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No friends in high school: What am I doing wrong?

November 10, 2012 | By | 41 Replies Continue Reading
The high school years are often lonely for many young people.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have never written to you, or any other site like this before, so I am very new at this. But I thought I would give it a try, thinking maybe some outside help/views on my situation would give me a new perspective on things.

I am 16 years old. I’m not shy, introverted, or “nerdy” per say, but I am intelligent, not dumb. In fact, I’m quite outgoing, always trying to put myself out there, putting 100 percent into everything I do. I’m silly and fun, very positive and optimistic, individualistic, always being my own person. Just to give you more of a picture, not because I’m self-involved or anything, I’m not “ugly” or anything. (I’m sorry for using that word.)

I’m nice, inclusive, and enthusiastic but I’m facing this problem that is starting to make me feel so depressed: I don’t have any friends. In middle school, I faced the normal crap that evil children everywhere seem to put on others, which is why I was excited to go to a high school where I knew absolutely no one, to start fresh. A very brave move: going from a private school knowing the same 60 people your whole life, to public school with 1300 kids, knowing not one face or name. But I was ready to take that step, in hopes that I would find a group of friends that I would stay close with for a long time.

Grade nine hit and I got involved. I like taking on leadership roles and being a part of something greater than me to be the best person I can be (even though it sounds cheesy) but I think that is how you grow. I auditioned as a dancer (dance is my passion) in the fashion show at my school, and later that year I ran for Junior Vice President of student council, which I won. I thought to myself this is great: People voted for me because they like me. Things will only get better from here.

Grade 10 hit. I was Junior Vice President (JVP), I was a dancer again in the fashion show, and because I was JVP, I organized an entire charity week where we raise $51, 000 dollars for the school. I spoke in front of crowds very often, so public speaking became very easy for me. Unfortunately I got a spine problem and had to quit dance, but I still remained in fashion show. But, nothing happened. Still no friends in school. No connections. Just acquaintances and hellos in the hallways.

Many lonely weekends later, its grade 11. Now I’m in the same position I was in in grade nine. No real friends. And that amazes me. I see people who are new to the school and they make friends and are in a group RIGHT away yet I can’t. After everything. And I just don’t get it. I don’t get why it hasn’t gotten better, and I don’t get why I can’t seem to make friends. I go to school and I have no one to talk to really, no one to eat lunch with, and I feel so alone. But there’s nothing “wrong ” with me and I’m getting just so….sad.

I know this will be just a spot on the big canvas when I’m older, but its so hard not to focus on it right now, because whether I like it or not, this high school crap is pretty prevalent in a teenager’s life. I just want some friends. And I just want to have fun. And I don’t know, what I’m going to do. I need your advice. It’s Saturday night and I’m crying alone in my bed.

Signed, Marcie

ANSWER

Hi Marcie,

Thanks for writing. I can’t even begin to guess why you can’t make friends. I know it can be hard to enter a public school system when people have known each other for years. I know that teens can be mean when someone is different in any way, even if they have exceptional talents.

My first suggestion would be that you speak to a trusting adult closer to home, perhaps a guidance counselor in your school or a teacher whom you respect to ask for a more informed perspective on what could be causing your difficulties.

Also, have you tried reaching out to people one-on-one, perhaps inviting someone to go to a movie with you or to go shopping? Are there groups that you can join either after school or outside of school that might put you in contact with different kids? Do you have the time to pursue a part-time job, perhaps a sales position where other young people would be working with you side by side?

Take things slowly a step at a time. You don’t need a whole group but it would be nice to connect with one friend at a time.

You really have me stumped. I wonder if any other readers, either your age or older have any ideas. Your letter really made me feel for you. You have a wonderful gift for writing and seem to be mature beyond your years. It is great that you recognize that your situation is time-limited and common among teenagers.

My best, Irene

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Category: Teen friendships

Comments (41)

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  1. Emily says:

    I feel the exact same way. I moved across the country the summer before 9th grade, to a very small, christian city on the West coast.. There’s a very tight community and everyone’s parents went to school with each other and all of the kids have been going to school together since pre-k. Everyone here is Christian, and I’m Jewish. I came from a hugely populated Jewish area in the mid-west so it’s hard for me to connect with people out here. Everyone has their friend group and I don’t.
    It’s been about 9 months and I’ve only made acquaintances, no real close friends that I’ve ever hung out with outside of school. I’m actually really funny, but super shy. I’m really smart and in senior-level spanish and 2 AP classes but I’m normal and not “ugly”, but I am really quiet and usually just on my phone texting my old friends 24/7. I’m not very outgoing with strangers so it’s hard to become close with people I don’t know that well. I’m also really homesick and miss my old friends.
    I think about my old town every day of my life, and I also may be a little depressed but I’m scared to tell my parents. My freshman year has been downright hellish so I’m looking into transferring to a small private school for sophomore year, but afraid I’ll run into the same problem because of my shyness. It’s Saturday night and I’m in my bed crying. I still talk to my old friends everyday and FaceTime them, so I always vent to them but it’s just not the same. I haven’t had one sleepover all year or hung out with anyone, which is hard to believe because last year when I lived in my old state, there wasn’t one weekend I didn’t have a sleepover. Both of my sisters have really good friends here and are popular, but I’m just not adjusting. I used to be so sociable but I feel like I’ve maybe lost it… is that even possible?
    Well after that small little sob story, I just wanted to get that out there. I’m glad I’m not the only one experiencing this, but it kind of sucks.

  2. Jeanette says:

    Wow, it’s really great to see that I’m not alone, I’m going through the same thing. I just transferred to a different High School (half way thru Junior year) due to multiple problems at my old school and I’ve been at my new school for a few months and I am entirely alone. Everyone tells me that I’m really pretty (I have even done some modeling)and I am outgoing, but It’s just really hard and I feel like since I’ve been there, I have become quiet. I want to show off myself but I’m scared I will do something to make people not like me and I just want friends and ugh.

  3. Leonardo says:

    *clears throat. Well I’m not to sure what or why I left a comment here, but here goes. I am 15 years old, in high school, and am a sophomore. With that said, I can relate to you who have not had a close friendship with somebody; but, I am not entirely in your position. I am out-going and very charismatic but somehow seem to have the same problem as you to an extend. My problem is I have this free time and I have friends but I can never seem to able to hangout with them outside of school and it’s really bothering at times. I was a new to my high school a few years ago, but I am not sure why people I want to hangout are always busy. So yeah I don’t know what else to say but since it seems most of you who commented here are on the same boat as me, I would like to see what you all have to say and see to it if we can brainstorm this situation. I’ve talked this before, but it’s best when the person or people you discuss with on a topic know of it and understand it enough where their empathy is great enough to match how you feel.

  4. Samuel says:

    Hello, I’m 18 years old, I am a senior, and over 5 years since I moved here to Prairie Lea, I have been a REAL outcast the WHOLE TIME I’ve been here! Almost all the girls in my class hate me, make fun of me, ignore me, and laugh at me behind my back! They always talk about me saying that I am ugly and weird. Seriously, I am very nice to ladies, I hold the door open for anyone, I try to look as nice as I can, my parents tell me I look handsome, sweet, etc. I don’t treat women like crap, and I don’t act like an idiot. Yet, nobody acknowledges or thanks me! I will admit though that I am also different in taste. Everyone in my class likes all the recent music, like One Direction, Justin Bieber, hip-hop, Nickelback, and new country, and, even I like some other genres as well, I’m really into old rock n’ roll like the Beatles, Lead Belly, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Mudhoney, and hardcore punk. I just don’t get it. Why should I have to change everything that I like just for their satisfaction, yet if I don’t, they’ll all ignore me and say shit behind my back?! IT’S NOT FAIR!!! School really sucks right now…

  5. Trinity says:

    Hello, my older peers. My name is Trinity, and I am thirteen years old. I recently joined a new school, and being an embarrassingly shy person, proceeded to have a very awkward two weeks. Feeling pretty crappy about myself because of my inability to make friends, which might be partially due to the fact I move a lot, I decided to turn to the one thing I knew would have an answer…. the Internet. I browsed through multiple psychological websites and forums, most of them either telling me to “fake confidence”, which is impossible for me, “force myself into a social situation”,of which I cannot exactly walk up to some random person and start talking, and I even stumbled across a few where they just swatted it away, saying it is “no big deal since high school doesn’t really matter.” While they may have been partly correct, I did not plan the next four years as a loner. I finally found this site, read the entry, and seeing the posts were relatively recent, decided to give it a shot. Sorry for this long winded post, but I have a looot too say… 0.0.
    Okay, so basically I just need to know…. why don’t people like me? Do I cone across as cold or snobby because I don’t talk a lot? It seems to me that when I do attempt to make conversation, I either
    a. Embarrass myself with long awkward pauses or a boring topic or…
    b. Am ignored.

    Input is greatly appreciated since I will be a freshman next year.

    • Sim says:

      This is exactly what I’m going through I just entered High school and everyone seems to be making new friends except me, I keep on thinking it is because I’m different or quiet but it just seems like they don’t like me, I feel lonely and upset and I keep getting vibes from people that they want me to go away (I’m 13 too)

      • Amy says:

        Thats the same for me too. I started high school last year in grade 8 and basically it was the first few weeks and i was shy, but ever since then its like basically noone likes me in my class, last year i had 2 friends and now they are all in these groups and one of them and me had a huge fight recently and the other one is way to busy that she didnt even notice, just before i asked her if she wanted to come over and shes like sorry but im literally booked the whole 2 weeks, its like once ur seen as quiet every single person just thinks well theres nothing more to them then and they dont even bother to try to be friends with you? considering i have the rest of this year and 3 more years of high school after that it kinda really sucks.

  6. hanaki says:

    Hi, I’m also facing the same problem. I’m a new transfer student. It has been two weeks and I still don’t have friends to gather with at hall, at the canteen, after school for activities. I don’t have problems talking to several girls in my class. The first girl I talked to always go with another girl. They don’t pay attention to me. Although I had joined them twice in the canteen, but they still never call for me. I also talk to the girl sitting behind me, but when lunch comes, she doesn’t come for me. She always approaches her friend and goes away, ignoring me. The other girl who sits quite near to me too, goes to find her friend from another class. I’m very sad. I’m afraid if I have to spend next 2 years like this. Also, since there are no people with same nationality as me, I’m even stressed. Moreover, I have different tastes from most teenagers. While most of them like k-pop or hollywood singers, I like instrumental musics. I don’t have any preferred actors. Making me unable to chat things concerning entertainment with them.
    I really would like to befriend the first girl I talked to. She’s also friends with another 2 last year’s transfer students. But I really don’t know what to do. Last time, when her friend was away, she asked me who was walking alone to accompany her walking. I was happy but when her friend came she totally forgot about me.
    Having no friends really makes me not wanting to go to school.

  7. Madison says:

    I’m soooo glad I am not the only one facing these problems!! Of course I too am 16 a sophomore who is fairly smart (in honor classes)teachers like me and I’m very nice to any and everyone I meet im also pretty attractive and not nerdy and also who is well known because I’m the Oreo of my grade (black girl who acts white)and I’ve grown to ignore all those comments but now I’m faced with having no friends I have many acquaintances at my school meaning people I can say hi too in the hall ways or ask for homework help over text if ever needed. But no one to talk about personal problems or boy troubles or whatever the situation may be. My freshman year I felt I had a lot of friends I was invited to a lot of bday parties and to hangout on the weekend and people would text me first but now its the total opposite no one ever texts me or invites me places and just like everyone else on here I have been crying for the past 30 min because I feel so sad all the time. To make things worse I thought I had two best friends in totally different social groups but now when I text them they wont reply and they never invite me places I have to always be the one to invite them to hang or whatever and no no no I am not annoying I don’t text them every hour or every day and when I do text them its never just “hey” its usually like a question or statement or send them a funny picture and still no response so I don’t know what to do with them because they but have other best friends that I always get put second to and I’m done with being second. I’m just so sad all the time and I’m tired of going to school with a mask on my face and my emotions, pretending I’m happy and stronger than I really am. I’m about to join the school news-team and I play soccer for my school but those aren’t helping either. Help

    :(, Madison (p.s we should start a pen pal that be great)

    • Amber says:

      Hi! i just stumbled on this page and I’m having the same problem well my name is Amber I am a senior in high school I’m 17 and I don’t have any close friends outside of school. I am a nice person, I’m a little reserved but I can be outgoing and I’m very silly. I’m an anchor in my schools broadcasting program called wolfpack tv so I am very well known because everyone at school has seen me on tv. Therefore I have many acquaintances that talk to me or wave to me at passing period or events.

      I hang around a couple of people at school I have known since the 9 th grade and we have fun at school during the week. you would think that we would be best friends outside of school but I’m the odd man out. when friday comes i go home and i hear nothing else from them. No one calls or messages me on Facebook or nothing. I have to initiate it first. I only see them at school during the school week. Some of them tell me we should start hanging out outside of school and recently I see on Facebook that they are starting to hang out more outside of school I’m just excluded. I feel like I have always been put on the back burner since middle school I’m very confused on why i keep falling in this pattern pretty much all my life since junior high-school friends came and went or they consoled in me to make themselves feel better and never gave me anything in return. My mom says it will be different in college I guess I will see soon.

      • Madison says:

        Amber,
        Were like twins… same excat things with me “friends” they will say lets hang and stuf but never ever asked me to do things with them but they do post pictures with there friends up on instagram and twitter. Its pretty sad and makes me feel awful but Yes you only have a few more months and then you can start all over in College!!!!

  8. Madison says:

    I’m soooo glad I am not the only one facing these problems!! Of course I too am 16 a sophomore who is fairly smart (in honor classes)teachers like me and I’m very nice to any and everyone I meet im also pretty attractive and not nerdy and also who is well known because I’m the Oreo of my grade (black girl who acts white)and I’ve grown to ignore all those comments but now I’m faced with having no friends I have many acquaintances at my school meaning people I can say hi too in the hall ways or ask for homework help over text if ever needed. But no one to talk about personal problems or boy troubles or whatever the situation may be. My freshman year I felt I had a lot of friends I was invited to a lot of bday parties and to hangout on the weekend and people would text me first but now its the total opposite no one ever texts me or invites me places and just like everyone else on here I have been crying for the past 30 min because I feel so sad all the time. To make things worse I thought I had two best friends in totally different social groups but now when I text them they wont reply and they never invite me places I have to always be the one to invite them to hang or whatever and no no no I am not annoying I don’t text them every hour or every day and when I do text them its never just “hey” its usually like a question or statement or send them a funny picture and still no response so I don’t know what to do with them because they but have other best friends that I always get put second to and I’m done with being second.IM just so sad all the time and I’m tired of going to school with a mask on my face and my emotions, pretending I’m happy and stronger than I really am. I’m about to join the school newsteam and I play soccer for my school but those aren’t helping either. Help :(, Madison (p.s we should start a pen pal that be great)

  9. Madison says:

    WOW!!! This is so weird…I literally fill like my brain spilled out and every emotion and thought I have felt in the last 30min of crying has been put down in words by multiple people feeling the exact same way I do.

  10. Mariah says:

    dang i thought it was just me, i’ve been without friends for 4 years now and i’m 16..nobody talks to me in class, the teachers always badmouth me and my parents always degrade me..i feel like i’m doomed to a life of lonelyness and deppression, i’m surprised i haven’t killed myself yet, i kind of put myself into a coma last october by trying to stop myself breathing but unfortunately i woke up, not that i’m not grateful for life..i mean there’s nothing wrong with me, istarted school with my best friend form pri-school and we started hanging out with a group of girls, they started ganging up on their friend but i refused to join in..soon they turned on me and so did my best friend.. from then on nobody ever really spoke to me and i just hope this finishes quiclkly because deppression impacts on my grades.. i’ve been going from a c average to an e average.. i’m even slipping from that, there’s even an edit of a photo of me on facebook that some boy made and people can’t stop talking about it.. it’s even getting laughed at on twitter..i don’t know what the hell is going on..i think the group of girls must’ve said something about me, that everyone’s angered by: they just love attention from dudes and gossiping about people, and that’s not me (practically evveryone in my school does) i’m just doomed but atleast i leave this school in may..after 4 years of my life just went unpleasantly.

    • Cyril says:

      Never let society let you down. I too felt that society has degraded me from my potential but 1 thing I learned is that teachers and parents can say whatever they would like but I am an independent human. Ever since I moved to Florida, I get hundreds of insults a day from people who I pretend are my “friends”. I realized that friends don’t insult each other in a way that hurts one another. I stopped listening to them. Unfortunately, sometimes I feel that I can’t be at my full potential with people continuously saying false things about me. One of my most important lessons is that YOU OWN YOUR LIFE, NOT YOUR PARENTS, NOT YOUR TEACHERS, NOT YOUR FRIENDS. IT IS YOU!!!! You have the right to decide whatever you want to be and no one can stop you from doing so! You control your future! Don’t let teachers, friends or parents influence decisions. IT IS YOUR LIFE!

      • Liah says:

        i dont really know where to start sorry if this is too long … anyways , ive been “popular” in the start of grade 5 i had 2 best friends but on a 5 days school trip one year later in grade 6 we ended up fighting and quit being friends i was sad and felt lonely both of them kept being friends while i still had another best friend through the whole thingy , but there was this “popular ” clique of girls in my class and they were like being around me and stuff i felt like im kind of a part of them even though they made stupid things like insulting some girls in my class i didnt really know much about it i thought its just some small fight or something , but then i kind of said that im a belieber and so was one girl of that group we fangirled about him alot and got to eachother better (different things as well ) but that girl started getting weird towards me she didnt relpy text’s she didnt really talked to me anymore and i asked why but she told me to fuck off another girl in the group started calling me fake belieber because apperantly i only like justin bieber because of my best friend (mentioned her before ) the others turned theyre back towards me and are insulting me i literally have no one im a freakin loner in every school break , lunch , project groups . its sucks and i feel lonely i talk about it with my best friend but i dont want to bother her too much its becoming worse with the insults and im ignoring them ever since , but it doesnt feel right , my only friend is in another class ( the best friend ) she has different lunch times . im a so called nerd but i recon i dont have a bad style i dress modern and everything and im not the boring typical nerd, people dont really care if im walking alone all the time , its fucked and i dont want to be in this situation but what am i supposed to do ? it turned out that they were bullying those girls since pre school , and we started talking but i feel missed place like i shouldnt be there but i dont want to be alone again so im sticking with them i guess , i dont know if i should ignore that clique of bitches or stand up for myself …
        thanks for reading :) xx

  11. Coco says:

    I am from Asian country so our education system is a bit different~in my secondary school(1st year of high school I gt a few best friends(5 smth) and I knew half of the girls in our class( nt so close juz make use of each others) and our group consist of 5(include me)ppl tat mean one will be left alone~ at the beginning of year I am close wif three of them so there a chance one of them will be my bestie~bt one of the girls from the group bad mouth me about wanna snatch the boy ( secretly fall in love) cause others to start ignoring me!!!
    During the midterms I am starting to get close wif now of them(nt the double-face)~ we always chat with each other ,holding hands while walking(nt lesbian juz friends),chatting on phone~but recently cause tat double face bad mouth about me she started to ignore me!!lol I am frustrated!! She start getting close to the double face cause double face is better at acting and nobody know the truth!!and the other two are getting closer(no chance for me at all)
    Last week,double face suggest that they go movies and all stuff~bt she dint invite me and ask others to keep their mouth shut about their plan~so who can suggest hw I deal with this bitch

    • Xaviera says:

      I’d recommend you keep being nice to them, even to her. Don’t exclude her like she did to you, although that would probably feel good! The truth is she’s probably worried you’re going to steal the friends, and she’s just like you in that she doesn’t want to be alone. If she sees that you don’t want to leave her alone without friends, she’ll probably stop trying to hurt you. She might even turn out to be cool!

      Alternatively you can try to tell the other girls what’s going on, or in some way let them know the truth. the only bad thing is that the mean girl could probably find a way to twist it around and make it seem like you’re the mean one.

      either way, good luck!!

  12. Lauren says:

    Im not 16 or older iv actually only just started year 7 (english years) and i came to the school very confident and excited with 2 of my friends. On the first day one of my friends went of with a big group of people ignoring me and my best friend… Its only been a like 1 week more and i havent made any new friends… Atlunch times and break times me and my friend are just walking around doing nothing we have like nothing to talk about anymore. We are in a few classes together but the ones i am in alone are very depressing and make me want to cry sometime. E.g in art i will sit down on a seat next to someone and talk and be nice but everyone around me is always laughing and jokings and having a great time, even the girl next to me sometimes turns around to laugh and joke with her friends.

    On the second day i plucked up the corage to talk to a girl that looked quite loney and i started chating and i thought i had finally found a friend. So i left the lesson with her and walked out to lunch. I asked here if she wanted to have lunch with me and my friend and she kindly said yes. So me and my friend walk into the field with her and sit down on a bench. I introduce her and we start eating lunch like two minutes later a group of around 30 girls come up and almost push me and my bff of the bench. So me and my friend get up and leave.

    At lunch times me and my friend sit on a bench alone almost just looking around at other people all of the time. It seems evey single person is in a large group, noone is on there own. And i wouldnt say we were shy but we arnt the type of people thT would just walk up to someone and say hi and ask to join them.

    We have tried making friends with my previous school friends friends but they seem to blank us all of the time.

    Everyday now i have come home crying because i am so upset. My parents try to be supportive by saying things like oo just talk to someone asnd ask to have lunch. But it dosnt help :(

    I dont know :( i know i will probably make friends but i am the sort of person that just cant stop worrying about somthing even if they know that it will probably get better

    • Coco says:

      Get revenge on them!!!my suggestion is be friendly to guys~they help you and they are way better than girls friends!first of all,you muz get attention from guys~(1st step 2 become friends)never speak loudly and try to get attention it will only backfire!!if you r nt so pretty,I suggest that u wear some makeup~2nd chat with guys like they are your girl friend~never be shy to chat with them~3rd chat with them on Facebook in order to strengthen your friendship(bt make sure they dnt fall in love with you otherwise it will cause jealousy among the girls especially when popular guys confess to you)~tat all-feel free to e-mail me-([email protected])

  13. Adriel says:

    It is such a coincidence you say that Marcie because I have been sitting on my bed crying for the past 45 minutes, talking to myself about how I have no friends. No one to talk to, confide in, trust, or even relate to. The worst part about it is it feels as if your helpless and can’t do anything about it. The end of my 8th grade year in middle school I moved. I had to adjust to the new atmosphere and it was’nt too easy. I met one girl however who was really nice to me and seemed like a good friend. I began to hang out with her and her group of friends in school. My freshman year we slowly began to drift apart since we had no classes together. I had made it through dance camp and made the school’s dance team. However, I had no real friends there, but acquaintances. All in all the majority of girls did’nt like me, belittled me, and/or left me out of there cliques. I also was in theatre that year. It was’nt too long later that year when I met a really nice guy. We became best friends and were inseperable. We sat together at lunch everyday and made inside jokes with everything. People thought we were dating and it annoyed the crap out of the both of us and eventually tore our friendship apart due to other peoples drama. My Sophomore year we rarely spoke at all and I now met a new friend. She was super nice and we really had a nice time together. Somehow, she became hostile towards me and stopped speaking to me and contacting me all together. Long story short one semi close friend later and that was it. I came to the reality that I had no real friends and was alone. It really does make me sad a lot and I think its even making me become depressed… I wish I could turn back the hands of time and somehow or another make everyone like me but I now that is unrealistic and impossible. I’m not unattractive, or anti-social in any way. I am friendly and pretty outgoing. I am very intelligent but not too evil genius. So, I just don’t get why I have no friends or anyone what so ever to relate to or that genuinely likes to be friends with me. This is really a hard thing to go through and it will affect us when we graduate looking at everyone interact with there childhood bff’s and were just standing there with our Mom… (no offense to my mother I love her)

    • Adriel says:

      Oh yeah, and I now am Home Schooled. It just felt like the high school experience was not coming together at all…

      • Nina says:

        I know exactly where you are coming from :( I am currently a sophomore and have NO friends. I really don’t know what I am doing wrong: I am nice to everyone no matter who they are. It just seems like everyone has already gotten their cliques and don’t need a plus one in their mix. I am either by myself or a tag along. The funny thing is, is that people “know me”. Like I’m not popular but I’ve been elected as my classes class treasurer for two years and I have “acquaintances” that wave to me in the hallway and people that yell my name in the hallways and tell me I’m “chill”. Yet I have no friends. I really am just really depressed, I don’t know what to do. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and have this fake smile I put on everyday. I just don’t know how long I can take this…. uhhhh

        • Amy says:

          I live in Australia so my school system is a bit different to you all but im in grade 9 and i feel basically exactly the same, i just have fake friends- but hardly. the holidays are almost over and ive only talked to one of them and theres even like a wall or something in the friendship that feels weird and then my other friends have like these huge groups now and i literally have no proper best friend just fake friends that cant get rid of me. its like nobody even likes me and i have 3 more terms and then 3 more years to go through of this and seriously they say you get over high school but in the moment its kinda hard to just think of it like that, plus you wont have any friends from high school after school and just sometimes idk

  14. Lucy says:

    Wow sounds like me, coming up on my junior year of highschool and still no luck in the friendship department. Of course I am already a bit used to it because I’ve only had acquaintances my entire life; Yep, never been to sleepovers or parties and the only people I’d hang out consistently with were my older sisters friends who absolutely adored me.

    I have good traits and I’m not entirely that antisocial. I play piano, blast the newest tunes on the radio, and even have my own love for sports. One thing that might be impacting my ability to make friends is probably the fact that I was severely bullied when I was younger. They would treat me like I was retarded, snicker at me as I went down the hallway and I never knew what I did to cause it, but that has long since stopped. I’ve transferred high schools but during my last year at my old school, so many people have come up to me and apologized on how they never stood up for me as well as for watching me go through all that in silence.

    Yes, I find myself gloomy at times: I’ve never went with a friend to the movie theaters, shopping, or bonded while playing Halo on Xbox. I’m hoping maybe this year will be different, try and be a little more proactive, listen a little more, and no matter what I will not change who I am in what I value because no friend is worth suppressing who you are.

    Wow that was quite a little pep talk I just gave, just knowing everyday people face similar troubles to yours makes you hold your head a little higher. I wish you luck in making a friend, and try going to a few more dances; even if you don’t have anyone to go with you’ll at least be remembered by your classmates as “Marcie, the one that can dance.”

  15. Bekah says:

    I came from a private school too! I dont truly know a single person. I do cross country and there is a really nice girl that talks to me all the time, except in school. Its only the second week of highschool but everyone already has friends from middle school or has made some. I’m hoping that once I join some clubs I might meet more people.

  16. raya says:

    I have a very similar problem I went to a very tiny school and everyone knew everyone. I went there from 6th-9th grade and for some reason after my freshman year I was spending everyday of summer soon I tried texting people but everyone had plans I only had one friend and sometimes she was very mean to me. I’m very pretty and smart and nice but I’m kinda shy at times. But its like scrutiny one I knew who thought were my friends would just say hi to my in class but I didn’t have anyone to talk to or hang out with after school. So we moved not far from the school I was going to it was right on the line of two cities so I could continue at thebtiny school I was or go to a mucb larger school that was in a wealthier community with a better education and it had lots of students. So I decided to go to a new school amd all year I made sure I talked to people lots and made sure I was open. But the same thing happened I got people to say hey to in the halls. This year my junior year I going to try way harder and maybe get some guy friends but if it doesn’t work I don’t know what I’m going to do. It really sucks missing out on school dances because I have no one to go with. And doing nothing on the weekends and having 100 friends on Facebook but not one person on it I can really talk to.

  17. Hannah says:

    This is exactly my life! I moved to a suburb outside the city I lived in my whole life, so excited to start fresh and make so many new connections! I also have acquaintances, but no friends here. I will be starting my sophomore year soon and I’m nervous because I didn’t make any connections over the summer. The few friends/acquaintances I did make were from my swim team, but they were mostly upperclassmen. People here tell me I’m funny, really smart, extremely mature, and really nice. I have luckily kept in touch with a few friends from my old city, and they don’t get it either. I can be shy, but I opened myself up this past year to people, but the vibe is generally that they already have friends and don’t need any more. I’m a happy person, but I feel like I’m very slowly slipping into a depression. I love my life, I love who I am, and I have strong opinions. Other people tell me that they’re really surprised I’ve never been kissed or asked out, and I just don’t get it either. I feel like everyone here sees right through me as if I’m someone not worthy of their friendship. Luckily I have made a close relationship with my counselor at school, but I haven’t talked to her about personal things- only school related. Maybe I’ll talk to her if things don’t get better soon.

    • Irene says:

      Hi Hannah,

      It always takes some time after a move to turn acquaintances into friends. However, when you are thrown together with the same people day after day during the school year, this might become a bit easier. If your mood is somewhat depressed, this can make it more challenging.

      How wonderful that you have made a connection with a counselor at school. I think it’s a great idea to use her as a sounding board for some of the social problems you are concerned about.

      Let us know how things go.

      Warm regards, Irene

    • Adriel says:

      I really relate to you on this! It’s almost like this is my exact situation…

  18. Raquel says:

    this is crazy, i felt like i just read my own life right now. im 16 too, and i cant see anything that would be wrong with me, im intelligent and i can be outgoing, i like to get involved and meet new people and everything, im pretty too.its really cool to know that someone is going through the exact same thing: as much as it sucks, i just try and push myself to always be happy because it hurts to walk through the halls at school and seeing that everyone else fits in and has there own group. this might sound weird and creepy lol but if stuff still has not gotten any better, we should become friends!

    • Friendship Doc says:

      Hi Raquel,

      Do you have any interests in activities outside of school where you could meet new people—or where you could meet people you already know in smaller groups?

      Best, Irene

    • Adriel says:

      We really all should become friends hahaha! Pin Pals…

  19. Laura says:

    Although being very visible in leadership positions gets you visibility, it is an inevitable lesson of life that life at the top is lonely. Most people assume that you’re probably busy with your leadership activities. Yes, it boils down to impressions, not necessarily facts. People are easily intimidated by intelligence, beauty, prowess at sports, and even speaking articulately. I’ve been there. Some people judge the leaders of a pack as ambitious and driven, and not at all friendship material.

    Go back and read what you wrote. It sounds like a resume and doesn’t mention what you have done to take the initiative to reach out to someone socially like tutoring, going to the mall or library together. Leadership roles are fine and dandy for your college application transcript but do not earn you friendship brownie points. You actually have to say more than “Hi” in the hallway. You cannot expect to be approached. You must take the initiative.

    Would you consider taking a break of leadership activities and focusing on one-on-one activities with different people of other interests? Perhaps if you do feel the need to work in a leadership role, what about the more social groups like anti-bullying efforts, book reading clubs, tutoring other students, that is anything that puts in on a more individual basis with people and less crowds. What about being a mentor to freshman, to transfer students, to students who are English language learners, to learning disable students? There are many opportunities to reach out.

    All the best. You can get through this.

  20. Irene says:

    Yikes! Thanks for noticing that typo (now corrected). Thanks especially for your wise and experienced advice to Marcie.

    Best, Irene

    • Amy says:

      Hah. Cracked me up.

    • Ray says:

      Hi! I, along with my twin sister joined a new school in September 2013 and we feel like we have no friends! We were welcomed by this really nice group of girls but they are not exactly our type of people. We don’t share interests much. Whenever we try asking someone else if they want to hangout they always seem busy. Not that their lying but I wish someone would say yes. And this happened twice: we asked someone if we could sit with them and they said yes but 2 minutes later got up and sat somewhere else so we were sitting alone. We hate being such loners. We’re the kind of people who usually make friends within minutes but this is the first time we’ve joking a public school and it’s just so hard. Not having friends is getting us depressed. We’ve tried talking to someone older and everything but nothing seems to work. We’re tired of coming home crying.

  21. Amy says:

    Aside from Irene’s unfortunate typo about you attending PUBIC high school, lol, I agree with her advice.

    High school is a strange time of life. Most of the kids are treading emotional waters, trying to fit in. Often the ones who seem to have the most confidence are the most insecure.

    A lot of high school friendships are what you’ll call acquaintances when you’re older. Your peers obviously like and respect you, or else you wouldn’t be elected to offices. I’d bet that there are some kids who would love to be your friend, but they probably think you already have lots of friends. HS kids make a lot of assumptions about other people being secure and having friends, I didn’t realize this until my 15th reunion and talked to former classmates who I thought had tons of friends and realized they were just like me. At my 30th reunion last summer I talked with a woman I always looked up to, and she shared that she had no friends in HS. I told her, “I wanted to talk to you, but i thought you were too busy being pretty.” She laughed because she never saw herself as attractive. She thought I was too popular to talk to, but I stayed home every weekend. what a waste!

    So put yourself out there. Ask a shy kid to go to the mall with you next weekend, someone who might be a fun friend or someone who you’d like to get to know better. If the mall isn’t your thing maybe a movie would be better, because afterward you can go out to eat and you’ll have the movie to talk about.
    Go slowly with new relationships, sometimes going too fast can be intimidating.
    You might also join more clubs, if you like writing join the paper or lot magazine so you’ll meet others with your same interests.
    I just know there are kids who want to be your friend and if you sounded like the type of girl who’d be an annoying friend, I would NEVER say that.

    • kendall says:

      Wow, that’s great advice! I’m in the same boat as everyone else and I think you might have really changed me
      Thank you

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