Comments on: Slowly being excluded from an adult clique: What could have happened?

By: Friendship Doc

Friendship Doc — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 15:34:45 +0000

Thanks for adding your story, BethieMom. I’m sure it will be reassuring to others who are going through something similar.

Warm regards, Irene

By: BethieMom

BethieMom — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 18:20:14 +0000

I know I am late to post, but I am so glad I found this page today! I can also relate and it is very therapeutic for me to read these similar stories. I am having a tough time dealing with rejection from a group of girls who all stopped taking to me, a group I considered lifelong friends. The hardest part was that one of them completely told me off and belittled me for every flaw I have, even though herself and the other girls have these flaws in common with me. Then all of them completely cut me off. For a long time I felt as if I was grieving a death and this was weird to me until I realized that grieving was a natural response, because this truly was a loss in my life. All of this conspired about 7 months ago and I slowly feel myself getting better. It hurts so bad when a person or people that you care(d) stop caring about you. I attribute their coldness to the fact that I was going through a really rough time personally and they could only handle “sunshine and rainbows”. Unfortunately people do change and misunderstandings arise. Anyway, thanks for sharing your stories. Thought I would add one for others who this could help.

By: Wendy

Wendy — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 13:29:02 +0000

… My story sounds almost the same as yours. My sister & mother have been so mean, (always toxic also) that I finaly walked away 7 yrs. ago from emotional, spiritual, & intellectual abuse. Doubtful I will ever get over with, if anyone excludes me, I go nuts, but only within myself.

By: Suzanna

Suzanna — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 18:26:31 +0000

Great perpective Jen!…I try to do the same, I am being over-senstive??..or making assumptions??..then I try my very best not to ruminate over friendships or the feeling of being an outsider. I am a popular person in my lil’town but not really part of a group, but there is a group of moms,that just seem so perfect..always doing something fun and expensive..that they photo document all over Facebook..
Recently these ladies invited me to a get together, it was eye-opening. They are so competetive with each other, about what they have or trips or kids accomplishments, theri weight, ect.. After that nite I realized these ladies are out of league! I beat myself up enough about things, I don’t need friends who have to one-up each other.

By: Jen A

Jen A — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 03:01:07 +0000

This is depressing to read, in a way – because it seems like we don’t outgrow these behaviors. It is also comforting, in a way, to not be the only one in this situation. Like the person above me, I am hoping for a catharsis.

Our neighborhood is very small-town-like. We have lived here for 8 years, and have been pretty close to one family (spent holidays together, vacations, etc) – but the woman in this family seems to shift her friendship ties periodically. She has a circle of close women friends, of whom I have consistently been one. I have outlived many of the previous shifts, but am feeling that my time has come. I have always been a little on the fringe, which I have attributed to being the only one in our group (even with the shifts) who works outside the home (and so I don’t have as much time to hang out). She has said that this was a problem before. But I always respond to plans, and try to come whenever I can, even if it is just for a while. I take my own turns to host events, too. The current circle seems to have a couple of members who are intentionally not including me. (We have nearly weekly happy hours on Fridays, and I know of several I have not been invited to -usually it is the same hosts who somehow neglect to include me). They have no problem attending when I host! I know that one of them is two-faced, and think that she has been stabbing me in the back (for what, I am not sure, but it doesn’t matter).

And – children do play a role. Many of this group has daughters of a similar age range and are all very tight. I also have a daughter in this age range. But my daughter is very introverted and one of the other daughters has been downright mean to her – so she avoids this group (we work on other friendships outside the group). THe two-faced one has expressed how happy she is with the girl’s group being just the way it is – (in front of two other women besides myself who have similarly aged daughters). I keep hoping that the main friend will tire of two-face and move on from her(this has been her pattern in the past), but I am getting tired of being left out and feel like this painful pattern is not worth it. I appreciated Jen’s comments above about recognizing that maybe this is a sign that it is time to move on and focus on other things – or other friendships. It isn’t fun anymore. I realize that I am also prone to being super-sensitive, and know that this is contributing, but am just feeling over the whole thing.

I hope that each of you finds comfort in someone or something else that is important to you. I hope you each appreciates your own value and doesn’t allow other’s childish behaviors to bring you down. Best wishes– Jen A

By: Blue-collar Soul in a White-collar World

Blue-collar Soul in a White-collar World — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 12:09:06 +0000

I am late in the conversation. I think talking about it is a good solution instead of making assumptions and letting doubt burn the friendship. However, both party must have an open heart to face the issue. I know someone who is double-faced, a very close friend, but that double face is not only reserved for strangers. In the events that something similar happens, regardless of who is being excluded, she will pretend that everything is right and will not sincerely discuss the issue. You can’t fake things with fakes like that.

By: Andrea Fraser

Andrea Fraser — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 01:21:27 +0000

I totally understand what you are saying Val. I’m beside myself with rejection! Have strugged with it all my life. In the last year, discovered the root cause…my mother is mentally ill with narcissistic personality disorder. I have been sick with ME/CFS for fourteen years, but have had it in a kind of ‘remission’ the past 6 years, before entering a horrible relapse end of 2011. Horrific stress set it off. My marriage hit a crisis (we almost didnt make it through), then my sister who has always been so close, decided to stop speaking to me and side with my npd mother after mother lied and manipulated (my punishment for setting boundaries and trying to break free of her). My best friend of 9 years also decided we needed ‘space’ and we called our friendship quits (it had been toxic many years). I have slways supported and advised my sister, but she hasn’t spoken to me for 18 months. marriage slowly improving, but I’m so burnt from all the rejection, I wonder who will be next to say they want to cut me off?! Also, another long-term friend said she couldn’t support me as she had issues of her own to deal with. I have a 7 year old daughter at school, and I can’t work due to my health. I go to a church where I have been stuggling to fit into a wonderful group of women, but it’s so hard! They’ve known eachother much longer, and I always feel like I’m on the outer. Often, I isolate myself and hide away, it feels safer…but is depressing. I like going to my daughter’s school as no one really knows the trauma I have been in the past 2 years and I can have fun, superficial conversations…however…these are never satisfying friendships. Feeling so burnt…I’m almost 39.

By: Cyn

Cyn — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 19:59:15 +0000

Hey Val, I know exactly what you are going through. I am from NYC and currently live in Cheyenne Wyoming. I have a son with Autism and I am divorced. I have noticed that people here are very cliquish and catty, women here are not opened to new friendships and the friendships here are based primarily on HS ties and not much else. In NYC we leave that all behind at graduation and we move on in our lives. I have best friends that I have been close to for over 35 years. I am 48 now, these friends also live in other places and have faced the same thing. I thought I left that kind of nonsense in HS but it seems to get worse the older we get. I am not the type of person who cares about what others think of me. I walk to the beat of my own drum and I think that for people who are insecure that might be intimidating. I am not the girl who needs to have a group of catty wannabees to feel good about myself, those people are insecure and need acceptance.

By: val

val — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 00:44:28 +0000

Thank god for this site! I can hardly take the rejection any more. Im alone all the time . Im a stay at home mom and my husband works afternoon shift. Im never invited anywhere. I have health problems and unable work so i have no chance of making friends. My “friends ” either ditch me or don’t invite me at all. Ive had to remove myself from fb because i would cry every time a frind would post about an activity!

By: Jen

Jen — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 17:05:00 +0000

Wow…I wish we could all be friends with each other…:) we probably wouldn’t take each other for granted…
It is very sad and also a relief to know this happens to others…but what to do?
It can be a very lonely road…even more so when the men get along great with each other…!!! Why can’t we be more like them in their behaviors??
I can say that when this has happened to me…I step back and ask myself: 1. Am I being oversensitive? (I know I can be…just saying…)
2. Am I creating this situation (usually without realizing it?)
3. I step back and really look at the kinds of things these women say and do…do I really want to be around that? Is it uplifting or toxic?
4. I wonder if this is one of life’s ways of saying…there are other things that need your focus right now (be it my kids, marriage, career, etc…) and I put my energy into that
5. I realize that all things in life have a balance and that there are highs and lows and they change…is this just a low that will work itself out?
In essence, I try to step back, try (really this is hard) to not take it personally because, like all of you, it can be easy to beat ourselves up, to question what we did wrong, to analyze all of the imperfections of ourselves to the point of feeling worthless…DON”T DO IT!!! I have read all of the comments, you are all sensitive to something you might have done..that is called consideration!!! But remember…the other women need to have that quality too or really…are they worth being friends with?
Big hugs to you all!!

By: Natalia

Natalia — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 02:36:09 +0000

I lived in USA for 12 years, and I encountered many situations like the ones you refer to in which I was bullied and socially excluded. My husband worked in a small town and we were “forced” to socialize with all his coworkers and wives. It was like dealing with sharks…if they smelled blood, they would eat you alive. The problem is that American culture promotes bulling or at least it doesn’t condemn it. The minute that you don’t follow the group norms or show some kind of weakness (such us being an introvert,) you become a looser and the group has the right to punish you by ostracizing and trashing you. The problem is that many people follow the bully because they are too afraid to end like you.
The biggest problem is that you start thinking that there is something wrong with you.
Please ladies, you all sound like fantastic people. Don’t let these frenemies ruin your self esteem. Be strong. You deserve to have good friends who support you. The reason why they treat you like this is because you allow it to happen.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 05:23:37 +0000

Update. Thanks for the posts. I take on board that I have been distancing in order to protect myself and I have made this known to the friend who has enquired after me. In setting up a time to meet it was cancelled (she had a good reason for this) but then rang a few days later saying she could not set aside anytime in the next few wks to meet but suggested we speak on the phone. I was put on the spot and with a need to talk I reluctantly said ok to this. Though for me saying she had no time to meet didnt match my view if how i would orioritise someone i had kept conveying concern for. Anyway, It wasn’t a good idea. She was scathing in her assessment of my behavior at weekend away and was unable to hear my hurt and sadness about changes in our friendship and within the bigger group. I felt misunderstood completely. When I said my focus was on friendships with people not a group she became very angry and said she didn’t have time for individual friendships. I felt my way of engaging was being judged and I was being punished to a degree by not going along with group norms. When I tried to reflect back what she was saying about seeing ea other individually and not in group she would get furious with me. I was just reflecting back what she was saying so I could be clear then make my own decisions as a result – but she thought I was trying to put pressure on her. I felt I was being chastised for asking to spend time with people other than within the larger group. Why do you have to see people individually she asked? I think although I have probably been sending vibe of powerlessness, and awkwardness which has changed some of the dynamic, I do feel that who I am and how I think is not fitting in with the clique agenda of the dominant group. Groupthink in action. Her rage at me was about upsetting the apple cart for her – one who had arisen in power within the group over the past 18months. Kids are irrelevant – many of our children are not close – this isn’t an issue at all.

So the call had to end. I felt I talked calmly and tried to reflect what I heard. I owned my quiet behavior of late contributed to confusion. She didn’t want to own any behavior in relation to exclusiveness. We agreed to disagree and our friendship continues whilst we work through the post conflict awkwardness. Privately I’ve decided to pursue the friendships individually and steer away from larger group gatherings – and accept that the level iof emotional intelligence within the group is varying and that many if my passions are not reciprocated in the group so I am not one of the sheep. I think there is a group view that this difference is not accepted although I’m not sure people consciously see the subtle ways this belief is expressed.

Thanks all – like to hear further feedback. Pls do not post anything to Facebook at all – the letter is quite revealing.

Shaz

By: Jen

Jen — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 08:43:26 +0000

This is a great forum. I too feel this pain. I have learned over the years that I must be doing something to facilitate this exclusion. I’m not saying I or anyone deserves to be bullied but what I’m saying is when you see the situation repeating itself from grade school to high school to adulthood then you need to look within yourself a bit. This is what I believe to fuel this fire. 1. I’m drawn to exciting people. 2. I’m insecure 3. My feelings are easily hurt when it comes to certain situations i.e.. anything that validates me as being much liked as others. A situation that comes to mind is that in my circle of friends there are birthday celebrations at a restaurant for many of them but never for me. Some bday party ideas for others start up right around my bday time and mine is never mentioned. 4. I am quick to jump to self pity (look at #3). 5. This is the worse. I have always “saved” myself by walking away. Excluding myself. Creating a distance in order to save my feelings. This will result in losing friends. So here’s what I “try” to do to address it (a work in progress). 1. Being drawn to exciting people can mean being drawn to self centred people with their interest as a priority. These people can also be loving, caring, generous but the bottom line is they are NOT boring therefore all like minded people are drawn to them. 2. My insecurity is at bay when I’m in the “circle” but any hint of not being included I will look way to deep into what is going on and internalize it as being bigger then it is. I can clearly see that others are not included in everything and if I took their more laid back approach and not try look deeper into the root of the problem I an enjoy the friendship as it. 3. Ah, the birthday party problem. Wow, I get very depressed about this every year for days at a time. I even planned to be out of country on my 50th as I was so worried about how I would handle the rejection. With a great deal of my friends turning 50 in advance of mine I was so worried all their over the top celebrations would valid my lack of worth when my bday came and went. Going away with my husband on a fabulous holiday was a great idea however I cried for months in advance of my bday and months after when it seemed to me that my friends didn’t care much. # 3, is a hard one for me to fix as you can see I again have jump to #4 self pity. Okay, number five. This is what I’m not going to do this time. I am not going to exile myself because of 1, 2, 3 and 4. There is one gal in our group that is the queen bee and if you get on her wrong side she will take you down and the rest will either 1. think she’s right because after all she is the queen bee or 2. they will jump on her band wagon be cause they are naive or 3. eat or be eaten, survival mood. Either agree with queen bee or your number will come up next time. Please keep in mind that queen bee is not a bad person however there are a few in the group that aren’t so kind and will take queen bee’s lead and run with it. Everyone else are pretty good people and I want to keep many in my life. This is what I have to do. 1. I have to stop running the craziness through my head. Just let gueen bee be qeen bee, let the mean soldiers do their thing, don’t jump on any mean band wagons, cultivate healthy friendships, be kind to everyone, don’t have knee jerk reactions, don’t be victimized…………..seriously, we have control of all these situations. If you still want to be in the group, put your best food forward, be someone people want to be around. And for Christ sake if your bday is so bloody important throw your own party. haha, I’m not that cured yet but I’m working on it. In fact, I came home tonight crying because queen bee set up one of her mean soldiers to take a jab at me. All because I didn’t support queen bees verbal attack on someone that was not in the room and a slight aquintance to us all.

By: merr

merr — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 15:56:11 +0000

Sometimes it can be hard to have perspective in the moment, but maybe as time goes by it will come. Take care.

By: Alisa Bowman

Alisa Bowman — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 16:47:01 +0000

I do see this as a combination of any number of factors. it could be one mean girl in the group being the ring leader. It could be the reader reading too much into things. It could be group think.