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Daylle Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First, has heard a litany of complaints that people make about their friends: Why does she take me for granted? How can he flirt with my girlfriend? Why don’t I get support? Many of them had friends who were consistent downers too, whining about the same problem to whomever would listen.

Daylle realized that she---and perhaps, the rest of us---have some of the same tendencies. “I used to be the Queen of Complainers,” says Daylle. “Talking with a friend was often an opportunity to rant about someone or a situation that annoyed me.” In this guest post, Daylle presents some actionable tips for evaluating yourself and changing the status quo.

Be objective, how would friends describe you as a friend?

Write it down and see if this is the kind of person that you’d want as a friend. If you don’t like what you see, redefine yourself. I hated the “old me.” That version that thought she had little to offer and was mainly concerned with pleasing others in an unhealthy way. Now I’ve upped my value and see a beautiful, caring, spiritual woman with a loving heart; a smart, creative, intuitive, forever young free spirit living with passion. That’s me! Period. Gone is too fat and not worthy. Accepting my new definition made it true.

Now write down what you’d like in a friend. Do you have all those qualities?

If not, begin to work on YOU! Focus on specific things you like in others and begin to adopt their habits, the way they handle themselves, or the kind of personality you enjoy or whatever else you see as positive qualities. That’s what I did. As I saw what I didn’t like in others, and then saw it in myself, I worked to get rid of those qualities. As I adopted healthier ones that I liked in others, I noticed I met more people who reflected those qualities.

Make an effort to live as the type of person you like to be friends with.

This works for attracting a romantic partner too. The more you develop qualities in yourself that you’d like in someone else, the better the chance of attracting the right person. When I was insecure and desperate for a boyfriend, I attracted insecure guys and also friends who were desperate. I couldn’t change them but I could change me! As I worked to grow into the qualities I wanted in myself, I didn’t pay much attention to the results, until a funny thing happened.

Without thinking, I said to someone how interesting it was that most of my new friends were similar to me in the ways I find most important.

My friends are mainly people who have the same spiritual beliefs as me, who are independent, positive thinkers and who don’t need a man to complete them. I’d become someone with the qualities I wished for in my friends! That’s why I attracted those types into my world.

Think about what you like in a friend. Write it all down. Then be more conscious of developing them in yourself.

When you can say with conviction that you’d like yourself as a friend, you’re on the right track to getting healthier friends. A bonus of that is you’ll like yourself more so your self-esteem and confidence will ramp up greatly too!

Daylle Schwartz, a fellow member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, is a best-selling author of 10 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill, 2009). She’s been a guest on more than 300 TV and radio shows, including Oprah and Good Morning America, and is frequently quoted in such publications as the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. Daylle also writes the popular blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat, from which this guest post is adapted.