BFF

By Diane Auer-Jones

 

I read this morning in The New York Times that some schools, teachers, and even summer-camp counselors are working hard to disrupt best friend relationships and, instead, encourage youngsters to be part of big groups. Some schools and camps go so far that they intentionally break up best friends by, for example, assigning them to different classes, different sports teams, or even directly pairing them with another child who is seemingly lonely and without friends of his or her own. Sure, some best-friend relationships may be unhealthy and destructive, and I agree that school officials may need to intervene in those cases. On the other hand, for the most part, I would encourage school officials to get back to the important job of teaching students how to read and write and allow the kids to work through the ups and downs of friendships, while encouraging parents to intervene if a friendship becomes noticeably dangerous.

 

Sure, some friend pairings can turn out to be destructive and elitist, but most aren't. On the other hand, there are plenty of examples of friend groupings-some call them gangs-that aren't such a positive thing either. Maybe, just maybe, we ought to just let kids work through friendships on their own, recognizing that while some children might gravitate toward a best-friend pairing, others may be friend roamers-the kinds of kids who seem to have multiple groups of friends rather than a single BFF.

 

As I read the article, I couldn't help but think about my own best friend and the many ways our friend-pairing has enriched my life since I was five years old. I met my best friend on my first day of school, and while we spent about three months as arch competitors and enemies (or at least to the extent that five-year-olds can be), we soon became best friends. When a school redistricting effort in the early 1970's took us, together, to a new school, our bond was further strengthened by the mile-long walk we shared every morning and every afternoon from our district-border homes to the new, open-space school.

 

I can't imagine my life without Evie. There were sleep-overs almost every weekend, and together, over the years, we learned how to bake, play tennis (sort of), speak French, march in a drill team, sing in a choir, and countless other things. We spent endless hours listening to Elton John and the Bay City Rollers, and while we were separated as she attended Catholic education classes, took horseback riding lessons, and became an accomplished ballerina, and I spent summers at a community pool and boating, we always found our way back to each other as the day came to an end and extracurricular activities melted into mundane things like dinner, household chores, and homework. My life was enriched by her large Italian family, and especially her Aunt Anna who would allow us to have sips of Aste Spumanti and who was intrigued by the blond-haired girl who always sat at their table.

 

Evie's mother was the best cook ever, and was far more interesting than were the women in my own family. Ida Camione had enjoyed-prior to marriage and motherhood-a career as an Italian singer and radio star. Evie's mother smoked cigars after dinner. Evie's parents were much older than mine, and while my father had served in the National Guard during the tumultuous times of the Vietnam War, hers had been honored for his service during World War II.

 

When my family moved away for two years, I was devastated by the loss of my best friend, but we managed to stay connected through letters (no e-mail in those days, and our parents certainly wouldn't pay for long-distance phone calls). My happiest day ever was when we returned to the old neighborhood-this time without my father-to pick up life where we had once left off. During those two years, Evie had made new friends, and even became part of a new best-friend pair, but I was welcomed back and as we made our way through middle school, our friendships grew into a group. Over the years, among that group there were times of new "best friend" pairings, for example, when activities or interests brought two in the group particularly close, or when a boyfriend or part-time job distracted one friend from the other. There was nothing destructive about our friend pairing, and frankly, I don't know if I would have survived the unspeakable pain of life with an alcoholic father and the messiness of my parents' very ugly divorce had my friend, Evie, not been there to make me laugh and remind me that my parents' life was not mine. Evie's parents gave me hope and love and a good dinner when I was despondent.

 

As adults, Evie and I live very different lives and we each have developed an extensive circle of friends exclusive of each other. I have work friends and neighborhood friends and boat friends and couple friends, as does she. But in the ven diagram of life, we have multiple friend groups that overlap from time to time because we-mostly through children's birthday parties-have brought them together for shared celebrations.

 

Our children are a decade apart in age, but still we were there for each other through our asynchronous but equally difficult days of extended pregnancies, new babies, and the typical ups and downs of new and evolving marriages. Although I might be a grandmother by the time her children reach the difficult teenage years, they already know-as does she-that my home is always open to the frustrated teen who needs a break from his or her impossible mother and father, or to the mother or father who needs a calming break from the raging storm of hormonally charged teenagers. Our children adore each other, with mine feeling a strong desire to mentor and guide her children, and hers seeing mine as strong role models (which, I'll admit, was not such a great thing when one of my sons went through his Gothic stage). When my boys were teens, Evie was quick to remind me of all of the stupid/daring/dangerous things we did as teens, and when hers are teens, I'll be there to remind her that this, too, shall pass.

 

Together, Evie and I have been there for each other through good times and bad, and we lament that life prevents us from seeing each other as much as we would like. But when we do get together, time lapses dissolve, our husbands watch us transform into the 16-year-olds we once were, and we laugh about all of the stupid things we have done over the years while toasting to the good fortune we have had in finding a lifelong friend. A best friend is one of life's greatest gifts and I can't imagine my life without mine.

 

In reading today's article, I think about our teachers-Ms. Thiesen, Mr. Rhones , Mr. Robey, Mr. Edgerton, Madam Belfore, Ms. Press, among others-who recognized the strength of the Evie-Diane friendship, and worked to nurture it rather than break it apart based on some untested pop-psychology, school-of-education recommendation. The idea of teacher as "friend coach" is preposterous (it belongs in the annals of bad ideas along with structured play dates) and I dread the day when adults seek to impose their own values and world views upon the sanctity of the most precious right any of us has-which is the right to chose our own friends ... including a very best friend.

 

Diane Auer Jones is president of Washington Campus and former assistant secretary for postsecondary education at the U.S. Department of Education.

 

This post previously appeared in the Chronicle of Higher Education and is reprinted with the author's permission.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am an only child and have a friend named Linda (who is also an only) whom I've known since first grade. She is due to give birth to a baby girl and two months ago asked me to throw her shower for 50 people with the help of her mother and sister-in-law. I felt really honored and threw myself into it, and it was a tremendous success.

 

In her words and mine, I was also the first person she told she was pregnant after her husband (even before her mom!). We spoke just recently and she excitedly detailed the upcoming baby christening she already was planning. In lieu of traditional godparents, she and her husband decided to name his two brothers as godparents, and do something special for me, for another friend, and for her two sister-in-laws during the ceremony. Is it wrong that I feel hurt by this?

 

I truly hoped that I would be a godparent, that I would be family to her when both of us don't have anyone else. Should I say something to her? Especially because this hurt is making me not want to rush the six hours to be at the hospital when she gives birth. Then I think, what does it matter---I'm just a friend. I realize I also might be reflecting my past hurt onto a situation that doesn't merit it -- and thus I've come to you! Please help, Friendship Doctor. What should I do?

Signed,
Beth

 

ANSWER

Dear Beth,

You are so fortunate to have such a close and long-standing friendship. When a woman doesn't have a sister, a best friend often feels like the sister she never had so I'm sure this relationship is as special for you as it is for Linda. You are far more than "just a friend." However, with Linda becoming a mother, it will definitely change the nature of your relationship, even in terms of the sheer time she has available for herself. So I can see how this might make you feel uncertain about what is to come.

 

While it's understandable that you might be disappointed and hurt because you had hoped to be a godparent, you have to understand that your friend and her husband have every right to exercise their own prerogatives and do what they think is best for themselves and their baby. (And although you were very gracious to throw the shower, I'm certain you never expected any payback for doing that.)

 

The fact that Linda told you first, decided to single you out, and wants to honor you during the christening, shows how important you are to her and that she wants you to play a special role in the life of her first child. I'm sure Linda and her husband had to weigh many considerations in making their decision. For example, her husband's family may have had traditions or expectations that you don't know about. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that Linda's decision diminishes your friendship in any way.

 

In many cases, the role of a godparent is somewhat ambiguous and is subject to the people and personalities involved. In no way should this stop you from carving out a special role for yourself. Try to swallow your initial feelings of hurt and be the unofficial godparent you had always hoped to be. Shower the baby with your love and affection and be there for Linda as she adjusts to the challenges of motherhood. Also, you never know what life may bring: Your BFF may have other children and you may have another shot at the brass ring.

 

This friendship seems to be too important to tarnish in any way by saying something now that you'll later regret.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Have a question about friendship? Send it to Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Over the course of my life I've had two or three best friends, relationships that ended for one reason or another. Although I have a good marriage with a wonderful man, I've always felt incomplete without a best friend. Four years ago I bonded with someone who had been an acquaintance for years, and we are BFFs today (we are both 60). We spend every Monday together, from noon till 3AM or later, and share so much. It's like being roommates for that one day, and she has my full attention.

 

Two years into our BFF-hood, my friend showed rapidly worsening symptoms that turned out to be non-remitting (progressive) multiple sclerosis. We have coped with that together and still do so every week. My dilemma is this. Years ago my husband and I used to travel around in an RV and loved it. In a couple of years he will be in a position to take larger chunks of time off again and we want to buy another motor home and travel. Even though this isn't going to happen immediately, I already feel guilt about leaving my BFF for long periods. She has come to depend on me for so many things, not just physical but emotional. I really worry that she will spiral downward when the time comes for me to spend 100% of my time with my husband.

 

BFF has acquaintances but no other close friends. Her family is far-flung and not close, and her MS has caused most people to cultivate an arms-length relationship with her. I don't think this is a common situation but if you have any insights or advice I would be receptive to hearing them. How can I prepare myself and BFF for the changes that are to come? I can't stand the thought of losing another best friend.

Thanks,
Lisa

 

ANSWER

Dear Lisa,

You are anticipating the loss of---or, at minimum, major changes in a very special friendship. Your anxiety is understandable because whatever the circumstances, it's always hard to move on and leave close friends behind. You're also beginning a new phase of your life, one outside of your own comfort zone, which is somewhat akin emotionally to an adolescent leaving the nest.

 

Perhaps, you and your BFF will no longer be Monday "roommates" but there is no reason why you can't still remain friends. You can stay connected through emails and phone calls, and you can schedule face-time together when you come home between your periods of travel. You can even send your BFF picture postcards (remember them?) so she can experience your travels vicariously.

 

Have you already spoken to your BFF about your impending travels? If you haven't, you should openly share your concerns and anxieties with her. I'm sure that she will understand that there are many twists and turns in relationships as our lives change, and you'll both feel better after having the talk.

 

While your BFF won't be able to depend on you in the same way, let her know that you'll be there for her. Perhaps you can also help her line up supports (either in-person or virtual ones) through a local chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society or other community organizations. You're right: Having a chronic illness or disability is challenging and making friends under those circumstances can be difficult. But I suspect others will see the same person whose strengths you have grown to admire.

 

At the same time, begin to think about the adventures you'll have on your trips and all the new friends you'll meet on the road.

Hope these thoughts are helpful.

My best,
Irene

 

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The latest issue of NYU News and Views includes an article about my survey research on female friendship.

 

Women are told from the time they're little girls that best friends are for life, and that one friend-just one-will become their closest confidante, their bosom buddy. But it's not necessarily so, and when a friendship fails, the wound can be deep and slow to heal. "A broken friendship is a taboo subject that women don't usually talk about," explains Irene Levine, PhD, clinical professor of psychiatry. "It's embarrassing and associated with stigma. We don't even have a vocabulary for why friendships fall apart or a roadmap for what happens when they do."

 

With few coping strategies available, Dr. Levine did her own research in the hope of finding valuable insights. She conducted an online qualitative survey, posing open-ended questions to more than 1,500 females, ages 7 to 70. The results astounded her. "Once I guaranteed anonymity," she says, "women really poured out their hearts. Older women described friendships that fell apart 20 years ago, and the pain they still felt was intensely strong."

 

The book spawned by her research, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Overlook Press, 2009), offers advice on a host of topics, including how to recognize signs of trouble, how to detach from a "toxic friend," when to sever ties, and how to face facts and move on. These lessons hit home. "I wish that I had let go of toxic friendships and focused on those that are mutually rewarding earlier in my own life," confides Dr. Levine.

 

Click here to read the rest of the article...

 

 

 

Rachel Bertsche left her oldest and dearest friends behind when she moved to Chicago for love. Now that she's settled in the Midwest, she's on the hunt for a new best friend. She says if there were no such thing as online predators, she'd post a want ad on Craigslist: "MWF Seeking BFF: Must live in Chicago. Must not bring her dog to lunch dates. Fluency in Entertainment Weekly preferred but not required." Instead, she's doing it the old-fashioned way-getting out there and introducing herself to one potential Bestie at a time. Her blog, www.mwfseekingbff.com, chronicles her quest. MWF Seeking BFF, the book, will be out in early 2012.

 

(Rachel is the woman in the middle of the picture with her high school friends.) Thanks, Rachel, for contributing the guest post below. We can't wait to read your book!

 

For as long as I can remember, I've surrounded myself with best friends. In fifth grade, there were seven of us. We called ourselves LYLAS (Love Ya Like A Sister). We wrote on each other's binders and sang obnoxiously loud to En Vogue's "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" during recess. Senior year of high school, I shared a yearbook page with my four closest friends. Nine years later we took a "Senior page!" picture at my wedding. By the first quarter of my sophomore year of college, I could have told you whom I'd live with when we were seniors. When that time came and we all moved into a house together, people started referring to us by our address. "Is 1113 coming?"

 

Despite this, or perhaps because of it, whenever a change is on the horizon the fear of feeling friendless is my foremost concern. The night before I left for college, I tiptoed into my parents' bedroom, as surprised as they were by the tears I couldn't get under control. I'd been eager to head off to school since I was 16-it'll be like summer camp!-and suddenly the idea of not finding the perfect group had me inconsolable. I found dear friends, of course, as we all do that first year on campus. There's nothing like dishing about mid-terms, frat parties, finances and drama-filled romances (I thought we were a couple! Turns out we were friends with benefits!) to forge lifelong friendships.

 

So when my boyfriend and I moved to Chicago to end the long-distance aspect of our relationship (he'd been in law school in Philly, I was working in New York), the fact that I didn't have Besties in the Windy City wasn't lost on me. Almost all my close friends, including two lifelong BFFs, were in New York. But by 25, I'd had enough experience meeting new people that I'd figured a new set of best friends would emerge naturally. Besides, after three years away from Matt, all I cared about was that we were in the same zip code. I'd deal with the friends part later.

 

Almost three years later, it's, well, later. Matt and I are married. We have great jobs, an apartment I'll never take for granted after living in an East Village six-story walkup, and close family blocks away. We've set up a life as close to perfect as I could have imagined when we concocted this plan, except one thing. I never did deal with the friends part.

 

As it turns out, the post-college, pre-baby phase is the exact wrong time to make new BFFs. The workplace may be a relationship breeding ground, but after spending five long days together, the weekends seem to be reserved for those you can't eat lunch with at the office cafeteria. The friends I'm looking for are of the grab-Sunday-brunch-at-the-last-minute variety. Women I'll call to say, "Do you have an outfit I can borrow for tonight?" or "Want to grab a drink?" or "I'm in your neighborhood, can I come up?" I want someone to sit and analyze every potential purchase, awkward run-in, and celebrity debacle that took place that week. I've met plenty of women I could email to set up dinner in a month, but if Matt has to work late on short notice, I've got no one to invite over to watch Glee.

 

Lifelong friends can't be replaced, and no matter who I find (or don't find) in Chicago, my closest friends will always be my closest friends. But BFFs can be supplemented, because no matter how great a heart-to-heart over the phone is, there's something much less isolating about bonding face to face.

 

I've accepted that college is over and BFF bonds are no longer formed over dorm room fries or Wednesday night study groups. If I want a local best friend, I'm going to have to go find one. As with the hunt for anything that's lost, my search starts now, with a single question: If I were my BFF, where would I be?

 

Any suggestions for Rachel? Feel free to post them below!

I don't recall how I tripped over Jessica Kettle Kechian's blog, Cougar Tales, but I'm glad I did. I was smitten by one of her posts on friendship. Jessica was gracious to allow me to reprint it here on The Friendship Blog as a guest post.

P.S. I think it would be nice if every woman had at least one "BIF" like Beth.

 

My BFF
Written by Jessica Kettle Kechian

 

I always believed that when you found a friend you stayed friends forever. Fast forward life 31 years and I've learned how much that is not the case. I have had a ton of friends in my day and a few that made it to the "best" status. Out of all these friends, many have drifted away through our different circumstances of life. Some have become acquaintances. Very few are still dear friends. Only one remained as my best friend forever for almost the entirety that I have known her. She is my BFF. I actually call her just BFF - pronounced "bif".

 

BFF has been my best friend since we were about 6 or 7. She moved in next door after my other friend and his family moved out. I was devastated and couldn't imagine someone better suited for me would move in there. I walked past the house a few times as they moved in...on purpose...like a stalker. Finally, her aunt asked me to come over and meet my now BFF and her cousin. Later, I asked her to come over but her grumpy Greek dad said, "Bif, we don't even know these people."

 

It was only a matter of time before we were inseparable. BFF and I did everything together. We worshipped Bon Jovi. We put on shows in our back yards every summer and even had business cards. We were called the Broadway Babes (well, only by the family members we gave our business cards to). BFF and I took dance classes for years, we were in cheerleading together and we even worked together everything weekend for 10 years at her parents' luncheonette. Her parents became my second set of parents. And, mine hers.

 

We stayed friends through every possible milestone - good things and bad as you can imagine. We moved out of our childhood homes, went off to different colleges, had fun and dramatic times post-college and eventually settled into new towns over an hour from each other.

 

Friends shift into different people at different stages of their life or seasons. When this happens, they sometimes become different friends to us. Maybe they are no longer "best" friends" but become more like acquaintances. Maybe a friend is your "going out gal" or your "stayin in sista". Maybe she is a gym buddy, guy venting, or advice-giving friend. BFF and I certainly shifted through different seasons at different times.

 

Over the years, we have grown into different people and have different interests. To name a few: I love going out for dinner and/or drinks. She only wants to go out on birthdays and special occasions. I like to taste new wines. BFF likes to ride on her boyfriend's motorcycle. I am a planner and she, not so much. We probably would never see each other if it wasn't for me. She cancels plans the day of. She doesn't always call me back. She hates driving to my town. And, yet somehow, I always put her on a pedestal. I know we will be best friends forever and here's a few reasons why:

 

• We know more about each other than anyone else in the world does.
• We still love Bon Jovi.
• We can talk about really deep topics or laugh our booties off.
• She swears I am thin when I'm chubby.
• She thinks I'm normal when I feel crazy.
• She picks out the best friendship cards that I know were written just for us.
• She sticks up for me when I can't.
• She has answers when I don't.
• She loves me regardless of who I am.
• She is my seasonless Best Friend Forever.

 

A note from Jessica: Cougar Tales became my pet project last summer so I could get some thoughts out of my head and cure my boredom with my corporate gig. I had no clue beforehand about blogging but I quickly became absorbed. After starting, I realized that there aren't any rules. You can write about things that matter most or things that don't matter at all. As strange as this sounds, I have actually made some online friends. My husband thinks it's odd that I "talk" to people I have never met but I think it's kind of cool. It bends the rules of traditional friendships that are established on the basis of what school you went to, where you work, and whether you have children or not. There are undiscovered ways to meet new friends that you never expect. Lots of people visit my blog thinking I'm a "cougar" chronicling my life. Not the case. Simply put, I write about life...as it seems to me. One of the common themes you'll find on my blog is friendship. And, one of my favorite people to write about is my best friend, Beth.

 

For my Canadian friends and readers especially:

 

An excellent article by Kate Fillion in the January 2010 issue of Chatelaine describes the reasons why your once-BFF can suddenly leave your life.

 

You can read the Chatelaine article in its entirety here.

 

 

What would you say to Elin Nordegren (Mrs. Tiger Woods) if you were her BFF? Bad news can take many forms but the rules of friendship-on how to help a close friend who is dealing with bad stuff-are fairly universal.

 

What would you say to any friend who was experiencing an overwhelming personal problem? It might be the friend who didn't get into her dream school, the friend whose boyfriend broke off with her, the friend whose husband lost his job, the friend whose son's recent drug charges made their way into the local paper, the friend who had another miscarriage, the friend whose home has been foreclosed by the bank, the friend who was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer, the friend whose daughter has an obvious eating disorder, the friend whose young child was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the friend who suddenly lost her husband, or the office friend who was passed over for a promotion.

 

Although bad stuff happens all the time-at every age and stage of life-it's probably the first time your friend has been faced with this problem. As a result, she may feel confused, alone, victimized, and/or ashamed-and have trouble coping.

 

Here are some suggestions about what you might do as a friend:

 

1) Acknowledge that you know what happened

The story doesn't have to make the front page of US Weekly or the NY Post, but when people in your office, neighborhood, or circle of friends know that something bad went down, don't pretend that you don't-especially if you are a close friend.

Some people think it's impolite to acknowledge that they heard bad news or think that it isn't their place to say anything. They also may not know what to say. This leaves the friend in trouble feeling alone and isolated, even from her closest friends, and unsure why people are reacting that way. Do they know or not? Does their mean they blame her for what happened? Are her friends purposely distancing themselves from her? Are they uncomfortable talking about what happened? Think about how you would feel in similar circumstances. It's a very lonely place to be.

In the most general way, tell your friend that you heard about what happened and that you're so sorry she's in this situation. If your friend asks how you found out, be as honest as you can be without hurting her. If it was a third-person who told you, you don't need to name names.

 

2) Be a good listener and keep the questions to a minimum

She may not be ready to talk and may be unsure of her own feelings. Instead, prime yourself for being a good listener. Don't ask probing questions, prying for details that she doesn't want to discuss or isn't ready to divulge. Let her take the lead in the conversation. By listening, you'll be able to gauge her comfort level in what she's ready or not ready to talk about.

Remind your friend that she can trust you. Ensure her that you'll keep everything she tells you private and MEAN it. If someone has a public profile or has been deeply hurt by someone close to her, she may be particularly wary of other people-including good friends.

 

3) Offer your best advice

She may be grappling with a series of difficult decisions. For example, should she file for divorce, should she seek custody of the kids, should she leave for a vacation in Sweden, and should she talk to the press? It's hard to know what's right and wrong for a friend unless you are in her shoes and know all the facts. Yet, you only know part of the story-what you've heard or what you've been told, not what she's experienced.

My feeling is that friends expect to get unsolicited advice from their close friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that your friend will act upon it but at least you will have provided her with someone else's outside perspective-an opinion from someone who knows and cares about her.

If she rejects what you say, she may have not told you everything, she may not be ready to hear or act upon what you have to say, or she may simply have a different opinion. Unless your friend is engaging in obviously self-destructive behavior, you probably should step back and give her some time to consider or reject your advice.

 

4) Let her know that you are there for her

At times like this, women need their female friends. Tell her explicitly that you want to help out in any way you can. Even if you feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's 14 purported mistresses or the prognosis of her illness, let her know you are there for her in concrete ways. You can offer to watch the kids so she can have some time off or offer to drive her to treatments. Ask her what she needs. If she isn't able to tell you, make some suggestions.

Being there is a process rather than a one-time event. Check in with her periodically even if she doesn't feel like chatting. Keep the calls short or write her a brief note, telling her that you want her to know that you're thinking about her and are available to help when needed. If her needs or those of her family are overwhelming, ask her permission to organize a group of friends who can take turns, for example, bringing meals to the family on different evenings. Recognize that her needs may change over time.

 

5) Resist the temptation to tell her that you know how she feels

You may have experienced death, divorce or disability, but your experience may be far different than hers. Show respect to your friend by listening and responding to her personal experience rather than reciting your own. People need to find their own ways to understand and cope with bad news and loss.

 

I truly hope that Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren have good friends. Sometimes only our female friends can help us dig out of an emotional crisis by being there, providing support, and helping us recognize our own strengths.

 

What are some other ways that you can be there for a friend in trouble?

 

Being a BFF takes effort, especially when friendships are  challenged by time and distance. These five tried and true tips were gleaned from insights contained in more than 16,000 essays submitted in the No nonsense® Between Friends Contest. For more information, visit www.nononsense.com.

 

1.  Be invested. It's going to be a bit harder to connect through different time zones and different phases of life, but if you're serious, you'll be invested for the long haul. Being invested can be as simple as remembering to call weekly or monthly or as complicated as making the effort to plan vacations together. And the investment can vary over time and space, as long as the relationship remains positive and fulfilling for both friends.

2.  Be authentic. The internet offers new and wonderful ways friends can share and get really personal through online support groups and chat rooms. It's paramount that you represent yourself authentically because trust and honesty are the foundation of any relationship whether it's in person or on line. When you're sharing about a personal issue, make sure you're telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth...if you don't, your friend will know.


3.  Make a pact. Many friends separated by time or distance have an unwritten code ... that no matter what, they'll always take that long weekend in October. Or kick off the summer with that special beach celebration. Make these "appointment" meetings the rule not the exception and do not cancel.

 

4.  Be creative in your contact. Don't just call. Jot a quick note saying that, even though you may be separated by distance, you're thinking about her. Text her just to say hi. Send flowers to her office. Remember her birthday and anniversary. Little things go a long way.

 

5.  Make new memories and share old ones. While time and distance certainly pose difficulties, the best friends don't let that stop them. Sharing a wonderful new memory is a great way to reconnect. Upload a photo to Facebook. Send a photo to your friend in that different time zone. Share a new experience or details of a great evening out ... and let your friend know how much you missed them. Or regale your bi-coastal buddy with a "remember when?" ... she'll get a kick out of a long-forgotten memory popping up on a Tuesday evening. And she'll thank you for it!

Picture this. Your 14-year-old daughter, Mindy, excitedly tells you she's bringing a new friend home for dinner. "She's so pretty and talented, and goes to church regularly," she says. "I can't wait for you to meet her." When the new BFF walks in the door, the first thing you notice is that she has a nose ring, is exceptionally shapely for her age, and has a body tattoo like Miley Cyrus strategically below her left breast (Well, you actually don't notice the tattoo until she takes off her jacket and you see her bare midriff in winter.) You swallow and tell yourself that it's unfair to judge someone on first impressions alone.

 

Things go from bad to worse. The new friend calls you by your first name, opens your refrigerator to see what's in it, and is texting incessantly even when you're all seated at the dinner table. In fact, she seems sullen and shows no interest in making conversation with your daughter or anyone else in your family. You ask yourself: Why would Mindy choose her as a friend?

 

Whether it's the Bully, the Tease, the Goth, the Shoplifter, the User, or the Faux-Friend who gossips behind your child's back, most moms have had the unsettling experience of their tween or teen coming home with a "bad friend." Here are 5 basic tips for moms facing this dilemma:

 

1) Your response depends on the age of your child. When kids are young, you're able to pick and choose their friends. By the time your child is a tween or teen, they should have the opportunity to choose their own friends.

 

2) Resist the urge to jump in. Don't embarrass your teen or make him/her feel babied in front of a peer. Don't attempt to parent the "bad friend" - that's not your job. Wait until after the friend has left to have "the talk" and to discuss your feelings and impressions with your child.

 

3) Coach, don't tell. Start by finding out what your teen or tween likes about her friend. It will encourage her to talk and the answers may surprise you. If you remain unconvinced that the friendship is a healthy one, express your concerns openly but don't tell your teen what to do. If you attempt to micromanage their friendships, they'll only resent your interference and get defensive. Believe it or not, they do hear what you say, which will lead them to question their own decisions when they're ready.

 

4) Focus on raising strong, confident teens. Helping teens to discover their own strengths and to feel good about themselves enables them to make better choices. Encourage them to be exposed to different types of friends through a variety of experiences in school and through sports, hobbies, and other activities in your community.

 

5) Share your own friendship stories. Don't make the mistake of perpetuating the myths of popular culture: that friendships are perfect, that you only need one best friend, and that all friendships will or should last forever. Share anecdotes from your own experiences that point out the potential pitfalls of friendship-as well as the virtues.

 

Of course, if a "bad friend" is making illegal, immoral or destructive choices, parents need to keep a very close eye on the friendship. But more often than not, parental misgivings (particularly those based on appearances alone) turn out to be misplaced. The "bad friend" who we knew would one day be a felon matures into a Fulbright scholar. During the tween and teen years, young people are struggling to figure out who they are and who they want to be. It is to be expected that they will make some mistakes in choosing friends and, hopefully, they'll learn important life lessons about friendship along the way if parents are there to guide them.

 

Have you had the experience of being a parent and welcoming a "bad friend" into your home?