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No friends in high school: What am I doing wrong?

November 10, 2012 | By | 170 Replies Continue Reading
The high school years are often lonely for many young people.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have never written to you, or any other site like this before, so I am very new at this. But I thought I would give it a try, thinking maybe some outside help/views on my situation would give me a new perspective on things.

I am 16 years old. I’m not shy, introverted, or “nerdy” per say, but I am intelligent, not dumb. In fact, I’m quite outgoing, always trying to put myself out there, putting 100 percent into everything I do. I’m silly and fun, very positive and optimistic, individualistic, always being my own person. Just to give you more of a picture, not because I’m self-involved or anything, I’m not “ugly” or anything. (I’m sorry for using that word.)

I’m nice, inclusive, and enthusiastic but I’m facing this problem that is starting to make me feel so depressed: I don’t have any friends. In middle school, I faced the normal crap that evil children everywhere seem to put on others, which is why I was excited to go to a high school where I knew absolutely no one, to start fresh. A very brave move: going from a private school knowing the same 60 people your whole life, to public school with 1300 kids, knowing not one face or name. But I was ready to take that step, in hopes that I would find a group of friends that I would stay close with for a long time.

Grade nine hit and I got involved. I like taking on leadership roles and being a part of something greater than me to be the best person I can be (even though it sounds cheesy) but I think that is how you grow. I auditioned as a dancer (dance is my passion) in the fashion show at my school, and later that year I ran for Junior Vice President of student council, which I won. I thought to myself this is great: People voted for me because they like me. Things will only get better from here.

Grade 10 hit. I was Junior Vice President (JVP), I was a dancer again in the fashion show, and because I was JVP, I organized an entire charity week where we raise $51, 000 dollars for the school. I spoke in front of crowds very often, so public speaking became very easy for me. Unfortunately I got a spine problem and had to quit dance, but I still remained in fashion show. But, nothing happened. Still no friends in school. No connections. Just acquaintances and hellos in the hallways.

Many lonely weekends later, its grade 11. Now I’m in the same position I was in in grade nine. No real friends. And that amazes me. I see people who are new to the school and they make friends and are in a group RIGHT away yet I can’t. After everything. And I just don’t get it. I don’t get why it hasn’t gotten better, and I don’t get why I can’t seem to make friends. I go to school and I have no one to talk to really, no one to eat lunch with, and I feel so alone. But there’s nothing “wrong ” with me and I’m getting just so….sad.

I know this will be just a spot on the big canvas when I’m older, but its so hard not to focus on it right now, because whether I like it or not, this high school crap is pretty prevalent in a teenager’s life. I just want some friends. And I just want to have fun. And I don’t know, what I’m going to do. I need your advice. It’s Saturday night and I’m crying alone in my bed.

Signed, Marcie

ANSWER

Hi Marcie,

Thanks for writing. I can’t even begin to guess why you can’t make friends. I know it can be hard to enter a public school system when people have known each other for years. I know that teens can be mean when someone is different in any way, even if they have exceptional talents.

My first suggestion would be that you speak to a trusting adult closer to home, perhaps a guidance counselor in your school or a teacher whom you respect to ask for a more informed perspective on what could be causing your difficulties.

Also, have you tried reaching out to people one-on-one, perhaps inviting someone to go to a movie with you or to go shopping? Are there groups that you can join either after school or outside of school that might put you in contact with different kids? Do you have the time to pursue a part-time job, perhaps a sales position where other young people would be working with you side by side?

Take things slowly a step at a time. You don’t need a whole group but it would be nice to connect with one friend at a time.

You really have me stumped. I wonder if any other readers, either your age or older have any ideas. Your letter really made me feel for you. You have a wonderful gift for writing and seem to be mature beyond your years. It is great that you recognize that your situation is time-limited and common among teenagers.

My best, Irene

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  1. Sitting alone at the high school lunch table : The Friendship Blog | August 7, 2014
  1. Amber says:

    Hello everybody ! i can relate to everything you said james i also think people are meant to be in youre life for a season and some a lifetime. My last post on here was when i was a senior. Im a college student now.

    I too for some reason throughout my life has always been put on the back burner. when it came to friendships i was always used to make someone feel better or used as a listening ear. Even to this day my supposedly twin friends i been friends with since junior highschool are not my friends at all. they are each others friends.

    when I make plans to go to the movies or go anywhere with them i find myself excluded. Mind you there parents including them have come to all of my family parties for years. And there mom and them come over to my house on weekends.

    But i have come to the conclusion that i have to let them go. There selfish and they do everything on their terms even if that means excluding me out of plans i initiate. I now know im not a friend to them im used for their entertainment. But it doesn’t bother me at all i know that its time to move on to bigger and better things including people.

  2. Alex says:

    I’m in the same situation,

    I joined this school in the middle of the semester so I’m consider as the “new kid”. It’s very hard making friends. Like you, I am also outgoing and I give speeches and things like that but still, I can’t make any CLOSE friends, just acquaintances. I’d sit alone during lunch because I don’t want to go uo to a random table and ask to sit with them, that would be embarrassing. I’m tired of this, I have some other friends from my soccer club but most of them are not from my school. I don’t want to sit alone during lunch anymore, but I don;t know what to do.

  3. Sydnie says:

    I am in 10th now went to public school my whole life never really made friends either have 1 friend. But she doesn’t go to my school so still extremely hard during the week and my school is very small so their not that many groups of kids to join in with and we have a school trip tomorrow and one of my “friends” called me and texted me b4 and basically bull***** into saying that she doesn’t want me walking around the museum with them and I have no clue what to do………….. But let’s hope that both of us make great life long friends in college and such on sand so forth…. I know that we have a purpose and this has happened to us for a reason and we may not know it for years to come but I know we are made to do something great. Thinking of a good future keeps me going through out the day

  4. Jeremy says:

    Hey my name is Jeremy, and I’m a sophomore in high school. It’s funny because I too consulted the internet for comfort and magically this site comes up and I just can’t help but feel the same way. I am really outgoing, was in marching band, swim, and library volunteering, president actually. I ended up meeting many people but really never having any friends that stuck to me that I could relate to. This might just be me, but I think the fact that I was in so many activities made it hard for me to find that friendship that I was looking for (am still looking for) because I could never get to know anybody that well. The disappointment of not being able to have that friendship started to install a sort of negative routine ..that I still need to break. Kind of what James said, you need to step back and see who your real friends are. Also it might be smart to take a look at the kinds of conversation you make with people. Ice breaking jokes are great for conversation starters but when a relationship becomes just that it tends to become a bit superficial. I feel like the more you share with other people about yourself, the deeper your relationships will become(just keep it mutual). Remember what kind of friend you are seeking for to because self respect is really important. You are an awesome person, I’m sure because you sound a lot like me….Just if something feels off, you need to be true to yourself, otherwise you may just be looking in the wrong places.

  5. rahjay says:

    I am a similar soul….I am an indian & a highschool student (senior year). I’ve always been the “nerd” of my class, even though i’m not that kind of person who just obsess with studies. I’m an average looking guy who hav’nt had a friend ever since he got into highschool. I am the headboy of my school & people’s attitude towards me changed after i got that position. All of a sudden everybody became mean to me and they just caste me aside . I was & still am a nobody there…… I hate going back to my school.. Even though i love my teachers …. Its just that… Nobody wants me there…. I feel so left alone in the world… I’ve told all my problems to my parents,who kept comforting me saying things will get better…. Only it did’nt and kept on getting more and more worse… I am totally depressed and my mind’s going crazy..& now on top of all that these thoughts are just pulling me back from my studies……

    • Amy F says:

      Hi Rahjay,

      Hearing that “things will get better” probably doesn’t feel very helpful when we want it to be better yesterday. High school is a vacuum of insecure adolescents, trying to fit, desperately hoping no one else will realize how self conscious they are. Teenagers look around, assuming everyone else is confident and secure.

      I can’t tell you how many teenagers have told me they felt like nobody, and many of those teens are the ones you see sitting at the popular lunch tables. I’ll bet you most of your classmates are worried too that nobody wants them around.

      You know that people want to be wanted and “seen”, because that’s how you feel. Although you might not be able to see that most everyone feels like you. You can also help others be seen. You can look people in the eye and smile and them. That’s a way of saying: “I see you, I know you’re here, I’m glad you are here” without words. That’s a way of giving away gifts of self esteem, and when you do that, you get back so much more than you give.

      BTW, if you embrace your nerdiness. Find time for nerdy friends, whom I can guarantee are a lot more fun then trying to be like you think everyone else wants you to be. People are drawn to genuine folks comfortable in their own skin.

      When you’re in college next year, you’ll have an easier time finding your “people”, friends who like you just the way you are, because you’re just like they are in your own, individual unique forms.

  6. Anonymously anonymous says:

    I’ll be in high school next year and have no idea how to make friends without blushing and getting panicky. I hate being so socially awkward. I’ve been called cool by some acquaintences, I’m not unnatractive and I’m smart but I just can’t socialize with new people without it being awkward. I try to find people who like stuff in common with me but I’m not so sure I’ll find people this year who like stuff such as anime, pokemon, Steven Universe, tvtropes and Gravity Falls. I’m also very obsessive about stuff I like and I’m an otaku. I’m also bi and no one else really knows (except for my close friend but I’m not sure he was paying attention because class was starting) and I know that if anyone finds out I’ll get a bunch of crap from other people. (I am a guy Btw) I’ve known people at my school for as long as I’ve gone to school ’cause I go to a K-8 school and starting over will be really awkward and when things get awkward I panic and blush and try to flee. What am I going to do in 9th grade?

  7. Neelia says:

    I am currently a sophomore in highschool, and unfortunately without friends. Ever since grade school I never had any friends except for one person. In middle school, however, I did make a nice group of friends that I hung out with almost every week. When it was time to move on to highschool, most of our group stayed together while a few went to a different school. In Freshmen year I was exited and enjoying myself. I won the vote for the Snow Princess (it’s part of our annual frosh/soph dance), I made Principle’s List for every marking period, and was overall very happy. However, in the middle of Freshman year I fell out with one of the friends in the group. Before I knew it, my other “friends” stopped talking to me. I admit I made a few mistakes in the realitionship, but I know they made errors too. Sophomore year is different nonetheless, but I’m very lonely. My best friend from grade school is busy with her own school activities and her own work. Not only that, she’s still friends with my old group and is often pulled away from me. I fear that if I pull too hard, she’ll fall to there side and never want to speak with me again. It’s such an obstacle to make friends. I believe that I am a caring person who will take the time to get to know someone. I like to volunteer, play sports, and just try new things. My confidence and self-esteem was lowered by the fall out, but I’ve began to rebuild it one step at a time. I may be considered a little nerdy because I really enjoy doing Chemistry, but I try to suppress that when I talk to people. I did not try out for my school volleyball team this year because my mom was diagnosed with cancer and had to be operated on. Also, the girl I fell out with is on the team. We played on the team together Freshman year when everything was neutral. Every time I see her in the halls I know she hates me, and it makes me upset. Even my other “friend” who sits next to me in home room won’t talk or even look at me, because she’s a follower and is afraid to be found associating with me. Hopefully things will be better by Spring. I’m going to try out for the softball team ( I’m guaranteed a position) and hopefully make some friends. If that doesn’t succed I don’t know what will. If there is any advice out there that can help it would be greatly appreciated.

    -Neelia

    • jonishelpfultoall says:

      Hey, Neelia. If you need ANYONE to be your friend, I will no problem, I am kind of in same boat as you, if you have a KIK you can add me there [name removed by moderator] if you wish to be friends.

      [Please be advised that this site isn’t intended to link people with each other. Rather it is an educational forum for discussion of issues related to friendship. Because spammers come to the site to mine names, addresses and identifying information, none are allowed here. There are other online matching and dating sites designed for that purpose. Thanks for your cooperation.]

  8. Maria says:

    Hi all, I am a mom of a 17 year old girl. She happens to be in the same boat as many of you, and I feel for you all. She had a group of friends throughout middle school and until 10th grade through cheerleading, but then she had a back injury and couldn’t cheer any longer. Since then, some of these girls have either started hanging out with other groups of friends, or are still hanging out with each other, and have completely shunned my daughter. Even her best friend of 6 years started drinking and getting high and has completely changed. They don’t talk anymore because of how much she has changed. She does have one friend that she has some common interests in, but other than that she is just so lonely. She sits home on the weekends or hangs out with me or her father (we are divorced). Her one friend can’t hang out all the time. Also, she has a stomach condition (called gastroparesis, where your stomach takes a long time to empty food & causes nausea). The medication she is on causes depression…go figure. We are waiting to see if her stomach heals, so that she can go off this medication, or switch her to something that doesn’t cause depression.

    If I give her some suggestions (like asking one of the girls she used to hang with to go to lunch, movies, shopping, etc.), she always tells me the same thing – “She doesn’t want to hang out with me”. Obviously, she won’t try, either.

    Then, one of her guy friends was going to take her to junior prom, but then decided to take her ex-best friend instead. Now, she’ll just be sitting home the night of junior prom.

    Any moms out there that can relate? I’d love to hear from you. I feel so helpless. I hate to “wish life away”, but quite honestly I can’t wait until she graduates.

    • Amy F says:

      Your daughter certainly has been through a lot. I worry that she’s developing patterns that won’t simply go away after she graduates, when she’s in college. When people become clinically depressed, whether due to medication, a negative experience or biochemical reasons, the pathways in their brains often change. This can be seen on MRI and other scans. I worry that your daughter might not lose the depression because she stops taking the pills, especially since there are situational stressors she has also experienced- injury, loss of cheerleading, changes in friendships. Have you talked to the doctor about her depression or seen a therapist for counseling? Her self esteem seems to have also taken a hit, from the comments she’s made about people wanting to be around het. Depression is a viscous circle. She has withdrawn, so she’s not able to put our warm, friendly vibes that make her seem approachable and fun.
      My other concern is with only one friend, she might inadvertently put too much stress on the relationship, which can be off putting. If she loses this friendship, the will likely feel devastated.
      Volunteering can be a great way to build self esteem, feeling appreciated does wonders for the soul. This can be an avenue for meeting friends who share her interests and it’ll look good on those college apps.
      Amy Feld, PsyD

    • Tina says:

      Hi Marcie, I understand exactly what you are going through. I am the mother of a soon to be 17 year old daughter, and I hurt for her. My daughter is not shy, a bit quiet, but not shy, she’s very outgoing and not afraid to try new things, however; she is really having a hard time finding a good friend. She tried out for the cheer team and made it, but that was short lived, she complained that the girls were messy. She will be a senior next school year and she said that she is ready to be finished with high school I try to encourage her saying that college will be better, I pray that I’m right.

  9. Manon says:

    I’m french and I live in France and I live the same things as you guys. I don’t have real friends or someone to talk to. Actually I lost the few friends I had. In France, we are with the same people for all our classes, so they are not much possibilities to make friends. There are also not much activities, like sport, music, art, so I can’t joint a group or anything. I’m alone pretty much everytime, and I can’t hide from anybody, so everybody sees me being alone and I hate that. I can see them judging me because I am alone. I don’t know why I don’t have friends, because I’m not weird, nerdy.. (Sorry to say that). I’m just a bit shy and people probably think “Oh she is shy so I don’t want to know her”, except that I’m not shy at all when I really know someone. I tried so hard to make connections, but now I am giving up because I’m tired. It’s my last year of high school so I think I will survive even if I’m depressed and I’m a mess…

    • Irene says:

      Hi Manon,

      Sometimes when people are shy, people mistakenly think they don’t want to have friends. One suggestion would be to make sure you make eye contact, initiate conversation and let the person know you want a new friend.

      I hope others will offer you more suggestions.

      Best, Irene

  10. Ebenezer Scrorge says:

    When I started highschool, I had lots of “in-school” friends just by virtue of my perceived outgoing and funny personality. I am and was deeply engrossed in playing games and watching anime, more so than your average kid. I didn’t really have the ability to connect to anyone because of this. I stayed like this, hilarious and loved but without any real friends, until the start of my junior year. Instead of trying to conform to what other people liked, since we shared different interests, I tried to pick up new hobbies together with people. This helped us gain something in common with each other. Another great thing to do is just ask people to hang out, if you have the means. Just asking seems to work great.

    I can’t give you completely amazing advice, because we are completely different people. I’m a guy, and know that girls usually have different interests when it comes to friendship. (Also take into the account the very strange fact that I have mostly female friends… probs part of me not having similar interest with most guys). I can hang out with people and not do anything, just being carried with my naturally fun-to-be-around personality. Evaluate your personality and try to determine what factor prevents you from connecting with people, and what you can do to connect with others without changing yourself.

    PS Neat stuff about my personality/thoughts:
    I think just about everything out in my head before I say/do/whatever it. Like a few seconds ahead. this helps my witty jokes.
    I watch a lot of youtube game commentary and anime, and these things shape both my personality and joke use for the short term. In fact, from watching oh so many rom-coms I’ve become like the protagonist of one myself. I attract a lot of attention from girls, but always doubt that I’m actually attractive (never doubt my personality though) or really likable by girls. As a result I have mostly female friends, a good chunk of which would like to be more than friends, but I never take cues and don’t pursue the girls I like with much effort.

    All of this has happened since I learned how to be more than funny and connect with people. Sorry for this super off-topic rant. And with the lunch table thing, just go to one that has someone you kinda know, don’t have to know them well, and sit down if you can build up the confidence. Usually works. Good Luck!

  11. Macy says:

    Hey, my name’s Macy. Like most of you guys I found this searching up “how to make friends in high school” on google feeling bad because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I had a really good group of friends in middle school where we didn’t care what you wore, or how athletic or pretty you were, you were just accepted for who you were and it was literally the best two years of my life. Unfortunately the fairy tale came to an end when we all had to go to different high schools and were seperated.Now I’m in grade 9 and I’m athletic and joined sports teams, I’m pretty smart, I’m not the most outgoing person but I’m not really shy and I’m not really ugly or anything and I try so hard to make friends but everyone has a close knit group of friends already and when I try to hang out with them I’m always the awkward person trying to get into the conversation but I end up just sitting awkwardly beside everyone being ignored. It’s not that they even mean to ignore me, it’s just that they’re in such a big group it’s easy to not feel like you need to talk to the new girl. I’ve tried getting them in smaller groups but they always feel the need to be in a group of ten people. Now at lunch I find myself incredibly stressed out trying to look like I have friends, but normally I hide away in the library and read or do homework and it’s just really depressing seeing everyone with their friends and knowing that all my friends are gone. Sorry I just needed to rant, thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing.

    • haleigh says:

      So I really understand everything you said. Actually, everything everyone has typed sounds like they’re reading my life to me. I went to this really small school before high school, and it was amazing. I was so close with everyone, and when I was there, I was really outgoing and confident. 9th grade came, and everyone left. I’m at another school, everyone is so close with each other and nobody wants a new friend. I try to hide the fact when I’m eating lunch alone. I try to distract myself, but I can feel everyone judging. I try to stay positive. I try. I try. I try. Not that it ever works. I miss being happy, and I don’t like hating to wake up in the morning. I want real friends, or at least people who will eat lunch with me. High School sucks, and I’ve never been so depressed in my entire life. I know it won’t matter in a few years, but it matters now. Especially if I can’t make it to then.

    • haleigh says:

      So I really understand everything you said. Actually, everything everyone has typed sounds like they’re reading my life to me. I went to this really small school before high school, and it was amazing. I was so close with everyone, and when I was there, I was really outgoing and confident. 9th grade came, and everyone left. I’m at another school, everyone is so close with each other and nobody wants a new friend. I try to hide the fact when I’m eating lunch alone. I try to distract myself, but I can feel everyone judging. I try to stay positive. I try. I try. I try. Not that it ever works. I miss being happy, and I don’t like hating wake up in the morning. I want real friends, or at least people who will eat lunch with me. High School sucks, and I’ve never been so depressed in my entire life. I know it won’t matter in a few years, but it matters now. Especially if I can’t make it to then.

      • Tori says:

        You need to talk to your family, ask them to get you someone to guide you through this. You will make it to a few years from now and you will be amazing, there is so much for you to experience, see and explore in your future… you may not see it clearly now, but you will get there. Be the best you and find an outlet that may surprise you to fill the void that you feel now.

      • Navigator says:

        I was you back in high school. It gets better. The effort you put in now might be lost on high schoolers, but that same effort will win you friends in the long run, I promise.

        Here’s a few tips I can share with the benefit of hindsight (I’m all grown up now)…

        1. If you’re worried about looking alone, and people judging you for being alone – you might have a tendency to act ‘tough’, like you don’t need any friends. I know I did. This is ok, to do some or most of the time, but when you find people you genuinely want to be friends with, they will interpret that as you not wanting to get to know them any better. When you sense that theres some friendship potential in someone – try to tear down that wall with that person. My lifelong friends barely knew me for 3 years in high school because they just figured I had another group of friends and didn’t want to hang out with them. They thought this because I wanted them to think this by acting tough.

        2. It definitely takes planning and forethought to open a friendship doorway. Take note of what people are into, what they talk about, what they LAUGH at. Don’t take this to mean you should sell your soul and act how you think other people want you to act, but use what you know about them in conversation. I was SO inside my own head in HS that I had no idea what people were ‘in to’.

        3. This one works far better in college and beyond than in HS, but it’s worth a shot – a GENUINE curiosity in someone else is the easiest, best, and fastest way to become friends. See someone playing a musical instrument/computer game/sport? …ask them about that! Get them talking about it. Find out how they got into that, and how they became skilled in it. And don’t forget the most important part – let them know that you are impressed, or that you have an interest in their interest.

        4. Shared experiences. Notice how many of the cliques in HS are centered around a team sport, or what grade school they went to? That’s because nothing makes conversation flow better (and conversation leads directly to friendships) than a shared experience. If you walk up to someone and begin talking, eventually you both run out of stuff to say, once that happens you both retreat. You both probably think the other one got bored of you (almost always not true). But this doesn’t happen as much to people with shared experiences because you can always fall back to ‘that one time’ or ‘how hot that girl in middle school was’. THIS is why so many people say to get involved. Even if it’s something you aren’t crazy about, getting involved will force you to meet someone new, and then when you see that person outside of that context, you can talk about that.

        Lastly – just remember that you are a good person. You have (or should get) interesting hobbies, and develop skills at things (learn an instrument)…do things that make you a whole interesting person even without friends. Those same things will pay off enormous dividends in the long run when you do make friends (and back to # 3 above – someone might approach you about your skill/hobby).

        Good luck. You aren’t alone.

  12. Abhi says:

    hi guys,
    i just wanted to share my knowledge of of how people are at highschool.
    i remember coming from NewZealand and joining highschool, a few boys and girls surrounded me and the first question they asked me was “were you popular at your old school?”. Just from that question, i understood a lot about high school and how people make friends. i also learnt that most the popular people are mean( insulting people, putting them down, bullying)..in my school, if you want respect, you need to be popular….popular is driving me crazy. :(((

  13. Noelle says:

    Marcie (and everyone else here), I can relate to you SO much. I’m a junior in high school, and I feel completely friendless too. Like many of you, I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with me- I’m smart but not a “know it all” or a “nerd,” I dress okay without “trying too hard,” and not to sound too conceited, but I definitely don’t think I’m ugly. I play varsity sports and I’m in the top 5%, grade wise, of my class. It’s funny because freshman year, I was part of the “popular” crowd, but then I began to drift away from them. I used to have people I could call my best friends. Now, I have a few school acquaintances, people to eat lunch with and to say hi to in the hallways, but that’s it. On the weekends and school vacations, I feel so alone and isolated. Sometimes guys will ask me out, but I’ll always say no because it just feels awkward without any friends to tell. So I think people may think I’m stuck up or something, especially because I tend to be a bit reserved. It’s honestly so stressful and every day I feel more depressed. I’m scared that I’ll never make any real friends and that college will be the same.

    • sam says:

      I’m curious.
      Why did you drift from these people? It seems like you are pulling yourself away from people. I mean, if you are in some extra curricular activities, what is it about these people you don’t want to get close to?
      It is somewhat important to make friends, but its not tremendously NECESSARY. I find it odd that you put off potential boyfriends because you don’t have friends.
      I’m not blaming you for things, but I just think you might be sabotaging things yourself a bit.
      Let me put things like this,
      when I was in school I was in a magnet school, band, academic decathlon and a few other things. But, the friend maker wasn’t me getting in things, it was just communicating with people. The only thing is, as I got older, I realized some friends didn’t have any real academic goals, thus we “drifted” from each other. Then there were others that went in a completely different direction, so more drifting. Then I didn’t care for the people in classes I saw all the time because, while I had many serious things to take care of, they were relatively care-free.
      Most of the time, its not really anyone’s fault, and having only a few friends isn’t bad, but you do have to communicate. I don’t particularly love to communicate all the time, but I sorta force it so I can get myself out there. BUT, if you don’t like the people around you, that’s something different. Its pretty much what you make it.

  14. Hanna says:

    I am a freshman in highschool and honestly struggling so hard with finding friends. I’m not new to the school and have had plenty of friends but after middle school I pretty much lost all of them. I really just want to find a good group of friends. I am not the “nerdy” type and to be honest this is really weird of me to be putting this paragraph on this website. Most people would consider me “popular” but they don’t realize that I don’t really feel popular without friends. I talk to A LOT of people at school but then it’s like when school is over I have no one to hangout with. Maybe I’m just not putting myself out there enough but I don’t know. Honestly just want to cry because I have no one to talk to. There are groups of girls that I think seem pretty chill to hangout with but it’s awkward because they all talk about stuff they do together because they have been friends for a long time. And what sucks even more is because in high school everyone is changing and becoming a different person and it is just soooo hard to make best friends. I also feel like I don’t really fit in with anyone because I am really into the California or NYC lifestyle and where I live is no where close to that. We are half way through freshman year and I just want to find friends before the year is over so that I have people to hangout with over summer. Any tips?

  15. lisset says:

    Hi I am Lisset..and ima tell my story.im a freshman grade 9 I moved to a new school.and I have been having a hard time making friends..in the beginning of the year I made a friend which her name was Cheyenne she was new to the school. Because she came from Virginia and was new to California ..anyways I saw her and she look lost so I went up to her and talk to her and we became good friends till one day she tells me that she is moving to another state.. So I was all sad..because she was my only friend I had and I trusted her with a lot of things ..so to make the story short she left.. And after she left everything has gone wrong.. I have been trying to make new friends but its just like I don’t fit with them…last week I hanged out with this group of girls..and every time I talk to them or ask them a question they just ignored me like if I wasn’t there.. And I felt like crying because I felt like nobody.. And that all I am is a loner who trys to make friends but they end up leaving me behind and ignoring me..I don’t know what wrong with me..I mean I am not ugly or a nerd ..I dress up good..I am nice,funny outgoing person,yet I am kind of shy .but when people get to know me its like nahh your not shy at all..I feel all depressed because everyone talks to each other in every class and I am the only loner sitting down ..:(I just don’t know what to do any more

  16. Hannah says:

    Hey guys! I just found this thread through Google and it’s exactly what I’m experiencing. In August, my family moved from Maryland to Norway (my family is originally Norwegian and my dad’s job brought us back here) where I’m now in the last year of their high school. I speak Norwegian and everything so there’s no language barrier keeping me from making friends, I just don’t know what is. In America I had lots of friends! I had a huge friend group and some amazing best friends; I’m completely normal, good looking, extroverted, and I never spent a weekend night at home alone. I was nervous about coming here and having to make friends, but I had no idea it would be so hard. I’m friendly with everyone in all of my classes, but people rarely invite me to hang out with them outside of school. Everyone lives really far apart for each other so it’s hard to get together for small things. Occasionally i do get invited out, and I get so happy and feel like maybe this is the end of spending my weekend nights crying in bed, but it inevitably goes back to me being home and doing nothing. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, even though I know there’s not because I have lots of friends at home. I feel like I should actually have friends because it’s already December. I’m just so tired of being lonely and sad. I think the hardest thing is not having a best friend here. I’d love to hear about more of your experiences, so please reply!

    • Amy F says:

      Hi Hanna,
      I’m so sorry you’re struggling. The transition from middle to high school is difficult for a lot of teenagers. One of the reasons, as you correctly identified, is that people are changing. High school is a time when teens’ bodies and minds are changing. They’re becoming more independent and growing up from kids into young adults. It’s only natural that some or all your interests and friends might change.

      Rather than looking for a group of friends, start with one person, a girl who might not have been a previous friend, perhaps. Look for someone like yourself who has her own personal style, also not into the NYC or Cali lifestyle. Making one new friend is much more realistic than instantaneously having a new group. Don’t worry if she’s “popular” or “nerdy”, forget labels and find a girl who you like and who likes you back. Join clubs or sports that interest you, so that you can meet friends who also like the same things you do, so you have something in common.

      Appearances don’t always tell the whole story. I bet a lot of your classmates look at you and see Hanna-the popular girl. They can’t tell you feel lonely or out of place. A good number of those girls are feeling the same way you are, but like you they don’t want others to know how isolated they feel. Most of the girls I’ve talked to and worked with feel the same as you, even the most popular girls. Sometimes especially the most popular girls.

      Most friends start as acquaintances, Once in a while a best friendship will come about. You’ll have less pressure on yourself and your potential friend if you don’t place expectations on the role this girl will have in your life whether that be a best friend or summer companion. When relationships develop organically, with out a set path, they’re often longer lasting. Close, long lasting friendships are rarely instantaneously close.

      Be assertive. Once you’ve identified a potential friend and she seems interested in your friendship, ask her what she’s doing on a weekend and if you could join in. Or you can invite her to do something. Asking is hard, because there is a risk she could say no. She has the same risks asking you, so somebody has to make the first move. If she isn’t able to go out, don’t take that as a reflection on you. Try again another time if she seems interested, but busy.

      Focus on more than one girl at a time, so there isn’t too much pressure on making a new friend out of just one person. A lot of high schoolers don’t have a set group of friends because they have friendships with different types of people who may or may not be friends with each other. Whatever works and is comfortable is the right way for you. That might not be the same right way as it is for someone else, but you are your own, unique, special person.

      Be patient with yourself, even though I know you want friends NOW. If you make small goals, like joining one club this week or sitting with one different girl at lunch, you’ll feel successful. Big goals, like “having a new group of friends”, take time and effort.

      Keep being who you are and you’ll find your “people”. Good luck.

  17. Christina says:

    Okay I was crying so hard so I was looking for a way to comfort me. I’m glad to see that you guys are faces in the same situtiation. I hate being the new kid. II cry myself to sleep a lot. I know people won’t read it but I need to rant. I was gonna go to boarding school for high school but my parents turned against because of the price. I went through all the testing and I worked so hard only to fail. I was set to go to school with all my friends I was so sad. I didn’t wanna go knowing that I failed so I transferred. I expected to have friends and enjoy high school. Man was I wrong. I miss everyone so bad. The schools are like 20 minutes from each other. It was all a im inmagination. I was faced with the reality of life. I miss my friends so much. I cry so much everyday because of this. I made friends but not someone that I can trust. Every time I hear inside jokes I feel like laughing and people look at me weird. I’m a freshmen by the way. It was my fault. Everything. I hate myself so much. I was the one that asked my parents to transfer me. I put them through all this hard work only to regret it.

  18. Ruby says:

    Hey guys…I’ve been struggling a lot with school for the past few years and was looking for some advice when I came upon this blog. When I was in 5th grade my oldest brother came out as being gay and I live in Tennessee so people are very close minded;but anyways I started to get picked on by people who I thought were my friends. So slowly I just closed everyone out because I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t accepted. Then in 7th grade my best friend of 5 years moved to Nashville so I was left with no friends and no motivation to make new ones. Now I am a sophomore in highschool and I can rarely make it through the school day without wanting to just give up on myself completely. I used to hang out with all the popular kids(hate to say but I was a popular kid) until I began to notice all the bigotry and ignorance I was being surrounded by. So now, when I try to make new friends with new people, they already have heard plenty of rumors and drama about me so I feel already shut down..I don’t know what to do because I am not the type of person to be rude just because someone else is..and it’s hard to keep doing that in a high school environment.

  19. James says:

    Similar situation to a lot of people here although I’ve been at the same school in second grade, the friends I used to have either have moved away or simply have gotten popular and egotistical and have stopped talking to me or wanted to interact with me completely. Every time I see someone I once knew very, very well…they all turn a blind eye as if they didn’t see me even though I know they have. Just in general, the new people coming in only talk to popular people and completely ignore me. I have no idea what I’ve done or if there are rumors of me that just get out to everyone but its been a terrible High School experience socially and I’m just waiting for my senior year to finish up so I can go to college where hopefully I can meet mature and decent people who don’t care about popularity etc.

  20. Olivia says:

    My situation is almost exactly like Marcie’s but with a little change up. You see, I am in the 10th grade but I have been with my classmates since middle school and even elementary school but the thing is that I have a twin sister and she was always the outgoing one and would make friends and then I would just come along and then I was his/her friend because I was her sister but once when I got to high school, everything changed. I had to make friends on my own and it is really difficult for me. Even if my sister has her friends over, I usually hang out with them but she started to gradually make me unwelcome and would tell me that I need to make my own friends. It was heartbreaking and I cried for many nights when she would go out with her friends and I would be stuck at home all alone. All I am trying to say is that you aren’t alone and I would like to have friends too but for reading the comments, I am guessing you have found some life long friends and I just wanted to feel what that feels like.

  21. Gabrielle says:

    It’s sad to be able to say that I can relate to every single sentence Marcie wrote. Being a senior in high school now, I am praying that once college hits things are going to change.
    When I was in the middle of my 9th grade year, I moved to a new town. For 10th grade, I started at a new high school and I just remember thinking all summer long and wondering what friends I’d make and what kind of people would want to be friends with me. Then reality hit. I was walking into a school full of kids who have literally, and I mean literally, gone to school with each other since kindergarten. Preschool even! These kids may have even all been friends since they’re seven months old in their mother’s womb for crying out loud, it’s that real.
    3 years have gone by and I cant say I’ve made one friend. A real friend. There are those kids you talk to in class, acquaintances, that are good for those 40 minutes but when the period ends they have their real group of friends to go to, and I become noticed again the following day for the next forty minutes.
    I am not weird, at least I don’t think I am. I am not a nerd. I receive good grades, but I’m not a know it all. And most importantly, I’m not happy. It is truly so hard to keep a good attitude when every day you find yourself becoming more and more depressed about the situation that any time people do try and reach out I feel myself telling myself in my head “Oh don’t get your hopes up, they’re only talking to you now. It wont last.”

    It really does suck.

    • Luke says:

      Can I just say that I can relate to everything you’ve just said. The only difference is that I moved during the beginning of 9th grade, I live far away from my school, I go to an all boys school, and I’m in 10th grade instead of 12th. All of what you said is essentially true. Kids mostly have their pre-made group of friends. It takes a ton of effort to make new friends once you’ve already gotten used to the group you were in since elementary school. Therefore, they will not make much effort to befriend you. It’s not your fault. It’s just the way it is and I’m glad you’ve realized this as well.

      Now that you’ve accepted the truth that no one is going to do everything for you. You must take up the task for yourself and get what you need accomplished LIKE THE INDEPENDENT BRO YOU ARE (motivational talk here).

      Now you know the kids who are your acquaintances? Well ask them what clubs they are in. If they are in any then join them (you don’t have to do this, but it helps A LOT). On fridays ask them what they’re doing over the weekend. If they say they aren’t doing much or they are going bowling, etc. Then transition and say “We should hang out sometime.” <=== THIS IS SUCH A SMOOTH THING TO DO. No one wants to just go up to someone and say "I'm lonely. Hang out with me." NO, you have dignity. No one does that. But what I just described works. I've actually gone over a few friend's houses and gotten on some dates because of that and it has improved my social life so I suggest you do that as well. Now whether they become your friends or not is a completely different story. Relationships are difficult at times, but doing this will definitely improve your social life and make you feel a lot better.

      Also join track or cross country. If you like sports, join them. But the reason why I say track/cross country is because those sports are not only walk on, and are easy to understand, but you can meet a lot of interesting people and feel like you're on a team even if you suck at teamwork. Also exercise makes you happier and is proven to be good for you if you are depressed or have anxiety (even if you're out of shape).

      Good luck and try and be proactive about your situation even though it's difficult and you might not want to at times.

      • Natalia says:

        LUKE BRO BRO BRO WANNA BE FRIENDS I’m sixteen too I’m a girl though idk if that would make things weird, i swear to god it won’t be i just honestly like meeting new peeps omg this could be so cool add me on snapchat: nataliacutie

    • Will says:

      I’ve been reading the comments on this feed, and it seems like having little to no friends is a situation girls face more often than guys. I wonder why that is. However I am a 17 year old boy senior in high school and that thing you said about fake 30-40 minute class period friends where they wouldn’t talk to you outside of that class or only talk to you because they have to sit by you makes me sad. The only kind of friends I seem to be able to make. Nobody to talk to, never going to any school events, doing anything after school… it’s just madness that engulfs you after a while. :(

  22. Justine says:

    This question hits hard for me as well. It’s like she is in the same position as me. I’m a junior (girl) and I really did think that I would have someone, friends by now but I just spent (or still spending) Halloween alone and I just feel confused. The only difference I would say between me an Irene is that I am not involved in as many things as she is and I’m a bit more isolated because I’m a super deep thinker and I think maybe other kids are put off by it. I really have learned to love being alone in a way and just focus on working on myself. I try not to spend the energy and time on the depression of having no one I know will always be there. But then I remember my old friends from my old school and everything was just so much easier. I always had something to look forward to on the weekend or had someone to do hw with. Life was so much more meaningful I guess. I feel like there is a hole in me. I’m almost hallow and I just want a person. My person. Anyway I am just really hurting. I guess on the plus side the rain sounds beautiful on my window. Sad and beautiful. If it matters I have no time on the weekdays because I go to an arts school and don’t get home until 6:30-7:00. Kids in my school can live anywhere in la county so it’s rly hard to see other ppl without a huge drive. Any advice on how I can not feel to need to sit in a bathroom stall with my head In my hands? Remember tho I really am like the Irene who asked the question. Outgoing funny and so loving I’m starting to feel like people don’t like me because I’m too nice? Sorry this is too long I’m just ugh

    • Natalia says:

      Hey Justine,
      Guess what
      Join the club
      Oh god i sound like such a weirdo. But hi.
      First of all we could totes be friends coz like why not
      But honestly I’m just like you and Irene. I was kind of bummed out because I realized that Irene wrote hers back in 2012, so I felt like I couldn’t help, but bro you just wrote this like a week ago so I’m still here to catch you. I feel the same way. As in I’m really funny and nice (maybe too nice)? And all my friends from middle school are, now that we’re in high school, (I don’t know about you but I’m in eleventh grade), are obsessed with going out and getting absolutely pissed, but I hate that. I mean, I don’t mind drinking a bit at parties, (yeah, like the three I go to per year) but I don’t get absolutely wasted. Anyway, send me an email or add me on snapchat or something and we can console each other on rainy days or whenever we get lonely and I realise how lame that sounds but I do I get awfully lonely sometimes and it makes me really mad because I’m actually normal like I’m not a freak or a nerd or ugly (sorry for using those words). But anyway I feel like I’m talking at a wall here so I’m just going to leave it to this and if you wanna get back to me you absolutely can. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk I honestly love listening so if you ever want to rant go for it.

      • kate says:

        Can we like please be friends! you sound so cool haha and we could console on a rainy sad day. INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT INFORMATION REMOVED BY MODERATOR

        Kate, This website isn’t intended to connect strangers. To protect your safety and security, your identifying information has been removed. Please read the Terms of Service. Thanks for your cooperation!

    • Brianna says:

      Seriously same here like I changed schools my freshman year to get away from people that I didn’t want to see anymore and I was feeling left out so I thought why not start over so I transferred to a school 15 minutes away and started my 10th grade year there& currently this school year I’m still there but a junior. I don’t regret being at the school but not really making new friends or the “friends”I have we don’t hang out but apparently they do all the time except one & we’re closer cuz I know her better than the other 2. I never go anywhere I’m always home or babysitting my nephews. I’m a deep thinker as well and things that happened in middle school have really marked me so I’m always quiet in class& stuff but if I meet someone by chance or start talking to someone & we’re alike I’m super talkative and have like so much to say but with others I keep it to myself or hold myself back it’s weird. I live 1 hour from LA in the inland empire maybe we can find a way to hang out soon like the beach idk lol once I’m able to drive. We should talk more this is all the social media I have:
      [SOCIAL MEDIA CONTACTS REMOVED BY MODERATOR TO PREVENT UNWANTED SPAM]

      • Amanda says:

        I’m not trying to be mean or anything, besides, it seems that you have confidence and very oblivious to they way you look. [COMMENTS REMOVED BY MODERATOR FOR INAPPROPRIATENESS AND VIOLATION OF TERMS OF SERVICE]

        You need an honest truth and opinion. Isnt that what you want? I hope i helped.

        • Adrianne says:

          Well, that was rude. If you’re not going to say something nice then don’t say anything at all.

          To be honest, I think Brianna is beautiful (:

          • juliette says:

            holy crap, that was so mean! And I think she’s super pretty, what are you even talking about?

            • Brianna says:

              Thanks for having my back & she thoughts she was helping she’s ridiculous like ” I hope I helped”. Like yeah no you didn’t one bit lol. Your beautiful too don’t doubt it! x :)

          • Brianna says:

            Thank you for having my back :) this girl is crazy and is one of those people that the go with what you say like everyone else until you post something like social media & then show their true colors by trying to judge you over why you take selfies lol. thanks tho it means a lot :) you’re a beautiful person because you’ have a good heart

          • Brianna says:

            Thank you for having my back :) this girl is crazy and is one of those people that the go with what you say like everyone else until you post something like social media & then show their true colors by trying to judge you over why you take selfies lol. thanks tho it means a lot :) you’re a beautiful person because you’ have a good heart

        • Brianna says:

          That made no sense and I wear makeup because im into it and I don’t care if people like if I wear it or not that has nothing to do with having friends or not. Who tells someone ” you’re not much of a looker”? Honestly I think the reason why you have friend problems is because you say passive things like I’m not going to be mean but then go and say something rude anyways. I don’t know if you wanted someone to be honest or needed an opinion but you’re not a friend at all and that’s your problem . I wasn’t asking for any opinions just wanted to say what I had to say because this is what the forum is for and to help support others. It’s definitely NOT for people like you . The fact that you look at these to try to find your views on flaws and someone like me trying to reach out to someone displaying my media accts & you purposefully look for that to call people out ,then you judge me & I’m not confident btw everyone can take selfies it’s social media dude get over it . I’m pretty sure people on here are brave enough to say how they feel about the reality of what being in Highschool is like for the majority of us doesn’t mean we can’t have social media & need to feel like we have to hide who we know we are and not show our face lol and honestly you’d be doing everyone a favor just to leave with your “opinion” and not reply .

        • Anonymous says:

          Amanda, and this is specifically for you. Ive been reading youre nasty,rude opinions and conclusions on other peoples comments. Saying things like, “Your solution would be to stop befriending immigrants or Mexicans” or “they are always moving back right? so whats the point of moving to the U.S”. Is the reason why you don’t have friends.

          you’re opinionated and a know it all. and you pat yourself on the back and tear down others, you’re attitude stinks and I’m sure other people can smell it. Im a college student and i can say no ones going to want be around a negative person in college either. You’re attitude towards others only hurts you in the end because you will always be alone if you don’t change it.

  23. Alex says:

    Hey guys. First all all, I’m a girl. Secondly, I’m so sorry for all that some of you have been through and all of you seem like lovely people. I have a steady group of friends and we are very close knit so I thought I would share my experience. I moved school from another country to Australia just at the start of this year. Before, that, my old school had a fixed sitting arrangement so it was really easy to make friends. Two of my best friends were my desk mates and my social group consisted of the classmates sitting around me. So first advice, make friends with people sitting around you. They are the ones you are going to collaborate with the most. One of the best ways to make small talk with your desk mate is through an assignment. Sometimes the teacher will give pair work and you can just discuss the work with them and slowly change to a more interesting topic. Most people will open up immediately. Humour is the best asset.

    Secondly, i suggest looking for people who look lonely in class and make friends with them. Most of the time, they want friends too. For me, I’m kind of an extrovert but most of the times I make more introverted friends first. Then, with a friend by my side (so that I won’t seem too much like a loner), I go make other friends.

    Another way is through collaborative work. I’m sure most schools will have different kinds of group activities. Be it school assignments or group activities, make friends with those people. They will realize that you are actually a fun person to play with!!

    Good luck and all the best:)

  24. Aidan Gardner says:

    I feel selfish being here knowing I have a group of freinds, but before I explain why I am here. (I am guy btw) Personally the way I have made freinds the most is through exhisting freinds from kindergarden (now in high school) but if you mannage to get a freind you can hang out with them and their freind, if you feel you need to know them better to be comfortable around them I recommend if you have a class or lunch or whatever with them and not the other feind, you should sit by the or try to be part of their group. As well you could meet your first freind as well this way. This advice I think could help me get a freind that is a girl as well as girlfreind, but I dont know how to start small talk very well.

    the reason why I am here is also another problem [what if you want to be freinds with a girl without comming of as weird] [how to get to know the freind better outside of school] these are my problems. I guess I am one of the lucky introverts.

  25. Paul says:

    Hey I’m a high school student looking for some information. I have a very close “friend” and she can’t make any friends. I told her everything I know how to make friends but yet again its different to make friends for her. The boys at her school are jerks and hit on her all the time. The girls are snobby to her everywhere. I know she’s a good person, love does not blind that from me. She’s out going and everything a person could ask for. she’ll always be there for you but yet some how she can’t have that one friend that is like her and will stick through the thick and thin. So what do i tell her when the cup is running low on ideas???

  26. Kevin says:

    Maybe, all you guys. go to each person you see (ie one person, the least or more if you’re feeling it (like really confident), and introduce yourself and say hi my name is so and so, do you want to be friends….if you feel like they’re nice enough get their email or phone number, the next time you see them talk more (5min, etc or more however much is relevant), then build from there everytime u see them. Or you dont even need to be straight forward you could just say hi my name, then ask some common question to get to know them (like what classes are you taking, hey do wanna hang out for lunch, etc, whatever you feel is important/pertinent). i just feel that if you say ” Hi my name is so and so, and say directly do you wanna be friends, could i call you or talk to you more the next time i see you” this will divide the good for you type of people and the bad for you (based on how they treat you, who knows maybe they might be your friend in the future they’ll change their perspective). Be open, honest, not too needy, but just the right balance of confidence/forthrightness, and honesty (its just from my perspective if i act too needy they tend to run away emotionally then physically esp women, no offence but just my point of view)….anyways good luck…im a lonely guy, but from my experience, if you can do this everyday one day at a time you will meet at least one person in your school (i believe there is at least someone out there who’s feeling exxactly or similarly like you, their just waiting for you to come along, but when you find them you and they wont regret it….good luck guys. i want you to be happy, i know i suck with these things too, but if you do this i believe things will work out, and i hope oyu all the best….p.s. check out (www.calnewport.com/blog/ AND google: the happy documentary by roko belic and order and watch the movie…good luck gby :) )

    • James says:

      So I just want to add a little piece of information that I’ve learned from my experiences. I’m currently a senior, 17 years old in high echool.

      When it comes to “close friends” I believe that this type of connection has to be balanced on both sides. I used to have a “good friend,” lets call him James, who I would always have to initiate contact with. We’d hangout, but eventually we drifted apart over the littlest things: applying to a different college, prioritizing other friend groups, putting other responsibilities or chores over our friendship. Obviously, he didn’t care about our friendship as much I cared. For instance, even if I applied to a different college, I would maintain contact through Facebook, or perhaps meet if we visited our hometown. But James made no attempt at all to make me an important part of his life. He was a good guy and all, but he was just never meant to stay. So I let him go. Simple.

      Now I have another friend, Brian. Extremely popular, also friends with James, always going to big parties and stuff. Up until now, I’ve never thought of him as my close friend, cuz he always hanging with a lot of other people. Now, Around my sophomore year, my relationship with my parents deteriorated. I quit playing school and club soccer, became more introverted, and stopped going to church with my family. We even had the police come over due to my immaturity of smashing a computer and cursing at them. Honestly, it was my mistake, and a lot of my friends noticed and starting distancing themselves from me, not wanting to get involved. But Brian of all people, still acted the same way towards me, despite having so many other friends he could just have fun with while ignoring me. To this day, as a senior, he still invites me to hangout, or drives by my house to play some basketball. He also tries to get me to go to church, which I refuse, but hope to someday when I fully recover. Ive learned that it’s friends like Brian that will probably stay in my life, no matter what happens. We’re planning on going to different colleges, but somehow, I’m not worried at all.

      Some friends are drifters, others are keepers. (the latter probably being very few” I feel like Brian and I will continue our friendship throughout college and even when we have our own families to attend to. And even if we do drift apart, cuz theres no guarantee he won’t change in college, at least I can sleep knowing there are still others like Brian that I have yet to meet, who can stay with me and be a real friend.

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