depression

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

My dearest best friend of 35 years died in March. She had Alzheimer's disease, so it had been several years since I was able to have a conversation with her, but I could still visit and see her. Her death has devastated me.

 

Before she became ill, we spoke almost every day, and often met for a cup of coffee, lunch, shopping, visiting a museum, or seeing a show, etc. She wrote a book that is carried by many museums, and we used to get a kick out of seeing it in their bookshops. We lived only 15 minutes apart. Our husbands even liked each other.

 

We shared so many things: a love of art, literature, humor, clothes, gossip, and much more. In all those years, we never had a fight---maybe a slight disagreement, but never a fight. I now feel bereft and totally alone, even though I am happily married and have other friends. Of those I have, no one can come near to replacing her. My husband understands my loss, but can't fill that empty space.

 

I have kind of resigned myself to knowing that I will never have a friendship again with that kind of width and depth. It's not a matter of not having other friends. I just have little desire to be with them. When my best friend was alive, I didn't mind spending some time with other friends also, but now, I have little desire to. When I do, it feels like I'm just "making do", and I feel terrible for even thinking that. How does one readjust from this kind of loss? Or, maybe you just don't.

Sincerely,
Lindsay

 

ANSWER

Dear Lindsay.

It sounds like you found and lost a kindred spirit in your friend. Given all the experiences and emotions you shared, there must be constant reminders of the friendship---tinged with even greater sadness because you watched your friend slowly deteriorate.

 

Perhaps, you need to allow yourself a fallow period before you can reach out to other friends. When you do feel like being with other women (which you will), resist the temptation to compare other friendships to this one.

 

Remember that each friendship is unique and this one-of-a-kind friendship has helped you become the person---and the friend---you are today. You are fortunate that you have savored what few others have in a lifetime. More pleasant memories will surface when the sadness recedes with time.

 

One other thought to consider: If your sadness isn't confined to your friendships and you've lost interest in things that were once pleasurable, you may be feeling depressed. Sometimes depression manifests itself as a sense of hopelessness; difficulties concentrating; or changes in sleep patterns, appetite, or energy levels. (Click here to see more about the signs and symptoms of depression). If this is the case, talking to a mental health professional might help you get over the hump.

 

Recovering from the death or a loved one is never easy. In this case, the difficulty may be compounded because few others can understand the closeness of your friendship and the pain of your loss.

My thoughts are with you.

Warmest regards,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I met my friend on the commute to work and have known her now for 10 years. We also socialized outside of the commute. She is 17 years older than me but the age difference has never been a problem. She was terminated from her job (after 20 years) at age 62. Just before this, her ex-husband (who she did not like) died suddenly.

 

I reached out to her during the months after her job loss. She went into a depression and became very paranoid and weird. Finally after six months she seems to be turning her life around. However she makes no effort to email or phone me. Is there any way to get the friendship back or has it run its course?

Signed,
Cassie

 

ANSWER

Dear Cassie,

Losing a job and a husband at once (whether or not she liked them) is tough for any woman, especially at the age of social security eligibility. If your friend feels any embarrassment about being fired, she may have a hard time facing people she knew through her employment. It was kind, and appropriate, of you to reach out to her and she may be embarrassed that she wasn't able to respond sooner.

 

Or, having been through a tremendous emotional upheaval in her life, she may simply be focused on getting back on her feet---with less time available for socializing. Write her a brief note and tell her that you're thinking of her, that you would love to get together for coffee if she has the time. If she doesn't respond, you'll know that the friendship isn't viable for now.

Hope this helps~

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

Throughout my life (I am now 25) I have had problems with friendships ending poorly, usually with friends betraying and/or abandoning me. This has been a contributing factor to my depression, which, in turn, makes it harder to make new friends.

 

I have a new best friend, my husband, and he is great, but it's not the same as having girlfriends. I have tried to reach out to some of the women in my church--inviting them out for coffee or shopping-- but no one has been receptive. I seem to be incapable of making new friends and I think my depresion therapy is stalling because of it. What else can I do?

Sincerely,
Rose

 

ANSWER

Dear Rose,

It's hard to make new friends (and even keep old ones) when you're depressed so I really applaud your efforts. Depression saps your energy, turns you inward, and creates a distance between you and other people.

 

Focus on finding an activity or hobby that interests you, rather than on finding friends, per se. Perhaps there is a small group at your church or in your community where you can participate regularly and begin to meet people through common interests. It will give you time to get to know someone and gain some trust before you develop a friendship.

 

Talk to your therapist explicitly about your problem in making friends. Like depression, friendship problems are real too. Yours may be a byproduct of your depression and/or may stem from something else. He/she may be able to help you identify the underlying problem.

 

Many people with depression benefit from participation in a support group, such as those sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, where they can meet other people who understand because they are having similar problems. When your depression lifts, which it will with good treatment, the task of finding a good friend won't be as formidable. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time!

Warm wishes,
Irene

 

Having a close friend or two to talk to---someone on whom you can depend for emotional support---can be great when little things accumulate or you temporarily feel down in the dumps. But can a friend talk you out of depression or lessen its pernicious effects? A study recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry examined the viability of "befriending" as a tool in the treatment of emotional distress and depressive symptoms. The findings suggest that friendships, even therapeutic ones, aren't necessarily substitutes for good treatment.

 

Keep in mind the researchers weren't talking either about the garden variety of befriending (a term that has become common parlance among Facebook or Twitter users) or about a mild case of the blues. For the purposes of their study, the team of primary care researchers at the University of Manchester, Manchester, UK defined "befriending" as social support that was "initiated, supported and monitored by an agency" expressly for one or more parties to benefit. It was, by definition, a treatment for depression or emotional distress that was "non-judgmental, mutual and purposeful."

 

The meta-analysis (a systematic statistical analysis) looked at more than 24 studies that covered a wide range of depressed populations, including caregivers of individuals with dementia, adolescents, lonely widows, men with prostate cancer, and pregnant women. The frequency of befriending varied among the studies as well as the ways in which the befriending took place. Some contacts were made face-to-face, others were by telephone, and some were a combination of both. Befriending was delivered both by trained and untrained volunteers.

 

The researchers found that the befriending intervention was less effective than cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in adolescents with depression and in medication-resistant individuals with schizophrenia. It was also less effective than nurse cognitive-behavioral problem solving in caregivers of people with dementia. It was similar in effectiveness to a nurse education and self-efficacy intervention in older adults recovering from myocardial infarction, to local community support groups for new inner-city mothers, and to systemic family therapy in depressed adolescents.

 

Based on their data, the researchers were unable to conclude that "befriending" is an effective, evidence-based treatment. Instead, they suggested that more rigorous study was needed to compare "befriending" head-to-head with standard treatments (such as CBT and medication), and that individual preferences should be considered in determining what works, for whom, and under what circumstances. This study relied on meta-analytic techniques to look at the friendship question but it would be worthwhile for researchers to design more large studies that look closely at whether and how friendships can alter the course and outcomes of various types of depression.

 

The conventional wisdom is that the presence of social supports can serve as a buffer against depression. Sounds logical enough: Friendships offer an outlet for people to express their emotions, to put things into perspective, to feel less alone, to reduce stress, and to encourage someone who's feeling distressed to seek out professional help when needed. But people with severe depression often have a hard time reaching out to anyone and it is often equally difficult for friends, even very good ones, to know what to do to help them recover. There's a lot more to learn.

 

Source:

Effects of befriending on depressive symptoms and distress: systematic review and meta-analysis

Nicola Mead, PhD, Helen Lester, MB, ChB, MD, FRCGP, Carolyn Chew-Graham, MB, ChB, MD, FRCGP and Linda Gask, PhD, FRCPsych, NIHR School for Primary Care Research, University of Manchester
Peter Bower, PhD, National Primary Care Research and Development Centre, University of Manchester, Manchester, UK

The British Journal of Psychiatry (2010) 196: 96-101. doi: 10.1192/bjp.bp.109.064089

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How to Help a Friend or Relative Who is Depressed (From the NIMH)

If you know someone who is depressed, it affects you too. The first and most important thing you can do to help a friend or relative who has depression is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. You may need to make an appointment on behalf of your friend or relative and go with him or her to see the doctor. Encourage him or her to stay in treatment, or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs after six to eight weeks.

To help a friend or relative:

• Offer emotional support, understanding, patience and encouragement.
• Engage your friend or relative in conversation, and listen carefully.
• Never disparage feelings your friend or relative expresses, but point out realities and offer hope.
• Never ignore comments about suicide, and report them to your friend's or relative's therapist or doctor.
• Invite your friend or relative out for walks, outings and other activities. Keep trying if he or she declines, but don't push him or her to take on too much too soon. Although diversions and company are needed, too many demands may increase feelings of failure.
• Remind your friend or relative that with time and treatment, the depression will lift.

Facts about Major Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), major depression is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person's ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities. An episode may occur only once in a person's lifetime, but more often, it recurs throughout a person's life. , It is estimated to affect 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.

 

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

I am reeling from the awareness that certain friends who meant a great deal to me have abruptly turned their back on me now that I have revealed and declared my struggle with mental illness. I was diagnosed with a form of bipolar disorder after weathering several years of depression alongside "up" periods. When it was just garden-variety depression, I believe the problem had been more acceptable to these individuals, who are mostly male.

 

Now, having spent almost two weeks in hospital, the tables have turned and folks have run for the hills. I mean nothing: No phone calls, no cards, unreturned e-mails. These relationships, mind you, go back almost 20 years. I've spent most of my time being the "counselor" to these folks. Still, for the most part, I gained a lot from the relationships: mentoring, laughter, contacts, learning, etc.

 

So I'm not sure how to proceed from here. My self-esteem is shot-to-be-damned, and I really haven't much patience right now for the childish ways of grown people. Over the years, I've observed that people who "hide" from others' adversity find some way to wheedle back in after it seems like the coast is clear. I'm pretty clear about cutting these folks off, since there's really nothing to be salvaged except my self-worth. I am angry, and I can't guarantee that I still won't be angry when they inevitably return to my world. How would you suggest I handle this?

Signed,
Alone

 

ANSWER

Dear Alone:

When someone has a serious medical condition, deciding whether or not to tell others is never straightforward. This is compounded when it comes to disclosing mental or emotional disorders because of the pervasive misunderstanding, stigma and discrimination commonly associated with disorders of the brain. As you found out, there is even a pecking order among mental illnesses. People are generally more understanding and accepting of depression and anxiety disorders than they are of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder. This is simply because of the dismal lack of mental health literacy among the general public.

 

In considering whether or not to tell, it's important for someone to think through whom to tell (the answer might be different for different family members, friends, employers and acquaintances) and how much information and detail to provide (e.g. the name of the disorder, the nature of the treatment, specific vs. general information, etc.). Decisions like this are deeply personal. Ultimately, individuals need to make decisions that feel comfortable to them! There is no right or wrong.

 

Getting back to your specific situation: You made the decision to be candid with friends whom you trusted, hoping they would understand and rally around you. This wasn't the case so I understand your disappointment. But consider the possibility that these friends weren't ill-intentioned. They may simply have felt uncomfortable and didn't know exactly how to react or what to say---because they don't understand bipolar disorder, its course, or its treatment.

 

Perhaps, you could seize this as a teachable moment, focusing on one or two of the individuals with whom you feel closest, and helping them better understand your experience. After you speak, you could also direct them to online resources for information such as one of the booklets made available from the National Institute of Mental Health  or from the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

 

Being hospitalized for a mental disorder often feels like a setback to that individual (although it shouldn't be that way!). Admittedly, it is an unplanned disruption to work, study, and/or friendships. You say your self-confidence is shattered-so give yourself the gift of time and allow yourself to slowly get back into a normal routine. Try to hold back your anger towards your friends, which may turn out to be misplaced. You may find that some of these friendships were tenuous and aren't worth resurrecting but I sincerely hope that at least a few of them will be recoverable.

 

You signed your letter "lonely." Simultaneous with working on your old friendships, you may want to get involved in a support group such as those sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. This will allow you to meet other people who have struggled with similar issues and who can support you as you get back on your feet. I hope you also have the benefit of a relationship with a mental health professional who can help you get over this trauma.

 

Remember that lifting the veil of secrecy and shame that shrouds brain disorders can only be accomplished one person at a time. I applaud your honesty as well as your posting this letter.

 

Warm wishes for your recovery,
Irene

 

 

P.S. In my book (co-authored with Jerome Levine, MD), Schizophrenia for Dummies (Wiley, 2009), on P. 216-222, there is an extensive section on "Breaking the News," the pros and cons of disclosing mental disorders. Since it provides far more detailed advice than I could post here, you may want to glance at the book in the library. Although my comments in the book are focused on schizophrenia, they are just as pertinent to bipolar disorder.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A little more than a year ago I began a friendship with a female co-worker. We are both married and it never went beyond the friendship stage nor did either or us want it to. It started off simple enough, she knew I was into photography and she suspected a problem with her camera and asked me to take it for a while and see if I could find anything wrong.

 

The friendship grew to the point where we were taking most of our breaks together and we spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. We started at the job within a few months of each other and were both the "new kids" in the group and I think we tended to bond over that. She had numerous issues with management and came to me in tears two times because she felt she was being mistreated.

 

We already had a friendly relationship by that time and had exchanged hugs on occasion; I held her and let her cry on my shoulder. The friendship also grew outside of work and we had several get-togethers with our significant others: day trips to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, hiking in some local parks, and dinners at local restaurants as well at each of our houses. We always sat together during meetings at work and I think it was obvious to the rest of the staff that we enjoyed each other's company.

 

I went away for a two-week vacation at the end of October and she expressed concern several times as to how she would survive while I was gone. She wished I wasn't going and that she could go with me. I know people just say those things but she seemed more concerned than normal. She gave me a big hug the day I left and an even bigger one on the day I returned saying she was glad I was back.

 

Around the end of November, she did a complete 180 on me. I expressed concern that our friendship was falling apart. She said that I worried too much and we would always be friends. A few days later that changed into her not liking her job, not being able to separate me from it, and that she wanted me to just leave her alone.

 

I knew that she was having issues with the boss and she felt like he was always watching her. A few days later, when he was out for the day, I asked if we could get together for a few minutes to talk. Her response was simply "Leave me alone."

 

For Christmas, I sent her a photo book that had a lot of photos of her and her husband at various places we had visited in the past year. When I got back to work the week after Christmas I got a call from HR saying that she had filed a complaint against me. The complaint was initiated in response to the photo book but she also dragged in e-mails that she felt were inappropriate and told them that she never wanted to go out on breaks with me and she felt pressured into this and felt she could not say no. I never had any indication that she was less than happy going on breaks with me and she never said anything to me about my e-mails being inappropriate. I considered us friends and the e-mails (all but one of them to non-work e-mail accounts) were friendly e-mails. She underlined things like Do you have time for a friend? Or I miss the closeness we shared and one that I signed with a virtual hug.

 

I am still waiting for the final decision from HR but for the time being we have simply been told to not have any contact with each other. We are both at work and it is very difficult for me right now. I try to avoid her as much as possible and wait to be sure she is in her office before I leave mine.

 

I don't know how this friendship went from best friend to worst enemy on her side so quickly and I have no idea what I could have done to cause this since she won't tell me. I have had problems with depression myself in the past and this episode has me back on meds for that; it helps with the pain but not my inability to understand any of this. I don't understand how she could have been my friend, how we could have been so close and how it has ended up like this.

Signed,
Depressed in Boston

 

ANSWER

Dear Depressed in Boston:

Your story is sad and hard to grasp for me, too. You say that you were "just friends" with this woman-in and out of the office-for almost a year and then the relationship seemed to deteriorate for no apparent reason.

 

My sense is that there had to be something that was going on in her personal life that you don't know about. Perhaps, her husband began to feel threatened by her office friendship. Or perhaps, while you were away on vacation, she realized that she had become more attached to you emotionally than was comfortable for her. I don't know the answers to these questions or whether I'm even raising the right possibilities. You probably don't either. The truth may be something she is unwilling to tell you or something that she doesn't fully understand herself.

 

That said, she made a unilateral decision to dump you and sealed the deal with a visit to HR. Then she began to collect "evidence" to build a case that your advances were unwelcome and had crossed the boundaries of a collegial relationship.

 

You haven't mentioned your response to HR and what they are "deciding." If the charges are serious and/or your job is in jeopardy, it would be wise to consult with an attorney. I'm also wondering how you handled this situation with your wife. Have you been able to be candid with her so you could depend on her for support? Finally, have you been totally forthcoming and honest with yourself in terms of your expectations of this friendship?

 

Clearly, you have no option now but to step back from the relationship with your co-worker and to limit any contact. Do not send her any emails or text messages at the office or at home.

 

Focus on maintaining your performance at work and on making sure you comply with any conditions that have been set forth by your employer. It's important that you work through your feelings about this upsetting situation outside the office: either with your wife, a trusted friend, or a mental health professional. If they have worked for you in the past, an antidepressant may be of help. If you feel the need and have the opportunity, you may want to transfer to another unit of your organization or change employment.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to accept that you may never have a complete understanding of what happened, just your side of the equation, and that you need to pick up the pieces as best you can and move forward.

I hope that this helps a little.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I've gone through multiple friend break-ups and it seems to be a recurring theme for me. I never want these friendships to end but they always fall apart because I ask too much of them.

 

I always have a feeling of insecurity with friends to the point where I need so much reassurance that the friend becomes exhausted. I think this tendency may spring from my ongoing depression---but how can I overcome this extreme friendship anxiety?

 

And how can I go about repairing friendships that have been weakened or cut off because of this? Too frequently I've had friendships that have started well, escalated towards very intense then petered out for the reason above. I don't want this to happen anymore, what can I do?

Signed,
Anonymous

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Anonymous,

If you feel depressed and it is complicating your friendships, you need to get to the root cause of your problem: depression. When someone is depressed, it can take a lot of energy to focus on other people.

 

The good news: You seem to have a knack for making friends and you've recognized that you eventually ask too much of them. Try to keep this in mind and see your friends in small doses so it isn't overwhelming for them or for you. At the same time, speak to a mental health professional (perhaps, you're already seeing one) and ask for help. Depression is a treatable illness.

 

Thanks so much for posting and I hope this was helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a very close friend who is going through a rough time. She recently became pregnant after ongoing fertility treatments. I was extremely supportive through all of this.  Since becoming pregnant, her anxiety and panic has increased immensely.

She is an only child who depends greatly on her parents and will often choose to do things with her mom over doing something with me. I don't ask her to do much these days since she is with her mom most of the time.

With her panic issues, she has become extremely hard to be around.  I try to help as much as I can, but she will usually just tell me that I don't really understand because I haven't had her exact symptoms. She now thinks she's becoming depressed as well.

I guess my issue is that over the years I go through these stages where I feel like she expects me to be there for her whenever she needs me. But when I need her, she barely has time for me. I can call her with a problem, and she's always doing something while talking to me. I NEVER get her full attention.

I know this is a troubling time for her, but it just seems to have brought back my negative feelings about this friendship. And, to a certain extent, she is creating some of her anxiety/panic/depression.  I am just finding myself very angry about this whole friendship. Any advice?

Thanks,
Paige

ANSWER

Hi Paige:

If your friend has a true panic disorder, she may be experiencing terrifying physical and emotional symptoms that feel out of her control. Panic disorders are often associated with depression and anxiety as well. While you sound like a very empathetic and caring friend, your friend is probably correct in saying that you can’t understand exactly how she is feeling. You also can’t make her symptoms go away. But these two facts don’t make you less of a friend.

Because of your friend’s problems, the relationship has become one-sided. It’s normal that you would feel resentful because she isn’t able to be there for you in the way that you are there for her. Since you call her a “very close friend” and acknowledge that she is going through a “rough time,” it seems like your friendship once had a more reciprocal basis, where there was more give and take, so I wouldn’t give up on the friendship just yet.

The signs and symptoms of a panic disorder tend to flare up during difficult life transitions, and coping with infertility would be high on such a list. In fact, some research suggests that coping with infertility can be as stressful to a woman as dealing with a serious physical illness like cancer or HIV/AIDS. Although getting pregnant after having fertility problems should be uplifting, it can be another source of stress.

You didn’t mention whether or not your friend is being treated for her symptoms. If she is, she may need some more time. If not, you may want to suggest that she get diagnosed and treated. Perhaps, her mother is worried about her daughter’s problems and that’s why she and her mom are spending so much time together. If you have a comfortable relationship with her mom, you can mention that you are concerned about your friend.

In any case, it sounds like you are burned out and may need to step back a bit until your friend is more together. You could have a frank discussion with her and tell her that you are a bit overwhelmed by her neediness but still cherish your friendship. In the meantime, take a break. Spend more time with other friends you enjoy, create a bit more distance between you and this friend, and see how things evolve over time. Just keep in mind that it is unlikely that her emotions are under her control at this point and she’s probably suffering more than you. Above all, be kind because she’s your friend.

I know this isn’t an easy situation but I hope this gives you some food for thought.

Best,
Irene

About Panic Disorder (from the National Institute of Mental Health)

Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder. It causes panic attacks, which are sudden feelings of terror for no reason. You may also feel physical symptoms, such as

* Fast heartbeat
* Chest pain
* Breathing difficulty
* Dizziness

Panic attacks can happen anytime, anywhere and without warning. You may live in fear of another attack and may avoid places where you have had an attack. For some people, fear takes over their lives and they cannot leave their homes.

Panic disorder is more common in women than men. It usually starts when people are young adults. Sometimes it starts when a person is under a lot of stress. Most people get better with treatment. Therapy can show you how to recognize and change your thinking patterns before they lead to panic. Medicines can also help.

Have a friendship dilemma? Perhaps I can help. Write to me at irene@fracturedfriendships.com/

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

About a year and a half ago I broke up with a friend and I'm still not over it. I was hoping you could offer some insight. I’ve known this girl since 6th grade when she stopped speaking to me over some boy. We became friends again in 7th grade but she always needed a new best friend. She moved out of state in 8th grade and made me promise to go to college in her state.

Well, I did move there and got married (she got married too). The four of us would hang out some but she did the same things as she did in elementary school: she'd just stop calling or she would ask for rides or a babysitter when she needed something and we'd be there to help. But if we needed something she'd just whine and complain. We moved a couple times within the same city and she was always negative about were we lived, saying we lived in a bad neighborhood (when we didn't and we had a brand new house).

Finally my husband and I stopped speaking to them because we felt like we were being used. About 3 years later, I started feeling guilty so I called her to see how she was and she was happy to hear from me. We started hanging out again and things seemed all right. I actually helped her to get a job at the same place where I worked with my husband.

My husband and I started to have problems and were considering a divorce. It turns out that she HATED my husband. She kept encouraging me to divorce him and spread rumors about him at work. Apparently she was talking about me, too, and spreading our personal problems to everyone we worked with. It made work very uncomfortable but she denied saying anything. She told me I shouldn't have told her any of my problems if I didn't want them to be known!

I ended up getting my own place and separating from my husband. I was very depressed and could hardly get out of bed. She was always mad at me for not “snapping out of it”. I eventually went to a doctor and got on anti-depressants and starting seeing a therapist, but she kept talking about me, saying that the anti-depressants weren’t good for me. She told me that I needed to convert to her religion to find happiness and get over the depression.

I agreed to go to church with her a few times but after a couple months decided it wasn't the place for me. When I began studying with a Rabbi she began saying horrible things about Jewish people and constantly told me how “sorry” she was that I was going to hell. I ended up moving out of state for a new job and to start a new life: I had planned to remain friends with her and talk to her from out of state.

Once I moved, she started sending me bible tracts and told me that Hebrew was a “bad language” to learn. Then I received an email with childish insults and name calling from both her and her husband. I just couldn't take it anymore and didn't want to fight, or call names so I just stop talking to her altogether. I deleted all the emails I got from her without ever reading them and changed my phone number.  Now she has befriended my mother on Facebook and constantly leaves my mom messages about how great she is. I feel like she's crossed the line by trying to be friends with my mom or she's displaying some passive aggressive behavior.

I feel a lot of guilt over this and feel like it is immature for me to stop being friends with someone. My life has improved A LOT since I stopped being friends with her and my self-esteem has climbed. Should I feel guilty over this? I feel like it is something that some middle school girls would do but I never imagined adults would stop speaking like this. Should I say something to her about being Facebook friends with my mom? Or do I just let this go?

Signed,
Unable to Let Go

ANSWER:

Dear Unable to Let Go,

I hope that by posting your dilemma on this blog and reading it in black-and-white, it helps clarify your answer to the question you posed: Should I just let this go? When other women write about their friendship dilemmas, the answers are often in shades of gray. This one isn’t.

It sounds like your ex-friend has been possessive, self-centered, negative and controlling from the time she was an adolescent and she still hasn’t outgrown it. While you tolerated her for some time, you and your husband appropriately decided to end the relationship. The same attitudes and behaviors you overlooked in middle school were less acceptable when you saw them appear in an adult.

Like most women, you tried to put a positive spin on your friendship when you attempted to renew it three years later. Then your friend began to encourage you to leave your husband, spread rumors about you and your husband to your colleagues, and betrayed confidences about you to people at work. I can’t help but think that she was alienating you from him and your co-workers so she could have you for herself again. Then she tried to dictate your religious beliefs and showed little sensitivity to or understanding of your values or emotions. Besides, people generally don’t “snap out” of a clinical depression.

Don’t you remember you changed your phone number to avoid contact wit her and even deleted her emails? Why would you ever feel guilty for cutting off a friendship like this one? You deserve so much better.

Why would you want to re-friend someone who has been such a negative influence? Yes, she crossed the line by trying to befriend your mom and there is no point in initiating contact with her over this. However, you should let your mother know how nasty your friend has been to you so she doesn’t get sucked in. The rules of friendship on Facebook are often pretty murky but I would think your mother wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with your ex-friend if she knew how much pain she had caused you.

Clearly, you are feeling happier and more self-confident since you broke off with her. Yet you are guilty and ashamed about separating from a long-time friend. You seem to be tied to they myth that “best friends are forever” but generally, this isn’t the case. Being able to let go, in this situation, wouldn’t be immature; in fact, it would be a sign of your maturity. You need to let go and move on. This woman sounds like a toxic friend.

Hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

This is a strange tale and quite honestly if I knew what to make of it all, I wouldn’t be writing. I have two best friends: the first (BF1), a girl I grew up with and with whom I have a very deep and social relationship; the second (BF2), a girl with whom I went to University and have a close relationship like a sister.

I moved in with BF2 last year after I moved away from my hometown where BF1 lived, but I was only a 20-minute drive away so I didn’t think this would be a problem. I was used to spending every weekend and holiday with BF1 (BF2 lived further away until we moved in together). It is worth pointing out that BF1 has had an issue with BF2 in the past over something trivial.  

BF1 kept cancelling dates with me and many months were going by and I had only seen her twice. She told me she might not be coming to my birthday party as her office party was the night before and she might be hung over. Devastated, I wrote an email telling her I was sad she couldn’t come, and asked if she wanted to talk to me about what had been going on over the past 8 months as I missed her. She responded with vitriol telling me that I thought I was too good for her and how dare I say she was a bad friend.

I responded with an immediate apology. I said I was deeply sorry for whatever hurt I had caused and I wanted to sort this out as our ten-year friendship was worth so much to me. I was met with silence. I have since pleaded with her on five occasions via text and email to speak to me to sort this out but I have never gotten a response.

BF2 knew how devastated I was about what had happened and even went so far as to say how angry she was with BF1. BF2 and I went on holiday last summer and one night she exploded at me telling me that I was an emotional drain and she couldn’t stand me sometimes. I cried and begged her not to be so cruel but she continued by saying that nobody tells me what they think of me so she was going to.

She was shouting that I take everything I have for granted (the back story of this was I was a model and she apparently has an "issue" with this). She had recently been dumped it is worth pointing out. I responded trying to calm her down, saying that I understood she was under a lot of pressure at work and the situation with her ex had been dreadful and that I was always here for her. Maybe I should have just shouted back, I don’t know.

Anyway since then, I quit my job. I had the extremely distressing incident of being sexually assaulted at work then driven out of my job. The perpetrator was my boss. To make ends meet, I had taken a job that BF2 apparently didn’t agree with morally. This job does not affect her in any way; I kept it very separate from our friendship together.

However, she now won’t even spend time with me. She spends every weekend with someone else. She never wants to talk to me anymore, is moving out, and she is planning her birthday without me. She declined to come to my parents’ anniversary party that she comes to every year, my sister’s wedding, you name it. She makes me feel disgusting. All I want is for us to be friends again. Surely, our friendship is worth saving? I would do anything for her and love her so much.

I lost my childhood best friend to a violent crime when I was 19 years old so I can’t lose the only other friend I have ever loved. Do I have too? What can I do? I am so lonely now and feel like my social life is non-existent. I don’t know what I have done. I would apologize for it, if it would help. I now feel that I am a toxic person who nobody wants to love or to be close with because once they get to know me, they will discover they hate me. I know this sounds irrational but I am so low that I’m almost suicidal. Please help me.

Signed,
Feeling Like A Toxic Friend

 

ANSWER:

Hi,

I’m so sorry that this has been such a difficult time for you. It is very stressful to move, experience a sexual assault, be forced out of your job, and lose your two best friends over  a relatively short period of time. The trauma of a sexual assault can be emotionally devastating, especially when the perpetrator is a boss whom you may have trusted. All of this has to be unnerving.

For whatever reason, it sounds like BF1 may have felt abandoned when you moved in with BF2. But you have given her multiple opportunities to patch up your friendship and she isn’t able to do so at this point in her life. It’s always hard to give up a friendship with so much shared history but I think you need to put that one aside for now; you don’t have any other choice. You may be able to reclaim it sometime in the future.

When BF2 ended her relationship with you, she did it in an unnecessarily cruel and uncaring way so I can understand how you might be reeling from it---particularly when it comes as one in a series of losses. She was very judgmental about your job choice and I’m wondering if you are uncomfortable about that choice as well.

Given how lonely and depressed you feel, you should contact a mental health professional to help you work through these losses and move forward. If you have any thoughts of suicide, you should contact a suicide hotline immediately.

Although you have a track record of being able to make and keep friends, it sounds like you have lost confidence in yourself and your ability to be a good friend. An objective person, like a therapist, may be able to help you think through and resolve the impact of these traumatic events. At the same time, try not to isolate yourself and succumb to feeling like you are toxic. Look for opportunities to be with other people, including your family and other casual friends.

Best wishes,

Irene

 

Disclaimer: Nothing in this or any other post is intended to substitute for medical, psychiatric or clinical diagnosis/treatment. Rather, all posts are written as the type of advice that one friend might give to another.