book club

It was so much fun chatting with your fourth-Thursday-of the-month book group over the squawk box last week. Every author is thrilled to be invited to talk to a book group even though we realize it's never just about our book. It's also an excuse for busy women to get together, relax, nosh, sip and befriend---and, as importantly, to think about an issue or idea collectively that might not have occurred to any one individual in the group if she hadn't been obliged to read a book that took her on that journey.

That your group has now been meeting for almost 15 years is impressive. You've seen each other through different phases of the life cycle including childrearing, adjusting to empty nests, becoming grandparents, and facing illness, divorce and death. The incredible bond of friendship you've forged over time is evident, even over the phone. Like sisters, you interrupt and finish each other's sentences and feel comfortable enough to challenge one another and disagree. The conversation, laughter, and questions flow fast and easy.

Although we started off with the standard greeting, "Can everyone hear me?" and you all chimed in "Yes," I knew that I could endear myself to your kindred spirits in Hollywood, Florida if I recounted a few details of the impressive snowstorm that promised to reach blizzard proportions here in New York later that day. Floridians (and Californians) always like to gloat about the misery they left behind and your group didn't disappoint me. (Next time we "chat." I hope we'll be videoconferencing on Skype so I can see them laughing at our dire winter weather forecasts)

Conference calls to reading groups always feel somewhat daunting to me. Give and take is never the same as it is in person and I can't see the facial expressions and body language that typically warn me that I'm talking too much and should move on to questions and answers, or should just move on. I tried to be sensitive, asking whether I should skip reading one of the three passages I had selected from my book---but your group seem so genuinely interested and encouraging that I continued.

I must admit, though, that before long I felt like I was sitting beside you at the sunny dining room table in Broward County-with the sliding glass door leading to the covered porch. Your group was so warm and welcoming to an outsider. Perhaps, it's because you introduced me as "My cousin, the author," although we aren't actually blood relatives but cousins through marriage.

I was delighted to tell real readers (rather than editors and other writers) my own story---about why and how I became an author---and why I chose to write a non-fiction book about female friendship. Like most women, from the time I was a very young girl, I was innately curious about friendship and how mine stacked up to other women's experiences.

The best part for me, however, was hearing about your own friendships---including the ones you had with your own mothers and daughters, the joys and challenges you experienced, and the lessons you learned. You spoke about how the Internet has enabled you to reach back into your past and connect with childhood friends from your schools or neighborhood who knew you then, before you became the person you are now. Many of you stressed how important it is for women to maintain friendships over the years because they form the scrapbooks of our lives.

I want you and your group to know that each time an author speaks to a book group, she receives so much more than she gives. Yes, it's hard to sell books these days and you rounded up a captive audience of book buyers. But reading groups offer other, more intangible opportunities for authors: to learn from our readers and to hone our craft so our writing is better. Foremost, they reaffirm why books and the relationships between authors and readers are so important.

The funny part, Selma, was that after I hung up the phone, I was a bit envious of your book club buddies' relationship with someone as special as you. Next time you invite me to speak to your group, I've decided I want to be there live so I can spend some girl-time with you before or after. I imagine there are book groups around my hamlet in Westchester that could offer the same sense of sisterhood and support your group gives you, but I guess I'll have to wait until the power is back on and the large snow banks have melted to look around and find one.

Love,
Cousin Irene

Dear Dr. Levine,

I'm a mom of two girls, ages five and nine. I met another mom at the playground in May and we hit it off quite well, though my 5-year-old was a little slow to warm up to her 5-year-old. Since she and her family had just moved, she had not yet made friends in the area. We had similar interests so we kept up the friendship. She began to depend on me for her social life. Because I felt badly for her, I introduced her to friends and later found out that she'd been asking some with similarly aged kids for their phone numbers so they could get together for playdates.

I had invited her to join a newly-formed book group that I started and introduced her to my other friends there. Again, she started calling these friends for playdates without including my 5-year-old or me. Tonight, she carpooled to the book group with another friend of mine without even asking me. I felt so uncomfortable in the group that I started!

I don't know what to do or how to process this. She volunteers weekly in her daughter's kindergarten classroom yet she makes no attempts to cultivate friendships for her daughter with her classmates. I understand that she wants to connect with others and she admits that she doesn't have the best social skills, but at the same time I am feeling so uncomfortable with her dipping into my and my daughter's friend pool without trying to branch out on her own.

Everywhere I turn, she's making playdates left and right with my friends, granted some are not as close as others. We live in a small town but it can be just as hard for me to make friends around here. I am not a hugely social person by any stretch of the imagination and my first instinct is to pull away from these friends and her. I feel so upset. Do I talk to her about it? Is it likely she'll even understand? Do I just try to let it go?

Signed,
Friend-Poached

ANSWER

Hi Friend-Poached,

The etiquette governing female friendships is pretty murky. That's because the rules aren't really spelled out anywhere leaving a lot of room for interpretation and confusion (In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I try to provide a roadmap to help women negotiate these complex relationships.)

In your situation, you were very gracious in welcoming this woman to the neighborhood and in introducing her to your friends and their children, and then by inviting her to your book group. In return, you were poached, not once, but repeatedly.

It's understandable that your new friend wanted to make friends, and she may have felt some special connection with one of your friends but she did this repeatedly. She may have justified it to herself by saying that she was doing it for her daughter. But this pattern of poaching multiple friends suggests that you are dealing with someone who is narcissistic, insensitive, and disloyal. I can imagine how hurt and disappointed you must feel.

These are my suggestions:

* Tell this woman how hurt you felt about the carpooling incident. This situation is, perhaps, the clearest example of her transgressions and it may cause her to back off a bit. Maybe she wasn't aware of what she was doing.

* Don't introduce her to any other friends or acquaintances unless she apologizes and changes.

* Back off from spending time with her one-on-one too. The odds of you ever having a healthy friendship with her are slim.

* Don't pull away from your other friends. They haven't betrayed you in the way she did and my suspicion is that they will tire of her soon.

* Lastly, you may want to think about whether you were too welcoming too soon. Maybe you should have gotten to know her better before you involved her in various realms of your life.

I hope this helps you deal with this messy situation. Remember, she is the one who should feel awkward, not you. I've written about the topic of friend-poaching before but that post is focused on describing the occasional phenomenon rather than dealing with someone who Is a persistent poacher. Thanks for giving other readers and me the opportunity to think about this.

Best,
Irene