divorce

It's always nice to hear about a special friendship but especially on Best Friends Day! So I was delighted that my friend and colleague, Judy Kirkwood, contributed this guest post today.

Every Last One (Random House, 2010) is a beautifully written, gripping novel by Pulitzer Prize winning columnist and author Anna Quindlen. Told in the first-person, Mary Beth Latham is a mom of three teens, who is married to an ophthalmologist. She works as a part-time landscaper in her small town but is totally devoted to her children. Then the family endures an unimaginable tragedy one New Year's Eve that shatters the routines of their comfortable world, dividing Mary Beth's life into before and after.

 

Quindlen's layered depiction of marriage, home, children and friendship are so authentic that you feel like her characters might be the family next door. What I found most provocative about this haunting story, however, was the author's ability to describe the invisible boundaries and "vows of silence" that characterize our relationships with family and friends. Like many moms, Mary Beth wrestles with when she should "mother' and when she should allow her growing teens to make their own decisions. After the tragedy, Mary Beth says, "Small talk feels too small; big talk too enormous." The book reminds the reader that words unsaid can powerfully affect our lives and relationships.

 

Are there "words unsaid" that have affected a close friendship of yours?

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.  

Whether it's an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover, most women would immediately dismiss the possibility of negotiating a real friendship with a living apparition from their partner's past. Admittedly, these relationships are thorny but they can have some upsides. My friend, life coach Lauree Ostrofsky of the Washington, DC area, offered to pen (keyboard) a guest post on the topic of befriending an ex- and here it is:

 

Not a topic often discussed, being friends with your partner's ex. But I am. She's really nice. The X factor is a challenge to navigate in any relationship. Most people I spoke to have a strict policy on the subject. "I never speak to ex's" was the most common. Followed by: "We're amicable and that's it."

 

So how did I get myself into this? Well for one, I'm new in town having just moved to Washington, DC from Manhattan six months ago. I was looking for female friends who like things I do -- art, eating out, talking about life. The guy I'm dating knew just the person: his ex-girlfriend.

 

Hold on, I thought, this can't be good. Love me, love my ex? None of my friends were keen on it either. But I figured, I should at least meet her before making a judgment...Right? I'm glad I did. She does like many of the same things I do. She has a boyfriend, and we've even double-dated.

 

Sometimes though, if I'm being completely truthful, it also feels really weird. For one, my relationship is still new. These two have known each other for a decade, share private jokes, and, I'll say it, have seen each other naked. I'd be lying if I said I didn't once in awhile feel like this was a contest I might lose.

 

I don't normally shy away from tough topics as readers of my blog know well - surgery and divorce are just two examples - but this one has nearly got me beat. I think it's hard to write about it because I'm owning up to a weakness of mine. For all my life coach-y ways, I'm human after all and it is maddening.

 

To get out of my own head I spoke to another friend, Linda, who has some wisdom on the subject. She is friendly with her ex-husband's new wife. Her thoughts helped me see the following options:

 

* Separate your feelings

Whether it is your ex's new wife, or your partner's ex, it helps to separate your feelings for one person from your possible feelings for this new person. In my case, I'm glad I did because I gained a good friend out of it.

 

* Get to know this person directly

My first conversation with my partner's ex was alone at an art festival. We met each other in the lobby having never seen one another before. Talk about a "first date"!

 

* Be inclusive

This is especially important where, in Linda's case, there are children or pets involved. If she hosts a birthday party, for example, they get an invite and they do the same in return. She said it's helped everyone feel more comfortable.

 

* Focus on what really matters

Like the previous point, with children or pets in the picture it's about priorities. Those aren't factors for me, but my feelings are just as important. It means doing what feels right instead of being a martyr about it.

 

Am I missing other options for navigating these X-factor relationships? Or, do you have your own experiences to share? I'm all ears (and eyes)!

 
Lauree Ostrofsky helps clients get clear and creative about they really want and how to go after it --- whether it's launching a new business; improving their relationships; or living each day more fully awake. Check out Lauree's website, and follow her on Twitter @simplyleapcoach.

 

Although it's sometimes hard to accept, life never evolves like a fairy tale. Journalist and author Irene Zutell's latest novel, Pieces of Happily Ever After (St. Martin's Griffin, 2009), sensitively captures the inevitable struggles that women encounter along the way, including: infidelity, divorce, balancing care for children and parents, juggling work and family, growing up, achieving independence, losing friends and making them.

 

You'll meet protagonist Alice Hirsch, a PR guru, who is married to Alex, an entertainment lawyer. They have a precocious five-year-old daughter and Alice is the primary caregiver for her mom, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When Alice's husband suddenly dumps her, very publicly, for a Hollywood starlet, she has to find a way to dig herself out of her problems and repair her damaged self-esteem. With the support of her "mommy friends," a cast of equally interesting and well-developed characters, Alice is not only rescued but finds she is able to define her own "happily ever after."

 

Set in California's San Fernando Valley, this story could well take place in any middle-class suburb. This particular backdrop provides a vehicle for the author to weave comic relief and celebrity culture into a thoroughly engaging and entertaining storyline. The well-paced plot offers a perfect blend of familiarity and surprise to grip the reader's attention from beginning to end.

 

Of course, I loved some of the lessons the book offers about mommy friendships---e.g. That woman need to actively forge new friendships as our lives change; that office friends can turn out to be nothing more than that; that we need to guard against judging friends too critically before we know them; and that adversity often helps us recognize our true friends. While friends and lovers play prominent roles in the book, its layered depiction of mother-daughter relationships is especially compelling.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

What would you say to Elin Nordegren (Mrs. Tiger Woods) if you were her BFF? Bad news can take many forms but the rules of friendship-on how to help a close friend who is dealing with bad stuff-are fairly universal.

 

What would you say to any friend who was experiencing an overwhelming personal problem? It might be the friend who didn't get into her dream school, the friend whose boyfriend broke off with her, the friend whose husband lost his job, the friend whose son's recent drug charges made their way into the local paper, the friend who had another miscarriage, the friend whose home has been foreclosed by the bank, the friend who was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer, the friend whose daughter has an obvious eating disorder, the friend whose young child was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the friend who suddenly lost her husband, or the office friend who was passed over for a promotion.

 

Although bad stuff happens all the time-at every age and stage of life-it's probably the first time your friend has been faced with this problem. As a result, she may feel confused, alone, victimized, and/or ashamed-and have trouble coping.

 

Here are some suggestions about what you might do as a friend:

 

1) Acknowledge that you know what happened

The story doesn't have to make the front page of US Weekly or the NY Post, but when people in your office, neighborhood, or circle of friends know that something bad went down, don't pretend that you don't-especially if you are a close friend.

Some people think it's impolite to acknowledge that they heard bad news or think that it isn't their place to say anything. They also may not know what to say. This leaves the friend in trouble feeling alone and isolated, even from her closest friends, and unsure why people are reacting that way. Do they know or not? Does their mean they blame her for what happened? Are her friends purposely distancing themselves from her? Are they uncomfortable talking about what happened? Think about how you would feel in similar circumstances. It's a very lonely place to be.

In the most general way, tell your friend that you heard about what happened and that you're so sorry she's in this situation. If your friend asks how you found out, be as honest as you can be without hurting her. If it was a third-person who told you, you don't need to name names.

 

2) Be a good listener and keep the questions to a minimum

She may not be ready to talk and may be unsure of her own feelings. Instead, prime yourself for being a good listener. Don't ask probing questions, prying for details that she doesn't want to discuss or isn't ready to divulge. Let her take the lead in the conversation. By listening, you'll be able to gauge her comfort level in what she's ready or not ready to talk about.

Remind your friend that she can trust you. Ensure her that you'll keep everything she tells you private and MEAN it. If someone has a public profile or has been deeply hurt by someone close to her, she may be particularly wary of other people-including good friends.

 

3) Offer your best advice

She may be grappling with a series of difficult decisions. For example, should she file for divorce, should she seek custody of the kids, should she leave for a vacation in Sweden, and should she talk to the press? It's hard to know what's right and wrong for a friend unless you are in her shoes and know all the facts. Yet, you only know part of the story-what you've heard or what you've been told, not what she's experienced.

My feeling is that friends expect to get unsolicited advice from their close friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that your friend will act upon it but at least you will have provided her with someone else's outside perspective-an opinion from someone who knows and cares about her.

If she rejects what you say, she may have not told you everything, she may not be ready to hear or act upon what you have to say, or she may simply have a different opinion. Unless your friend is engaging in obviously self-destructive behavior, you probably should step back and give her some time to consider or reject your advice.

 

4) Let her know that you are there for her

At times like this, women need their female friends. Tell her explicitly that you want to help out in any way you can. Even if you feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's 14 purported mistresses or the prognosis of her illness, let her know you are there for her in concrete ways. You can offer to watch the kids so she can have some time off or offer to drive her to treatments. Ask her what she needs. If she isn't able to tell you, make some suggestions.

Being there is a process rather than a one-time event. Check in with her periodically even if she doesn't feel like chatting. Keep the calls short or write her a brief note, telling her that you want her to know that you're thinking about her and are available to help when needed. If her needs or those of her family are overwhelming, ask her permission to organize a group of friends who can take turns, for example, bringing meals to the family on different evenings. Recognize that her needs may change over time.

 

5) Resist the temptation to tell her that you know how she feels

You may have experienced death, divorce or disability, but your experience may be far different than hers. Show respect to your friend by listening and responding to her personal experience rather than reciting your own. People need to find their own ways to understand and cope with bad news and loss.

 

I truly hope that Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren have good friends. Sometimes only our female friends can help us dig out of an emotional crisis by being there, providing support, and helping us recognize our own strengths.

 

What are some other ways that you can be there for a friend in trouble?

 

The role of being a stepparent can be challenging. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.

 

Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent?

It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly with a birth parent a little easier for everyone.

If there is animosity, however, or potential for one parent to be manipulating another then it is a slippery slope. Being "friends" and being "friendly" are quite different. Friends also have the potential to get in arguments more than those who are simply friendly to one another. The problem with arguing with a friend about something unrelated to your stepparenting role is that it will probably take a toll on your relationship as parent/stepparent, and that is a relationship you really need to protect for the sake of the child. So, you might want to keep it "friendly", and not become BFFs until the child is old enough to be out of the house and on his or her own!

 

Can a stepparent be a friend with and adolescent or adult child?

Adult, potentially - If you became the stepparent to child who is already a mature adult, you may be more of a friend figure anyway. You are not going to be disciplining your stepchild, or making major life decisions for her so having more of a friendship won't confuse the adult stepchild.

It could still get hairy, however, if you have an argument with your stepchild since you can't really cut ties if necessary. Your stepchild will be your stepchild whether or not you are friends. You don't want an argument that could potentially disrupt your family unit in anyway, so you would still have to proceed in friendship with that in mind.

As far as boundaries go, telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets is out the window - unless you don't mind your spouse finding out and your stepchild doesn't mind risking her parent finding out! Keep in mind, your friend might be interested in intimate details about your relationship with your partner - your stepchild probably isn't!! As far as a friendship, proceed with caution and be aware of the dangers and boundaries.

Friends with your adolescent stepchild? No way. You are a parental figure. Adolescents need guidance and to know that they are safe when in your care. They don't need adult friendships from stepparents; they need strong supportive adults!

 

What are some of the landmines a stepparent faces with her stepchild's friends' parents who were friends of the birth mother?

The possibilities are daunting: She may have aired all your dirty laundry and then some to the other parents. The other parents might want to be gossipy and get you talking about the birth mother. The other parents may have chosen "a side" without even hearing your side.

The best thing to do in this situation is remain courteous, don't bad mouth the birth mother, and appreciate that these folks have a history with her, and to them you are "new" or "an outsider". Keep in mind, this is probably less about them not liking you and more about them feeling loyalty to the birth mother. If you act respectfully people will form their own opinions (it may take a LONG time) and eventually realize that you are just fine!

 

Any other thoughts about friendship and stepparenting, Erin?

Friendship is tough, at times, no matter how great the friendship. People go through different stages in life that can really throw a wrench into a friendship. I have always been friendly with my stepson's birth mother - not friends - but I would say we have grown a bit closer since I had my own son, and my stepson is away at college. We recently took pictures of my son and her daughter (my stepson's half siblings) together in their Halloween costumes as a surprise for him. So although we won't be hanging out with one another or chatting on the phone, we love my stepson enough to put our differences aside to assure that he feels that he has a loving family to come home to no matter which house he stays in!

 

Erin Munroe is a licensed mental health counselor, school adjustment counselor, school guidance counselor, and proud stepmother of her nineteen-year-old stepson. She lives in Braintree, Massachusetts and completed her MA in behavioral medicine and mental health counseling from Boston University School of Medicine. She currently works for the Boston Public Schools and holds a part-time position at a confidential teen-clinic, where she provides counseling to at-risk adolescents.

 

* DISCLOSURE: The Friendship Doctor (me) served as a technical reviewer for Erin's book, which I thought was extremely practical and thorough!

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I've been a friend with someone for over two decades. She's intelligent, a good person and very honest, but since her first marriage fell apart and she remarried, all she does is complain about her current spouse. I tried asking her what she's going to do about this. She said she doesn't know.

It's gotten to the point where I dread seeing her because she just keeps talking about how her husband is unemployed, unromantic and always arguing with her. I feel sorry for her, but I've been avoiding her since she seems to be in a tape-loop when it comes to understanding that she needs to either do something about her marriage or leave it. Do you have any suggestions for getting someone to stop complaining?

Thanks,
M.

ANSWER

Dear M,

Your friend sounds like she's hurting and can't figure a way out of her morass. By the same token, it's hard for you to befriend someone who is totally self-involved. It has to be annoying to hear the same tape being played over and over!

If you are going to save your friendship, you need to be the one who precipitates a change in your relationship with her. Firmly tell your friend that she needs to discuss her feelings with a counselor or mental health professional. Her husband may need to speak to someone too. Tell her you understand what a big decision this is for her, but you really aren't in a position to advise her one way or the other.

Remind her that everyone needs to have balance in their lives and that she can't keep ruminating about her marital problems whenever you're together. When she begins talking about her lousy marriage, channel the conversation back to another topic. Don't be surprised if she remains stuck in this situation for quite a while---unable to decide whether to leave or to work on improving the relationship.

If she doesn't pause the non-stop tape after you try this, you may have no choice but to put your friendship on a sabbatical and spend less time with her while she is working through this problem.

I hope this helps!

Best,

Irene

The Girls from Ames: A Story of Women & a Forty-Year Friendship by Jeffrey Zaslow tells the remarkable story of the 40-year friendship of a circle of eleven female friends. The tale chronicles more than the experience of coming of age in the midwest—it offers universal insights on growing up, living a life, and facing the sobering challenges faced by grown-ups, which often include: marriage, divorce, raising a family, balancing life and work, and coping with serious illness and death among family members and close friends. The narrative pays homage to the significant role that friendship can play in the course of women's lives.

 

The “girls,” who all met as children in the “corn-and-college” town of Ames, Iowa, are introduced in photographs with short bios at the beginning of the book. As the reader turns the pages, however, each woman develops a textured persona as Zaslow brilliantly weaves together their individual and collective stories through interviews, letters, photographs, scrapbooks, news clips and diaries. Their long friendship as a group has enabled the girls from Ames to piece together and preserve the anecdotes that comprise their lives individually. 

This compelling and beautifully written non-fiction book is destined to become a classic in the female friendship literature. Zaslow’s last book, coauthored with Randy Pausch, was the best-selling book The Last Lecture.

Watch my blog for my upcoming Q & A with Wall Street Journal columnist and author Jeffrey Zaslow.

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

 

 

“There’s just something about getting together with people who have always known you,” remarks Olivia, one of the thirty-something characters in Second Chance by Jane Green (Viking, 2007).

With a storyline that is somewhat reminiscent of the 1983 move, The Big Chill, when a childhood friend (Tom) dies tragically, it sets the stage for four friends to come together at midlife and examine their lives and loves. This novel, by the prolific, New York Times best-selling chick-lit author Green, highlights the role that shared history plays in friendships.

Although their lives have followed very different paths, the four childhood friends reconnect instantaneously. The author describes how that feels for Holly Mac, another of the protagonists: “With friends that feel more like family, not because of …closeness to them now, but because of the strength of a shared history,” writes Green. “They know her mother, she knows theirs. She knows their brothers and sisters, who they were before they adopted the mantle of adulthood…”

The protagonists realize that friendships of our youth remind us not only of our past but also of the person we had always hoped to become. What I enjoyed most was the book’s treatment of weighty issues---like infertility, divorce, betrayal, loneliness, alcoholism, and maintaining one’s sense of self in a marriage---and their bearing on female friendships.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

A shared experience can bring people together and even create the foundation for life-long friendships. When I first arrived at my position at the National Institute of Mental Health, without any forewarning, my new supervisor told my friend-to-be Risa that she would be sharing an office with me. Surely, no one likes to lose their space and privacy so things were kind of bumpy at the beginning. But after several months we not only learned how to co-habit comfortably in the workplace, we became close friends. I remember bonding with my friend Diana when we were breast-feeding our babies at the same time. We were both on maternity leave while navigating the new waters of motherhood together. We are still friends today.

 

Some life circumstances make times more challenging to befriend than others. Perhaps you're battling depression or addiction, reeling from a divorce or other loss, or someone you love has been diagnosed with a serious illness. At such times, it's natural to feel like you want to crawl under the covers and isolate yourself. Yet connecting with another person who understands your experience firsthand can help you cope and feel less alone.

 

So I was excited to learn about Experience Project, an internet site that provides an opportunity for people to connect and share a sense of community based on similar experiences. I interviewed Armen Berjikly, the founder and CEO, to learn a bit more.

How does Experience Project (EP) relate to friendship?

If you accept the premise that most, if not all, of our friendships are based on shared experiences-- cultures, religions, backgrounds, schools, careers, families, etc. then Experience Project provides the means to turn strangers into intimate friends.

EP harnesses technology to introduce people who could (and perhaps should) be friends in the physical world, based on shared life experiences, but who will either never meet, or never realize the extent of what they have in common. If you think about it literally, you pass hundreds of people a day, and any one of those people could be your next best friend-- if only you knew who to stop, what to ask, and even then if they felt comfortable responding. EP makes that happen thousands of times a day, providing a platform where who you are is all that matters.

 

Can you provide a bit of information on the demographics of your visitors? What proportion are women?

While visitors to our site break down nearly evenly, registered members are two-thirds female. More specifically, our typical member is an American mother in her late twenties.

 

What types of experiences seem to draw women to the site? Are their experiences different or similar to that of men?

Women and men are generally drawn to the site for similar reasons-- experiences around health and relationships. Broadly generalizing, the usage pattern of male versus female users differs a bit in that female members are more likely to build a community among the people they interact with-- exploring their profiles, commenting on their stories-- while male users are slightly more inclined to be problem-solving oriented, getting and giving input to specific questions. These generalities obviously don't hold true across the board, and many of our most active members in the community at large are male.

 

Do you ever hear stories of women who connected on the site and became friends offline? Or are all the visitors anonymous?

Members are required to remain anonymous in their public postings-they are not allowed to post information that could be used to specifically identify them, such as phone numbers, addresses, real names, etc. However, once people begin interacting, they have every tool at their disposal to communicate with other members privately. While they can continue to use the site to communicate anonymously, and indefinitely, some members naturally want to connect in the real world. We just heard about our first EP wedding-- the members were perfect strangers who met, and discovered each other, through the site. Their wedding will be attended by a dozen or so other members. Further, we know of dozens of coffee circles and even a group of members who went on a summer road trip together. So yes, EP can lead to connections offline, though we never push people to feel that they have to take it that far, and in fact do everything in our power to make sure that communicating on the site is comfortable and satisfying.

 

What were your motivations for creating the site?

I wanted to create a place where people could be themselves, and define themselves through all of the experiences in their life that they considered important, including the triumphs and the challenges. The site began after a close friend's diagnosis with a serious illness. After building an online community dedicated specifically to that disease, I saw the real power driving the site was connecting people who shared life experiences. Further, no one person was defined by any one experience, and connecting people who share a combination of experiences provided for the most personalized support, as well as the basis for a long-lasting and meaningful friendship. With 3 billion people on this planet, no one should ever have to feel alone, no matter what they're going through and how unique they feel their situation is.