communication

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I feel so hurt after being dumped by my friend of ten years. We met at the library when our children were two years old and had our second children together months apart. Two years ago she decided to go back and follow her Jewish religion. I am Christian and that is why she dumped me.

 

We no longer go out as families together with our husbands and children. My daughter is very upset and cannot understand why we do not go away with them anymore and why my friend is keeping her daughter away from her. We were always Christian and now her children say they are Jewish.

 

When she had no one and no friends, we were there for her but now that she has Jewish friends, we are not good enough for her anymore. I am so glad I am Christian and not Jewish. Christians are much nicer and do not dump people. They get along with all religions. I now feel sorry for her because I would have done anything for her and her family if she needed me. She will someday see it as her loss.

Signed,
Faith

 

ANSWER

Dear Faith,

You are making a huge assumption that may or may not be correct: That your friend decided to dump you because she turned back to Judaism. It is painful to be dumped by a close friend, and in your case, it also represents an inexplicable loss for your family. But you are making a grave mistake in thinking that any one religion has a monopoly over another in terms of kindness, friendship, and forgiveness---and that one individual's actions define the attitudes of a group. (I might also add that believers aren't always as charitable as those who are not.)

 

It is true that differences in religion, politics and values can create wedges between people who were once close friends---but this generally doesn't happen when friendships are otherwise solid. People accept the differences and agree to disagree so the differences don't interfere with the relationship. My guess is that there is some other reason(s) why your friend has decided to cut you off.

 

Did the split occur right after her decision to change religions (two years ago) or has it been more recent? Right now you sound very hurt and angry but when you are able to, you need to speak to your once-friend to find out what happened from her perspective. Either it will help you understand what went wrong so you can rectify the misunderstanding or disagreement, or it will help you get a better sense of closure so you can move forward. In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I write about the many reasons why friendships change over time.

 

I hope this is helpful and you can work things out with your friend.

Best,
Irene

As soon as my brother-in-law learned that my mother's health was declining, Don responded by putting her on his Saturday morning "call list." Every weekend, Don places calls to a growing list of friends and relatives who are housebound, lonely, and/or ill. His uplifting phone calls aren't obligatory. He calls because he cares and is genuinely interested in listening to people and helping them solve or better cope with their problems.

 

Some people live very lonely lives. Last week a 78-year-old retired New York City schoolteacher, named Jane Wild, who lived in a white Cape Cod in my own hamlet (Chappaqua, New York) was found dead in her second-floor bathroom. The local newspaper reported that Wild was a recluse with few friends and no family except for a sister who lived with her, until she died in 1985. Since then, Jane was only known to have received occasional visits from a male friend, who died last summer. What made the story all the more remarkable was that Jane Wild had been dead for at least six months before anyone even noticed---this, despite the fact that her utilities had been turned off and mail had accumulated to the point where her mailbox was so stuffed that the mailman stopped delivering. No neighbors had thought to check on her.

 

Like hand-penned letters, the number of phone calls being made is decreasing relative to other types of electronic communications. There was a time---before email and faxes---when many workers had long "call lists" on their desks with the names of colleagues they planned to contact the next morning. Now people are more likely to text, IM, tweet, or use email, depending on their age and personal preference. The contact may take place while they are walking down a city street, or riding in a car or train. People tend to multi-task rather than listen to the person at the other end of the phone with full attention.

 

Phone calls, even perfunctory ones, may have already become altogether passé. My twenty-something son, like a growing number of Americans doesn't own a landline. He recently told me that he rarely initiates cell phone calls (yes, he still gets them from me!) except when there's a problem with his bank account or cable TV.

 

Yet a simple phone call with a warm voice at the other hand can change a person's day. I'm amazed at how Don's phone calls can perk up my mom's spirits, albeit for a short time. It makes you wonder if each of us should have a Saturday morning "call list" to express our affection for the people we truly care about.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My daughter, Amy, is 16 years old. She is a very sweet girl, a good student, and has a variety of interests like playing the flute, singing in the chorus, writing for the student paper and acting in school plays. She also has a part-time job at our local ice cream shop. She is a bit different than most kids because we live in a small town that is dominated by a certain clannish church (LDS), which we do not belong to, so she is a bit of an outcast. She has about five to ten friends. Her best friend for the past two years has been Heidi, an LDS girl that shares her interests in music and acting.

Last year, Heidi’s divorced parents began hurling accusations at each other over a custody dispute, so the local judge removed her from the home and put her into foster care. She wasn’t allowed unsupervised contact with either parent, not even phone calls. Amy and Heidi were extremely close when Heidi needed someone to help her get through this tough time. (Just as an aside, I’m not a fan of her mother. I think she is domineering and controlling. Also, she could have easily prevented her daughter from being placed in foster care by not allowing her boyfriend in her house and by playing nice with the judge.)

After a year in foster care, Heidi was allowed to live with her mother again. Now that she is back with her mom, she has distanced herself from Amy. Amy is upset and confused, not understanding what she did to deserve this. Heidi wrote Amy an e-mail saying that they have issues: Amy has more money than Heidi (because she has a job) which makes Heidi feel bad, and that Amy tries to make Heidi do immoral things (I asked what she was talking about since both girls are very good and aren’t into drinking, drugs or sex, and Amy said that she had asked her to go to the free concert at the park that the town puts on and a local music festival, both of which are family-oriented events. Apparently the fact that people (adults) drink beer at these events was the problem!)

I don’t know what to tell Amy to do. She doesn’t want to lose her best friend since most of her life she has been without a best friend, but it really angers me that this girl is being so mean to the one person who was there for her through the roughest time in her life. I told Amy to stand up for herself, and not accept blame for things she isn’t guilty of. I also explained that going to church isn’t what makes you a moral person; it is how you treat others that makes you moral.

Do you have any advice that I could pass along to her?

Signed, Helen

ANSWER

Dear Helen,

When children are young, parents often manage their relationships with other kids. As they get older, however, preadolescents and teens want to choose their own friends, sometimes from families that have different values than their own.

One of the tasks of these years is for a young, soon-to-be adult to learn the skills of being a good friend and how to assess whether a friend is being kind, loyal and trustworthy to them. There is a fine line between coaching your child and making decisions for them. While parents need to be open about expressing their own values they have to resist the impulse to jump in and solve problems for their teens unless their child’s health or safety is being threatened.

The best thing you can do is talk to your daughter about friendships, in general, and try to get her to talk openly about her feelings about her best friend. It sounds like you have made a good start. Empathize with her disappointment and reassure her that friendships, even very good ones, change over time. You might point out that Heidi may need time to reconnect and bond with her mother and isn’t able to be the friend she once was to Amy right now.

Explain to Amy that no friendship is perfect. Sometimes problems can be worked out and sometimes they can’t. Remind her that she has other family and friends to fall back upon and the fact that she has made one best friend shows that she is capable of making another. In fact, her relationship with Heidi may improve after her friend feels more comfortable in her new setting.

It is painful for a parent to see their child being hurt by a friend but consider this a teachable moment that will serve Amy well in the future. Remember that your daughter has sound values and that kids are generally more resilient than their parents think they are.

I hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

TWITTER VERSION - Unless your teen's health or safety is at risk, resist the temptation to solve friendship problems for her.

Every friendship, even the best of them, has predictable peaks and valleys---but the low points can still threaten even a solid friendship. Perhaps, the friend who you were sure would be your best friend forever (BFF) is beginning to feel intrusive and grating on your nerves. Or your BFF has disappointed you, let you down big-time, or displayed an inexcusable lapse in judgment. It may even be something more subtle, yet equally serious: You’re seeing each other less and less, and you simply feel like you are drifting apart. What do you say?

Many close friendships on the brink of disaster can be salvaged if friends are able to communicate openly and tell each other what’s bothering them. But it’s normal to feel awkward and tongue-tied about speaking up and talking about uncomfortable things; we all find it difficult to find the right words to say at the right time.

What better person to ask about how to handle some of these awkward but common friendship scenarios than Florence Isaacs, author of the recently released What Do You Say When…Talking to People with Confidence on any Social or Business Occasion (Clarkson Potter, May 2009)?

The questions I posed to Florence each began with What do you say to a friend when…?

Here are her responses:

1)    …your friend talks about herself too much and is beginning to bore you to tears
It depends on how close you are and how much you get out of the relationship otherwise.  If you’re not that close, the answer is, “Take her in small doses.” Maybe you have to see or talk to her less often and/or limit the amount of time you spend on each encounter. On the other hand, if she’s your best friend and you want to protect the relationship, you need to talk about this or the annoyance can build and lead to an explosion. You might try something like, “Our friendship is really important to me, but I feel our conversations are never about me and my life. I miss the back and forth we used to have.” Then keep quiet and let her respond.  She may not realize she’s become so self-involved, or there may be some reason for her behavior that you’re not aware of.

2)  … your friend asks too many personal or probing questions and is making you feel like you are on the witness stand   

First try humor, as in “Asked and answered, counselor.” This may help her realize she’s overdoing it. But if she continues to behave this way and your relationship is close, you have to be honest. You might say, “Hey, you’re asking a lot of questions. I don’t like it. Back off.”

3)  …your friend has undermined you at work

First find out whether it’s intentional. Did she mean to harm you? If the answer is no, you can still address the situation with "I know you didn’t mean to, but you messed up my client meeting.” Deliberate undermining is another matter. In that case, the friendship is over. I’d confront the person and say, “I know what you did.”  

4)  …your friend always seems to be “booked” and inaccessible, and you feel like you are drifting apart

This can happen when one friend gets married or has a baby or gets a big promotion—and the other friend does not. One has a new life style and/or new time consuming responsibilities and obligations. It can take time for both of you to figure out how to adjust. Tell the person, “I feel we hardly get together anymore and I’m afraid we’re disconnecting.” She may be as unhappy about it as you are. A conversation can lead to brainstorming solutions. It’s up to her to make an effort, however, because you’ve been trying to get together all along.

5)  …your friend has had an irreconcilable tiff with a mutual friend

Stay out of it. If she wants you on her side, tell her, “You’re both my friends and I don’t want to be part of this. It’s strictly between the two of you.” Don’t let either of them drag you into their fight, although they will probably try.

* My prolific colleague and friend also wrote Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make Or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career (William Morrow, 1999).

An article in New York Daily News today had a catchy headline that attracted my attention. It read: Women who gossip can live a happy and healthier life, study finds.

Every blogger is acutely aware that, regardless of content, the title of a post strongly influences whether or not a post will be read. To be honest, I wish I were better at composing titles for my own blog. Even the title of this one isn’t very good. However, the Daily News title really irked and insulted me. Why? First, it implies that all talk among women is gossip. Second, the study had nothing to do with gossip, as it is conventionally defined. Here's the real story: 

In the June issue of Hormones and Behavior, assistant professor of internal medicine Stephanie Brown of the University of Michigan Medical School reported on a study that found that women who bonded together emotionally had higher levels of the hormone progesterone than those with more tenuous ties.

While a number of prior studies have linked strong social supports to better health outcomes, the underlying basis for this connection hasn’t been clear. This new study suggests that a hormone associated with social bonding, specifically progesterone, may play a role in protecting women’s health and enhancing their longevity.

 

Read more about the study in ScienceDaily.com/

QUESTION:

Not sure how I will find this once I post it, but here is a good question about women and friendship. If you are busy with work/play/school/other responsibilities and have a totally different time and life schedule, is it okay for a friend to drop by anytime without calling?

I have a friend/maybe had, that feels a friend should never have to call ahead to visit. She says her door is always open. We had a blow-up over that very issue. She was upset that she spent gas to come here and didn't get to be invited inside. I had left with someone, taking their transportation, not my own, so she assumed (car is there-pets are there) that I must be home and not answering.

I say, even if I had been, that is okay too, to not want company unannounced. My apology and an offer to give her money for gas led to a response that any friend would welcome me as I do them, open door. And she said though I did say sorry to get on with my life and if I want to visit her I do not need to call ahead.

-Anonymous

ANSWER:

Dear Anonymous,

You’re asking about whether it’s okay for friends to drop in on one another. There's no right or wrong: It depends on their relationship and how each friend feels about it.

In your case, it sounds like you may have an out-of-sync friendship. You seem to be on a fast-track, juggling multiple responsibilities; your friend has enough spare time to take a cruise to your house not knowing whether you’ll be there or not (even though the price of gas is nearly 4 bucks a gallon!) One of you is a casual type and thinks it is perfectly okay to drop in on a friend unannounced; the other would always call and expect to be called if the situation were reversed.

What concerns me more than these differences is that your friend is unwilling to accept the boundaries that make you feel comfortable, and she doesn’t trust or believe you when you tell her something.

Seems like your communication problems ended in what must have been an uncomfortable blow-up. These are your options: You can apologize when cooler heads prevail; you can make believe it never happened and visit her to “patch up” the friendship, or you can let go of the friendship---if it feels toxic and makes you feel uncomfortable.

Whatever you decide to do, hopefully, this unpleasant experience has taught you something about yourself, about your friend, and about the complexities of friendships.