BF

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

I, too, have recently had a friendship break up with my bf. We both had a stressful year, I lost my job and she has had various stresses. She told me I was too intense, despite the fact that I tried not to call or ask her to go out too often. If I ever upset her, she went hysterical calling me names and screaming at me over the slightest thing.

 

I miss her terribly and told her so and that I could not stop thinking about her, like an obsession. However, my feelings are that of love for a friend nothing more. We are both happily married with kids. I think she misunderstood what I meant and is now completely ostracizing me-despite telling me she missed me too.

 

Is it normal to feel like this, so sad and unhappy that someone is no longer in your life? I'm very confused why I can't stop thinking about her. Our kids go to school together and it's making life very uncomfortable.

Signed,

Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry that you're reeling from your loss and, yes, it's normal to feel that way when you lose a close friend. You took a risk and told your friend how much your relationship meant and she didn't reciprocate. In fact, she pushed you further away. Making it harder, she's someone you have to worry about bumping into at your child's school.

 

It sounds like both you and she have been under considerable stress and that the relationship had become quite volatile before this split. You both need a break from that intensity which probably wasn't fun for either of you.

 

You have less reason to be embarrassed that she does. Be cordial if you bump into her and say hello but don't build your life around hers. There may be more going on with her than you know about.

 

Try to put the relationship on indefinite hold and stop thinking about it. Spend time with your family and other friends. If you need support, it might even be a good time to read my book ☺---and don't be surprised if she comes back to you when her life calms down.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am 24 and my best friend is the same age as well. We used to enjoy hanging out together but she acts like she doesn't enjoy being around me anymore.

She always says things like, "Why do you do this or that?" and "Grow up" or “Why did you….” I haven't done anything wrong. And if I did make a mistake, it's not like she is perfect either. I don't constantly point out her faults, so what’s the deal? I do the same things around other friends and they don't act like that. She is always putting me down. It’s like she thinks I’m not good enough for her anymore.

I feel like I am losing my best friend, and I don't know what to do. I try to be careful of what I say or do but there is always something. For example, I have cheap speakers for my PC and today she came and watched a movie with me. (I don't have a TV or anything so I watch movies on the PC.) She complained about the quality of the sound! She already has been here before, so she knows how my speakers are. So why point it out?

Best,
Lori

ANSWER

Dear Lori,

Your letter doesn’t suggest a single reason why you should continue to be friends with your once-BF. You may have a shared history that includes some good memories but she sounds so insensitive and critical of everything you do and say, that it must be awful to spend time with her now.

Who knows why she is acting this way? She could be jealous or angry. Whatever the reason, her behavior is unacceptable.

If you think it would make a difference, tell her how she is making you feel. Perhaps she doesn’t realize the impact her words and actions are having on you. This would give her the opportunity to apologize and change her ways.

If you don’t feel this is viable or she doesn’t respond reasonably, let go of this toxic relationship and spend your time with friends who appreciate you and vice versa. I'm sorry you are in this situation but people change over time and all best friendships don’t last forever.

Best,
Irene