advice

QUESTION:

Dear Irene,

 

How does one get over being so alone? I do have a few very good friends, but too few! I am dying of loneliness! I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't seem to "connect" and make new friends. I don't want to die alone too! I'm turning 60 this year. Any suggestions?? Many thanks!

Signed,
Laura

 

ANSWER:

Hi Laura,

 

Your question obviously follows my last post mentioning two tragic news stories recently published about older women who died alone without anyone noticing for some time. The imagery was chilling and most people would hate to think of dying that way.

 

Admittedly, there are times when it is tougher than others to make new friends. For example, college students are continually thrown into contact with other people in similar circumstances. Young moms can take advantage of abundant opportunities to make friends with parents of their kids or with other women involved in school committees. If someone's working, she might become friends with colleagues. You haven't told me much about you but it sounds like you're at a place in life where you need to actively seek out friendships because it isn't occurring naturally.

 

Making friends is more a matter of circumstances than age, per se. Unless there is something about you that pushes others away, if you follow your interests and remain actively involved with people, you will be able to replenish your stock of friends. The choice is yours: Get involved with cultural, political, or social groups. Join a gym, book club, cooking club, or take a class. Volunteer in your community at the library or hospital. If you have a dog, start up a conversation with another dog walker on your route. Dogs and new babies are always great conversation-starters.

 

One caveat: Don't expect too much too soon. Friendships take time but if you are welcoming to potential friends and pursue your own passions, you'll be able to turn new acquaintances into deep friendships over time. If you come across as desperate or clingy, it might be a turnoff to a future friend-to-be.

 

Being aware of your loneliness and that you want close friendships is an important first step. I hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Irene

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene:

I am in my mid-thirties and have always made and had easy friendships. People really like me and I like them and being liked. All would be well except that I harbor a very strong and miserable envious streak. I cannot bear to see my friends be happy in their romantic relationships. This is the case no matter what my own romantic situation is at the time. It is no less painful for me to see them in love when I'm in a happy and loving relationship than it is when I am completely alone.

 

The very fact that they have "someone" eats me up inside. I find reasons to fight with my friends or be overly critical. I give them advice designed specifically to screw up their relationships. But, because I have such a strong history of being a "good" friend, no one would ever suspect my real motives.

 

I hate this about myself. I am a spiritual, introspective person. But when this envy problem flares up, I feel like a very mean child. Any insight or suggestions would be very welcome. Please know I am sincerely troubled by this condition. I love my friends and hate being this miserable person who wishes the worst for them.

Signed,
Donna

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Donna:

It's natural for even a very good friend to feel envious once in a while when a friend has something she doesn't. For example, a woman might wish she had one friend's good figure or another's quick sense of humor. But these are usually passing feelings that recede in the background because there is an overall sense of balance in the relationship. A friend may have some qualities or characteristics you admire and wish you had, and vice versa.

 

Because, the envy you describe seems to rear its head repeatedly and isn't specific to any one friend or situation, you need to consider the possibility that it stems from your own feelings of possessiveness and insecurity. Why else would you be wishing ill will for people you consider friends?

 

I must say that your problem is somewhat unusual because  it's obvious from your note that you are very uncomfortable, and even feel self-loathing, about feeling the way you do. Someone can't feel good about wishing the worst for her friends. Also, you have to feel ashamed, especially, about acting on your feelings by fighting, being critical, and purposely giving friends bad advice.

 

What doesn't make sense to me is how your friends can overlook this rather fatal flaw in your ability to be a good friend. I believe that it is more transparent than you realize and that it lessens the intimacy of your relationships. Close friendships are built on trust, honesty and respect.

 

If you want to salvage your existing friendships or develop new ones that are mutually satisfying, you need to change your behavior. The fact that you have some insight and are able to admit your peccadilloes to yourself and to me suggests there is hope for you to do so.

 

You might benefit from speaking to someone you trust----perhaps a counselor or mental health professional----to explore what's going on and find out what's making someone who isn't ordinarily a bad person act in ways that are destructive to her and to others.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

 

Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop are two talented women who juggle marriage, motherhood, and jobs. In the spare time they have left, they are virtual party planners extraordinaire. In 2005, they created www.GirlfriendCelebrations.com to foster female friendships on the internet, and to provide women with party ideas for girls' nights in and girls' nights out to help women get the most out of their relationships "one party at a time."

 

I love to watch the Oscar program each year and the fun is multiplied exponentially when I have the chance to share it with friends. So what better people to ask to write a guest post (pasted below) about how to throw an unforgettable Oscar party? Whatever the occasion or excuse for a party, you can get more party ideas from Dawn and Tina on their website: www.GirlfriendCelebrations.com.

_________________________________________

 

Girlfriends, it's time to roll out the red carpet--for yourselves and your best pals! Pour some bubbly and toast to your friendship during the 82nd Academy Awards (Oscars) telecast on Sunday, March 7. Award shows and other TV events offer an easy, inexpensive way to have a girls' night in with "built-in" entertainment. You can catch up on all that's going on with your girlfriends while the glitz and glamour provide great fodder for giggles and conversations. Here are our best tips for having a great award-show bash that's simple to plan and execute--even at the last minute.

Set the scene

You don't have to do a lot of prep work for this party. Just make sure the viewing area is tidied up (dusted and vacuumed to say the least). A key point to remember during clean-up time: Dust your television screen. Your friends will thank you! If you're pouring something special to drink, take the time to get out your good glassware. You'll feel more "glamorous" drinking your bubbly out of a champagne flute than a plastic tumbler.

Consider rolling out a real red carpet for your special attendees to walk down. You can purchase one online at  listed under "red carpet sidewalk runner." A 24-inch x 15-foot durable red cloth with underside adhesive is sold for only $8.99. Have a photo person stationed to take a picture of everyone's grand entrance. Other fun items might include a VIP entrance door banner for $2.50 and a "Celebrity Limo Parking" sign $7.99, just perfect for the big event.

One other setup item: Give your guests the chance to vote along with the Academy! Find printable ballots online. Along with the ballot; make sure you have pens readily available.


Do the casting

When inviting your pals, keep in perspective the size of the room and the size of the television screen on which you'll be viewing the show. If you have a 12-inch television screen, don't invite the whole softball team over. Put a limit on the number of people by the number of inches. For every 10 inches, invite one or two people. For example, if you have a 36-inch screen, limit your invitees to three to six people.

If you have a little time before the star-studded event, you can find inexpensive black-and-gold "Hollywood Star Event" invitations online that would catch the eye of any starlet.

If you are a last-minute party thrower, don't hesitate to just call your friends on the telephone or use Evite them to let them know about the planned event. Don't forget, the most important part of an invitation is the gesture itself. Whether it's done with a gold glossy sheet of 4x6 paper or on the telephone, it makes no difference to your friends. As long as you let them know your intentions, it will warm their hearts to be included.

 

Set the table

The food for any awards party should be elegant yet simple. Try a cheese platter, grapes, and chocolate-covered strawberries to satisfy healthy cravings. If you need a little more, try adding a spinach quiche or veggie pate. Pair the food with a sparkling drink like the yummy Startini made with champagne, pomegranate juice and vodka, recipe here. For those with a non-alcoholic palate, you could serve sparkling juice with many flavors to choose from, available at your local Whole Foods or Target.

 

Prepare the script

In between host humor, commercials and acceptance speeches, you'll certainly be talking to your girlfriends to catch up on all the latest. But if you feel like there's a lull, try this activity to help you to learn more about your girlfriends and them to learn more about you. Before the party, create a list of awards-ceremony-inspired questions (see samples below). Write them on some pretty slips of paper and toss them in a fancy bowl. Keep the bowl within reach of all the guests during the awards show. Then at an opportune time, such as a commercial or acceptance speech, go clockwise around the room and have guests answer a question. Take your time answering the questions; they are designed to lead you into more discussions. There may not be time for each friend to answer each question during commercial breaks, but that's ok. Just start with the next person during the next break.

Sample Questions:

• Have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? Who?
• If someone were to make up a show about your life, what would it be called?
• If you were to make it big as a singer or actress, what would you want your stage name to be?
• If you were to present an award on the awards show, who would you most want to present with?
• Make up a stage name for the person on your right.
• If you were given two tickets to the awards show, whom would you ask to go with you?
• You are dressed and ready to go to the Oscars but your purse is so small you can only fit three items in it, what three items would you carry with you?
• Name one person you'd like to sit next to at the Oscars.
• Name one person you wouldn't like to sit next to at the Oscars.
• If you could have a gown designed for yourself for the awards ceremony, whose gown would it be like?
• If you were to design a gown for the person on your left, what color would you make the dress?
• You are the director of the awards ceremony and in this room is your only cast of presenters, who would you pair together and why?
• Which actor or actress would win the best-dressed category tonight?
• Which actor or actress would win the worst dressed category tonight?
• Which actor or actress do you most identify with?
• Party Favors
• For those who love to stay with the theme, you can get engravable awards online that look Oscar-like. An inexpensive alternative can also be to make up your own awards. At any local craft store, you can find lots of items to design your own award, either by printing or crafting. Or, browse the dollar store for party favor "awards" that speak to the particular friend that is receiving them: For the "most creative" friend, present her with a light bulb. For the "most social" friend, award a new mini-address book.
• After the party, don't forget to send each guest a list of movie want-to-sees along with a picture of herself on the red carpet.
• Finally, remember: Reconnecting with the important people in your life doesn't have to be a big production. It can be something as simple as watching a televised awards show with your friends. You can even throw something together at the last minute, and you'll still be glad you did. So don't delay, "award" yourself a night in with the girls!

 

Play a starring role as a humanitarian like Bono or Angela Jolie

As you gaze upon the designer fashions and celebrity excess on the red carpet, wouldn't it be nice to do something for those less fortunate? You could turn your Oscar gathering into a charitable event by collecting gently used career clothing for women in need of professional attire. The Women's Alliance, an organization whose tagline is "Someone's Future is Hanging in Your Closet," can direct you to local chapters that provide career clothing to low-income women.

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A little more than a year ago I began a friendship with a female co-worker. We are both married and it never went beyond the friendship stage nor did either or us want it to. It started off simple enough, she knew I was into photography and she suspected a problem with her camera and asked me to take it for a while and see if I could find anything wrong.

 

The friendship grew to the point where we were taking most of our breaks together and we spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. We started at the job within a few months of each other and were both the "new kids" in the group and I think we tended to bond over that. She had numerous issues with management and came to me in tears two times because she felt she was being mistreated.

 

We already had a friendly relationship by that time and had exchanged hugs on occasion; I held her and let her cry on my shoulder. The friendship also grew outside of work and we had several get-togethers with our significant others: day trips to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, hiking in some local parks, and dinners at local restaurants as well at each of our houses. We always sat together during meetings at work and I think it was obvious to the rest of the staff that we enjoyed each other's company.

 

I went away for a two-week vacation at the end of October and she expressed concern several times as to how she would survive while I was gone. She wished I wasn't going and that she could go with me. I know people just say those things but she seemed more concerned than normal. She gave me a big hug the day I left and an even bigger one on the day I returned saying she was glad I was back.

 

Around the end of November, she did a complete 180 on me. I expressed concern that our friendship was falling apart. She said that I worried too much and we would always be friends. A few days later that changed into her not liking her job, not being able to separate me from it, and that she wanted me to just leave her alone.

 

I knew that she was having issues with the boss and she felt like he was always watching her. A few days later, when he was out for the day, I asked if we could get together for a few minutes to talk. Her response was simply "Leave me alone."

 

For Christmas, I sent her a photo book that had a lot of photos of her and her husband at various places we had visited in the past year. When I got back to work the week after Christmas I got a call from HR saying that she had filed a complaint against me. The complaint was initiated in response to the photo book but she also dragged in e-mails that she felt were inappropriate and told them that she never wanted to go out on breaks with me and she felt pressured into this and felt she could not say no. I never had any indication that she was less than happy going on breaks with me and she never said anything to me about my e-mails being inappropriate. I considered us friends and the e-mails (all but one of them to non-work e-mail accounts) were friendly e-mails. She underlined things like Do you have time for a friend? Or I miss the closeness we shared and one that I signed with a virtual hug.

 

I am still waiting for the final decision from HR but for the time being we have simply been told to not have any contact with each other. We are both at work and it is very difficult for me right now. I try to avoid her as much as possible and wait to be sure she is in her office before I leave mine.

 

I don't know how this friendship went from best friend to worst enemy on her side so quickly and I have no idea what I could have done to cause this since she won't tell me. I have had problems with depression myself in the past and this episode has me back on meds for that; it helps with the pain but not my inability to understand any of this. I don't understand how she could have been my friend, how we could have been so close and how it has ended up like this.

Signed,
Depressed in Boston

 

ANSWER

Dear Depressed in Boston:

Your story is sad and hard to grasp for me, too. You say that you were "just friends" with this woman-in and out of the office-for almost a year and then the relationship seemed to deteriorate for no apparent reason.

 

My sense is that there had to be something that was going on in her personal life that you don't know about. Perhaps, her husband began to feel threatened by her office friendship. Or perhaps, while you were away on vacation, she realized that she had become more attached to you emotionally than was comfortable for her. I don't know the answers to these questions or whether I'm even raising the right possibilities. You probably don't either. The truth may be something she is unwilling to tell you or something that she doesn't fully understand herself.

 

That said, she made a unilateral decision to dump you and sealed the deal with a visit to HR. Then she began to collect "evidence" to build a case that your advances were unwelcome and had crossed the boundaries of a collegial relationship.

 

You haven't mentioned your response to HR and what they are "deciding." If the charges are serious and/or your job is in jeopardy, it would be wise to consult with an attorney. I'm also wondering how you handled this situation with your wife. Have you been able to be candid with her so you could depend on her for support? Finally, have you been totally forthcoming and honest with yourself in terms of your expectations of this friendship?

 

Clearly, you have no option now but to step back from the relationship with your co-worker and to limit any contact. Do not send her any emails or text messages at the office or at home.

 

Focus on maintaining your performance at work and on making sure you comply with any conditions that have been set forth by your employer. It's important that you work through your feelings about this upsetting situation outside the office: either with your wife, a trusted friend, or a mental health professional. If they have worked for you in the past, an antidepressant may be of help. If you feel the need and have the opportunity, you may want to transfer to another unit of your organization or change employment.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to accept that you may never have a complete understanding of what happened, just your side of the equation, and that you need to pick up the pieces as best you can and move forward.

I hope that this helps a little.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

A year ago, my best friend of 14 years gave birth to her twin boys. Their biological father has never been in their lives and my friend took him to court. She was awarded full legal and physical custody of the twins, which we were VERY happy about. Of course she asked me to be the twins godmother, a role which I gladly accepted.

 

Since day one, I have been a major part of the boys' lives. We've always been attached at the hip. My best friend doesn't drive so I'm the driver and we take the babies everywhere with us.

 

The problem I am having now is that I have completely fallen in love with those boys; I imagine that I love them just as much as their real mama does. Because of this special bond, I am so scared. My friend has some medical issues and if anything were to happen to her, the boys could easily be ripped away from me in a heartbeat, either by the biological father's family or my best friend's family. Most people wouldn't think that either side is mentally stable.

 

I am like a second mother to the boys yet I have no rights whatsoever. My friend wants me to be the one to raise them as my own IF anything were to ever happen to her, but we have no idea how to do this legally. What rights would a court give to a mothers "best friend?"

 

Most people assume we are gay, which doesn't offend me because, honestly, we are "soul mates" who just happen to not be in a physical relationship. Otherwise we act like a married couple raising two kids.

 

What should I do to reduce my level of stress and stop the nightmares? I have never loved anybody as much as I love my boys. I refer to them as my babies even when talking to my best friend! She is not the most responsible person and depends on me as well. She still lives with her grandparents and got knocked up by a crazy person who has now landed in jail for being a sex-offender.

 

Needless to say our lives are never dull and although technically I am a single woman without kids, I really feel like a single mother of three! LOL! Should I pursue some sort of legal "backup" so at least I would feel safe in knowing that if something were to ever happen to my best friend that I could be the boys' legal guardian? Or should I just let it go and pray for the best? I never thought I could love them so much and I don't want to lose them.

Thanks,
Casey

ANSWER

Dear Casey,

The question you posed is not a friendship problem, per se. You and your best friend really need legal advice. Your attachment and love for the two babies is understandable since you've been like a surrogate second parent since they were born---but you are not their mother, nor your friend's. The situation you describe sounds pretty unstable so, to some extent, I understand your fears.

 

The question you didn't ask me-whether or not this is a healthy friendship-is more appropriately in my bailiwick. I think you need to take a hard look at this complicated situation and sort out your feelings about your best friend, her children, and the rest of her family with a mental health professional. As you describe your best friend, she doesn't appear to have good judgment and is extremely dependent on you. Although you're crazy about the babies, is this the type of relationship you want for yourself or that would serve you well in the future?

 

The fact that you are having recurrent nightmares suggests that the friendship and your relationship with the boys has become so stressful that the first step you need to take is to figure out your hopes for YOUR future.

I hope this is helpful!

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Irene,

I wonder if you would ever post anything about the effect that socially withdrawn mothers have on their daughters' later friendship lives. My mother didn't have any close friends at all (just a cousin she hung around with and still does) and, in fact, disdains friendship even though she is into her 60s.

 

I never had any close friends either. I can't seem to connect with anyone, preferring to spend time alone, but I would like to be better balanced and, of course, have some decent relationships.

 

I can't help feeling like my mother set a poor example and that I was "raised by wolves" because my father also only has a couple close friends (he's down to one close friend, and this point).

 

Life without friends is HARD and yet I have spent so much time alone pursuing my own thing, by necessity. I feel like I have little in common with most women I meet; I spent my whole life reading books and doing creative things. The more time I spend alone, enriching myself, the harder it is to relate to others in a way that fosters friendship.

 

I also feel like no women would want to be friends with me because I don't have a circle of friends that they can network with. I sense that it's all about this big square dance of friendship networks and that if I don't "bring anything to the table" socially, other women won't want to have much to do with me when they find out who I really am - a solitary woman who doesn't want to be a full-time loner.

 

I don't want to live my mother's life yet I don't have any female role models who are into friendship (even my only aunt, my mother's sister, is a spinster loner, and my only sibling, a sister, also prefers to keep to herself). How does one break out of a family pattern of isolation?

 

Signed,
Lucia

 

ANSWER

Dear Lucia,

People differ along a variety of dimensions, including their interest in and ability to make friends. For some, connecting with others feels absolutely natural and comes easily; others find it difficult, if not painful. Some people are content to be left alone; others crave constant contact. Most people would agree that these differences among people, sometimes even between twins, are due to some combination of nature (genetic traits) and nurture (upbringing).

 

It sounds like you are shy and introverted, yet you are interested in making some friends. Your biggest roadblock may be your lack of self-confidence. The fact that you "spent your whole life" reading books and doing creative things doesn't diminish your desirability as a friend; rather, it should enhance it making you a more interesting person.

 

Maybe you could find a book, arts, or crafts group in your community that you could use as a training ground to practice your social skills. Participating in a small group, as opposed to one-on-one, will give you the opportunity to meet people in a safe setting to see if you "click" with anyone in the group.

 

In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I describe some of the basic techniques for making new friends. As hokey as it sounds, a smile and sincere expression of interest in another person are the first small steps towards making a new friend.

 

Meetup groups are good places to find other people who are interested in the same things as you and who want to affiliate with other people. You could also try signing up for an adult continuing education class at your local high school of community college.

 

You may feel like you were "raised by wolves" but it doesn't matter now. You're an intelligent adult who is responsible for your own happiness. You need to step up to the plate and begin making friends regardless of your family history.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

 

 

What would you say to Elin Nordegren (Mrs. Tiger Woods) if you were her BFF? Bad news can take many forms but the rules of friendship-on how to help a close friend who is dealing with bad stuff-are fairly universal.

 

What would you say to any friend who was experiencing an overwhelming personal problem? It might be the friend who didn't get into her dream school, the friend whose boyfriend broke off with her, the friend whose husband lost his job, the friend whose son's recent drug charges made their way into the local paper, the friend who had another miscarriage, the friend whose home has been foreclosed by the bank, the friend who was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer, the friend whose daughter has an obvious eating disorder, the friend whose young child was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the friend who suddenly lost her husband, or the office friend who was passed over for a promotion.

 

Although bad stuff happens all the time-at every age and stage of life-it's probably the first time your friend has been faced with this problem. As a result, she may feel confused, alone, victimized, and/or ashamed-and have trouble coping.

 

Here are some suggestions about what you might do as a friend:

 

1) Acknowledge that you know what happened

The story doesn't have to make the front page of US Weekly or the NY Post, but when people in your office, neighborhood, or circle of friends know that something bad went down, don't pretend that you don't-especially if you are a close friend.

Some people think it's impolite to acknowledge that they heard bad news or think that it isn't their place to say anything. They also may not know what to say. This leaves the friend in trouble feeling alone and isolated, even from her closest friends, and unsure why people are reacting that way. Do they know or not? Does their mean they blame her for what happened? Are her friends purposely distancing themselves from her? Are they uncomfortable talking about what happened? Think about how you would feel in similar circumstances. It's a very lonely place to be.

In the most general way, tell your friend that you heard about what happened and that you're so sorry she's in this situation. If your friend asks how you found out, be as honest as you can be without hurting her. If it was a third-person who told you, you don't need to name names.

 

2) Be a good listener and keep the questions to a minimum

She may not be ready to talk and may be unsure of her own feelings. Instead, prime yourself for being a good listener. Don't ask probing questions, prying for details that she doesn't want to discuss or isn't ready to divulge. Let her take the lead in the conversation. By listening, you'll be able to gauge her comfort level in what she's ready or not ready to talk about.

Remind your friend that she can trust you. Ensure her that you'll keep everything she tells you private and MEAN it. If someone has a public profile or has been deeply hurt by someone close to her, she may be particularly wary of other people-including good friends.

 

3) Offer your best advice

She may be grappling with a series of difficult decisions. For example, should she file for divorce, should she seek custody of the kids, should she leave for a vacation in Sweden, and should she talk to the press? It's hard to know what's right and wrong for a friend unless you are in her shoes and know all the facts. Yet, you only know part of the story-what you've heard or what you've been told, not what she's experienced.

My feeling is that friends expect to get unsolicited advice from their close friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that your friend will act upon it but at least you will have provided her with someone else's outside perspective-an opinion from someone who knows and cares about her.

If she rejects what you say, she may have not told you everything, she may not be ready to hear or act upon what you have to say, or she may simply have a different opinion. Unless your friend is engaging in obviously self-destructive behavior, you probably should step back and give her some time to consider or reject your advice.

 

4) Let her know that you are there for her

At times like this, women need their female friends. Tell her explicitly that you want to help out in any way you can. Even if you feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's 14 purported mistresses or the prognosis of her illness, let her know you are there for her in concrete ways. You can offer to watch the kids so she can have some time off or offer to drive her to treatments. Ask her what she needs. If she isn't able to tell you, make some suggestions.

Being there is a process rather than a one-time event. Check in with her periodically even if she doesn't feel like chatting. Keep the calls short or write her a brief note, telling her that you want her to know that you're thinking about her and are available to help when needed. If her needs or those of her family are overwhelming, ask her permission to organize a group of friends who can take turns, for example, bringing meals to the family on different evenings. Recognize that her needs may change over time.

 

5) Resist the temptation to tell her that you know how she feels

You may have experienced death, divorce or disability, but your experience may be far different than hers. Show respect to your friend by listening and responding to her personal experience rather than reciting your own. People need to find their own ways to understand and cope with bad news and loss.

 

I truly hope that Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren have good friends. Sometimes only our female friends can help us dig out of an emotional crisis by being there, providing support, and helping us recognize our own strengths.

 

What are some other ways that you can be there for a friend in trouble?

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

My friend Michelle, whom I've known over ten years, was a late relationship bloomer. She broke up with her first serious boyfriend about a year ago; they were together for three years. It destroyed her. But less than two weeks later, she was talking to him again. He didn't want to rekindle the relationship; he just wanted sex.

 

So for the past year she has had sex with him, but she isn't emotionally strong enough to have a friends-with-benefits relationship. She spends most of her time with him and his family but they all take advantage of her. She babysits his sister's kids for free and calls them her niece and nephew. She completely downgraded her career path so she could work part-time with two members of his family, whom she drives to work. She drives him around because he doesn't work.

 

She invited herself to their family camping trip in the summer; then they made her drive. I have talked to her about how unhealthy a situation it is for her to be in, but she refuses to see it. Today, it went too far. She met the family at the hospital to be there for the family, while their grandma was on her deathbed. I can appreciate being there for a friend, but she feels that she is family and entitled to be there for all of the private family moments.

 

She never let the relationship feelings go. He gets sex without any of the effort of treating her like a girlfriend, so I don't think he'll make the change. I should also mention that the family has made nothing but poor financial decisions; they have declared bankruptcy multiple times and right now the whole family is living in a rented home, using credit to buy things that they don't need. Since she met her ex, she works as little as possible and at 25 years old had to declare bankruptcy herself. Unfortunately, she hasn't learned anything about money since then, and I can see her making the same mistakes.

 

I love her so much and she has been one of my best friends since we were 14, but it hurts me to watch her throw her life away. I don't know what to do. Is there something that can help her see what's going on or should I cut her out?

Signed,
Laila

 

ANSWER

Dear Laila,

 

As you point out, Michelle has been sucked into this family that seems to be headed on a downward spiral. I suspect that she has such low self-esteem and is so needy for her boyfriend's affection that she is willingly doing whatever she can to remain involved with him.

 

As her friend, I understand how you would be concerned about her. I'm sure you've expressed your feelings about this situation to her more than once. Unfortunately, she seems to be "stuck" and is making a series of bad decisions regarding her career, finances and social relationships.

 

You can do two things for her as a friend: 1) Try to engage her in positive experiences with yourself and other people from time to time so her world isn't limited to that of her boyfriend and his family. 2) Suggest that she may benefit from some counseling to help her become more confident and independent.

 

She's an adul and even if you were her mother or her sister, you couldn't do much more than that. Whether it's drinking, gambling, work, or love, people often make bad decisions that are painful to watch for those who love them. If the friendship is too frustrating for you to sustain, you may have to tell her so. But leave the door open so she can come back to you if she is able to dig herself out of this pit.

Hope this is helpful.

Irene

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

 

I'm a mom of two girls, ages five and nine. I met another mom at the playground in May and we hit it off quite well, though my 5-year-old was a little slow to warm up to her 5-year-old. Since she and her family had just moved, she had not yet made friends in the area. We had similar interests so we kept up the friendship. She began to depend on me for her social life. Because I felt badly for her, I introduced her to friends and later found out that she'd been asking some with similarly aged kids for their phone numbers so they could get together for playdates.

 

I had invited her to join a newly-formed book group that I started and introduced her to my other friends there. Again, she started calling these friends for playdates without including my 5-year-old or me. Tonight, she carpooled to the book group with another friend of mine without even asking me. I felt so uncomfortable in the group that I started!

 

I don't know what to do or how to process this. She volunteers weekly in her daughter's kindergarten classroom yet she makes no attempts to cultivate friendships for her daughter with her classmates. I understand that she wants to connect with others and she admits that she doesn't have the best social skills, but at the same time I am feeling so uncomfortable with her dipping into my and my daughter's friend pool without trying to branch out on her own.

 

Everywhere I turn, she's making playdates left and right with my friends, granted some are not as close as others. We live in a small town but it can be just as hard for me to make friends around here. I am not a hugely social person by any stretch of the imagination and my first instinct is to pull away from these friends and her. I feel so upset. Do I talk to her about it? Is it likely she'll even understand? Do I just try to let it go?

 

Signed,
Friend-Poached

 

ANSWER

Hi Friend-Poached,

 

The etiquette governing female friendships is pretty murky. That's because the rules aren't really spelled out anywhere leaving a lot of room for interpretation and confusion (In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I try to provide a roadmap to help women negotiate these complex relationships.)

 

In your situation, you were very gracious in welcoming this woman to the neighborhood and in introducing her to your friends and their children, and then by inviting her to your book group. In return, you were poached, not once, but repeatedly.

 

It's understandable that your new friend wanted to make friends, and she may have felt some special connection with one of your friends but she did this repeatedly. She may have justified it to herself by saying that she was doing it for her daughter. But this pattern of poaching multiple friends suggests that you are dealing with someone who is narcissistic, insensitive, and disloyal. I can imagine how hurt and disappointed you must feel.

 

These are my suggestions:

* Tell this woman how hurt you felt about the carpooling incident. This situation is, perhaps, the clearest example of her transgressions and it may cause her to back off a bit. Maybe she wasn't aware of what she was doing.

* Don't introduce her to any other friends or acquaintances unless she apologizes and changes.

* Back off from spending time with her one-on-one too. The odds of you ever having a healthy friendship with her are slim.

* Don't pull away from your other friends. They haven't betrayed you in the way she did and my suspicion is that they will tire of her soon.

* Lastly, you may want to think about whether you were too welcoming too soon. Maybe you should have gotten to know her better before you involved her in various realms of your life.

 

I hope this helps you deal with this messy situation. Remember, she is the one who should feel awkward, not you. I've written about the topic of friend-poaching before but that post is focused on describing the occasional phenomenon rather than dealing with someone who Is a persistent poacher. Thanks for giving other readers and me the opportunity to think about this.

 

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have been reading the questions and answers on your website and finding them very helpful. I thought I would write and ask my own question. I have a friend with whom I'm currently going through a break up.

 

For a year or so, she's either ignored me or shut me out when she is going through something hard or is cross about something. I decided not to be close to her anymore as I find it too painful to be ignored for months on end and then treated like nothing has happened.

 

My dilemmas: We go to the same church, which is small so I see her every week. I try to say hello. Sometimes she will speak to me. Other times, she ignores me and I feel hurt all over again. How should I act around her?

 

Also our sons are good friends and haven't been spending much time together as we are not visiting each other's homes any more. I don't think it's fair to let our problems come between our sons' friendship (they are only 5), but having play dates would seem weird to me and I'm not sure what to do about this.

 

We have been friends for the past ten years and I'm having issues letting go so I feel guilty and think she is just reacting to me not being so friendly with her.What do you suggest about our son thing and how to just move on when I see her every week?

Thanks
Sheila

ANSWER

Dear Sheila:

If this situation has been going on for about a year, I presume that you've tried to talk to your friend about it without any satisfactory resolution. You really have no choice but to move on.

 

Breaking up is never easy but if you've truly decided the relationship is over, the answers to your questions are straightforward:

 

1) Always say hello and act cordially at church, regardless of your friend's response. You live in the same community and will invariably see one another. if you take the high road, you'll be able to feel good about it.

 

2) In terms of your kids, at the age of 5, parents still determine friendships. Given your current relationship with your once-friend, I'd advise against setting up play dates for your sons. You're right. It would be too uncomfortable.

 

Like most breakups, yours isn't simple---especially because children are involved as well. It reminds me of another breakup question I recently answered. In that instance. too, a friend withdrew without explanation when she was besieged by personal problems. When this happens, it leaves the abandoned friend feeling helpless and hurt. Since your situation with your friend is recurrent, you need to find other friends who are more stable and predictable. You've tried to be there for her over and over and she has only rebuffed you.

Hope this is helpful,

Irene