demanding

I recently received this post from a reader named Whitney that I thought was worth sharing. Whitney was fortunate to have a good friend---who gave her honest feedback about her neediness--- without making Whitney feel totally hurt or bent out of shape. Whitney also seems to have a fair degree of insight into her own behavior. As a result of the two factors, she’s found a way to reduce her neediness, which will hopefully work for her and make her a better friend. Thanks for sharing your story, Whitney!

Dear Irene:

Wow. This blog has definitely helped me realize what a needy person I am. I just wish I knew why. I've experienced my fair share of friends who required more than the usual amount of validation, or coddling. or praise, but tonight I was told that I am too dependent on people as well. Not just all people, but one person in particular. My good friend told me this tonight, and I admit that it is hard to hear. Especially since I can't stand that kind of behavior.

But even more than that, it is hard to hear because I have a great fear of losing people close to me. This fear isn't typically that unreasonable, but I believe since I've lost a few close friends recently to death and other complications life brings, I'm more sensitive to the notion of losing friends. Somehow I've allowed myself to believe that I need to spend much more time than necessary with this person, and that's not fair for anyone.

I realize now that I'm always complaining or have something physically or emotionally wrong with me, and those things are draining to hear or see all the time. It's good to be able to talk to friends about what's going on in your life, but to an extent. To all you out there struggling with finding your own independence like I am, I suggest talking to a counselor once a week like I'm going to start doing. I've decided that I'm going to write everything going on in my life down so that I can keep my friends in the loop to an extent, but all the especially deep and emotional trials I'm going through at the time will be told to a counselor first so I can learn better how to cope on my own.

It's always good to have a strong support system of friends, sharing EQUALLY in all of life's ups and downs. However, it's also good to have that unbiased opinion from a professional and NEVER good to lay out all your problems to ONE friend. That's too much for anyone person, and they have their own lives to deal with. What a night this has been! I'm so glad my friend was able to tell me about my neediness so I can start to remedy it. Thanks, friend ;)

Signed,
Whitney

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

A few months ago I met a woman and her daughter at a children's event. We hit it off and even though her daughter is considerably younger than mine, we got together for a few playdates. The problem? She calls me everyday to complain about how hard it is to figure out naps and a feeding schedule for her daughter.

At first I didn't mind giving her advice, my daughter was nap resistant as well. But every day calls about the same subject is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to go off on her because her daughter doesn't even act out or cry despite being overtired.... she is very mellow.

Meanwhile, my daughter is hyperactive, I have an infant son and my husband has recently become unemployed. I think, 'How come I can cope with all of this without wallowing, but her life is comparatively easy and she can't even figure out a schedule for her child without daily support from me?'

She always says I'm one of her closest friends, that she appreciates me, values my advice, etc. I'm bewildered because we have only gotten together a few times.... and we've only known each other a few months? She has other friends, she apparently calls them for the same needs. She has even told me that one of her friends told her she is nuts, and doesn't want to talk about naps anymore. I don't feel very close to her, she is a bit abrasive and doesn't really comment when I talk about me (which is not very often). What I want is a very casual friendship with no more than one call a week and a get together every few weeks. What should I do?

Signed,
Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous:

You answered your own question. You know what you want, a very casual relationship with someone who calls you no more than once a week and with whom you can get together every few weeks. You don't want a relationship with someone who is needy, self-centered, and demanding---and doesn't give you a chance to get a word in edge-wise.

Don't let yourself get sucked into this toxic friendship any deeper. You're obviously adept at making new friends. Go to another children's event and find another friend who better fits your own criteria and friendship needs.

In the meantime, do whatever you can to distance your relationship from this woman. Say you have to focus on your infant son and don't have time to talk on the phone much. Don't make any plans to meet with her. Tell her you are busy. With any luck, she'll hitch herself onto someone else's wagon.

My best,

Irene

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

I have a much older friend than myself. She is old enough to be my Mum and I do think of her as a second Mum. We've been through a lot together, and she has fulfilled the gap of being my Mum. I have a family and husband myself but have not been close to my parents. That's another story.

The problem is my friend has been distancing herself from me the last couple of months and I don't really know why. She says she is busy with family and other commitments. I have asked if we could meet up for a face-to-face chat about our relationship but she always says she's busy, however we have been corresponding via e-mail and now our e-mails have become 'messy' and I think I've become misunderstood in what I am trying to say.

I love her dearly and I miss our outings and phone calls. I don't know what to do. I think I have really messed things up or maybe she feels that I'm too demanding. The thing is I don't really know without speaking to her. I think she is trying to give me the brush off without hurting my feelings. I don't want our friendship to end but if it is over I'll have to move on and accept that. Do you have any advice you could give?

Thanks
Alice

ANSWER:

Hi Alice,

When it's nearly impossible to make sense of a situation, it is usually because you are missing a piece of information. Similarly, in your case, you really don't know what is going on, because your "Second Mum' hasn't been willing to share the missing piece of the puzzle with you.

It could be that there are things going on in her life, completely unrelated to you, which are consuming her time or emotions. Or, as you suggest, it could be that you have become too needy or demanding, relying on her too much, and she wants some distance.

Whatever the reasons, it must be frustrating that you can't talk openly with her on the phone or face-to-face, and as you've found, it's very difficult to resolve emotionally charged topics by email.

Could you try writing a letter to her, snail mail, expressing how important the relationship has been to you in the past and how much you value it? You could tell her that you recognize that she wants more space and that you respect her feelings. Then you will have to wait and see what happens. Whatever the outcome, you will have taken an active (and gracious) step in trying to seek conciliation or resolution, and in expressing your love.

Then when you've done that, focus on other people and things in your life so that you aren't completely focused on this loss, which may or may not be permanent.

Thanks for sharing your situation. I hope that it resolves in a way that brings you some closure.

My best,
Irene