Amanda told you about her mistake shows how much she trusts you and counts on you. The fact that you both tried to communicate afterwards shows that you really have a strong relationship.

Anyone involved in an abusive relationship has to feel badly about herself. She is probably having a hard time and needs your support more than ever. Don’t dig your feet into the ground on this one. You are a true friend. Call her and apologize for your choice of language and tell her you really care about her and want to be there for her. You want to TALK, not text or email.

My guess is that you will become “unstuck” before you know it.

My best,

Irene

When I picked up the mail last week, I was pleasantly surprised to find a brief note from my friend Linda hand-written on beautiful stationary.

Although Linda and I now live several states apart, we stay in touch by cell phone and email---usually several times a day. But there was something special about her note.

I immediately realized that Linda, who is probably as busy as me and you, stopped what she was doing and took the time to write a couple of paragraphs. It made me smile inside and out. Yes, email is quicker but her taking the time to slow down to tell me how much my friendship meant to her was more precious.

I reached out to Sandra Lamb, author of Personal Notes: How to Write from the Heart for Any Occasion to pick her brain about the topic:

Question: Is there still a place for personal notes between female friends in a world laden with email, social media sites, and cell phones? Have such notes become dinosaurs or ironically, perhaps, has technology made them all the more special?

Answer: Email is great, and always welcome, and so are the communications that occur on social media sites. And it's always good to have a heart-to-heart chat on the phone. All three offer the possibilities of an immediate and intimate connection. But, yes, there's still something very special about going to the mailbox and seeing an envelope that contains a personal message, complete with a handwritten address--your name and your address. It says more clearly than these other methods of communications that the writer has committed time, care, thought and deliberate action to make a personal connection.

Question: In your experience, is writing personal notes an art form that can be polished?

Answer: Yes, writing personal notes is an art form that can be polished and perfected until it sparkles like gold. There is something quite wonderful in the very act of writing by hand that allows us to go into the very deepest and truest parts of ourselves. What a wonderful way to create strong and lasting bonds of connection.

Question: Since Mother’s Day is approaching, what are your thoughts about personal notes between mothers and daughters?

Answer: The habit of writing personal notes to each other can create a rich, true, and cherished legacy for mothers and daughters. These heartfelt connections can be preserved and shared over generations. It's something that may well be missing in our society so it's well worth the effort of reinstating.

If you aren't sure what to write, when to write, or how to say it to a friend, Lamb's book will inspire you to find just the right words to express what's in your heart.

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This social effect cuts across age groups:...

There is a lot to learn about friendships from what has been called the "largest-ever global survey" of how kids interact with digital technology. MTV and Nickelodeon, in association with Microsoft Digital Advertising Solutions, used both quantitative and qualitative methodologies to talk to 18,000 “tech-embracing” kids (ages 8-14) and young people (14-24) in 16 countries.

The findings from the Circuits of Cool/Digital Playground study found...

Now we call it “snail mail.” For those of us who were born in the slice of time after telephones and fax machines---and before email, IMs, and text messages---writing a letter was a common way to stay in touch with family and friends across the miles...