awkward

Dear Irene

I found your book exceedingly helpful but I have a personal question. My closest friend began to pull away from a relationship with me, but she continues to want and seek a close relationship with my siblings (multiple sisters) but not with me.

What is difficult is I still find myself in social and family situations due to her doing things with others in the family but not with me. I can't speak about it to my siblings since I don't want to create a negative situation, but to be honest, I feel a bit as though I am now competing with her for the affections of my family members.

I am at a loss as to how to best allow the friendship to end without feeling awkward at family gatherings. Any advice would be appreciated.

Signed,
Rosie

ANSWER

Dear Rosie:

Admittedly, this isn't any easy situation. It seems odd that your friend would continue to seek out your sisters' company given her decision to end her relationship with you. She has to realize that showing up at your family functions would be potentially uncomfortable for you and for your sisters as well.

You need to talk openly with your sisters and explain what has happened, and tell them how difficult this has been for you. See if they offer any suggestions. At worst, they'll be aware of your feelings but I suspect they'll rally around you.

Let me know how it goes.

Best,
Irene

Every friendship, even the best of them, has predictable peaks and valleys---but the low points can still threaten even a solid friendship. Perhaps, the friend who you were sure would be your best friend forever (BFF) is beginning to feel intrusive and grating on your nerves. Or your BFF has disappointed you, let you down big-time, or displayed an inexcusable lapse in judgment. It may even be something more subtle, yet equally serious: You’re seeing each other less and less, and you simply feel like you are drifting apart. What do you say?

Many close friendships on the brink of disaster can be salvaged if friends are able to communicate openly and tell each other what’s bothering them. But it’s normal to feel awkward and tongue-tied about speaking up and talking about uncomfortable things; we all find it difficult to find the right words to say at the right time.

What better person to ask about how to handle some of these awkward but common friendship scenarios than Florence Isaacs, author of the recently released What Do You Say When…Talking to People with Confidence on any Social or Business Occasion (Clarkson Potter, May 2009)?

The questions I posed to Florence each began with What do you say to a friend when…?

Here are her responses:

1)    …your friend talks about herself too much and is beginning to bore you to tears
It depends on how close you are and how much you get out of the relationship otherwise.  If you’re not that close, the answer is, “Take her in small doses.” Maybe you have to see or talk to her less often and/or limit the amount of time you spend on each encounter. On the other hand, if she’s your best friend and you want to protect the relationship, you need to talk about this or the annoyance can build and lead to an explosion. You might try something like, “Our friendship is really important to me, but I feel our conversations are never about me and my life. I miss the back and forth we used to have.” Then keep quiet and let her respond.  She may not realize she’s become so self-involved, or there may be some reason for her behavior that you’re not aware of.

2)  … your friend asks too many personal or probing questions and is making you feel like you are on the witness stand   

First try humor, as in “Asked and answered, counselor.” This may help her realize she’s overdoing it. But if she continues to behave this way and your relationship is close, you have to be honest. You might say, “Hey, you’re asking a lot of questions. I don’t like it. Back off.”

3)  …your friend has undermined you at work

First find out whether it’s intentional. Did she mean to harm you? If the answer is no, you can still address the situation with "I know you didn’t mean to, but you messed up my client meeting.” Deliberate undermining is another matter. In that case, the friendship is over. I’d confront the person and say, “I know what you did.”  

4)  …your friend always seems to be “booked” and inaccessible, and you feel like you are drifting apart

This can happen when one friend gets married or has a baby or gets a big promotion—and the other friend does not. One has a new life style and/or new time consuming responsibilities and obligations. It can take time for both of you to figure out how to adjust. Tell the person, “I feel we hardly get together anymore and I’m afraid we’re disconnecting.” She may be as unhappy about it as you are. A conversation can lead to brainstorming solutions. It’s up to her to make an effort, however, because you’ve been trying to get together all along.

5)  …your friend has had an irreconcilable tiff with a mutual friend

Stay out of it. If she wants you on her side, tell her, “You’re both my friends and I don’t want to be part of this. It’s strictly between the two of you.” Don’t let either of them drag you into their fight, although they will probably try.

* My prolific colleague and friend also wrote Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make Or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career (William Morrow, 1999).