coping

QUESTION

Irene,

Jordan and I have been best friends since our first day of college 20 years ago. Over the years, we both married (me=happily, her=constantly teetering on the edge of divorce) and had children. I had my children several years before she did, and she was always incredibly supportive and understanding of my new obligations and priorities, while longing for a child of her own.

 

Three years ago, Jordan had a daughter. I have tried to support her in all the ways she supported me though those baby/toddler years, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to do. We live many time zones apart (different continents) and the onus of our friendship has gradually shifted so it is now entirely mine.

 

Whenever I pick up the phone, she spends the entire call (which is always scheduled in advance) dealing with her 3-year-old. She recently hung up on me in the middle of a "crisis" because her daughter was angry that she wasn't coloring with her. She has mentioned that she never talks to any of her other friends anymore, either, which leads me to think that I'm not the only person feeling frustrated. I have tried instigating emails, but get fairly unsatisfactory replies (two sentences back to my two pages) though she always mentions how much she misses me and wants to talk. The only time it actually happens, though, is when she's having an emotional emergency.

 

I understand and support her love for her daughter, but I'm tired of feeling like our friendship has turned into a one-way street. I know that she focuses on her child so much, in part, because her marriage is very unhappy. While I don't think this is healthy for either of them, I don't want to interfere with her parenting (her other friends and family have told her that she needs to start setting limits and it hasn't made a difference, anyway--though she has cut those people out of her life to a great degree). I do, however, want my friend back--at least occasionally--but I can't figure out how to talk to her about it without immediately putting her on the defensive. Any thoughts?

Signed,
Missy

 

ANSWER

Dear Missy,

Your friend Jordan is struggling with a tough situation at home: She's simultaneously dealing with a challenging child and an unhappy marriage. While her friends and family sound well intended, it's probably naive to think that all her domestic problems can be resolved by merely setting limits with her daughter. Some children can be challenging to parent for a host of different reasons.

 

By virtue of her circumstances, Jordan isn't in a position to be the same friend to you that she once was but you shouldn't take her inaccessibility personally. Without cutting her off, you may need to scale back your expectations for the time being and get involved with other friends. It's common for the balance of a relationship to swing in one direction and then another over the course of a long-term friendship.

 

Imagine how your best friend feels when she compares her life to yours, which seems so peaceful and perfect. Cut her some slack and be a good listener rather than joining the chorus criticizing her parenting skills. You might also suggest that she seek professional counseling to help her better cope at home. Finally, ask her if it would be easier for her to initiate phone calls when she has the time and focus rather than have you run the risk of calling during another crisis.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

What would you say to Elin Nordegren (Mrs. Tiger Woods) if you were her BFF? Bad news can take many forms but the rules of friendship-on how to help a close friend who is dealing with bad stuff-are fairly universal.

 

What would you say to any friend who was experiencing an overwhelming personal problem? It might be the friend who didn't get into her dream school, the friend whose boyfriend broke off with her, the friend whose husband lost his job, the friend whose son's recent drug charges made their way into the local paper, the friend who had another miscarriage, the friend whose home has been foreclosed by the bank, the friend who was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer, the friend whose daughter has an obvious eating disorder, the friend whose young child was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the friend who suddenly lost her husband, or the office friend who was passed over for a promotion.

 

Although bad stuff happens all the time-at every age and stage of life-it's probably the first time your friend has been faced with this problem. As a result, she may feel confused, alone, victimized, and/or ashamed-and have trouble coping.

 

Here are some suggestions about what you might do as a friend:

 

1) Acknowledge that you know what happened

The story doesn't have to make the front page of US Weekly or the NY Post, but when people in your office, neighborhood, or circle of friends know that something bad went down, don't pretend that you don't-especially if you are a close friend.

Some people think it's impolite to acknowledge that they heard bad news or think that it isn't their place to say anything. They also may not know what to say. This leaves the friend in trouble feeling alone and isolated, even from her closest friends, and unsure why people are reacting that way. Do they know or not? Does their mean they blame her for what happened? Are her friends purposely distancing themselves from her? Are they uncomfortable talking about what happened? Think about how you would feel in similar circumstances. It's a very lonely place to be.

In the most general way, tell your friend that you heard about what happened and that you're so sorry she's in this situation. If your friend asks how you found out, be as honest as you can be without hurting her. If it was a third-person who told you, you don't need to name names.

 

2) Be a good listener and keep the questions to a minimum

She may not be ready to talk and may be unsure of her own feelings. Instead, prime yourself for being a good listener. Don't ask probing questions, prying for details that she doesn't want to discuss or isn't ready to divulge. Let her take the lead in the conversation. By listening, you'll be able to gauge her comfort level in what she's ready or not ready to talk about.

Remind your friend that she can trust you. Ensure her that you'll keep everything she tells you private and MEAN it. If someone has a public profile or has been deeply hurt by someone close to her, she may be particularly wary of other people-including good friends.

 

3) Offer your best advice

She may be grappling with a series of difficult decisions. For example, should she file for divorce, should she seek custody of the kids, should she leave for a vacation in Sweden, and should she talk to the press? It's hard to know what's right and wrong for a friend unless you are in her shoes and know all the facts. Yet, you only know part of the story-what you've heard or what you've been told, not what she's experienced.

My feeling is that friends expect to get unsolicited advice from their close friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that your friend will act upon it but at least you will have provided her with someone else's outside perspective-an opinion from someone who knows and cares about her.

If she rejects what you say, she may have not told you everything, she may not be ready to hear or act upon what you have to say, or she may simply have a different opinion. Unless your friend is engaging in obviously self-destructive behavior, you probably should step back and give her some time to consider or reject your advice.

 

4) Let her know that you are there for her

At times like this, women need their female friends. Tell her explicitly that you want to help out in any way you can. Even if you feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's 14 purported mistresses or the prognosis of her illness, let her know you are there for her in concrete ways. You can offer to watch the kids so she can have some time off or offer to drive her to treatments. Ask her what she needs. If she isn't able to tell you, make some suggestions.

Being there is a process rather than a one-time event. Check in with her periodically even if she doesn't feel like chatting. Keep the calls short or write her a brief note, telling her that you want her to know that you're thinking about her and are available to help when needed. If her needs or those of her family are overwhelming, ask her permission to organize a group of friends who can take turns, for example, bringing meals to the family on different evenings. Recognize that her needs may change over time.

 

5) Resist the temptation to tell her that you know how she feels

You may have experienced death, divorce or disability, but your experience may be far different than hers. Show respect to your friend by listening and responding to her personal experience rather than reciting your own. People need to find their own ways to understand and cope with bad news and loss.

 

I truly hope that Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren have good friends. Sometimes only our female friends can help us dig out of an emotional crisis by being there, providing support, and helping us recognize our own strengths.

 

What are some other ways that you can be there for a friend in trouble?

 

Last month, I posted Girls with Pink Slips on my blog, an article about how friends can help one another cope with the trauma of no-fault job loss, which seems to be so rampant with the downturn of the economy. Unfortunately, none of us are immune to the volatility of the current job market.

Apropos of that post, Debba Hauppert, the founder of Girlfriendology interviewed me on the same topic. You can listen to my podcast interview which is posted on Girlfriendology. Just scroll down the page to the arrow and download the MP3 file.

To learn more about Girlfriendology, an online community based on "girlfriend inspiration, appreciation, and celebration," read my blog interview with Debba.