daughter

Picture this. Your 14-year-old daughter, Mindy, excitedly tells you she's bringing a new friend home for dinner. "She's so pretty and talented, and goes to church regularly," she says. "I can't wait for you to meet her." When the new BFF walks in the door, the first thing you notice is that she has a nose ring, is exceptionally shapely for her age, and has a body tattoo like Miley Cyrus strategically below her left breast (Well, you actually don't notice the tattoo until she takes off her jacket and you see her bare midriff in winter.) You swallow and tell yourself that it's unfair to judge someone on first impressions alone.

 

Things go from bad to worse. The new friend calls you by your first name, opens your refrigerator to see what's in it, and is texting incessantly even when you're all seated at the dinner table. In fact, she seems sullen and shows no interest in making conversation with your daughter or anyone else in your family. You ask yourself: Why would Mindy choose her as a friend?

 

Whether it's the Bully, the Tease, the Goth, the Shoplifter, the User, or the Faux-Friend who gossips behind your child's back, most moms have had the unsettling experience of their tween or teen coming home with a "bad friend." Here are 5 basic tips for moms facing this dilemma:

 

1) Your response depends on the age of your child. When kids are young, you're able to pick and choose their friends. By the time your child is a tween or teen, they should have the opportunity to choose their own friends.

 

2) Resist the urge to jump in. Don't embarrass your teen or make him/her feel babied in front of a peer. Don't attempt to parent the "bad friend" - that's not your job. Wait until after the friend has left to have "the talk" and to discuss your feelings and impressions with your child.

 

3) Coach, don't tell. Start by finding out what your teen or tween likes about her friend. It will encourage her to talk and the answers may surprise you. If you remain unconvinced that the friendship is a healthy one, express your concerns openly but don't tell your teen what to do. If you attempt to micromanage their friendships, they'll only resent your interference and get defensive. Believe it or not, they do hear what you say, which will lead them to question their own decisions when they're ready.

 

4) Focus on raising strong, confident teens. Helping teens to discover their own strengths and to feel good about themselves enables them to make better choices. Encourage them to be exposed to different types of friends through a variety of experiences in school and through sports, hobbies, and other activities in your community.

 

5) Share your own friendship stories. Don't make the mistake of perpetuating the myths of popular culture: that friendships are perfect, that you only need one best friend, and that all friendships will or should last forever. Share anecdotes from your own experiences that point out the potential pitfalls of friendship-as well as the virtues.

 

Of course, if a "bad friend" is making illegal, immoral or destructive choices, parents need to keep a very close eye on the friendship. But more often than not, parental misgivings (particularly those based on appearances alone) turn out to be misplaced. The "bad friend" who we knew would one day be a felon matures into a Fulbright scholar. During the tween and teen years, young people are struggling to figure out who they are and who they want to be. It is to be expected that they will make some mistakes in choosing friends and, hopefully, they'll learn important life lessons about friendship along the way if parents are there to guide them.

 

Have you had the experience of being a parent and welcoming a "bad friend" into your home?

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have been reading the questions and answers on your website and finding them very helpful. I thought I would write and ask my own question. I have a friend with whom I'm currently going through a break up.

 

For a year or so, she's either ignored me or shut me out when she is going through something hard or is cross about something. I decided not to be close to her anymore as I find it too painful to be ignored for months on end and then treated like nothing has happened.

 

My dilemmas: We go to the same church, which is small so I see her every week. I try to say hello. Sometimes she will speak to me. Other times, she ignores me and I feel hurt all over again. How should I act around her?

 

Also our sons are good friends and haven't been spending much time together as we are not visiting each other's homes any more. I don't think it's fair to let our problems come between our sons' friendship (they are only 5), but having play dates would seem weird to me and I'm not sure what to do about this.

 

We have been friends for the past ten years and I'm having issues letting go so I feel guilty and think she is just reacting to me not being so friendly with her.What do you suggest about our son thing and how to just move on when I see her every week?

Thanks
Sheila

ANSWER

Dear Sheila:

If this situation has been going on for about a year, I presume that you've tried to talk to your friend about it without any satisfactory resolution. You really have no choice but to move on.

 

Breaking up is never easy but if you've truly decided the relationship is over, the answers to your questions are straightforward:

 

1) Always say hello and act cordially at church, regardless of your friend's response. You live in the same community and will invariably see one another. if you take the high road, you'll be able to feel good about it.

 

2) In terms of your kids, at the age of 5, parents still determine friendships. Given your current relationship with your once-friend, I'd advise against setting up play dates for your sons. You're right. It would be too uncomfortable.

 

Like most breakups, yours isn't simple---especially because children are involved as well. It reminds me of another breakup question I recently answered. In that instance. too, a friend withdrew without explanation when she was besieged by personal problems. When this happens, it leaves the abandoned friend feeling helpless and hurt. Since your situation with your friend is recurrent, you need to find other friends who are more stable and predictable. You've tried to be there for her over and over and she has only rebuffed you.

Hope this is helpful,

Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend has been going through marriage problems ever since I've known her (13 years now). I have been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. When the problems got too big to deal with, I suggested counseling since I didn't want their marriage problems to affect the friendship that I have with her husband too and that my husband has with them.

 

Now, my dilemma is that I personally have gone through a very stressful period in my life with the loss of several family members. I really don't want to talk about all her stresses anymore! I know she feels hurt by this. But the main issue revolves around the funeral of one of my family members. My daughter and my friend, at the funeral home, exchanged words and my daughter ended up in tears out in the parking lot, crying over my friend's insensitivity. It was over a picture taken several years ago and my daughter was joking around with my friend about it because she had hidden it behind one of the pictures that just happened to be at the funeral home.

 

My friend snapped at my daughter and just walked away from her. When I found my daughter crying in the parking lot I couldn't believe my friend acted the way she did. I started to feel that she wasn't there to support my family in our loss but that she is so self-absorbed in her own misery that she just is not seeing things clearly. When I told her how upset my daughter was about their exchange she just said that my daughter was in the wrong. I know I would feel badly if the tables were turned and I had upset her child.

 

Can I get over this? Should I even try? She is acting like I owe her an apology. I have extended opportunities to reconnect but I find she wants to stay in the role of victim and just wants someone there who will pity her. Should I just leave the ball in her court? Please do not use my name if this gets posted. Thank you!

Signed,
Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

Whenever there's a death in a family, the mourners left behind are usually under considerable stress---especially during the funeral and the days leading up to it. Even if your daughter made a mistake or error in judgment, your friend knew your family was grieving and should have given her some slack. Moreover, she should have done what she could to minimize, rather than add to, your stress. Even if she got angry at the moment, to not forgive you or your daughter afterwards sounds wrong.

 

As hard as it is to give up a long-term friendship, this isn't the first time your friend has disappointed you. In this instance, since she rebuffed your efforts to reconnect, I would definitely leave the ball in her court.

 

I'm sorry for your recent losses, which had to have been compounded by this unfortunate incident.

Best,
Irene