No friends in high school: What am I doing wrong?
The high school years are often lonely for many young people.
QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I have never written to you, or any other site like this before, so I am very new at this. But I thought I would give it a try, thinking maybe some outside help/views on my situation would give me a new perspective on things.
I am 16 years old. I’m not shy, introverted, or “nerdy” per say, but I am intelligent, not dumb. In fact, I’m quite outgoing, always trying to put myself out there, putting 100 percent into everything I do. I’m silly and fun, very positive and optimistic, individualistic, always being my own person. Just to give you more of a picture, not because I’m self-involved or anything, I’m not “ugly” or anything. (I’m sorry for using that word.)
I’m nice, inclusive, and enthusiastic but I’m facing this problem that is starting to make me feel so depressed: I don’t have any friends. In middle school, I faced the normal crap that evil children everywhere seem to put on others, which is why I was excited to go to a high school where I knew absolutely no one, to start fresh. A very brave move: going from a private school knowing the same 60 people your whole life, to public school with 1300 kids, knowing not one face or name. But I was ready to take that step, in hopes that I would find a group of friends that I would stay close with for a long time.
Grade nine hit and I got involved. I like taking on leadership roles and being a part of something greater than me to be the best person I can be (even though it sounds cheesy) but I think that is how you grow. I auditioned as a dancer (dance is my passion) in the fashion show at my school, and later that year I ran for Junior Vice President of student council, which I won. I thought to myself this is great: People voted for me because they like me. Things will only get better from here.
Grade 10 hit. I was Junior Vice President (JVP), I was a dancer again in the fashion show, and because I was JVP, I organized an entire charity week where we raise $51, 000 dollars for the school. I spoke in front of crowds very often, so public speaking became very easy for me. Unfortunately I got a spine problem and had to quit dance, but I still remained in fashion show. But, nothing happened. Still no friends in school. No connections. Just acquaintances and hellos in the hallways.
Many lonely weekends later, its grade 11. Now I’m in the same position I was in in grade nine. No real friends. And that amazes me. I see people who are new to the school and they make friends and are in a group RIGHT away yet I can’t. After everything. And I just don’t get it. I don’t get why it hasn’t gotten better, and I don’t get why I can’t seem to make friends. I go to school and I have no one to talk to really, no one to eat lunch with, and I feel so alone. But there’s nothing “wrong ” with me and I’m getting just so….sad.
I know this will be just a spot on the big canvas when I’m older, but its so hard not to focus on it right now, because whether I like it or not, this high school crap is pretty prevalent in a teenager’s life. I just want some friends. And I just want to have fun. And I don’t know, what I’m going to do. I need your advice. It’s Saturday night and I’m crying alone in my bed.
Signed, Marcie
ANSWER
Hi Marcie,
Thanks for writing. I can’t even begin to guess why you can’t make friends. I know it can be hard to enter a public school system when people have known each other for years. I know that teens can be mean when someone is different in any way, even if they have exceptional talents.
My first suggestion would be that you speak to a trusting adult closer to home, perhaps a guidance counselor in your school or a teacher whom you respect to ask for a more informed perspective on what could be causing your difficulties.
Also, have you tried reaching out to people one-on-one, perhaps inviting someone to go to a movie with you or to go shopping? Are there groups that you can join either after school or outside of school that might put you in contact with different kids? Do you have the time to pursue a part-time job, perhaps a sales position where other young people would be working with you side by side?
Take things slowly a step at a time. You don’t need a whole group but it would be nice to connect with one friend at a time.
You really have me stumped. I wonder if any other readers, either your age or older have any ideas. Your letter really made me feel for you. You have a wonderful gift for writing and seem to be mature beyond your years. It is great that you recognize that your situation is time-limited and common among teenagers.
My best, Irene
Category: Teen friendships
this is crazy, i felt like i just read my own life right now. im 16 too, and i cant see anything that would be wrong with me, im intelligent and i can be outgoing, i like to get involved and meet new people and everything, im pretty too.its really cool to know that someone is going through the exact same thing: as much as it sucks, i just try and push myself to always be happy because it hurts to walk through the halls at school and seeing that everyone else fits in and has there own group. this might sound weird and creepy lol but if stuff still has not gotten any better, we should become friends!
Hi Raquel,
Do you have any interests in activities outside of school where you could meet new people—or where you could meet people you already know in smaller groups?
Best, Irene
Although being very visible in leadership positions gets you visibility, it is an inevitable lesson of life that life at the top is lonely. Most people assume that you’re probably busy with your leadership activities. Yes, it boils down to impressions, not necessarily facts. People are easily intimidated by intelligence, beauty, prowess at sports, and even speaking articulately. I’ve been there. Some people judge the leaders of a pack as ambitious and driven, and not at all friendship material.
Go back and read what you wrote. It sounds like a resume and doesn’t mention what you have done to take the initiative to reach out to someone socially like tutoring, going to the mall or library together. Leadership roles are fine and dandy for your college application transcript but do not earn you friendship brownie points. You actually have to say more than “Hi” in the hallway. You cannot expect to be approached. You must take the initiative.
Would you consider taking a break of leadership activities and focusing on one-on-one activities with different people of other interests? Perhaps if you do feel the need to work in a leadership role, what about the more social groups like anti-bullying efforts, book reading clubs, tutoring other students, that is anything that puts in on a more individual basis with people and less crowds. What about being a mentor to freshman, to transfer students, to students who are English language learners, to learning disable students? There are many opportunities to reach out.
All the best. You can get through this.
Yikes! Thanks for noticing that typo (now corrected). Thanks especially for your wise and experienced advice to Marcie.
Best, Irene
Hah. Cracked me up.
I was just making sure everyone was alert
Aside from Irene’s unfortunate typo about you attending PUBIC high school, lol, I agree with her advice.
High school is a strange time of life. Most of the kids are treading emotional waters, trying to fit in. Often the ones who seem to have the most confidence are the most insecure.
A lot of high school friendships are what you’ll call acquaintances when you’re older. Your peers obviously like and respect you, or else you wouldn’t be elected to offices. I’d bet that there are some kids who would love to be your friend, but they probably think you already have lots of friends. HS kids make a lot of assumptions about other people being secure and having friends, I didn’t realize this until my 15th reunion and talked to former classmates who I thought had tons of friends and realized they were just like me. At my 30th reunion last summer I talked with a woman I always looked up to, and she shared that she had no friends in HS. I told her, “I wanted to talk to you, but i thought you were too busy being pretty.” She laughed because she never saw herself as attractive. She thought I was too popular to talk to, but I stayed home every weekend. what a waste!
So put yourself out there. Ask a shy kid to go to the mall with you next weekend, someone who might be a fun friend or someone who you’d like to get to know better. If the mall isn’t your thing maybe a movie would be better, because afterward you can go out to eat and you’ll have the movie to talk about.
Go slowly with new relationships, sometimes going too fast can be intimidating.
You might also join more clubs, if you like writing join the paper or lot magazine so you’ll meet others with your same interests.
I just know there are kids who want to be your friend and if you sounded like the type of girl who’d be an annoying friend, I would NEVER say that.