boundaries

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend and I are very close and she's recently been under a lot of stress. A family member is dying and she is caring for this person. For about two months, she's been unable to listen to anything I say. If I don't agree with her completely, she angrily says I am not listening. No matter what I say, she says I‘m wrong.

 

I've been trying to be the best supportive friend I can be while her relative is dying. I, too, have cared for a dying relative; I know what it's like. However, even my most caring letters are returned correcting whatever I've said.

 

It's not that she's normally an oasis of serenity - she isn't. I usually am the person she can tell anything to, so I have heard all her complaints. Normally, this is okay as it is tempered with humor and two-way conversation. Now, even when I listen actively, reflecting back what she's saying, she angrily corrects me. I realize her behavior is not about me and she's under stress. However, I'm unwilling to be treated this way.

 

Because my friend's in another country and our communications are by email, I want to write a supportive note that sets a boundary. No matter what I say, she'll probably react with anger, but at least I can write something that is respectful of myself and of her.

 

She seems to have lost faith in me and does not presume any goodwill on my part. If that were true, why would she want me in her life? How can I communicate with her in a way so I'm not kicking her when she's down?

Signed,
Wendy

 

ANSWER

Dear Wendy,

No two people experience death in the same way, and even though you've cared for a dying relative, you can't completely understand---especially from afar---how your friend is feeling and what's she's dealing with. Cut your friend some slack; now isn't the time to set boundaries.

 

Your friend seems quick to anger and sensitive to any perceived criticism. You know her peccadilloes and seem to have accepted them. Yet, as you've witnessed, a person's worst tendencies can be exaggerated under stress.

 

Continue to offer your friend support by way of brief, regular emails but refrain from offering any unsolicited advice at this time or telling her that you know what she's going through. This is likely to be a temporary blip in your relationship that will resolve itself. If it doesn't, you can work it out later when she's back on her feet.

Best,
Irene

 

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

A Final Friendship Disappointment 

 

By Cara Sprunk

 

Having a new roommate is tough. Especially if you are "assigned" to each other and you don't have full control over the person whose bed will be right next to yours for a full year. Trust me, I've been there. I had the worst roommate of anyone I've ever spoken to. Lucky me.

My freshman year roommate and I failed to get to know each other or become friends - we were strictly two strangers who happened to share a room the size of a prison cell. We tried to make rules - our one attempt at creating a livable environment. We agreed on simple things like always locking the door (so don't forget your key!). I was paranoid about my laptop or jewelry being stolen and most of the people in our hall didn't lock their door so I was glad we agreed on that.

We also mutually decided to use headphones when listening to music, as we clearly didn't agree on music tastes or studying schedules. But we failed to make rules about guests in our room, cleanliness policies, smoking policies, and a whole host of other things. Because we had a bad relationship, I couldn't trust her and would occasionally feel like I had to hide my things. Having a roommate you can't trust is awful.

When I came across my sophomore year roommate, I vowed to make that year far more successful in terms of my living situation. Before we moved in, my roommate Jen and I both agreed that we needed some alone time, so it would be beneficial to our relationships if we sometimes just left each other alone. For example, I would come home from class and want to lie on my bed watching TV or talking on the phone. If Jen saw me she might choose to hang out in someone else's room for a little bit, and vice versa. We also established boundaries about guests. If I had a friend over who I knew Jen didn't completely love, I would hang out with her in a common space so as not to bother Jen.

Understanding and managing the distinction between roommate and friend was difficult. I loved Jen; she was a great friend. But sometimes she would do little things that would drive me crazy, and I know she'd say the same. I had to put my feelings for Jen my roommate aside, so they didn't seep out when we were in social situations. It would be a complete waste of time and energy to be mad at her for waking me up late the night before while we were having lunch with all our friends on campus. It made more sense to deal with it when we were in the room saying, ‘Hey, can you try to be more quiet when you come in?' This problem was ongoing and resulted in me having to use a Facemask to block the light when I needed to sleep.

I thought I knew Jen before we moved in, but when you live with someone you get to know them better than you'd want to. You know how clean they are, how often they shower---every little thing you didn't need to know. Again, you can't penalize your roommate for being kind of messy in situations outside of your room if you intend to continue a friendship with them. If Jen yelled at me for keeping an open drink on the table while we were out at a party it would have been super detrimental to our friendship. We discussed issues like that when we were in the room or just alone.

My best advice for living with a roommate can be summed up in this, communicate: Communicate rules, boundaries, and expectations. Then, if you want to have a relationship with the person beyond just roommates, keep roommate issues in the room!

*Cara Sprunk is a recent Cornell graduate with a Bachelor's degree in American Studies with a concentration in American culture. She is the managing editor of Her Campus, an online magazine for college women and the former assistant editor of Red Letter Daze, the weekend magazine supplement to the Cornell Daily Sun. She is former senior writer for Red Letter Daze and both the news and arts & entertainment sections of the Cornell Daily Sun. Cara has interned at Life & Style Weekly, OK! Magazine, and Star Magazine.

If you're heading back to college, you may want to take a look at some of these prior posts on The Friendship Blog.

GW Student Newspaper interviews The Friendship Doctor on College Friendships

College Friendships: A case of easy come, easy go?

Guest Post: Making friends at college

 

Follow The Friendship Doctor on Twitter. 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am currently engaged to a boy I met in college and we're looking forward to our upcoming wedding. The issue is with a friend of both of ours from college. She recently moved into our town and now expects us to spend ALL of our free time with her!

 

We are 30 years old now, so constantly entertaining friends has fallen to the bottom of the list as family, the wedding, saving for our future, and setting up a new home are all of more importance at this stage in life. I am so annoyed by the constant calling, stopping by our home, and calls to my fiancé after I tell her that we have a busy week planned.

 

In the last two weeks of May, she called my fiancé 16 times in 11 days! Even as a friend, that seems excessive to call someone else's fiancé so many times. I'm completely put off by her and no longer want the friendship. How do I tell someone who has become very negative, cynical and needy that they are no longer welcome? I would prefer to never have to see her again.

Thank you.
Bonnie

 

ANSWER

Dear Bonnie,

It sounds like your friend, who is new to your town, is trying to pick up the relationship she had with you and your fiancé from college. Not every friendship has staying power over time and as far as you are concerned, this one has fizzled out.

 

When someone is so needy and intrusive, you need to be direct and clear about boundaries and expectations. Tell her explicitly that you and your fiancé are consumed with planning your wedding and really have no time for socializing. Also tell her that you don't want her to drop in unexpectedly and that you both are too busy to take phone calls. You can say that you realize she is new to town and suggest that she branch out and make new friends.

 

Since your friend has also had a relationship with your husband, both you and he have to be on the same page about her. If she called him 16 times in 11 days, could he possibly be encouraging her? His message needs to be consistent with yours. If you and your fiancé agree that she is encroaching on your time, it might be a good idea to get on the phone together with her.

 

I know this isn't easy or pleasant to do but if you are certain you want to have nothing further to do with her, this approach should give her the message.

I hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

For the past six to eight months I've had two friendships deteriorate. Jillian had been my friend for about 15 years. We never partied or saw much of each other due to distance and her ten-year relationship with a guy yet we always kept in touch. When her relationship was over, we began to spend lots of time together.

 

Our relationship went into a tailspin when she questioned my character. She asked me to give her ex-boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen in 15 years) a ride home because she was leaving with her new love interest. After the ride, he invited me in for a drink. Of course, I declined and later called both him (he gave me his number to make sure I got home safely) and her. That was where all the confusion began.

 

The next day Jillian called asking if I'd "done" anything crazy with him. I was offended since I only provided the ride to do her a favor. Over the next few months, she began dating this guy again. I know this guy was interested in me, but that was a line I would not cross. The relationship with her has suffered since. She would make us all hang out together. The guy is very cool and we have a very good rapport; I have plenty of male friends and am comfortable with males on a friendship level. She is aware of the many strictly platonic male relationships that I've had all my life. However, she is always trying to compete with me about every single thing or tarnish my character. I've tried to hang on to the friendship for more than 6 months and it's been hard.

 

I've also recently broken up with Lexi. We had been friends for 20 years (we are in our 30's) and she is/was like a sister to me. I invited both Jillian and Lexi out to celebrate my promotion and Jillian came with the guy. Lexi had been secluded after a recent break-up with a guy so to come out and interact with my friends was a big deal for her. Eventually, Lexi ended up chatting with a guy I've been seeing on and off for the past 6 months. Although I was a bit leery of him and his intentions when Lexi told me he was nice and was interested, I blew up. I could not believe, that Lexi, my sister, my longest friend would hit on a guy I was sort of dating for 6 months. She had never met him before, but had heard stories about him.

 

My trust with both friends has been broken. Is there a way to mend both relationships? Do you think that Lexi's actions are from her recent break-up or just who she has always been? I've talked to several of my friends about Jillian. Most think Jillian has always been a bit competitive and a user. I never saw this side before and am now afraid of all my relationships. Help.

Thanks,
Risa

ANSWER

Dear Risa

The issue of trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. So I can understand how you must be reeling after two long-standing relationships unraveled over the same issue.

 

In the case of Jillian, if you knew that her guy was interested in you, she probably knew too. Instead of her confronting him about his trustworthiness, it sounds like you were an easier target. If it were this incident alone, you could talk to Jillian and, perhaps, get over it but it sounds like she is constantly competing with you. That makes me think that perhaps the women you both were 15 years ago have grown in different directions and that your relationship is really based primarily on shared history. While this is nothing to give up lightly, is Jillian the kind of friend you want in your life now or is she a frenemy, who tries to put you down whenever she has the opportunity?

 

In the case of Lexi, it sounds like she picked up on your ambivalence about the guy you were "sort-of-dating" and moved in to make the catch---perhaps innocently, but not very sensitively. I'm not sure from your letter if Lexi is still seeing this guy but I think you need to express your hurt feelings to her.

 

Your dilemma really has to do with your feelings about friendship and its boundaries and the men just happen to be red herrings that make things more confusing. Maintaining trust is the thread that runs thought both these painful situations. It can only help for you to speak with Lexi, and perhaps with Jillian too (if you feel so inclined) about mutual expectations of a trusting friendship, which often vary from person to person.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

The role of being a stepparent can be challenging. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.

 

Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent?

It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly with a birth parent a little easier for everyone.

If there is animosity, however, or potential for one parent to be manipulating another then it is a slippery slope. Being "friends" and being "friendly" are quite different. Friends also have the potential to get in arguments more than those who are simply friendly to one another. The problem with arguing with a friend about something unrelated to your stepparenting role is that it will probably take a toll on your relationship as parent/stepparent, and that is a relationship you really need to protect for the sake of the child. So, you might want to keep it "friendly", and not become BFFs until the child is old enough to be out of the house and on his or her own!

 

Can a stepparent be a friend with and adolescent or adult child?

Adult, potentially - If you became the stepparent to child who is already a mature adult, you may be more of a friend figure anyway. You are not going to be disciplining your stepchild, or making major life decisions for her so having more of a friendship won't confuse the adult stepchild.

It could still get hairy, however, if you have an argument with your stepchild since you can't really cut ties if necessary. Your stepchild will be your stepchild whether or not you are friends. You don't want an argument that could potentially disrupt your family unit in anyway, so you would still have to proceed in friendship with that in mind.

As far as boundaries go, telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets is out the window - unless you don't mind your spouse finding out and your stepchild doesn't mind risking her parent finding out! Keep in mind, your friend might be interested in intimate details about your relationship with your partner - your stepchild probably isn't!! As far as a friendship, proceed with caution and be aware of the dangers and boundaries.

Friends with your adolescent stepchild? No way. You are a parental figure. Adolescents need guidance and to know that they are safe when in your care. They don't need adult friendships from stepparents; they need strong supportive adults!

 

What are some of the landmines a stepparent faces with her stepchild's friends' parents who were friends of the birth mother?

The possibilities are daunting: She may have aired all your dirty laundry and then some to the other parents. The other parents might want to be gossipy and get you talking about the birth mother. The other parents may have chosen "a side" without even hearing your side.

The best thing to do in this situation is remain courteous, don't bad mouth the birth mother, and appreciate that these folks have a history with her, and to them you are "new" or "an outsider". Keep in mind, this is probably less about them not liking you and more about them feeling loyalty to the birth mother. If you act respectfully people will form their own opinions (it may take a LONG time) and eventually realize that you are just fine!

 

Any other thoughts about friendship and stepparenting, Erin?

Friendship is tough, at times, no matter how great the friendship. People go through different stages in life that can really throw a wrench into a friendship. I have always been friendly with my stepson's birth mother - not friends - but I would say we have grown a bit closer since I had my own son, and my stepson is away at college. We recently took pictures of my son and her daughter (my stepson's half siblings) together in their Halloween costumes as a surprise for him. So although we won't be hanging out with one another or chatting on the phone, we love my stepson enough to put our differences aside to assure that he feels that he has a loving family to come home to no matter which house he stays in!

 

Erin Munroe is a licensed mental health counselor, school adjustment counselor, school guidance counselor, and proud stepmother of her nineteen-year-old stepson. She lives in Braintree, Massachusetts and completed her MA in behavioral medicine and mental health counseling from Boston University School of Medicine. She currently works for the Boston Public Schools and holds a part-time position at a confidential teen-clinic, where she provides counseling to at-risk adolescents.

 

* DISCLOSURE: The Friendship Doctor (me) served as a technical reviewer for Erin's book, which I thought was extremely practical and thorough!

QUESTION:

Dear Irene:

I have been friends with the most needy, self absorbed, delusional person for nearly eight years. This woman can be absolutely toxic to the point that I have panic attacks when I feel trapped into interacting with her lately. Ours has never been a 50/50 sort of relationship.

 

I tend to be a loner by choice and I'm quite content to be with my husband and three kids with minimal, if any, social interaction. My friend knows this but doesn't understand that it also applies to her. Of course, as these things go, I am her ONLY friend.

 

This is the "balls to the walls" bizarre part that has thrown this relationship into Crazy Town. She just moved from three states away and bought a house DIRECTLY across the street from me three months ago. Yes, she's 20 steps from my front door!

 

My life has become a nightmare. I'm completely trapped in this beyond ridiculous situation with a woman who treats me passive-aggressively and is intensely critical. She is completely obsessed with me and I feel stalked. I hardly, if ever, initiate contact but she's always calling to say she's hungry, tired or bored or whatever else meaningless B.S. is going on with her. She is completely uninterested in how I feel or what I think about anything. Oh, except for fashion: That we can discuss ad nausea, during my forced weekly Project Runway viewing.

 

After three months as neighbors, my "friend" knows my daily schedule and injects herself into my basic errands like shopping trips and jogging, rudely and forcefully. She'll decide that WE MUST make such and such for dinner and won't take no for an answer. I eventually give in though sometimes it takes days for her to wear me down to a particular commitment. I'm strong but with this woman, I don't stand a chance. She'll persist and become hostile when I don't comply.

 

I have yet to erect any meaningful or lasting boundaries in this relationship because she's unbelievably mean and evil when things don't go her way. She's known for sending her military husband out like a rabid dog to crew out anyone who crosses her (of course, he's a victim too---quite a delightful man actually, poor guy). I felt trapped before when she called me everyday from across the country now I don't know what to do. She calls sometimes 5-10 times a day and sends upwards of 20 texts.

 

I love the life that my family and I had built here at our home of two years. She has nothing here but me and I need to get away from her. I can't just up and move away from my life, my family, my husband's job, kids school, everything. She may just follow me wherever we go anyway so the effort may be completely futile.

 

I feel absolutely helpless. Please, if you took the time to read this, take a moment to send a prayer or a positive thought my way. I could certainly use it.

Signed,
Helpless

ANSWER:

Dear Helpless,

You are as helpless as you make yourself feel. Such an extremely noxious situation calls for blunt and decisive action. Obviously, your "friend" is extremely intrusive and oblivious to your feelings and to any subtle social cues. It shouldn't come as a surprise that she has no other friends. 

 

This woman is not a "friend" in any sense of the word. If you are feeling so uncomfortable that you are having panic attacks, you need to be firm and make a clean cut. Your emotional health and that of your family is at stake. In an extreme case like this, my thoughts are as follows:

• Tell her point-blank that you can't maintain the relationship any longer. Take responsibility for the decision and don't allow her to make the conversation about her. This is about the way you are feeling.

• Explain your needs and those of your family for privacy without going into specifics that she'll poke holes in.

• Don't shroud your words in kindness. She'll misinterpret it as you leaving a door open to further negotiation.

• If she calls, emails or texts you, tell her that you can't really handle a relationship with her at this time. You'll let her know if things change. If she continues, don't answer or hang up.

• If you see her in the street or in a neighborhood spot, just nod and say hello and keep walking.

• Stop watching Project Runway.

 

My guess is that once she sees that you are unambivalent about cutting off the friendship, she'll quickly find another easier target, maybe her next-door neighbor. Stay strong.

 

I'm so sorry that she lives across the street. I know this won't be easy at first but you'll start reaping the rewards of getting rid of a very toxic friendship and your life will become more normal over time. Hopefully, she'll move on to greener pastures.

Best,

Irene

It's not unusual for platonic relationships to turn into something different or something more. Whenever this happens, regardless of gender, it can lead to misunderstandings if both people aren't on the same page. When two female friends are involved, the potential awkwardness is compounded exponentially because the experience is less common and less talked about.

 

I was pleased when my colleague Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a regular contributor to Redbook Magazine who has developed a loyal following as Dr. Romance, agreed to share some practical advice for women who find themselves involved in such a situation. Tina is a psychotherapist, author of Gay Relationships: How To Find Them, How To Improve Them, How To Make Them Last, and has written twelve other books on relationships.

 

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What should a woman do if she begins having sexual feelings for a female friend who isn't gay and who is involved in a heterosexual relationship? Should she express her feelings or squelch them?

A. DR. ROMANCE

I would never recommend approaching someone who is already in a relationship. Even if she does reciprocate your feelings, let her get disentangled from her current relationship (straight or gay) first. It's not a good idea, at any time, to begin a relationship with someone who is ‘taken' - if that person would leave her partner to be with you, what do you think she'd do if she were in a relationship with you? You'll never be comfortable with that. Instead, find a coming out group, a counselor, or another gay person to talk to. You need to sort out your feelings before any relationship will work.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

If two women have been involved sexually, is it possible to downgrade the relationship to a friendship without sex? Under what circumstances?

A. DR. ROMANCE

It's just as possible to convert from sexual relationship to friendship with same-sex pairings as it is with opposite sex pairings. It's complicated, it only goes smoothly if both parties want to cool it (which is not the usual case) and it takes a lot of talking and patience on the part of both people. Some couples need to break completely and wait a while, months or years, before they can be friends.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What if a girlfriend begins to say and do things that make a woman feel uncomfortable (e.g. touching her in suggestive ways, acting extremely jealous of her relationships with men)? How should the straight woman handle it?

A. DR. ROMANCE

Tell her she is making you uncomfortable. If she won't respect your feelings, give her an ‘adult time out.' That is, retreat to a polite (be polite, or it won't have impact) distance, not sharing any emotional closeness or friendship with her. When she asks you why, you can repeat that her advances are unwelcome. If that doesn't work, drop her as a friend. You can't be close with someone who doesn't respect your feelings.

On the other hand, if you feel a positive response to her, and what's making you uncomfortable is the idea of being lesbian, then it's important for you to sort out your homophobia first, with a counselor or coming out group.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What other problems might arise between two female friends, one gay and the other not?

A. DR. ROMANCE

If one is homophobic, and doesn't accept the other friend's sexual orientation, that is bound to be a problem between them. Otherwise, the only problems that will arise are the usual problems between any two female friends. That is, you might hurt each other's feelings, get caught in a lie, or be jealous of each other's happiness. Any time one of you treats the other badly, drops an appointment because of a ‘better offer' or borrows money irresponsibly, there could be trouble. If your friend is in an abusive relationship, you might be worried about her. Many things can go wrong in any friendship. At least, the two of you won't be competitive over the same man!

 

After a tiff with your BFF, it's natural to get upset and ask yourself (or a third person), "What's wrong with her?" That's because it's much easier for all of us to recognize blemishes or faults in our friends than it is to look in the mirror.

But if you're finding that you're having frequent conflicts-either with the same person or with multiple friends-or that people who you thought were close friends often wind up dumping you, you have to consider whether there's something you are doing or saying that's sabotaging your own friendships.

Here are 5 possible signs of toxicity to watch out for:

1) Are you too needy? Are you always the one who asks to get together? Are you the one putting forth all the effort in the relationship? Friendships need to be reciprocal. Even an ideal relationship may not be balanced every day or even every year but there's a give-and-take that evens out over time. If you are constantly asking for attention, advice, support, time or even material favors from your friend, or are demanding more than they're able to handle, it's not unreasonable for them to grow weary of your neediness.

2) Are you too volatile? Do you blow-up each time things don't go your way or do you tend to hide your feelings until they spew out when they can no longer be contained? No one likes to be with a friend who is intense, unpredictable, and seething, or who is unwilling or unable to work out little problems (before they become big ones) by talking about them.

3) Are you too moody? Everyone has his or her ups and downs but it's difficult to be with a moody person no matter what the relationship. Are you always in the throes of depression? Are you so energetic to the point that you exhaust the people around you? If your moods seem too intense for others to bear or if your moods cycle rapidly, it may be off-putting.

4) Are you too blunt or invasive? Are you the type of person that always says what's on your mind and expresses every thought totally unvarnished? Do you probe and ask questions regardless of whether your friend is ready to answer them. Are you so pushy that you make friends squirm in their seats? Close friends need to be kind and respectful of each other's feelings, not say everything that comes to mind, and be sensitive to and responsive to the lines their friends draw around them.

5) Are you too insecure? Do your friends always make you feel one down to the point that you feel like you need to brag, lie or aggrandize your own situation? Do you hold back or feel too shy to talk, to disagree, or to set boundaries? Are you unable to talk about things that are important to you? If most people make you feel this way, you need to look inside and see how you can make yourself feel better.

If you have lost a friend or two in succession, it may not be anything to worry about. But if you begin to recognize a pattern of lost friendships, one after another, intermittently, or very often, it's time to take notice and at least consider the possibility that it's you, not her.

QUESTION

Do you think a friendship can really exist between a straight woman and a lesbian?  I want to believe so, but I am finding that maintaining one is difficult. I am a 48-year old gay woman who has a 27-year old straight friend. We met at work about two years ago. Although there is a large age difference between us, Chelsea and I seemed to have a lot in common. Chelsea also told me that most of her friends and boyfriends have been older.

The gay/straight thing has caused a bit of a conflict during the course of our friendship. I will admit I have had feelings of jealously regarding her boyfriends but Chelsea never really wanted to talk about it. She would just hang up the phone on me if she didn’t like my comments or advice. I treated Chelsea as if she was my girlfriend, paid for dinner, plays, etc. and she liked it.

Recently our friendship has fallen off. An everyday phone call has now become once in a while. She doesn’t return my emails for days, if at all, and it seems as if I have to do the asking if I want to see her. Chelsea never asks me to do anything and she has stated she is just too busy with work and her social life in the Hamptons.

What I thought was a solid dynamic friendship is now looking like crap. I truly feel I should just let Chelsea go and if she contacts me in the future, maybe I will respond or maybe not??  I am very hurt and depressed because I do not know what happened or what I did wrong.

Thoughts???  Thank you for your help.

Sandy

ANSWER

Dear Sandy,

You are really asking a broader question: Regardless of gender, can a gay person and a straight person sustain a friendship. The answer: Yes, absolutely yes. Differences in sexual orientation don’t necessarily negate the possibility of a close friendship.

There may be a variety of reasons why your friendship with Chelsea isn’t working. I can only speculate; you sound somewhat confused but you may have more insight than you think. Could it be that you have less in common than you first thought? Could the age difference be more meaningful than it first appeared to be? Could Chelsea be feeling cautious about mixing work and friendship?

Or---is it legitimate for Chelsea to feel that you want more than a friendship from her, especially when you were jealous of her boyfriends and treated her like a “girlfriend” rather than a friend? Every friendship depends on two people establishing boundaries that are mutually comfortable. Perhaps, you inadvertently made Chelsea uncomfortable and she's not sure how to end the friendship.

Be upfront with her and ask her if she's uncomfortable with your relationship for any reason. If so, see if it is something that can be discussed and resolved. If not, you will simply need to let go---but you should feel better knowing that you tried to straighten things out. In the future, you may need to be more honest with yourself and with other women about whether your own feelings with a straight friend are platonic or something more.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,

Irene

 

 

LONGER THAN USUAL QUESTION:-)

Hi Irene!

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your website! I am going through a situation and desperately need advice! I have a very close cousin, Coralee, who I’ve basically grown up with like a sister and we’ve been friends most of my life. I am 28, and she is 37. About two years ago, I set her up with a co-worker of mine, a relationship that ended about six months later when he moved to California for another job. During the time she was dating him, I got pregnant. When my husband and I shared our exciting news at a family get-together, she stormed out of the room. I later learned from my co-worker that she was very upset and jealous. She felt that, at 35 years of age, she deserved to have a wonderful husband and to be starting a family instead of me.

When my daughter was three months old and I was getting ready to go back to work, my husband and I decided to move down the street from my parents, so my dad could watch her during the day. Coralee, my other cousin (Faith) and her husband, their parents, and my other aunt all live within about 10 miles of my new house. As a result, what was once an every-other-week get-together with my family, because we lived about 45 minutes away, is now 2 or 3 times a week. We have dinner at my house once a week, dinner at my aunt’s house once a week, and spend every holiday together.

My daughter is now 13 months old, and although Coralee was jealous and angry when I first got pregnant, she is now obsessed with my daughter. Before we moved, I only saw her at family functions and rarely one-on-one but she now sends me text messages and emails incessantly – 3 or 4 times a day and as late as 10:00 or 11:00 at night. And although she sees my daughter at least 2 or 3 times a week, it seems like it is never enough. She wants to come over on my days off, asks me every weekend if I want to go shopping or out to lunch, drops by at my dad’s house while he is watching my daughter, and at least once a month, “suggests” that my husband and I go out on a date so she can babysit. If I don’t respond right away, she sends messages like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me,” or “I haven’t heard from you lately…”

Last weekend, my husband, daughter, and I took a trip to visit my mother-in-law. During the course of this 4-day trip, Coralee sent me five text messages and called me twice, and when I didn’t respond right away because my battery had died, began sending messages to my husband, who was extremely irritated. He got another five text messages and one call from her and responded once to tell her we were safe and that my phone had died. She continued to send messages, saying things like, “I am having withdrawal,” and “I miss you,” and “You obviously don’t feel like texting.”

I chose not to respond because I knew it would lead to a very long string of texting that I didn’t have time for, considering I was already stressed making sure my daughter was fed, got her naps in an environment she was unfamiliar with, and didn’t break any of my mother-in-law’s things or toddle down the stairs. I also wanted to enjoy the vacation with my daughter and husband.

When we got home, I called my mom to ask for advice. She told me to call Coralee’s mom and see what she thought I should do. Well, when I called my aunt, as my uncle was handing the phone to her, I heard Coralee’s voice in the background yelling, “Why does she call you and not me?”

I didn’t realize Coralee was going to be over there for dinner when I called, so I was in a very uncomfortable situation at that point. My aunt went to the other room to talk to me, and I told her that things were getting really bad with Coralee and the texting and calling were getting to be too much. My aunt said she would talk to her that night. The next day, I emailed my other cousin, Faith. I am very close with Faith and explained what had happened on our vacation and my conversation with my aunt the night before.

This is not the first time Coralee has been told to back off. Faith has told her in the past that she is too needy (with me and with her other friends), and she often drops hints to Coralee that she should let us have some family time. As Coralee’s younger sister, she has always felt that Coralee is possessive of her, too. Coralee has been raised to think that she can have anything she wants. Her parents have never said no to her. So even Faith became like a doll that she could control.

As a result, she has very few friends and no significant other. She no longer has any hobbies, as she quit boxing and working out when she had a fallout with her trainer. She is a high school teacher and gets off work around 1:00PM with not much to do for the rest of the day. I feel like my daughter has become the only thing she looks forward to in her life.

I love Coralee, and I’m grateful my daughter has people in her family that love and support her, but I am becoming very angry about this situation. Coralee does not respect my time or space. She doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t always have time to be in constant communication with her. I just want to be able to come home, spend time with my daughter and husband, and relax and go to bed without feeling like I have another person’s needs to tend to.

With a one-year old, I barely have time to wash my own hair or shave my legs most of the time, let alone fulfill Coralee’s need for companionship. She just doesn’t understand how hard it is to come home from a 10 1⁄2 hour day at work after spending 40 minutes in heavy traffic and then feed, bathe, change, and put a squirmy wormy tired baby to bed every night, and then scarf down my dinner and collapse into bed. Of course I would not change having my daughter for anything in the world, but sometimes I just get exhausted, and it is HARD!

Coralee just doesn’t seem to understand that. On top of that, I don’t believe it is healthy for my daughter to have someone in her life, who is obsessed with her and thinks she can do no wrong. Coralee has often made comments that my daughter is “perfect,” and I don’t like the message that may send. Even though I have unconditional love for my daughter, I realize that she is just human like everybody else and will most definitely make some mistakes. If I treated her like she was perfect and could do no wrong, she might end up like Coralee, with an unhealthy view of herself and what a true balanced relationship should look like.

I know Coralee needs to see a counselor, but I also know if I were to suggest it, she would be livid and probably not speak to me for months. Although my aunt said Coralee’s embarrassed by this whole thing, she has yet to contact me to apologize since my aunt talked to her on Tuesday. How should I handle this situation without creating more of a rift in the family?

Frustrated yet hopeful,
Mimi

ANSWER

Hi Mimi:

Although you are fond of your cousin, you sound appropriately miffed at her jealousy, possessiveness and intrusiveness. Coralee hasn't been able to accept the changes in your life as you took on the new roles of a wife and then a mother.

But you haven’t done a good job either--in terms of establishing appropriate boundaries and communicating candidly with her about your own needs. Because she is so demanding, you may have to be very direct in setting limits about how often and how late she can call, for example, and about how much time she can spend with your daughter. Coralee shouldn’t have to hear this from her mother. You need to have a heart-to-heart with Coralee herself or this situation is going to fester to the point of a blow-up.

Another caution: Even if you are blunt, Coralee still may not “get it” first time around but at least you will have been forthright and given her the feedback she needs. Yes, she needs to get a life of her own and find other people and things she enjoys. Freeing up some of her time, the time she now spends on you and your daughter, may leave her holes that she will fill with new relationships and interests.

Being cousins as well as friends adds an additional level of complexity to your relationship. Even though your friendship has turned rocky, the fact that you have such strong family connections has kept you close. Since you appreciate and value the importance of kin, be careful to avoid a rift that could rapidly deteriorate into a family feud if other people are asked to get involved and take sides.

Since you are more whole than Coralee, extend the olive branch to her. Apologize for not being direct in the past. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate the love she shows for your family but tell her in no uncertain terms that you need more time and space for you and your immediate family.

Let us know how things turn out.

Best,
Irene