child

Dear Irene,

I am an only child and have a friend named Linda (who is also an only) whom I've known since first grade. She is due to give birth to a baby girl and two months ago asked me to throw her shower for 50 people with the help of her mother and sister-in-law. I felt really honored and threw myself into it, and it was a tremendous success.

In her words and mine, I was also the first person she told she was pregnant after her husband (even before her mom!). We spoke just recently and she excitedly detailed the upcoming baby christening she already was planning. In lieu of traditional godparents, she and her husband decided to name his two brothers as godparents, and do something special for me, for another friend, and for her two sister-in-laws during the ceremony. Is it wrong that I feel hurt by this?

I truly hoped that I would be a godparent, that I would be family to her when both of us don't have anyone else. Should I say something to her? Especially because this hurt is making me not want to rush the six hours to be at the hospital when she gives birth. Then I think, what does it matter---I'm just a friend. I realize I also might be reflecting my past hurt onto a situation that doesn't merit it -- and thus I've come to you! Please help, Friendship Doctor. What should I do?

Signed,
Beth

ANSWER

Dear Beth,

You are so fortunate to have such a close and long-standing friendship. When a woman doesn't have a sister, a best friend often feels like the sister she never had so I'm sure this relationship is as special for you as it is for Linda. You are far more than "just a friend." However, with Linda becoming a mother, it will definitely change the nature of your relationship, even in terms of the sheer time she has available for herself. So I can see how this might make you feel uncertain about what is to come.

While it's understandable that you might be disappointed and hurt because you had hoped to be a godparent, you have to understand that your friend and her husband have every right to exercise their own prerogatives and do what they think is best for themselves and their baby. (And although you were very gracious to throw the shower, I'm certain you never expected any payback for doing that.)

The fact that Linda told you first, decided to single you out, and wants to honor you during the christening, shows how important you are to her and that she wants you to play a special role in the life of her first child. I'm sure Linda and her husband had to weigh many considerations in making their decision. For example, her husband's family may have had traditions or expectations that you don't know about. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that Linda's decision diminishes your friendship in any way.

In many cases, the role of a godparent is somewhat ambiguous and is subject to the people and personalities involved. In no way should this stop you from carving out a special role for yourself. Try to swallow your initial feelings of hurt and be the unofficial godparent you had always hoped to be. Shower the baby with your love and affection and be there for Linda as she adjusts to the challenges of motherhood. Also, you never know what life may bring: Your BFF may have other children and you may have another shot at the brass ring.

This friendship seems to be too important to tarnish in any way by saying something now that you'll later regret.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

Have a question about friendship? Send it to Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Irene,

Jordan and I have been best friends since our first day of college 20 years ago. Over the years, we both married (me=happily, her=constantly teetering on the edge of divorce) and had children. I had my children several years before she did, and she was always incredibly supportive and understanding of my new obligations and priorities, while longing for a child of her own.

Three years ago, Jordan had a daughter. I have tried to support her in all the ways she supported me though those baby/toddler years, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to do. We live many time zones apart (different continents) and the onus of our friendship has gradually shifted so it is now entirely mine.

Whenever I pick up the phone, she spends the entire call (which is always scheduled in advance) dealing with her 3-year-old. She recently hung up on me in the middle of a "crisis" because her daughter was angry that she wasn't coloring with her. She has mentioned that she never talks to any of her other friends anymore, either, which leads me to think that I'm not the only person feeling frustrated. I have tried instigating emails, but get fairly unsatisfactory replies (two sentences back to my two pages) though she always mentions how much she misses me and wants to talk. The only time it actually happens, though, is when she's having an emotional emergency.

I understand and support her love for her daughter, but I'm tired of feeling like our friendship has turned into a one-way street. I know that she focuses on her child so much, in part, because her marriage is very unhappy. While I don't think this is healthy for either of them, I don't want to interfere with her parenting (her other friends and family have told her that she needs to start setting limits and it hasn't made a difference, anyway--though she has cut those people out of her life to a great degree). I do, however, want my friend back--at least occasionally--but I can't figure out how to talk to her about it without immediately putting her on the defensive. Any thoughts?

Signed,
Missy

ANSWER

Dear Missy,

Your friend Jordan is struggling with a tough situation at home: She's simultaneously dealing with a challenging child and an unhappy marriage. While her friends and family sound well intended, it's probably naive to think that all her domestic problems can be resolved by merely setting limits with her daughter. Some children can be challenging to parent for a host of different reasons.

By virtue of her circumstances, Jordan isn't in a position to be the same friend to you that she once was but you shouldn't take her inaccessibility personally. Without cutting her off, you may need to scale back your expectations for the time being and get involved with other friends. It's common for the balance of a relationship to swing in one direction and then another over the course of a long-term friendship.

Imagine how your best friend feels when she compares her life to yours, which seems so peaceful and perfect. Cut her some slack and be a good listener rather than joining the chorus criticizing her parenting skills. You might also suggest that she seek professional counseling to help her better cope at home. Finally, ask her if it would be easier for her to initiate phone calls when she has the time and focus rather than have you run the risk of calling during another crisis.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

Hi Irene,

I have been reading the questions and answers on your website and finding them very helpful. I thought I would write and ask my own question. I have a friend with whom I'm currently going through a break up.

For a year or so, she's either ignored me or shut me out when she is going through something hard or is cross about something. I decided not to be close to her anymore as I find it too painful to be ignored for months on end and then treated like nothing has happened.

My dilemmas: We go to the same church, which is small so I see her every week. I try to say hello. Sometimes she will speak to me. Other times, she ignores me and I feel hurt all over again. How should I act around her?

Also our sons are good friends and haven't been spending much time together as we are not visiting each other's homes any more. I don't think it's fair to let our problems come between our sons' friendship (they are only 5), but having play dates would seem weird to me and I'm not sure what to do about this.

We have been friends for the past ten years and I'm having issues letting go so I feel guilty and think she is just reacting to me not being so friendly with her.What do you suggest about our son thing and how to just move on when I see her every week?

Thanks
Sheila

ANSWER

Dear Sheila:

If this situation has been going on for about a year, I presume that you've tried to talk to your friend about it without any satisfactory resolution. You really have no choice but to move on.

Breaking up is never easy but if you've truly decided the relationship is over, the answers to your questions are straightforward:

1) Always say hello and act cordially at church, regardless of your friend's response. You live in the same community and will invariably see one another. if you take the high road, you'll be able to feel good about it.

2) In terms of your kids, at the age of 5, parents still determine friendships. Given your current relationship with your once-friend, I'd advise against setting up play dates for your sons. You're right. It would be too uncomfortable.

Like most breakups, yours isn't simple---especially because children are involved as well. It reminds me of another breakup question I recently answered. In that instance. too, a friend withdrew without explanation when she was besieged by personal problems. When this happens, it leaves the abandoned friend feeling helpless and hurt. Since your situation with your friend is recurrent, you need to find other friends who are more stable and predictable. You've tried to be there for her over and over and she has only rebuffed you.

Hope this is helpful,

Irene

Do your friends ever make you feel this way? Whine away!

LONGER THAN USUAL QUESTION:-)

Hi Irene!

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your website! I am going through a situation and desperately need advice! I have a very close cousin, Coralee, who I’ve basically grown up with like a sister and we’ve been friends most of my life. I am 28, and she is 37. About two years ago, I set her up with a co-worker of mine, a relationship that ended about six months later when he moved to California for another job. During the time she was dating him, I got pregnant. When my husband and I shared our exciting news at a family get-together, she stormed out of the room. I later learned from my co-worker that she was very upset and jealous. She felt that, at 35 years of age, she deserved to have a wonderful husband and to be starting a family instead of me.

When my daughter was three months old and I was getting ready to go back to work, my husband and I decided to move down the street from my parents, so my dad could watch her during the day. Coralee, my other cousin (Faith) and her husband, their parents, and my other aunt all live within about 10 miles of my new house. As a result, what was once an every-other-week get-together with my family, because we lived about 45 minutes away, is now 2 or 3 times a week. We have dinner at my house once a week, dinner at my aunt’s house once a week, and spend every holiday together.

My daughter is now 13 months old, and although Coralee was jealous and angry when I first got pregnant, she is now obsessed with my daughter. Before we moved, I only saw her at family functions and rarely one-on-one but she now sends me text messages and emails incessantly – 3 or 4 times a day and as late as 10:00 or 11:00 at night. And although she sees my daughter at least 2 or 3 times a week, it seems like it is never enough. She wants to come over on my days off, asks me every weekend if I want to go shopping or out to lunch, drops by at my dad’s house while he is watching my daughter, and at least once a month, “suggests” that my husband and I go out on a date so she can babysit. If I don’t respond right away, she sends messages like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me,” or “I haven’t heard from you lately…”

Last weekend, my husband, daughter, and I took a trip to visit my mother-in-law. During the course of this 4-day trip, Coralee sent me five text messages and called me twice, and when I didn’t respond right away because my battery had died, began sending messages to my husband, who was extremely irritated. He got another five text messages and one call from her and responded once to tell her we were safe and that my phone had died. She continued to send messages, saying things like, “I am having withdrawal,” and “I miss you,” and “You obviously don’t feel like texting.”

I chose not to respond because I knew it would lead to a very long string of texting that I didn’t have time for, considering I was already stressed making sure my daughter was fed, got her naps in an environment she was unfamiliar with, and didn’t break any of my mother-in-law’s things or toddle down the stairs. I also wanted to enjoy the vacation with my daughter and husband.

When we got home, I called my mom to ask for advice. She told me to call Coralee’s mom and see what she thought I should do. Well, when I called my aunt, as my uncle was handing the phone to her, I heard Coralee’s voice in the background yelling, “Why does she call you and not me?”

I didn’t realize Coralee was going to be over there for dinner when I called, so I was in a very uncomfortable situation at that point. My aunt went to the other room to talk to me, and I told her that things were getting really bad with Coralee and the texting and calling were getting to be too much. My aunt said she would talk to her that night. The next day, I emailed my other cousin, Faith. I am very close with Faith and explained what had happened on our vacation and my conversation with my aunt the night before.

This is not the first time Coralee has been told to back off. Faith has told her in the past that she is too needy (with me and with her other friends), and she often drops hints to Coralee that she should let us have some family time. As Coralee’s younger sister, she has always felt that Coralee is possessive of her, too. Coralee has been raised to think that she can have anything she wants. Her parents have never said no to her. So even Faith became like a doll that she could control.

As a result, she has very few friends and no significant other. She no longer has any hobbies, as she quit boxing and working out when she had a fallout with her trainer. She is a high school teacher and gets off work around 1:00PM with not much to do for the rest of the day. I feel like my daughter has become the only thing she looks forward to in her life.

I love Coralee, and I’m grateful my daughter has people in her family that love and support her, but I am becoming very angry about this situation. Coralee does not respect my time or space. She doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t always have time to be in constant communication with her. I just want to be able to come home, spend time with my daughter and husband, and relax and go to bed without feeling like I have another person’s needs to tend to.

With a one-year old, I barely have time to wash my own hair or shave my legs most of the time, let alone fulfill Coralee’s need for companionship. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is to come home from a 10 1⁄2 hour day at work after spending 40 minutes in heavy traffic and then feed, bathe, change, and put a squirmy wormy tired baby to bed every night, and then scarf down my dinner and collapse into bed. Of course I would not change having my daughter for anything in the world, but sometimes I just get exhausted, and it is HARD!

Coralee just doesn’t seem to understand that. On top of that, I don’t believe it is healthy for my daughter to have someone in her life, who is obsessed with her and thinks she can do no wrong. Coralee has often made comments that my daughter is “perfect,” and I don’t like the message that may send. Even though I have unconditional love for my daughter, I realize that she is just human like everybody else and will most definitely make some mistakes. If I treated her like she was perfect and could do no wrong, she might end up like Coralee, with an unhealthy view of herself and what a true balanced relationship should look like.

I know Coralee needs to see a counselor, but I also know if I were to suggest it, she would be livid and probably not speak to me for months. Although my aunt said Coralee’s embarrassed by this whole thing, she has yet to contact me to apologize since my aunt talked to her on Tuesday. How should I handle this situation without creating more of a rift in the family?

Frustrated yet hopeful,
Mimi

ANSWER

Hi Mimi:

Although you are fond of your cousin, you sound appropriately miffed at her jealousy, possessiveness and intrusiveness. Coralee hasn't been able to accept the changes in your life as you took on the new roles of a wife and then a mother.

But you haven’t done a good job either--in terms of establishing appropriate boundaries and communicating candidly with her about your own needs. Because she is so demanding, you may have to be very direct in setting limits about how often and how late she can call, for example, and about how much time she can spend with your daughter. Coralee shouldn’t have to hear this from her mother. You need to have a heart-to-heart with Coralee herself or this situation is going to fester to the point of a blow-up.

Another caution: Even if you are blunt, Coralee still may not “get it” first time around but at least you will have been forthright and given her the feedback she needs. Yes, she needs to get a life of her own and find other people and things she enjoys. Freeing up some of her time, the time she now spends on you and your daughter, may leave her holes that she will fill with new relationships and interests.

Being cousins as well as friends adds an additional level of complexity to your relationship. Even though your friendship has turned rocky, the fact that you have such strong family connections has kept you close. Since you appreciate and value the importance of kin, be careful to avoid a rift that could rapidly deteriorate into a family feud if other people are asked to get involved and take sides.

Since you are more whole than Coralee, extend the olive branch to her. Apologize for not being direct in the past. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the love she shows for your family but tell her in no uncertain terms that you need more time and space for you and your immediate family.

Let us know how things turn out.

Best,
Irene