church

Hi Irene,

Throughout my life (I am now 25) I have had problems with friendships ending poorly, usually with friends betraying and/or abandoning me. This has been a contributing factor to my depression, which, in turn, makes it harder to make new friends.

I have a new best friend, my husband, and he is great, but it's not the same as having girlfriends. I have tried to reach out to some of the women in my church--inviting them out for coffee or shopping-- but no one has been receptive. I seem to be incapable of making new friends and I think my depresion therapy is stalling because of it. What else can I do?

Sincerely,
Rose

ANSWER

Dear Rose,

It's hard to make new friends (and even keep old ones) when you're depressed so I really applaud your efforts. Depression saps your energy, turns you inward, and creates a distance between you and other people.

Focus on finding an activity or hobby that interests you, rather than on finding friends, per se. Perhaps there is a small group at your church or in your community where you can participate regularly and begin to meet people through common interests. It will give you time to get to know someone and gain some trust before you develop a friendship.

Talk to your therapist explicitly about your problem in making friends. Like depression, friendship problems are real too. Yours may be a byproduct of your depression and/or may stem from something else. He/she may be able to help you identify the underlying problem.

Many people with depression benefit from participation in a support group, such as those sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, where they can meet other people who understand because they are having similar problems. When your depression lifts, which it will with good treatment, the task of finding a good friend won't be as formidable. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time!

Warm wishes,
Irene

Hi Irene,

I have been reading the questions and answers on your website and finding them very helpful. I thought I would write and ask my own question. I have a friend with whom I'm currently going through a break up.

For a year or so, she's either ignored me or shut me out when she is going through something hard or is cross about something. I decided not to be close to her anymore as I find it too painful to be ignored for months on end and then treated like nothing has happened.

My dilemmas: We go to the same church, which is small so I see her every week. I try to say hello. Sometimes she will speak to me. Other times, she ignores me and I feel hurt all over again. How should I act around her?

Also our sons are good friends and haven't been spending much time together as we are not visiting each other's homes any more. I don't think it's fair to let our problems come between our sons' friendship (they are only 5), but having play dates would seem weird to me and I'm not sure what to do about this.

We have been friends for the past ten years and I'm having issues letting go so I feel guilty and think she is just reacting to me not being so friendly with her.What do you suggest about our son thing and how to just move on when I see her every week?

Thanks
Sheila

ANSWER

Dear Sheila:

If this situation has been going on for about a year, I presume that you've tried to talk to your friend about it without any satisfactory resolution. You really have no choice but to move on.

Breaking up is never easy but if you've truly decided the relationship is over, the answers to your questions are straightforward:

1) Always say hello and act cordially at church, regardless of your friend's response. You live in the same community and will invariably see one another. if you take the high road, you'll be able to feel good about it.

2) In terms of your kids, at the age of 5, parents still determine friendships. Given your current relationship with your once-friend, I'd advise against setting up play dates for your sons. You're right. It would be too uncomfortable.

Like most breakups, yours isn't simple---especially because children are involved as well. It reminds me of another breakup question I recently answered. In that instance. too, a friend withdrew without explanation when she was besieged by personal problems. When this happens, it leaves the abandoned friend feeling helpless and hurt. Since your situation with your friend is recurrent, you need to find other friends who are more stable and predictable. You've tried to be there for her over and over and she has only rebuffed you.

Hope this is helpful,

Irene

The last time I heard the words "Blue Christmas," they were crooned by Elvis. This morning, my local paper ran an article by religion writer Gary Stern noting that two churches in Westchester County, New York, are holding special "Blue Christmas" services for people who are "sad, angry, depressed, lonely, melancholy or uncertain. "

Churches around the nation have been doing the same for more than a decade, traditionally scheduling these services on the day with the least amount of light; this year, the winter solstice falls on Sunday, December 21. The services are often somber and ecumenical, using candles to acknowledge that many are experiencing pain, loneliness, or grief.

Unfortunately, we all know at least one person who'll be experiencing a Blue Christmas this time around. The economic turndown has resulted in lost jobs, lost homes, increased costs, and for many, a looming sense of financial uncertainty. This month alone, the pending collapse of the Big Three Automakers and the mind-boggling Madoff affair were the icing on the cake of financial despair.

With government cutbacks, gaps in the health and social welfare systems have become gaping holes. And people are still reeling from the tragic costs, both human and economic, of the war in Iraq and from a string of man-made and natural disasters that caused senseless death and destruction.

If you know someone who is likely to feel blue over the holidays, be sensitive and don't overdo the merriment and good cheer. Figure out which friends, relatives, or neighbors you can help and what you can do. Sometimes even a "Hi, I'm thinking of you" phone call helps. Reminding them they aren't alone may be all they need to get over this holiday hump.

Listen to Blue Christmas on YouTube