books

Deirdre Madden's most recent novel, Molly Fox's Birthday (Picador, 2010), is a beautifully written story that aptly conveys the complexity of a woman's emotional bonds with her family and friends. The story is focused on a single day in the life of an unnamed narrator, a playright who is staying over at the Dublin home of her closest friend of 20 years, an actress named Molly Fox. The narrator is trying to work on her latest play, but keeps getting distracted and winds up doing far more reminiscing and thinking than writing.

 

I was honored to conduct this interview via email with Deirdre, an acclaimed Irish novelist, to have her respond to some questions about the book, about writing, and about her own friendships. Molly Fox's Birthday was a nominee for the prestigious Orange Prize for Fiction.

 

Irene:
Why did you choose to tell your story within the confines of a single day in the life of the main character?

Deirdre:
A book that was very much in my mind when I was writing Molly Fox's Birthday was Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway. I liked the balance between the past and the present, and it seemed like a good model, a good way to arrange the material. My writing tends to be quite introspective and is concerned with memory rather than being active and narrative-driven. Setting the novel over a single day allowed for these elements to find a suitable balance.

 

Irene:
Why did you leave the main character unnamed?

Deirdre:
I liked the idea of knowing a great deal about a character - pretty much her whole life story - and yet not knowing her name. Usually it's the other way round: when you present or describe someone, the first thing you say is ‘This is...' and you name her. So it was a way of holding something back, of signalling a bit of distance between the reader and the narrator. On the same subject, when writing a novel, often you know that you've got to grips with a character when you've got a name for them that you know really suits.

 

Irene:
Is the narrator's flow of thoughts, procrastination, and writer's block something you've experienced first-hand?

Deirdre:
When you're writing a novel there are times, particularly at the start of the project, when, I find, you need to be quite passive and vague. You need to be receptive, to day-dream a bit, to follow stray thoughts that might or might not lead somewhere and become useful. The trick is to know when to move on from that phase to a more focused and active mindset. If you don't get it right, you do end up wasting time and procrastinating, stuck on something that's going nowhere. I suspect that sooner or later most writers go through something similar to the narrator's creative problems in Molly Fox's Birthday. You just keep going and you get through it.

 

Irene:
Do you have many long-term friendships of your own and how have they weathered the years? Do you believe in such a thing as "friends for life?"

Deirdre:
Yes, I have quite a few long term friends, some of them very long term indeed! Everyone changes as the years pass, but in a true friendship there's something at the heart of it that either evolves with the changes, or else over-rides them so that they don't matter. Circumstances can change but the thing that drew you to that person in the first place can stay constant. But like any important relationship, you can't take a friendship for granted or neglect it. It merits attention and respect.

 

Irene:
Why did you characterize Molly as a friend-poacher? What are your thoughts about friend-poaching (taking someone else's friend and making them your own)?

Deirdre:
Although she is vulnerable in many ways, Molly Fox has a much stronger personality than her friend, the playwright who narrates the novel, and has a stronger will. What one person sees as friend-poaching another will see simply as mutual friendship. Much depends upon the nature of the friendship that is being encroached upon: often the person about to become the wounded party won't have fully understood or admitted to the real nature of a friendship until they feel it to be under threat. That's certainly the case in the novel.

 

Irene:
Do family relationships, in any sense, predetermine our friendships?

Deirdre:
I'm very interested in relationships within families, most particularly siblings where one person is an artist - a painter, a writer or an actor - and how that impinges upon their brothers and sisters. Family and friends aren't, of course, mutually exclusive, and I believe people who are happy and at ease in their families are more likely to be relaxed about making connections and friendships outside the family. I suppose most of us take some kind of lead from our parents on how we conduct friendships, without our even being conscious of it. Molly Fox's Birthday is about family as well as about friendship.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons. 

 

 

*****BOOK GIVEAWAY

To be eligible for a free copy of Molly Fox's Birthday, post a comment about friendship, writing, or friend poaching here. Please include your email address so I can contact you if you are the winner. (If you don't want to post your email address here, you can post the comment and send your email address to me at irene@thefriendshipblog.com/)

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Sunday, August 15, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends!

 

Allison Winn Scotch's novel, The One That I Want (2010), is an engaging summer beach read that makes you think about the friendships you have and those that have drifted apart.

 

The main character, Tilly Farmer, is a 30-something high school guidance counselor who marries her high-school sweetheart, and still lives and works in the same small town where she grew up. As the story unfolds, we learn how Tillie's past has affected her current relationships. With the help of an old friend and a dash of clairvoyance, Tilly begins to re-examine the choices she's made.

 

I asked Allison, my friend and colleague, about her latest book, her characters and her own friendships. Also check out my previous interview with Allison soon after the release of her last NYT bestseller, Time of My Life.

 

Irene:

Two of the characters that figure prominently in The One That I Want are Tilly Farmer's friends, Susannah and Ashley. Both friends support Tilly during some tough moments in her life. What role have your own friendships played in developing these characters?

 

Allison:

Well, Susannah is a compilation of a few of my closest friends - not in terms of personality or what she goes through, but the understanding of that unconditional support that they offer. That, in your lowest of moments, that she'll show up with a bottle of wine or answer that phone call in the middle of the night or get you out of the house if that's what's called for. I'm someone who can probably count her really true honest-to-god best friends on one hand, but those women are like sisters to me, and so that's more than enough. And that's what Susannah is for Tilly.

As far as Ashley, she was a reflection of some of the friends I've outgrown (or who outgrew me). I think we all have those friends too: girls you were blood sisters with until, say, you hit puberty or went to college or even grew out of in your twenties, and you still look back on them fondly, but now maybe don't have so much in common with anymore.

In Ashley and Tilly's case, they find a way to forge new bonds, but their relationship isn't based strictly on the past, and I think this is important if you're going to renew a friendship like this. It's all well and good to sit around and laugh over high school, but an honest friendship needs more than that. Eventually, Ashley and Tilly discover their new common ground.

 

Irene:

At the start of the story, Ashley feels more like a frenemy than a friend. What happens to Tilly's friendship with Ashley over time?

 

Allison:

A few things. For one, Ashley is the person who literally sparks Tilly's "clarity," which Tilly initially resents and blames Ashley for. But because of this, they start interacting more, and when Tilly really starts to unravel, she realizes she needs someone in her corner, and surprisingly, she wants that person to be Ashley, who is having plenty of problems of her own. And in watching her cope with these problems, Tilly discovers she has a begrudging admiration for Ashley's tenacity. Sometimes - and I've experienced this in my own life - the people you expect to have your back aren't there for you in the way you anticipate, while other people step up and offer support in ways you wouldn't have imagined. That's what happens exactly with Tilly and Ashley - the support and growth and learning goes both ways.

 

Irene:

Because Tilly has remained in the town where she grew up, her friendships have remained fairly constant. Do you think that is a good or bad thing?

 

Allison:

For me, I'm not sure that it would be a good thing, but I know that there are plenty of people for whom it is. What's interesting for me, in terms of assessing my friends and friendship groups, is that many of my truly dear friends are women I've met it my adult life, women who share commonalities with my life now and that's why we've become close. I also have a very tight core group of friends from college, and those women are invaluable to me too - that shared history is important but, at least with the ones I've stayed close with, we also still grown up together and share some similarities in our adult life.

So again, this is just for me, but my friendships are almost similar to romantic relationships in the sense of it's important to me that they not just be about nostalgia but are current and in-the-moment and pertinent to what's happening now, around us, in our thirties. Which isn't to take anything away from childhood friendships or staying close to the friends you grew up with. AT ALL. I think that's admirable too - and it's really what works for each individual. Only that now, at 37, what works for me is that many of my dearest friends are women I've known since my mid-twenties, not necessarily earlier.

 

Irene:

You use the term "friendship fidelity" in the book? What does that mean to you?

 

Allison:

For me, this gets back to your first question: that underlying understanding that through thick and thin, Susanna would be there for Tilly. And I feel the same way about some of my own friends - there is very little I wouldn't do for them. At the same time, many of my friendships have their own rhythms and tides: sometimes, I may literally go two months without connecting with my best friend, but there is no doubt that when either one of us picked up the phone and truly needed the other, that we'd be there.

I feel like the strongest friendships - at least in my life - are those that don't need daily reassurance. It's enough for me (and my friends) to know that somewhere out there, someone has my back, and that when that times comes - whether I just want to crack up for 20 minutes on the phone or am really embroiled in a true crisis - that woman will be there for me, hands down. I'm pretty grateful to know that I have the security of this and to have these women in my life.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

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New York Times best-selling author Jane Green is a mother of six. Remarkably, she has written a book a year for the past 12 years. Like her other books, the newest one also focuses on the emotional lives of lives of women.

Promises to Keep, was inspired by the life and death of her real-life friend Heidi, who was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. The journey she shared with her girlfriend, accompanying her to chemo and spending time with her when she was too weak to leave her bed, profoundly affected the way Jane thinks about relationships, especially her friendships. My interview with Jane highlights some of her thoughts about that life-changing friendship with Heidi:

 

Irene:

Jane, I know you were born in London. What challenges did you face as an expat making friendships in a new country? How did you meet those challenges?

Jane:

It took me a long time to find my footing here. I moved and made instant friends through having a young child and joining a mommy and me group, but few of them were lasting. By the time a year was up, I had a core group of three who remain amongst my dearest.

 

Irene:

How did you meet your friend Heidi, who inspired the book? What was special about that friendship?

Jane:

Heidi was one of those three mentioned above. I met her first at a children's music class. I didn't know her name, but we cracked up laughing at the ridiculousness of the teacher. When she left, I was instantly regretful that I didn't ask for her number. All I knew was that her name was Heidi, she had a son, and she lived on the other side of town. I spent a week trying to find her, and on the Friday I was hosting a playgroup in my yard. I was alone with my son, waiting for our regular mothers to arrive, when my garden gate opened and in walked Heidi. She had been invited by one of the regulars.

We became instant fast friends, and put our children into pre-school together, so we were together every day. She was a remarkable girl. She had more confidence and sparkle than anyone I have ever met, was utterly comfortable in her own skin, and as a result drew people to her. She was incredibly wise, and measured, and the first person I always turned to for advice.

 

Irene:

What impact did the premature and tragic death of a friend have on your life/friendships?

Jane:

I am very busy, life is very busy, and I was, I think, a somewhat lazy friend. I love them, I know they love me, but I didn't make much of an effort. I would forget to call, and was relieved that even if we didn't see each other often, our friendships somehow stayed the same. Going through an illness and then death of a close friend, has changed my attitudes to friendship enormously.

I learned that saying you love your friends isn't enough; that love is a verb, it requires Acts of Love. It is all about the doing, not the saying, and now I make a point, every day, of emailing, or phoning, or making a plan with those I love.

 

Irene:

You have four young children, a new husband with two children of his own, and an active career. How do you balance friendships with the rest of your life?

Jane:

I have learned that it is imperative that I make time for my friends, that they demand to be as much a part of the mix as my family and my work, and perhaps more so, because they are not an inevitability. All relationships, be it your spouse, your family, your friends, take work, and I make sure that a part of every day is spent connecting with friends.

 

Irene:

What friendship lessons do you think that mothers need to convey to their daughters?

Jane:

Kindness, I believe, is key. Avoiding "girl drama" by not engaging and walking away. Consideration of others.

 

Book Giveaway:

Jane's latest book is so gripping that I had a hard time putting it down. Would you like a chance to win a free copy and be one of the first people to read Promises to Keep? If so:

Post a comment here about the most important friendship lesson you've ever learned or else email it to me at Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com with the subject line: FRIENDSHIP LESSONS.

Please be sure to include your email address if you post it so I can contact you if you are the winner.

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Tuesday, July 6, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends!

I was delighted to interview HuffPo blogger and fellow author Marcia Reynolds, PsyD to discuss her new book and the topic of female friendships in the workplace. Marcia is the author of Wander Women: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction (Berrett-Koehler, 2010). Her doctoral degree is in organizational psychology with a research emphasis on the needs of high-achieving women; her road to success is nothing short of impressive.

 

Irene: In what ways can female friendships help or hinder women at work?

Marcia: I believe women should create "communities of support" at work that consist of at least two other like-minded women who will help each other stay on target to their dreams and resolve problems along the way. I describe how to create these communities and what you should look for when choosing who should be in your group in my book:

"Coming together with like-minded women will keep you from feeling isolated. Empathetic, encouraging friends committed to growth can help one another maintain focus even when layoffs loom, employees whine, the kids at home scream, health issues nag, and projects overwhelm. If you can find other women who are consciously trying to become better leaders or live more satisfying, purposeful lives, you can develop personal connections and create communities with women who regularly help one another learn and grow."

Once you align with these women, there are four requirements for sustaining your community: you trust each other to tell the truth, speak directly to you, and not talk behind your back; you honor that you are all changing and learning and respect the shifts that are taking place; you allow each other to express emotions as long as they do not hurt anyone else; and you find ways to laugh together as often as possible.

 

Irene: What are some of the ways women tend to sabotage one another on the job?

Marcia: Sabotage more commonly consists of passive-aggressive behaviors that a person can deny than the more apparent behaviors such as sending out slanderous emails or exaggerating someone's behavior and reporting it to HR. The more underhanded behaviors include withholding information that could be useful to a colleague's success on a project, derailing someone's good idea or taking credit for the good idea while making the originator look inadequate.

Often women who stand out as star performers unwittingly become the brunt of sabotage. They hog the limelight and generate jealousy by not including or acknowledging other's contributions. Superstars need to understand that their colleagues can choose to assist or hinder their efforts. They need to create collaborative relationships to successfully achieve their goals. Sometimes this can be as simple as asking another women for her help. The sabotage might stop.

 

Irene: Do women treat each other any worse as colleagues in the workplace or is that a myth?

First, let me say that I believe cattiness and backstabbing behaviors are on the wane as women become more confident in themselves and their accomplishments. The more a woman rises in her field and experiences success, the more she is likely to mentor and provide opportunities for other women. Sabotaging other women only keeps the saboteur in her place.

The workplace culture breeds or squelches this behavior. Managers who use fear and favoritism to motivate people perpetuate bad behavior. Because women are generally given fewer opportunities for promotion and recognition, they resort to putting other women down to feel more secure.

Women tend to coalesce into tribes. High-achievers, if they aren't loners, will hang out with other high-achievers. The same goes for poor or average performers. Then women might "clique-up" by other means including lifestyle, cultural differences, physical appeal, or even by similar life problems. They may not bad-mouth those outside of the tribe, but exclusion hurts nonetheless.

Yes, many women AND MEN gossip, criticize and even bully their colleagues. However, if a woman is a bully at work, she is probably a bully elsewhere in her life.

 

Irene: Do you have any thought about a single female friendship that was most significant in determining the person that you are?

Marcia: I have a wonderful community of support around the world. I am grateful every day for authors, speakers and coaches I know that keep me learning and loving every day. Yet when I think of the ONE most significant friend I have had, the woman who was my cellmate in jail 35 years ago comes to mind. I call her my "unexpected angel." We had completely different upbringing and completely different circumstances to face when released. However, she is the person I credit for helping me see that I am more than what I have done in the past or what I can accomplish in the future.

I had fallen onto a dark path as a drug user as a young adult. When I ended up in jail, I not only felt lost, I felt like a failure. Vicky helped me see that who I am-a smart, funny, creative, generous, and caring person-was still intact. When I claimed who I was on the inside, I could accomplish anything I wanted on the outside.

This was a significant turning point. I had been brought up believing my accomplishments were most important. I had to get straight A's, be good at sports, entertain at parties and outshine my peers whenever I could. When I stumbled at being a superstar in high school, I felt confused, even angry. When I had no external validation, my internal support system failed me.

Don't get me wrong-I still felt I needed to be the best. That is why I wound up in jail as the best drug user in my group. I have no regrets. I have a greater understanding about life than all three of my advanced degrees I earned since then have provided me. And I have a depth of compassion that serves me well in my work. Most importantly, I met Vicky. Then I met myself.

You never know who will be your unexpected angel. Look for her in the eyes of every woman you meet. I believe that this is how our bonds will change the world.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

How many times have you felt that there simply aren't enough hours in the day? Or perhaps, thought you really would like to spend more time with girlfriends but don't have the time?

 

If feelings like these haunt you, you'll want to read Laura Vanderkam's inspiring new book, 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think (Portfolio, 2010). Based on interviews with happy and successful people who have mastered the art, Laura provides practical tips to manage the ample time you have so your life and your relationships are more satisfying and efficient. I was delighted to interview Laura about the book and its relevance to female friendships.

 

Irene: Why do you think so many people feel time-challenged, never having enough time to do the things they want to do?

Laura: We live in a distracted world. If something is important to you, you simply have to put it in your schedule first. But if you schedule time at work to think about your career, and where you'll be in five years, you'll be far more likely to reach your goals. Your email will still be there in 45 minutes, so go for a run now. Television is fine in small doses, but many people don't take it in small doses. Instead of watching 2 hours after the kids go to bed, trade off with your spouse and spend an evening catching up with a friend you haven't seen in ages. This takes a lot of self-discipline, but has a big payoff in terms of happiness.

 

Irene: What are some of the worst time-wasters?

Laura: People always mention things like Facebook and Twitter, but these tend to waste minutes. A meeting you didn't need to attend, or a business trip you didn't need to take can easily waste hours or days. More broadly, if your job isn't getting you toward where you want to be in life, you're wasting even more time. Fix the big things first, and then you can tune up the little things.

 

Irene: How does the perceived time crunch affect people's friendships?

Laura: It's an almost universal complaint among working parents: there's just no time for maintaining friendships. Not only do you want to make sure you spend plenty of your non-working hours with your kids, there's the hassle of finding babysitters and making get-togethers work with everyone's schedules. Not all friendships may be worth preserving, but some are. You just have to get creative.

 

Irene: In your book, you talk about making "alignments." Can you give some examples of how you can align your life to have more time for your friends?

Laura: To "align your time" is to build in time for friendships by including friends in your regular activities. I try to meet friends for lunch sometimes - I have to eat anyway, and this is usually a time when I have childcare. Or we have friends who don't have the babysitter problem over for a late dinner. I'd love to find an occasional running partner. I'm a big fan of scheduling playdates with kids whose parents you really like. And over the years, I've actually found it easiest to keep up friendships with people who also sing in my choir, the Young New Yorkers' Chorus. We rehearse every Tuesday night, so it's pretty easy to grab a drink afterwards or socialize during our breaks.

 

Irene: Why did you write 168 Hours?

Laura: A few years ago, when I was a new mom, I kept hearing how hard it was to build a career and a family at the same time, or if you did manage to keep your job while raising your kids, you'd never sleep. I was quite concerned about this, so I set out to write about this time crunch. But then a few things happened. First, I discovered that many of the most successful people I was interviewing didn't feel particularly starved for time. I also found plenty of studies and data sources suggesting that the widespread perception that Americans are overworked and sleep deprived is inaccurate. And finally, when I was honest with myself, I realized that I usually didn't feel too frazzled either. I wrote this book to share this message, which I hope will be inspiring: we can choose how to spend our time, and we have more time than we think.

 

BOOK GIVEAWAY

If you would like to revisit your own "168 hours" and have the chance to win one of the first copies of Laura's book:

• Post a comment below about how you make time for friends by JUNE 2nd. (Plenty of time between now and then :-)

• Be sure to include your email address or send it to me at Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com so I can follow up if you win.

• Put 168 HOURS in the subject line and we'll randomly pick one person to win a copy.

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

When it comes down to it, being comfortable in your own skin is key to making friends and keeping them. With that in mind, Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me: A Guide to Living with Impeccable Grace and Style (DaCapo, 2010) is a practical advice book that touches upon the many aspects of a woman's life that affect self-confidence and friendships: her looks, her home, her work and her other relationships.

 

Author Lucia van der Post is a style columnist for The Times (UK) where she writes "Luxury with Lucia" and "Ask Lucia," specializing in interior design, luxury good and travel. A mother of two and godparent to Prince William, she has massed encyclopedic information on the practical aspects of living with style and grace--- such as how to dress, how to organize a dinner party, and how-to pick the perfect present. Unlike most self-help or advice books, this one focuses on the concrete rather than the abstract, complete with names of products for a range of budgets, and telephone numbers and website addresses.

 

Closest to my heart, of course, is the section of the book where van der Post offers her seasoned perspective on the importance of friendship: "When you see the banana skins that lie await in life-the love affairs and marriages that go wrong, the illnesses that hit most of us at some time or another, and all the other more minor tragedies that make up life's tapestries-it is friends and lovers who see you through."

 

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons. 

Rachel Bertsche left her oldest and dearest friends behind when she moved to Chicago for love. Now that she's settled in the Midwest, she's on the hunt for a new best friend. She says if there were no such thing as online predators, she'd post a want ad on Craigslist: "MWF Seeking BFF: Must live in Chicago. Must not bring her dog to lunch dates. Fluency in Entertainment Weekly preferred but not required." Instead, she's doing it the old-fashioned way-getting out there and introducing herself to one potential Bestie at a time. Her blog, www.mwfseekingbff.com, chronicles her quest. MWF Seeking BFF, the book, will be out in early 2012.

 

(Rachel is the woman in the middle of the picture with her high school friends.) Thanks, Rachel, for contributing the guest post below. We can't wait to read your book!

 

For as long as I can remember, I've surrounded myself with best friends. In fifth grade, there were seven of us. We called ourselves LYLAS (Love Ya Like A Sister). We wrote on each other's binders and sang obnoxiously loud to En Vogue's "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" during recess. Senior year of high school, I shared a yearbook page with my four closest friends. Nine years later we took a "Senior page!" picture at my wedding. By the first quarter of my sophomore year of college, I could have told you whom I'd live with when we were seniors. When that time came and we all moved into a house together, people started referring to us by our address. "Is 1113 coming?"

 

Despite this, or perhaps because of it, whenever a change is on the horizon the fear of feeling friendless is my foremost concern. The night before I left for college, I tiptoed into my parents' bedroom, as surprised as they were by the tears I couldn't get under control. I'd been eager to head off to school since I was 16-it'll be like summer camp!-and suddenly the idea of not finding the perfect group had me inconsolable. I found dear friends, of course, as we all do that first year on campus. There's nothing like dishing about mid-terms, frat parties, finances and drama-filled romances (I thought we were a couple! Turns out we were friends with benefits!) to forge lifelong friendships.

 

So when my boyfriend and I moved to Chicago to end the long-distance aspect of our relationship (he'd been in law school in Philly, I was working in New York), the fact that I didn't have Besties in the Windy City wasn't lost on me. Almost all my close friends, including two lifelong BFFs, were in New York. But by 25, I'd had enough experience meeting new people that I'd figured a new set of best friends would emerge naturally. Besides, after three years away from Matt, all I cared about was that we were in the same zip code. I'd deal with the friends part later.

 

Almost three years later, it's, well, later. Matt and I are married. We have great jobs, an apartment I'll never take for granted after living in an East Village six-story walkup, and close family blocks away. We've set up a life as close to perfect as I could have imagined when we concocted this plan, except one thing. I never did deal with the friends part.

 

As it turns out, the post-college, pre-baby phase is the exact wrong time to make new BFFs. The workplace may be a relationship breeding ground, but after spending five long days together, the weekends seem to be reserved for those you can't eat lunch with at the office cafeteria. The friends I'm looking for are of the grab-Sunday-brunch-at-the-last-minute variety. Women I'll call to say, "Do you have an outfit I can borrow for tonight?" or "Want to grab a drink?" or "I'm in your neighborhood, can I come up?" I want someone to sit and analyze every potential purchase, awkward run-in, and celebrity debacle that took place that week. I've met plenty of women I could email to set up dinner in a month, but if Matt has to work late on short notice, I've got no one to invite over to watch Glee.

 

Lifelong friends can't be replaced, and no matter who I find (or don't find) in Chicago, my closest friends will always be my closest friends. But BFFs can be supplemented, because no matter how great a heart-to-heart over the phone is, there's something much less isolating about bonding face to face.

 

I've accepted that college is over and BFF bonds are no longer formed over dorm room fries or Wednesday night study groups. If I want a local best friend, I'm going to have to go find one. As with the hunt for anything that's lost, my search starts now, with a single question: If I were my BFF, where would I be?

 

Any suggestions for Rachel? Feel free to post them below!

Dear Cousin Sel,

It was so much fun chatting with your fourth-Thursday-of the-month book group over the squawk box last week. Every author is thrilled to be invited to talk to a book group even though we realize it's never just about our book. It's also an excuse for busy women to get together, relax, nosh, sip and befriend---and, as importantly, to think about an issue or idea collectively that might not have occurred to any one individual in the group if she hadn't been obliged to read a book that took her on that journey.

That your group has now been meeting for almost 15 years is impressive. You've seen each other through different phases of the life cycle including childrearing, adjusting to empty nests, becoming grandparents, and facing illness, divorce and death. The incredible bond of friendship you've forged over time is evident, even over the phone. Like sisters, you interrupt and finish each other's sentences and feel comfortable enough to challenge one another and disagree. The conversation, laughter, and questions flow fast and easy.

Although we started off with the standard greeting, "Can everyone hear me?" and you all chimed in "Yes," I knew that I could endear myself to your kindred spirits in Hollywood, Florida if I recounted a few details of the impressive snowstorm that promised to reach blizzard proportions here in New York later that day. Floridians (and Californians) always like to gloat about the misery they left behind and your group didn't disappoint me. (Next time we "chat." I hope we'll be videoconferencing on Skype so I can see them laughing at our dire winter weather forecasts)

Conference calls to reading groups always feel somewhat daunting to me. Give and take is never the same as it is in person and I can't see the facial expressions and body language that typically warn me that I'm talking too much and should move on to questions and answers, or should just move on. I tried to be sensitive, asking whether I should skip reading one of the three passages I had selected from my book---but your group seem so genuinely interested and encouraging that I continued.

I must admit, though, that before long I felt like I was sitting beside you at the sunny dining room table in Broward County-with the sliding glass door leading to the covered porch. Your group was so warm and welcoming to an outsider. Perhaps, it's because you introduced me as "My cousin, the author," although we aren't actually blood relatives but cousins through marriage.

I was delighted to tell real readers (rather than editors and other writers) my own story---about why and how I became an author---and why I chose to write a non-fiction book about female friendship. Like most women, from the time I was a very young girl, I was innately curious about friendship and how mine stacked up to other women's experiences.

The best part for me, however, was hearing about your own friendships---including the ones you had with your own mothers and daughters, the joys and challenges you experienced, and the lessons you learned. You spoke about how the Internet has enabled you to reach back into your past and connect with childhood friends from your schools or neighborhood who knew you then, before you became the person you are now. Many of you stressed how important it is for women to maintain friendships over the years because they form the scrapbooks of our lives.

I want you and your group to know that each time an author speaks to a book group, she receives so much more than she gives. Yes, it's hard to sell books these days and you rounded up a captive audience of book buyers. But reading groups offer other, more intangible opportunities for authors: to learn from our readers and to hone our craft so our writing is better. Foremost, they reaffirm why books and the relationships between authors and readers are so important.

The funny part, Selma, was that after I hung up the phone, I was a bit envious of your book club buddies' relationship with someone as special as you. Next time you invite me to speak to your group, I've decided I want to be there live so I can spend some girl-time with you before or after. I imagine there are book groups around my hamlet in Westchester that could offer the same sense of sisterhood and support your group gives you, but I guess I'll have to wait until the power is back on and the large snow banks have melted to look around and find one.

Love,
Cousin Irene

Although it's sometimes hard to accept, life never evolves like a fairy tale. Journalist and author Irene Zutell's latest novel, Pieces of Happily Ever After (St. Martin's Griffin, 2009), sensitively captures the inevitable struggles that women encounter along the way, including: infidelity, divorce, balancing care for children and parents, juggling work and family, growing up, achieving independence, losing friends and making them.

 

You'll meet protagonist Alice Hirsch, a PR guru, who is married to Alex, an entertainment lawyer. They have a precocious five-year-old daughter and Alice is the primary caregiver for her mom, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When Alice's husband suddenly dumps her, very publicly, for a Hollywood starlet, she has to find a way to dig herself out of her problems and repair her damaged self-esteem. With the support of her "mommy friends," a cast of equally interesting and well-developed characters, Alice is not only rescued but finds she is able to define her own "happily ever after."

 

Set in California's San Fernando Valley, this story could well take place in any middle-class suburb. This particular backdrop provides a vehicle for the author to weave comic relief and celebrity culture into a thoroughly engaging and entertaining storyline. The well-paced plot offers a perfect blend of familiarity and surprise to grip the reader's attention from beginning to end.

 

Of course, I loved some of the lessons the book offers about mommy friendships---e.g. That woman need to actively forge new friendships as our lives change; that office friends can turn out to be nothing more than that; that we need to guard against judging friends too critically before we know them; and that adversity often helps us recognize our true friends. While friends and lovers play prominent roles in the book, its layered depiction of mother-daughter relationships is especially compelling.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I stumbled across your blog, and I think it's so helpful and needed in a society that seems to place greater value on romantic relationships than friendships.

I'm in my late 20's, and the older I get, the harder I've found it to keep deep, meaningful female friendships. We're growing in different directions, moving to different states, pairing off romantically, etc. I have three very close female friendships that I treasure but they aren't connected; they are friends from different sectors of my life. So I feel like I'm lacking a "friend group." I also feel as though I don't have enough deep friendships, in general.

It bothers me that most people my age seem to have a "group." I've been in friend groups before in my life, but I find that in friend groups, I can't connect as deeply to each friend. So I prefer one on one time. I know this sounds like a sort of hard question to answer, but what's the average number of close female friendships that women my age have? Or any thoughts you have on how friendships change as you get older.

Thanks very much,
Jane

ANSWER

Dear Jane:

What a great letter! You raised so many thought-provoking questions. A few ideas:

Some women have the good fortune of having groups of friends who have a shared history—based on where they were, where they lived, or what they did together.

There have been a spate of books lately---Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope, The Wednesday Sisters by Meg Waite Clayton, and more recently, The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow---that make women feel like they’re missing out on something big if they don’t belong to a friendship circle. In fact, when I interviewed Mr. Zaslow, he said that he had two types of readers: those who had a circle similar to The Girls from Ames and those that wish they did!

When I read that literary trilogy on sisterhoods, I have to admit I was envious because, like you, I’m in the latter category. I have close friends but my friends aren't friends with each other. They come from different ages and stages of my life that don’t intersect.

While it isn’t impossible to forge a sisterhood later in life, it’s generally easier to do it as a teenager or young adult because you’re likely to have more time and to be thrown together in similar circumstances—whether it’s a team, sorority, or neighborhood. As we marry or divorce, move, or graduate and our lives diverge, it becomes tougher to sustain circles of friends.

Keep in mind: Even in a circle of friends, there are usually twosomes (dyads or pairs) who seem to have more in common, either temperamentally or situationally. Thus, each woman doesn’t have precisely the same relationship with each member in the circle. Zaslow figured out that there was a possibility of 99 different pairs in the 11 Girls from Ames.

 

People generally have far more acquaintances than they do close friends so it isn’t surprising that deep and meaningful friendships are the most coveted and difficult to achieve. Just like a romance, most women say that at their start, there is a certain essential chemistry that provides the foundation for best friendships. Then, as two women feel increasingly comfortable together, they are able to become more intimate and reveal their true selves to one another.

While there is wide variability, based on the data from my friendship survey, most women have between two and five very close or best friends (there's a section in my forthcoming book that looks at the numbers). What’s more important than quantity, however, is quality and whether or not you feel like you have enough of the right type of friends for you. If you feel like something’s missing, perhaps it is.

I will be returning to this topic again in another blog post but would love to hear from others about the topic of friendship circles and sisterhoods (when you’re on the inside) and cliques (when you are on the outside).

Best,
Irene