breakup

If you are interested, please email your story to me (Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com) in less than 200 words, including your email address, age, and place of residence.

I will pass this information on to the producer who prefers to remain anonymous and you will only be contacted directly if your story fits the needs of the program.

Please put TV in the subject line and submit no later than June 20th. Thanks for your help!

Best,
Irene

Have you "broken" up with a friend or a long-time important person in your life (maybe even your housekeeper or hair stylist)?

A colleague, who is writing an article for a national magazine, is seeking "real people" sources. She's looking for women age 35 - 50 with great stories about a break-up gone wrong---or women who have used clever approaches to break up so they aren't embarrassed afterwards  (e.g. when they see their "ex" at the grocery store or gym.)

You can either post the idea here (in brief, with contact information) or send your message to me and I'll pass it on to her. Use the subject line BREAKUPS GONE WRONG and send it to Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

Thanks for your help!

Irene

Dear Irene,

I am 51 years old, married 28 years, with 3 grown kids. I work at a gym as a personal trainer/spinning instructor. I quickly became friends with a woman 10 years younger who moved here from another state. She is 40 years old, single, without any kids, and had been in a verbally abusive relationship with a guy.

Her enthusiasm and motivation for spinning and weight training were the same as mine and we began to really like each other's company. She and I would grab a bite to eat for dinner one or two times a week after class, which both of us enjoyed. Since she likes to cook, many nights she would come over after a spin/yoga class and cook for my husband and I, and our son who is still in high school. She became a fast and furious friend and called herself my sister. People believed her because we kind of look alike!

Here is the fallout. I introduced her to a client who I personal train who is single, 57 years old (but looks 47). This person is energetic and has her own real estate business. She is witty, funny and very likeable, and knows many people in this town. My friend took a liking to her immediately and the three of us would go out for dinner after yoga/spin. That was OK with me, but as time went on I could see that my friend was becoming more interested in my client.

My friend loves to get all dressed up on weekends and parties at a very exclusive club in our town. She asked both of us to come one night. It was a total singles hang out! I was not interested in meeting men that were only looking for a one-night stand. I had a horrible time but my friend enjoyed all the attention she was getting from these men and started going with my client every weekend. (I usually do things anyway with my husband on the weekends).

Their friendship progressed to get-togethers that didn't include me. My client basically took my friend away from me. The client was cancelling her sessions for training consistently, so I told her to just quit. Then she became angry with me for taking her off my schedule.

My friend and I have not spoken to one another in over a week. She used to text me 5-6 times a day so to go from this to no communication at all is weird. There is more to this story, but I just gave you the basics. I am very hurt as I write this. How can I start to accept who she is and move on from here? I have not tried to contact her. I just can't right now and maybe never! Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully responding. I appreciate it.

Signed,
Monica

ANSWER

Dear Monica,

It's painful to lose friends---and disturbing to lose clients. The two happened simultaneously for you. What was particularly hurtful was that both these relationships ended awkwardly without communication.

Your friend came to a new town and was skilled at making new friends. First, she bonded with you over your common interest in spinning/weight training. Then she got involved with your client, who in addition to sharing an interest in spinning was also interested in meeting men.

Let's separate the two hurts: In terms of your friend, she was a bit opportunistic in ditching you when she found your client. Friends don't own each other so you can't really blame her for forming a friendship with someone to whom you introduced her. However, it wasn't nice of her to simply dump and replace you. At this point, you need to evaluate how you feel about your friend. If you want to resurrect your friendship, you will need to discuss what happened.

In terms of your client, the realtor, she may have begun to feel uncomfortable in her sessions with you because she knew you were upset about her relationship with your friend. Cancelling sessions may have been an easy way for her to avoid you. When you simply took her off your schedule, without talking about it, you raised the stakes.

As uncomfortable as discussions like these may be, they could have averted the "fallout." Your workplace offers a perfect opportunity to meet women who share your interests but becoming friends with a client also carries risks. If you live in a small town and are concerned about your reputation, you may want to offer each client a free spinning session to let them know you would welcome working with them again professionally.

Hope this helps!

Best,
Irene

After reading Mariana Pasternak's new telltale book, The Best of Friends: Martha and Me (Harper, 2010), I know how betrayed you must feel. You have to be asking yourself: How could Mariana, who I considered one of my closest friends, betray me like this? Granted, I've only read her side of the story, but here are my unsolicited thoughts on the matter:

1) Keep in mind that Mariana's book says more about her than it says about you.

Mariana dishes the dirt on your 20-year friendship, from when you were first neighbors in Westport, to when you became couple-friends with your now ex-husbands, and then became inseparable BFFs---like Oprah and Gayle, Ethel and Lucy, or Paris and Nicole. At every crook in the road, however, Mariana seemed obsessed with building herself up to tear you down.

Clearly, Mariana felt like she could never measure up to you because she goes to great lengths to make the case that she was more attractive, more desirable to men, a better mother, more grounded, and more cultured. She even uses double superlatives to describe her education at "highly selective" and "extremely competitive schools."

She fills us in on the sybaritic perks she and her daughters enjoyed simply by knowing you. They were given entrée to your world of celebrity, royalty, gardens, yachts, private jets, group vacations, and adventure. They partied with the rich and famous because of their relationship with you.

2) As your success grew, the divide between the two of you grew larger.

Like you, Mariana seems like an ambitious woman, by nature. She might have been happier had she been less envious of your wealth, fame, and success. She accuses you of being judgmental and desperate---yet her use of language is scathing. Two gems, among many, from the book: She compares you to the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction and comments that, "The Turkey Hill paradise became the lair of the dragon lady." If these were her feelings all along, I wonder how the relationship lasted as long as it did.

Mariana has an odd sense of entitlement, thinking that by virtue of being your friend and hanging on to your coattails, she deserved the same lifestyle as you have. Why else would she repeatedly complain that you asked her to pay her portion of the bill for the lavish and memorable trips you took together?

Mariana admits she was ambivalent about her friendship with you for some time. One telling sign: When you separated from your husband, although she didn't tell you, she sided with your ex. When a friend is filled with such ambivalence, she really isn't a true friend; she is a frenemy. Penning the book provided your ex-BFF an opportunity to even the score while making a buck.

3) The ending of your friendship isn't as unusual as it appears to be.

Sadly, the majority of friendships---even very good ones---tend to go awry for a variety of reasons. The most common scenario is that two friends just drift apart over time as they grow in different directions. Some friendships are tested by misunderstandings or disappointments, some of which are resolved and others not. But, by far, the most painful kind of breakup is to be betrayed by someone you thought was a close friend. It can be as painful and jolting as being dumped by a boyfriend or lover. The closer the friendship, the harder it is to get over.

Unlike divorces, we don't often hear much talk about acrimonious friendships. Perhaps women have accepted the pop myth that friendships are forever and that being unable to sustain a friendship is a sign of personal weakness. Other women are reticent to tell their stories because they think outsiders can't really understand how a once-impenetrable emotional bond could fracture. If they talk at all about their friendship breakups, they talk to therapists behind closed doors.

The bond between two female friends is complex, powerful and often inexplicable. Women share emotions and feelings with close friends that they may not even be able to share with a husband or sister. You had to be hurt when Mariana testified against you at your trial. But writing this book and exposing the intimacies of your longstanding friendship so publicly, was a particularly bitter form of betrayal.

Mariana suggests the book may be a contribution to the friendship literature. Yet, the book offers few, if any, positive lessons readers can take away about the nuances and strengths of female friendships. Instead, the author provides an excellent case study of betrayal.

Martha, I have no doubt that your wounds will heal over time because you have shown such resilience in the past.

Signed,
The Friendship Doctor

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A college friend named Leah recently dumped me. I graduated but she's still in her final year. We live three-hours apart but we've met up about a dozen times since graduation in May. The last few times, she was very distant and seemed to actively avoid talking or being with me (we were always in the company of other people).

In October, after one such occasion, I texted saying I felt hurt and couldn't understand why she was cold and distant. She replied saying I was selfish, and didn't understand how tired she was after work and so forth. I felt guilty for saying anything at all and didn't initiate any contact for about three weeks. I sent her texts and called numerous times in November but she never responded. Just before Christmas, she answered one of my calls and apologized for having not been in touch sooner. She said that she would like to stay friends but we had to realize how different we both had become.

We celebrated New Year's Eve with a mutual friend and others and she went out of her way to ignore me and seemed hostile, making occasional snide remarks. When I pressed our mutual friend about it, she revealed that Leah had told her that "our friendship was over." This upset me and I confronted Leah about it. She shrugged it off and suggested we forget about it and not spoil the night. For a while after that, she replied to my text messages.

Then she stopped responding to my efforts to get in touch. I had always initiated contact over the past six months. Then I found out from a mutual friend that Leah had a party and didn't invite me. This was really upsetting so I called her. She didn't answer, but she responded to a message I sent her and confirmed what I didn't want to believe: That she no longer wanted to be friends because all we do is bicker. This has some truth to it because we don't always agree on everything but I have a feeling there's more to it than this.

I now have to hear about what's going on in her life (or snippets of it) from our mutual friend (we were BFFs and roomies in college) and it hurts me to think Leah could just dump me like this. I know friendships go awry when people move but it's only been a few months. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm wondering if I should write her a letter and see if she might be open to resolving or discussing our issues? I have little or no hope that we can go back to the way we were as friends but I want some sort of closure. Then we can go our separate ways permanently. I feel like I should try and contact her one last time to try to have a heart to heart. What should I do? I feel so hopeless.

Signed,
Karen

ANSWER

Dear Karen,

It sounds like your friend decided to cut off her relationship with you some time ago and you haven't yet accepted it. She's been cold and distant, and hasn't initiated any contact with you for months. Responses to your repeated calls and emails have been sporadic, at best. She's told you that she doesn't feel the same way about you as she did when you were in school together and told your common friend that your relationship with her is over. Is there anything else you really need to hear from her?

At this point, you need to take her at her word and put this friendship behind you. Regardless of the specifics of what caused her to change her mind---your graduation, the distance of three hours, or life style differences---your relationship isn't what it was.

Leah hasn't been forthcoming and direct so you can't expect to get closure from her. You need to put this friendship to bed on your own and just move on. You also need to tell your mutual friend that you aren't interested in hearing about Leah any more because the two of you have grown apart. Since you have mutual friends, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of bumping into Leah in a social setting. Figure out what you would say, in advance, so you aren't caught off guard. You might simply say something like---"Hello, it's good to see you. Hope things are going well for you"----being gracious, without going further.

It always hurts to be dumped without having any say in the matter but it will be less painful and you will heal more quickly over time if you take control of what you can, by making the decision to let go.

I hope this is helpful.

Signed,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I feel so hurt after being dumped by my friend of ten years. We met at the library when our children were two years old and had our second children together months apart. Two years ago she decided to go back and follow her Jewish religion. I am Christian and that is why she dumped me.

We no longer go out as families together with our husbands and children. My daughter is very upset and cannot understand why we do not go away with them anymore and why my friend is keeping her daughter away from her. We were always Christian and now her children say they are Jewish.

When she had no one and no friends, we were there for her but now that she has Jewish friends, we are not good enough for her anymore. I am so glad I am Christian and not Jewish. Christians are much nicer and do not dump people. They get along with all religions. I now feel sorry for her because I would have done anything for her and her family if she needed me. She will someday see it as her loss.

Signed,
Faith

ANSWER

Dear Faith,

You are making a huge assumption that may or may not be correct: That your friend decided to dump you because she turned back to Judaism. It is painful to be dumped by a close friend, and in your case, it also represents an inexplicable loss for your family. But you are making a grave mistake in thinking that any one religion has a monopoly over another in terms of kindness, friendship, and forgiveness---and that one individual's actions define the attitudes of a group. (I might also add that believers aren't always as charitable as those who are not.)

It is true that differences in religion, politics and values can create wedges between people who were once close friends---but this generally doesn't happen when friendships are otherwise solid. People accept the differences and agree to disagree so the differences don't interfere with the relationship. My guess is that there is some other reason(s) why your friend has decided to cut you off.

Did the split occur right after her decision to change religions (two years ago) or has it been more recent? Right now you sound very hurt and angry but when you are able to, you need to speak to your once-friend to find out what happened from her perspective. Either it will help you understand what went wrong so you can rectify the misunderstanding or disagreement, or it will help you get a better sense of closure so you can move forward. In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I write about the many reasons why friendships change over time.

I hope this is helpful and you can work things out with your friend.

Best,
Irene

Dear Dr. Levine,

For the past six to eight months I've had two friendships deteriorate. Jillian had been my friend for about 15 years. We never partied or saw much of each other due to distance and her ten-year relationship with a guy yet we always kept in touch. When her relationship was over, we began to spend lots of time together.

Our relationship went into a tailspin when she questioned my character. She asked me to give her ex-boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen in 15 years) a ride home because she was leaving with her new love interest. After the ride, he invited me in for a drink. Of course, I declined and later called both him (he gave me his number to make sure I got home safely) and her. That was where all the confusion began.

The next day Jillian called asking if I'd "done" anything crazy with him. I was offended since I only provided the ride to do her a favor. Over the next few months, she began dating this guy again. I know this guy was interested in me, but that was a line I would not cross. The relationship with her has suffered since. She would make us all hang out together. The guy is very cool and we have a very good rapport; I have plenty of male friends and am comfortable with males on a friendship level. She is aware of the many strictly platonic male relationships that I've had all my life. However, she is always trying to compete with me about every single thing or tarnish my character. I've tried to hang on to the friendship for more than 6 months and it's been hard.

I've also recently broken up with Lexi. We had been friends for 20 years (we are in our 30's) and she is/was like a sister to me. I invited both Jillian and Lexi out to celebrate my promotion and Jillian came with the guy. Lexi had been secluded after a recent break-up with a guy so to come out and interact with my friends was a big deal for her. Eventually, Lexi ended up chatting with a guy I've been seeing on and off for the past 6 months. Although I was a bit leery of him and his intentions when Lexi told me he was nice and was interested, I blew up. I could not believe, that Lexi, my sister, my longest friend would hit on a guy I was sort of dating for 6 months. She had never met him before, but had heard stories about him.

My trust with both friends has been broken. Is there a way to mend both relationships? Do you think that Lexi's actions are from her recent break-up or just who she has always been? I've talked to several of my friends about Jillian. Most think Jillian has always been a bit competitive and a user. I never saw this side before and am now afraid of all my relationships. Help.

Thanks,
Risa

ANSWER

Dear Risa

The issue of trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. So I can understand how you must be reeling after two long-standing relationships unraveled over the same issue.

In the case of Jillian, if you knew that her guy was interested in you, she probably knew too. Instead of her confronting him about his trustworthiness, it sounds like you were an easier target. If it were this incident alone, you could talk to Jillian and, perhaps, get over it but it sounds like she is constantly competing with you. That makes me think that perhaps the women you both were 15 years ago have grown in different directions and that your relationship is really based primarily on shared history. While this is nothing to give up lightly, is Jillian the kind of friend you want in your life now or is she a frenemy, who tries to put you down whenever she has the opportunity?

In the case of Lexi, it sounds like she picked up on your ambivalence about the guy you were "sort-of-dating" and moved in to make the catch---perhaps innocently, but not very sensitively. I'm not sure from your letter if Lexi is still seeing this guy but I think you need to express your hurt feelings to her.

Your dilemma really has to do with your feelings about friendship and its boundaries and the men just happen to be red herrings that make things more confusing. Maintaining trust is the thread that runs thought both these painful situations. It can only help for you to speak with Lexi, and perhaps with Jillian too (if you feel so inclined) about mutual expectations of a trusting friendship, which often vary from person to person.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

For my Canadian friends and readers especially:

An excellent article by Kate Fillion in the January 2010 issue of Chatelaine describes the reasons why your once-BFF can suddenly leave your life.

You can read the Chatelaine article in its entirety here.

The Friendship Doctor was recently interviewed by Victoria Clayton-Alexander, editor of Exurb Magazine. Before I answered 5 questions from her, I asked what an "exurb" was.

Victoria responded: "The good people at the Brookings Institute define “exurb” this way: exurban census tracts send at least 20 percent of their workers to urbanized areas in large metropolitan areas.

For our purposes, it’s a a state of mind (and, okay, place). A lot of people say a lot of things about the exurbs and much of it isn’t so flattering. We’re in the LA/Ventura County area and we care about the environment, education, city planning, music, good food, wine, books and more. If you live outside of a major city and you care about these issues, you’re here too."

So with that in mind, here is the interview:

Exurbanite Irene Levine is a clinical psychologist and blogs about friendship at The Friendship Blog and The Huffington Post. If you've ever lost touch with a supposedly good friend, been dumped or dumped a friend, you need Levine's new book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. Contrary to what daytime television or Bravo might depict, Levine tells us that friends fall by the wayside not because one steals another one's husband or anything that outrageous. Check out what she has to say about the lifespan of friendships, her book and her famous neighbors....

1. When I described Best Friends Forever to various people almost everyone told me a story about a breakup with a good friend. Did you also find in your research that breaking up with a friend is nearly a universal experience? Why does this happen and who seems to be most plagued with friendship problems?

I've had the same experience and have gotten emails and survey responses from people all over the world, as far away as Nigeria and the South Pacific, expressing their pain about failed friendships. Regardless of language or lifestyle, the feelings were pretty universal. Most people can resonate to the experience of losing a friend-either because they were jilted, dumped someone else, or because two friends simply drifted apart.

As people grow and change, their lives don't necessarily follow the same trajectories so it's completely natural that many friendships would fall apart over time. Most friendships, even very close ones, don't last forever; on average, a friendship lasts about seven years. The more changes that take place in your life (e.g. geographic moves, graduations, changes in marital or parental status, career changes, and personal ones, etc.), the more fragile your friendships become.

Yet, I wouldn't really characterize it as a friendship problem. It's only a problem if you don't understand that friendships have their ups and downs and not all of them last forever.

2. I've also found that many people are loathe to talk about it...it almost seems a source of shame or as if they're afraid the breakup will reflect poorly on them. In Best Friends Forever, you talk about the embarrassment and shame. Why do you think we tend to have such shame over these types of breakups?

Women are often judged by their ability to make and maintain friendships so it's natural that it would be embarrassing to talk about it when someone suddenly loses a close friend. The subject is so taboo, in fact, that there is often no one to talk to about it.

You can't tell your mother because she'll likely ask what you did to provoke the breakup. You can't talk about it to your partner, husband or lover, because he'll never understand the depth of female friendships. And women hesitate to tell other friends because they think they'll be looked down upon. There are really no protocol or rules for handling a breakup and that's one of the reasons why I wrote my book.

3. What's your best advice on dealing with the loss of a friendship? Do you think people always need to reconnect with the estranged friend and hash it out or do you think it's usually best to move on and somehow get over it? If the answer is "get over it," how do people do that?

Getting over the pain of a lost friendship takes time. In the book, I discuss the predictable stages that women go through in reaching a state of acceptance.

One mistake people sometimes make is thinking that they need to interact with their ex-friend in order to reach closure. This isn't the case. Often, we don't get that opportunity. Getting over it means learning from the experience so that you are a better friend and make wiser friendship choices in the future.

4. Is there one or two things people do that typically contribute to friendship breakups? Is there a better way to live to prevent this?

Some friendship breakups are precipitated by disappointments (e.g. failing to acknowledge special days in your friend life) and misunderstandings; these types of breakups can often be prevented with better communication between two friends. If you are a Birthday Princess, your birthday is coming up, and you want to celebrate with your friend, don't count on her having a crystal ball. Mention it so she knows. Or if you felt hurt by something your friend said, let her know so it doesn't happen again and you don't build up ill feelings.

The large majority of friendships, however, break up because neither person cares enough about the friendship to make it work. If you are invested in a friendship, you need to make it a priority and devote time and attention to the relationship.

5. You live in an area that's become quite well known. Can you tell us a little about Chappaqua and the Washington Post article you wrote for your famous neighbors when they were about to move there?

Chappaqua is a small hamlet in Westchester County, New York, that is part of the town of New Castle (along with Millwood). It is about 50 minutes from NYC on Metro North. When I first moved here from the DC area, I was struck by the sense of intimacy and the deeply rooted community that I found. Compared to how transient I found the DC metro area, the shopkeepers and many of my neighbors had lived and worked here for multiple generations.

When the Clintons bought their home here, I knew that Hillary Clinton would have to make a big adjustment so I decided to write her a briefing memo that was published in The Washington Post. It was filled with the type of humor and gossip that one woman might share with another female friend. Not only was I delighted when it was published but I treasure the hand-written note I received from the First Lady and Mrs. Gore acknowledging they had read it.

Hi Irene,

I have been reading the questions and answers on your website and finding them very helpful. I thought I would write and ask my own question. I have a friend with whom I'm currently going through a break up.

For a year or so, she's either ignored me or shut me out when she is going through something hard or is cross about something. I decided not to be close to her anymore as I find it too painful to be ignored for months on end and then treated like nothing has happened.

My dilemmas: We go to the same church, which is small so I see her every week. I try to say hello. Sometimes she will speak to me. Other times, she ignores me and I feel hurt all over again. How should I act around her?

Also our sons are good friends and haven't been spending much time together as we are not visiting each other's homes any more. I don't think it's fair to let our problems come between our sons' friendship (they are only 5), but having play dates would seem weird to me and I'm not sure what to do about this.

We have been friends for the past ten years and I'm having issues letting go so I feel guilty and think she is just reacting to me not being so friendly with her.What do you suggest about our son thing and how to just move on when I see her every week?

Thanks
Sheila

ANSWER

Dear Sheila:

If this situation has been going on for about a year, I presume that you've tried to talk to your friend about it without any satisfactory resolution. You really have no choice but to move on.

Breaking up is never easy but if you've truly decided the relationship is over, the answers to your questions are straightforward:

1) Always say hello and act cordially at church, regardless of your friend's response. You live in the same community and will invariably see one another. if you take the high road, you'll be able to feel good about it.

2) In terms of your kids, at the age of 5, parents still determine friendships. Given your current relationship with your once-friend, I'd advise against setting up play dates for your sons. You're right. It would be too uncomfortable.

Like most breakups, yours isn't simple---especially because children are involved as well. It reminds me of another breakup question I recently answered. In that instance. too, a friend withdrew without explanation when she was besieged by personal problems. When this happens, it leaves the abandoned friend feeling helpless and hurt. Since your situation with your friend is recurrent, you need to find other friends who are more stable and predictable. You've tried to be there for her over and over and she has only rebuffed you.

Hope this is helpful,

Irene