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Every mother knows how tough middle school friendships can be for young women. Dara Chadwick is a freelance journalist and writer who spent a year chronicling her Weight Loss Diary for Shape Magazine. That experience and her interviews and discussions with her readers led her to reflect on the effect that mothers have on their teen and tween daughters' body image and sense of self. She wrote You'd Be So Pretty If (Da Capo Lifelong, 2009) to help shape her daughter's "future relationship with her body" and that of other young women.

 

An entire chapter (Chapter 7) of this engaging book is focused on "Mean Girls and Frenemies." Since middle school can create many friendship challenges for young girls who are becoming women, I was delighted to talk to Dara about some of her findings.

 

Q. Why do young women focus conversation and gossip on each other's body size and shape?

 

In middle-school, especially, I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Everybody's body is changing, and they're all changing according to their own timetable. Some young adolescents look like grown women, while others still look like little girls. At this age, it's natural to worry and fret and wonder if you're normal. Gossiping is a way to find out.

 

Another characteristic of young adolescence is to not want to be different - to not want to stand out - from your peers in any way. Girls seek reassurance that they're OK and that they're just like everybody else. Finally, for some girls who are truly insecure, gossiping and "body bullying" is a way to assert power and dominance - to secure your place in the pack, so to speak.

 

Q. How do moms and the media contribute to this problem?

 

The media floods girls with enhanced and digitized images of models and of their favorite celebrities. Naturally, these images can cause girls to think that they can and should look like these enhanced images do. It's so important for moms to help girls realize that these images aren't real. In my book, I talk about teaching girls to look at media images the same way they'd look at art in a museum.

 

Sure, an image may be beautiful, but it's just a representation of one photographer or one magazine's idea of what beauty looks like. It's not a real goal that girls can attain with enough effort or self-control. It's also helpful for girls to see the level of re-touching that goes on in magazines. The Dove films at Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty are a great conversation-starter about what's real and what isn't.

 

Q. How can moms help build resilience among their daughters who will face these challenges?

 

It starts with being accepting of and kind to your own body. There's no denying the importance of friends in a young tween or teen's life - peers are a huge influence. But moms shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that they're no longer important. Our daughters are watching us and listening to the things we say about ourselves.

 

The thing that most surprised me in talking to the girls I interviewed for my book was how beautiful they think their moms are. Now, imagine how she feels when she thinks you're beautiful, but you do nothing but put yourself down. Not only is it hurtful, it's also teaching her not to trust her own feelings about what beauty is. Speaking kindly about your own body and treating it well with healthy eating and exercise also gives her permission to do the same for herself. From you, she can learn that it's OK for a woman to like her body. I think it's important to watch the way you talk about other women and girls, too. Snarky comments, criticisms or even compliments based purely on appearance or weight loss send a message to girls.

 

Q. What were some of our own memories of adolescence that you brought to the book?

 

Eighth grade was hands down the worst year of my adolescent life. My daughter is in eighth grade now and it's been fascinating to watch how her experience is unfolding. For me, I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I've always had curves and muscles, but I so wanted to be like my friends who had more boyish frames. In retrospect, my discomfort with myself often came across to others as aloofness, and I struggled with that at times.

 

By high school, I'd lost quite a bit of weight and found my niche on the cheerleading squad. But the weight loss didn't bring the body confidence I thought it would. I remember once that on career day, a representative from a modeling agency came in and spoke. There was a girl in my class who was quite tall and very pretty. The representative asked her to walk across the room, which she did with absolute grace and confidence. The representative then asked, in a totally smarmy voice, "Are there any cheerleaders in this room?" All heads turned to me immediately and she asked me to get up and walk across the room, too. I knew I was being made fun of and I remember it as being one of the most uncomfortable body image moments of my life. The outward appearance of cute little cheerleader didn't match the inner feelings. I try to remember that disconnect when I'm talking with adolescent girls.

 

Q. Under what circumstances should moms intervene in an obviously toxic teen friendship?

 

If your daughter is being teased, excluded or "toyed with" for lack of a better term, I think it's important to help her see that the behavior is really about the "friends" who are treating her this way and not about her. One of the best things you can do is help her develop multiple friendship groups so she can see that with her own eyes. If school friends are behaving badly, having other friends at dance class or at basketball who like her and treat her well helps her make that connection.

 

It can also be helpful to talk with her about what might be behind their behavior (for example, are they jealous? Not feeling good about themselves?), but only if it's something she's interested in talking about. Mostly, moms can help by being a sounding board if she needs to talk, by supporting her efforts to develop healthy friendships and by sharing stories of their own adolescences - if she wants to hear them, of course.

Have a friendship question? Ask the Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

You may not be able to picture yourself in a relationship like that of Wendy and her college friend Daphne but in the larger-than-life caricatures of two quintessential New Yorkers, novelist Lucinda Rosenfeld captures the essence of many close female friendships.

 

Daphne Uberoff is stunningly beautiful and has all the trappings of material success; Wendy Murman is a struggling magazine writer, with fertility problems and a slacker husband. As the gap between the two women widens, the jealousy and envy that Wendy harbors grows so extreme that it becomes corrosive.

 

I'm So Happy For You (Back Bay Books, 2009) portrays a less than perfect relationship between best friends that falls short of the romanticized notion we usually read about in novels. As often happens in real life, the huge fissures in this friendship are varnished over with the protective glue of shared history and experiences; the predictability of personalities (despite their peccadilloes); and with having friends and acquaintances in common. In such circumstances, no matter how bad or disappointing a relationship becomes, it's hard to let go.

 

In this breezy, light-hearted and engaging read, Rosenfeld aptly drives home the point that when it comes to best friends, these relationships aren't always as they appear to be.

 

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

The role of being a stepparent can be challenging. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.

 

Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent?

It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly with a birth parent a little easier for everyone.

If there is animosity, however, or potential for one parent to be manipulating another then it is a slippery slope. Being "friends" and being "friendly" are quite different. Friends also have the potential to get in arguments more than those who are simply friendly to one another. The problem with arguing with a friend about something unrelated to your stepparenting role is that it will probably take a toll on your relationship as parent/stepparent, and that is a relationship you really need to protect for the sake of the child. So, you might want to keep it "friendly", and not become BFFs until the child is old enough to be out of the house and on his or her own!

 

Can a stepparent be a friend with and adolescent or adult child?

Adult, potentially - If you became the stepparent to child who is already a mature adult, you may be more of a friend figure anyway. You are not going to be disciplining your stepchild, or making major life decisions for her so having more of a friendship won't confuse the adult stepchild.

It could still get hairy, however, if you have an argument with your stepchild since you can't really cut ties if necessary. Your stepchild will be your stepchild whether or not you are friends. You don't want an argument that could potentially disrupt your family unit in anyway, so you would still have to proceed in friendship with that in mind.

As far as boundaries go, telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets is out the window - unless you don't mind your spouse finding out and your stepchild doesn't mind risking her parent finding out! Keep in mind, your friend might be interested in intimate details about your relationship with your partner - your stepchild probably isn't!! As far as a friendship, proceed with caution and be aware of the dangers and boundaries.

Friends with your adolescent stepchild? No way. You are a parental figure. Adolescents need guidance and to know that they are safe when in your care. They don't need adult friendships from stepparents; they need strong supportive adults!

 

What are some of the landmines a stepparent faces with her stepchild's friends' parents who were friends of the birth mother?

The possibilities are daunting: She may have aired all your dirty laundry and then some to the other parents. The other parents might want to be gossipy and get you talking about the birth mother. The other parents may have chosen "a side" without even hearing your side.

The best thing to do in this situation is remain courteous, don't bad mouth the birth mother, and appreciate that these folks have a history with her, and to them you are "new" or "an outsider". Keep in mind, this is probably less about them not liking you and more about them feeling loyalty to the birth mother. If you act respectfully people will form their own opinions (it may take a LONG time) and eventually realize that you are just fine!

 

Any other thoughts about friendship and stepparenting, Erin?

Friendship is tough, at times, no matter how great the friendship. People go through different stages in life that can really throw a wrench into a friendship. I have always been friendly with my stepson's birth mother - not friends - but I would say we have grown a bit closer since I had my own son, and my stepson is away at college. We recently took pictures of my son and her daughter (my stepson's half siblings) together in their Halloween costumes as a surprise for him. So although we won't be hanging out with one another or chatting on the phone, we love my stepson enough to put our differences aside to assure that he feels that he has a loving family to come home to no matter which house he stays in!

 

Erin Munroe is a licensed mental health counselor, school adjustment counselor, school guidance counselor, and proud stepmother of her nineteen-year-old stepson. She lives in Braintree, Massachusetts and completed her MA in behavioral medicine and mental health counseling from Boston University School of Medicine. She currently works for the Boston Public Schools and holds a part-time position at a confidential teen-clinic, where she provides counseling to at-risk adolescents.

 

* DISCLOSURE: The Friendship Doctor (me) served as a technical reviewer for Erin's book, which I thought was extremely practical and thorough!

Megan McMorris is a Portland-based freelance writer who is the editor of a new anthology, P.S. What I Didn't Say: Unsent Letters to Our Female Friends (Seal Press). I had the opportunity to read a review copy of this clever book, which I enjoyed immensely. Each of its chapters takes the form of a letter to a friend, contributed by a talented group of female writers. I was delighted to pose some questions to Megan about her own friendships and to learn more about the back story of the book.

 

Megan, what inspired you to put this book together?

The book came together from a combination of things that were going on in my life. I had a friendship fallout with someone I felt was constantly belittling me in a subtle way (you know what I mean, right? It would definitely fit into the category of "toxic friendships" that you talk about in YOUR book!) and it made me think about why women put up with so much from their friends sometimes-and it made me really treasure those who I know are my true friends. So I thought, what a great idea to have a book about female friendships, but in a letter format. Kinda that "letter you always wanted to send" to your friend (or frenemy) that you've had percolating in your mind down to the last sentence but have never actually hit the "send" button (or sealed the envelope) on!

 

What are your thoughts about why women hold back in expressing their real feelings about their friends?

That's an interesting question. I notice that with my guy friends, they will say things to each other that women would NEVER say to each other. (Or, if they do, it causes a rift that can sometimes never be repaired.) That's why I enjoy having guy friends too-for example, my friend Pete used to have these incredibly (in my mind) dorky glasses and I was just about to suggest to the guy that we go eyeglass shopping together (he literally got Lasics not one week after I was about to suggest it so the point was moot, but I still tell him "thank God you got rid of those things, dude!") Would I ever suggest that to a female friend? Probably not, because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings (or have her resent me). That said, I do try to be as honest as I can with my female friends, but there's just a little more subtle nature to it. So to answer your question, I just think in general (obviously I'm grossly generalizing) guys are used to being more direct and women can tiptoe around issues. But heck, I'm not a professional like you are, I would love to hear YOUR take on just this topic! ☺

 

When you solicited letters from writers, what was the response like?

The response was really illuminating, actually! I had so many of the writers tell me "Oh my God, I've always wanted to tell my friend X" and it's like they'd always carried around this "unsent letter" (or e-mail) in their head. It was surprising to me, and it really created a community feel between myself and the 35 contributors. I heard from a lot of contributors that it was therapeutic to get it down in writing too, and some have even sent their letter to the friend. (Stay tuned for podcasts on my website where I'll be interviewing contributors about their letters!)

 

Why did you select the story about Diane as your contribution to the book---someone with whom you never became BFFs?

You know, when I first read that question, I was thinking "But wait, Diane IS one my best friends!" But no, you're right, in fact in my childhood, Andy was my twin-in-crime (we looked a lot alike, and we'd even plan out what we'd wear sometimes to Junior High, Esprit sweatshirts and Calvin Klein jeans down to our topsider shoes, ha ha!). Diane was always one of the group, but had another "best friend". And while I'm still very much just as close with Andy (and our other friend from growing up, Heather), there was something about Diane that made for such an interesting story, because it's a story about our friendship growing over time-literally from kindergarten through nearing 40, I feel closer to her now than I ever have. I could have filled a book with the fantastic friendships I have (including Andy, Heather and Anne Marie my best bud from college) but I just thought Diane and my story made for a more interesting letter for the purposes of this book.

 

In editing the book, what did you learn about female friendships?

That I'm not alone-I felt like I could relate with nearly each letter in some way. I've had the gamut of tried-and-true friendships that have spanned over 30 years, to situational friends who fade over time, to unfortunately those who really aren't looking out for your best interests (those are the sneaky ones, which your book will really help readers decipher and deal with!).

 

Megan is also the editor of Cat Women: Female Writers on Our Feline Friends and Woman's Best Friend: Women Writers on the Dogs in Our Lives (both books also published by Seal Press). She's written for magazines such as Woman's Day, Real Simple, Every Day With Rachael Ray, SELF, Parents, and many others.

Her websites are www.meganmcmorris.com and her book website is www.psanthology.wordpress.com where you'll find excerpts and a book trailer.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is a series of occasional posts on this blog that focus on books about friendship.  

 

GirlfriendCelebrations

September 17, 2009

 

Do you have a circle of girlfriends, or just wish you did? For many women, having a "circle of friends" is still a dream. Irene Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, explores the "circle" concept and offers her expert advice on how to grow your girlfriend circle. We're honored to have her guest post, written just for GirlfriendCelebrations. Find out how to win a copy of Irene's book below!

By Irene S. Levine, PhD (aka The Friendship Doctor)
The idea of a "circle of friends" isn't new. Beginning in the late 1800s, Amish women formed quilting circles to share expertise and companionship...

Click here to read the entire post.

 

Daylle Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First, has heard a litany of complaints that people make about their friends: Why does she take me for granted? How can he flirt with my girlfriend? Why don’t I get support? Many of them had friends who were consistent downers too, whining about the same problem to whomever would listen.

 

Daylle realized that she---and perhaps, the rest of us---have some of the same tendencies. “I used to be the Queen of Complainers,” says Daylle. “Talking with a friend was often an opportunity to rant about someone or a situation that annoyed me.” In this guest post, Daylle presents some actionable tips for evaluating yourself and changing the status quo.

 

Be objective, how would friends describe you as a friend?

Write it down and see if this is the kind of person that you’d want as a friend. If you don’t like what you see, redefine yourself. I hated the “old me.” That version that thought she had little to offer and was mainly concerned with pleasing others in an unhealthy way. Now I’ve upped my value and see a beautiful, caring, spiritual woman with a loving heart; a smart, creative, intuitive, forever young free spirit living with passion. That’s me! Period. Gone is too fat and not worthy. Accepting my new definition made it true.

Now write down what you’d like in a friend. Do you have all those qualities?

If not, begin to work on YOU! Focus on specific things you like in others and begin to adopt their habits, the way they handle themselves, or the kind of personality you enjoy or whatever else you see as positive qualities. That’s what I did. As I saw what I didn’t like in others, and then saw it in myself, I worked to get rid of those qualities. As I adopted healthier ones that I liked in others, I noticed I met more people who reflected those qualities.

Make an effort to live as the type of person you like to be friends with.

This works for attracting a romantic partner too. The more you develop qualities in yourself that you’d like in someone else, the better the chance of attracting the right person. When I was insecure and desperate for a boyfriend, I attracted insecure guys and also friends who were desperate. I couldn’t change them but I could change me! As I worked to grow into the qualities I wanted in myself, I didn’t pay much attention to the results, until a funny thing happened.

Without thinking, I said to someone how interesting it was that most of my new friends were similar to me in the ways I find most important.

My friends are mainly people who have the same spiritual beliefs as me, who are independent, positive thinkers and who don’t need a man to complete them. I’d become someone with the qualities I wished for in my friends! That’s why I attracted those types into my world.

Think about what you like in a friend. Write it all down. Then be more conscious of developing them in yourself.

When you can say with conviction that you’d like yourself as a friend, you’re on the right track to getting healthier friends. A bonus of that is you’ll like yourself more so your self-esteem and confidence will ramp up greatly too!

 

 

Daylle Schwartz, a fellow member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, is a best-selling author of 10 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill, 2009). She’s been a guest on more than 300 TV and radio shows, including Oprah and Good Morning America, and is frequently quoted in such publications as the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. Daylle also writes the popular blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat, from which this guest post is adapted.

 

You may have noticed that my blog has had a change of name---although not a change of heart. FracturedFriendships has morphed into TheFriendshipBlog!

You can still reach the blog at either URL but with the forthcoming release next month of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I've redesigned some aspects of the site to add information for people interested in reading the book, considering it for their Book Groups, or sponsoring an event.

The official publication date for the book is September 20, which coincides with Women’s Friendship Day (that’s not an accident!). In fact, the whole month of September is Women's Friendship Month. We'll be announcing some exciting giveaways here. So stay tuned and I hope you'll continue to visit or subscribe!

Irene

Marybeth Bond has written 11 women’s travel books, including 50 Best Girlfriend Getaways (National Geographic). I thought she would be the perfect person to answer my questions (and hopefully yours) about how these excursions can recharge both our friendships and our lives.

Marybeth, why are girlfriend getaways so popular? Why are they important for women?

We are better educated and better paid; we like adventure and new experiences; and we enjoy the company of our girlfriends. Women today understand the supportive and healing power of spending time with girlfriends.

Through my travels, I’ve learned that girlfriends are ready to laugh and cry with me, about the good and the bad stuff in my life.  When we travel together, we laugh ‘til our sides ache, sometimes we cry together, and we return home rejuvenated, recharged and stronger.

Why do we get so much out of our gal pal time? Quite simply, our time together is nurturing. We relax in the accepting company of our gal pals.  Going away from our partners is also good for those relationships. We appreciate our significant other more when we have some breathing space.

 

We come back recharged, rejuvenated and recommitted to our careers, our lives, our mates, and our marriages. Often we need to get away to appreciate all that we have.

 

What kinds of destinations work best for such getaways?

Nowadays there’s a girlfriends’ getaway for virtually every interest – from spa, theatre, and farmers’ markets to vintage shopping, river rafting, and winery tours. Fortunately, there’s a range of price points too. When you’re organizing a getaway, start by assessing the budgets of everyone in the group and the amount of time you have.

Deciding these factors will, of course, tell you whether you’re in “save” or “splurge” mode. If you’re on budget, travel on weekdays (Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday are usually the cheapest days for flying, she says); during the off-season; and either visit less touristy destinations or stay outside the city. Another option: renting. You can rent an apartment, even for four days, and it’s cheaper than staying in a hotel. You’ll save money by eating some meals in and there’s a natural place for the group to gather and hang out, which can be hard to find in a hotel.

What are some of the basics before and after?

Before the trip, set some ground rules. You need to communicate about how much you’re going to spend, whether you snore, whether you prefer to have your own room.  

During the trip, make sure you incorporate some “alone” time into every day so that each person has a chance to fully pursue her own interests and everyone gets a break from the group. Also consider putting money in a kitty for expenses so you aren’t nickel and diming each other.

Given all your experience, what makes the perfect girlfriend getaway?

Any place where there is time to talk; a beautiful, remote location that is a reasonable drive from the city, lovely accommodations, perhaps a Spa, great food, wine, a pool, hiking, mountain biking, and of course a peaceful environment that invites relaxation and deep conversation.

I described some of my very favorite getaways in my books, including Paris, San Francisco, New York, Bali, heli-hiking in the Canadian Rockies, hiking at Whistler, and a cultural escape to Quebec.

The perfect getaway offers friends time together without responsibilities.

 

Go to The Gutsy Traveler for more tips and advice, and to read Marybeth's blog. 

If you've been on a girfriends' getaway, feel free to post your comments/experiences.

 

 

 

“There’s just something about getting together with people who have always known you,” remarks Olivia, one of the thirty-something characters in Second Chance by Jane Green (Viking, 2007).

With a storyline that is somewhat reminiscent of the 1983 move, The Big Chill, when a childhood friend (Tom) dies tragically, it sets the stage for four friends to come together at midlife and examine their lives and loves. This novel, by the prolific, New York Times best-selling chick-lit author Green, highlights the role that shared history plays in friendships.

Although their lives have followed very different paths, the four childhood friends reconnect instantaneously. The author describes how that feels for Holly Mac, another of the protagonists: “With friends that feel more like family, not because of …closeness to them now, but because of the strength of a shared history,” writes Green. “They know her mother, she knows theirs. She knows their brothers and sisters, who they were before they adopted the mantle of adulthood…”

The protagonists realize that friendships of our youth remind us not only of our past but also of the person we had always hoped to become. What I enjoyed most was the book’s treatment of weighty issues---like infertility, divorce, betrayal, loneliness, alcoholism, and maintaining one’s sense of self in a marriage---and their bearing on female friendships.

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

I wanted to let my readers know about a unique opportunity for children to contribute to a global book on friendship.

 

An international book project has been launched to portray children’s views on friendship. It was initiated by the Norwegian charity Echo 2012, under the auspices of the Swedish publishing group, Bombadil Publishing. The sponsors state state:

“Inside the word friendship lives many other words; friendship is all about taking care of each other, make each other secure and happy, share, comfort and a lot more. These words we call friendship values. If people lived by the friendship values, Earth would be a good place - and for all of us. Therefore, we will gather children and young people's friendship values from around the world. We will show that there is a great desire for a world in friendship. If the adults think about the friendship values when they decide important things, amazing things can happen.”

Children from 27 countries will join together to write and illustrate to the theme of "What does a friend do?" The book will be translated into 12 languages. Heads of state from the 27 participating countries have also been invited to share their views on friendship.

The proceeds from book sales will help participating charities promote global friendship through understanding and communication, as well as combat illiteracy. Part of the revenue will also be distributed as royalties among the contributing youth authors and artists.

The preliminary release date of the book is September 2009, and will be preceded and succeeded by charity festivals, exhibitions and various friendship and knowledge enhancing activities for young people.Material is being submitted daily and interested schools are invited to participate as well. Drawings not selected for the book will, as far as possible, be shown at the exhibitions and festivals.

 

Do you know a child who would like to draw what a friend does and write a few words about the picture he/she has drawn?

 

It can be a wonderful way to begin a discussion of friends and friendship.For more information regarding submissions, see Echo 2012

 

Need help with registering or uploading photos? Under the Help menu on the Echo 2012 site, you'll find guidance on how to add your own work. You can also send an e-mail to post@echo2012.no for further information.

Source: Press Release from Bombadil Publishing