children

By Diane Auer-Jones

 

I read this morning in The New York Times that some schools, teachers, and even summer-camp counselors are working hard to disrupt best friend relationships and, instead, encourage youngsters to be part of big groups. Some schools and camps go so far that they intentionally break up best friends by, for example, assigning them to different classes, different sports teams, or even directly pairing them with another child who is seemingly lonely and without friends of his or her own. Sure, some best-friend relationships may be unhealthy and destructive, and I agree that school officials may need to intervene in those cases. On the other hand, for the most part, I would encourage school officials to get back to the important job of teaching students how to read and write and allow the kids to work through the ups and downs of friendships, while encouraging parents to intervene if a friendship becomes noticeably dangerous.

 

Sure, some friend pairings can turn out to be destructive and elitist, but most aren't. On the other hand, there are plenty of examples of friend groupings-some call them gangs-that aren't such a positive thing either. Maybe, just maybe, we ought to just let kids work through friendships on their own, recognizing that while some children might gravitate toward a best-friend pairing, others may be friend roamers-the kinds of kids who seem to have multiple groups of friends rather than a single BFF.

 

As I read the article, I couldn't help but think about my own best friend and the many ways our friend-pairing has enriched my life since I was five years old. I met my best friend on my first day of school, and while we spent about three months as arch competitors and enemies (or at least to the extent that five-year-olds can be), we soon became best friends. When a school redistricting effort in the early 1970's took us, together, to a new school, our bond was further strengthened by the mile-long walk we shared every morning and every afternoon from our district-border homes to the new, open-space school.

 

I can't imagine my life without Evie. There were sleep-overs almost every weekend, and together, over the years, we learned how to bake, play tennis (sort of), speak French, march in a drill team, sing in a choir, and countless other things. We spent endless hours listening to Elton John and the Bay City Rollers, and while we were separated as she attended Catholic education classes, took horseback riding lessons, and became an accomplished ballerina, and I spent summers at a community pool and boating, we always found our way back to each other as the day came to an end and extracurricular activities melted into mundane things like dinner, household chores, and homework. My life was enriched by her large Italian family, and especially her Aunt Anna who would allow us to have sips of Aste Spumanti and who was intrigued by the blond-haired girl who always sat at their table.

 

Evie's mother was the best cook ever, and was far more interesting than were the women in my own family. Ida Camione had enjoyed-prior to marriage and motherhood-a career as an Italian singer and radio star. Evie's mother smoked cigars after dinner. Evie's parents were much older than mine, and while my father had served in the National Guard during the tumultuous times of the Vietnam War, hers had been honored for his service during World War II.

 

When my family moved away for two years, I was devastated by the loss of my best friend, but we managed to stay connected through letters (no e-mail in those days, and our parents certainly wouldn't pay for long-distance phone calls). My happiest day ever was when we returned to the old neighborhood-this time without my father-to pick up life where we had once left off. During those two years, Evie had made new friends, and even became part of a new best-friend pair, but I was welcomed back and as we made our way through middle school, our friendships grew into a group. Over the years, among that group there were times of new "best friend" pairings, for example, when activities or interests brought two in the group particularly close, or when a boyfriend or part-time job distracted one friend from the other. There was nothing destructive about our friend pairing, and frankly, I don't know if I would have survived the unspeakable pain of life with an alcoholic father and the messiness of my parents' very ugly divorce had my friend, Evie, not been there to make me laugh and remind me that my parents' life was not mine. Evie's parents gave me hope and love and a good dinner when I was despondent.

 

As adults, Evie and I live very different lives and we each have developed an extensive circle of friends exclusive of each other. I have work friends and neighborhood friends and boat friends and couple friends, as does she. But in the ven diagram of life, we have multiple friend groups that overlap from time to time because we-mostly through children's birthday parties-have brought them together for shared celebrations.

 

Our children are a decade apart in age, but still we were there for each other through our asynchronous but equally difficult days of extended pregnancies, new babies, and the typical ups and downs of new and evolving marriages. Although I might be a grandmother by the time her children reach the difficult teenage years, they already know-as does she-that my home is always open to the frustrated teen who needs a break from his or her impossible mother and father, or to the mother or father who needs a calming break from the raging storm of hormonally charged teenagers. Our children adore each other, with mine feeling a strong desire to mentor and guide her children, and hers seeing mine as strong role models (which, I'll admit, was not such a great thing when one of my sons went through his Gothic stage). When my boys were teens, Evie was quick to remind me of all of the stupid/daring/dangerous things we did as teens, and when hers are teens, I'll be there to remind her that this, too, shall pass.

 

Together, Evie and I have been there for each other through good times and bad, and we lament that life prevents us from seeing each other as much as we would like. But when we do get together, time lapses dissolve, our husbands watch us transform into the 16-year-olds we once were, and we laugh about all of the stupid things we have done over the years while toasting to the good fortune we have had in finding a lifelong friend. A best friend is one of life's greatest gifts and I can't imagine my life without mine.

 

In reading today's article, I think about our teachers-Ms. Thiesen, Mr. Rhones , Mr. Robey, Mr. Edgerton, Madam Belfore, Ms. Press, among others-who recognized the strength of the Evie-Diane friendship, and worked to nurture it rather than break it apart based on some untested pop-psychology, school-of-education recommendation. The idea of teacher as "friend coach" is preposterous (it belongs in the annals of bad ideas along with structured play dates) and I dread the day when adults seek to impose their own values and world views upon the sanctity of the most precious right any of us has-which is the right to chose our own friends ... including a very best friend.

 

Diane Auer Jones is president of Washington Campus and former assistant secretary for postsecondary education at the U.S. Department of Education.

 

This post previously appeared in the Chronicle of Higher Education and is reprinted with the author's permission.

 

An article in today's New York Times challenged the notion that children should have best friends. A Best Friend? You Must Be Kidding by Hilary Stout raised hackles among parents by reporting that several school and camp administrators are trying, in fact, to squelch best friendships. The professionals' rationale: Kids should be friends with everyone because exclusivity sets the stage for cliques and bullying.

 

The experts glossed over the fact that there are differences among people (adults as well as children) in their need for friendships. By dint of personality, some kids are social butterflies and others prefer to spend more time alone, with an intimate best buddy, or with siblings or other family members. While there are strong cultural pressures to encourage children to expand their social circle, adults need to respect each child's friendship style and preferences.

 

In my opinion, neither school officials nor parents should be "regulating" friendships. When teachers (or parents) hover too closely or meddle at the first sign of a tiff between kids, children are denied the opportunity to learn friendship lessons they will need as adults. Kids need to be able to choose friends and work out problems as independently as possible--- taking into consideration, of course, the child's age and level of maturity.

 

Parents serve as role models to their children. They demonstrate how friends can be lifelong sources of joy, sharing, and support. But parents need to be honest, too, in conveying the message to their children that problems invariably crop up in relationships and need to be worked out. They shouldn't be ashamed to admit that some differences turn out to be irreconcilable, and that most friendships, even very good ones, have expiration dates.

 

It's a mistake to make the leap into thinking that close friendships lead to bullying. In fact, when children are bullied or excluded, it is their true friends who "have their backs" and can buffer them from that trauma.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

There is a woman who has a child in my son's class, and we have volunteered together on occasion. She is very visible as she is also one of the PTA vice-presidents, and is very active on campus.

Several times I have smiled at her, said hello, and basically tried to send the vibe that I am open to knowing her, and she flat out looks the other way, frowns if I smile at her, and looks right through me when talking to others. A couple other moms have told me she did this to them, and then suddenly stopped.

It is March, and I am uncomfortable around her, ignore her and basically turn my back to her now. What is up with this person?

Thanks
Amanda

 

ANSWER

Dear Amanda,

Either this woman has vision problems and doesn't recognize you, or she has poor social skills. I suspect the latter. It sounds like you acted friendly, which was appropriate for this context, and she ignored you or frowned. Whatever her reasons, her behavior was pretty tasteless.

You said that she does this to other moms so I wouldn't take it personally. It has to do with her, not you. She may be an unhappy person or someone who is wrapped up in herself. Sometimes when self-important people are in a position of power, they selectively befriend only those people whom they view as instrumental to their ambitions.

I'm not sure what's up with this woman either. But since you are involved with your child's education and will be seeing her from time to time, act cordially, remain somewhat reserved, and don't take her behavior too seriously. Hopefully, the next PTA election will resolve this problem.

Sincerely,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I feel so hurt after being dumped by my friend of ten years. We met at the library when our children were two years old and had our second children together months apart. Two years ago she decided to go back and follow her Jewish religion. I am Christian and that is why she dumped me.

 

We no longer go out as families together with our husbands and children. My daughter is very upset and cannot understand why we do not go away with them anymore and why my friend is keeping her daughter away from her. We were always Christian and now her children say they are Jewish.

 

When she had no one and no friends, we were there for her but now that she has Jewish friends, we are not good enough for her anymore. I am so glad I am Christian and not Jewish. Christians are much nicer and do not dump people. They get along with all religions. I now feel sorry for her because I would have done anything for her and her family if she needed me. She will someday see it as her loss.

Signed,
Faith

 

ANSWER

Dear Faith,

You are making a huge assumption that may or may not be correct: That your friend decided to dump you because she turned back to Judaism. It is painful to be dumped by a close friend, and in your case, it also represents an inexplicable loss for your family. But you are making a grave mistake in thinking that any one religion has a monopoly over another in terms of kindness, friendship, and forgiveness---and that one individual's actions define the attitudes of a group. (I might also add that believers aren't always as charitable as those who are not.)

 

It is true that differences in religion, politics and values can create wedges between people who were once close friends---but this generally doesn't happen when friendships are otherwise solid. People accept the differences and agree to disagree so the differences don't interfere with the relationship. My guess is that there is some other reason(s) why your friend has decided to cut you off.

 

Did the split occur right after her decision to change religions (two years ago) or has it been more recent? Right now you sound very hurt and angry but when you are able to, you need to speak to your once-friend to find out what happened from her perspective. Either it will help you understand what went wrong so you can rectify the misunderstanding or disagreement, or it will help you get a better sense of closure so you can move forward. In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I write about the many reasons why friendships change over time.

 

I hope this is helpful and you can work things out with your friend.

Best,
Irene

Whether it's an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or ex-lover, most women would immediately dismiss the possibility of negotiating a real friendship with a living apparition from their partner's past. Admittedly, these relationships are thorny but they can have some upsides. My friend, life coach Lauree Ostrofsky of the Washington, DC area, offered to pen (keyboard) a guest post on the topic of befriending an ex- and here it is:

 

Not a topic often discussed, being friends with your partner's ex. But I am. She's really nice. The X factor is a challenge to navigate in any relationship. Most people I spoke to have a strict policy on the subject. "I never speak to ex's" was the most common. Followed by: "We're amicable and that's it."

 

So how did I get myself into this? Well for one, I'm new in town having just moved to Washington, DC from Manhattan six months ago. I was looking for female friends who like things I do -- art, eating out, talking about life. The guy I'm dating knew just the person: his ex-girlfriend.

 

Hold on, I thought, this can't be good. Love me, love my ex? None of my friends were keen on it either. But I figured, I should at least meet her before making a judgment...Right? I'm glad I did. She does like many of the same things I do. She has a boyfriend, and we've even double-dated.

 

Sometimes though, if I'm being completely truthful, it also feels really weird. For one, my relationship is still new. These two have known each other for a decade, share private jokes, and, I'll say it, have seen each other naked. I'd be lying if I said I didn't once in awhile feel like this was a contest I might lose.

 

I don't normally shy away from tough topics as readers of my blog know well - surgery and divorce are just two examples - but this one has nearly got me beat. I think it's hard to write about it because I'm owning up to a weakness of mine. For all my life coach-y ways, I'm human after all and it is maddening.

 

To get out of my own head I spoke to another friend, Linda, who has some wisdom on the subject. She is friendly with her ex-husband's new wife. Her thoughts helped me see the following options:

 

* Separate your feelings

Whether it is your ex's new wife, or your partner's ex, it helps to separate your feelings for one person from your possible feelings for this new person. In my case, I'm glad I did because I gained a good friend out of it.

 

* Get to know this person directly

My first conversation with my partner's ex was alone at an art festival. We met each other in the lobby having never seen one another before. Talk about a "first date"!

 

* Be inclusive

This is especially important where, in Linda's case, there are children or pets involved. If she hosts a birthday party, for example, they get an invite and they do the same in return. She said it's helped everyone feel more comfortable.

 

* Focus on what really matters

Like the previous point, with children or pets in the picture it's about priorities. Those aren't factors for me, but my feelings are just as important. It means doing what feels right instead of being a martyr about it.

 

Am I missing other options for navigating these X-factor relationships? Or, do you have your own experiences to share? I'm all ears (and eyes)!

 
Lauree Ostrofsky helps clients get clear and creative about they really want and how to go after it --- whether it's launching a new business; improving their relationships; or living each day more fully awake. Check out Lauree's website, and follow her on Twitter @simplyleapcoach.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

I, too, have recently had a friendship break up with my bf. We both had a stressful year, I lost my job and she has had various stresses. She told me I was too intense, despite the fact that I tried not to call or ask her to go out too often. If I ever upset her, she went hysterical calling me names and screaming at me over the slightest thing.

 

I miss her terribly and told her so and that I could not stop thinking about her, like an obsession. However, my feelings are that of love for a friend nothing more. We are both happily married with kids. I think she misunderstood what I meant and is now completely ostracizing me-despite telling me she missed me too.

 

Is it normal to feel like this, so sad and unhappy that someone is no longer in your life? I'm very confused why I can't stop thinking about her. Our kids go to school together and it's making life very uncomfortable.

Signed,

Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry that you're reeling from your loss and, yes, it's normal to feel that way when you lose a close friend. You took a risk and told your friend how much your relationship meant and she didn't reciprocate. In fact, she pushed you further away. Making it harder, she's someone you have to worry about bumping into at your child's school.

 

It sounds like both you and she have been under considerable stress and that the relationship had become quite volatile before this split. You both need a break from that intensity which probably wasn't fun for either of you.

 

You have less reason to be embarrassed that she does. Be cordial if you bump into her and say hello but don't build your life around hers. There may be more going on with her than you know about.

 

Try to put the relationship on indefinite hold and stop thinking about it. Spend time with your family and other friends. If you need support, it might even be a good time to read my book ☺---and don't be surprised if she comes back to you when her life calms down.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Levine,

 

I've had a roller coaster relationship with my BF for the past eight years. We both hit it off when our oldest kids (we have 7 in total) met in first grade. What began as a "play date" with children grew into a friendship that involved couples weekends, family trips, dinners out, BBQ's, etc. Basically we were inseparable.

 

The friendship has not been without emotional turmoil, however. My BF is the most incredible woman when she is "on". However, she is moody, explosive, jealous and extremely insecure. She has had very few women friendships in her life. I have always been extremely social with lots of friends but only a handful of close ones.

 

Because I have no family living nearby (other than my immediate family), I deeply value my close friends and put a lot of effort into maintaining those relationships. My BF was constantly jealous and bitter about whomever else I would chose to spend time. To avoid her wrath, I began including her in every plan or not going out as often for coffee or lunch with others. She was never there for me if I was conflicted, concerned or stressed about family, health, or school, etc. I realized those areas of my life were simply not important to her.

 

I realized that my BF controlled our friendship and decided when she wanted to share information. When she became moody or angry, she just slipped into silence and would need me to pull her out of it with attention. I still forged forward because when she was "on," she was really great. It was usually fun to be with my BF.

 

Recently she and her husband decided to move their family away. I only learned about their big decision when the sign went up in front of their home, at the same time when random neighbors and associates found out. Their home sold within a month and they had made offers on homes in other communities. I had learned all this from other friends she spoke to about four times a year.

 

We live in a small community; gossip and speculation were rampant. Because my BF and her husband did not share much with the outside world, people were constantly asking my family and me about their decision to move and about the whereabouts. They assumed that her BF would know. I felt so embarrassed, stunned and hurt that I had no answers. Often I would learn more from casual comments in the grocery store than my own friend had bothered to share with me.

 

The friendship had always been one-sided; I always forgave her. This time I think there was just too much water under the bridge-too much hurt. After she sold her house, she never spoke to me again. Our husbands stopped golfing and watching football games; our kids stopped texting and arranging playtime. I just sat, feeling hurt as her family packed up and moved away. I never said goodbye.

 

It has been three months and I still think of her every day. I have gone under the radar and kept to myself about what I truly feel about what transpired. I know my reality and sleep soundly at night knowing in my heart that I couldn't have done anything different. But I miss her. I miss the "fun" and laughing at silly stuff and relaxing over drinks and dinner with our husbands.

 

How much longer do I have to feel like I am getting over a bad break-up? There was truly more bad than good in this friendship but it still feels like such a loss. Advice???

Signed,
Heart-Broken

 

ANSWER:

Dear Heart-Broken,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Whatever your friend's faults, she was still your BF. You enjoyed the time you spent with her and her family and made sacrifices to maintain the friendship. Yes, she was always a private person---but not telling you about moving is over the top. There must be some secret she is hiding that she isn't comfortable telling you. I can only speculate: perhaps, the couple is separating, or having financial or employment problems. Whatever the details, she simply doesn't feel comfortable sharing the information with you or anyone else. That's her loss because I'm sure you would be supportive of her situation.

 

As you describe it, your BF was a moody, jealous, self-centered and possessive woman and you felt ambivalent about the relationship. I give you credit for being flexible enough to adapt to her idiosyncrasies but you really deserve more. Use her move as an opportunity to make other friends. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. If anyone asks what happened, be frank; you have no idea about the circumstances surrounding their move.

 

I know it's particularly difficult for you because you lost what felt like part of your family. They may contact you again when the dust has settled but you need to move forward with your own life and your friendships. This is also a teachable moment for your kids because they will learn that not all friendships last forever.

 

Best,
Irene

 

Have a question about female friendhips?

Ask The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

 

 

 

Parent Talk Today features information about any topic that might be on a parent's mind---including friendships! I was delighted when blogger Kathy Sena asked me to post a guest blog for her readers. See my guest post: Junior High Redux - Bounced From a Mom's Group

Do your friends ever make you feel this way? Whine away!

QUESTION

Hello,

I have been struggling over this issue for so long and do not know what to do. I am 37 years old and have had a close friendship with a girl since second grade. Since then, we have been BFFs. After 7th grade I moved away, but we stayed connected and visited each other. I moved back about ten years ago, and ended up marrying her husband’s best friend. We both have young children.

Everything was as always until she made a rude and angry comment about a school decision I had made for my youngest child. I stood up for myself and snapped back at the reasons I had chosen this particular school. Maybe it was the fact that I actually stood up for myself and to her (which I never had before) but I didn’t hear from her for the entire summer.

I was devastated. I ended up calling and calling and finally apologizing. She thanked me, and things were okay sometimes, but for the past three years she has never been the same with me. I am always asking her, as friends should, how she is, how her family is, telling her she looks great, etc. but I get nothing in return. It seems one sided, and it is so hard to take because we were so close for all those years. I am broken hearted.

My question is, should I bring up, again how I feel—I have brought it up a few times, and she says she is still uncomfortable around me, and feels I have changed and we have a long talk about that silly argument before—or should I just let it go and stop trying to be her friend, and let the friendship end (which could be difficult as my husband and hers are friends)? Any advice would be much appreciated!

Regards,
Chloe

ANSWER

Dear Chloe:

When two friends have such a long shared history and their friendship extends to their families, a breech like the one you have experienced can be very disappointing and upsetting. It sounds like you HAVE changed over time; you’ve matured into someone who is more self-confident and assertive, especially when it comes to knowing what’s best for your own family.

It is somewhat unforgivable that your friend wouldn’t speak to you for an entire summer because you were following your own best instincts about what was best for your child. Perhaps, she was looking for an excuse to step away from the friendship.

It sounds like you given her every opportunity to make amends and for whatever reason—it may be something that has nothing to do with you—she doesn’t feel as comfortable in the relationship as she once did. That has to feel awkward given the ties between your husbands, your kids, and any mutual friends.

At this point, your best option would be to downgrade the friendship to a more casual one. Be friendly, act cordially, but don’t consider her your close friend or have high expectations of intimacy or reciprocity.

Over time, your friend may change her feelings. In the meantime, spend time with other women and try to heal from this hurt. From what you’ve told me, you haven’t done or said anything that you need to feel guilty about. You are lucky to have a friendship that lasted as long as it did but you aren’t alone. Friendships are dynamic and it is not uncommon for many of them to change or drift apart over time.

My best, 

Irene

 

 

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

It's been two months since I attended a Mom's group and had a falling out with two of the mothers. They have pretty much soured my relationship with most of the other mothers in the group.

 

Three months ago, I cancelled a play date at my house because a predicted snowstorm was announced on the news. One of the mothers, Sandy, tried to make me look bad by sending out an e-mail to the whole group saying that she was shocked that I was canceling. I was mad so I sent another e-mail to everyone explaining that the mayor had asked people not to drive and that all local schools were closed.

 

Sandy defriended me on Facebook, I assumed, because I had cancelled the play date. Another mother, Beth (who is good friends with Sandy), told me that she thought that Sandy was overly upset, but that I shouldn't have sent my e-mail afterwards. I was really good friends with Beth whom I trusted. I shared my thoughts and feelings with her when I was unsure of someone in our group and she did the same with me.

 

Anyhow, she went behind my back and started talking to Sandy about me. I later talked to Sandy, who told be that Beth went back to her telling her all this stuff I had said about her. Beth said I was exhausting her with my worries about who was mad at me and she made me feel terrible. She later told me that she didn't want to hang out with me any more so I defriended her on Facebook.

 

I apologized to Sandy and said I wasn't serious about most of the stuff I had said about her (that she thought I was a bad mother; that she was overly opinionated for believing that babies should be trained a certain way, etc.). I explained that I was upset when I said those things to Beth and that I needed a break to forget about it.

 

After that, things seemed good. I ran into Sandy at our babies' swim lessons and she was friendly and sweet but since the swim class ended, I haven't heard from anyone in the group. Only two of the eight Moms seem like they still talk to me. Since then, Beth has become friends with the moms who used to annoy her.

 

I know that my baby and I are better off without most of these people, but I'm still bothered that most of these moms took Beth's side. It bugs me that things ended so badly with them. I had fun times with this group and I had hoped to watch our babies play together into toddlerhood. I have joined other groups, and this has helped me feel better. I still wonder how I should act if I run into these former friends around town. One of my friends, who wasn't in the group, thinks I should give Beth a dirty look if I ever see her again.

 

I haven't been through something like this since junior high. A lot of these moms are not true friends. It still hurts to be the one that everyone excluded.

Signed,
Leticia

 

ANSWER

Dear Leticia:

It's a horrible feeling to be excluded from a group and I'm sure you are reeling from the experience. You chose to respond defensively to Sandy in a very public way. While Sandy shouldn't have sent the initial email to all the other moms criticizing your decision, you only escalated the conflict by responding with an email that went to all the moms. It might have worked out better if you had called her directly and explained your position. My guess is that someone else would have come to your defense online.

 

Then you made the mistake of gossiping about Sandy to Beth, whom you knew were both good friends. When Beth got upset about this, you defriended her on Facebook. Although it's someone else's suggestion, now you are considering giving her a dirty look.

 

This is a mom's group that came together because you all had kids of similar ages. You probably should have eased yourself into the group and studied the people and their relationships with each other before you treated them as close friends with whom you would share confidences.

 

You made the mistake of lashing out at Sandy by email and defriending Beth on Facebook, actions I suspect you would have been hesitant to do face-to-face. Although this commonly happens on the Internet, it's something you should be careful about in the future.

 

It does seem like at least some of these moms act like adolescents but you also bear some of the blame. Try to learn from this experience. Next time, take it more slowly when you join a new group. Another suggestion: Always take the high road and treat people the way you would like to be treated---especially if you are going to see them again! As easy and tempting as it may be, don't respond to a nasty email with another. Don't defriend someone on Facebook when you are likely to encounter her again in your town.

 

I'm glad that you have found a new group where you can start anew. Since your child is so young, it should be easy for her to adjust to the new kids. Act friendly and open when you bump into these other women. Since they live in your town, you may find yourself on the same committee of the PTA or sharing the duties of class mothers. By then, this upset will be long forgotten by everyone.

Best of luck,
Irene