Aristotle

Some of us are hoarders and some of us are tossers. Many of us do the same thing with our friends. Yesterday, I received a Twitter message that put the idea in bold relief. It explained the problem in less than 140-characters: Bad friends prevent you from having good friends--Gabonese proverb.

More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle pointed out that when it comes to “friendships of good” (or what we might call best friends today) there are limits to the number of relationships that can be juggled simultaneously. The precise number of manageable relationships varies from person to person: Some of us have greater social needs; some are better than others in making and keeping friends. Because of survival needs, some people have less discretionary time for socializing. And some are more adept than others in juggling work, family, friends, and alone time. Gender also comes into play: Compared to men, women tend to favor a smaller, more intimate circle of friends.

Robin Dunbar, a British sociologist, studied social groups of non-human primates to estimate the number of social connections that a human being could handle at one time. That concept has been dubbed “Dunbar’s number.” He concluded that 150 is the number of friends, both close and casual, that humans are functionally hardwired to handle at the same time (the number limited by the volume of the neocortex of the brain). Another study at Liverpool University in the 1990s also found that most people have an extended network of about 150 people they consider distant acquaintances and about five that they consider close friends.

Friendships are inherently dynamic, but if you’re a hoarder, it’s tough to let go---even if the friendship has turned toxic or one-sided. And since ending a friendship is likely to be a one-way street, it isn’t something to be done in haste or taken lightly.

Yet maintaining friendships that no longer work is like having a closet cluttered with clothes of all different sizes that no longer fit. If you organize and declutter, it’s a lot easier and more rewarding to get dressed each morning. Similarly if you’re spending your time and emotions on friendships that aren’t satisfying, you are keeping yourself from developing new ones that may be more fulfilling.

TWITTER VERSION: Audit your friendships because having too many bad ones can prevent you from having good ones

Aristotle characterized three different types of friendships, according to a recent article in Philosophy Now by Dr. Timothy Madigan. They include friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of good.

Friendships of utility offer some mutual advantage to both parties (for example, co-workers, business partners, classmates)

Friendships of pleasure describe those where people simply enjoy spending time together (for example, members of a book club or women who shop or exercise together)

Friendships of good are relationships that tend to be lifelong, based on people valuing each other's virtues