best friend

I watched My Best Friend (2006) this evening on Netflix (don't know how I missed the original run) and fell in love with the movie. It's a simple story of a wealthy antique dealer who focuses on things rather than relationships. He worries about his own mortality; specifically, who will attend his funeral when he passes away and begins an alternately warm and comedic pursuit to find a best friend.

 

Along the way, Francois (Daniel Auteuil) hooks up with a  taxi driver named Bruno (Dany Boon), an unusual mentor who teaches him the lessons of making friends and being a friend: being social, smiling and sincere. 

 

My favorite lines:

Bruno: Isn't there anybody you can call at 3 a.m. in case you have a big problem?

François: I don't have any big problem.

Bruno: Yes, you have one, you can't call anybody at 3AM!

 

You can read a synopsis of the film here. Watching it made my think about whom I could call at 3AM. Highly recommended!

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I don't know if this is a strange question or if many other women have the same issue as me. I have a lot of friends that I'm very attached to, and enjoy spending time with. I'm not outgoing, but I'm not a shy person, and find it easy to meet and befriend people. I get on well with a wide range of people and have always had plenty of friends in my life. My friends tell me I am funny, clever, good company, a good conversationalist and a good listener, caring, intuitive, generous and make people feel better about themselves. I often receive cards and letters from them thanking me for my help and friendship, so I definitely feel appreciated.

 

Yet at no point in my life have I ever been someone's BEST friend. I've had women in my life I considered my best friend, but they never saw me that way in return. I always seem to be the second-best friend, the back-up friend, or just another friend in the group. On some level, I feel that friends keep me at a slight emotional distance, and although they are happy to share their problems with me, nobody seems to be too comfortable hearing about mine.

 

I had a best friend in grad school, and soon after that we got married, so although that's lovely, he didn't only want friendship from me. In college I had a female best friend who turned out to be bisexual and expected us to become a couple - when I said I only wanted to be her friend, she soon found a companion who was more on her sexual wavelength (another close friend of mine so I lost both of them). In high school I had a best friend and I believe I was her best friend as well - two months later her family moved 500 miles away. She soon found a best friend at her new school, but I never did.

 

As far as I can work out, I am a very likeable person but not a lovable one, or at least it's hard for me to find people who will love me platonically and not move away. I'm in the second half of my life now and I've accepted that it's not likely I'll ever be someone's best friend at this late stage. I'm grateful for the friendships I have and I know I'm lucky. But not only do I secretly feel a little jealous when I see two female friends sharing a close bond and pouring their hearts and minds out to each other, I also wonder why it is I have never had this except for 2 months at the age of 14?

 

You know a lot about women and about friendship - can you tell me what makes a woman "best friend material", and what reasons could there be that I just don't cut it as a BFF?

Sincerely,

Terri

 

ANSWER

Dear Terri,

It sounds like you already know all the qualities of being a good friend---mutual respect, caring, loyalty, trust, and supportiveness, to start---and that you are one! Those same ingredients are key to becoming a BEST friend. However, for two people to become best friends, they need to desire the same closeness with each other and to work at it over time.

 

The friend who is bisexual wanted a romantic involvement with you while you didn't. It's understandable how that put the kibosh on building a best friendship. In the case of the short-lived best friend who moved away, distance often makes it challenging to deepen a friendship when there isn't a long shared history. Since you've desired a best friend for a long time, however, it's probably not solely a matter of you consistently making poor choices and/or of logistics getting in the way.

 

One thought that comes to my mind: Could you possibly be guarded with other people and reluctant to self-disclose, perhaps because you have had a hard time forming intimate friendships with women in the past? Such a tendency, which is common, could inadvertently create an emotional distance between you and a friend. If your friend feels you are holding back, it will cause her to do the same.

 

Conversely, trust and intimacy develop slowly when there is a give and take. Two friends begin to feel so in sync that they can comfortably share their innermost feelings and thoughts. You might try selecting one promising friendship and approaching it in a different way than you have with others (that have remained more superficial) by allowing yourself to gradually get closer over time.

 

Another possibility is that you are, in some way, intimidating your friends, which also creates distance. Two best friends don't have to feel equal in every way but there needs to be a sense of balance between them: That overall, each one is giving as much as she is receiving. Perhaps, you're portraying yourself as more successful and self-assured than you are.

 

Of course, these are just two possibilities, but since the problem you describe is persistent and remains troublesome to you, it may be worthwhile to talk to a counselor or mental health professional who can give you some helpful feedback specific to your situation.

 

In the meantime, although you don't have a BEST FRIEND at the moment, you are fortunate to have good friendship-making skills, a group of friends who appreciate you, and many potential candidates for a best friend. Over time, one of these friendships may eventually become the special relationship you are longing for.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

It's always nice to hear about a special friendship but especially on Best Friends Day! So I was delighted that my friend and colleague, Judy Kirkwood, contributed this guest post today.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am an only child and have a friend named Linda (who is also an only) whom I've known since first grade. She is due to give birth to a baby girl and two months ago asked me to throw her shower for 50 people with the help of her mother and sister-in-law. I felt really honored and threw myself into it, and it was a tremendous success.

 

In her words and mine, I was also the first person she told she was pregnant after her husband (even before her mom!). We spoke just recently and she excitedly detailed the upcoming baby christening she already was planning. In lieu of traditional godparents, she and her husband decided to name his two brothers as godparents, and do something special for me, for another friend, and for her two sister-in-laws during the ceremony. Is it wrong that I feel hurt by this?

 

I truly hoped that I would be a godparent, that I would be family to her when both of us don't have anyone else. Should I say something to her? Especially because this hurt is making me not want to rush the six hours to be at the hospital when she gives birth. Then I think, what does it matter---I'm just a friend. I realize I also might be reflecting my past hurt onto a situation that doesn't merit it -- and thus I've come to you! Please help, Friendship Doctor. What should I do?

Signed,
Beth

 

ANSWER

Dear Beth,

You are so fortunate to have such a close and long-standing friendship. When a woman doesn't have a sister, a best friend often feels like the sister she never had so I'm sure this relationship is as special for you as it is for Linda. You are far more than "just a friend." However, with Linda becoming a mother, it will definitely change the nature of your relationship, even in terms of the sheer time she has available for herself. So I can see how this might make you feel uncertain about what is to come.

 

While it's understandable that you might be disappointed and hurt because you had hoped to be a godparent, you have to understand that your friend and her husband have every right to exercise their own prerogatives and do what they think is best for themselves and their baby. (And although you were very gracious to throw the shower, I'm certain you never expected any payback for doing that.)

 

The fact that Linda told you first, decided to single you out, and wants to honor you during the christening, shows how important you are to her and that she wants you to play a special role in the life of her first child. I'm sure Linda and her husband had to weigh many considerations in making their decision. For example, her husband's family may have had traditions or expectations that you don't know about. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that Linda's decision diminishes your friendship in any way.

 

In many cases, the role of a godparent is somewhat ambiguous and is subject to the people and personalities involved. In no way should this stop you from carving out a special role for yourself. Try to swallow your initial feelings of hurt and be the unofficial godparent you had always hoped to be. Shower the baby with your love and affection and be there for Linda as she adjusts to the challenges of motherhood. Also, you never know what life may bring: Your BFF may have other children and you may have another shot at the brass ring.

 

This friendship seems to be too important to tarnish in any way by saying something now that you'll later regret.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Have a question about friendship? Send it to Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal by Amy Chozick, How Parents Became Cool, describes the parental paradigm shift (as seen on TV) from loving but firm (think: The Brady Bunch) to best friends (think: Pretty Little Liars). We've all heard stories of (and some of us have witnessed up close) moms who are trying so desperately to be cool that they opt for the role of BFFs to their daughters instead of moms. It's an easy line to cross; after all, every woman wants another friend---and moms, especially, want to connect with their teens and tweens and not be thought of as old hags. But can a mother be a daughter's best friend?

 

Apropos of Mother's Day, I asked my colleagues, Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship (Berkley, 2009) to address that question in a guest post. Here is what Gordon and Shaffer had to say:

 

There is an old Chinese proverb that states "One Generation plants the trees; another gets the shade," and this is how it should be with mothers and daughters. The intimate nature of the relationship between a mother and daughter is sometimes confusing. If close, the relationship can simulate friendship through the familiar characteristics of empathy, listening, loyalty, and caring. However, the mother/daughter relationship has unique characteristics that distinguish it from a best friendship. These characteristics include a mother's role as primary emotional caretaker, a lack of reciprocity, and a hierarchy of responsibility. This hierarchy, combined with unconditional love, precludes mothers and daughters from being best friends.

 

Because the essential ingredient for friendship is equality and there is always an imbalance when one person in the twosome is the parent of the other, mothers and daughters naturally can't be best friends. Marina, 27 years old says, "I love spending time with my mom, but I wouldn't consider her my best friend. She's MY MOM. Best friends don't pay for the dress you covet in a trendy clothing store that you wouldn't pay for yourself. Best friends don't pay for your wedding. Best friends don't remind you how they carried you in their body and gave you life, and sometime gas! Best friends don't tell you how wise they are and trump your opinion because they have been alive at least 20 years longer than you. I love my mom, and I want her to remain a mom."

 

This doesn't mean that the mother/daughter relationship can't be very close and satisfying. While some adult relationships are still troubled, many find them to be extremely rewarding. So many moms spoke to us about how happy they are to be finished with the "eye rolling" and look from their adolescent daughters, a look that says, "You must come from a different evolutionary chain than me." Daughters also adopted the famous Mark Twain quote about aging, with some slight alterations, and their feelings about their mothers. Mark Twain said, "When I was a boy (girl) of 14, my father (mother) was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man (woman) around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man (woman) had learned in seven years."

 

This generation of mothers and adult daughters has a lot in common which increases the likelihood of shared companionship. Mothers and daughters have always shared the common experience of being homemakers, responsible for maintaining and passing on family values, traditions, and rituals. Today contemporary mothers and daughters also share the experience of the workforce, technology and lack of a generation gap, which may bring them even closer together.

 

Best friends may or may not continue to be best friends, but for better or worse, the mother and daughter relationship is permanent, even if for some unfortunate reason they aren't' speaking. The mother and child relationship is, therefore, more intimate and more intense than any other. As long as that hierarchy exists, it's not an equal relationship. Daughters should not feel responsible for their mother's emotional well-being. Not that they don't care deeply about their mothers, it's just that they shouldn't be burdened with their mother's well being. As one mother said to her daughter, "I would gladly dive under a bus for you and there is no way that I'm diving under a bus for my friends." Her daughter responded, "And I'd gladly let you dive under the bus to save me!"

 

The mother/daughter relationship is so much more comprehensive than a best friendship. It's a relationship that is not replaceable by any other. This unique bond doesn't mean that when daughters mature they can't assume more responsibilities and give back to their mothers, but it's never equal and it's not supposed to be. Mothers never stop being mothers, which includes frequently wanting to protect their daughters and often feeling responsible for their happiness. Mother always "trumps" friend.

 

BOOK GIVEAWAY 

For a chance to win your own copy of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship, post your own thoughts below in response to the question: Can a daughter be a mother's best friend? Be sure to include your email address so if you are chosen, I can contact you for your snail mail address.

Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Tuesday, May 11, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please. Good luck, girlfriends! 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Over the course of my life I've had two or three best friends, relationships that ended for one reason or another. Although I have a good marriage with a wonderful man, I've always felt incomplete without a best friend. Four years ago I bonded with someone who had been an acquaintance for years, and we are BFFs today (we are both 60). We spend every Monday together, from noon till 3AM or later, and share so much. It's like being roommates for that one day, and she has my full attention.

 

Two years into our BFF-hood, my friend showed rapidly worsening symptoms that turned out to be non-remitting (progressive) multiple sclerosis. We have coped with that together and still do so every week. My dilemma is this. Years ago my husband and I used to travel around in an RV and loved it. In a couple of years he will be in a position to take larger chunks of time off again and we want to buy another motor home and travel. Even though this isn't going to happen immediately, I already feel guilt about leaving my BFF for long periods. She has come to depend on me for so many things, not just physical but emotional. I really worry that she will spiral downward when the time comes for me to spend 100% of my time with my husband.

 

BFF has acquaintances but no other close friends. Her family is far-flung and not close, and her MS has caused most people to cultivate an arms-length relationship with her. I don't think this is a common situation but if you have any insights or advice I would be receptive to hearing them. How can I prepare myself and BFF for the changes that are to come? I can't stand the thought of losing another best friend.

Thanks,
Lisa

 

ANSWER

Dear Lisa,

You are anticipating the loss of---or, at minimum, major changes in a very special friendship. Your anxiety is understandable because whatever the circumstances, it's always hard to move on and leave close friends behind. You're also beginning a new phase of your life, one outside of your own comfort zone, which is somewhat akin emotionally to an adolescent leaving the nest.

 

Perhaps, you and your BFF will no longer be Monday "roommates" but there is no reason why you can't still remain friends. You can stay connected through emails and phone calls, and you can schedule face-time together when you come home between your periods of travel. You can even send your BFF picture postcards (remember them?) so she can experience your travels vicariously.

 

Have you already spoken to your BFF about your impending travels? If you haven't, you should openly share your concerns and anxieties with her. I'm sure that she will understand that there are many twists and turns in relationships as our lives change, and you'll both feel better after having the talk.

 

While your BFF won't be able to depend on you in the same way, let her know that you'll be there for her. Perhaps you can also help her line up supports (either in-person or virtual ones) through a local chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society or other community organizations. You're right: Having a chronic illness or disability is challenging and making friends under those circumstances can be difficult. But I suspect others will see the same person whose strengths you have grown to admire.

 

At the same time, begin to think about the adventures you'll have on your trips and all the new friends you'll meet on the road.

Hope these thoughts are helpful.

My best,
Irene

 

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QUESTION

Irene,

Jordan and I have been best friends since our first day of college 20 years ago. Over the years, we both married (me=happily, her=constantly teetering on the edge of divorce) and had children. I had my children several years before she did, and she was always incredibly supportive and understanding of my new obligations and priorities, while longing for a child of her own.

 

Three years ago, Jordan had a daughter. I have tried to support her in all the ways she supported me though those baby/toddler years, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to do. We live many time zones apart (different continents) and the onus of our friendship has gradually shifted so it is now entirely mine.

 

Whenever I pick up the phone, she spends the entire call (which is always scheduled in advance) dealing with her 3-year-old. She recently hung up on me in the middle of a "crisis" because her daughter was angry that she wasn't coloring with her. She has mentioned that she never talks to any of her other friends anymore, either, which leads me to think that I'm not the only person feeling frustrated. I have tried instigating emails, but get fairly unsatisfactory replies (two sentences back to my two pages) though she always mentions how much she misses me and wants to talk. The only time it actually happens, though, is when she's having an emotional emergency.

 

I understand and support her love for her daughter, but I'm tired of feeling like our friendship has turned into a one-way street. I know that she focuses on her child so much, in part, because her marriage is very unhappy. While I don't think this is healthy for either of them, I don't want to interfere with her parenting (her other friends and family have told her that she needs to start setting limits and it hasn't made a difference, anyway--though she has cut those people out of her life to a great degree). I do, however, want my friend back--at least occasionally--but I can't figure out how to talk to her about it without immediately putting her on the defensive. Any thoughts?

Signed,
Missy

 

ANSWER

Dear Missy,

Your friend Jordan is struggling with a tough situation at home: She's simultaneously dealing with a challenging child and an unhappy marriage. While her friends and family sound well intended, it's probably naive to think that all her domestic problems can be resolved by merely setting limits with her daughter. Some children can be challenging to parent for a host of different reasons.

 

By virtue of her circumstances, Jordan isn't in a position to be the same friend to you that she once was but you shouldn't take her inaccessibility personally. Without cutting her off, you may need to scale back your expectations for the time being and get involved with other friends. It's common for the balance of a relationship to swing in one direction and then another over the course of a long-term friendship.

 

Imagine how your best friend feels when she compares her life to yours, which seems so peaceful and perfect. Cut her some slack and be a good listener rather than joining the chorus criticizing her parenting skills. You might also suggest that she seek professional counseling to help her better cope at home. Finally, ask her if it would be easier for her to initiate phone calls when she has the time and focus rather than have you run the risk of calling during another crisis.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A friend of mine spends a lot of money on gifts even when it's not a special occasion. She is not wealthy and her husband recently confided to my husband that they need to downsize soon in order to pay off debt.

 

She surprises me with clothing, jewelry, expensive spa services, etc. and insists on paying for everything even when I try to pay my half. Last summer for my 50th birthday, she surprised me by planning an entire weekend, paying for everything including breakfast, lunch, a movie, drinks at happy hour, dinner and topped it off with a night's stay at an expensive hotel for me and my husband!

 

Everything is always "I have a surprise for you." I never get to know the details until it is time for it to happen. I do not reciprocate these expensive gifts/surprises and feel very uncomfortable accepting things from her that I don't need, I don't want and don't even use! What do I say to her without hurting her feelings? Please help!

Signed,
Marcy

 

ANSWER

Dear Marcy,

As heartfelt as the expressions of affection may be, they sound inappropriate and over-the-top, particularly given your friend's financial situation. Do you have a sense that your friend is insecure in her relationship with you, and wants to "buy" your friendship by showering you with expensive gifts? Or perhaps, does she seem to be a compulsive spender, who always lives beyond her means and her gifts to friends are symptomatic of a larger problem?

 

In either case, you need to tell her firmly that the excess makes you feel uncomfortable-because it does, and that it isn't good for your relationship. Reassure her that you value her friendship and tell her that you appreciate her generous nature, but you want to handle gifting in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. You might even establish a reasonable dollar limit together for upcoming birthdays and holiday gifts, and agree that there should be no significant gifts in-between.

 

If this is a persistent problem over which your friend has no control, she may have a spending addiction. Talking with her might help bring it out in the open so she can seek help.

Hope this is helpful!

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

A year ago, my best friend of 14 years gave birth to her twin boys. Their biological father has never been in their lives and my friend took him to court. She was awarded full legal and physical custody of the twins, which we were VERY happy about. Of course she asked me to be the twins godmother, a role which I gladly accepted.

 

Since day one, I have been a major part of the boys' lives. We've always been attached at the hip. My best friend doesn't drive so I'm the driver and we take the babies everywhere with us.

 

The problem I am having now is that I have completely fallen in love with those boys; I imagine that I love them just as much as their real mama does. Because of this special bond, I am so scared. My friend has some medical issues and if anything were to happen to her, the boys could easily be ripped away from me in a heartbeat, either by the biological father's family or my best friend's family. Most people wouldn't think that either side is mentally stable.

 

I am like a second mother to the boys yet I have no rights whatsoever. My friend wants me to be the one to raise them as my own IF anything were to ever happen to her, but we have no idea how to do this legally. What rights would a court give to a mothers "best friend?"

 

Most people assume we are gay, which doesn't offend me because, honestly, we are "soul mates" who just happen to not be in a physical relationship. Otherwise we act like a married couple raising two kids.

 

What should I do to reduce my level of stress and stop the nightmares? I have never loved anybody as much as I love my boys. I refer to them as my babies even when talking to my best friend! She is not the most responsible person and depends on me as well. She still lives with her grandparents and got knocked up by a crazy person who has now landed in jail for being a sex-offender.

 

Needless to say our lives are never dull and although technically I am a single woman without kids, I really feel like a single mother of three! LOL! Should I pursue some sort of legal "backup" so at least I would feel safe in knowing that if something were to ever happen to my best friend that I could be the boys' legal guardian? Or should I just let it go and pray for the best? I never thought I could love them so much and I don't want to lose them.

Thanks,
Casey

ANSWER

Dear Casey,

The question you posed is not a friendship problem, per se. You and your best friend really need legal advice. Your attachment and love for the two babies is understandable since you've been like a surrogate second parent since they were born---but you are not their mother, nor your friend's. The situation you describe sounds pretty unstable so, to some extent, I understand your fears.

 

The question you didn't ask me-whether or not this is a healthy friendship-is more appropriately in my bailiwick. I think you need to take a hard look at this complicated situation and sort out your feelings about your best friend, her children, and the rest of her family with a mental health professional. As you describe your best friend, she doesn't appear to have good judgment and is extremely dependent on you. Although you're crazy about the babies, is this the type of relationship you want for yourself or that would serve you well in the future?

 

The fact that you are having recurrent nightmares suggests that the friendship and your relationship with the boys has become so stressful that the first step you need to take is to figure out your hopes for YOUR future.

I hope this is helpful!

Best,
Irene

Whether it's the occasion of a birthday or an anniversary, or the passing of another year or of another decade, it's human nature to periodically take stock of things. Turning the page on the calendar means looking back and looking forward, which often brings into bold relief those aspects of our lives where we think we've fallen short and want to do better. Most people (and resolutions) focus on health, finances, family and career---but our friendships also warrant some thought and close examination.

 

Here are 5 suggested ways to go about it:

 

1) Take stock of your inventory and rid yourself of any excess

No one relishes having a cluttered closet or overstuffed chest of drawers filled with so much "stuff" that they don't know what they have or can't access what they need. It can be as daunting as facing an empty closet or one with clothes that don't fit. Similarly, having too many friends (even good ones) or too many questionable friendships (Think: frenemies) can be a distraction that weighs someone down.

So, to start, I would suggest that you spend some time this week, perhaps a half-hour, assessing which of your friendships are true ones and decide to make them a priority. It might even help to make a list on paper. Because time is so finite, the trick to living a good life is skillfully balancing your family, career, friendships and private time so that it meets your own goals and desires. Consign the less rewarding friendships to a top shelf in your virtual closet where you don't often go and keep the treasured ones in view where they can be enjoyed and nurtured.

 

2) Examine whether you've been spending your time and energy with emotional vampires

Do you have a roster of toxic friends or frenemies in your life? (Caution: Having just one of them may be too much.) Do you have close relationships that are filled with ambivalence and hostility and that seem to drain your energy and leave you feeling stressed? Do some of your relationships feel one-sided and simply take too much work? Is your friend judgmental or competitive, by nature?

While most research on friendship and health focuses on the positive relationship between the two, some relationships are simply too stressful to be rewarding. One study (see reference below) suggests that the stress of unpredictable, ambivalent, love-hate relationships can lead to elevations in blood pressure. According to the researchers, a relationship with a friend who is "unreliable, competitive, critical or frustrating" would fall into this category .

In her final column in the Washington Post, columnist Ellen Goodman wrote about the importance of "letting go," reiterating thoughts she had written some 30 years earlier: "There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives...It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out."

Are you only hanging on to one or more friendships only because of your reluctance to let go of a shared history? Perhaps, you need to let go.

 

3) After you look carefully at your friendships, entertain the possibility that even with the friends you have, you may be lonely

Like our lives, friendships are dynamic and change over time. The friend you made in high school, the mom-friend you made when your children played together, or the woman you shared an office with may have little in common with you now. Each time we grow or make situational changes in our lives, it impinges upon our friendships. That's why we need to be open to making friends at every age and stage of our lives-whether at work, at school, or in your neighborhood.

It's easiest to form friendships with people with whom who have something in common. If you don't come into contact with many people (perhaps you're a new mother, in middle-age sandwiched between caregiving responsibilities, or have just moved to a new town where you don't know anyone), create opportunities to meet friends by pursuing your own interests (creative, athletic, political, spiritual). Join a gym, a book club, or a meetup group.

 

4) Make sure you have at least one "best friend"

It's far easier to acquire hundreds of Facebook "friends" and scores of Twitter followers than it is to develop a sense of intimacy and caring with a far more limited number of people that you would consider "best friends." Each of us needs at least one close friend with whom we feel open and trusting enough to bare our true selves; more than one is even better. These intimate relationships help affirm whom we are and whom we want to become.

Initially, two people "click" and feel comfortable together but a close friendship builds over time. There are no guarantees that these relationships will last forever but the risk of them withering away increases greatly if they aren't nurtured with time and caring.

 

5) Resolve to be a better friend to others

Do you give as much as you ask for? We may feel so comfortable with our closest friends that we take them for granted. Or we may be so set in our ways that we aren't sensitive to them.

I've been blogging about female friendships on The Friendship Blog for almost three years and have written nearly three hundred posts during that time. The most widely read post was written in February 2009 on the topic of "needy friends." Readers said they resonated to that post because they either felt that their friends demanded more than they were able to give or else that they, themselves, recognized that they were needy people who alienated others.

So perhaps a reminder is in order that in order: To have a best friend you have to be one. People need to be attuned to their friends' needs and give as much as they get. Although the balance shifts from day to day or from year to year, overall, a relationship needs to be reciprocal to have staying power.

Best wishes for the New Year! May it be filled with precious friendships that bring you health and happiness!

 

Reference: 

Holt-Lunstad, J., Uchino, B. N., Smith, T. W. & Hicks, A. (2007). On the importance of relationship quality: The impact of ambivalence in friendships on cardiovascular functioning. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 33, 1-12.