the Friendship Doctor

The dirty little secret no one talks about...

 

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don't last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there's a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

 

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure---relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets---our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings---resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

 

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it's not surprising that friendships fray. Anne's story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

 

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

 

1) Communicate

There's a wall of silence between you. She isn't answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven't seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there's any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what's wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

 

2) Apologize, if you should

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong-or who didn't do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn't going to work.

 

3) Forgive, if you can

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

 

4) Take a break

You've approached your friend to sort out the problem and you've been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

 

5) Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

 

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren't clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they're likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about---except on The Friendship Blog.com.

 

This post, by me, is the third in a weeklong series of posts by the bloggers involved in The Friendship Circle as part of The Month of Friendship. The blogs include: Girlfriendology, GirlfriendCelebrations, GirlfriendCircles, MWFSeekingBFF, and TheFriendshipBlog.

 

 

 

 

 

(More than a decade ago, Kappa Delta Sorority created Friendship Day and then turned it into a month-long of celebration of friendship, National Women's Friendship Month. This year my blogger buddies are hopping on that moving train to celebrate The Month of Friendship.)

 

This first guest post in a weeklong series is written by my friend and colleague, Debba Hauppert. Debba is the founder of Girlfriendology.com, the online community of women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Each day this week you'll be reading posts from the five founding members of The Friendship Circle. Wednesday is my day! After you've read the posts, I'm sure you'll want to check out the other websites too!) Read on. Here's Debba's post ...

Admit it. We love to celebrate holidays.

 

Some because we get the day off work (thank you Presidents Lincoln and Washington), some out of respect (Labor Day and Memorial Day), some based on relationships like Mother's Day and Father's Day. We show our love on Valentine's Day, our gratitude on Thanksgiving and our history on the 4th of July. We even go so far as to recognize our passions with National Ice Cream Month and Rubber Duckie Day, our fears - National Mold Awareness Month (yikes!) and pretend everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day.

 

We've got a holiday for just about everything - very event, passion, religion and quirk that we want to recognize, acknowledge, draw attention to and celebrate.

 

But what about celebrating the unique relationship that is known to make women healthier, happier, less stressed, live longer and even feel more beautiful? Doesn't that warrant a special celebration? Doesn't the combination of raised self esteem, being given the gift of laughter when you wanted to cry, having someone to call when you get bad news or just knowing you have a friend who won't let you down deserve its own celebration?

 

WE think so.

 

WE are a group of women who are following our passion of inspiring women to connect, appreciate and celebrate female friendships. We are five writers and friendship experts who have partnered together to promote the benefits of female friendship, ideas on how to connect with and celebrate friends, insights into all aspects of friendship and general ‘girlfriend advice' for women. We blog, speak, publish, tweet and inspire female friendship every way we can.

 

We are the Friendship Circle.

 

We all believe that we should celebrate female friendship. So we're partnering in September for a Month of Friendship to bring attention to the need that women have to prioritize their friendships, to provide inspiration on spending time with and celebrating those friendships, and to highlight the benefits in store for females who have strong bonds with their girlfriends.

 

Who are WE? We're glad you asked!

The Friendship Blog - Produced by psychologist, professor of psychiatry, and author Dr. Irene S. Levine (The Friendship Doctor), The Friendship Blog is the only authoritative place for women on the internet to anonymously ask and receive advice about their friendship problems and dilemmas. The blog was created in 2007 and helped create the platform for Dr. Levine's recent book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend. Follow Irene on Twitter.

 

GirlfriendCelebrations - is the premier source of girls night ideas on the web. Founded by friends Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop in 2005, the blog offers original ideas for girls night in, girls night out, girlfriend get-togethers and girlfriend getaways. Believing that "Girlfriends Make Life BetterTM," these girlfriends take women beyond "bunco" and deliver fun and meaningful ways for female friends to stay connected. Girlfriend Celebrations on Facebook and Twitter.

 

GirlFriendCircles.com - The only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas. In over 25 cities and growing fast, women between 21-65, are matched and introduced to each other in small groups at local cafes and wine bars to meet other women who value expanding their circle of face-to-face friends. Founder Shasta Nelson, a life coach, blogs weekly on women's friendship issues. On Facebook and Twitter.

Girlfriendology.com - The online community for women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Girlfriendology offers inspiring blogs, BlogTalkRadio podcast interviews with amazing women, girlfriend gifts, online communities and more. Founded in 2006 by Debba Haupert, Girlfriendology has a large and growing social media community of 19k+ Twitter followers (& we block men!) and 7k+ female Facebook fans. On Facebook and Twitter.

 

MWF Seeking BFF - Written by Rachel Bertsche, MWF Seeking BFF chronicles the author's search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love. In her daily posts, Bertsche reveals anecdotes from her quest, shares resources for meeting new people, and wonders about modern-day friendship conundrums. MWF Seeking BFF the book will be published by Ballantine in early 2012. Follow Rachel on Twitter.

 

The Month of Friendship kicks off TODAY and will feature a cross-platform series of blog posts on each of the five participating websites. Each founder will each write a post in her particular area of expertise, with one post appearing on all five websites each day.

 

So girlfriend, you're invited to join us on this fun, friend-filled month with the Friendship Circle. Follow these daily blogs, join our Facebook pages and get in the conversation about the incredible blessings and benefits of girlfriends. And, like girlfriends do, share these blogs with your girlfriends. Together we can influence women to support each other, reach out to women in need of a friend and to be the kind of girlfriend we'd love to have.

Celebrate The Month of Friendship with The Friendship Circle!

Do you ever feel---as the years pass---that you seem to be hemorrhaging friends? Maybe the language is a bit overly-dramatic but most women of a certain age begin to notice that many once-friends, even very close ones, begin to slowly slip out of their lives---sometimes for no apparent reason.

I was pleased to be interviewed by Sally Koslow, who wrote an excellent article on this very topic that appears in the September 2010 issue of More Magazine. 

 

Friends Interrupted highlights some of the reasons why middle-age friendships are so vulnerable to change. It also offers some creative approaches for stemming the flow. Koslow is the author of three novels; the latest is With Friends Like These. 

Sally writes:

I'm a born-again shy person, not the type to buzz through life in a swarm of friends or even a tight group of beloved Ya-Yas. And yet I thought I'd mastered friendship. At my 30th and 40th birthday parties, a satisfying number of warm, wonderful women shared my cake. This seemed providential, given that research tells us friendship may be as essential to good health as not weighing 400 pounds. The Harvard Nurses' Health Study is one of many bodies of research showing that the more buddies we have, the less likely we are to become ill as we age. So I feel all the more freaked out that lately I've noticed friendships becoming harder to start and harder to sustain.

You'd think that as fully vested adults, we'd have this thing down. But no. I keep hearing women lament that relationships they once considered indestructible have become casualties of various life assaults: divorce, widowhood, relocation, the empty nest, workplace bitch-slaps, health problems, glaring schadenfreude or, the most common reason of all, a simple drifting apart. Irene S. Levine, professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, claims that "the large majority of friendships are not forever." Say it ain't so, Irene! But the available evidence supports her conclusion...

 

Click here to read the article in its entirety.

 

You may wish to read this prior post on The Friendship Blog that offers some additional tips for resolving a friendship deficit.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My friend and I are very close and she's recently been under a lot of stress. A family member is dying and she is caring for this person. For about two months, she's been unable to listen to anything I say. If I don't agree with her completely, she angrily says I am not listening. No matter what I say, she says I‘m wrong.

 

I've been trying to be the best supportive friend I can be while her relative is dying. I, too, have cared for a dying relative; I know what it's like. However, even my most caring letters are returned correcting whatever I've said.

 

It's not that she's normally an oasis of serenity - she isn't. I usually am the person she can tell anything to, so I have heard all her complaints. Normally, this is okay as it is tempered with humor and two-way conversation. Now, even when I listen actively, reflecting back what she's saying, she angrily corrects me. I realize her behavior is not about me and she's under stress. However, I'm unwilling to be treated this way.

 

Because my friend's in another country and our communications are by email, I want to write a supportive note that sets a boundary. No matter what I say, she'll probably react with anger, but at least I can write something that is respectful of myself and of her.

 

She seems to have lost faith in me and does not presume any goodwill on my part. If that were true, why would she want me in her life? How can I communicate with her in a way so I'm not kicking her when she's down?

Signed,
Wendy

 

ANSWER

Dear Wendy,

No two people experience death in the same way, and even though you've cared for a dying relative, you can't completely understand---especially from afar---how your friend is feeling and what's she's dealing with. Cut your friend some slack; now isn't the time to set boundaries.

 

Your friend seems quick to anger and sensitive to any perceived criticism. You know her peccadilloes and seem to have accepted them. Yet, as you've witnessed, a person's worst tendencies can be exaggerated under stress.

 

Continue to offer your friend support by way of brief, regular emails but refrain from offering any unsolicited advice at this time or telling her that you know what she's going through. This is likely to be a temporary blip in your relationship that will resolve itself. If it doesn't, you can work it out later when she's back on her feet.

Best,
Irene

 

Previously on The Friendship Blog:

A Final Friendship Disappointment 

 

QUESTION

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and had honestly neglected my friends during our relationship. What would be the best way to get into their good graces again?

 

ANSWER

There's no sense pretending: If you know, they know too. Admit you were dumb to get caught up with a jerk and go AWOL. Tell them you probably deserve the "Bad Friend Award" but it made you realize you need and cherish your connections with your gal pals - whether you're involved with a guy or not.

 

Make plans to do some fun things with your friends and show interest in their lives. Guard against spending your time ruminating about your lost love. They'll remember how much fun they used to have with you, and you and they will get over what's his name again in no time :)

 

Remember, if they're good friends, they'll forgive you and feel badly (for you) that your relationship ended. Unfortunately, it's common for women to neglect their sisters for their misters and then only to realize the loss when the relationship ends.

 

***This Q & A also appeared on Her Campus, an online magazine for college women that individualizes its content college-by-college Written entirely by the nation's top college journalists, Her Campus serves as a hub for everything college women need to know today.

 

 

 

QUESTION

Dear Friendship Doctor,

I've been drifting apart from two friends over the past few years. In the first instance, I felt abandoned after working hard to maintain a long-distance friendship. When I finally confronted her a year ago, she swore I was still her best friend. I plunged back into correspondence and calls but she didn't reciprocate.

 

In the other instance, I call every month or two, and visit once or twice a year, a level of commitment that feels comfortable for me. But she imagines me her best friend, and talks about seeing me more often (monthly?) and phoning me more often. Yet, she hasn't scheduled more visits, and we remain more acquaintances than friends, which is fine by me.

 

In both cases, I've come to recognize that we've changed as people, and don't share the same interests, priorities or outlooks on life. If we met for the first time now, as adults, we might not become fast friends at all. At the same time, I value the ongoing connection to my past - so I don't want to drop them altogether.

 

So my question is: What are the right words to use to signal that a friendship has changed? I've known both women longer than my husband and certainly longer than many romantic relationships, but those relationships had more definite closure or clarity. Isn't it healthy to talk things out?

 

This question has become more urgent because both friends will soon celebrate birthdays. In the case of friend #1, our last contact was an unanswered email from me to her more than six months ago. I plan to send her a gift and a note, wish her well, and let her know I'm still here and look forward to a phase of life when our friendship might be closer again. Will the note seem like a fresh accusation or complaint against her?

 

The case of friend #2 is more complicated. We're both celebrating milestone birthdays this year (and it isn't age 21) so we're taking a trip together. I travel often so an overnight trip without my husband is no big deal. For her, it's the first time she'll "cut loose" in a decade or more. While she is ecstatically excited, I'm feeling anxious that we're not as compatible now as we once were. I certainly want to go but I plan to be myself, which means enjoying a quiet glass of wine after dinner rather than hitting a nightclub. How can I stay true to myself without wounding her and fatally damaging the friendship, and how can we both emerge from this trip with realistic expectations of our friendship?

 

In both cases, it's a question of how to acknowledge change. The prospect of a written or spoken declaration seems to give the situation more finality than I want, but to fail to acknowledge reality seems dishonest. Suggestions?

 

ANSWER:

Dear Chelsea,

Moving is high on the list of stressors. Understandably, it's tough to move away from close friends after your lives have become intertwined. Sometimes we forget that moving can be just as onerous for the friends who are left behind.

 

While you hope you'll be best friends forever, the reality is that distance matters. Even when two friends are tied together emotionally at the hip, it is simply less convenient to be friends from afar. Distance can compromise even the best of relationships.

 

In the case of Friend #1, your friend was probably being honest when she said she still feels close. Yet, the friendship was transformed by the move and may never be the same. When you "confronted" her, you acknowledged that the relationship had changed. (I don't like the term "confront" because it sounds accusatory and these are really no-fault changes).

 

Since you value the friendship the way it is, especially the shared memories, and you want to remain friends, it's fine to send her a birthday gift. But do not send a gift in the hope that it will draw you closer together!

 

In the case of Friend # 2, she's realized it's logistically difficult (in terms of time, money, and commitments) to schedule frequent visits. After all, she's immersed in a new life, in a new place, with new people. Yet, you both seem to care enough about the relationship to have planned this girlfriends' getaway to celebrate your friendship.

 

Before you pack your bags, talk about your plans and expectations for the trip so you're both on the same page to help avoid any landmines or letdowns while you are there. If the trip works out well, it will offer an opportunity to talk more intimately about your friendship expectations, face-to-face, and perhaps to plan a ritual for future birthdays.

 

Yes, it's always murky to try to define the beginning or end of a friendship---or to even understand the transitions in the middle. It's easier with marriages and unions where there are legal obligations and divorce decrees. When it comes to friendships, changes in life circumstances often require us to renegotiate terms. There is no "right" way to do this. It can be implicit or explicit--- "right" depends on the people, the situation, and how they feel.

 

It's hard to lose two close friends to moves and not feel abandoned but guard against feeling hurt and defensive. You didn't ask---but you probably need to check your inventory of nearby friends to make sure you have enough of those too.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Irene

 

Here are a few prior posts on The Friendship Blog on the topic of moves and their impact on friendships:

The sadness of moving and leaving a BFF behind

Hard to say goodbye: Ending a 20-year friendship

A friend's unexpected move

 

What strategies have you used to stay close with friends who iive far away?

 

It's rare that I simply gush over books but I fell in love with Gail Caldwell's newest book: Let's Take The Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendship (Random House, 2010). As sleepy as I was reading the last pages in bed, I didn't want the book to end and it's one of those books I'll read over and over again.

When someone is crunched for time, as most of us are, why take the long way anywhere instead of a shortcut? If you've ever been lucky enough to feel so close and so comfortable with a friend that you never have enough time to spend together, you'll understand why and you'll resonate to the story of the powerful bonds between the author and her best friend, Caroline Knapp.

The book begins, "It's an old, old story: I had a friend and we shared everything, and then she died and so we shared that, too." While the loss of a best friend to Stage IV lung cancer sounds maudlin, it's only incidental to the beautiful story of love and connection that is the essence of this book.

An accomplished writer, recovering alcoholic, rower, dog lover, private person, single, and self-described introvert, Caldwell was 46 years old when she met Knapp, who was 37. In mid-life, they both found kindred spirits whose lives had many parallels.

 

"Finding Caroline was like placing a personal ad for an imaginary friend, then having her show up at your door funnier and better than you had conceived. Apart we had each been frightened drunks and aspiring writers and dog lovers; together, we became a small corporation," writes Caldwell. The two became part of each other's family of choice. The mix of similarities and differences both anchored the friendship and enriched their relationships with the larger world around them, personal and professional.

What Caldwell does best is to describe the indescribable, finding words that aptly translate the essence of friendship for those of us who often fumble trying to do so. Her prose is simply beautiful and her wisdom so insightful that it leaves the reader with indelible memories and life lessons.

She reflects on her first misunderstanding with her friend as a "testing ground and gateway for intimacy." Later, she writes about the friendship: "Our trust allowed for a shorthand that let us get to the point quickly." Characterizing their changed relationship when her best friend becomes critically ill, she describes it as a "choreography of silence." Despite its poignant ending, the Caldwell-Knapp friendship will make you envious---but it will also help you realize that friendships like this are, indeed, possible.

Caldwell writes after Knapp's death, "I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures." The same might be said about how the reader will emerge after reading this touching memoir of friendship.

A former chief book critic of the Boston Globe, Gail Caldwell is also the author of A Strong West Wind and was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Distinguished Criticism in 2001.

 

Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

 

Several other recent posts on The Friendship Blog touched upon the topic of losing a best friend. These include:

On losing a best friend

When the loved one who dies is a friend

Talking about friendship with NYT best-selling author Jane Green

 

Listen to author Gail Caldwell talk about her book: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnqfBMCU6o8&feature=player_embedded

If you've wondered about this question, read Female Bullying, an article by Rachel Giese in the September 2010 issue of Flare Magazine. The piece covers the perennial, but disturbing, topic of adult women who have honed the art of what therapists have termed relational aggression. These mean girls may not fight with their fists but they can inflict terrible emotional pain on their targets.

 

Some of us have experienced firsthand the devastating hurt of being excluded from the lunch table at middle school. Others admit with some embarrassment that they've been at the other end of the stick---as one of the "cool kids" in middle or high school who has excluded some other poor soul because she looks, acts, or speaks differently. The scars of being bullied as a kid can be long-lasting and slow to heal.

 

Unfortunately, some mean girls never grow up, continuing similar behaviors as adults. So the insidious practice of woman-on-woman bullying---often used to dominate and control subordinates or colleagues---is common in the workplace. Similarly, stay-at-home moms are still victimized by frenemies and neighbors. They and their kids become the subject of gossip, and are systematically excluded from play dates, playgroups and birthday parties. This is a particularly pernicious form of bullying because it attacks not only a grown woman but also her child.

 

Rachel's article (for which she interviewed me and others) tries to explain the dynamics behind female bullying. You can read a long excerpt online. If you're interested in reading more about this topic, you may be interested in these previous posts on The Friendship Blog:

 

Middle School Frenemies: Why are girls so mean?

Reader Q & A: Mean girls

Reader Q & A: Escaping from a toxic triangle

Reader Q & A: Contending with the Food Police

 

Have you had any experiences with adult bullies? How did you handle them? 

 

Here are some simple tips to nip a new friendship in the bud or to sabotage an existing one:

 

1) Do it her way

Abrogate all responsibility for the friendship to your friend. Let her do all the planning---including where, when and what. When you do get together, don't initiate any conversation, or show interest or enthusiasm. Respond minimally, using as few words as possible, and only in response to direct questions.

2) Be humorless

Treat everything seriously. Contain any outward appearances of laughter or smiles when your friend says something funny.

3) Act entirely predictably

Never try anything new. Demand that you always do exactly the same things, in exactly the same ways, in exactly the same places. Never mix it up or expand your twosome. Why? You always did it that way.

4) Play the same tapes over and over

Repeat stories you've told before in exquisite detail. Avoid eye contact to be sure you aren't reminded that you did or interrupted. If yawning sets in, ignore it. If she tries to speak or ask a question, interrupt her.

5) Stay focused---on you

Talk only about yourself, what you have, and what you've done. Ask no questions and show no interest in your friend or in the larger world around you. Avoid real interaction by telling long-winded stories.

6) Skim the surface

Be sure all conversation remains impersonal and unimportant. Don't express feelings or discuss anything remotely meaningful. Focus only on the past; never the present.

7) Overstay your welcome

Ignore any signs of boredom. If you're at her house, stay as late as you can. If you're in a public place, stay until the owner or manager looks at you funny or seems headed to the door with a big ring of keys.

Any other ways you can positively ID a boring friend?

 

 

If you're frustrated because your friend is the one who is boring, take a look at two related posts on The Friendship Blog:

5 Tips for Handling a Friend Who Talks Incessantly

A Friendship Stuck in Dullsville

 

I recently answered this question on HerCampus. This problem is a common one, unfortunately.

 

QUESTION

I can never get a word in edgewise with my friend. I like her but she is super narcissistic. What are the best ways to deal with a friend who wants to always talk about herself?

 

ANSWER

If you can't find a subtle way to change the topic when she's speaking, directly ask her to slow down or stop for a minute. You'll probably startle her because she's so used to talking uninterrupted. Tell her how frustrated you feel about not being able to say something. Whatever you do, don't call her narcissistic; that will only make her defensive.

 

Instead, focus on talking about your own feelings and see if she responds appropriately. If your get-togethers continue to make you feel like you're having conversations with a re-run of a bad TV show, you either have to accept her as she is---or downgrade your relationship. She may be more tolerable in small doses. With the time you recoup, you can nurture other friendships with people with whom you can have more meaningful and balanced conversations.

 

___________________________________

 

If you have this type of problem, take a look at some earlier posts on The Friendship Blog that focus on similar topics:

 

It's hard to say goodbye to a BFF, even if she's a narcissist

Self-centered friends with hefty needs

Five tips for handling a friend who talks incessantly