books

Dear Cousin Sel,

It was so much fun chatting with your fourth-Thursday-of the-month book group over the squawk box last week. Every author is thrilled to be invited to talk to a book group even though we realize it's never just about our book. It's also an excuse for busy women to get together, relax, nosh, sip and befriend---and, as importantly, to think about an issue or idea collectively that might not have occurred to any one individual in the group if she hadn't been obliged to read a book that took her on that journey.

That your group has now been meeting for almost 15 years is impressive. You've seen each other through different phases of the life cycle including childrearing, adjusting to empty nests, becoming grandparents, and facing illness, divorce and death. The incredible bond of friendship you've forged over time is evident, even over the phone. Like sisters, you interrupt and finish each other's sentences and feel comfortable enough to challenge one another and disagree. The conversation, laughter, and questions flow fast and easy.

Although we started off with the standard greeting, "Can everyone hear me?" and you all chimed in "Yes," I knew that I could endear myself to your kindred spirits in Hollywood, Florida if I recounted a few details of the impressive snowstorm that promised to reach blizzard proportions here in New York later that day. Floridians (and Californians) always like to gloat about the misery they left behind and your group didn't disappoint me. (Next time we "chat." I hope we'll be videoconferencing on Skype so I can see them laughing at our dire winter weather forecasts)

Conference calls to reading groups always feel somewhat daunting to me. Give and take is never the same as it is in person and I can't see the facial expressions and body language that typically warn me that I'm talking too much and should move on to questions and answers, or should just move on. I tried to be sensitive, asking whether I should skip reading one of the three passages I had selected from my book---but your group seem so genuinely interested and encouraging that I continued.

I must admit, though, that before long I felt like I was sitting beside you at the sunny dining room table in Broward County-with the sliding glass door leading to the covered porch. Your group was so warm and welcoming to an outsider. Perhaps, it's because you introduced me as "My cousin, the author," although we aren't actually blood relatives but cousins through marriage.

I was delighted to tell real readers (rather than editors and other writers) my own story---about why and how I became an author---and why I chose to write a non-fiction book about female friendship. Like most women, from the time I was a very young girl, I was innately curious about friendship and how mine stacked up to other women's experiences.

The best part for me, however, was hearing about your own friendships---including the ones you had with your own mothers and daughters, the joys and challenges you experienced, and the lessons you learned. You spoke about how the Internet has enabled you to reach back into your past and connect with childhood friends from your schools or neighborhood who knew you then, before you became the person you are now. Many of you stressed how important it is for women to maintain friendships over the years because they form the scrapbooks of our lives.

I want you and your group to know that each time an author speaks to a book group, she receives so much more than she gives. Yes, it's hard to sell books these days and you rounded up a captive audience of book buyers. But reading groups offer other, more intangible opportunities for authors: to learn from our readers and to hone our craft so our writing is better. Foremost, they reaffirm why books and the relationships between authors and readers are so important.

The funny part, Selma, was that after I hung up the phone, I was a bit envious of your book club buddies' relationship with someone as special as you. Next time you invite me to speak to your group, I've decided I want to be there live so I can spend some girl-time with you before or after. I imagine there are book groups around my hamlet in Westchester that could offer the same sense of sisterhood and support your group gives you, but I guess I'll have to wait until the power is back on and the large snow banks have melted to look around and find one.

Love,
Cousin Irene

Although it's sometimes hard to accept, life never evolves like a fairy tale. Journalist and author Irene Zutell's latest novel, Pieces of Happily Ever After (St. Martin's Griffin, 2009), sensitively captures the inevitable struggles that women encounter along the way, including: infidelity, divorce, balancing care for children and parents, juggling work and family, growing up, achieving independence, losing friends and making them.

 

You'll meet protagonist Alice Hirsch, a PR guru, who is married to Alex, an entertainment lawyer. They have a precocious five-year-old daughter and Alice is the primary caregiver for her mom, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When Alice's husband suddenly dumps her, very publicly, for a Hollywood starlet, she has to find a way to dig herself out of her problems and repair her damaged self-esteem. With the support of her "mommy friends," a cast of equally interesting and well-developed characters, Alice is not only rescued but finds she is able to define her own "happily ever after."

 

Set in California's San Fernando Valley, this story could well take place in any middle-class suburb. This particular backdrop provides a vehicle for the author to weave comic relief and celebrity culture into a thoroughly engaging and entertaining storyline. The well-paced plot offers a perfect blend of familiarity and surprise to grip the reader's attention from beginning to end.

 

Of course, I loved some of the lessons the book offers about mommy friendships---e.g. That woman need to actively forge new friendships as our lives change; that office friends can turn out to be nothing more than that; that we need to guard against judging friends too critically before we know them; and that adversity often helps us recognize our true friends. While friends and lovers play prominent roles in the book, its layered depiction of mother-daughter relationships is especially compelling.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I stumbled across your blog, and I think it's so helpful and needed in a society that seems to place greater value on romantic relationships than friendships.

I'm in my late 20's, and the older I get, the harder I've found it to keep deep, meaningful female friendships. We're growing in different directions, moving to different states, pairing off romantically, etc. I have three very close female friendships that I treasure but they aren't connected; they are friends from different sectors of my life. So I feel like I'm lacking a "friend group." I also feel as though I don't have enough deep friendships, in general.

It bothers me that most people my age seem to have a "group." I've been in friend groups before in my life, but I find that in friend groups, I can't connect as deeply to each friend. So I prefer one on one time. I know this sounds like a sort of hard question to answer, but what's the average number of close female friendships that women my age have? Or any thoughts you have on how friendships change as you get older.

Thanks very much,
Jane

ANSWER

Dear Jane:

What a great letter! You raised so many thought-provoking questions. A few ideas:

Some women have the good fortune of having groups of friends who have a shared history—based on where they were, where they lived, or what they did together.

There have been a spate of books lately---Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope, The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, and more recently, The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow---that make women feel like they’re missing out on something big if they don’t belong to a friendship circle. In fact, when I interviewed Mr. Zaslow, he said that he had two types of readers: those who had a circle similar to The Girls from Ames and those that wish they did!

When I read that literary trilogy on sisterhoods, I have to admit I was envious because, like you, I’m in the latter category. I have close friends but my friends aren't friends with each other. They come from different ages and stages of my life that don’t intersect.

While it isn’t impossible to forge a sisterhood later in life, it’s generally easier to do it as a teenager or young adult because you’re likely to have more time and to be thrown together in similar circumstances—whether it’s a team, sorority, or neighborhood. As we marry or divorce, move, or graduate and our lives diverge, it becomes tougher to sustain circles of friends.

Keep in mind: Even in a circle of friends, there are usually twosomes (dyads or pairs) who seem to have more in common, either temperamentally or situationally. Thus, each woman doesn’t have precisely the same relationship with each member in the circle. Zaslow figured out that there was a possibility of 99 different pairs in the 11 Girls from Ames.

 

People generally have far more acquaintances than they do close friends so it isn’t surprising that deep and meaningful friendships are the most coveted and difficult to achieve. Just like a romance, most women say that at their start, there is a certain essential chemistry that provides the foundation for best friendships. Then, as two women feel increasingly comfortable together, they are able to become more intimate and reveal their true selves to one another.

While there is wide variability, based on the data from my friendship survey, most women have between two and five very close or best friends (there's a section in my forthcoming book that looks at the numbers). What’s more important than quantity, however, is quality and whether or not you feel like you have enough of the right type of friends for you. If you feel like something’s missing, perhaps it is.

I will be returning to this topic again in another blog post but would love to hear from others about the topic of friendship circles and sisterhoods (when you’re on the inside) and cliques (when you are on the outside).

Best,
Irene

I’m always searching for great books about female friendships so I was delighted to learn about the release of Between the Covers: The Book Babe’s Guide to a Woman’s Reading Pleasures (Da Capo Press, November 2008).  

The authors, veteran book critics Ellen Heltzel and Margo Hammond—a.k.a. The Book Babes— have compiled a list of more than 500 books to help women find the perfect book for every mood and stage of their life. The book begins: “For book lovers, Paradise means getting between the covers. It means curling up with a good book, or just finding the right one on a bookstore or library shelf, or sharing a favorite with a friend.” Clearly, these are two women who are voracious readers, and who love and appreciate books.

Dubbed the bibliophile’s Ebert & Roeper, Heltzel and Hammon have organized their book into 55 lists, with ten books in each—new books and old, fiction and non-fiction—each list organized around a theme.

The book babies graciously agreed to develop a special list for my readers, the reviews of which are adapted from their new book. Between the Covers should be a reference book on every woman’s bookshelf.

TEN BOOKS ABOUT FEMALE FRIENDSHIP from The Book Babes

Female friendships can spring out of a variety of circumstances and show their strengths in many ways. The 10 books that follow celebrate the rich bonds that women can forge.

A COMMUNITY OF FRIENDS
1. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. The patriarchal plenitude of the Hebrew Bible inspires Diamant to read between the lines and flesh out the female counterparts. Dinah, daughter of Leah and Jacob, gets passing mention in the Book of Genesis, but here she’s elevated by fiction to a fully formed community that sits in “the ruddy shade of the red tent, the menstrual tent,” where their timeless stories depict the rhythms of women’s lives. Love and motherhood are part of the picture, but so are rape, revenge and betrayal, in tales that show how women hung together to endure the hardships of an often brutal world.

A FAITHFUL FRIEND
2. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, by Lisa See. In 19th century China, girls were paired together at a young age to provide companionship for each other throughout their lives. See’s novel shows two of these “old sames,” focusing on a narrator named Lily who marries well and obtains the trappings of her station. Not so Snow Flower, her life partner, whose story drives home the oppressive conditions under which women lived. Lily remains faithful in spite of their diverging paths, recalling, “She was the only one who ever saw my weaknesses and loved me in spite of them.”

FRIENDS WITH A COMMON ENEMY
3. A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini. Mariam is the first wife, cruelly pushed aside when she fails to produce an heir for her Afghani husband. Laila is No. 2, the younger and prettier arrival who also suffers at the hands of the man both women come to hate. In this novel, his second after the bestseller “The Kite Runner,” Hosseini paints a picture of life under the Taliban that includes wife beating and childbirth without anesthetic as common practices. Meanwhile, Mariam and Laila demonstrate the kind of mutual devotion in which no sacrifice is too great.

FRIENDS IN TIMES OF GRIEF
4. The Knitting Circle, by Ann Hood. The death of her 5-year-old daughter, Stella, sends the fictional Mary Baxter into the bleak state of sorrow that only a caring community can quell. By joining a group of women knitters, she finds this healing community, and in the process becomes acquainted with other kinds of suffering. Gradually she learns that, while there’s no escape from sorrow, an open heart increases the capacity for joy. (Baxter is a stand-in for Hood, who subsequently wrote “Comfort: A Journey Through  Grief,” the non-fiction version of what it meant to lose her young child.)     

AN HONEST FRIEND
5. Truth & Beauty, by Ann Patchett. This prize-winning novelist takes time out from writing fiction to recall the strange and enduring friendship she formed with fellow writer Lucy Grealy, whose face was deformed by cancer that destroyed part of her jaw. As told in this loving but honest tribute, Grealy was the wounded bird who relied on Patchett to rescue her from the fallout of her reckless behavior. Grealy’s death from an accidental heroin overdose in 2002 is a loss she still mourns: “Even when Lucy was devastated or difficult, she was the person I knew best in the world, the person I was the most comfortable with.”  

FRIENDS DESPITE GREAT DIFFERENCES
6. The Faith Club: A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew: Three Women Search for Understanding, by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver and Priscilla Warner. Can people of vastly different backgrounds get along? These three mothers – all of different faiths – say yes. After 9/11, they began to meet on a regular basis to talk about being Muslim, Christian and Jewish. Their freewheeling, no-holes-barred conversations, recorded here, included such sticky topics as who killed Jesus, what is jihad and religious stereotyping. Laughing, arguing and challenging each other, through their “faith club” they become friends.

FRIENDS UNITED BY PAIN
8.  Nordie’s at Noon: The Personal Stories of Four Women ‘Too Young’ for Breast Cancer, by Patti Balwanz, Kim Carlos, Jennifer Johnson, and Jana Peters. Here, four women are thrown together after receiving shocking news: All were 30 or younger when they were diagnosed with breast cancer. Meeting at a Nordstrom café near their Kansas City homes, they became “bosom buddies,” discussing treatment choices, family reactions, the role of faith and their attitudes toward death. (Patti's family finished her portion when she lost her battle at age 29.)

FRIENDS AS CARETAKERS
9. Talk Before Sleep, by Elizabeth Berg.  Illness brings out the fierceness of female friendships like no other situation. In this novel about a woman dying of breast cancer, the focus is less on how Ruth copes with her disease than how her female friends do. Forming a support system, they bring her ice cream and lobster, fend off her heartless ex-husband and offer distracting conversation. Much to the dismay of her friends, Ruth eventually decides to spend her last days with her brother in Florida. When Ann, who narrates this tale, finally gets the call that her friend is gone, she hangs up and immediately makes another call. Halfway through dialing, she realizes whom she’s calling: “Ruth, to tell her she died.”

FRIENDS OF DIFFERENT AGES
10. Great With Child, by Beth Ann Fennelly. Friendships between women of different generations can be invaluable. Here, a poet and mother writes to a former student who is pregnant to offer her support and advice. Her missives are alternately moving, funny and practical, with an unusual honesty about just how hard it is to be a young mother. Favorite line: 'What I want to say today, sweet friend, is no matter how busy you become as the mother of a newborn, make sure you read in a good book every day, even it's just for a few minutes.”

More recommendations from The Book Babes can be found at their blog, www.thebookbabes.com.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

The term ‘frenemy' is increasingly becoming a part of the friendship lexicon so I was pleased to recently conduct an email interview with Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler, the co-authors of Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don't.

Andrea is an editor at Cosmopolitan. Her likes: dessert, a white wine spritzer on a warm summer night (seriously), and watching Gossip Girl. She lives, works, shops, and lives to shop in New York City.

Jessica works in book publishing. Her likes: comfort foods, a tall pint of Guinness on a cold winter night, and reruns of the Golden Girls. She lives, works, plays, and lives to play in New York City.

 

Question:

Do you think every woman has a frenemy at some point in her life?

Answer:

Not every woman has a textbook frenemy (think: the feuds between starlets that the supermarket tabloids love so much), but we think that many of us have had, at one time or another, a friendship that ends up being more negative than it is positive or more toxic than it is healthy. Our friends are often like a second family, so it's inevitable that drama can sometimes arise.

 

Question:

Are some women more prone to these relationships than others?

Answer:

Definitely. As women, we're sometimes taught to avoid confrontation and put our own feelings last. That being said, a frenemy might take advantage of someone who is nonconfrontational. Also, excessive frenemy drama can surround people who secretly feed off of it. And, while frenemies can happen at any age, they seem to be more prevalent when someone is younger.

 

Question:

How can a woman recognize a frenemy when she has one?

Answer:

We like to joke that a surefire way to know if someone is a frenemy is that if she (or, in some cases, he) cancels plans at the last minute, you feel a wave of relief. In all seriousness, a frenemy is a negative force in your life who often brings out the worst in you. She's emotionally draining and takes more than she gives in a friendship. To sum it up, even though she's toxic, it's really hard to end the friendship because no one actually expects to break up with a friend.

 

Question:

Why do some of these relationships linger and go on?

Answer:

In some cases the unpleasantness of remaining in the friendship is nothing compared to the drama of ending it. In other situations, such as at work, you're forced to interact with the person on a regular basis, making it nearly impossible to severe ties. Another reason why these relationships linger is because most women are conditioned to be mindful of other's feelings and would rather endure a friend's flaws than risk coming off as insensitive or unkind.

 

Question:

Why did you choose to focus your writing on frenemies?

Answer:

We like to write about issues that are pertinent to women our age. After completing our first book, The Hookup Handbook, we were in our mid-20s and realized that our friendships were changing due to a variety of factors. On one hand, things like online social networking, text messaging, and email was making it easier than ever to stay in constant communication with our friends, but also watering down the quality of the friendships. We also noticed that people were hitting milestones, like marriage and children, at different rates, which put a strain on friends that used to have everything in common. And of course, there is the pop culture element: real-life Hollywood frenemies have been dominating the tabloids for a few years now and shows like The Hills and Gossip Girl focus on friend drama.

 

Question:

Do you think that the introduction of the term ‘frenemy' into popular culture will help women? How?

Answer:

Absolutely. We all have friends that bring out the worst in us or make us feel bad about ourselves. Only now we know that they're not really friends. They are frenemies and should be treated as such (i.e. manage your expectations of this person and limit your contact with them.)

In a recent post on her Psychology Today blog, research psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out, raises the issue of what it means to be “just friends.”

Unlike marriage (and same-sex unions in some States), friends have no legal ties to one another. Unlike siblings, they have no blood ties. Yet one of the most unique and defining characteristics of a friendship is that it is a totally voluntary relationship that exists simply because two people “just” want to be friends.

Ironically: “Friends are marginalized as ‘just’ friends,” writes DePaulo. “Now that Americans spend more years of their adult lives single than married, friendship is more important than it used to be,” she adds. “As family size decreases, so, too, do options for family care in old age or any other age - fewer people have siblings or adult children to care for them (or if they do, those family members may live many miles away). Again, it is friends who come to the rescue.”

Whether single or married, it is often difficult for women to strike the right balance between their friendships, family ties, careers, and needs for time alone. Yet DePaulo’s remarks remind us that---in sickness and in health, for better or for worse---it’s always a treasure to be surrounded by strong, caring female friendships.

Some of the most painful and unexpected girlfriend breakups occur during the roller-coaster middle-school years. Alexa Young’s engaging new teen novel, Frenemies (HarperTeen, 2008) is a book that moms will want their daughters to read in preparation for this rude awakening. The book tells the story of two eighth-graders and BFFs, Halley Brandon and Avalon Greene, who have always agreed on everything. But after spending a summer apart, they’ve changed—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually.

Alexa graciously agreed to answer my questions about her book.

Why did you decide to focus this series on middle-school girls?

Because my editors made me (!)—but with very good reason. After all, middle school is arguably the time when female friendships can really start to unravel, largely because girls go through so many life-altering changes during those years. Obviously, there are all the puberty-related physical and emotional changes, as well as all sorts of new social and academic pressures. It’s also the time when most girls really start to break away from the familiar voices of authority in their lives, to develop a more independent outlook and pursue new friendships, romantic interests, ideas about what they want their future to look like. All of these things can cause huge shifts and upsets with the people we’re closest to—and that’s what the FRENEMIES series is all about: Growing up and changing and drifting apart (and then lashing out at the people closest to you in really inappropriate ways!). Obviously, these issues don’t stop once you make it through middle school, but the tween years are typically when it all starts and when every tiny event in your life can feel like the biggest deal EVER. If your friend doesn’t invite you to spend the night, your crush doesn’t notice you, you don’t get the must-have outfit or get to go to the biggest party of the year…YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE OVER! It really does feel that way. I know it did to me.

Why are female friendships so turbulent during this period?

Again, I think it has a lot to do with all the changes we go through and how much that can feed our insecurities as well as spark a lot of envy and jealousy. Some girls may be developing more quickly or slowly than others, some may be getting involved in romantic relationships, some may be exploring new ways of expressing themselves—whether in the way they choose to dress or by making new friends or joining new clubs and pursuing sports or other extra-curricular activities. Some may be taking their academics more seriously than they ever have in the past. All of these things fuel a lot of excitement as well as confusion, self-doubt and—potentially—a whole host of awfully dramatic mean-girl maneuvers between supposed “friends.” Speaking from personal experience, I was horribly self-conscious about the fact that most of my friends went through puberty in middle school while I was still waiting for all those “developments,” and that they were all starting to “go out” with guys while I was pretty nervous and awkward around the opposite sex. I was a real late bloomer, and seeing all my friends advancing in physical and social ways sparked plenty of self-doubt. On the other hand, I began to flourish academically and in extra-curriculars, which helped to balance me out but definitely took me in new directions as far as my friendships were concerned.

How can a pre-teen or teen tell a frenemy when she meets one?

I think the red flags are there no matter what your age. There are the obvious acts of betrayal, like talking behind your back or stealing your boyfriend—but I don’t think those are nearly as common as some of the more subtle ways a frenemy shows her true colors. That might include talking about herself but never taking the time to listen to you; only coming to you when she needs or wants something; not supporting your interests or goals; becoming threatened, jealous or envious—rather than excited for you—when things are going your way; constantly trying to one-up you; disappearing whenever you need her (e.g., when she gets a “better” offer to do something with someone else). Most important, it’s a feeling you get when you’re around her: You don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t like who you are, you don’t feel confident being yourself around her, you feel drained rather than energized after spending time with her.

What are the lessons you try to teach in this book?

I’m actually not trying to teach any lessons at all. I think the moment you make a conscious effort to convey a particular message—at least in a work of fiction—it winds up backfiring because it’s only going to come across as preachy and moralistic. As my editors say, “You’re not writing an after-school special!” Particularly when you’re writing for teens, they’re going to see right through that kind of thing and run screaming for something less obvious. So all I’m really trying to do is tell the story with humor and heart. That’s not to say there aren’t deeper messages in there, though, because I think there definitely are—they just weren’t messages I consciously tried to deliver. Some of the takeaways that I think (hope!) shine through: That insecurities can drive us to do absurd things to the people we care about the most in our lives—and that that can be awfully unproductive; that it’s okay to pursue new interests and express yourself in new ways, and that people who’ve truly got your back will support you; that if you’re feeling threatened or uncomfortable or hurt around your friend, you need to explore those emotions—possibly with her—rather than lashing out and making the problem worse. I think the book illustrates what not to do a lot more than what to do, though! I guess that’s why, ultimately, it comes across as fairly light and humorous with subtle messages woven in, when all is said and done.

Can frenemies ever really turn into besties at the end?

It really depends on the nature of the relationship and what’s causing the tension. If one friend betrays or hurts another in an unforgivable way, then I think it’s going to be awfully hard to get past that. However, if it’s a matter of two people drifting apart and pursuing different paths, I firmly believe they can be best friends again—if and when their paths and interests and lives converge again. It may take years, even decades, for them to find that common ground…but I absolutely think it’s possible.

How can moms help their daughters learn to navigate female friendships?

Wow. Great question. As a fairly new mom myself, I think the biggest thing all parents can do—no matter how old their children are—is to lead by example. A mother who has loving, supportive female friendships in her life is probably going to do a great job of raising a daughter with the same. Beyond that, I think moms can encourage their daughters to pay attention to how they feel when they’re around their friends, and to honor those feelings and instincts. As I mentioned before, if your daughter feels insecure or unhappy or unable to be herself in the presence of her friends, that’s a major problem and something that needs to be addressed—most likely, she needs to make some new friends. Another really important message Moms can reinforce: Don’t view differences between yourself and other girls as a sign that any of you are doing anything wrong. All relationships are about the right fit—so if you don’t connect or click with a particular person, that’s doesn’t have to mean one of you is any better than the other…it just means you’re not meant to be friends. Emphasize that everybody is different—not better or worse.

About the author: Alexa Young spent the first several years of her professional life working in the music industry and subsequently worked as an editor for the now-defunct teen magazine JUMP, as well as for SHAPE magazine. As a freelance writer, she’s contributed to a number of national consumer magazines, including Marie Claire, O: The Oprah Magazine and Family Circle. She holds a bachelor's degree in Literature/Writing from the University of California, San Diego, and lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband, son and dog. FRENEMIES is her first novel. The second book in the series, FAKETASTIC, is scheduled for a January 2009 release.

It’s wonderful to begin teaching young people about the joys of friendship. In honor of Valentine’s Day, the Perrot Memorial Library (Old Greenwich, Connecticut) just published a list of its Youth Services Staff's favorite books about love and friendship. Click here to view the full list.

One particularly lovely book on the list---and one of my favorites---is Leo Lionni’s Little Blue and Little Yellow, a simple but eloquent tale of two best friends who hug each other and become green. This picture book has entertained young children and their parents for nearly 50 years.

When it comes to friendships, it’s not how long or how close or how good. Instead, the latest craze seems to be how many. No one is quite sure how many friends you need or how many you can have. Given the number vacuum, some members of social networking sites like Facebook, My Space, or LinkedIn are accreting new friends like young boys collects baseball cards---acquiring impressive numbers of online “friends” that approach the hundreds and thousands.

Such excess raises the question---How many friendships, real, virtual or a combination of the two---can any one person reasonably handle? It depends on who you are and what it means for you to befriend someone. Are your friendships casual or close? Are they intense or intermittent? Are they brief or long-standing?

Every woman I know has a finite amount of time for friendship (which varies based on how she chooses to balance her social needs with the rest of her life). Additionally, some women are naturally more adept than others in both making friends and keeping them.

British anthropologist Professor Robin Dunbar has conducted research that concludes that humans are functionally hard-wired to handle a maximum of 150 friends at a time. That number, 150, has been dubbed Dunbar’s Number. The term was popularized by Malcolm Gladwell in his book, The Tipping Point and has been cited recently in a spate of news articles.

In a recent Wall Street Journal article, Carl Bialik (AKA the Numbers Guy) suggests that technology may actually enable us to expand the number of friends we can juggle simultaneously. He points out that social networking sites can help us maintain contact with people who are at the outer fringes of our circle of friends. Cell phones, emails, and IMs have similarly expanded our capability to reach out and touch someone.

“Prof. Dunbar isn't sold on the idea that social networks make his number outdated,” writes Bialik. “The research, he says, ‘made us realize people don't know what these wretched things called relationships are -- and that helps explain why we're so bad at them.’”

When a close friendship fades away, the passage of time makes it harder and harder to patch up the divide.

In Songs without Words (Alfred A. Knopf, 2007), the writing of Ann Packer captures the fragility of female friendships as well as the complexities of repairing friendships when they falter.

Lifelong friends Liz and Sarabeth are like sisters: They share a long and rich history with one another. Over time, their lives take different paths when one remains single and the other marries and has children---yet the relationship remains steadfast...