advice

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

After years of friendship, my relationship with a colleague was damaged while both of us were enduring major losses in our lives. I think I managed to keep my issues out of the workplace, but hers caused her to be very angry. Unfortunately, most of her anger was directed at me. I suppose she decided I was the weakest link at the time.

 

She was nasty to everyone around her but even they would admit that her new hobby was attacking me. It was so stressful that my heart beat faster when I saw her name in my inbox; there was a good chance the message would be some kind of attack or insult. I eventually removed myself from the toxic situation several years ago and gained some distance between us. Since that time, I speak when spoken to, basically, but never reach out or contact her. She is no longer my colleague and I do not HAVE to stay connected although we do have mutual friends.

 

She recently sent me a friend request on Facebook and I accepted it, thinking that if I didn't, she would interpret that as a rejection and start attacking again. In hindsight, I wish I had ignored it because she then sent me a very nasty Facebook message. It was inappropriate and unprovoked, but it showed who she is at her core -- somebody who isn't a nice person.

 

I think I have four options: Respond (which isn't really a choice as far as I'm concerned); Do nothing; Hide my wall and its comments from her (so that my name doesn't show up on her news feed and remind her that she hasn't attacked me lately) or Unfriend her. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Ms. No Name

ANSWER

Dear Ms. No Name,

Facebook has added a new layer of complexity to the world of friendship---both in terms of whom we friend and defriend, and in terms of how we hande online frenemies. You aren't the only one grappling with these problems. (BTW - Complicated Facebook privacy settings don't make it any easier!)

 

In this case, your once-real friend is still a hostile person. This time it seeped out in the form of a nasty Facebook message. You have learned a hard lesson: Time may pass but character endures. So what do you do now? You have no obligation or reason to respond to a vicious email so I'm glad you eliminated that option.

 

You shouldn't have to worry about a frenemy lurking each time you post so I would hide your wall and comments from her. The only reason to keep her as a Facebook "friend" would be to keep an eye on her and on your reputation.

 

Yuk! So sorry this happened to you.

Best,
Irene

 

This is a "lifeline" question: Anyone else have a similar problem---how did you resolve it?

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

My dearest best friend of 35 years died in March. She had Alzheimer's disease, so it had been several years since I was able to have a conversation with her, but I could still visit and see her. Her death has devastated me.

 

Before she became ill, we spoke almost every day, and often met for a cup of coffee, lunch, shopping, visiting a museum, or seeing a show, etc. She wrote a book that is carried by many museums, and we used to get a kick out of seeing it in their bookshops. We lived only 15 minutes apart. Our husbands even liked each other.

 

We shared so many things: a love of art, literature, humor, clothes, gossip, and much more. In all those years, we never had a fight---maybe a slight disagreement, but never a fight. I now feel bereft and totally alone, even though I am happily married and have other friends. Of those I have, no one can come near to replacing her. My husband understands my loss, but can't fill that empty space.

 

I have kind of resigned myself to knowing that I will never have a friendship again with that kind of width and depth. It's not a matter of not having other friends. I just have little desire to be with them. When my best friend was alive, I didn't mind spending some time with other friends also, but now, I have little desire to. When I do, it feels like I'm just "making do", and I feel terrible for even thinking that. How does one readjust from this kind of loss? Or, maybe you just don't.

Sincerely,
Lindsay

 

ANSWER

Dear Lindsay.

It sounds like you found and lost a kindred spirit in your friend. Given all the experiences and emotions you shared, there must be constant reminders of the friendship---tinged with even greater sadness because you watched your friend slowly deteriorate.

 

Perhaps, you need to allow yourself a fallow period before you can reach out to other friends. When you do feel like being with other women (which you will), resist the temptation to compare other friendships to this one.

 

Remember that each friendship is unique and this one-of-a-kind friendship has helped you become the person---and the friend---you are today. You are fortunate that you have savored what few others have in a lifetime. More pleasant memories will surface when the sadness recedes with time.

 

One other thought to consider: If your sadness isn't confined to your friendships and you've lost interest in things that were once pleasurable, you may be feeling depressed. Sometimes depression manifests itself as a sense of hopelessness; difficulties concentrating; or changes in sleep patterns, appetite, or energy levels. (Click here to see more about the signs and symptoms of depression). If this is the case, talking to a mental health professional might help you get over the hump.

 

Recovering from the death or a loved one is never easy. In this case, the difficulty may be compounded because few others can understand the closeness of your friendship and the pain of your loss.

My thoughts are with you.

Warmest regards,
Irene

Have you ever sat down for lunch with a friend who talks non-stop---without giving you the slightest chance to get a word in edgewise? You begin to feel like you turned on a TV set, helplessly trying to interact with a very boring re-run.

 

Your friend tells you every trite detail of what has transpired since the last time you were together and then, without skipping a breath, reaches further back into the past and tells you stories you've already heard. Your friend's speech is pressured and feels unrelenting.

 

If you like the person well-enough to want to remain friends, here are five tips for making that lunch easier to digest:

1) Try interrupting periodically

Don't feel shy about changing the topic, or directly asking your friend to slow down or stop for a minute so you can have a turn to speak. Given the situation, it isn't rude or impolite. If you're lucky, you may startle the heck out of your friend, disrupt a pattern of one-way conversation, and seize an opportunity to speak and be heard.

2) Be cautious about inadvertently encouraging more of the same

When you're totally bored, don't feign interest by asking questions or giving the yakker other types of positive feedback, perhaps in the form of head nods or ah-ha's. If you look disinterested or glance at your watch, the talker may slow down.

3) Don't label or call the person names

Yes, your friend is probably self-centered, narcissistic and insecure---but if you mention this, the person will only become more defensive, and it may exacerbate the problem rather than solve it. Remember, you're at lunch, not at therapy or a coaching session and you have the right to expect reciprocity.

4) Identify "not being able to get a word in" as a problem for YOU

If you are truly a good friend, tell your friend bluntly---but kindly---that you are feeling frustrated when you get together. Tell your friend that you need and want more give and take in your conversations. If you're lucky and your friendship is solid, the person may have a glimmer of self-insight.

5) If you can't change your friend's behavior, you may have to change your relationship

 

If your friend continues to drone on each time you get together, which is the most likely outcome, you either have to accept the person as-is---or downgrade the relationship: The incessant talker may actually be more tolerable and entertaining in small doses; or else, the intensity of the person's chatter might be diluted proportionately if you get together within a group of common friends instead of in a twosome.

 

If you do decide to call it quits, you'll recoup time to nurture other friendships with people with whom you can have more meaningful and balanced conversations. One more tip, don't' worry. The friend who talks too much will probably find someone else to listen. When someone talks incessantly, there's always a new audience within easy reach---friends, family, or colleagues.

 

What successful strategies have you used to handle an incessant talker?

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm 45 years old and feel like a 7th grader due to a mutual friend situation. I have been good friends with two neighbors for over 10 years. I introduced them last year and they hit it off great. I was so happy for them because they both have a lot of time on their hands and now they have each other. It kind of took the pressure off of me because I don't have a lot of free time.

 

However, lately, they invite me to some parties but sometimes make plans and do not include me ☹. It is mostly Friend #1 who likes to tell me they have dinner plans but doesn't even bother to invite me---while knowing I have no plans for the night. Friend #2 always asks if Friend #1 called and invited me. Because I know them both more than they know each other I would think they would include me. Friend #1 goes out of her way to say she made plans with the other friend.

 

If I had a free night I would never think of inviting one without the other. It isn't that Friend #1 prefers to be with Friend #2; she does the same twosome thing with me, excluding friend #2. She explains that she likes her "alone time" with her friends and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I guess I don't understand. We all get along great and I think its kind of rude when I have a free night but sit home alone because she wants her alone time.

 

Tomorrow is Friend #2's birthday and I asked Friend #1 what the plans were. She said she made plans to go out with our mutual friend but never even asked if I wanted to go. Why wouldn't I? It's my friend's B-day too!

 

Friend #1 says I am acting like a teenager but I think it's the other way around. I don't care how old you are. Everyone likes to be included---although it doesn't have to be all the time. It is very hurtful, especially when all three of us get along great. What kind of friend is she? She does this with all her friends! It's so frustrating! What do you think? Any suggestions?

Signed,
Laura

 

ANSWER

Dear Laura,

Under these circumstances, feeling hurt is understandable whether you're in seventh grade or in your seventh decade. You introduced two long-time friends to each other and suddenly you're on the outside looking in.

 

Several other readers have written to me about friend poaching and each time, I realize that the "rules" for how to handle it are rather murky. Because this situation is fairly common, I discuss friend poaching in my book and have also addressed it in these prior posts:

 

• Friend Poaching or Social Networking: What's the difference?

• A Friend Poached One Too Many Times

• Spinning Out of Control: It's Painful to Lose Friends and Disturbing to Lose Clients

 

With regard to your specific situation, Friend #1 has the right to prefer twosomes to groups. That's okay. And once you introduced her to Friend #2, it is acceptable for them to have a separate relationship. To her credit, she has been upfront with you about what she's doing but she also seems self-centered and insensitive to your feelings. Leaving you out of the birthday bash is taking things too far. Telling you that you're acting like a teenager compounds the hurt because she is, in essence, saying that it's inappropriate for you to feel the way you do. I disagree.

 

In acquiescing to the preferences of Friend #1, Friend #2 has also been somewhat insensitive to your feelings---particularly, given your long history.

 

Both friends already know you feel hurt. I don't think there's anything more you can say to make Friend #1 change her mind or to Friend #2, who seems to follow along with the program. As I see it, your only choice is to accept these relationships as they are and/or use this as an opportunity to seek out new relationships that are more inclusive and hassle-free.

 

I realize that your dilemma isn't an easy one and that this has to be incredibly uncomfortable since they're both your neighbors.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

No relationship is ever perfect, including our friendships. But if you're reading this, I'm sure you agree that warm and trusting friendships are vital to our happiness and well-being---despite their occasional disappointments and confusing moments.

To help you avoid the potential landmines and answer the hard questions that are bound to crop up in any friendship, enter your email address in the box to your right to receive free weekly email updates with links to my latest posts.

The Friendship Blog will continue to offer useful information, advice, and inspiration---and I hope that you will continue to participate in the dialogue. Please tell your friends and pass this opportunity on to them!

Best,

Dr. Irene S. Levine
The Friendship Doctor on The Huffington Post and Psychology Today

 

P.S. If you previously signed up to receive occasional newsletters, you don't need to do anything to receive the new updates.

QUESTION:

Hi Irene,

I love your blog and read it all the time; you offer such great advice. Now I have some problems of my own and was wondering if you could help me. I‘ve had the same best friend for ten years; we went to uni together and even lived together after university. In January, we both decided to take a career break, traveling round Asia and New Zealand for a year and working as we went along. After a few weeks, our friendship deteriorated badly, partly because of the stress of spending every day together for two months and both of us feeling money/job pressures, etc. Also, lots of things happened that made me doubt our friendship and whether I could trust her.

 

We had a big fight and she moved out of our hostel, which was fine. By that time, we both had jobs and had met lots of friends so neither of us was on our own. I thought we would have a few weeks space and get back on track. But I haven't heard from her for six months and don't even know where she is living anymore. All I see are Facebook updates every now and then. The last read "Going to Fiji tomorrow." I don't know if she's living there or just went for a holiday.

 

I tried to message her twice on Facebook, to let her know I was willing to re-open communication but received no reply; that was five months ago. But I'm actually a happier person now the friendship is over. I realize she was more of a frenemy than a friend but I'm very confused.

 

1. So far I haven't said anything to our mutual friends except "I haven't seen her for a while. We're having space, etc. (nothing that could be seen as me being bitchy.)" But now it's been six months. Do I need to tell our mutual friends we've "split" (just so they know the score)? Currently it's like the elephant in the corner. No one mentions it; they all talk to me like normal, like I came out here on my own, and I assume they treat her the same.

 

2. What happens when I go home to London? - ALL our friends are mutual friends. Is it a case of whoever goes home first keeps the friends? Surely if she goes home first and tells them what a cow I am and gets her story in first then I'll have no friends to return to. Even if they don't get involved, they'll feel awkward about the situation and may distance themselves from both of us.

 

3. This girl is still my Facebook friend but won't speak to me. I know it seems petty but every now and again I think about deleting her. She wouldn't speak to me when I tried to patch things up. She DOES NOT deserve to be on my friends list but how will deleting her look to our mutual friends?

 

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm really worried as I might have to leave NZ soon and return to London and basically we shared everything - a house, friends, etc. Now I don't know how to return to that life without her...maybe a fresh start somewhere new is the only option.

Cheers,
Jenna

 

ANSWER

Hi Jenna,

It sounds like you had a great ten-year run with your friend and grew up together. After graduation many friendships unravel as people grow in different directions and get a better sense of the person they are or want to become.

 

Unfortunately, there is often stigma and shame associated with a friendship breakup because our society judges women by their ability to make and keep friends. Pop culture reinforces the myth that friendships should be forever so when a friendship falls apart, there is no one to turn to for support. Women fear if they tell others what has happened, especially men, it will be viewed as a catfight. They are reluctant to tell other women, lest they be looked down upon as a bad friend. In this case, you may have ordinarily turned to your once-BFF because she is the person with whom you could share intimate feelings.

 

In terms of your questions, you need to be open with your friends in New Zealand and London about the proverbial elephant in the room. You don't need to spill details, bad-mouth a person who once was your friend, or feel embarrassed. Simply tell them that spending so much time together oversees and under stressful conditions, put a strain on the relationship and you grew apart. If any friends distance themselves because of this, they weren't really friends. Telling them in advance will put you in a stronger position than if you had said nothing and if they only find out about your tiff from your friend.

 

Regarding the matter of remaining Facebook friends, that's up to you. Over time, you may find that you and your uni buddy are able to reconnect and develop a different, less intense, type of relationship based on your shared memories and mutual friends.

 

You have nothing to feel ashamed about and don't need to leave town! While it was unfortunate that you had a "big fight," you were able to recognize that this relationship wasn't a healthy one and things have worked out for the best. Time will help you feel better once the breakup is out of the closet.

Hope this helps.

My best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Last October I discovered that my only sister, who is two years older than me, has been stealing the money I send to take care of my mother in Mexico. She was managing a property I have in Mexico. The rent had always been used to pay for our mother's expenses. My sister didn't deny what she had done when I confronted her by email.

 

Because she refused to return the papers (the leasing contract and the legal papers tenants have to sign in Mexico), I couldn't collect the rent and had to sue her to get them back. She did it out of meanness; she knows very well that these monies have always been used to pay for some of my mother's expenses. She doesn't need the money either.

 

Not only I am hurt---but I'm furious that after stealing the money, she isn't helping financially or taking care of our mother. I have to do it all from 2,000 miles away. It is so unfair that she has washed her hands completely even though my mother adores her and was such a good and responsible mother. I can't understand or explain my sister's behavior, which is baffling, unsettling and infuriating.

 

I try to detach myself but then, every day I have to deal with one more problem with the employees or pay for additional expenses and it is hard not to be mad at my sister. I do biofeedback and relax every night, which helps, but the anger is still there. I also started a blog to deal with these feelings.

 

I know you talk about friendship but in many ways a sister is (should be) like a close friend, isn't it? Do you have any suggestions about how to deal with this anger and frustration?

Signed,
Carmen

 

ANSWER

Dear Carmen,

It's been said many times: We choose our friends but we can't choose our family. As nice as it is to have a sister who is also a close friend, it sounds like your relationship with your sister has spiraled downward. When a relationship between siblings goes awry, it is especially painful because it's someone with whom you've grown up and have shared so many firsts. It's understandable you would be disappointed: Your sister abused your trust and seems to feel no obligation, as you do, to provide for your mother.

 

Although your sister is living in Mexico and you aren't, it's clear that you can't depend on her either as a property manager or as a caregiver. Unfortunately, you need to sever your business/financial connections with her and arrange for the money from the leased property to go directly into a bank account under your control.

 

Your first priority has to be overseeing your mother's care. You can't force your sister to do so or to contribute financially, so this leaves you only two choices: either to move your mother closer to you or to make proper arrangements to protect her health and safety where she is. Despite the expense and inconvenience, you may have to travel to Mexico to assess what's happening and put a better plan in place.

 

If you do go, your sister may realize just how much you care and decide she wants to pitch in too. It will also give you the opportunity to talk face to face. If that doesn't happen, your relationship with her may have to be placed on a back burner. She will have to live with her own decisions.

 

I don't fully understand the pressures that led your sister to feel so alienated from you and your mother but, unfortunately, this situation is more common than you would imagine. She may have problems you don't know about, either emotional or financial, or may simply resent being the one on the front line.

 

The best way to reduce your anger is to use your energy to resolve the caregiving crisis. Additionally, journaling, blogging, and biofeedback are all helpful techniques for reducing stress. I especially hope you have a friend---who is more like the sister you wish you had---to provide support to you during this difficult time.

My best,
Irene

 

Have a friendship question or dilemma? Ask The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am currently engaged to a boy I met in college and we're looking forward to our upcoming wedding. The issue is with a friend of both of ours from college. She recently moved into our town and now expects us to spend ALL of our free time with her!

 

We are 30 years old now, so constantly entertaining friends has fallen to the bottom of the list as family, the wedding, saving for our future, and setting up a new home are all of more importance at this stage in life. I am so annoyed by the constant calling, stopping by our home, and calls to my fiancé after I tell her that we have a busy week planned.

 

In the last two weeks of May, she called my fiancé 16 times in 11 days! Even as a friend, that seems excessive to call someone else's fiancé so many times. I'm completely put off by her and no longer want the friendship. How do I tell someone who has become very negative, cynical and needy that they are no longer welcome? I would prefer to never have to see her again.

Thank you.
Bonnie

 

ANSWER

Dear Bonnie,

It sounds like your friend, who is new to your town, is trying to pick up the relationship she had with you and your fiancé from college. Not every friendship has staying power over time and as far as you are concerned, this one has fizzled out.

 

When someone is so needy and intrusive, you need to be direct and clear about boundaries and expectations. Tell her explicitly that you and your fiancé are consumed with planning your wedding and really have no time for socializing. Also tell her that you don't want her to drop in unexpectedly and that you both are too busy to take phone calls. You can say that you realize she is new to town and suggest that she branch out and make new friends.

 

Since your friend has also had a relationship with your husband, both you and he have to be on the same page about her. If she called him 16 times in 11 days, could he possibly be encouraging her? His message needs to be consistent with yours. If you and your fiancé agree that she is encroaching on your time, it might be a good idea to get on the phone together with her.

 

I know this isn't easy or pleasant to do but if you are certain you want to have nothing further to do with her, this approach should give her the message.

I hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I met my former BFF on the first day of college almost nine years ago. A year later, I went to a party she was throwing and met my now fiancé, who is great friends
with her brothers. She was always a high maintenance friend; she was more concerned with having tons of friends and living the wild college life, rather than issues I was struggling with at 19 (becoming financially independent from my parents, paying for school on my own, and keeping a roof over my head). I stopped talking to her after a year out of frustration with the way she degraded my struggle to pay to fix my broken down car and suggested I just ask my parents for the money.

 

Three months later, my boyfriend and I moved 800 miles away. When she and her brother came to visit us, I was forced to spend time with her. It was on this visit that we rekindled our friendship and soon declared ourselves BFF's. We took several summer trips, visited each other regularly, emailed daily, discussed and analyzed every possible reason for her not finding success in dating: what was wrong with her, what was wrong with the guys she dated, why she couldn't find love, how she wanted to get married and have babies.

 

I started to see what mutual friends had told me---that everything was always about her. Then she lost her job. At the same time, I had some really scary health issues. Instead of listening and giving me moral support, she told me there was nothing I could do and we needed to stop talking about it. I was scared, in pain and crushed at her response. I stopped participating in daily IM sessions, replied to emails curtly and focused on the issues I was dealing with, without the support of my BFF.

 

A few months later, I told her I was upset she wasn't interested in the important issues things I was dealing with and how her comments felt sarcastic, insincere and condescending. She brushed me off so she could continue talking about her own problems: her misery in her job, dealing with a new boyfriend, moving in together, "Oh no! He hasn't called he must be cheating." Her immaturity, selfishness and narcissism began to grate on my nerves. I tried to be a patient, kind and supportive friend, but it just wasn't fun anymore.

 

The last straw was when two friends got engaged and she told me that she just couldn't be happy for one of them. She went on and on about how SHE wanted to be
engaged and why wasn't her boyfriend ready after 9 months. When we discussed my impending engagement plans, the conversation always circled back to her wedding plans. When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't want to tell her because I knew she would downplay the intimate, perfect way that my boyfriend asked me to be his wife. I didn't want to be brushed off.

 

I stopped IM'ing and made excuses about being busy. I acknowledged all of her contact but kept things simple and short. Then I formally announced my engagement and sent her an email with the good news. She replied angrily about how I could do such a thing over email. I told her that she had hurt my feelings when she flipped the conversation about my engagement to her wedding plans, and that wasn't what I expected from my BFF. She demanded specific examples of what she did wrong, that my generalizations weren't enough. I didn't reply, I've been enjoying my engagement and planning my wedding. For the first time in years, I feel free. I feel energized. I don't come home from work after long IM sessions with her feeling that the life is sucked out of me.

 

Last week, she and her boyfriend both sent me emails asking that we work things out, telling me that she is devastated and will do anything to make things right. There isn't anything to work out. I don't want to be friends anymore. She isn't the type of friend I want in my life. I want to surround myself with friends that are energizing, friendships that both give and take, and women who are fun to be around. I replied that I couldn't be the friend that I wanted to be at this time in my life. My question is how I can end this cycle of emails from her. I don't want to deliberately hurt her, but she isn't listening to what I'm saying and ignoring her isn't giving me the result I want. I would really appreciate your help!

Kind regards,
Jane

 

ANSWER

Dear Jane,

When two people share so much history together, it's always hard to end a friendship, even one that is hanging by a thread. In this case, an added complication is that you met your fiancé through your friend, and have a relationship with her brothers. I understand, too, why you wouldn't want to hurt someone who once was your friend.

 

When you were in college, you may have been looking for different things in your friendships. Now you are quite clear that she isn't the type of friend you want: She is extremely self-centered and narcissistic and you aren't able to either share your problems or your happiness with her.

 

While the rules of friendship sometimes feel murky, it is totally reasonable to surround yourself with the kinds of friends you want. It was a great idea to tell her that "you" can't be the kind of friend you want to be at this time. There is no use in blaming her or providing more examples and details of what's; whatever more you could say isn't going to change her or your feelings towards her.

 

Be sure to give your fiancé a heads up about your plans (because he is involved through his relationship to her brothers) and end the cycle of emails by making the firm decision not to respond to them any more. Then let your friend know that you will not be responding to future emails.

I hope this is helpful.

Best regards,
Irene

 

Have a friendship problem or dilemma? Send it to The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My husband and I were very close friends with another couple who betrayed and hurt us deeply. They made twisted and false accusations about our marriage, my upbringing, my mental state, etc. They shared this with our neighbors and friends but luckily, it did not affect how our neighbors treated us. If we didn't have a strong marriage, I don't think we would have made it through this turmoil.

 

The husband's last conversation with my husband was about how his wife (my best friend) had feelings for my husband and didn't think I was good enough for him. She had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed as being paranoid (delusional) and alcoholic. She was very unhappy in her marriage so she came up with sinister and twisted comments. I think she was jealous of my happy marriage and life and convinced herself it was me that had everything wrong in my life.

 

This experience shook us to our core and we haven't recovered. My question is how do we get over this anger and hatred we feel towards them? We find ourselves lying in bed at night talking about it and getting our emotions all fired up. If their names come up in conversation, we starting thinking about them and get angry again and talk about them endlessly. We know we have to move on but we are not making progress.

 

Now summer is coming upon us when all of our friends come out of the woodwork and we all have parties and run in the same social circles. People are asking us where they are and what happened. We are trying to take the higher ground and just say we haven't talked to them in awhile. We don't say why but it's very hard to hold back sometimes. I am afraid I might have a few glasses of wine and talk a little too much.

 

o some extent, this has damaged our sense of trust with our current friends. We don't want to do much socially and we are wary of people's intentions towards us. We don't want to be this way because we are very social people and we entertain frequently. I don't want the essence of whom we are to change because of this couple. I have read your book and it has helped tremendously. However, any specific feedback from you would be appreciated and helpful.

Signed,
Judy

 

ANSWER

Dear Judy,

I am so sorry that you and your husband were victimized in this way. It had to be very painful both to lose close friends and to feel so betrayed. You are fortunate that you have a strong marriage and could count on one another for support.

 

While your girlfriend's illness doesn't absolve her from blame, it may be easier to forgive her if you accept that she probably didn't have control over her destructive behavior. Her husband may have felt that he had to defend his wife or may have actually been swayed into believing her (sometimes called a folie a deux).

 

Given what happened, it sounds like you are handling this as well as you can. You are right to take the high road to get over it; there's no sense in involving other people in this mess. It may take time to rebuild your trust but given that you like to socialize and be with other people, I think you will be able to get back in the swing of things and realize, with hindsight, how truly aberrant this particular situation was. It is unlikely to be repeated. One other suggestion: At this point, try to limit your bedtime conversations about this topic so you don't find yourselves losing sleep and ruminating about an unfortunate, once-in-a-lifetime chapter in your friendship history.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

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