communication

The dirty little secret no one talks about...

 

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don't last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there's a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

 

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure---relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets---our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings---resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

 

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it's not surprising that friendships fray. Anne's story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

 

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

 

1) Communicate

There's a wall of silence between you. She isn't answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven't seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there's any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what's wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

 

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong-or who didn't do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn't going to work.

 

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

 

4) Take a break

You've approached your friend to sort out the problem and you've been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

 

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

 

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren't clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they're likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about---except on The Friendship Blog.com.

 

This post, by me, is the third in a weeklong series of posts by the bloggers involved in The Friendship Circle as part of The Month of Friendship. The blogs include: Girlfriendology, GirlfriendCelebrations, GirlfriendCircles, MWFSeekingBFF, and TheFriendshipBlog.

 

 

 

 

 

By Cara Sprunk

 

Having a new roommate is tough. Especially if you are "assigned" to each other and you don't have full control over the person whose bed will be right next to yours for a full year. Trust me, I've been there. I had the worst roommate of anyone I've ever spoken to. Lucky me.

My freshman year roommate and I failed to get to know each other or become friends - we were strictly two strangers who happened to share a room the size of a prison cell. We tried to make rules - our one attempt at creating a livable environment. We agreed on simple things like always locking the door (so don't forget your key!). I was paranoid about my laptop or jewelry being stolen and most of the people in our hall didn't lock their door so I was glad we agreed on that.

We also mutually decided to use headphones when listening to music, as we clearly didn't agree on music tastes or studying schedules. But we failed to make rules about guests in our room, cleanliness policies, smoking policies, and a whole host of other things. Because we had a bad relationship, I couldn't trust her and would occasionally feel like I had to hide my things. Having a roommate you can't trust is awful.

When I came across my sophomore year roommate, I vowed to make that year far more successful in terms of my living situation. Before we moved in, my roommate Jen and I both agreed that we needed some alone time, so it would be beneficial to our relationships if we sometimes just left each other alone. For example, I would come home from class and want to lie on my bed watching TV or talking on the phone. If Jen saw me she might choose to hang out in someone else's room for a little bit, and vice versa. We also established boundaries about guests. If I had a friend over who I knew Jen didn't completely love, I would hang out with her in a common space so as not to bother Jen.

Understanding and managing the distinction between roommate and friend was difficult. I loved Jen; she was a great friend. But sometimes she would do little things that would drive me crazy, and I know she'd say the same. I had to put my feelings for Jen my roommate aside, so they didn't seep out when we were in social situations. It would be a complete waste of time and energy to be mad at her for waking me up late the night before while we were having lunch with all our friends on campus. It made more sense to deal with it when we were in the room saying, ‘Hey, can you try to be more quiet when you come in?' This problem was ongoing and resulted in me having to use a Facemask to block the light when I needed to sleep.

I thought I knew Jen before we moved in, but when you live with someone you get to know them better than you'd want to. You know how clean they are, how often they shower---every little thing you didn't need to know. Again, you can't penalize your roommate for being kind of messy in situations outside of your room if you intend to continue a friendship with them. If Jen yelled at me for keeping an open drink on the table while we were out at a party it would have been super detrimental to our friendship. We discussed issues like that when we were in the room or just alone.

My best advice for living with a roommate can be summed up in this, communicate: Communicate rules, boundaries, and expectations. Then, if you want to have a relationship with the person beyond just roommates, keep roommate issues in the room!

*Cara Sprunk is a recent Cornell graduate with a Bachelor's degree in American Studies with a concentration in American culture. She is the managing editor of Her Campus, an online magazine for college women and the former assistant editor of Red Letter Daze, the weekend magazine supplement to the Cornell Daily Sun. She is former senior writer for Red Letter Daze and both the news and arts & entertainment sections of the Cornell Daily Sun. Cara has interned at Life & Style Weekly, OK! Magazine, and Star Magazine.

If you're heading back to college, you may want to take a look at some of these prior posts on The Friendship Blog.

GW Student Newspaper interviews The Friendship Doctor on College Friendships

College Friendships: A case of easy come, easy go?

Guest Post: Making friends at college

 

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter. 

If you're interested in female friendships, put this post in the simply fascinating category. Few prior studies have looked at the social structures of whales but a recent one made an intriguing observation: After returning from the ocean, the same small groups of female humpback whales meet up each summer to swim alongside each other and feed in the Gulf of St. Lawrence.

 

Using photographic identification techniques, researchers with the Mingan Island Cetacean Study Group in Canada and their colleagues from Germany and Sweden recorded the movements, from 1997-2005, of five categories of whales: juvenile males, juvenile females, mature males, lactating females and non-lactating females.

 

The researchers found long-term associations (might we call them friendships?) between mature males and non-lactating females as well as among non-lactating females. However, only the non-lactating females had annual reunions with females of similar ages for as many as six seasons. Additionally, those females with the most stable and long-lasting friendships were more likely to give birth to calves. The researchers suspect that the annual reunions are associated with more cooperative feeding practices. The male-female groups stayed together for about two weeks during the feeding season but didn't meet up again during consecutive years.

 

Without underwater cell phones or Blackberries, how were the whales able to reconnect? It's not clear how they found each other over the vast ocean but sound, which travels four times faster in water than air, probably plays an important role.

 

The study was published in the journal Behavioral Ecology and Sociobiology.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

When a woman feels that she has a problem with a long-term friend or friendship, why does she not simply sit down and work it out? Why does she prefer to let the friendship die instead of trying to repair it? How can she just turn her back after so many years? It seems to me that women only remain friends as long as everything is perfect. As soon as a problem arises, they cut and run. Why are we such cowards?

Signed,
Lucy

 

ANSWER

Dear Lucy,

Like any other relationship, friendships are rarely perfect. Friends make seamless accommodations to one another all the time. But when larger issues or conflicts arise, they can suddenly create a wedge between two people. Perhaps, it's something one friend said or did that hurt the other person, or something she didn't say or do when she should have. Given the many myths associated with female friendships, it's easy to hold close friends up to unrealistic standards, and to feel disappointed or betrayed when they don't measure up.

 

So why don't friends just talk about it?

• Some women are afraid of dealing with a conflict or disagreement, even at the risk of losing a good friend.

• Some women don't know how to broach an uncomfortable subject because they lack self-confidence or experience resolving friendship problems. It may feel easier to avoid the problem and ditch the friend.

• Some women decide, rightly or wrongly, that a friendship is irreparable. Perhaps, words were exchanged that were so hurtful that they can't be taken back or undone. Or perhaps, things were building up for some time and this was the proverbial last straw.

 

More times than not, problems between friends can be resolved with open and honest communication. Think about it: There is usually much more to be gained than lost by trying to resolve a misunderstanding and if it doesn't work out, you are no worse off for trying. Thanks for your question reminding us that the risks are worthwhile if the relationship is a meaningful one.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I am 51 years old, married 28 years, with 3 grown kids. I work at a gym as a personal trainer/spinning instructor. I quickly became friends with a woman 10 years younger who moved here from another state. She is 40 years old, single, without any kids, and had been in a verbally abusive relationship with a guy.

 

Her enthusiasm and motivation for spinning and weight training were the same as mine and we began to really like each other's company. She and I would grab a bite to eat for dinner one or two times a week after class, which both of us enjoyed. Since she likes to cook, many nights she would come over after a spin/yoga class and cook for my husband and I, and our son who is still in high school. She became a fast and furious friend and called herself my sister. People believed her because we kind of look alike!

 

Here is the fallout. I introduced her to a client who I personal train who is single, 57 years old (but looks 47). This person is energetic and has her own real estate business. She is witty, funny and very likeable, and knows many people in this town. My friend took a liking to her immediately and the three of us would go out for dinner after yoga/spin. That was OK with me, but as time went on I could see that my friend was becoming more interested in my client.

 

My friend loves to get all dressed up on weekends and parties at a very exclusive club in our town. She asked both of us to come one night. It was a total singles hang out! I was not interested in meeting men that were only looking for a one-night stand. I had a horrible time but my friend enjoyed all the attention she was getting from these men and started going with my client every weekend. (I usually do things anyway with my husband on the weekends).

 

Their friendship progressed to get-togethers that didn't include me. My client basically took my friend away from me. The client was cancelling her sessions for training consistently, so I told her to just quit. Then she became angry with me for taking her off my schedule.

 

My friend and I have not spoken to one another in over a week. She used to text me 5-6 times a day so to go from this to no communication at all is weird. There is more to this story, but I just gave you the basics. I am very hurt as I write this. How can I start to accept who she is and move on from here? I have not tried to contact her. I just can't right now and maybe never! Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully responding. I appreciate it.

Signed,
Monica

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Monica,

It's painful to lose friends---and disturbing to lose clients. The two happened simultaneously for you. What was particularly hurtful was that both these relationships ended awkwardly without communication.

 

Your friend came to a new town and was skilled at making new friends. First, she bonded with you over your common interest in spinning/weight training. Then she got involved with your client, who in addition to sharing an interest in spinning was also interested in meeting men.

 

Let's separate the two hurts: In terms of your friend, she was a bit opportunistic in ditching you when she found your client. Friends don't own each other so you can't really blame her for forming a friendship with someone to whom you introduced her. However, it wasn't nice of her to simply dump and replace you. At this point, you need to evaluate how you feel about your friend. If you want to resurrect your friendship, you will need to discuss what happened.

 

In terms of your client, the realtor, she may have begun to feel uncomfortable in her sessions with you because she knew you were upset about her relationship with your friend. Cancelling sessions may have been an easy way for her to avoid you. When you simply took her off your schedule, without talking about it, you raised the stakes.

 

As uncomfortable as discussions like these may be, they could have averted the "fallout." Your workplace offers a perfect opportunity to meet women who share your interests but becoming friends with a client also carries risks. If you live in a small town and are concerned about your reputation, you may want to offer each client a free spinning session to let them know you would welcome working with them again professionally.

Hope this helps!

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I feel so hurt after being dumped by my friend of ten years. We met at the library when our children were two years old and had our second children together months apart. Two years ago she decided to go back and follow her Jewish religion. I am Christian and that is why she dumped me.

 

We no longer go out as families together with our husbands and children. My daughter is very upset and cannot understand why we do not go away with them anymore and why my friend is keeping her daughter away from her. We were always Christian and now her children say they are Jewish.

 

When she had no one and no friends, we were there for her but now that she has Jewish friends, we are not good enough for her anymore. I am so glad I am Christian and not Jewish. Christians are much nicer and do not dump people. They get along with all religions. I now feel sorry for her because I would have done anything for her and her family if she needed me. She will someday see it as her loss.

Signed,
Faith

 

ANSWER

Dear Faith,

You are making a huge assumption that may or may not be correct: That your friend decided to dump you because she turned back to Judaism. It is painful to be dumped by a close friend, and in your case, it also represents an inexplicable loss for your family. But you are making a grave mistake in thinking that any one religion has a monopoly over another in terms of kindness, friendship, and forgiveness---and that one individual's actions define the attitudes of a group. (I might also add that believers aren't always as charitable as those who are not.)

 

It is true that differences in religion, politics and values can create wedges between people who were once close friends---but this generally doesn't happen when friendships are otherwise solid. People accept the differences and agree to disagree so the differences don't interfere with the relationship. My guess is that there is some other reason(s) why your friend has decided to cut you off.

 

Did the split occur right after her decision to change religions (two years ago) or has it been more recent? Right now you sound very hurt and angry but when you are able to, you need to speak to your once-friend to find out what happened from her perspective. Either it will help you understand what went wrong so you can rectify the misunderstanding or disagreement, or it will help you get a better sense of closure so you can move forward. In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I write about the many reasons why friendships change over time.

 

I hope this is helpful and you can work things out with your friend.

Best,
Irene

As soon as my brother-in-law learned that my mother's health was declining, Don responded by putting her on his Saturday morning "call list." Every weekend, Don places calls to a growing list of friends and relatives who are housebound, lonely, and/or ill. His uplifting phone calls aren't obligatory. He calls because he cares and is genuinely interested in listening to people and helping them solve or better cope with their problems.

 

Some people live very lonely lives. Last week a 78-year-old retired New York City schoolteacher, named Jane Wild, who lived in a white Cape Cod in my own hamlet (Chappaqua, New York) was found dead in her second-floor bathroom. The local newspaper reported that Wild was a recluse with few friends and no family except for a sister who lived with her, until she died in 1985. Since then, Jane was only known to have received occasional visits from a male friend, who died last summer. What made the story all the more remarkable was that Jane Wild had been dead for at least six months before anyone even noticed---this, despite the fact that her utilities had been turned off and mail had accumulated to the point where her mailbox was so stuffed that the mailman stopped delivering. No neighbors had thought to check on her.

 

Like hand-penned letters, the number of phone calls being made is decreasing relative to other types of electronic communications. There was a time---before email and faxes---when many workers had long "call lists" on their desks with the names of colleagues they planned to contact the next morning. Now people are more likely to text, IM, tweet, or use email, depending on their age and personal preference. The contact may take place while they are walking down a city street, or riding in a car or train. People tend to multi-task rather than listen to the person at the other end of the phone with full attention.

 

Phone calls, even perfunctory ones, may have already become altogether passé. My twenty-something son, like a growing number of Americans doesn't own a landline. He recently told me that he rarely initiates cell phone calls (yes, he still gets them from me!) except when there's a problem with his bank account or cable TV.

 

Yet a simple phone call with a warm voice at the other hand can change a person's day. I'm amazed at how Don's phone calls can perk up my mom's spirits, albeit for a short time. It makes you wonder if each of us should have a Saturday morning "call list" to express our affection for the people we truly care about.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My daughter, Amy, is 16 years old. She is a very sweet girl, a good student, and has a variety of interests like playing the flute, singing in the chorus, writing for the student paper and acting in school plays. She also has a part-time job at our local ice cream shop. She is a bit different than most kids because we live in a small town that is dominated by a certain clannish church (LDS), which we do not belong to, so she is a bit of an outcast. She has about five to ten friends. Her best friend for the past two years has been Heidi, an LDS girl that shares her interests in music and acting.

Last year, Heidi’s divorced parents began hurling accusations at each other over a custody dispute, so the local judge removed her from the home and put her into foster care. She wasn’t allowed unsupervised contact with either parent, not even phone calls. Amy and Heidi were extremely close when Heidi needed someone to help her get through this tough time. (Just as an aside, I’m not a fan of her mother. I think she is domineering and controlling. Also, she could have easily prevented her daughter from being placed in foster care by not allowing her boyfriend in her house and by playing nice with the judge.)

After a year in foster care, Heidi was allowed to live with her mother again. Now that she is back with her mom, she has distanced herself from Amy. Amy is upset and confused, not understanding what she did to deserve this. Heidi wrote Amy an e-mail saying that they have issues: Amy has more money than Heidi (because she has a job) which makes Heidi feel bad, and that Amy tries to make Heidi do immoral things (I asked what she was talking about since both girls are very good and aren’t into drinking, drugs or sex, and Amy said that she had asked her to go to the free concert at the park that the town puts on and a local music festival, both of which are family-oriented events. Apparently the fact that people (adults) drink beer at these events was the problem!)

I don’t know what to tell Amy to do. She doesn’t want to lose her best friend since most of her life she has been without a best friend, but it really angers me that this girl is being so mean to the one person who was there for her through the roughest time in her life. I told Amy to stand up for herself, and not accept blame for things she isn’t guilty of. I also explained that going to church isn’t what makes you a moral person; it is how you treat others that makes you moral.

Do you have any advice that I could pass along to her?

Signed, Helen

ANSWER

Dear Helen,

When children are young, parents often manage their relationships with other kids. As they get older, however, preadolescents and teens want to choose their own friends, sometimes from families that have different values than their own.

One of the tasks of these years is for a young, soon-to-be adult to learn the skills of being a good friend and how to assess whether a friend is being kind, loyal and trustworthy to them. There is a fine line between coaching your child and making decisions for them. While parents need to be open about expressing their own values they have to resist the impulse to jump in and solve problems for their teens unless their child’s health or safety is being threatened.

The best thing you can do is talk to your daughter about friendships, in general, and try to get her to talk openly about her feelings about her best friend. It sounds like you have made a good start. Empathize with her disappointment and reassure her that friendships, even very good ones, change over time. You might point out that Heidi may need time to reconnect and bond with her mother and isn’t able to be the friend she once was to Amy right now.

Explain to Amy that no friendship is perfect. Sometimes problems can be worked out and sometimes they can’t. Remind her that she has other family and friends to fall back upon and the fact that she has made one best friend shows that she is capable of making another. In fact, her relationship with Heidi may improve after her friend feels more comfortable in her new setting.

It is painful for a parent to see their child being hurt by a friend but consider this a teachable moment that will serve Amy well in the future. Remember that your daughter has sound values and that kids are generally more resilient than their parents think they are.

I hope this is helpful.

My best,
Irene

TWITTER VERSION - Unless your teen's health or safety is at risk, resist the temptation to solve friendship problems for her.

Every friendship, even the best of them, has predictable peaks and valleys---but the low points can still threaten even a solid friendship. Perhaps, the friend who you were sure would be your best friend forever (BFF) is beginning to feel intrusive and grating on your nerves. Or your BFF has disappointed you, let you down big-time, or displayed an inexcusable lapse in judgment. It may even be something more subtle, yet equally serious: You’re seeing each other less and less, and you simply feel like you are drifting apart. What do you say?

Many close friendships on the brink of disaster can be salvaged if friends are able to communicate openly and tell each other what’s bothering them. But it’s normal to feel awkward and tongue-tied about speaking up and talking about uncomfortable things; we all find it difficult to find the right words to say at the right time.

What better person to ask about how to handle some of these awkward but common friendship scenarios than Florence Isaacs, author of the recently released What Do You Say When…Talking to People with Confidence on any Social or Business Occasion (Clarkson Potter, May 2009)?

The questions I posed to Florence each began with What do you say to a friend when…?

Here are her responses:

1)    …your friend talks about herself too much and is beginning to bore you to tears
It depends on how close you are and how much you get out of the relationship otherwise.  If you’re not that close, the answer is, “Take her in small doses.” Maybe you have to see or talk to her less often and/or limit the amount of time you spend on each encounter. On the other hand, if she’s your best friend and you want to protect the relationship, you need to talk about this or the annoyance can build and lead to an explosion. You might try something like, “Our friendship is really important to me, but I feel our conversations are never about me and my life. I miss the back and forth we used to have.” Then keep quiet and let her respond.  She may not realize she’s become so self-involved, or there may be some reason for her behavior that you’re not aware of.

2)  … your friend asks too many personal or probing questions and is making you feel like you are on the witness stand   

First try humor, as in “Asked and answered, counselor.” This may help her realize she’s overdoing it. But if she continues to behave this way and your relationship is close, you have to be honest. You might say, “Hey, you’re asking a lot of questions. I don’t like it. Back off.”

3)  …your friend has undermined you at work

First find out whether it’s intentional. Did she mean to harm you? If the answer is no, you can still address the situation with "I know you didn’t mean to, but you messed up my client meeting.” Deliberate undermining is another matter. In that case, the friendship is over. I’d confront the person and say, “I know what you did.”  

4)  …your friend always seems to be “booked” and inaccessible, and you feel like you are drifting apart

This can happen when one friend gets married or has a baby or gets a big promotion—and the other friend does not. One has a new life style and/or new time consuming responsibilities and obligations. It can take time for both of you to figure out how to adjust. Tell the person, “I feel we hardly get together anymore and I’m afraid we’re disconnecting.” She may be as unhappy about it as you are. A conversation can lead to brainstorming solutions. It’s up to her to make an effort, however, because you’ve been trying to get together all along.

5)  …your friend has had an irreconcilable tiff with a mutual friend

Stay out of it. If she wants you on her side, tell her, “You’re both my friends and I don’t want to be part of this. It’s strictly between the two of you.” Don’t let either of them drag you into their fight, although they will probably try.

* My prolific colleague and friend also wrote Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make Or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career (William Morrow, 1999).

An article in New York Daily News today had a catchy headline that attracted my attention. It read: Women who gossip can live a happy and healthier life, study finds.

Every blogger is acutely aware that, regardless of content, the title of a post strongly influences whether or not a post will be read. To be honest, I wish I were better at composing titles for my own blog. Even the title of this one isn’t very good. However, the Daily News title really irked and insulted me. Why? First, it implies that all talk among women is gossip. Second, the study had nothing to do with gossip, as it is conventionally defined. Here's the real story: 

In the June issue of Hormones and Behavior, assistant professor of internal medicine Stephanie Brown of the University of Michigan Medical School reported on a study that found that women who bonded together emotionally had higher levels of the hormone progesterone than those with more tenuous ties.

While a number of prior studies have linked strong social supports to better health outcomes, the underlying basis for this connection hasn’t been clear. This new study suggests that a hormone associated with social bonding, specifically progesterone, may play a role in protecting women’s health and enhancing their longevity.

 

Read more about the study in ScienceDaily.com/