Needy friends: A friend indeed?
Do you have needy friends? There are some friends who feel like an emotional ball and chain. They’re always in need of one thing or another: money, favors, help, coddling, praise—or simply more time than you have to give.
Like a wailing toddler, they can be so demanding that their friendship tires you and weighs you down. Who needs that kind of friend? Many women do.
- People who like feeling needed—or once liked the feeling (even if they don’t anymore)
- People who feel like they aren’t worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships
- People who are stuck—either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend—and feel unable to get out of it
But if you have begun to recognize that a female friendship is a drag, you’ve taken the first step in relieving yourself of the burden.
HOW-TO UNLOAD:
- Change the nature of your friendship by learning to say “no” and setting boundaries (e.g. “Even though we are both single, I don’t want to spend every Friday night together.”)
- Tell her that you have to tend to your own needs (or those of anyone else you can think of)
- Slip away – Spend less time with her and add other less demanding friends to your inventory
- Take a relationship sabbatical or hiatus from the friendship (you deserve it!)
- If it’s that bad, simply cut loose!
Remember, the term toxic friendships refers to relationships that are consistently negative and draining. It is the pattern, not the one-time or occasional lapses in the balance of needing that occurs between good friends. If your truly needy friend has been that way for some time, the real possibilities of changing the relationship verge on hopeless.
These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way she treats you. It’s likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that’s why she is so dependent on you.
Category: Needy friends
I can relate to all the comments here. I am trying to figure out how to break up with a very needy friend. She doesn´t understand that it´s her behaviour which is causing me to pull away from her, and the more I do, the more she wants to spend time with me. It makes me very uncomfortable that when she has to go out of town on a business trip she won´t go or try not to go because she “misses me”, or if one day she can´t see me or come by she will send sms saying she “misses me” and even gets upset if I don´t want to spend time with her. I also notice that she gets very possessive of my time and even makes rude comments about my other friends, and how I like spending time with my “true” friends but not with her. Whenever I am in a relationship she is always jealous of how much time I spend with my boyfriend and not with her. We have different interests and it´s become very obvious of late that we have gone in very different directions. We still have some things in common but I would rather not spend as much time with her as she would like. She drains my life, and I feel trapped, soffocated by some much attention from her.
Any advice?
I am so bloody sick and tired of this moronic text-speak that has permeated our society. It drives me batty. It’s making people stupid. And myopic. They see the world and communicate with the world within the context of a xxxx (EXPLETIVE EDITED BY MODERATOR) tiny screen in their hands.
Leaving a comment with text slang is rude. It is also unreadable.
Once we learn to befiriend ourselves and become our own best friends, then other people are secondary to the relationship we have with ourselves. I once had a fairly needy friend who loved to talk non-stop for hours about herself, her problems and things about her life. She didn’t have the capacity to listen or be still. I found being with her exhausting and draining. Once, my daughter let her in accidentally whilst I was laying down with a headache. Despite telling her that I was sick and needing to sleep, she continued to talk. It was like one of those movies where the sound is off and the person’s mouth moves constantly. I was feeling awful, so went to sleep. After a bit she decided to go. I decided that although I found aspects if our friendship, nourishing, the overall relationship wasn’t nurturing. I then limited contact severely but she kept making suggestions for meeting. I thought about my options when she suggested bringing her bike in the train and staying overnight so that we could ride together. I quickly suggested that we meet halfway between her home and mine for approximately 3 hours (my limit) and shared that it was a long way to come for just 3 hours. This didn’t suit her and she was put out. It was always about her and what she needed, never about me. She declined my suggestion and apart from her dropping in one day with a friend on her way home, that was the last time I’ve seen her and I don’t miss her a bit. She was exhausting and not really appreciative of food I prepared. She was full of ‘helpful’ advice about how I should make food and what she would and would not eat. The cost of this friendship outweighed its advantages.
correct said! i’m working myself on it. i’m true to my friends, yet there are some points in my life that i become too much negative and hard to myself. i don’t want to be a pain on my assess’ friends.
Great answer! !
i am kumar from bangalore. i m interested for new friends
change your facebook privacy settings.
Amen!!
This article describes my sister through and through. She is so needy and self-absorbed that no one, including my parents, can tolerate her visits for long. She can’t seem to keep a boyfriend or close friends (no surprise) and so she’s constantly unloading on us family.
I’ve already resigned myself to never being close to her, which saddens me greatly. But I can’t deal with her constant need for attention and reassurance. When I try to explain that sometimes people want to talk about THEIR life and not just hers, she gets defensive and then states that “if you love someone, you stay interested in what is important to them” as if I’m a monster for not really caring about the minutiae of her daily life.
Your friend sounds like an emotional vampire and you are being drained. If this relationship is affecting your partner then that is a huge red flag – your partner is a higher priority in your life and you don’t want it to end up causing problems in your relationship.
These people can be sometimes “fun” but, you have to ask yourself, is a little fun worth the price of all the other negative behaviours? Being drained by someone who shows by their narcissistic self serving behaviour that they don’t genuinely care about you in return, the “you-ness” of you that is being dismissed when you try and share what you’ve learned is not a healthy balanced relationship.
This is a good video called how to spot the ev’s in your life – by 4mingthoughts – on you tube – this lady knows her stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fs84L7HIwZI
I speak from the experience of having had an energy sucker friend like this (for 8 years like yourself ) where it did affect my relationship – and all those hours spent listening to her problems, advice that she never took, and if I wanted to talk it would be “can I call you back in about five minutes?” of course there would be no call. When my mother died, and I needed to talk to a friend, she listened for about three minutes and then went right back to talking about her bf problems.
We agreed to meet in person for coffee and agreed meet her at the office where I used to work (and she still worked there) and she asked me to pretend to our co-workers that we had never been friends outside of that work and to pretend to them that we never talked. Both those things hit me deeply and I could see that I was played all those years and that she didn’t give a rats ass about me all that time.
My advice to you is to step back and when you don’t deal with this person for awhile and observe the changes in yourself – good changes from not being drained all the time, which affects health, spousal relationships and self esteem. You will have more free time to spend with your partner and people who genuinely care about you, all the best
I’ve known my friend for about 8 years now. He use to have a lot of friends when he was part of the clubbing scene, but they have slowly all drifted away. My partner and I are now his only friends. He constantly looks for my advice and opinion, but never takes it, ever. He’s competitive with me, over silly things. When I try to tell him something new that I’ve learnt, he always already knows about it. It drives him insane that I am usually busy when he wants me to visit him, and although he sometimes offers to visit me, he very rarely does. He is constantly changing his mind on everything he does even when I suggest that he try something new.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I certainly don’t want end the friendship because it is sometimes fun to be around him, but I’ve had enough and sometimes it affects my relationship with my partner. I can’t stand for that.
Does anybody have this kind of problem? If so, do you have any advice?
Always friends are needed.
Here that sound? That is me, clapping my hands and giving you a standing ovation!!!!!!!!!!
Bravo…I applaud you! If there were more people like you in this world, it would be a much nicer place.
This is so ironic that on this “friendship blog” it would seem that not one opinion is ” holding hands ” with another, and yet we have all come here trusting that it’s safe to share and express. This is friendship in the simplest form. We are all friends here, we are practicing on different levels with different needs, but with respect and trust there is no denying our capabilities. Thank you.
a true friend is someone who may need help once in awhile when they truly fall down, but also a true friend does their best to stay positive. They don’t continually unload all their toxic stuff onto others as a way of life. A true friend is doing their best to have the discipline to provide a positive basis for the friendship, not be a consistently needy toxic, energy sucking vortex.
JUST THE OTHER NIGHT THIS FRIEND OF MINE WHO I MEET JUST 4 MOS AGO CALLED ME AND LEFT A VOICEMAIL STATING, ” I LEFT YOU A TEXT MESSAGE YESTERDAY AND YOU HADN’T CALLED ME. “ARE YOU OUT OF TOWN ON BUSY? IF SO, PLEASE LET ME KNOW SO THAT I DON’T CALL YOU WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF TOWN….I WAS QUITE ANNOYED AND TEXT HER BACK SAYING, I WAS A OLD FRIEND YESTERDAY AND AS YOU KNOW I AM NOT A PHONE PERSON.” I PREFER TO TEXT OR TWEET FRIENDS AND FAMILY….
SHE THEN REPLIED, OH I DIDN’T GET YOUR TEXT…
THIS PERSON ALSO CALLS ME ON SUNDAY’S WHEN I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER THAT I DON’T ANSWER MY PHONE OR TEXT MESSAGES ON THAT DAY BECUZ IT IS A TIME FOR ME TO MEDITATE…..ON TWO PREVIOUS SUNDAY’S SHE CALLED ME ANYWAY….I WAS SOOOOO ANNOYED AND ANGRY THAT SHE CROSSED THAT BOUNDARY AND HAD A TOTAL DISREGARD FOR MY TIME.
I might suggest a different definition of true friendship than depriving myself to fill in the gaps n someone else’s life.
For example if i had a friend who didn’t have any food i would not give them all of mine i would share it with them and i hope they would appreciate that.
I have pulled back from friends in the past because i have a tendency to become an emotional dumping ground. I had friends who brought all of their troubles to me and then spent all of their happy time with others. I do not consider these people friends.
People who only want to see you when you can do something for them are only interested in your extrinsic qualities i.e. what you can do for them. People who actually like you for your intrinsic qualities (your personality) will want to share their good times with you as well. You should consider how you would treat a friend and then treat yourself equally well.
If you don’t tell your friend then your heart will be filled with resentment and over a long period of time that is very unhealthy for both of you in the friendship relationship – so tell her as you’ve told us here. A good way to facilitate listening is to use the talking stick – you pass it back and forth – the person with the talking stick does the talking (without being interrupted) then the talking stick is passed to the other person who again gets a chance to speak uninterrupted. So you could tell her that you want to be her best friend but point out how her behaviour of not listening can be very frustrating. I read in another post when doing this is to use I statements so the person can’t twist what you are saying and discount your feelings.
The nursing home comment in this thread was completely out of
line (It has since been deleted). It was simply mean and ageist.
But in all honesty, I didn’t react as negatively to the recent
comments as many people did. I see a big distinction between
name-calling and using labels to describe behavior. While this poster came
across harsher than I might have, I think she was trying to make a valid point.
This goes to show how sensitive people are to words and when
we are careless about their use, the no longer hold the power to communicate.
They’re just off-putting.
Thanks to all who expressed their discomfort and for the
reminder, truly a teachable moment. Irene
I haven’t seen results from “in order to make good friends you have to be good friends with yourself.” I know many people who are riddled it seems with self loathing. But they are surrounded by friends. People have ways of hiding and compensating for low self esteem and it doesn’t seem to completely hinder them from achieving in life, including friendships. I know this is a firmly held belief, that you have to be friends with yourself or love yourself before others can love you. But I just don’t see the evidence of this. Look around in society as well in your own circles. Don’t you see peole of low esteem who seem to have friends? I do.
Other people saw the red flags you saw, but didn’t bludgeon the poster to death and didn’t treat her comment SOLELY as academic stuff. That’s what you do: treat it like it’s SOLELY academic. Your message gets totally lost in your iron fisted approach. Irony, perspective, and self awareness? Not that I can see.
I second this motion, it would be helpful and also would help friendships on both sides because often problems in friendships can be caused for this very reason – the person being blunt is not always helpful, even if the advice is good but said in a mean tone, and can cause resentment.
I do agree with the poster who said “in order to make good friends, you have to be good friends with yourself.” When self loathing I attracted negative people who just loved to put me down and I let them. Learning to be a good friend to myself has helped me to attract nicer friends because I will not tolerate negative dumping as before.
good luck getting results beating someone over the head with your harsh words and warnings, ignoring that they are people with feelings. good luck calling people names to make them see the light and see things as you think you do. hope you do your future name calling and brow beating on another forum. this forum is for humans with feelings.
“Are you a sadist?”
No, but this darn sense of irony, perspective, and self awareness can be a real drag. You’re so lucky you’re not bothered with any of that academic stuff!
Again, you are name calling and being insensitive and rude. I guess you care more about “the issue” than the HUMAN BEING. What on earth would make you read and respond on a “friendship blog” where people come for consolation and kindness? Are you a sadist? Or just Dr. Spoke. It’s all academic, isn’t it. You could care less I guess how horrible it is to name call.
“Calling someone on this blog pathetic and nuts is horrible.”
The behavior is pathetic and nuts. It’s also sad, self-destructive, and completely unnecessary. This person is going hungry. That’s a big red flag with a bike horn attached to it. I think YOU are missing the larger issue here.
Hi, Irene. It seems your blog attracts some real hard-core “tough love” comments these days. Remember the one the other day where some one said, “You don’t want to die alone? So, don’t. Move to a nursing home.” It makes me wonder if this is a good chance for you to address this issue where people can be too damn blunt and too eager to make proclamations and give “advice” without a shred of sensitivity. I mean, come on. This is a blog devoted to wounded friends, seeking solace and insights, not tough love wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am wallops on the side of the head. Maybe a blog post about how to give “advice” with a spoon full of sugar instead of a ladle of cement. Might be helpful to your readers. (Including this one.) Thanks.
Your comment is rude, aggressive, and not “friend”ly.
Life, and relationships, are not so easy-peasy. People do not always “learn” from being “taught” how to treat someone. If it were so, we’d all apply this rule, reap the rewards, and there would be no need for a blog on friendship. And YOU wouldn’t be reading same friendship blog on the Internet, would you? Calling someone on this blog pathetic and nuts is horrible.
There is a world of difference between being a good friend and being a pathetic doormat. You teach people how to treat you, and you’re teaching your “friends” that it’s ok to wipe their feet on you. Starving yourself? Good grief, Anon. That’s just nuts. You want better friends? Start by making friends with yourself. Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. Protect yourself. Stop giving away your grocery money. People who don’t support you are not worth going hungry for.
I think I’ve reached the point of no return with a friend. She talks constantly (about herself) and changing the subject is impossible. I stopped answering her calls, and started getting “I need support!” voicemails. If I do take her call, I can’t get rid of her. I finally had to interupt her at one point and tell her I really needed to go to bathroom and just hung up.
She hurt her knee last week, and so far I have heard the how-I-hurt-my-knee story at least half a dozen times. I drove her to her doctor appointment the other day, and will never do it again. Between the non-stop talking, not bringing enough money for her lunch or co-pay, and heavy hinting about driving her to her next appointment, I was just done. While driving her home she kept making suggestions about getting something to eat so “we” could talk, even though I told her I had things to do and needed to get home.
She’s home alone with a bum knee, but I just can’t bring myself to call her or take her calls. Sitting in silence while she drones on about it for an hour… It’s crazy making and I won’t do it.
YOU may be a wonderful friend…but your “friends” are “friends of convenience”. They use and abuse your kindness. Why you would lend money to the point of starving yourself, or rearrange your schedule for them, when it is not reciprocated, is beyond me. This is all one-sided. YOU are doing all the giving and they are taking everything out of you. Not a healthy situation for you. With “friends” like these, who needs enemies as the saying goes.
Jacqueline
Some “friends” some of you are. I’m always there for the few friends I have. They need money? I give it to them, even if that means starving myself by rationing my food consumption (which happened last month) They need to talk, I’ll listen to them and give them advice as best as I can. They need to go out for a coffee to relieve stress? I’ll arrange my schedule so that I can be with them.
But them? Whenever I need support, they either downplay it or flat out ignore it, and in times when I REALLY need help, none of them are there to support.
I think you lot actually belong to that camp. Friendship, TRUE friendship, has been downgraded in this age where everyone is a “friend of convenience”
I admire your courage to tackle this problem and to listen to your friend when she told you this and you are doing the work to help yourself so you have a lot to be proud of
Being an emotional pillow for this friend who won’t listen to you is very unhealthy for your self esteem – in not listening and discounting you your friend is showing how she really feels about you.
You could have a heart to heart talk with her about how you feel the friendship has gone one sided – if she is willing to listen that is healthy – if, on the other hand, she gets defensive and tries to cut you down for expressing yourself then that is a red flag that the relationship is not worth staying in.
Being around people who are negative towards you while you are battling depression only serves to keep you in a toxic cycle. You have your own life to live and to live happily
and it is not a constructive use of time to continually be a host for someones issues when they don’t reciprocate in return and when it is always about them and never about you.
Once you distance yourself from this baggage dumping, you might find yourself surprised at how good you feel without the emotional weight and energy drain of a one sided friendship where you are always being the counsellor.
I just discovered this interesting blog. I have had two (now ex) friends who are as many people have described, and I agree with Anyonymous that (most often) they are simply selfish and self-absorbed, and it is all about YOU supporting THEM. I, too, am relieved that these women are no longer part of my life. I won’t describe the behaviour of one in particular, suffice it to say that she treats almost everybody with the most appalling rudeness, nastiness, lack of respect, and bullying behaviour. I’m usually pretty good at knowing what kind of person a new friend is after a short time, and am also pretty good at saying “no” to people when necessary. But I’ve learned that sometimes, I haven’t make good choices, and have had to ask myself why I’ve stuck with them for so long, because I’m not usually a masochist LOL. I’ve also learned that this happens again, I’ll see it much sooner and will need to address the issue immediately. Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories, it’s been interesting and helpful.
She could be in love with you
I’ve seen the impact on fast-food communication–aka texting and tweeting–in my work world and from young people (teens and twenties). Their grammar and syntax and spelling are definitely lacking. I think for grown-ups who were schooled in correct grammar, usage, and spelling, texting and Tweeting doesn’t have such a terrible impact. But young people growing up thinking that “RU OK?” is acceptable …. that’s another story. We are an instant gratification country. As for food, I also know of so many young and now approaching middle aged married people who couldn’t prepare a real meal to save their lives. Yes, of course, exceptions exsit. But the overall trend is taking hold and lowering our standards.
Texting and typing is a tool, a fairly new one, that when used the right way,even with typos and grammatical errors, help connect people.It shouldn’t and usually doesn’t replace personal contact, but adds to communication. I also agree with Irene that the above text was ludicrous. But to generalize that texting is like fast food, not true.So waht if people eat fast food instead of taking the time to cook? Maybe they get take out salads because they work alot and don’t consider it worth their time to cook. Texting can be thoughtful, I know I think and use my brain, but write clear enough to be heard, even with grammatical errors and typos.
Eating fast food instead of taking the time to prepare nutritious food yourself. Texting and tweeting instead of taking the time to speak to someone in person, instead of taking the time to use your brain and communication skills to write out full sentences. It’s all the same thing. Our society has become so fixated on what’s easy that taking short cuts is routine. This is what you get: garbled thinking and written expression.
Many guests who come to the blog use mobile devices with teeny, tiny keys
I agree that the post above was too hard to read!
Irene
Not fast food mentality, just text amd tweets that make life easier sometimes.
I suspect the poor typing skills are a result of this tweeting society we now live in. Texting, tweeting, etc. It’s fast food mentality.
Wow, you really need to take a look at your typing skills. No one can help you if they can’t read what you’re trying to say.
I hv a gel 4rnd nd i lv her very iam insane without hr she’s olwyz in my mind,evrythng i jst can’t do right becoz i’m olwyz thnk abt her,she lost hr mum nd dad,when am coling hr she ignores ma colz.whn am chatting she toks of thngz i did to hr(cheating)bt it waz jst sumthng happened nt even 2 mins.i lv her very much and its been 5 months not seeing her and that’s worries me and stressing me.help me please
Yeah the same thing is going on with me my best friend has been having problems with some other friends and I’ve been giving her advice for the past two weeks! Since last week I’ve had a problem with my guy friend . So I thought she could help me with my problem since i’ve been helping her with hers. So I asked her for help and she brought it back to her problem! And I just texted her that I couldn’t stop thinking of my problem hopeing she would give advice but she just put the subject back to her! I also don’t know what to do because I want to still be her best friend but I also want to tell her how I feel! HELP!!!!!
First of All
You Take Care Yourself
Life means missing expected things and facing unexpected things.
When you are right no one remembers but when you are wrong no one forgets
Life means missing expected things and facing unexpected things.
When you are right no one remembers but when you are wrong no one forgets
thank you. i will do that…i think i just needed someone to help me not feel like a jerk or something. thank you again.
Re – read what you’ve written over and over. Doesn’t sound like your love is reciprocated at all. She sounds somewhat narcissistic which is a type of person you should run from. You deserve a girlfriend that you can feel light with, have fun with…you’re 16! If you’re miserable with her then ask yourself WHY you stay.
So, I’ve recently broken off a friendship with a guy who used to be clingy. Since I stopped being friends with him, he’s turned all obsessive and has been stalking me.
The thing is, I have a small group of mutual friends with him who continue to spend time with him despite being made aware of how he has been acting and treating me. Even still they’re friends with him after he has told me that he keeps them as friends only so he can be close to me.
I’m desperately trying to not get upset or be jealous over them deciding to spend time with him. Or be mad at one of them whom has lied and told me that he’s cut all times with this guy, but I know they’ve been hanging out. But its just so hard.
I don’t want to push them away as friends also, but its so hard to not be upset, mad or feeling betrayed when i’m around them.
Any advice on how to handle the tricky situation would be great.
Anon, what you’re describing is an abusive relationship. I don’t know if she’s *threatened* to hurt herself if you break it off, or if she’s implied it, but lying about your relationship in front of other people is Not Good. That she cuts herself means she’s troubled. There’s no way you can be her therapist. You are not responsible for her mental well-being.
You’ll have to start being proactive about not letting her into your life, if that’s what you want. If you have caller ID, do not pick up the phone. If you have a cell phone with blocking capabilities, block her number. It may seem cruel, but unless you want to start seeing a therapist yourself about why you allow someone to advantage of you like this, you will need to take charge and at some point, let her know her requests and lies are inappropriate and you cannot deal with it any longer.
I started reading this and right away there were several things that jumped out at me that I have in common with this situation: I’m relatively quiet, I’ve been dubbed the “group mom” as well, I’m also the one that EVERYONE (whether they mean to or not) vents to and depends on. Right now I have one particular friend whose been giving me a really hard time. She, unfortunately, is my closest friend (I’ve known her since we were little kids) and lately its turned into an EXTREMELY one-sided friendship. Every time we talk she always wants to gossip about things I don’t care about, complain about her figure (which is 100% normal), stare at herself in the mirror, criticize me, or play with her phone like I’m not there. Anytime I try to bring up a topic I feel like she’s always half listening, bored, and apathetic so most times I just don’t bother anymore. The worst part of the whole thing is that she’s only like this around me! With our other close friend she hardly EVER acts like that! Our other friend is bubbly, outgoing, and generally well liked. So despite the fact that I put up with all my “friend’s” issues, when our other friend is around it’s like I don’t exist. Our other friend includes me casually, but I feel like my friend practically forgets I’m there. I seems as though I’m always the one taking care of her and she never does anything for me in return. I’m not even asking for her to listen to my problems, I just want her to listen to me when I’m talking to her and even if she doesn’t care at the very least do what I do when she’s gossiping or obsessing about her figure and just act like she’s paying attention. Seriously, I just want a minimal contribution. It really shouldn’t be THIS hard to have a friendship. Sometimes people go through rough patches, but this has just been going on for too long! To sum it up: She always talks about herself, I can’t really contribute to our conversation, I feel bored in all our conversations, and I feel like she doesn’t really care about me at all. The saddest part is that I actually DO like this girl. Before this all started she was really sweet, nice, and funny. Now I feel like I don’t know her sometimes. I also DON”T want to leave her. She’s my best friend, and as much as I hate to admit it, I would be slightly alone without her. I wish I could let her know how I feel but I’m almost positive that it would lead to denial and fighting. I wish there was a way to make this toxic friendship right again!
If you have any ideas, please comment.
dude im a boy and ive been in the exact problem i really liked this girl at one stage i feel in love with her but my freinds didnt like here so i followed and i was so meen she left to go to a different school and her freind that goes to my school and is still here freind told me if she mensions my name they dont talk so dont do what i did
i have so many problems and i’m in love with a girl, but this girl is very problematic sometimes ,she goes back to things from a year ago of what i though of this girl or blah, and she always thinks im lying , when i ask for aid from a friend ,she comes to me asking me whats wrong, and i get upset knowing she wouldnt had done that if she didnt go through my facebook inbox and saw someone actually trying to help me, so she comes to me , she makes it seem like she cares but to me it doesnt seem like it as she brings me back down to way she had me when she was arguing with me, shes suppose to make me feel better not make me worse! i don’t understand why such things like for example “did you think this girl was hot?!?!” same things like that everytime ,for a fact she’s NOT insecure thats for sure she shows me and tells me all the time, it seems like she doesn’t care to make me feel any better, she totally forgets about what was wrong with me and argues with me intead
then when it gets to the point i am giving up she logs off on me ,leaves me ten times worse than i was before, i feel so mentally unhealthy , i am 16 years old and i’ve been with this girl for 1 year and 1 month
Listen to your gut – it is there for a reason and it is telling you a message and you are being wise to listen to it. Just think of it this way – you are worrying about hurting your friend, but your friend doesn’t seem to feel bad about taking up so much of your time and energy. You are not being selfish because you want to live your own life and not be a host for someone elses.
You aren’t responsible for someones emotions and how they choose to feel, if she is getting mad because you don’t want to give up so much of your time to her, then let her be mad, she has to learn to deal with her own emotions. Also she is being very inconsiderate and disrespectful – there is a pattern going on.
I am older and two important things I’ve learned quite recently, after spending years with allowing friends to take up my time with their issues, is learning about the concept of boundaries, and learning how to say No without feeling guilty about it.
setting boundaries and graciously saying no
http://ask.metafilter.com/85414/Setting-boundaries-and-graciously-saying-no
Time vampires
http://www.healthmoneysuccess.com/1974/are-you-wasting-your-time-away/
A book that can help teach you to say No to strangers and acquaintances is a book by Gavin DeBecker called The Gift of Fear.
It is an easy read and has a lot of good concepts about peoples behavior. Though it is written about how males can victimize females substitude, so there is a bit of a gender bias going on, substitute he for she when reading as females can be just as manipulative as males.
*pretty much
oh! and also, she pretty has slandered some of her other former friends infront of me and some other people. its just crazy.
Soo, My friend is a male hes 12 and im 12,a few weeks ago,my best friend (Female),likes my (male friend which is 12^) so i asked her if i can ask out my guy friend for her because shes totally in love with him,So she says ”i dont care
” so i do just to make them happy! i asks my guy friend if he likes her,if he wanna go out with her..he says ”idk”so a few mins later he asks her out of course she says yea?! but then later on at the day she told me she wants to break up with him because they never see each other very often.so i goes and bes stupid and tells carter this ” im sorry for you to here this but Kelsie wants to break up with you soon because you guys never see each other hfy 
”
help please!!
then he says oh..?” & i will say Are you ok?.. ;/ hfy!” he said no ” Anyways he just gives me stright forward answers! then Kelsie finds out that i told him when i never ment ot break them up!,then she goes and writes on his status on facebook ” Im not breaking up with you beb<3 its all bull! so now my ex guy friend says he hates me & he never answers my texts never talks to me anymore even tho i told him im sorry and explained everything to him but he never talks to me anymore ( Btw.. im not giving up on trying to get to be friends again because ik theres gotta be a better way then that!
I’m in such a similar situation. Really similar.
After I invested a LOT of my own thoughts, resources, time and energy into her most recent issue (it’s a legit one, to be fair), and seeing absolutely no growth or initiative, I realized that I was exhausted and angry with her. I would give AWESOME advice and well thought out guidelines for her to reclaim some control and/or joy in her life, and I expected her to take that advice and make do. Generally this is how it goes: she’ll say she wants to or needs to do something (to get over it, be better at it, etc) but doesn’t know how to accomplish it. I’ll giver her step 1 followed by an outline of the bigger picture. She does step one and I assume she’s going the right direction and will follow through logically. Then she comes to me for step 2. Repeat. Comes to me for step 3. Repeat. And I’m basically making her decisions for her.
I finally sent her the following texts after playing this role for 3 straight months with no break, no growth, no glimmer of hope, verbatim:
“KC, I really don’t want to hear how stressed you are if you’re not going to do anything about it. I feel like I’ve put more logic, planning, and action into this whole getting-your-life-back-on-track thing than you have. And I’m doing it because 1) I love you and 2) you’re telling me this is what you want.
I’m supposed to help and hold your hand through rough times. That’s part of being and having a best friend. But I dont feel like your pulling your weight and thats the part that’s really affecting me negatively.
Lately, I feel like you forced me into a parent role. And I don’t like it and I’m starting to wonder if I’m not the first person you’ve done this to, since I know how many people in your life have told/still tell you that you need to grow up.
I’m more progressive ‘partner in crime’ material. I need you on that level.
I really don’t have that many people in my life who I would care to demand they be better. Usually, if they cant move forward with me in life, they get left behind. This is why a lot of my former close friendships have faded and I really dont want this to happen to us.”
I think this really opened her eyes to what her actions or non-actions were doing to our friendship. I mean, she’s still clingy, I’m sure it’s a tough comfort zone to break out of, but I feel so much better having told her that. Also, one of our really good friends (I’m still close with him, he threw in the towel with her a couple years ago) is in a psychology/ student development PhD program and he’s identified her as having moratorium. Look it up (student development moratorium), it might be enlightening for your situation, too.
Here’s something I found just now as an example:
“Women who are identified as moratorium look to others for approval and how to build their life and establish their identity.”
“moratorium status occurs when the individual internalizes the paradox that there are many ways ‘to be right” (Evans et al., 1998, p. 60). Before reaching moratorium status individuals have learned their families’ values and believe that there is only one way to be and identify oneself. As women begin to realize that there are many other ways of being they are overwhelmed, which brings about an experimental time of searching for identity.”
I hope some of that was useful to you. I’m still dealing with the situation but I think understanding it and drawing boundaries by telling her how I really feel helps me to help her. Ugh, good luck!
I wish I could find a guy like you. Most men would have taken her up on her offer and hoped that their wife didn’t find out. Your wife is a lucky woman. Be proud of yourself.. you did the right thing and you will be able to live with yourself knowing that
I have a friend whos like that: very needy, no self esteem, and is some one who feels like it everyone in the world doesnt love her, they all hate her. this is so much to the point she cant keep very many friends. when we 1st met, she seemed fine (if a little on the emo side of things) but since november its just been crazy. she thinks im her best friend or something, calls my house crying when im trying to have dinner with my family, and has even asked me out and back in november told some people we know that we kissed…(not true btw.)
so i want out of this friendship despartatly. shes truely insane. however, whenever ive tryed to break the ties, let it slide and such, she calls me and is all upset and i feel like terrible monster if i stop being friends with her. but is SOOO draining. im going to go crazy if i dont end this thing. but she also is cutting herself, and she has a therapist who knows and such, but she wont talk to the therapist and does the whole calling me thing were she wants me to be her therapist. idk what to do, i want out, but if she did something terrible to herself id feel like it was my fault.
so does the “its not right to help her just becaue you feel sorry for her” apply?
So next to a new girl in class and she asked me if I could hang out with her at recess and of course I say yes but this.happens to me all the time and my best friends don’t like.her and I don’t ether and I don’t know how to get her to not hang out with me and all my friends don’t like me right know and I am really upset:(!!!!!!!PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
I’ve become known in my circle of friends as the “group mom” (my term, not theirs)–the sympathetic one who will listen no matter what and try to offer helpful advice. I’m a naturally quiet person, and most of the time I don’t mind it: I’m glad they trust me enough with their problems.
And yet…
A couple of my friends are a bit too reliant on me. One has sort of dropped out of the picture, but the other has become extremely clingy over the last year. She went on a spiritual retreat over the summer, and came back with the realization that she needed to become more open with the people in her life–”people” meaning me and one of our guy friends. It wasn’t so bad at first: again, I felt almost honored to be her confidante.
This was all fine for about two months, but she became increasingly needy over time. Every night would feature her coming into my room to vent to me about her problems (did I mention she’s my roommate?), which more often than not resulted in tears and/or her forcing me to call our guy friend for emergency handling (much to the chagrin of his girlfriend). I told her after a while that she was smothering me a little, and she promised to back off. Of course, her definition of “back off” means not crying as she talks to me about her problems while leaning against my door.
To make matters worse, I’m expected to pay for everything. She’s pretty much flat-broke and in a dead-end job, and I have an available income, so for several months I’ve been picking up the tab on groceries and other things. She’s been paying for things more, and it’s mostly my volunteering, and maybe it’s a smaller thing in comparison, but it’s there and it’s annoying.
Now she expects me to hang out with her every day. Coming to eat dinner in the cafeteria with our friends for 3 hours (hello weight gain), asking me to come to organizations and events that she knows I wouldn’t take part in in a million years–any opportunity to hang out with me she has, she takes it. I would be happy if it were any of my other friends, but her needing me at her side just makes me feel even more drained.
The problem is, she’s not ungrateful. In fact, she’s completely the opposite of ungrateful. She’s expressed her gratitude at my constantly listening to her and putting up with her problems and giving her my friendship. I have a note on my desk and Hanukkah cards on my nightstand from her. For my birthday, she made me a DVD of pictures of the two of us. And just today, she gave me a friendship bracelet. Yeah, you read that right, a friendship bracelet.
I feel like it’s partly me and partly her: she’s the one who needs me, but I’m the one who helped contribute to the neediness. I’m afraid if I tell her how I feel, I’ll come off as selfish and ungrateful for her friendship, which I’m not. If I drift away from her, she’ll feel betrayed and broken-hearted, but if I stay in this pattern I’ll suffocate. How do I get myself out of this situation while still keeping her friendship? Please help.
Start a paper trail by noting down every time she harasses you; and lodge complaints to your landlord or management company. If they don’t do anything (she’s disturbing the peace and your right to live peacefully) then you might want to move up to a restraining order from the police OR a nice firm letter from a lawyer to her and the landlord/management that anymore harassment will end up in a lawsuit. If she’s being really aggressive about it, you might want to do this quickly, and maybe record her doing what she’s doing.
I have a friend who has many family issues and her family background is extremely complicated as a result. Her parents abandoned her when she was a kid, and went on separate ways. She now lives with her grandma. I am aware of her situation but i have no idea how to help her. Sometimes she’s normal and sometimes she’s not. I know she has many things kept inside her heart and everytine i ask her, she will shrug it off and change the topic. Other than this, she also claims to watch japanese porn. She goes around telling ppl she watches porn and many believe her, as she seems really well informed in that aspect. But i’m VERY sure that she does not. And all this is just a pretence and a way of gaining her crush’s attention. But its not working. Other than this, she has really frequent moodswings which irriate my friends and upsets and worries me alot. E.g. while chatting, her emotions will suddenly change, and she will ignore everyone and walk out of the room. This has happened many times. Sometimes i wish i could help her, but she doesn’t seem to want any help. Perhaps its to preserve her last bit of dignity. I do not dare to tell this to my mom, bcuz i know her reaction would be to ask me to stay away from my friend. Sometimes i really wonder if her eccentric behavior, is bcuz of the lack of parental love that she has never had before… Which explains why she behaves in this way. Sometimes i feel really frustrated and upset bcuz i do not know what’s wrong. P/S she tells me she hates everyone in my class although she has lots of fun with most of the ppl, and she says she hates me too…
I hope someone can give me some good advice on this, other than counselling
There is this girl who lives next door to me in her 30′s. I am in my 50′s. I have such a busy schedule with my job and work I don’t have time to socialize. She’s such an over-bearing busy body that I ran when I saw her coming. That is a total turn off for me! So;she purposley becamse friends with the woman next to me and popped in her apartment from morning to late at night. Now my neighbor stopped talking to her! Since all this happened…this psycho-neighbor in need of friends has started harassing me from day-to day and yells all kinds of mean comments out when I get into my car to go somewhere. What can I do??? Is she going to show up with a machine gun next?! I would’nt put it past her! PLEASE HELP!!! IN NEED OF HELP TO GET RID OF NEEDY-PSCHYO NEIGHBOR!!!!!
I have a male friend who I have known for almost 5 years. We have kids the same age and they went to HS together. We’re good friends but he doesn’t open up much about his own life and I do. Once in a while he will say something that I can help him with, but it is few and far between. Just getting to know his life story was a major effort. Recently I have gone through some tough times with my job and aging parents. My worrying had become all consuming and he recommended I see a therapist because he obviously couldn’t provide me good answers. I have gone to a therapist for help, but sometimes I just want to talk with him. I know I bring up some of my issues when we talk, but I also talk about things going on in his life and with his family.
I think recently, he is getting tired of my issues and is not responding to texts or emails or even to IM like he used to. He tells me things are fine but I think he wants to cut me loose from our friendship. I don’t want that to happen because he is a great friend.
What do I do to either make up for my all consuming issues and let him know I don’t want to lose his friendship?
At the end of the day it is up to you, but if you really like this friend, you will want to include her in your activities. If you don’t then cut loose. It is not right to help or include her just because you feel sorry for her.
I am currently in the situation with someone of being that friend of yours. He was kind to me and we have a lot in common and I thought that meant he would see me in his free time, but apparently not – and I am hurting a lot. I keep asking him to come over and he keeps putting me off saying he is busy. Yet when I do see him around he is very nice to me. It just hurts and confuses me.
Decide if youreally like this girl and make a firm decision one way or the other.
there is this girl in school whom i like very much and even told her my feelings for her but she ignored saying she only wants to be friends. My friend got to know her through me as she used to cook for me when i give her the foodstuffs my self. We vacated and as i came back to school she had been avoiding me, not talking to me as she used and i realised she had started cooking for my friend more often but expected my friend to let me know as i used to share her food with him but never told me. Is there sumfin going on between them that they are keeping from me, i dont wanna ask them cause after all she said she only wants to be friends but am really pissed too. Is there a way for me to know what is going on without asking them ?
Wow your in the sAme situation that I’m in except my friend got out of A four year relationship so she’s always asking to hang out Every Friday and
Mostly Saturday’s because we both get Saturday’s off and some Fridays. I like hanging out with her but I enjoy hanging out with other friends as well to catch up…. Without her posting a comment on facebook asking to go with me and some of my other friends out to lunch. I love her but she’s bad with conversations a stage hogger and needy for the entire attention for the entire conversation. I suggest you straight up tell her you need he own space to hangout with he friends just ask for spAAce….. I did it and my friend became obviously very pissed and hurt but what else could I do about it proves whybimda of friend she is
I would tell her that she’s better than that and to seek help. She’s obviously not a happy person right now, but that is no reason to ruin other’s happiness (her partner’s, your wife’s, your children’s). My parents went through this and I would never risk losing my family after what I went through. I would cut that tie now. If your wife found out you were hanging out with someone who made you that offer, she would likely be very upset.
A high school friend that I had kept in touch with for a while, but then she went her own way, called be out of the blue about a year ago. She was distraught and relayed to me all kinds of information about her personal struggles with her husband (whom I had been led to believe years earlier that she had left or divorced) and her physical issues, on and on. I felt so bad for her – I offered to help get her help – a women’s shelter, counseling – whatever I could do to help her.
Fast forward almost 12 months later and it’s obvious to me that she has more issues than I ever knew when I took that call. The problem now is that none of my friends (some who have known her from the past as well) can handle being around her for very long – yet she keeps trying to inject herself into everything I do. Now, with Facebook, she is able to track everyone’s moves – activities, pictures we post, etc. and she’s not shy about saying – “Oh you did this or that – I LOVE doing that – you should ask me next time..”etc, etc.
I sent her a long message to try to get her to understand that she needs to make some positive changes in her life – that some people can’t hear the same problems over and over and then see no action steps taken. She has a way of draining people – she’ll corner you and go on and on about her life, etc. YET she can be so kind, caring and giving – she’s the first one to offer support or help to others, etc. So this is just a very difficult situation for me. How do I tell her that I simply don’t want to invite her to all of these events with other friends – because no one likes to be around her, etc. ? She is fragile, lacks self esteem and is truly in a tough situation in her personal life. Her mom died after she got out of high school and her only brother keeps his distant – she’s a very lonely gal who struggles to get things accomplished. I don’t want to abandon her – or hurt her feelings more – but I need to get this across to her – any advice?
I have known my two best friends since i was born, and ever since we started secondary school it all went weird. I met this new girl and we have fallen out loads of times but then got back together again and now it has happened again but this time it has gone on for ages and i keep saying sorry but she wont forgive me, (and she needs to say it aswell) and now the two best friends i have known for ages said that they arent taking sides but, they prefer the girl i had a fight with because they always go off with each other and leave me out, and they never ask me to come along with them. I have just about had enough but before i do something i regret i need some advice on what to do.
You must stand up to the jealous friend, and not be concern anymore of what she thinks. A true friend understands your boundaries, and keeps an open heart.
If she doesn’t have that understanding, then it’s time to cut the ties.
Think about they way you acted and the way you chose your words. Accept what it is – Move On. Stop being a Stalker.
im elisa ive had the the samething what i done and this is what i said:”look ok today 3:00 im meeting you at the park were having a loooooooong talk.” ok so i met her and i said :”rite no interupssions ok let me finish my conversation first so what i did was i said to her what i hat to sooo i hope you dothe same
GOOD LUCK XXXXXXX
I think you should just tell them u want to join and how u r feeling. She never gonna know until u tell her.
My friend is upset with me because I have treated her badly but I dont even know how it was that I treated her. I tried telling her that she is really special to me because she is but she said it was a lie. I also told her that I was trying to get to talk to her but I couldnt get there. She said it was an excuse and I wasnt even looking. I dont know what to do next..She is a great friend and she wont beliveve me when I tell her how much she means to me..
I have 3 best friends. Two of them have recently joined a dance class and my other friend is starting the same class very soon. None of my friends have asked me if I would like to come along as well !! I have always wanted to join a dance class and now is my oppotunity. But i’m scared of asking my friends if I can join with them. I’m worried about what they will think. If they wanted me to join surely they would have asked me !! Or do you think they just haven’t thought about it !! Do you know the feeling ??
If they were my real friends would they have invited me ??
One of my friends is actually my cousin and my dad thought it was weird that she didn’t invite me. He thought it wasn’t polite or at least not like her because she usually is really nice !! I hate the thought of being left out or missing out on something !!!!
What should I do ??? Please help if you understand !!!
I am male, had this female friend for nearly sixteen years and she has been such a good friend up until now. I have a family, two kids and a wife whom I love dearly. Now my friend wants ‘ no strings sex’ with me. I am not happy at all with this. I should be grateful that being the wrong side of thirty a rather attractive intelligent woman finds me attractive but I do not really think so. She has a partner who also loves her. He would be devastated if he found out. Unfortunately my personal self defense mechanism kicked in tonight and mid way through a phone call to her I opened the window and dropped my mobile phone out into the garden. I don’t really want anything to do with her anymore which is a real shame. Am I being old fashioned? Prudish? I don’t know, but I do know that I love my family and detest anyone wanting to destroy it.
My friend is the same. She’s always busy and I stand around waiting for her to not be, but then I finally get tired of that and go off to do something else and afterwards she gets angry at me for having fun instead of slumping at home doing nothing.
Maybe after ignoring her invites, she’ll eventually get the idea, and maybe when you’re ready, you’ll have a make up sleepover=)
She needs it. Maybe she never had a father figure before. Have your husband talk to her, but make sure you’re watching secretly to make sure she doesn’t take advantage of him. Or maybe you should tell her old sayings about how life isn’t a race or competition and how you should enjoy your life before it’s over.
No Doubt you’re in a spiderweb, hun, you just need to become the bigger person and show those bitches who they really are and get you’re wings out of the web. You don’t want those spiders trapping you and escape before it’s too late.
Some people feel like they can vent to people and use them like a pillow. They have to come to realize that we are humans too, and that they should be there for us too and not just us being there for them.
I have 3 best friends,my 1st friend lives right across the street and 2ed friend lives across town.They always have sleepovers and when my 2ed friend is over at my first friends house and when shes over there i can’t come over and thats messed up!!!!!!!!
Yes, some female friends act like you’re having a romantic relationship with them instead of a friendship and they get ugly whenever they’re jealous or needy. They can become psycho and/or lose their mind when you decide to end the friendship. I told my former friend that she would hardly let me talk about what’s going on in my life and usually cut me off in converstaion just to talk about her life. Her life has been pretty much same old stuff and I finally got sick of it. She can do things to improve her life and chooses to wallow in self-pity instead. I’ve been dealing with this since 2009 and I can’t take more.
I understnd how you feel. Yesterday, I finally ended a friendship with a needy friend. She doesn’t understand my ending our friendship due to the fact that she is draining me. She relies on me so much. The last straw came when I told her I was gooing to take a nap and she decided to text me once we got off the phone. Then when I told her to leave me alone, she said she would call me later. She is insane and I see whys he doesn’t have any other friends who can stomach her. I also see why her husband divorced her. I have other friends and big things going on in my life and she makes it seem like I always have to be available for her no matter what is going on in my life. I realised I have to break the cycle of crazy needy females. I have a handful over the years. It’s just that I like to help people,but too many females tend to latch on to me because they don’t have any other friend who treats them as well. Then there are some who don’t have friens at all. I beleive if a female doesn’t have friends then that’s a big red flag to stay away from her. Cut this person off right away because she is completely selfish and pyscho!! You will feel like a load has been lifted once she’s out of your life.
Perfectly said, thanks!
I have three best friends which i have been friends with for over three years
i love them and we were really close. Now in 8th grade things changed and still have sleepovers and go to the mall and stuff but now i have this problem, everytim i talk with one of them we dont really know what to talk about, like things become awkward. This happens mostly with just them,, but again i am not a person who starts conversations or is a very good speaker. Anyways as i could remember i could talk to them easily but now i dont know why i feel like this. Sometimes at lunch it is awkward, not like we hate eachother but like we can’t find anything to talk about. When this happens i get scared that we arent friends anymore, but when i ask them they say they don’t notice those silences. I just feel like whatever i feel like those awkward moments, they dont feel at all. I dont know if this means that we aren’t close anymore or that maybe its all in my head? And also i know its normal for your friends to have other good friends but i sometimes get jealous for one of them to spend time with them. Is this normal? I also sometimes feel like they don’t like me anymore but when i asked one time she got mad and said i was a sister and that i shouldnt even question it. Im very confused of why i feel this way, because i was nothing like this last year. Any help, advice? Please 
in exactly those words, you are not my first priority in life?
I have a friend who is going through a really tough time right now. She is recently divorced, going through a custody battle and currently doesn’t have her daughter, is estranged from her mom, etc. Lots of family drama. Anyway, I have tried to be supportive of her – talking to her when she’s crying, taking her places (she doesn’t have a car), offering to go to court for her to testify in the custody case, even lending her over 500 dollars to get an apartment. Unfortunately, she’s also a tad irresponsible, and gets herself into financial trouble frequently – which she then asks for money from me (BTW – I have started saying no to this).
Now a little background – I am married, with two children, work 25 hours per week and am a full time college student taking 20 credit hours. I’m pretty busy. But she ALWAYS wants me to hang out with her. For example, today she asked if I wanted to hang out – I told her no because I had to do homework all day, which I did. Later she came downstairs while I was eating dinner and watching a video for school on the computer (did I mention the apartment I got her was right above mine?) and needed me to fix something on her laptop. I did, and she went back upstairs. Later she sent me a PM on Facebook saying how she was upset because I didn’t want to spend “five minutes” with her and when she came down I was “watching TV.” First of all, I know her, and hanging out isn’t five minutes. Second of all, I was eating dinner several hours after her initial call and watching a video for a project. I responded to her PM explaining the situation and reminding her that I have other priorities and that the only time I can hang out is AFTER I have taken care of them. She responded back with a message saying that I don’t “have” to be busy and that I make my own choices. I am so frustrated with her I want to scream – how do I make her understand that she’s not my first priority in life?
AMEN SISTA TO ALL OF THAT! COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF!
Just want to say that I completely second yours and a lot of these other posters emotions! Have a toxically needy friend who just doesn’t get it. Luckily, she now lives in another state, but its so funny how she’ll still call me up here in Ohio for more friend therapy! Before she moved I tried to explain how her chronic complaining was self-destructive and how its hurting her and everyone else around her. To no avail. Now when she calls, I just withhold my emotional energy: I don’t respond much with commentary or advice. What’s the point?
In a way, annonymous, I agree, there may be reasons certain people are toxic and needy, but it doesn’t mean that everybody else has to live their lives around it. Our problems are ours and ours alone! I don’t mind being there for my friends, but in the end, people are people and we all have limitations! We can only be so much and do so much for each other, the rest comes from ourselves! The reasons why are plenty and don’t matter! It’s not what happens to us, it’s how we handle it! I was the best friend I could be with a needy friend who was always calling me with her issues, and trust me, the author is right, no amount of being there for her was enough! She admitted a year or two later she knew about her toxically needy behavior! And when other people needed her, she never gave them the energy I gave her! She complained about her other friends complaining to her all the time, and my response was, "Yeah, just like you do me!"
I’m in a similar situation as u only difference is they both hate each other and can’t stand each other…..you should try hanging out with both of them at the same time like go shopping with both of them and they’ll get to know each other better
Or you could talk to ur jelous friend telling her how u feel and hopefully she’ll understand
It is one thing to help a friend going through a dilemma, you are there to support eachother through the ups and downs in life but it is another problem when the person always has a new crop of problems or the problems are never solved no matter how much advice and support is given.
These friends would not go to a therapist because it is not about therapy it is about energy and call to complain because they want energy and the energy only flows from the listener to the complainer.
My own father does this too – he is well off and has good medical coverage but does not go to therapy, every phone call is a litany of complaint and not constructive, the problems never end, and he will very seldom listen in return.
I discovered, after listening to a friend complain for hours at a time for many years that she didn’t really care. My mother passed away, and I needed to talk about it with a close friend. This person who I trusted as a good friend, listened for about five minutes and returned right back to her dilemma. After offering hours of support and all hours of the day, at the expense of my own family and this friend couldn’t listen for five minutes. That was very hard as I had regarded her highly but that moment showed the truth of the relationship.
A good conversation goes back and forth, involves active listening and reflection and is not always complaint based, there are many topics to talk about.
I don’t know that you will reap friends from this. But it’s a great practice to smile, be friendly, say a kind word, pay a compliment, show compassion to others. It will make you feel better too. It’s spreading around the good stuff. But please don’t start thinking, “Okay, I’ve done this, so where are the friends I should be getting because of it?” It doesn’t work that way.
Hey, I have two really best friends who have been my bffs since elementry (SUPER LONG AGO) and we’re always there for each other. But lately,it seems whenever I spend time with one friend,the other friends gets jealous and tries to get me back with her. I try to spend equal amounts of time with both of them, but I don’t know!
Like,the other day, I was walking around and talking casually, and the other friend shows up and gives me a dirty look. She’s usually the more jealous one,and that’s why I spend time with the other one more. Because she’s nicer, and never get jealous.It would break my heart to lose them!
I really don’t want to break up our friendship,but this is seriously getting OUT OF HAND!!!
Please,anyone who can help,give it ASAP, THANKS SO MUCH!
If you want Friends show yourself friendly. A kind word to someone will lift there day. Speak words that are true, uplifting and smile. That’s it and you will find a friend.
This could seriously be talking about me! Except I’m in my 30′s. All of the above describes me. I realize I have become way too needy.My friend has told me several she loves me and will always b my friend, but I am constantly worried over losing her friendship. She is like a mother figure to me. Because of the losses IV had. She listens and gives me advice. But lately iv noticed a distance there that wasn’t before. When I asked what was wrong she said she didn’t know what more I expected of her and that while she still cared and loved me. She has a lot on her shoulders. I do understand that. But what I don’t understand is why in the past it was a mutual leaning on each other and now she doesn’t really care to share. I value her friendship very much and don’t want to completely drive her away with my neediness. Should I just quit texting her and leave her alone til she makes the next move? Or should I continue as is(that’s obviously not working )
I dnt know if I should try to talk to her about it again. I have brought it up in text and she ignored it. I considered writing her a letter. But Idk if I should do that either …… I do take the blame for it because I did become to dependant and too needy. But I don’t know how to change. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to save the friendship. I do love her and her friendship is precious to me.
Not sure how my issue with my friend fits in. I’m the one actually who has financial problems and a husband problem. I dont want my friend to fix it or help me. Just listen once in awhile if I need to vent. Our boys are the same age and on occassion my friend has offered to babysit for me without payment. I feel guilty cause I feel like I should pay her so I try to pay her but she gets mad. So I have a daycare I send him too that way I am paying, but then my friend gets mad cause she doesnt understand why I wont let her help me. The thing is, I want to keep our friendship and I dont want to be put in a position where later on she could use it against me and say she did all these things for me cause she felt sorry for me. On other occasions I have felt that my friend is controlling and she does it by getting mad cause I dont allow her to babysit for me for free, or needing to know where I got my clothes from (my mom bought me an outfit and it was like she had to know every detail) She has been in america for 10 years and is not able to master english which has made it hard for her to get a degree or move foward. So now she wants my job and is trying to figure out ways to get my job. Its annoying!!! I pull away from her cause it makes me feel suffocated like she is trying to "become" me. i feel weird that i feel this way. Like I said, Im the one with financial issues. Her husband has a good job, they drive nice cars and live in a brand new house. She doesnt need to work but for some reason she is obsessed with getting my job (I make nothing and my husband and I work opposite shifts to avoid day care cause my whole wage would go to daycare) I told my friend, you would need a nanny to watch your children and honestly its not worth it. She didnt care. She is obsessed with trying to get my job. When i read all these posts it sounds like the needy friend is the one with financial issues, the one who complains, the one who needs the free daycare (that all sounds like me) but what do you call my friend?? I dont see myself as needy but to me my friend is obsessed, crazy, Im not sure. She told me once she had a friend that she thought was her friend and that friend told her she could no longer be friends with her cause she thought she was crazy. I, at that time, thought that was a very mean thing to say but now think it could be true. Is this an illness that my friend has??
I have an old work friend that I bumped into whilst shopping. She told me that she had split with her husand and all their friends had taken his side.
I felt very sorry for her as she had no-one and had recently got over breast cancer.
She fell out with her mother and sister and had no-one.
I sat with her for hours with her telling me her problems but she was not interested in mine.
I did the right thing and invited her out with my partner and I every single friday and saturday night for over a year, we had fun. Sometime she we come for threesome meals she came for christmas dinner I really could not have done more.
As time went on she leaned on me more and more. and I have learned that she bitches about everyone behind their backs.
She accused my very tolerant boyfriend of trying to break the friendship up which he didnt.
I recently had a coffee with a female friend and just mentioned it to her.
She replied you wont need me any more now maybe you can go out on foursome with her and her husband.
The next day I text her to go out that night and she ignored me!
Then a week later she confronted me in public accusing me of not calling or texting her all week.
I mention are you jealous because of the coffee and she replied why do you want to be friends with that fat bitch for!!!
I introduced her to hundred of friends in my circle in the hope she would befriend them however she just started bitching about me to them saying I wasnt a good friend.
She had been playing mind games for a while deliberately going out with others and not inviting me despite knowing I would be alone that evening.
I didnt get jealous because I could see her game plan and other people started to warn me about her.
Anyway I have now come to that point where she got really verbal at a party and was in a real rage.
She is behaving as if I was her lover its astonishing.
I will now steer well clear she will tell everyone how I let her down and one by one she will do the same to everyother friend she has.
Im not sure if I want a best friend if thats what they do-Its a shame because I genuinely did care but some people will never be helped
don’t like this article at all. it’s easy to sit here and judge.
I have a friend that was born into a poverty-stricken area of africa, abused as a child, moved over to england, little family, finanical struggles and yeah sometimes I think do I really need this when she talks about her issues on the phone…
but what are you saying? we should change the friendship or cut loose? No. I don’t think so.
how come in this article there is no section that seeks to understand the reasons why are friends may be negative or draining.
before you criticise a man…walk a mile in his shoes!
You could be right. It just really ticks me off that she is behaving this way. Honestly, we were emailing daily for a year (we live in different parts of the country) and then after the cash (I felt bad when she was constantly telling me about her financial woes and wanted to help), I feel like she doesn’t give two cents (ironically) about whether we talk or not. In turn I’ve not gone out of my way to converse either. One of the last things she said to me was something snide. I just do not get it. But I suppose I just need to chalk it up as another lesson learned.
It sounds like now that you gave her money, you’re on her “Gullible” list. If you’d stood firm and not given her money, you’d be on her friend “list” (not Facebook, personal mental list in her brain) and not her “chump” list. It’s like, now you’ve done what those chump guys have done, and fallen for her needy act instead of setting a boundry. And ironically, she doesn’t respect that you gave her money.
…She’s been going through some tough times financially and emotionally and I’ve been there to lend an ear and talk. I’ve also GIVEN her $500 to help her out, never asking for it back. Now as of late she’s been ignoring me or making comments that are “toxic” IMPO. Frequently when I try to phone her she never answers the phone. I’ve come to the conclusion that my friend is a taker and not a giver. She’s told me of instances of taking $ from men she doesn’t even know via the ‘net. I dunno, I guess maybe I’m being judgmental because I’m not her and don’t know what it is to be in her shoes. But in turn, I’m irritated and feel almost used in a way. So I think you could say we are on a “relationship hiatus” right now.
You’ve given the poster great advice about moving forward! Best, Irene
i always think too much that it annoyed my friend and she is really pissed off… She’s not talking to me now and she’s ignoring me… She post stuff on facebook saying that she won’t forgive me… What should I do??
I have another friend that is totally angry at me for telling someone who he likes even though the person I told knew it from a long time ago… What should I do? A lot of friends are annoyed by me and pissed off at me…. What should I do to make things change?
I feel your pain! I have had the non-privilege of rooming with not 1, not 2 but 3 best friends. Each time ended in a huge fight. The 3rd time I knew better but she BEGGED me to room with her so I caved and then our friendship was over in 6 months flat.
I’ll keep to my first roommate, *Kay. Kay and I were BFF’s throughout most of high school and we had known each other since we were 9 years old. The thing is a lot of girls change drastically within the first year of being at college. My former best friend, who I thought was more like a sister, decided I wasn’t “wild” enough to be her BFF in college. I was 17 and had to acquire a fake ID to be able to go to the college bars with her, which I did, but the whole bar scene was really boring, to be honest, coupled with the fact that my best friend was quickly making a bad name for herself by sleeping with any fraternity guy she could find and she found another BFF who would condone this behavior and join in on the “fun”. I was sickened by her by the time finals came. Kay became so disrespectful. I stopped going out all the time after Halloween and that’s when Kay really beefed up her partying. I would be asleep and her and her new friends would barge into our dorm room at 2AM and not give 2 cents whether I was sleeping or not. In their drunken stupor, they would throw things at me while I was trying to sleep and Kay even threw wet towels on me and when I told her to stop that and why on earth she thought that was appropriate behavior was beyond me, she just rolled her eyes as to say I’m the one that’s out of line! I was done with her at the point. I decided to leave the dorm and move in with my older sister. The night before I was suppose to move out of the dorm, Kay and her new disgusting BFF, *Karen, moved all my items into the dorm hallway and moved Karen in. I had to spend the last night in a different dorm room with an actual friend who sympathized with me because of how I was being treated by these floozies. After that, Kay and Karen, got into hardcore drugs and actually “lived” at a fraternity on campus and they became known as the “Sigma Chi Sluts”. I was so happy I wasn’t associated with her in anyway then.
Fast forward, 10 years and Kay and I strike up a fleeting friendship again, thanks to the onset of social media. Kay and I were both set to get married in May of 2006. By 2009, the friendship was dead again because the exact same behaviors were being exhibited once again. First, Kay had to tell me how “awful” a person Karen turned out to be and that all Karen cared about was partying. Gee, shocker! Then Kay decided she was Super Wife & Mom and I didn’t fit the criteria to be her friend, yet again. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 6 years; Kay takes this as a huge failure on my part and thus a sufficient reason for her not to be around me. Mind you, I don’t cry and whine to my friends about my infertility issue, because I know it freaks people out who conceive so easily and some women, like Kay, see it as a deficiency in the woman and thus women like me are sub-standard wives and thus not good enough for her to hang out with.
In the end, Kay’s real problem is her pervasive jealousy of me, which started our sophomore year in high school and at least, one significant jealousy issue came up each year on her part. 10th grade, she got mad because I had Cole Haan shoes (that I bought with my own money), 11th grade, she got mad because a teacher told our class what a great student and kid I was, Kay seethed and got mad at the teacher and provoked her mother to get mad at the teacher for not recognizing her. 12th grade, she tried to steal my BETA Club cord for graduation. I should have just said goodbye at graduation, but I had to learn this lesson. And so do you.
Make new friends. College is the easiest time in your life to do this. Stop rooming with your best friend. Move to another dorm altogether, if possible. Get a job. That helps too. Focus on you for awhile, but not in a selfish way, but a growing way. Don’t allow your roommate to blame you for her behavior. It’s not your fault she lost her key or skipped class. She’s obviously still quite immature. Once she has to start paying for the consequences of her actions, she’ll start learning not to be so irresponsible, but it will take time and it definitely won’t happen overnight and she’ll probably fight it tooth and nail. You need to say goodbye to her for awhile and maybe in the future y’all can be friends again.
my friend and i are currently attending our first year the same university which is far away from our hometown. we decided to dorm together in a triple room on campus. my friend had a boyfriend who lives close to the campus so during our first quarter, she would always go out and spend the whole weekend with him over at his place. she would leave on friday night and come back on sunday night or monday morning. for my other roommate,her house is only a hour away from the university so she goes back home every weekend. so basically, i’m the only one who is usually left behind. i’ve known my friend for more than 4 years but ever since we moved in together, she has slowly turned into a stranger to me. i don’t mind the fact that she spends more time with her boyfriend because her parents are not here to regulate her but it seems like she has forgotten about me.
there was once when her boyfriend came over at night and then they went out. i thought she would be back soon since it was school night and we have class at 10 the next morning. however, she didn’t come back at all. the next morning, she sent me a message asking me to open the door for her since she thought that she has lost her key but unfortunately i put my phone on the vibrate mood before i went to bed therefore i didn’t know that i had message until it was too late. she sent another message to me said that she gonna skip the class that morning and go look for her key. i sent her a message to apologize about not being able to open the door for her. later that day, a friend, who we just made, asked her why didn’t she come to class earlier, and she told him because of me, she had to ditch class that morning. and she also told him that her boyfriend and she went to see a movie last night. i got really pissed off by the fact that she chose to go out on a school night and stayed out for the whole night with her boyfriend. she should have thought about the consequences that could bring and yet she blamed her ditching class on me because i didn’t open the door. well, she was the one that lost the key. and if i knew to check my phone sooner, i would definitely have opened the door for her. i was just hoping that she could realize that her own irresponsibility had led to that she ditched class for the whole day and not to mention a study date with her classmate. i mean before she told him that, she should have thought about how her answer would make me feel. i didn’t talk or complain to her about that accident.
however, after that, we hardly talked to each other even though we literally live together in a room. i don’t know what to do now. i mean i want to talk to her but there is a wall between us now that i cannot break. i want us to go back to the time when we would tell each other everything about anything. i thought living together with my friend is the best decision i ever made but it turned out to be the worst. i don’t know what to do now. can you give me some advice? thank you
Just tag along with the type you think you are: girly tomboy geeky stuff like that
I have a friend like this. I like her a lot. Everyone else in my life says that she is a bad influence even my husband. It is hard as I like her but there are bits that I can see why she has not go no friends due to being obnoxious and self-centered and very opinionated and at times I think I should let her go. However, I find it hard and I don’t know why. She only has one other friend and she is 39 years old which some people would question anyway, is it because of how she treats her friends. She can be very negative about my relationship sometimes and in the past she has said that she is jealous of my life. Her boyfriend of 5 years has its ups and downs often and I know she is not a happy person with her life in general but recently I feel that I need to see less of her as she wants to see me a lot. Even when I think of ending our friendship as some of her opinions don’t change even when I speak to her its hard for me to do as I know I will miss her in some weird way. I know we have different friends for diffrent things but she is so different to any other friend that I have. I like her because she can be funny, sometimes can give stuff back even though most of it is about her.
Boy, I could have written that. I came to this website looking for some advice because I have a friend who is precisely as you describe. She has been using me as her “sounding board/therapist” for over five years now. We had a great friendship for 10 years before that, but now…? All of a sudden its “all her, all the time.” For a 90-minute “conversation” she allows me to talk perhaps 15 minutes. (maybe I’m a bad friend, but I have timed her) The rest of it is about her. I am completely fine with being supportive if you’ve got problems with work, friends, family, a husband, your sick cat, you name it, for a few months. Everyone hits a rough patch. Thats what friends are for. But for years on end? It has now spilled over onto emails, and she wants to dump on me several times a week via email as well as long phone rants. She REFUSES to take the hint when I do not respond. I have a lot invested in this friendship and I don’t want to lose her but I am getting to the end of my patience. It is extremely draining and far too much work. A friendship is supposed to be not only fun but balanced. I feel I am being used. How do I get this across and keep her as a friend?
My best friend is now in college, the only she does is study and study and more study! I’m in college too, I also know how important study is! But she doesn’t want ti spend time together no more, because she said she need to study! I just feel that our friend relationship is fading away! But I dknt want to loose her! She means a lot to me! She more than a friend, she is my sister.
Please give me some advice I don’t know what to do.!
Your friend may not have been vying for your husband’s attention but it sure sounds like she is competitive! Best, Irene
I think those of us talking about burdens aren’t talking about the friend who is having a bad few months and needs support. For my friends who are or have been in that sort of need I am more than happy to help and support them and be there for them.
We are in a lot of cases talking about people who need almost constant support, people who almost every single time you meet up with them spend hours talking about their problems, and asking you to help sort them out. People who are in need for literally years. People who have issues with self esteem and depression, people who need some sort of professional help. People who we want to help but can’t.
We’re not professionally qualified, we don’t know what to say to really help them, we don’t know how to really help them. I for one feel as if I am acting as/trying to be my friend’s therapist, and I’m doing a bad job of it.
I agree it isn’t healthy to judge, but it also isn’t healthy to constantly be acting as a counsellor or therapist for a friend. It isn’t just a bit annoying, it is extremely emotionally draining and difficult to cope with when it is happening for so long on such a regular basis. It can affect your own mental health. Professional counsellors are trained in how to cope with hearing about people’s problems all day. I’m not.
It isn’t a case of not wanting to be there, not wanting to be burdened with friend’s problems, it is a case of not being able to cope with it.
Repetitive strain syndrome is a good way of describing it. I have a close friend who has had various issues over the past few years, has suffered with depression and has zero self esteem.
I’ve listened and listened and listened to her talk about her problems, I’ve read endless emails about them, I’ve tried as best as I can to help, support and advise her, but I too end up just hearing the same thing over and over and giving the same advice. It is hugely draining.
I also feel guilty and also don’t feel I could say anything, because I do love her and care about her and don’t want to hurt her.
She us currently not really speaking to me as she has decided that that being alone is better than having friends who don’t live up to her expectations. I miss her, but part of me is relieved not to be constantly trying to be her therapist.
i am married. I have a wonderful husband and i have a friend that i have always considered to be “needy” she has daddy issues which i think has caused her to have relationship issues, the whole time my husband and i dated she was in and out of really bad relationships and i could always tell she was envious of my relationship with my husband. after we had been friends for about a year i started to pick up on little things she would do that were just like me, i would get a new top she would like it, and she would get one similar, i would say i wanted something and before i could get it she would go out and get it for herself. she liked anything i liked. she was always in agreement on what ever came out of my mouth. at first it was flattering to know that i could have an impact on someone like that. then it turned into a competition for her. This past valentines day my hubby took me shopping to get a valentines outfit for dinner. he wanted it to be very “form” fitting, I have a little bit of a complex about things being tight around my tummy so we found a dress that compromised and was the perfect amount of tight and loose. i told this friend about the dress and she went and bought a dress almost identical. when she showed me i mentioned to her that it looked just like mine and she made the comment that hers was MUCH more “FORM” fitted than mine. it made me feel like she was competing with me for my husbands attention. Even though she has a boyfriend, i feel she does this for sport, just to win in her mind that she can beat me. we have been close friends for about 3 years but this really did it for me. am i just paranoid or is this a legit reason to feel the way i do????
Not ‘harshing’ on you-but you leaned on her pretty heavy and ‘bonded’ her to you like you were a LOVING MOTHER. now you want to ‘back it off-with her and she feels ABANDONED and BETRAYED (again). She’s had such MAJOR losses-which you knew of when you got going with her-and predictably she has ATTACHED to you as a parent. THAT IS AWFUL. Still, life is about accepting losses and maturing through working them out. COME CLEAN with her-tell her you love her and value her-but you are also very happy with your life as it is and if she cannot accept thr relationship taking a step back in intensity-that you do understand her HURT- and dismay-but that it is more healthful for you both to limit certain interactions (i.e. super-texting) and too many ‘meet-ups’ a month.
You are going to have to be frank and shoulder the burden of the harm you have caused her. Apologize for that and hug her (if she’ll let you). Let her know that she can call you to talk from time to time-but that the dramatics are souring your personal peace and cannot be tolerated. Best Wishes! Good Luck!
New School-New Friends-Easy (believe it and act on it!)
1st-be confident (you have WORTH!)
2nd-be polite (give RESPECT-expect it too -see rule #1)
3rd-study your books like you should and (study people while you’re at school too)
4th-be ‘approachable’ and approach others–don’t be shy! But don’t be over BOLD either-it can be offensive)
5th-to make a friend-BE a Friend (be honest, kind, helpful and respect yourself-if you do OTHERS WILL SEE IT AND RESPOND IN KIND).
6TH-never compromise your self-respect to ‘fit in’ the price is too high and jr/sr H.S. will END-but your memory of compromising your personal standards will never end.
REMEMBER-YOU are worthy of a WORTHY Friendship!
Iam in a new school and I donot have any frnd can any one plz tell me how to get one plz???
I’m still young and I’m still learning thats all you guys need to know about my age. But lately I’ve been having this friend of mine become… irritant. I like her alot from being friends she’s a good person at times. I feel like I’m being selfish when I reject her wants to come to her house. But I don’t want to be invited twice or 3 times EVERY WEEK. Yes my time is very loose and free but my time is always best at home. I like my friend and of course I used to like to go to her house every so often but lately just now I’ve been getting these gut feelings everytime she invites me. I’m horrible with words when it comes to MY feelings and I’m afraid if I tried to tell her the truth that she would be hurt that I don’t want to spend so much time with her. Maybe I’m being selfish like I said earlier and that doesn’t help. I have no idea what to do, I want to keep her as a friend, but I want this feeling to stop! Now just I’ve been avoiding her invites, and I know I’m probably hurting her already but I’m stuck on this. I’m not someone thats used to someone wanting to take so much of my time and friendship like this, the only thing she has done to bug me is when she does the opposite of what I ask her, like I tell her a secret and tell her not to tell anyone (like I have a habit of drawing but I dont like showing it to people) and she told everyone I knew, I had to throw my drawings out just because they all wanted to see…
I don’t know what to do can anyone help?
ok in this life we have good and bad
I think she’s trying to manipulate you. she’s ending it because she smart and knows it will make you angry. now YOU are the drama and she will moan to a new victim about you. you have a right to be angry, people like that are soul sucking vamps and already she’s currupted some part of you…dont let it! you ARE superior…yes I said it, in this world there are some people who are ‘morally superior’ and you are one of them. the lesson to be learned is use that anger to build your defences against and further attacks…dont pander to slander about your friendship abilities, a friend doesnt hurt their ‘friends’ and she hurt you over and over again with psychic and emotional abuse. these people have no inner reserve of energy so they grab it from people who do….this is not friendship. people need to wake up and stop with the rose tinted glasses.
how many ‘I’ s you used in your comment. I this and I that constantly…just an observation…
Hi, trying not to sound too coocoo but how you describe yourself you sound like an empath. check out the ‘empath community’. Im not trying to plug anything here, an empath is a highly sensitive person who absorbs emotions and energys like a sponge. Its a form of ESP. check it out.
It sounds like she prefers your attention than his and although it’s okay to help a friend in need time to time, that’s asking too much of you. She’ll keep doing it as long as you allow it. I suffer with depression too and for years my husband sucked at being a good spouse, but it’s just so not cool to let the husband go run off and not learn how to be a good spouse and instead get you to fill the gap. That’s his place and he should be learning how to be a good loving husband. Even if he sucks at it, that’s part of learning. She married him. He’s her choice. This is their problem, and although it’s nice of you to help your friend out time to time this seems like too much. It does sound like she just prefers to burden you than her own husband, and that’s so unkind to do to a friend. You’re right to feel the way you do.
I am going through a very similar situation too!!! And I am at my wits end as to how to deal with it. I feel like I need to get some professional advice to deal with my friend’s self esteem issues!
This is when you have to set boundaries, firmly but compassionately. You can still always help if there’s a true emergency, but explain that you need time to yourself as well and this includes not being phoned every day. If she’s a true friend she’ll understand, if not you have to ask yourself if you still want her friendship.
thankyou iv been telling myself this advice for a while but its good to here and see it written down by someone else,im somewhat caught in rut and dont know where to start but i need more than anything to stop thinking about doing things and actually do them,thanks alot
What you say is true and very balanced.
To the original poster: having Asperger’s makes it harder for you to put yourself in your “nominated friend’s” place. Keep in mind that she has a child with your characteristic. Perhaps she only has energy for her child. I have heard this from mother’s with Asperger’s children. It is very exhausting and challenging to deal with the unique type of Asperger’s their child has. No case is typical. What if the child also has another underlying disability? She may have not shared that with you.
One fact to learn now is that even though we want a friendship with someone, that other person is not obligated to to embark on the friendship. It’s just like romantic relationships – just because a man or a woman shows romantic interest in you, there is no law on earth that says you have to return their affection. You have that right; but that also means other people also have that right.
Be kind to yourself and seek out a support group or therapy to help you cultivate healthy, reciprocal relationships. Handing out with other Aspie’s will help you to have time to be yourself, without the worry of how you come across.
Although it’s tempting to try to form friendships with people who have someone with Asperger’s in their life, realize that they may need time away from the peculiarities of Asperger’s to have down-time, breathing room, and yes, time to be themselves, just like you have a right to be yourself. You also want to take the time to think about the messages that people may send you. That is why support groups or therapy are essential because they can be your sounding board on how to decode the messages people are sending you.
I sincerely hope that you get over this unrequited friendship. Many more treasured relationships will surely come your way with the right support.
I don’t think you realize that you sound depressed and “need” the attention of this person to fill this void. That is not fair and it is no ones responsibility. Yes, I am a direct person and I will not be passive about this. Stop putting so much on one person! I’m sure she can feel smothered by you. You need to figure out how to love and appreciate yourself. You need to figure out what you enjoy doing in life. Get a few, not just one hobby. Start to enjoy yourself and maybe join a few community groups to meet more people and stay active. Do you like tea? Do you like to read? Do you like to walk in nature?
There are so many simple things to do that can be enjoyable. It really sounds like you are stalking this person and yes, she has her own life.
I connect with a friend no more them once a week but over time I have over twenty good friends so I put a demand on no one unless it is a mutual honoring relationship. But the first thing I do is work on my inner happiness!! Nothing is more important.
Hope some of this helped.
I have always got on with this friend brilliantly we have many similar interests but over the last year she has slowly grown more and more needy . Over the last 3 months her husbands parents have broken up, this should not be a big thing I know but he at 29 is still reallly really dependent on his parents. Both her and her husband suffer from depression he has just taken 4 weeks off work with depression . Went back the same day she went in to hospital for a hip operation and since this she seems to have given up on him completley I picked her up from hopital he has taken no time off work I took her home from hospital and stayed the night as her husband had a prior social arrangement he keeps taking more and more shifts at work. She is alone all the time and I feel like she is emotionally blackmailing me to spend time with her. She seems to have suddenly turned into a door mat telling him to go out and have fun whille asking me to do everything he should be doing. I don’t feel I can say NO as she will be left on her own otherwise but it seems to be all her own fault. This is really upsetting me as I really care about her but she has a husband and I am not IT !
First I want to say that I have a son who has Aspergers, so I am familiar with your challenge. I think it’s great that you volunteer to help out and meet people. However, you have to try to see things through your friend’s perspective. Your friend’s priorities will lie with her boys. She may not have time to talk to you on the phone. And you’ll have to be understanding and accepting. Cast a wide net and hopefully you will eventually build a social network.
for your kind words. We are hoping for the best and researching alternative treatments as well as the more traditional. He’s had surgery, but it appears that the cancer may have migrated to other areas. We’ll know more in another month when he is tested again.
A crabby boss is a WAY bigger deal than a life-threatening illness. Not. Obviously.
I hope your brother-in-law pulls through!
“I’ve met lots of women like this: they know that a decent person will not readily cut off someone discussing a personal problem, so they ALWAYS have a problem”.
I really do think they have radar or they’re so used to people not wanting to listen to them that once they find someone who seems willing they dive in and set up camp. I met a woman like this for dinner about a month ago. When I sat down we exchanged pleasantries and I mentioned I had heard from a mutual acquaintance that day. She actually said, “Wait, I want to talk about my problems with my boss first”. And she did for two and a half hours. Not quite what I had in mind for a relaxing night out. When she finally exhausted her rant and asked how I was, I mentioned how my brother-in-law who has three small children had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer she said, “Yes, well I have two friends who have had breast cancer. They have all sorts of treatments now”, and then went right back to talking about her job problems without missing a beat. I can see how a boss being moody and insensitive is far worse than dying in your forties and leaving a widow and three young children behind. Sometimes I just want to scream, “What is WRONG with you???”
It’s also the bread, the coffee, the tax system, the health care system, the post office, the education system (doesn’t want her as-yet-unborn children to go to school here, not sure how that will work!), the government structure, the immigration system, and… wait for it…. she was “so disappointed” when she went to an extremely famous major attraction in the local area, one that literally millions of people from all over the world travel to each year. Yup, for her it just wasn’t up to scratch.
She also has this extremely annoying habit of saying this country is the ONLY country that does X in the wrong way. As if she could know what happens in all the other countries in the world.
She’s here because her husband’s career prospects are better here, not because she wants to be. Her husband sounds like a jerk, quite honestly. But of course, none of this is MY problem! But I don’t think she discussed all her woes as a way to figure out a solution, I think she just liked the attention. I’ve met lots of women like this: they know that a decent person will not readily cut off someone discussing a personal problem, so they ALWAYS have a problem.
that you are the Chairman of the Ministry of Yogurt Consistency?
It sounds like she’s not a very open minded person in general and would probably be complaining even if she were back home.
In the case of our neighbors, the husband told us in the same breath that his wife is a very open person but that she prefers people from their country (as if they are all the same and equally likable) because she doesn’t like the way Americans walk or talk or dress. Yes, really!! I actually started looking around when we were out to see if I could discern a certain “walk” that would be irritating or if everyone was dressed in purple like Barney the Dinosaur but didn’t have much luck. He also said that once someone offends her she never forgives them. I thought to myself, “Yes, she certainly does sound like an open-minded person”. My husband’s theory is that our neighbor is actually very insecure in general and she attacks and points out the flaws in others in order to mask that insecurity. Sounds about right to me. Sort of a “don’t mess with me because I can be very harsh and critical approach”. I had to chuckle when she was complaining about the fashion here because the city we live in is one of the fashion capitals of the world and people here are generally very well dressed and have a sense of style even if they don’t have tons of money. Oddly enough, I’ve only ever seen her in sweat pants and tank tops.
It sounds like your co-worker is depressed/angry and not thinking at all about how you would feel having been open to her only to listen to her complain. I think for some that is a primary way of bonding but it can get toxic pretty quickly if you are on the receiving end and would like to actually share good times with friends or share a stress relieving laugh over lunch with a co-worker.
Complaining about this country (which is not the USA) was only part of her general complaining, oversharing and self-centredness. It just so happened that it was *another* complaint about this country (about the yogurt, of all things) that was the last straw, but it could have been anything.
her husband invited my husband and I over for drinks one evening as a way of thanking us for taking care of their cat while they were on holiday and everything sort of came to a head. Her mother, who is an absolute delight, was visiting from their home country. She had prepared all sorts of lovely things to eat and drink and was very happy to have us in even though she didn’t speak much English. Her son-in-law would translate for her and we were having a nice time chatting and laughing. The wife however, would have none of it. She just kept asking rude questions like “Why do Americans always wear such bright colors?” And, “Why are Americans so loud and always laughing?” “Why do American students party all the time when they should be studying?” I felt that she was purposely trying to be provocative because I couldn’t believe that an educated person who had traveled extensively could really hold the belief that all people in any country were the same let alone one the size of the U.S. At one point her husband said something to her in their native language after one of her rude comments and she just shrugged her shoulders which I took to mean she didn’t care. Finally, after she started on another rant about the grocery stores here (?) her mother told her in English, “That’s enough!”. To thank the mother for her hospitality we invited the threesome over for lunch in a few weeks time before the mother returned home to which the the wife replied, “No, that’s too soon!” At that point, my patience had expired and I didn’t really care to try to bridge any cultural gap. The way she talked it was if she believed Americans were from another solar system instead of another country. Anyway, we ran into her husband a few days later and I think he felt badly and wanted to try to smooth things over by saying we should get together again soon, but we said we’d have to get back to him. She has never apologized. It’s pretty awkward now when we run into him because I think he knows we don’t care for his wife, but I don’t think it bothers her in the least because she thinks we are lesser beings not worthy of her time and she prefers to socialize with people from her home country who are all apparently extremely intelligent, fabulous dressers and as quiet as mice. Funny how someone who considers herself the epitome of intelligence and sophistication doesn’t realize that she comes off as a xenophobe and bigot. She can be however she wants as long as she doesn’t expect me to listen to her commentary.
Forgot to ask you. Did you ever tell your expat neighbor she hurt your feelings or offended you? Maybe not since you weren’t really friends with her. But did anyone else call her out that you know of? I have been very timid about it but I did speak up to one of my expat friends. She was making negative comments about Americans that I actually agreed with. But I told her even tho I agreed, it hurt my feelings to always have her bash my countrymen to my face. She treated it like an intellectual argument and ignored my hurt feelings and said I shouldn’t be so sensitive. The topic got dropped in an awkward way. She let up a little bit on the bashing as time went on. But never apologized. But like I said, she has been a friend to me in ways that count, so I try to overlook this part of her. It is hard. I think the language and cultural differences makes it a little difficult to open up and try to get this solved.
In my situation the people I know who are expats don’t stick together. They haven’t formed friendship with others from their country. I think it’s because they didn’t have anything in common except their native country. If the expats I know were not friends to me I wouldn’t want to hang around with them. I can understand why you nod and keep moving. I would too.
have run into hard times and turned to the friend that we were there for time and again only to be dismissed when we needed support. Most of the people who have posted here about needy friends have probably been burned a few times too many offering up support until they have nothing left to give. At some point you wise up when you realize that the person who you treated as a friend only considered you to be a place holder until they wore out their welcome or got their needs met and moved on. And not for nothing, but a friendship that is solely based upon singular or mutual sharing of problems and misery isn’t much of a friendship.
I don’t think it is necessarily that you and she ‘can’t’ be friends, but rather, she may not have the time to be friends. She is single with 2 small children, one of which requires extra time, and being single she has to be mother, father, and provider for her family. She owes her children her time above anything or anyone else.
You seem to have decided that you want/need her in her life as a friend without considering her want/need for the friendship. You want her as mentor or big sister but she may not be interested in mentoring or being a foster sister. Friendships, especially true friends, require time and effort to nurture and grow the relationship.
I don’t think it is a matter of her not wanting to, it’s more a matter that she doesn’t have the time, and she is mature enough to recognize that before she embarks on a friendship with you that may not be healthy or beneficial for either of you.
She is sending you signals and hints as well. Accept them and move on.
WITHOUT objection.
that is why so many ex-pats stick together in their own communities–they find solace in being outsiders together and they can rag on their host country with objection. My neighbor was never my friend, though I did initially try to engage and make her feel welcome because her husband seems like a decent sort. After a few episodes of extremely rude behavior that embarrassed even her husband, I now just nod and keep moving if I run into her.
Friends from other countries who hate Americans & complain to me all the time. I am born and raised in the USA & I have plenty of gripes myself about the U.S. and Americans but it still hurts my feelings when expat friends complain to my face. I like to think I would not behave this way if I were an expat. But who knows. Maybe I would. Whatever. It makes it hard to be friends with these people. But they are good friends to me in ways that count. So maybe I just need to develop a thick skin.
I kinda agree with you, author of “I dunno” post.
I said I was aware that some people can’t afford therapy and that some can and still dump on their friends.
was about people who are users and take advantage of their friends rather than seeking therapy with a skilled/trained professional. In response, you posted to say that some people can’t afford to or don’t want to go to therapy for other reasons. That doesn’t mean they aren’t taking advantage of their friends. Those two concepts aren’t mutually exclusive.
I don’t know what this means.
exactly what you wrote completely and responded to what you wrote. Perhaps you should go back and read more carefully.
You sound just like “Eagle Wings.”
In THEORY medical records are confidential. In REALITY that is not often the case! There was a large outfit in California this past year that inadvertently leaked patients’ records all of the place. You don’t sound remotely open to hearing what I have to say, anyway.
I did not say that EVERYONE who does not seek therapy doesn’t seek it because they can’t afford it. I said there are practical reasons,especially financial, why a person might not go to therapy. Go back and read more slowly and more closely and carefully.
I have neighbors who are expats. The husband likes it here, his wife hates it and loves, loves, loves to complain about Americans and America every time she crosses my path-despite the fact that I’m American. Her husband, who is probably fed up with her ranting, thought that I might serve as an example of an “acceptable American”. However, I found her notions about people here so offensive I would have had to have been some sort of masochist to continue to entertain them. I’m far from a flag flying patriot but honestly if someone’s opinions about a country are only informed by stereotypes that they’ve accumulated from watching too much bad television they are probably beyond modification. I now stick my head out of our door before I leave the building to make sure I don’t run into her in the hall. I’m sure she is feeling isolated here but her attitude has only served to make her situation worse. I’ve tried to imagine living in a foreign country and complaining to the natives about the natives while simultaneously expecting them to befriend me and my brain simply won’t go there.
I recently had a falling out of sorts with a co-worker who was dumping on me too much. She’d start the conversation by asking how I was (it was her Trojan horse way of roping you in), but within moments it was all about her, her problems, complaints, dramas. 20 minutes a day, every day, sometimes more. She would totally take advantage of your politeness/niceness (i.e. you reluctance to be so rude as to walk away from her while she was speaking). Finally I got fed up when she complained for the umpteenth time about thing she doesn’t like about this country (she’s an expat), and told her I’d had enough. She’s avoided me ever since and it’s been a HUGE relief.
What kills me is, she has a new husband. Isn’t it his job to listen to her and be supportive?
that some people don’t have adequate health care coverage. However, almost university has a psych department where free or sliding scale counseling services are avail. Also medical records are confidential unless you sign to release them.
The person that I posted about did and does have insurance and an above average income and would still never go to see a therapist because it’s easier for her to vent/rant/complain to her friends and she also doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her because her problems are, in her opinion, caused by everyone else. Unfortunately, I’ve come across a few of these types in my lifetime.
Another woman that I used to work with was a walking train wreck and she most certainly could afford therapy because our employer paid for it. When her problems started to affect her work our department head referred her to H.R. who referred her to counseling. She saw a therapist exactly one time and probably heard something she didn’t like because she never went back. She moved from person to person in our group at work for support until she ran out of options and people starting avoiding her because they simply couldn’t leave their work every day to have a “session” in the ladies room. She seemed to have radar for empathic people and have no problem whatsoever taking advantage of the generosity and kindness of others. Most adults simply don’t have the time, energy or inclination to deal with someone’s emotional problems at work, nor should they be expected to.
It’s one thing if someone hits a rough patch and needs occasional support, tea and sympathy or a reality check. It’s quite another if someone consistently makes bad life choices and then expects friends and family to prop them up or bail them out.
You say that people who don’t seek help for persistent problems have practical reasons for not doing so but how practical is it to expect a friend to offer constant support for months and sometimes years especially if it’s not reciprocal? Beyond the fact that a friend isn’t typically trained to help (and usually has zero training compared to even the most affordable therapist) enabling someone to continue in a cycle of negative thought and venting rarely, if ever, helped anyone. And the fact is that some people can only be helped by someone with counseling training. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a friend who seems stuck in a downward spiral is to assist them in finding some professional help.
i don’t agree with this as a reason why some friends use friends to complain at about their lives. I think they are simply selfishly self-absorbed. Some people think friendships are all about support but the reality is that for them it is all about YOU supporting them. I have recently been dropped by a needy friend because I called her on her behavior. It was offensive having this pointed out so she dumped me. I feel sad that she was unwilling to take an objective look at what I had to say, but ultimately, now I don’t have to hear all her problems and frankly it’s a relief.
I’ve become very needy and lonely recently. I transferred to a new college this year, and I have yet to make many friends. I have Asperger’s Syndrome so it’s hard to go out and make friends.
I got in contact with a woman who runs an organization for autistic kids, and I volunteered with her organization one day when she came to my area a few months ago. I added her on facebook and twitter. We stay in touch, but, recently, I’ve gotten an increasing need to be in touch with her more. Sending messages on facebook wasn’t enough. I asked for her number, but she never replied back with it. I then posted something on my blog that I sent to her to read. It had hints to her, but I’m not sure if she picked up on them.
I’m 22, and she’s 29 with 2 boys under the age of 8, one with autism.
I’ve always felt left out a lot. I never had a consistent group of friends growing up. I felt like this woman would be a perfect “big sister” for me. I’ve never had a big sister, and my younger sister wasn’t very accepting of my autism. In a lot of ways, I still feel like an angst-ridden teenager who is just wanting someone to look up to and to be a mentor to me.
She said something in her response to me about how “young kids and young adults have different priorities than young parents with kids.” It sort of gave me the message of “I like you and all, but we can’t be friends. You’re in college, and I’m a single parent raising 2 boys, one of which has autism.”
You asked why people who “like” to talk about their problems don’t see a therapist. One likely reason is they can’t afford it, or their health ins. has limited coverage for it, or they are afraid of being discriminated against if future employers see “therapy” in their healh records. And, yes, there are “low-fee” “sliding scale” therapists, but perhaps not everywhere and perhaps not good. Perhaps not wiith non business hours. A lot of practical reasons. Let’s not forget the poor economy we are in. Not every one has extra cash lying around to spend on therapy, even if they need it.
I agree with sepulveda; what does this woman do for you? She is clearly terribly self-centred. However, she probably doesn’t mean to be a cow even though she must wonder why she hasn’t got many friends. I’d say she makes negative comments all the time because she feels like crap inside.
I think the most helpful thing you can do for both this woman and yourself is actually sit her down and tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. I have done this with someone and felt a lot better afterwards. She apologised and even managed to change somewhat. But this woman probably won’t change enough to make a satisfactory friend in a short time frame. If she doesn’t want to listen, then you’ve done all you can AND she’ll know why you’re cutting her off.
tell her she has to stand in her own 2 feet. from what you said i can tell she loves u and she is kind of jealous. tell her she has to face reality. remember u also have responsibility. remind her that u still love her. never ignore her. be there when she needs u the most.
tell her to stop, to listen to ur problems. u have always been there for u. tell to be there for u. tell her u been feel ignored. tell u missed her old self, what u guys use to do together, tell you miss her
maybe she lost interest i u. if she were a true friend. she would never ignore your problems, she would help you in every way possible. she can talk about herself, but she has to know went to stop and give the word to you. u guys are growing older and further apart, she might think you r no fun to be around with anymore. It’s painful to accept, but someday she might loose complete interest in u.
I’m not buying it. You didn’t have a problem with the age gap when this friendship first started (initiated by you, no less), so why does it matter now?
It really does sound like you used this girl in the beginning when you needed support, but now that you are ready to “move on”, you want to bail. To heck with her needs.
At least she has the excuse of her youth and childhood experiences for her behaviour (which really just amounts to oversharing and overtexting, not exactly huge crimes). At 60+, you are supposed to be the mature adult who knows how to handle such a situation. If you knew you could not be a true friend to someone so much younger, you should not have led her on.
Bed. Made. Lie.
It sounds like this person is nothing more than a bully. I would tell him directly that he can’t bully you. Stop conversing with him. Don’t involve others. They will see him for the bigot and bully that he is.
Hope this helps. Irene
Have a person in our lives who is needy but has racial comments via email that we do not agree with. We have expressed our dislike on two other occasions prior to replying to an email that he cc-ed to all others. This person now continues to talk about us to others and is threatening to stop sporting events with us because we stood up to him. I have not talked to others about this and would prefer to keep this within the people it pertains to. On the other hand, he has choosen to talk to everyone about us. I have decided to talk to him in person and ask him to stop this childish behaviour and get on with life.
I started texting a girl 2 years ago because she was going thru a very hard time. I am in my 60s and she is in her 20s. She was abused as a child. And abandoned by her father at 3 and her mother at 11. At first it was just normal texting every few days. Actually i am the one that started it but after a few months it became every day several times a day. She is a very sweet girl and I leaned on her alot. I was in a bad marriage situation and was several hours away from any of my children. My husband passed away 7 months ago and I recently moved into the area where this girl lives ( because my son lives in the area). I didnt hve much of a life before but I do now. I travel and see my other children and am with my sons family alot plus i have other friends. I have tried to explain to her that I cant text constanty anymore because my life is busier now. But her response was ‘so i was good enuf for you when there was no one else but not anymore’. I try to spend time with her sometimes. I try to have coffee with her often and i meet her for lunch sometimes. But she is still texting me constantly. And gets hurt when i cant respond right away or If i ignore her. She texts me almost every day and tells me she loves me and she couldnt bear to be without me and she is so thankful to have me for a friend. She knows she isnt worthy ect. Not only that but ever since we have started talking there is something going on all the time. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!. And if i am off spending time with my children there is almost always some kind of drama that comes up in her life. I love her and i dont want to quit being her friend but how do i stop her being so dependant on me?
I have a friend I began texting about 2 years ago because she was going thru a hard time. At first it was just normal texting. But after a few months it became constant. Every day several times a day. I am in my 60s and this girl is in her 20s. She has emotional issues because of child abuse as a young child and being abandoned by her father at age 3 and mother at adolesence. She has become increasingly clingy and needy. I really dont mind. I really do love her and care about her. But several times in the last 6 months she has been very insecure. And I worry about her. She seems to feel like if I can not answer her txts very quick i am totally ignoring her. Some times I do ignore just because I dnt know what to say. I lost my second husband 6 months ago. And recently moved into the area where she lives. A few minutes from her house. (because my son lives close to that area). I didnt have much of a life before but now I have other friends and am with my children a lot. I try to meet her for lunch sometimes and have her over for coffee and to visit often. (try to every monday). She is a very sweet girl. when I was in a very bad marriage situation she stuck by me thru all of it. And really was my only close friend at that time. But now I feel like I need to move on with my life. Not quit being her friend just not texting and talking constantly since I have other people around now. She text me almost every day and tells me she loves me. And thanks me for beng her friend. And how much she appreciates it. But she seems to be getting angry when I am off spending time with my children. Does any one have advice for this situation. ?
…which is going to her party. Fair enough, right? WELL NOT FAIR ENOUGH.
It was meant for her ‘best’ friend (she kindddaa said that to my face…) but I got tagged along because I’ve never been round her house..
I don’t wanna go swimming and sleep over at her house with some stranger who’s in (I’m in school) the year above me…they both are but they’re only 2 months older.
AW MAN. I really don’t wanna go but we’re ‘new’ friends I guess…i’ve known her about 5 months now but we’re…quite close I guess.
Merrhhh…I dunno… =’(
i was very happy for her at the start, but she keeps going on and on about it, the other day she wore a black band round her breasts and a see through string vest, doesnt sound very insecure. i know she used to be insecure and i used to help her and give compliments all the time, but she doesnt need that now, she gets it off all the boys now and she always seems to feed off their seedyness :/, i guess i am just jealous, i cant help it, i just wish i looked like anyone else but me, i really am happy for her, but not when she rubs it in my face, i guess im just so unhappy with the way i look so i wish everyone else looks worse…
oh, and another thing- don’t think i don’t actively try to give my friends attention- i try very hard to do that, and they know i do. I think it’s good between us.
I used to get so confused, and think all over the place in terms of eomtions. now i realise this is part of being a -libra-, whether or NOt you subscribe toastrology is not my concern at present. Just letting you know that once I started taking B complex 100 vitamins with folic acid, I was able to climb on top that pile of confusion and make it my B^^^^. \
So if you guys feel confused like that, seesaw and kinda strange, please either get tested or just observe yourself! If you believe afterthat that you need them, try those vitamins! They helped me SO much! so so much. Please! For your own sake! You never know when a deficiency is causing your emotional problem. I am a different person now, because I tried so hard throughout my confusion to remember al lthethings I saw that were strange about my symptoms. Now those symptoms are gone. And all that is left is the adhd and asperger’s! I am so much better now! oops, long post again. oopsiekins.
oops. It finalyl took thecomment and I thought it hadn;t so I pasted it again and added a few important things that my brain wouldn’t shut up about! I am sorry everyone!!!
O.o
I apologise in advance for the monstrous blitzkrieg of verbage.
I am uncertain one way or another. I am a 28 year old independent (I shouldn’t drive. i just shouldn’t. the world wil lnot be safe. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I am a virgin, yada yada, i try to be nice to people and help them if i can yad yada) O.o libra female with adhd (diagnosed early in my life, at about.. oh waht was it… four or six yeas old, I think) asperger’s – self-diagnosed and my very kind psychologist tells me it’s pretty much a given. I am unable and therefore slightly unwilling to spend a lot of time with ANYONE, as if they do not constantly stimulate me, I get tired and fall asleep, or i get so bored becaues I can’t feel stimulation right (mostly it makes you feel the bad emotions, stimulated by bad moments) I feel so horrible, but I also know it’s not something that will -GO AWAY COMPLETELY- if I -work harder- on it. I have worked VERY HARD mentally on myself through the years, after realising I wasn’t evil, didn’t believe in hell and was something of an Objectivist… anyway, sorry for all the ‘I’s… um… let’s see… um.. where was I? Oh yeah.. um, I try to be there for my mom when I can. i live with my parents because I can;t work. I don’t do chores great sometimes, but I do them, almost every day I do at least one or two chores, sometimes more or less depending. I feel like she constantly wants me around, and she always is asking me to be around her and do things for her. Says she might be dying… but… her doctor didn’t say that, all the Doctor said was that her liver numbers were up. That’s IT. nothing MORE. She’s been saying she might be dying ofr years. goodgrief. so.. um… mom? get a grip? soemtims I think it’s one way, sometimes I think it’s another way. i can’t figure it out. And my father’s union is on strike… she’s convinced we’re gonna lose stuff. Keeps talking about how life sucks… then comforts US, but it’s really herself she’s trying to comfort. we don;t really need it, because what she is doing has ceased to give us comfort. Dad is also an aspie with adhd, but more of the black and white type… I soemtimes think he is her enabler, forwhatever it is she might have. Can someone help me? My psychologist says I should try and reconcile sort of with her, but… her behaviours aren’t changing enough. I don’t understand what I should do, what my options are in this situation. I can;t move out, I have to stay with them. It’s not like I don’t do anything forthem. I cook, i clean, (not always very well, becaue i hate touching goopy smelly dirty things) but they -can’t- becaue they are- too old-. But she sure stomps and jumps up anddown on -that hip- when she wants to. I go into my room and stay there almost all day (except for chores) unless I feel like i cna stand to be around her or she’s particularly mild that day. Go figure? eek? Am I being unreasonable in some way? Or is she really clingy and needy? She keeps telling me how she -doesn’t know- if she wants to talk to her other friends anymore, and has always said that about them, when she manages to get one. I have several lovely friends who lvoe me now, all online, but still. I don;t trust any of my old mates. They hurt me in odd ways. I am confused about what to do. mno solution presents itself, no matter how hard i think or wait or act or look. What to do? is now not the time, still? I ahve been waiting a long while. she keeps saying things like this is my house and i want it my way and i have wanted this or that since I was a little girl… she cna;t work… I can’t work.. dad realyl can;t work anymore… we are screwed maybe? sorry for typos- i type WAY too fast. and sometimes i backwards letters andswitch them. sorry! i deeply apologis/ze to anyone for the really long post, but.. ever so often, i need to say these things in a new place, hoping to gain a new perspective on what I can do to make things better… i met a few of my friends that way. I love them. They have made my life better, and worth living. through them I have been ableto better myself. why the hell can;t she find some friends of her own and stop gluing herselfto me? If she wolud stop this nonsense, ( now, i am callign it nonsense because that’s waht it seems like to me0- if it isn’t, i am sorry!! O.o) she would be a happier person. But I guess since I don;t do the bills (she does our bills, fels like we can;t do it ourselves becaue of the adhd and asperger’s, and maybe she;’s right, but who knows) and dad is the worker bee. she used to do temp jobs… but can’t anymore. i get stress-sick when I try to work. even going to the doctors makes me screwy. plus I get carsick. O.o Waht to do? I have no idea.
I am uncertain one way or another. I ama 28 year old libra female with adhd (diagnosed early in my life, at about.. oh waht was it… four or six yeas old, I think) asperger’s – self-diagnosed and my very kind psychologist tells me it’s pretty much a given. I am unable and therefore slightly unwilling to spend a lot of time with ANYONE, as if they do not constantly stimulate me, I get tired and fall asleep, or i get so bored becaues I can’t feel stimulation right (mostly it makes you feel the bad emotions, stimulated by bad moments) I feel so horrible, but I also know it’s not something that will -GO AWAY COMPLETELY- if I -work harder- on it. I have worked VERY HARD mentally on myself through the years, after realising I didn’t believe in hell and was something of an Objectivist… anyway, sorry for all the ‘I’s… um… let’s see… um.. where was I? Oh yeah.. um, I try to be there for my mom when I can. i live with my parents because I can;t work. I don’t do chores great sometimes, but I do them, almost every day I do at least one or two chores, sometimes more or less depending. I feel like she constantly wants me around, and she always is asking me to be around her and do things for her. Says she might be dying… but… her doctor didn’t say that, so.. um… mom? get a grip? soemtims I think it’s one way, sometimes I think it’s another way. i can’t figure it out. And my father’s union is on strike… she’s convinced we’re gonna lose stuff. Keeps talking about how life sucks… then comforts US, but it’s really herself she’s trying to comfort. we don;t really need it, because what she is doing has ceased to give us comfort. Dad is also an aspie with adhd, but more of the black and white type… I soemtimes think he is her enabler, forwhatever it is she might have. Can someone help me? My psychologist says I should try and reconcile sort of with her, but… her behaviours aren’t changing enough. I don’t understand.
I keep on giving examples for the to fix fix her problems but I think she just wants someone to moan to, for example she was having problems with her someone at work always contacting her and bothering her I said she should either tell her to stop face to face, stop replying to her texts, or report her to HR but she has done neither I keep saying its not going to go away if she doesn’t speak up and shes not going to stop if she keeps replying. Also she just broke up with her girlfriend of 4 years (who I because good friends with too) I feel stuck in the middle and now she wants me to go drinking in gay bars which I don’t really like doing its not like she ever comes to regular bars with me when iv had boyfriend problems and wanted a night out. Im always there to listen ill never turn her away when she needs someone I just feel like I need a break but with the breakup shes extra fragile and extra negative its just frustrating that she never takes my advice she just wants someone to bitch to, im always saying to her try to think positive and I know that its hard there no magic pill that will make everything go away but you will get through this in time she just gets mad at me.
Have you read your own letter? No? Go back and reread it, and tell *us* whether or not you should try and retain this friend. I realize you’re unhappy with her now, and probably only recounting the negative stuff that’s gone on between her and you, but it sounds like she’s your pity friend–the one everyone warns you about, but you ignore them because, hey, you know better! And maybe you do, but tell me, does she have other friends? Is she dependable? What exactly is it that she gives back to you, other than bad feelings? It sounds to me you want answers that say to you, “Heck yeah, let this negative person back in your life! Let this woman back who has little positive to say to you, who can’t take talking about no one else, including you, who’s only center of the universe is herself and her problems!”
I’d say let her go. Find someone else to befriend, and ask yourself why you let yourself be dumped on for so long by someone who’s driven everyone else away that she’s known, and is doing that to you, now.
I have been best friends with my friend for 15 years but over the last 5 I have started noticing things that really bother me and have ultimately brought me to question if the friendship is worth staying for. We used to always spend literally every minute together, we even used to live together. Then she had to move because she couldn’t or rather wouldn’t get or keep a job and our other roomies told her to leave. Honestly not allot of people like her they say she is snotty and uses people. Pretty much every person who knows us told me I need to drop her and that she is jealous and using me but I felt they didn’t see her good side. Lately I have been making a serious effort to better myself and am seeing great results but I suddenly notice she almost makes it harder. She criticized everything and if she can’t find a was to say something negative then she will get really short with me and change the subject. But thinking back about things I have done for her and looking at way she’s acted over certain things makes me question all of our friendship. Like before she had moved she slept with a guy I was talking to then apologized and did it again. But the thing is she didn’t even like him. Then I think of a recent situation where a guy she knew but didn’t like had asked her for my number. She gave it to him and told me I should give him a chance. But once things started to get serious she accused me of being a bad friend because she knew him first. I didn’t want to but I let him go because I valued our friendship. But she never even liked him and never even Hung out with him after that. With my daughters father she told me he was ugly and a loser and had nothing but negative things to say about him. Admitted he wasn’t the best guy but even when he was trying and making effort then he was just trash to her. And he says the fact I kept her in my life is a huge part of why we broke up but also allot of it was his actions. And she is so negative and at times outright cruel but if I try to say anything she gets mad and tells me I am to sensitive. It has gotten allot worse over the last 3 years because her life situation has changed. She never really held a job or got a license or a relationship and a couple yrs ago got pregnant by a guy who only visits late at night and only if they are intimate. He won’t pay childsupport and she won’t make him. But he just bought a boat for himself. She admitted she knows he is doing her and her daughter wrong but if I say it then she gets angry and snappes big time. I know her situation has amplified her personality flaws but I don’t know if I can take it much longer, I just want my friend as she used to be. I want to save our friendship because I love her and know that she can be a great friend and person. Any idea’s ?
do people who like to talk about their problems all of the time with their friends often refuse to see a therapist? It’s as if they think only “crazy” people seek professional help. In my book if you keep having the same kinds of problems for years on end, expecting your friends to continue to listen to you is placing a huge and unfair burden on the friendship. I had a friend like this. She complained about her ex-husband almost every day for three years until she met her current husband who she now also complains about every time we get together. It would be one thing if she actually took any of my advice but I think she just likes to complain. I’m more than happy to offer support to someone but if all we do when we get together is “friend therapy” it can become extremely wearing. It would be one thing if she actually took any of my advice but she seems to have a pattern of being miserable in her relationships. Either she’s picking the wrong men or she’s just the kind of person who is a professional fault finder.
Anonymous, it sounds like your friend is starting to affect your peace of mind and that’s obviously not good. If your friend is using you as an unpaid therapist perhaps you can gently suggest to her the next time she brings up an issue that you would like to focus on some solutions because taking a negative inventory is only going to make both of you feel badly and keep her stuck.
I am in need of some advice, I have been friends with my best friend for 16 years and we have always been there for each other but lately I feel like we are growing apart, our interests seem to be changing she still like some of the stuff we used to do together where as im growing out of it, she also never want to try the new things that im into, she always wants to talk about her problems (which im happy to hep with) but when I give her advice she never takes notice even though its how iv gotten through thing in the past, she always complains when ever we meet up now and I myself am going through my share of problems which she listens to for a shot period of time then changes the subject back to her.
Iv suggested maybe she should see a therapist because iv found it helps a lot but she just laughed and thought I was joking, I have had trouble with depression in the past and im always trying to keep negative thoughts out but with her always being negative with me I can slowly see myself getting back into my old ways, I wouldn’t mind so much if she spoke about my problems too but when its all about her its a big load to handle
She’s just insecure and you’re jealous of her. You need to find something to raise your self esteem. Don’t try to compete with her or compare yourself to her. You should be happy for a friend who’s happy about losing weight, not resentful.
been friends for long long time with this person.
i am a very easy going person & most people always wondered why me & her were friends cos people would say she was high maintenance,but we got on as such & we were only 18 @ time of meeting.
we have been there for each other over the years she’s helped me & i her & i totally appreciate her in every way for that….. it would take to long to go into more details.
i know i am changing as a person in my nature & needs and for the past 3 years she has had issues that i have helped & been there for her with…..the past 6 to 9 months tho have been really intense & draining on me. mentally/emotionally but nature wise that i am i’ve been there etc & tried to cheer her up/listen to the same thing over & over and give her the same advice over & over…it’s almost like repetative strain syndrome. the thing is i’m not alone in how i feel a couple of our other mutual friends feel the same & they’ve not had to listen to or help with a fraction of what i have the past while & she doesn’t expect as much from them.
i hate that i feel this way it makes me feel so very guilty & i know that if i say anything she will react by possibly casting things up and making me feel bad etc & i will be the bad one who she would let people know about. this is when i wish my nature was more ‘hard’.
There is no right answer, your intuition is your best bet. You said that she is a sweet person? There is no sweetness from how you describe her. All I see is that she saw a prey and she is taking as much as she can possible get and I am guessing she is having a lot of fun doing it and is perhaps quite proud of herself. You don’t want to be a bad person. But ask yourself who is the one behaving beyond reasonable here? She is either betting on this part of your personality or perhaps she has something that you need emotionally? Take good care of yourself and stop letting the so-called friend walks all over you.
For the record, whenever she tries/tried to call me, I rarely answered the phone. I will answer occassionally, but for the most part I just let it go to voicemail. I know that its still somewhat enabling her, but up until now, I didn’t realize it and I know that was my mistake for letting it continue.
Maybe I’m just a softy sometimes. In all fairness though, I actaully DID stop talking to her for a few months because I was trying to make her see that she pushes people away by her constant neediness. I DID tell her to stop calling so much. I told her if she wanted to talk she would have to do so through text because my life does not revolve around her. I rarely answer my phone anymore. She can text all she wants, but I just cannot stand all the phone calls. Texting allows me to reply to her whenever I want. I have considered changing my number, but at the same time, its like why should I have to be the one to change my number when I didn’t even do anything? Is there an app that can block certaiin people from calling you? I do feel bad for her, but I guess you are right. I’m pretty much enabling her and I need to stop because I don’t think she will ever stop trying to call me. Do you think she sounds clingy and needy, or just plain psycho? The examples I made in my previous comments were situations where I refused to answer my phone and then she would text me two seconds after she tried calling and said “oh hey girl, I was calling to tell you……………blah blah blah”. It was always the same bullshit texts that never went anywhere and half the time they didn’t even make sense. I’m starting to think she’s in love with me. Lol. Jk jk. What should I do now? Be blunt and tell her I need to take a few months off from her? Ask her to respect my boundaries again? I just don’t know what to do. She is a sweet person, but I cannot keep enabling her just because I “feel bad” for her.
I thought I was doing the right thing for cutting her off the first time. Was I? Should I strictly text her from now on instead of trying to set limits for phone calls again? Man oh man, I’m so wiped out.
Have you every considered that the reason why she calls you at least 10xs a day because you are still talking to her? If you felt overwhelmed, shouldn’t you have a set number and times that she could call you, basically a limit? And stop talking to her if she refuses to respect your limit, unlike you are still talking to her even though she ignored you request of not wanting to hear about the boyfriend situation. If you enforced the boundary you set for yourself, the likely outcome is that she will find some other prey. Good luck!
I’m not sure if you read my comment. It was about my best friend who loaned this guy money. Yikes, total nightmare! I do understand where you’re coming from, but at the same time, if someone asks you to LOAN them money and when they promise to pay it back within a certain amount of time yet you never see a penny of what was promised, then I don’t consider that to be someone “in need”….. I consider it to be someone who is very dishonest on purpose knowing full well that they never intended on paying that person back to begin with. Some people are in need, but some just use people and they don’t care what they have to say or do to get it. People should not make promises they cannot keep. So honestly that guy wasn’t in need, he was just a jerk. And you are damn right…..I gladly congratulate myself because I stuck by my friend even when I knew the choices she was making were not very well thought out. I love her to death, but I’m also upset at her for making a promise to me and then breaking it, THEN calling me to talk about that same dishonest person asking me what she should do and when I tell her that I would appreciate it if she didn’t bring that situation up anymore, she still keeps doing it. I have always been her shoulder to cry on, and I still am, but I am so done with that particular situation because its over and done with. She got played and she knew it yet she continues to call me over and over. I have asked her to stop and have tried to change the subject in a positive way. Still, she won’t let it go and I’m tired of repeating myself and hearing her repeat herself. But in all seriousness, I don’t know if I can go on with my friendship with her because she is almost 27 years old and she acts like she has no common sense. I don’t mind her talking about guys, school, her mom, whatever it may be………but come on now, if you could just put yourself in my shoes you would probably wish you were deaf lol. I mean, I posted a comment on here before and giving an example, so I think ill use a similar example of what I go through. Example: my friend will call me early in the day and I do answer to talk. Then I say I have to get off the phone because I have errands to run but that I will call her when I get a chance. She then proceeds to call me a half an hour later. If I don’t answer (because I’m genuinely busy) she texts me saying something like “oh hey girl, I was calling to tell you I was on my way to go pick up my mom from work.” I swear to god, that’s all she calls to say. Nothing more, nothing less and then I’m left puzzled thinking “ummm, ok, is there a point or moral to this random text or call????” About 90 percent of her texts or call are like that. They have no point. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say because I’m trying to say my friend really is clingy, needy, and I know she is insecure and I do care, but why does she need to tell me every detail of her day even when it has nothing to do with self esteem or insecurity. Don’t you think two phone calls in one day is enough? I do, but she will call me a minimum of ten times everyday. I’m not exxaggerating. No joke. I’m overwhelmed.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I had left out a part of my last comment. Here’s the 411 about that guy she lent money to.
My best friend never dated this guy. They were pretty much just aquaintences and talked every so often. She kept letting him use her and she was always asked me why I thought he was using her for her money (I made some really valid points) but she never ever listened to my advice so I told her to stop talking about this guy because I was tired of hearing her bitch to me about it when she knew very well he was a jerk. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I hate how needy and clingy she is. She doesn’t use me as her “spare friend”. Or at least I don’t think she does that. Anyway, I said “look elena, I love you to death and you know you can call me if you ever need anything, but all you ever talk about is the same thing over and over and over and our conversations don’t really go anywhere. So please stop calling me all day and all night just to talk about your crush. You have to stop calling me so much. I feel like you’re too needy.” I’m not sure if that was the right thing to say, but I feel like I said the right thing. This happened over the course of two months. I really didn’t want to cut her off, but I felt that I had no choice but to do so because even after asking her to limit her phone calls to me, she still kept on calling and calling and calling about the same crap.
Another annoying needy habit she has is that if she’s not talking about that one guy, she’s calling me for some really ridiculous reasons and I think most people will agree. For example: she had a habit of calling me over the dumbest stuff non stop throughout the day and if I didn’t answer my phone she would text me and say “oh hey girl, I was calling to tell you what I made for dinner so call me!” Like W…T…F! It got so bad that I started screening my phone calls by force, not by choice. I mean, I love hearing about how her day went, but I don’t need her calling me non stop throughout the day just to tell me stuff like that. Its like ummmm ok, why are you telling me stuff I never even ask. I’m not trying to be rude about it, but she calls for the weirdest stuff. I don’t even ask about. I just want her to stop calling me a million times a day. I also want her to stop texting me right after she calls if I don’t answer my phone. That is so annoying! I care about her, but I don’t need to know every detail. What’s next? Is she gonna call me just to tell me she just got done taking a massive shit?! “Oh hey girl, I was calling to tell you I just took a huge dump and I wanted to share that with you. Call me!” Lmao! Smh. She’s needy and naive. She has no life, but I do, so I just don’t know what to do anymore. I ignore her. I tell her I’m busy right now. I say ill call her when I get a chance. But she never gives me a chance to be the one to call her!!! she literally calls every thirty minutes. She is smothering me! God help me please!! Lol
reading through this first page of comments, all I’ve seen is a litany of self-congratulation on rationalizations of what a friend is. Burdens? When people are in need, they’re in need. Some money people simply can’t pay back. There is a hell of a lot of judging going on in these comments. It isn’t healthy. It’s groupthink.
To all:
Please curtail any name-calling or I will need to delete your messages per the conditions of the site. I want to maintain the supportive atmostphere that dominates this blog.
Thanks so much for your cooperation!
Irene
And calling someone stupid isn’t cruel??
You are the worst type of Pharisee. Jesus hates you.
I am an emotional person, and definitely too sensitive. I try to pretend that things don’t bother me, that I’m ok, that I’m able to let it all roll off my back. The only person I vent to is my therapist. I don’t date, and haven’t in years. I don’t have friends. No one comes to my apartment. I try very hard to be what I’m not, because nobody likes a sensitive, emotional, rather immature, and lonely person. I don’t tell people how lonely I am since no one wants lonely people. I’m exhausted, depressed and terribly sad. Why go on living when people demand authenticity, yet no one wants the rea you because you’re “wrong”.
People don’t exist to appreciate each other. That’s what parents and pets are for. Just telling someone to find new friends is cruel, if it was that easy, he wouldn’t be asking us. What, can’t you see his point of view? Or is invalidation and self-centered ness your first reaction? Or maybe you’re just stupid.
You really need to find new friends who appreciate you for the great person I’m sure you really are. Maybe someone harmed your reputation with poisonous gossip, or maybe they are jealous of you for some reason. Whatever the reason, they aren’t acting like true friends, so find yourself some new people to hang with. I’m sure you’ll be much happier.
It sounds to me like she is hurt that you no longer wish to go out as often and she thinks you don’t want to be with her anymore. Why not try inviting her to just chill at home or do other stuff that doesn’t involve going out? Explain to her that you no longer wish to go partying as much, but that you enjoy her company and would like to do quiet stuff with her more often. If she only wants to party, then perhaps you and she are moving separate ways. That’s not a bad thing. It just means that you grew up a little faster and you’re a quieter person. Maybe she’ll be open to more laid back activities, as long as she understands that you still like her. Try suggesting watching movies, playing board games, walks in the park, bike riding (if you both ride bikes). There are many activities you can do which don’t involve parties and bars.
Hi, just reading this post today and as a former HR manager for many years, I am horrified by this form of harrassment you are enduring. You simply MUST get your HR manager involved. This is not something you should have to be dealing with at work. As your manager, this woman has you in a subordinate position where you feel you must accept her advances or your job is in jeopardy. This is absolutely unacceptable and it is the responsibiliy of your upper management, specifically HR, to deal with this. I pray you will report this immediately. Write down every specific instance you can recall, and the more detailed the better. Do not let this person drive you away from your job. If HR won’t help you, contact an employment lawyer. This person is a liability to the company and needs to be counseled, but HR can’t help you if they don’t know about it. This is far beyond the scope of what you should be carrying on your own shoulders.
Just reading the article again, the spirit of it is really to try to maintain a friendship, and is about extreme cases, of which many people do have to set boundaries. It was some posts that seemed more callous. Truth is everyone is different, stay with a needy friend if it’s in your hear to, repsectfully set boundaries if necessary…
Honesty tends to be the best policy
I know, that’s terrible….poor guy.
I’ve had my share of needy friends, and tend to share the sentiments of this lady described above. I even know that some friendships weren’t mutual, in that I gave more over the long term than the other person. This was simply because the other person didnt have the internal resources to be equal. I’ve even been used I guess, but, I guess if someone has no other support but you, and they use you, well, sometimes at least, they have to for their very own survival. when people are in survival mode they rarely think of the other person, so I wasnt hurt. The 1 percent of needy friends I have had I have needed to relinquish.
I tend to have a sense of the difference betweeen people who can stand on thier own two feet and not enable them, and those who can, and be there for them accordingly. I try to have rleationships in life that are balanced, some friends might be needy, try to have other friends that are doing well, or who are balanced like me in general.
In the main post, something was said about saying “not get together every Friday” as setting a boundary. I imagine it must feel lousy to have a friend who doesnt want to be in contact once a week, another blog article talks about people wishing they had more regular frienships like other women where they see friends and talk on the phone regularly. So, anyway….I think friendships where you it’s not spontaneous and you have to “count” or limit get togethers isnt a very good one. It feeels as if someone can olnly tolerate so much of you. I have only done this with people who have no sense of boundaries. I might talk to and see a friend several times over a couple of weeks, then not for antoher couple of weeks. It’s just spontaneity, and it’s healthy. I might be in touch often with someone alot in the beginning of a friendship because it does take time together to get to know someone, then maybe less frequent. I try not to be too restrictive with needy friends, just natural. If i dont like someone, I am just not their friend at all, rather than setting boundaries, I feel another person deserves the respect of not having me be their friend solely out of charity, unless we agree that’s what it is of course…
This is an interesting topic. I’ve always been someone my friends can turn to. For the most part, those friends managed to bounce back from those dark days. One or two (with MH issues) haven’t been so lucky or just go through cycles or hard times. I’m pretty good with keeping my boundaries in check with them.
But, I’ve been through some really rough crap in my time; devastating break-ups (full on Jerry Springer style), I’ve been sexually assaulted a couple of times (total strangers, not situations I’ve walked into wilfully – not that that makes a difference). And when I’ve turned to some of my “friends”; for nothing more than an ear to talk to… DEAD SILENCE. Or better yet, being discounted or cut off. I’ll go to a professional as needed. But you shouldn’t have to PAY someone to get a little compassion. I shouldn’t have to BEG for someone to please listen.
It was only in recent years that I finally made a couple of genuine friends. People who know how to be there. One friend I can think of; she is totally amazing. The last time I was assaulted, she was there to listen (and I didn’t call often…amazing what happens when someone really, really listens to you in a few conversations). And when we went out at night; she’d make sure I got home safe. Then a couple years later I was having some health problems and my parents who thought they were being helpful were simply making me MORE stressed out. I mentioned it to this friend casually. You know what she said? “Okay, if you need the surgery call me for your pre-op consultation and I’ll be there to take notes and stuff.”
I didn’t need the operation in the end. But in my mind: THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND.
And believe me, I’ve been that friend to countless others. Here’s the thing; when your first response to anyone in a crisis is to judge, criticize, block them out or basically treat them with disrespect because they’re having trouble in their lives – you are teaching them that they don’t count and you undermine their self-esteem. But when you really listen, validate and give them positive encouragement and feedback, for the most part, they will find a way to stand on their own two feet.
And yes, there are extreme cases of folks who never pull it together. You know what happens with them? They wind up calling distress centre lines and the most frequent thing they say is that they’ve run out of people to turn to. Yes, you must look after yourself and your own needs. You must set boundaries. But some of what I’m reading here in the responses is just folks being plain old self-centred. Maybe, if you’re real lucky you’ll run into hard times and get a taste of your own medicine.
i would really love advice on my situation at present, i have been friends with a girl, the same age as me since secondary school, i have always really enjoyed her presence and chat. we used to go out and have great nights, however a lot has changed, she has become more wild and eager to be out and about drinking and partying every weekend, where as im the other side i just prefer to be goin out every now and again, talking to her early in the weeks she asks me to join her out and when i say no she simply completely shuts down and ends the conversation abruptly, she has been doing this every week and by me saying no i feel so quilty about the whole thing. on facebook she replies with one word answers to a comment where i have said im not sure if im available. it really gets to me the fact that one person can make me feel so down in myself and quilty about simply saying no. If iv plans with my boyfriend, yet again she can not understand these plans and gets annoyed at me, there has not been a fight or tension when i see her she acts so lovie and friendly to me when i do go out with her but when there is a no she just changes! is this a true friend? is it wrong for me to be so bothered by this, ok i know this does not sound so complicated but i cant bare how she makes me feel, what should i do?
You are in one of the toughest situations of anyone, there probably isn’t a person out there who hasn’t had this same type of thing happen to them. Think of it as mob mentality. They are ganging up on one person.
Reach out to your guidance counselor, he or she can help you deal with this. Sometimes kids can eat lunch elsewhere, for example. I know that it is embarassing to talk to an adult about it, but they can help.
Liz
ever since i entered high school i had a group of Friends in which we were the “it” once but yet we chatted another day and told me i am plastic,self centered and someone who is WEAK and feeling strong because i became friends with them and all i can do is to cry all night because they are my only friends how can i stand alone without them..?
Update; As I anticipated, my needy manager called my home late eve Sept 20 & early morn the following day.
I call screened both, the early morn call coming at 7:54 am with a message left saying ” gooood morning – this is your royal pain in the ass – is everything ok hon, I’ve been calling you and you don’t call me back – hope you’re ok.” She was calling me on HER day off as I was getting ready to go to work !! When I arrived at work later that morn another co worker told me that the needy manager had already text her 3 times to ask if everything was ok……..The co worker was not impressed and stated that we need to perform a (leave the job behind) intervention with the manager. Later that day the manager called work (for no valid reason) and spoke with a newly hired co worker who had just started her shift, asking what we were all doing, what the co worker did after leaving work the day before and asked if she could speak with me as she had been leaving me messages and I didn’t call her back. Thankfully I was busy, didn’t take the call and temporarily avoided having to explain / lie about dodging her calls. Even the new co worker was left scratching her head, she too has experienced questions from the manager she prefers not to answer. Unfortunately later – later on in the day I wasn’t so lucky………she called yet AGAIN (for no reason) !! I answered the call, no more avoiding and was greeted with a ” Hey…. I’ve missed you – where you been – what you been doing – you can’t have a life outside work (Laughs) ” My hackles were up !! I replied ” yes I do have a life actually and you need to get one too – I’m starting to think we need to call you the crazy stalker manager.” She laughed it off, but I could tell in her voice she was slightly rattled by my comment. She went on with some superficial small talk and then I cut her off and said I needed to get back to work and I would see her tomorrow (today) as it’s a day we work together.
No call to me last night after I got home…….maybe my comment hit a nerve…….I certainly hope so.
Hearing how the others are frustrated with her constant calls it’s now confirmed that she has a bit of a problem. Sad……..
I’ll be sure to impress on her that there is life outside of the workplace, friends, family………
” Work to live…….not live to work “
I really really sympathize. I think that because you work so closely and she is your manager, that really does make it very complicated, but you still have a right to let your personal life be your own. Not sure how big the company is – do you have a human resources dept? It may be worth having a private conversation with them, see if they have suggestions. You may also want to speak privately with HER manager about the situation. And then… there is the use of small white lie to deter her from so much contact outside of work (this is to try to make it a little more peaceful at work while also letting her know you wont be available much outside of work) – tell her you have another close friend or family member who has a chronic serious illness and you will be spending a lot of time with them. (If she interrogates you about the details, you can say the sick friend wants to keep it as private as possible, so you really cant discuss it more than that.) With that said, over time, she may start to lessen her calls to you and you’ve got a ready excuse for why you arent around to answer her calls… not fully honest, but if it saves your job it could be worth it…?
Many thanks to all for your kind advice. Not sure how this situation will play out. Shortly after being hired at my new job I supported my – now overbearing co- worker / manager through a rough patch. She’s been with the company for several years and was torn inside out debating whether to apply for a management position.
She’s a definite asset to the company and I encouraged her to go for it ! She did get the position – because she earned it and couldn’t thank me enough for helping her realize it.
There are a total of five employees (her included) and I seem to be the one she has most in common with, (age, kids, work experience.) I know I’m the only one she calls outside of work, but the others have experienced similar uncomfortable situations with regard to her asking too many personal questions as well as repeated calls to work to check that all is ok when she’s not there. She has a husband, grown children and even grand children, but is far too invested in her job and other people’s lives. I’ve suggested she find a hobby as she doesn’t seem to know what to do with herself when she’s not at work. Never talks about friends or outside interests, other than the ocassional visit with her young grand kids.
Several times she’s called and left a message for me to call her ” as soon as I can – she has something she needs to tell me. ” I’ve returned her call and sarcastically asked ” what’s going on, where’s the fire ? ” Always to find that “something” was nothing – nothing at all……..
Our work environment is one where we work side by side, no possible way to avoid speaking to a co worker and no other office / dept to transfer to. If I confront her with this problem I know she’ll be devasted and working together without hurt / hard feelings will be next to impossible. Changing my home number isn’t an option because my place of employment has to have my current phone number and as my manager she would have access to it.
Unfortunately I’m growing increasingly resentful towards her and have started looking for employment elsewhere. Once again as I’m writing, my home phone is ringing (you know who) calling from work (5:22pm), likely on a break and most certainly with nothing of any immediate importance to tell me. That’s call number two I’ve screened today as well as one last night, and probably not the last – she’ll call later this evening when she get’s home to interrogate me and find out exactly why I haven’t answered her calls………
I agree with all of the above post, by Eagle Wings. One extra bit of advice I would offer, after I had a similar work/inquisitor ‘friend’ situation go very very badly:
Be gentle but firm about your limits with her. But it looks like she will probably take it badly, and you say she is your manager. Keep your phone log of all her calls, and be prepared to document any ‘bad’ reactions she has, which may include her attempts to treat you badly in the workplace. You MUST keep a record. I had eerily similar situation, and my ‘inquisitor’ began to harass me and stalk me at work quite seriously – I ended up needing to involve HR and a lawyer. KEEP A RECORD OF YOUR ENCOUNTERS WITH HER! Write them down, keep her texts/emails/etc if she sends you any. That was the most important advice the lawyer gave me.
Some people who behave like this have serious personality disorders, and when you injure their ego they will lash out. You could be a target, as she is your manager. Do not be afraid to communicate with HER manager, and HR, if she harasses you. Most workplaces have specific policies on this matter, so you may want to check out the policies there.
To say that your co-worker’s behavior is excessive is a vast, vast understatement!
This is even more difficult because you do work with her, and you’ve already tried establishing limits with her once, but she chose to ignore it – which means (and you probably don’t want to hear it, but-), you will have to speak up and be even more firm about it, to let her know you’re serious.
She did mention to you that she is lonely (or that’s how I took her “I don’t have a life outside of work” comment).
You can tell her you empathize with her, but it’s not your responsibility to be the one and only source of her comfort and companionship.
If she wants a life outside of work, it is her responsibility to make one for herself, it’s not yours.
You could take it one step further (help fix her loneliness problem) by choosing to assist her in making new friends – but only if you want to do it.
If you have some acquaintances, you could introduce them to her.
Or just suggest she take up hobbies to fill her time, or start attending functions to meet other people (she’s likely not going to make friends if she never leaves her home or never looks outside the workplace for them).
More friends for her means she will spend more time calling them and less time calling you.
Don’t feel the need to make excuses or lie to her about what you were doing, or why you would not take a call.
Be very up front with her (you don’t have to be mean spirited or rude when you do it), just be very forthright and tell her while you enjoy her company at work, you are not as interested in being her close personal friend outside of work, and that you find the constant questions / calls highly intrusive or inappropriate or uncomfortable, and you don’t like them.
You mentioned that once when you were a little blunt with her on some of these points she got offended. That’s okay.
Undoubtedly when you have another frank talk with her to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable to you, she will get offended again (and/or angry or hurt).
She might even begin giving you the “cold shoulder” at work from that point on. All of those possible outcomes are a risk you have to be willing to accept to confront her.
I had to learn the hard way it’s better for me in the long run to speak up and say what’s bothering me and risk someone being offended/ angry/ crying over my honest comments than it is bottling all those emotions up to suffer in silence – or only to explode in anger at them later when I’ve had it, can’t take anymore, and blow a fuse.
As I wrote on an older post on this site, you can never truly make friends at work; it’s a mistake to view the job as a place to make friends.
It’s fine to be cordial with your co-workers, but do not look to your job for meaningful relationships, or you will be let down every time. Most people only care about their pay checks, not about you (another lesson I had to learn first hand). Your co-worker needs to learn all that as well.
If your co-worker absolutely refuses to change her actions after you speak to her about it, I would seriously consider going to Human Resources (or maybe your boss) and explaining to them what’s going on, and that it’s interfering with your ability to perform your job.
I would ask them to speak to her, and/or for them to move her (or you) to another department where you don’t have to deal with her directly very much, if at all.
If you choose not to change your phone number and/or continue taking personal calls from her – let’s say she begins by telling you she’s calling to discuss something about work, but it veers into her personal life, or she begins interrogating you about your life, I’d boldly speak up at that very moment and tell her you refuse to chat with her over your life or hers, and if there is no more work-related business to discuss, you will be hanging up.
And then (if she doesn’t say “bye” or discuss more work related things), say good bye and hang up on her.
She might get miffed or hurt over those sorts of actions, but if you don’t want to be on the phone with her for hours, that’s really the only way out of it (other than changing your number or screening calls with Caller ID).
If you choose to keep taking personal calls from her, please set limits on her, and tell her what your limits are!
Tell her plainly you will only take “X” number of phone calls from her per day / per week, and only for “X” number of minutes, and stick to it.
If she’s on the phone and goes over your “X” number minutes limit, tell her so, tell her you’ve enjoyed the chat but you will be going now – then say “good bye” and hang up.
You’re only going to be taken advantage of and annoyed by this woman as much as you permit her to.
It’s up to you to control the situation and change things. She has no reason or incentive to change her behavior because you don’t put your foot down.
It’s fine to feel close to someone, but her line about “you’re my sister from another mother” combined with her round the clock quasi-stalking sounds like she is enmeshed with you; she sounds way, way too dependent on you and you alone to meet her emotional needs.
She needs to realize it’s not healthy or fair to herself or others in her life to be that incredibly emotionally dependent on one other human being constantly.
She needs to be content with herself, her own company, and/or she needs to force herself to widen her social circle (by going out of the house more, to non-work related places) to make acquaintances/friends with other people.
——sig line——–
post by Eagle Wings
my e-mail address:
wingseagle27 AT yahoo dot com
Oh this is very very hard – it would be an easier situation if you didnt work with her but working together definitely complicates it. I wonder if you have gotten to know anybody else at work, who you might be able to share some of this with, to see if they have some insight into her? (“She always does this with new people, just dont answer her calls and eventually she goes away”, perhaps…) Just a thought. I would do that carefully, though; since you are new at the office, you dont want to appear to be a gossiper or troublemaker. Also, if you decide to approach her, even gently, that you would prefer not to receive calls from her outside of work, and she reacts badly – keep a log of your conversations and interactions with her. If she becomes harassing, you will want to keep a record in case you have to address the situation with human resources. (I say this from experience, a very painful experience – very similar – when I tried to let my ‘inquisitor friend’ I didnt want so much contact, he became very harassing and hostile, to the point that it was very hard to do my job and I had to report him to HR.) I hope these suggestions help!
I’m having a real problem with a needy co worker. I started a new job 5 months ago and with the job came a woman (now my manager) who is very needy. On the positive side, we work well together, she has a huge heart, nice lady and totally dedicated to the job. On the down side, she’s intrusive, asks very personal questions and calls me far too often. When I have days off she calls me at home repeatedly, sometimes 3-4 times a day.
When I’m at work, on an opposite shift from her, she calls me at work, to discuss trivial, unimportant things. When she calls work I often tell her I’m busy and can’t talk to end her call. If I don’t answer her calls to me at home, she grills me when I do speak to her, asks where was I, what was I doing, who was I with, when did I go out or get home ? Wants to know intimate details of my life that I don’t care to share and I find myself lying to avoid answering her questions. Her phone calls always start off work related, she “just” calls to tell me something that happened at work, then it goes on from there. She calls my home early morning, late night, and as I live alone (divorced and my kids are grown) she expects me to be home and pick up and is offended when I don’t. Sadly, she’s told me that she doesn’t have much of a life outside work. Too often our conversations are about nothing, and they can go on for hours if I don’t make an excuse to hang up. As I write this (9:20 am) my phone is ringing – thank goodness for call ID. She leaves a message saying “Oh I guess you’re busy, just wanted to say good morning, I’m kinda bored”……
This – after I ignored her message from last night, already speaking with her twice earlier in the day. We easily became friends at work and I enjoy working with her, but now I’m feeling suffocated by her neediness. She calls me her sister from another mother and speaks as if she’s known me her whole life. On my days off I don’t care to know what’s going on at work (it’s nothing I need to know) and I don’t like having to account for my time. What can I do ? Working with her makes this situation more complicated.
Friendship is supposed to be a mutually beneficial and enjoyable thing. Sure, you may have rocky times, as in any kind of relationship, but overall it should be something you WANT to engage in. It sounds to me like you could benefit from working on accepting that your own feelings and thoughts are valid. It’s hard for some of us! Escpecially non-confrontational, caring types. But, to me the bottom line is that this friendship is depleting you, stressing you out, and making you feel bad. You have to look out for you. If you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, don’t. You’ll figure out what the best way of going about that is. I feel bad for her, she is obviously in pain. She definitely should seek help for her self sabotaging behaviors.
Thank you Irene and Eagle Wings for your words of encouragement. She totally denied being negative and said she was not that way (????) So I just let her stew for awhile and then she said to me recently: “Before you have one of your mood swings and cut me off remember I am good to you as a friend” I am learning that familiarity breeds contempt…as soon as a gift is given they use that as a guilt trip. But when she quieted down I calmly explained to her not to be negative around me because it pulls me down, she denied it and blames me for having a mood swing (she is lucky she has never seen a real one) I have bipolar and fibro and PTSD and people seem NOT to “get it ” that I get tired, I need Xtra sleep or maybe want to do my art, write or read a book…..I get overwhelmed and can only spend so much time then I need to be alone…..but she has calmed down considerably compared to before but who knows when it will happen again.
I love this website it is very informative and helpful
i have a friend who is hard to get along with, she brags all the time, especially about her weight, she’ll say ‘oh i need some new clothes because ive lost weight’, this makes me feel fat and ugly, because shes so pretty and slim, also i cant go out with anyone else, she goes everywhere with other friends, but as soon as i want to go out with my friend, she says ‘ oh i hate my life, no one likes me, im not invited anywhere,’ she always turns it onto me, she gets everything she wants but thats still not enough, shes rich, spoilt and pretty, but she still thinks her life is annoying, she doesnt take anyone elses life into account, i cant afford clothes like hers, the only thing i love about myself is my hair, but then she went and got her hair all done and dyed, the colour i wanted, i swear she has more money than sense, i used to think she was my best friend, i tell her everything, when im upset and so on, but she never tells me anything, ever, she’ll just say ‘oh, ive told so and so now’, or ‘ oh it doesnt matter’, its as if im just one of her friends thats there, not a best friend, im beyond caring really, she has no consideration for other peoples feelings, me and my other friend even go to a secret cafe to get away from her, i used to know a friend i could get along with, but shes disapearing now :\
From anon
Thank you for your comment. I have been dealing with this same problem and I will tell her that exact same thing. I am not responsible for entertaining her. That feels good to say.
That is a tough spot to be in, because this lady sounds like she might have severe mental health problems.
If she is unstable and possibly needs psychiatric help, confronting her directly might not be the way to go, unless you are very delicate in how you broach the topic with her.
Even if she has mental health problems, I think you might be able to very gently explain to her that you have problems too and that you find constant negativity (or however you want to phrase it to her) exacerbates your own mental health issues (the PTSD etc).
If you choose to stay in touch with this woman, you will have to strongly consider being blunt and tell her you’ll talk to her, but only if she stays away from topics you find upsetting.
Or, you can place limits on it; tell her you’ll listen to her complain about whatever she wants to for only ten minutes, and anything beyond that, you will hang up on her.
Or, when she gets into one of her paranoid/negative rants, cut her off as quickly as possible and change topics, like, for example, say,
“Oh yes, I heard that on the news too, it is awful… but hey, the daffodils I planted last week are getting mold on their leaves, do you have any suggestions how to fix that?”
(This tactic might require you planning ahead and coming up with a list of topics you can bring up to throw her off guard.)
Many people who are constant complainers get annoyed by those who are relentlessly upbeat and positive and who refuse to join in a gripe fest.
So next time she begins complaining, maintaining a positive attitude might put a damper on her tendency to complain, and she might seek out a new target.
You have to look out for you – and don’t feel guilty about doing so.
If this woman’s behavior is making your mental health problems worse (or is just annoying you or creeping you out), you owe it to yourself to draw a line to protect yourself.
Even if protecting yourself means her feelings get a little hurt or miffed in the process by being blunt with her, cutting off contact, or however you choose to deal with it.
I know it can be hard to turn someone down if they’re in a jam or they’re hurting, but if their problems are causing you pain you can’t deal with, you have a right to protect yourself.
Does this woman have any friends or family you could phone or meet, to explain the situation to them, and tell them you don’t feel comfortable intervening, taking on this role for her?
Could you ask them if they have considered she might need to see a mental health professional?
If none of this works or helps, your only option might be cutting her off totally (without giving her a forewarning or explaining why, just stop talking to her), which would mean getting Caller ID and not taking her calls.
I know you said not replying to her calls makes her angry, but for your own protection, that might be a step you will have to take.
Edit: I know you say you hate conflict (I used to be that way too), but it’s either muster up the courage to confront the woman and face conflict….
or suffer in silence, where resentment will built up, and ironically, you may eventually snap at her and scream at her.
It’s better to face your fears and confront her now (even if she gets angry or cries) than let your anger and annoyance simmer, simmer, simmer until you erupt in rage, or her behavior makes you mentally fall apart.
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post by Eagle Wings
~if you have an issue with me, please contact me directly via the site’s contact form, rather than leaving public complaints about me. If that’s not possible, I can make available an e-mail address (please try wingseagle27 AT yahoo DOT com) . thanks~
You probably need caller-ID!
Seriously, you need to downgrade this relationship so that she doesn’t depend on you as much as she does to complain. Can you limit the amount of time you spend on the phone together? Can you tell her that some of the things she says are upsetting to you because you are trying to think positively? Can you spend more timing doing things together (perhaps going to a movie or such) rather than chatting?
Best,
Irene
I made friends with a women who is in her sixties…I am almost fifty. I have been through lots but am feeling healthier and more positive. I write , do art, and these take time.
This woman phones me to say the most outrageous items from the news which I cannot handle because of PTSD and I frankly donot want to hear it. I cannot control what happens on the earth…she constantly bitches about her family and is revengeful and bitter in her speaking and actions. She gets angry if I donot answer the phone. She is always drama and I believe she needs medical attention and counselling because she burdens me with her paranoia, says she sees and hears things.
I try to understand because i know what flashbacks are about but I am NOT a counsellor , nor am I a psychiatrist.
Everything is always about who did what to her and that the world is going crazy and we are next kinda dialogue…
I don’t need this, I am trying to forgive and move on in life…she zaps my creativity even though I don’t believe she is a bad person she really needs help though and I cannot give her all the attention she needs.
What should I say to her? I hate conflict!
Stop responding to her. Block her number or texts if you can. Do what her boyfriends have done, and don’t respond to her. She can’t drag you back into her messes if you don’t let her.
If her laundry doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done. If her pets don’t get fed, then I’m sorry, they don’t get fed. Or you could report her to the SPCA for neglect. You’re letting yourself be emotionally blackmailed.
This a friend Ive known for years, she is related to my husband. We both have adopted children. Anyway, she is a Facebook friend whom I have confided in and she with me. Often.. That being said we live a few miles apart and I have mentioned getting together, and or with our kids. She never responds to my asking. But, I see her posts of all her other friends and outtings with their children. I did finally let her know how I felt, as I was feeling a bit used. She tells me and others how much she “loves” me ( as a friend ) but never wants to get together. Just wondering what you all think?
I think the reason is possibly do to one of my children, he has ADD and I think she thinks her children (natural ones) are better. Thanks-
She sound like my ex-friend. Except my “friend” got the married guy to leave his wife who is in remission for cancer and also got him to buy her a house. You are right about people like them alway are fun and sincere to be with at first. They look for passive, non confrontational and people who put other people before themselves to be friends with. I got rid of “friend” by not answering her calls or email. She facebook me all the time and post alot of BS on her facebook account about me, but I simply don’t care. Which reminds me of what Redd Butler said to Scarlette O Hara at the very end of Gone with the wind “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” People like them reminds me of Scarlette cunning, manipulative.
i talked to my friend and sorda made plans with her but nothing official i said i would call to confirm but i didnt call her back until very late in the night n she didnt pick up . i was calling her to apologize n tell her wut had happen but she didnt answer so i called her the next day n she didnt pick up . i dont know wut else to do i feel bad for what happen
My needy friend constantly tells me “I have no one; I’m all alone in this world”. I finally thought of a response – “I’m not somebody?” and “so, if you have better friends or a man in your life, then you’ll have somebody?” I knew it would aggravate her. I’m at the dropping point right now and we just joined a singles group to get out and I was hoping she would meet other friends she could leech on to and I’m a little nervous that I’ll come off looking like a “B”. She is a bully, told me her personality type is “master manipulator”, she’s broke, can’t commit to a full time job (has worked temp for the 15 years off and on that we’ve been friends – I’ve alway was her friend again because lots of time went by and she would contact me when in crisis and I’m not someone who can turn someone away. Every time I would say to myself “I’m keeping this friendship at arms length but she always gets too needy and domineering). As someone said in an earlier post, when you first meet her, she’s engaging, fun, interested in what you have to say, then she turns the tables and it’s all about her and her problems. Granted she had a mother who was mentally unavailable and a horder and she was the caretaker up until her late 20′s. She’s almost 50 and can’t let it go and it’s one thing for the same tapes to replay in her mind, but she has to verbalize to me the same tapes over and over. I can’t get off the phone, “just one more thing” or calls back and goes into another thing. I try and say “you told me already or we talked about that already”. She is OCD about people. She had a crush on a guy she saw at the gym two years ago, finally after 6 months, she spoke with him; 2nd time she spoke to him, she asked him “are you married” and he said “yes” and she told him he had some nerve talking to her if he was married and told him “you’re all over the internet and so is your wife and step daughter” (and she swears to me that she was fine in saying that to him! – I told her she probably scared the crap out of him “oh, but I was nice, I was firm but I wasn’t mean to him” – yeah right). It’s a year and a half later and she still stalks him online and follows his tweets, etc. and is so totally obsessed with him. I told her a while ago, “don’t talk about him anymore, it makes me nauseas, it’s over”; she still thinks he’s hot, etc. and still brings him up in conversation. She let a temp job go and now she’s unemployed and is looking for a handout. I don’t have it. I have a job, a house, etc., but I have a son and expenses, etc. and if she loses her apt., I CANNOT have her move in. I hate to see anyone on the street, but that is going to be difficult for me. She berates me for what I have (its all in her tone) “at least you have family, you have this or that” (she has sisters but no relationship with them – wonder why?) and finally it dawned on me “she’s making me feel bad I have something”. I finally told her how I felt and she was taken aback. I told her she talks herself out of eveyrthing; she lets great job offers go, etc., excuses, excuses. She lost a lot of weight working out (one thing at least that she’s done to improve her life) however, no guy (except the hot married guy of course) is good enough for her. She said “I need to meet a guy, so I can get him to buy me a car” Well, all this b.s. is getting on my last nerve. She may have lost weight but she’s no beauty queen. People like her cling to people who are nice (everyone she was ever friends with is similar to my personality (nice, non confrontational) – but are they still friends with her – absolutely not). It goes against my grain to be mean and uncaring or disinterested. Do I sound angry and aggravated? I am!! I’m glad I have this place to vent with people who share my misery. I have to detach and don’t want to cause a scene in the singles group. I feel fake at this point and can’t even pretend to care at all anymore. Any suggestions?
People who are needy, troublemakers, pushy, bullies, seem to cling to nice people who hate confrontation. I’m speaking from experience. Someone once told me “only you can let yourself be intimidated”. Not always, but most times when you confront the bully, they back down. They don’t expect directness and brutal honesty from nice people like us. Even if it means being an actress for a little while and coming out of your comfort zone, say what you really feel and she’ll probably be dumbfounded. It’s not easy and it gets better as time goes on. Bullies always seem to have great memories that benefit the way they see things. If you’re free from her now, enjoy it; let it go and if you run into her and she confronts you, you can at least just say “I’ve been busy” You don’t have to answer to anybody; your the boss of YOU. Believe I’m preaching to myself at the same time. I’m on the site because I have a friend just like her and it’s making me physically ill. I’ve finally have stepped away long enough to think about it and how to handle it. This site is great with advice and its so good that I’m not alone.
You need to say No now and then. You think you might be hurting her feelings but if you don’t say No your hurting yourself and then resentment sets in and you don’t want to be around her at all and then the friendship ends. Everyone needs a break from each other, being together every day can be a little smothering. I would politely tell her you are busy with other things and maybe you can get together some other day. It’s also good for her to have other friends besides you. If you feel sad or sorry for her that isn’t a reason to hang out with her all the time. You are not responsible for entertaining her:)
I have a friend who wants me to hang out with her every single day. At first, i thought it was fine and i feel a little sad for her. Now when she asks me im starting to feel angry and that she has nothing else to do, and i don’t want to hurt her feelings or anything or start a fight but does anyone have any suggestions on how i can find a balance before it blows up?
Since you have to work with this woman, I’d be civil to her on the job, but I would not spend time with her outside of work.
Do not, under any circumstances, share any personal, sensitive information about yourself with her.
Do not confide in her about anything, certainly not any negative views you have of your boss or other co-workers. This woman has revealed herself to be an untrustworthy person with horrible values.
This woman described her self as “a great person?” A great person does not engage in an affair with a married man, especially not one whose wife is recovering from fighting cancer, nor does a “great person” take advantage of people and use them as she does to you and others.
You can remain polite to this woman (only discuss work related issues with her when you need to) to keep the workplace situation smooth, but I would not be her friend any more.
This woman is not, nor has she every truly been, your friend. She was using you, just like she’s using the married guy she’s with now. Avoid her as much as possible.
Edit. “De-friending” this woman on Facebook might only set her off, so you might not want to do that, but you could at least try hiding certain information from her on your Facebook page/ profile, and hide her status updates from showing up on your main Facebook feed so you don’t have to see them.
Or, create a second, work-only (job related) Facebook account, invite her to friend you on that one, and then de-friend her from your personal Facebook page. Don’t let her see any of your personal information.
Thank you so much for your swift reply. ^_^ That what I intended to do, I guess I just need to hear is out loud from someone else. Thank You
If this friendship makes you feel the way you do then it’s time for her to go down the road. She sounds like she hasn’t grown up and she will USE whoever to get what she wants and say whatever to get what she wants. You don’t have to tell her anything she sounds like a know-it-all, she isn’t going to listen anyway….So just don’t hang out with her and start being to busy to deal with her. Let the friendship fade gradually and get moving on with your own life:)
I am trying to get out of a friendship that I made last. I met a middle age woman at my work place, she seem nice and caring, she will go out of her way to make anyone who first meet her like her. After a while she start to unload all her problems on to me, she constantly wants attention and will go out of her way to get what she wants she not afraid to shove or push shove anybody who is in her way. She is with a married man and they were cheating on his wife for a while before she made him leave his wife. He is still not divorce, his wife is in remission for cancer. She not working right now and is supported by this man. She constantly complain that she lost all her things when she moved out from a abuvise relationship and that she has no money to her name, how thrity she is. The truth she spent money there is no tomorrow, she will buy tons of stuff clothes, hand bag and jewellery etc. She constantly said she is so good with manageing money and hunting for bargains. But she won’t hesitate to buy anything she wants, she will make the the guy buy her stuff by pressuring him, she will cry or tell the guy what he bad things he did the other day and he should make up to her by buying her more stuff. She feel so self entitle all the time, she even recently made him buy her a house, she also think that it is her right to spend his money. She always wants me to tell her what she want to hear like the guy wife is a bitch, (by the way the wife is in remission for cancer) and that she is a great person, how good she is at something. I recently bought tickets to a show for her, because she always complain how tight money is and that guy of her won’t go to this show. When we went to the show she was infront of me she told me to move in because she want the aisle seat which have a better veiw, before she got the used of that guy car she used to made me go to the saloon with so that she could get her nails done and that alway takes a couple of hour. Once it was more than 3 hours, I sit there and do nothing. When I had a car problem I asked her for help since she bragged about how much she know about car and another acquaintance of my happened to be there and he happen to be a part-time mechanic she was more interested to talk to him about how much she know than actually helping me with my car, she notice how upset I was with her behavior. She keep saying see see I know a thing or two about car. Both of them was useless. I had to call AAA, it turn out my batteries had died and not what they said it was. I recently delibately did not take any of here calls so she post all sort of BS on facebook saying she always there for friends and no one is there for her, she even post something like friend are like underwear, some cover your ass, some break under pressure, some crawl up you butt. I mean this person is middle age, she sound like a teenager. She have grown uo children and grandchildren. I am really sick of this friendship but do not have the courage to tell her. I feel bullied and push around. I feel like a pussy.
ticked off at an idiot, I’m curious, how old is this needy friend of yours? And how old is her BF (boyfriend)?
Sometimes when people ask for advice, that’s only a rhetorical game they’re playing to cover what they’re really after.
These types of people don’t want advice, they only phrase it that way because they either want you to be their sounding board (to listen to them complain), or they want you to sympathize with their problems.
That is why they never actually follow any advice you give them.
You said,
He swore on his childs life that he would pay her back in full in exactly two weeks time. I knew he was lying and I told her he wasn’t gonna keep his promise. The last straw for me was when she gave him even MORE money on top of what he already owed her (1500 bucks) and asked me why I didn’t trust him. Low and behold, he didn’t keep his word and she was still defending his actions!
That scenario is so familiar to me. My mother played it out with my brother over a period of several years. My mother was codependent, though, and felt guilty turning down my brother’s repeated requests for money.
My brother would tell her sob stories (that were untrue, he would lie) about why he needed the money, and he would never pay her back.
Even after she figured out he was taking advantage of her, she would keep sending him money even though it made her feel angry, hurt, and resentful.
She felt it was her duty as a loving mother to assist her son who claimed to be going through a tough time.
I was in the same situation with an ex fiancé. I kept lending him money, he kept promising to repay me, and never did.
But, due to my upbringing by my sweet, codependent mother, I felt like nice, Christian girls have to give money to people in need, even if I knew they were lying to me and had no intention of repaying.
Finally, after several years of this (and several thousands of dollars), and due to other factors, I dumped the guy.
Your needy friend will probably reach a point where she gets fed up with her lying weasel of a dead beet boyfriend like I did with mine and dump him.
She sounds incredibly insecure, which is probably why she keeps coming to you – she does not have faith in her own decision making capabilities.
To be honest, I think everyones comments are helpful in at least one way or another. Sadly, I too have a very needy best friend. Her and I grew up together and I value our friendship, but I’m starting to get really mad at her all the time. She asks me for advice every damn day about the same things and half the time I’m like “umm, I answered this question like five times!”. All of our conversations are about this guy who she is really obsessed with. Always asking me if I think this guy really likes her and how to interpet his texts he sends to her. I kid you not, sometimes I think she is just plain psycho. She acts like a middle school student because she asks me the dumbest crap. Whenever I give her advice, she expects me to tell her what she wants to hear and that’s not the kind of person who sugar coats things just to spare someones feelings. Just recently she let that guy slide on a huge promise he made to her (he borrowed 500 bucks from her cuz he couldn’t pay his bills or take care of his child. He was facing eviction). He swore on his childs life that he would pay her back in full in exactly two weeks time. I knew he was lying and I told her he wasn’t gonna keep his promise. The last straw for me was when she gave him even MORE money on top of what he already owed her (1500 bucks) and asked me why I didn’t trust him. Low and behold, he didn’t keep his word and she was still defending his actions! She had the nerve to say “yeah I KNOW he broke his promise, but I KNOW he will pay me back little by little.” I was like “oh my god, that’s not the point!!!!”. I ultimately cut off all ties with her because I couldn’t take her constant neediness for my advice that she NEVER takes. Was I too harsh with her? Why does she even ask me for any advice at all if she knows she is going to do the opposite in the first place anyway? She just annoys the hell out of me. I can’t take it anymore! She still won’t leave me alone though.
That will show him, you don’t have the guts to tell him the truth. Just shut him down and laugh at his reaction. Hopefully he will eventually get over you and realize there are friends who will tell him the truth.
I have reason to believe that this particular “friend” is obsessed with me. Also happens to be a male so there you go. He is suddenly trying to be very friendly and chummy with a girl I hang out with a lot and his conversations with her often involve me. Because he brings it up. He made my boyfriend uncomfortable so I just kind of kept my distance. Now he tells this girlfriend of mine that “we’re not talking right now”. He really makes it sound as if we broke up or something! He recently texted me and brought up the fact that I never responded to his offer of making me breakfast for my birthday. At my house. Or his. Uh, no thank you. Thats some boyfriendy stuff. It made me feel awkward. Then he asked if maybe I had noticed that he hadnt been talking to me?? And that he decided he was no longer going to waste time and energy on people who didnt value his friendship. At this point, Im sick of his dependency on having someone with him all the time. He is much older than me but sounds like a ten year old girl. His last text to me was “its okay though. You dont have to be my friend” Needless to say, I didnt respond because at that point, I was done talking to someone who clearly had some issues. I blocked him from being able to view my social networking profile. Lets see how crazy this makes him.
There is one good “professional” reasons for not having her in your class
As an instructor you can say that you need to be objective when teaching people and that your history as former friends prevents you from being objective about her, therefore you doubt she will get as good a learning experience as she would from an instructor who doesn’t know her.
You have to be careful with this because if she gets annoyed with you again she could make things bad for your other students. Better to nip it in the bud now than when things get bad later on. She should see the point that it’s better to learn from somebody else.
Julie,
Thanks for flagging the seriousness of this post. I agree that "Jen" needs more help than can be provided by a friend. Crystal, I don’t think you’ve mentioned what role Jen’s husband is playing in taking care of his wife and child. He needs to make sure his wife gets help from a mental health professional. If there is no one you or he can call upon for help, contact a suicide hotline in her community. As Julie suggests, this is potentially a dangerous situation for both the mother and child.
My best,
Irene
You could come back to HER and say, “And friends don’t dump all their sadness on their other friends like they’re a trash heap. Friends share good times, too. I am not your therapist. I will start hanging up if I don’t get some good things to share from you, too. Please make an appointment for a therapist. I am not your therapist.”
You might have to repeat the “I am NOT YOUR THERAPIST” several times before it gets through to her.
Figure out how much money you owe her, and pay her back. Give it all back as soon as possible. Then, stop going over to her house, stop taking her calls. She doesn’t sound like a friend: she sounds like someone (through *your own* description) who is an emotional and time vampire. What is she doing to make you scared of her?
When someone threatens suicide, even “for fun”, it’s NOT a “for fun” threat. They should always be taken seriously. The next time she threatens suicide, notify the police. It might seem like a drastic measure, but if you go that route, several things can happen:
She WILL be put in a psych ward for a 72 hour evaluation. She has a baby, the baby IS in danger.
If she’s determined NOT to be suicidal *at that time* she will be released, but she will be in the system and more closely watched should anything happen to her son.
She is clearly mentally ill, or could have a border personality disorder. I think she could be dangerous to her son-if she can’t control through her own illnesses, and get attention that way, she is more likely to use her son in that way. She *needs a psych evaluation*. If your nephew by marriage doesn’t see that she needs serious help, and that his son needs protection, he needs a knock on the head.
Please start writing down every time she does something/says something, date it, and report her if she threatens suicide again. Call a suicide hotline in your area and talk to them and ask them about it.
This is less of a friend issue than a mental health issue.
I have cut ties with my past friend. She is very needy and gets angry easily (her moods are a constant pendulum swing, she’s angry at you if she’s hungry or tired…). A year ago I started a serious relationship and stopped seeing her as much and stop going out of my way for her. This upset her and she shut me out for a period of time. When I did see her she treated me badly and snapped. When I confronted her she told me we weren’t friends anymore and I’ve accepted it (It was sort of a relief).
We have the same circle of friends, I see her time to time. I don’t speak to her (she did the same to me) and now she’s upset because I don’t acknowledge her. Is this the right thing to do? Recently she came to my martial arts class (I’m the instructor of the time slot) expecting me to accept her and train her (I wasn’t too happy). I don’t want to be superficial with her but she pretends like nothing is wrong and puts on a show for the rest of our friends.
Wow…..sounds like she has a lot of issues but some how she manages to get through life. If it is affecting you and your family it’s time to back way off and not be available. I wouldn’t say anything to her I would change my behavior first by not answering the phone and only taking her son when you want to…..sounds to me she uses the suicide card quite often. I also wouldn’t let her use her son as a way of getting you to do what she wants….If she isn’t going to let you see your godson then there isn’t much you can do. I wouldn’t let her have that much power over you. You know how she is and she isn’t going to change unless she wants to so I think I would let it all go in one ear and out the other….that’s just her. I would make up some excuse why you are not so available, like you are taking care of yours and your husbands needs, or your just busy. She was a teacher so she does have some skills and if she needs professional help she is going to have to be the one to seek it ….As long as her child isn’t in danger there isn’t much you can do except distance yourself…You might be family but she has a right to live her life as she see’s fit and you have a right not to be around it….She can tell her stories to someone who wants to listen:) Hang in there!!
I must admit, reading these posts offered me a great deal of relief, and I could have written many of them myself. It is reassuring to know that others suffer as I do. I am at my wit’s end and just don’t know how to tread. I am 35 years old. “Jen” is 29 and my husband’s nephew’s wife (our niece by marriage). My husband and I don’t have kids- I have severe endometriosis and have had several miscarriages so we were thrilled when she and her husband asked us to be godparents of their son born in April of 2010. I could kick myself because I saw so many red flags- she supposedly had hyperemesis (extreme morning sickness) all through her pregnancy, but I never once saw her be sick. She was at the ER over 20 times during her pregnancy for supposed vomiting. She did have a rough labor and nearly bled out during an emergency c-section. She suffered from severe post partum depression and I spend most of the first 6 weeks of my godson’s life taking care of him. She allegedly attempted suicide last August, but there were no medications found in her system. She has no friends. She calls me upwards of 7-8 times a day. She refuses counseling saying ‘it does not help’. I’m pretty sure she is non compliant with her meds according to her she was diagnosed with bipolar last year, but she really does not seem to have the markers for that. She has alienated everyone on my husband’s side of the family, including the grandparents. My husband and I are the only ones she talks to. She uses her son as a pawn. I go to school and I babysat the child- for free. Last time I stood up to her is when she attempted ‘suicide’. Adding to that, she is also a hyperchondriac- in the last month alone, she has had- a wisdom tooth coming in (but stopped mentioning it after 2 days), she has been to the ER because she thought she was having a heart attack, another time a stroke, and her latest? I bought some crab meat at the store the other day. When I got home I noticed it had expired three weeks before, so I took it back. I told her this and used my trip to the store as an excuse to get off of the phone with her. THE VERY NEXT DAY she calls to see if I would watch the baby because she has food poisining because she ate a salad that was expired. I did not answer and did not return her call. I used to believe her, but I don’t anymore. In addition, she also leads people to believe that there are all kinds of things wrong with her son- severe GERD, Milk allergy, Red Dye allergy, note ALLERGY not sensitivity. She claims that he broke into a rash and had an asthma attack after eating it. BUT, his father and myself have fed him milk products and red dyed foods with no complications on numerous occasions. She is uninsured, had a great job teaching but all but got fired because she missed so much work. She cashed out her retirement and claims poverty and goes to the doctor all of the time, in addition to her ER visits. It is something every day with her. I know that if this were not family, I would have already cut her loose, but, I know if I stand up to her she will not let us see our godson, and I’m fairly certain she would use another suicide ploy. I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for reading this, I just mostly needed to vent, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. The stress is bleeding over to my life. I am generally a very happy person, but lately I have been negative and moody and it is affecting my marriage, and something has to give. I want to let her down easy, but from what I’ve researched you have to be blunt with these people, and in my non professional opinion she has many more mental problems than her chronic neediness.
I have a friend we have been friends for about a year now. I recently moved up to austin and she helped me out and everything at first. I really do apreciate everything she has done for me but it feels like i am really seening her for the first time.So far she has lent me money to help me out with my car but after helping me out for the last time with my car she sat downed and talked to me and told me she felt like she was being used just for money she informed that she thinks the only reason i called at all then was to ask for money. But you see she called me back then everyday back then at least 7 times sometimes those calls were just to tell me she was bored at work and those calls would last at least 15 minutes and then the other calls were her asking me to come up to where we work at on my day offs and just spend empty hours spending time with her while she works. And know she is complaining that i don’t call her now to talk to her or ask her how she is. The reason I don’t do that is she calls me at least 3 to 4 times a day telling how she feels or what she is doing. Also know she is trying to get me to borrow money from her but the problem with that is when ever we have our “TALKS” she brings up the past of when she has loan me money. Also lately during our last TALK she told me I was making her feel worthless and secondhand all because i have lately been changing my mind about spending time with her. The only reason that i have been changing my mind lately is becuase when I have said im going to spend time with is when i feeling okay but after work i feel exhausted so I call her or text and tell her i changed my mind.Also she just admitted that she has been making me mad on purpose so i can supposedly tell her the truth. And I am feeling suffocated becuase i litterally am either at her place taking care of her puppy, at work, or i’m spending time with her even though i should be home. I have food that has spoiled becuase of how much time i have spent at her place. I am also becoming scared of her. I have also repeatedly told her that i need some space and she has reapeatedly told me i don’t understand that. She also wants to talk about the same subject over again because she doesn’t believe me.
So what should i do cause i am at my breaking point with her?
Toby~
Your a good friend who help out when a friend needed them which is what friendship is all about. If you find that the friendship is one sided then you need to back off and not do as much. Not all friendships are equal and if you are feeling unappreciated then you need to step back and do less. It probably eats you up because you feel guilty for not wanting to do as much as you have and feeling that it’s not a two way street. I wouldn’t bring it up with him. I would just back off and if he notices and says something then maybe I would go lightly and tell him how you feel. If you are feeling uncomfortable then it’s probably not just you or it’s a sign that something isn’t right. You probably should put more energy into yourself. People who give a lot usually put themselves last maybe it’s your turn to treat yourself as nice as you’ve treated others. Hope this helps!!
I have been one of these people and to a certain degree i still am. I can make a friendship very quickly, and if i get on well with them i will give anything and everything to that relationship. Nothing is too much trouble for me. However i recently befriended this person, who has some family health problems which are very serious, i helped him through it each day, was a real friend, moral support and a shoulder if it was needed. I cannot explain how much time and effort i put into this. The thing is i see it now as very one way, and it frustrates me that this person does not put in the effort that i do. I dont give to get, i do things from the goodness of my heart. The normal response to me i expect would be, ease back, if this person is a friend they will come to you…but this person is not bad or selfish. If anyhting i set my expectations to high, but dont want to bring the subject up because i believe they have enough issues on their plate to worry about…meantime it gets me all ate up, i hope it doesnt turn me bitter! Do you think it is me because i do not feel as needed as i was before? It sometimes makes me feel unappreciated but then i think i am over reacting….i dont want to come across as needy or controlling…what to do…what to do
I’ve had a needy friend too… i knew her for a year or so, and she let on that she was suffering from a myriad of mental disorders/had a bad past/etc…. and she would often come to me with her problems. I tried to help her at 1st, but it became too emotionally draining for me… in addition to that, she would often make fun of me in front of other people, as if putting me down will make her feel better. Her behaviour seriously scared me sometimes. Eventually I distanced myself from her… and now I’m the one suffering because I’m plagued with guilt everyday because of her… I’m really scared that our paths will cross again sometime in the future and she’ll say to me ‘why didn’t you keep in touch?’ And I wouldn’t know what to say. Obviously I can’t just say ‘because I didn’t want to’. I’m just really sick of thinking about this over and over… it’s really starting to affect me and I just don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. =( Help?
MY NAME IS …and -i am a friend of a needy clinging person and everything that has already been posted – have experienced. – am tired and getting too old to deal with a supposed “adult” who – want to tell to grow up geesh! (he sulking if – have to end a call and then her saying are you mad at me? 6or what – ask? 4he calls me evryday to “vent”. the straw was her telling me how horrible miserable deplorable her life was blah blah blah never mind i received some disappointing news I HAVE HAD ENUF
I have a friend who is very dependent on me. She is always asking me for favors and calls me just about everyday. Also she is married and I don’t understand why a married women would be so dependent on her friend. When she calls me and wants me to go somewhere with her and I say no she gets very mad at me. Sometimes she will call and invite me and
my boyfriend to go out with her and her husband. Sometimes my boyfriend works long hours and doesn’t feel like going out.
She will then make a comment and say “well if he doesn’t want
to go out with us then you should just go with us without him”. If I tell her that I don’t feel like going out then she will make
a comment that my boyfriend “controls” me and will start picking a fight with me. First of all my boyfriend does not control me and gives me my freedom and comments like that make me very angry. She has made that comment several times and it has caused a fight. She would also say mean things to me like I am annoying (which I don’t consider myself an annoying person) and is very controlling with me. Ever since I have been with my boyfriend she has been going around asking people we
know questions about us. She complains to my other friends that I don’t come around to visit her anymore and that I am just “using her”. The truth is I am trying to keep my distance from this girl. She also does not like to be
by herself and always has to have someone with her even
though she has 2 teenage kids. There have been times
when she would beg me to spend the night at her house
when her husband would go on business trips or if he would go somewhere with his friends. She has a good marriage and her husband spends alot of time with her
so I don’t understand why this girl is so attached to me. I could go on and on but she always calls me when she wants something. This friendship is truly exhausting me!
We’ve been friends forever. We’ve been though everything together. Deaths of parents, births of our children, marriages, divorces, good times and bad times. I’m grateful for my precious friend. But she wears me out! At this time in my life I do not have a lot of energy to give. I’m battling health issues. She is too. And she is in the process of another divorce. She calls me and won’t let me off of the phone when I say I need to go. Once we hang up she’ll call me right back because she forgot to tell me something after being on the phone for an hour already. She’s financially needy, emotionally needy, physically needy. I do what I can do. Her family either won’t or can’t help her. Her father calls me and thanks me for being such a good friend to her because he is aged and not able to help her financially. He is miles away from her. She makes one bad decision after another and won’t heed advice. She makes excuses for all her failures. She dotes on herself then doesn’t have the money to buy gas etc. I don’t know how to be straight-forward with her because she is also “the punisher”. If you go against her you meet her wrath. She is silver tongued. She will throw up things from the past. She will not let you live anything down. Why am I still friends with her? Because there is something there that is good. There are times when I need her. She is like a sister more than a friend. We are different in many ways but there are a lot of things we share that are immeasurable. I love her humor. She makes me laugh like no one else. She is a trooper. She has strength to pick herself up and dust herself off although she may grumble and need a feather duster from me. She’s a good listener. When I need a shoulder to cry on, I go to her. My husband has never been able to be that kind of person for me. So, in exchange for all the hard times, I get some really good ones. I guess it’s all a matter of what you feel is the best for you. I know when the bad times come for me, she’ll be there. I love her dearly.
LOL i love this comment, i wanna be u, cuz i have needy friends!! they dont like to be alone, think its the worst thing in the world to be alone and are completely mystified that id rather be by myself than constantly hanging out.and thats all i wanna do is do stuff by myself because i get annoyed if i cant get my me time, so i end up having to disappear for a while and turn off my phone or they will show up at my door unannounced and call me until i answer…….AAAAAAAAAAAAH
I would imagine that your friend DID see you leaving her as proof that her fears of abandonment are reasonable. It may have been lessened (or more understood by her) if you didn’t just walk away and never call again. If you had begun having talks to her (towards the end) that you cared for her, however her needs were so great that you were unable to meet them all, then I think she likely got thru this difficult loss much easier. Perhaps slowly letting her know through casual conversations that your social circle is expanding, and encouraging her to do the same would have helped. I agree with Dr. Irene that you are free to leave a friendship at any time for whatever reason you have. However, as a decent, caring person who knows she is about to cause significant pain for someone she once cared deeply about, I would expect one to handle this in a way that is least injurious (i.e. not disappearing on someone). I can’t imagine ever just disappearing on a BFF, as that shows them that they are nothing to you. And if your BFF thinks you’re nothing, it can make you question your own self-worth. Hopefully most people who get treated this way by their former BFF’s have a healthy enough sense of self that they walk away from the relationship knowing that it’s their friend who is the one with a poor character, not them.
You are my Soul mate!! just kidding but wow I swore you were writing about my situation!! Basically have the same situation with a best friend of mine, and have known her for about 16 years, and all the time she tells me hot fat and ugly she is and the one guy she likes doesnt like her and no one ever will (just like you) anyway rather than go into detail about the situation because its pretty much identical to yours, I have to ask what you finally did? Right now I limited the amount of phone calls I take from her and just kind of keep the conversation away from her negative thoughts or not justify any self deprication with any comments. Also though just like you I feel guilty about totally ending a long friendship as my friend does have some good friendship qualities.
Did your friend get jealous of other friends of yours? or when you did things with other people and not invite her?
That happens a lot with me!
Anyway good luck with only positivity in your life!
Irene thank you for responding to me. That is exactly what I said to her, she needed to get help ASAP! I am not qualified to help her, I am just me!! I feel really bad about this, i would never ever want anything to happen to her in all honesty. I can’t deal with all of this pressure from this huge responsibilty she has placed on my shoulders. I am praying that she seeks medical attention. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words to me.
Thank you for your quick response! In regards to me telling her that I don’t want to hear such words from her I have, and she continues to say such things. Her come back is, “I thought I could share such sadness with you as we are friends”! I feel totally guilted out here, if I don’t talk to her, then there is this possibilty that she could harm herself, and I would never be able to forgive myself. You are right when you say friends are to bring us joy, I just wish she understood what she is doing to me, I feel smothered in this, I feel like I am the soul giver to her happiness!!
This friend sounds very depressed and needs more help than she can receive from an online friend. Please tell her that it is important that she speak to a mental health professional. People who threaten suicide are at high risk for committing the act.
You may want to read these prior posts:
http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/tags/suicide
http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/tags/threaten-suicide
You need to be firm with her about this and make sure that you take care of yourself.
My best, Irene
This friend sounds very depressed and needs more help than she can receive from an online friend. Please tell her that it is important that she speak to a mental health professional. People who threaten suicide are at high risk for committing the act.
You may want to read these prior posts:
http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/tags/suicide
http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/tags/threaten-suicide
You need to be firm with her about this and make sure that you take care of yourself.
My best, Irene
She needs help and you were right in suggesting it. You are just on- line friends, not to say they are not important but you really don’t know her enough to know if she does this kind of thing to hold onto people. Friends are suppose to bring joy into your life not bring you down. Life is short and you are not responsible for her mental state. I would tell her I don’t want to hear that kind of talk again and if I hear it again our friendship will be over. I personally think you could find a better friend. Just my 2 cents!! Good luck!!
I have this friend that I met on a blog site two years ago. We started to exchange emails with each other and then to chat with each other. I feel like if I don’t chat with this person on a daily basis for hours I am doomed, doomed for the sadness she will express to me. For example, oh I have missed you so much, can you please stay and talk to me, all the ways to if you dont talk to me I feel like I will kill myself. Just last week I went on line and decided to say hi to her, now please keep in mind I haven’t talked to her in a few days, because I was sick with a virus and exhausted when I would get home from work. So when I said hi, and we exchanged our, how are you’s then it happened, she told me how sad she is and how she wants to kill herself, she didnot come out and say this because of me this time, but the moment she said it, i shut her down with please go and see a doctor. She didnt like my words, she said in not so many words I was being insensitive. This is not the first time she has talked about killing herself, I can’t take it anymore, it really bothers me to the point of me walking away. She is never happy, it drains me terribly, and I feel bad saying such words, but it is the truth. Imagine her saying to me if I stop talking to her she will just kill her self. Someone please give me some advise, Im at a loss for words for her!
I’m so glad I came across this site. I’ve been having issues with a friend for quite some time now, but really don’t know how to handle it anymore. We’ve been friends since elementary school, but spent most of our friendship away from each other since we both move a lot. We hardly see each other, so when we have the opportunity, I want and try to make sure that our reunion is a happy one, which usually means trying to ignore her negative remarks.
It seems like every 2 weeks at the most, she would say something to just burn my core. She actually got mad at me at one point because I didn’t agree with her opinion, which by the way, she literally asked for. She replied with an insult saying she thought I was more ambitious than that. I usually keep things to myself, but this time I spoke my mind. I still kept it clean but straight to the point. She then convinced herself that everything was my fault & I’m being mean & blunt.
Another time, she actually had the nerve to ask me to ask my live-in boyfriend if he could sleep at his parents’ house since she was sleeping over. I told her that it’s not happening. It’s his house too & I’m not about to ask this man to leave his own house. She brought this up on an argument a few weeks later saying she doesn’t understand the big deal because she would do that for me.
My boyfriend proposed to me recently & had invited some of our close friends to witness the event. Keep in mind that this girl lives a few states away. She actually said she’s upset that he didn’t wait for her to come & visit a few weeks later to propose, & why he didn’t call her to tell her he was proposing. Hellllllloooooooo… this is not about you! When I started telling her why she shouldn’t be upset, she cuts me off & says she’s not upset & that she was just kidding. But then a few days later, she brings it up again. She also seems like she’s jealous of my other girlfriends, who by the way are really nice to her. Everytime I bring up one friend in particular, it seems like she’s always competing & say something to make herself seem better.
These are just a few things I’ve dealt with in the past 17 years. I’ve talked to her over & over again about our issues, but nothing seems to change. She turns things around on me when we get into an argument. Some people tell me it’s time to let go, but we’ve been friends for far too long & been through so much. I don’t see myself letting our friendship go. I want to work on it, but it’s very difficult when the other person says they’ll work on it as well, but don’t really do anything. I’d like to have an outsider’s point of view or advice. Maybe you can shed some light. Thank you.
Dear Anonymous,
I hope this prayer helps for your needy friend. Being needy is not about you. It is about the other person and you are right. There is something that she has not gotten somewhere that has caused her to be so needy. She is out of balance in one area and needs balance. I hope you can work it out and talk to her about your concerns. If you have to end it respect her and let her know you care for her and want her to be able to have great friends in her life.
God I come before You in faith that You grant me whatever is good for me. You know me better than I know myself.
Bring Your healing love into every corner of my heart and release all the buried negative emotions inside that have not been resovled and continue to cause me anguish. Remove all unhealed hurts that block Youyr graces.
Help me to stop being needy and depend on You. Help me to forgive those who have hurt me and to be forgiven by those who I have hurt. I am sorry for my mistakes, but help me realize the blessings that have come from these mistakes and help me to stop being needy.
Amen.
I have been friends with a girl for 14 years and she is always calling me asking me togo to her house and feed her animas, start her laundry, or clean her house because she is ‘too busy’ clothes shopping or going to a movie with her other friend. I will feed the animals because if I don’t they won’t get fed. She started up this girls night every Friday a couple years ago and if I don’t text her back to confirm I am going she will send 50 more texts saying that I don’t love her and she is just an ugly fat loser, if i still don’t respond she will alternate calling my cell and house phone until i answer. She met a guy and I was so happy for her but then she started smothering him and he quit texting and calling her to get some space but all she did was bombard him with text after text telling him she loved him and wanted to see him so he cut off all ties with her. And so our cycle continued until she met another guy for which again I was happy to free from her grasp. she had been talking to him for two days when she started calling him her boyfriend and told him she loved him and couldn’t live without him he didn’t text her for 3 hours and she sent him text after text after text asking why he wasn’t texting her and is he ok. he finally texted back then stopped. She then sent him text after text asking him why he wasn’t talking to her and if he was ok and that she loves him….this went on for a day when she didn’t get an answer she sent him an e-mail…he didn’t respond. I told her to back off. she didn’t she now stalks his facebook page and looks for his car and motorcycle everywhere she goes. And so I have yet again been reeled back into her trap.
Needy friends who are toxic are harmful to your health. I know first hand. My ex-BFF was a very needy friend. The thing about it was that she had more than enough family and friend support that she didn’t need to be needy. She was needy because she was such a Drama Queen. Everything in her life was an Epic Drama and she was the leading lady. After a year and a half of constant drama, I developed a stress ulcer. (They do run in my family. My grandmother died from ulcer complications.) I threw up every single day. Only when the friendship ended did the daily sickness go away. The answer to my prayers was getting away from my drama queen BFF. I totally believe in helping friends out, but she was an abysmal mess. A black hole of need and drama. I ultimately couldn’t help her since she loved being that was because the drama gave her the attention she so desperately craves. All I can say is my stress ulcer hasn’t upset me since she’s been gone. Sometimes getting away from them is the only thing you can do to help yourself.
Wow, some of you are kinda of being judgemental and I feel sorry for your some of your friends, no one is perfect, we all come with problems and yes sometimes a person is too over emotional and expects too much and that is not ok, but you know sometimes all that person has to hear is that you find this draining and that you can not take it and that you wish them well but they need to seek treatment, all my life I been needy and alone, just in case anyone wanted to know here, I speak from experience.
Wow! That sounds incredibly draining! First, I’ve never heard the term “bunny boiler” but I’m guessing it’s referring to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Anyways, it sounds like your friend has a personality disorder…possibly borderline personality disorder. That disorder is characterized by someone with an intense fear of abandonment and will often do anything to avoid it. They are very needy and very hollow inside…low self esteem. Again, this is only a guess and even if she doesn’t have a full blown disorder she sounds like she has some personality disordered traits. Having a friend with a mood or personality disorder can be extremely draining. The best thing you can do is set some very clear boundaries with her so that she can’t manipulate and use you. I know it will be extremely difficult as she will probably guilt trip you or get angry at you but try really hard to know that you are doing what is GOOD for her….and more importantly for you. Continue to encourage her to get counseling. I feel for you as it seems like you are just trying to help. In the end you will need to take care of yourself first. Good luck!
It sounds like you are in a stressful situation. You have a long standing history with your friend and have a boyfriend who you care for. Your boyfriend tried to help your friend on his own accord and the result has driven a line between your relationship with the both of them. I agree that it wasn’t the best time for him to bring up old issues at your birthday however it sounds like there are some unresolved issues with him and her that need to be worked out separately from you.
My advice to you is that if you want to maintain both your relationship to your friend and to your boyfriend you will need to set up some boundaries with both of them. For example, you might tell both of them that you wont talk about their “work” issue with either of them. You can support your friend without putting down your boyfriend and vice versa. If they are unable to work out their issues maybe that means that you will need maintain separate relationships with each of them. I hope you are able to find some peace in this stressful situation.
I have a friend that I have known for 16 years. We were next door neighbors for years. We had a great relationship and did almost everything together (even when I had boyfriends In-between). There was one point where my tree was hanging over her yard and she told me I had to find a way to get it cut down or she would have to call the city. I was struggling financially but found a way to get it cut down. We continued to have a good relationship after that. I remember her telling me a story about a job she held for years and how the whole company turned against her and got her fired. She ended up suing the company. In 2004, I met my current boyfriend and moved in with him. We still got along fine. Her business ended up closing and she was hurting for money. My boyfriend felt sorry for her and got her a job at his workplace (on his own without my involvement) as a cleaning woman. She worked directly with my boyfriend on a daily basis. He was her boss. There were conflicts between them here and there about the quality of her work. He ended up asking his boss to move her to another location (which I was not too happy to hear). She stayed at the new location for almost a year and then got fired. I believe this was around 2007. I got a call on the 4th of July and she told my my boyfriend got her fired. We were visiting friends at their cottage and I cried all weekend and him and I got into a big fight. We managed to patch things up a while after that then her birthday came along. She told me she was going to a friend’s house and to meet her there. I told her I would need directions. She said she would call me the day of the party and let me know the time and address. I never heard from her until around 7 or 8 pm that evening. I tried to call her friend’s cell to catch up with her and got nothing but voice mail. My cousin was over and wanted to go with me. His back was hurting and I thought I would have to take him to the hospital. I couldn’t let her know that I was having problems because I couldn’t get a hold of her and the next day I saw her outside her house trying to explain what happened. She told me she couldn’t be friends with me anymore. I was hurt beyond belief. About almost a year after that, I kept running into her in the old neighborhood and we patched up our friendship. Back in September of 2010, my boyfriend hurt his back and has been bedridden ever since. I have been doing all the errunds and taking care of him. 2 days ago she came over for my birthday (I was so happy to see her). My boyfriend was laying on the couch and started up a conversation with her telling her it wasn’t his fault she lost her job and wanted to clear things up. I was in the other room preparing desert. By the time I came in the living room, I heard him tell her that he had to go behind her and clean what she missed. He mentioned that she came in late a lot of times and that he requested she work at another location. After he saw she was very upset, he apologized and told her he never meant to hurt her feelings. He told me she got upset and starting asking why things happened the way they did and that’s when I came in the room. She got up out of her chair, grabbed her coat and said she is never coming over again and hopes that I brake up with him. Mind you, he should have never brought this subject up. We had another guest over too and he ran out the door right after her. My whole party ended within a couple of minutes. I was devestated and cried for the rest of the night. Right now, I am frustrated with my boyfriend for stirring up old hurt feelings (between him and her) and I am frustrated because no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to keep peace. My friend wants to stay friends with me but will not step foot in our house. I told her she is always welcome here and that I was very sorry. She said it is not my fault and that I know she works hard. I truly believe she did work hard. I have seen her work at other places. I guess it wasn’t up to par for my boyfriend. I have been home most of the time caring for my boyfriend because he can’t hardly walk or do anything. It is hard to get out of the house. I want to see her again but don’t want to hear bad things about my boyfriend. Can this issue ever be resolved? I want everyone to get along. I don’t plan on leaving my boyfriend. He needs my help now more than ever and he has been there for me when I needed help the most. I love him dispite my frustration as I write this. He didn’t mean to hurt her intetionally. I am 47 years old, my boyfriend is 48 and she is single and around 59 years old. Any heartfelt advice would be truly appreciated.
Just to let you know that I posted a response to you here:
http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/blog/my-best-friend-exhausts-me
Hope its helpful. Best, Irene
i feel your pain a bit but i think she has a girl crush or other thing going on in her life just tell her happy things, for me i tend to be needly sometimes but hardly sinces my dad left me and the fear become real
I suspect that her neediness is driven by abandonment issues. Her father walked out on her and her mom when she was little. Perhaps this is the reason she clings to people, because she’s worried they’ll leave her too. If that’s the case, then I wonder if I made things worse. She may see my leaving as proof that her fears of abandonment are reasonable.
One thing about friendships is that they are voluntary relationships that can be ended by either friend when the relationship is no longer working. It sounds like one of the reasons this woman had no other friends or supports is because she burned people out as she did to you.
You helped her get a fresh start so it seems to me that you went above and beyond the call of duty. You can’t change her personality and you need to protect yourself.
You sound like a very caring person. Hope this helps you feel better.
Irene
People who are stuck—either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend—and feel unable to get out of it.
Up until recently, this described me. My friend was out of work, running out of money, and in danger of losing her home. I felt bad for her because I knew she had no family or friends to turn to for help. But over time, I grew to resent her for needing me. I was also angry at myself for getting involved in the first place, but I felt trapped. I knew that if I abandoned her, she would end up broke and homeless. Eventually, in large part due to me, she found a job, sold her house, and started over. I was relieved. I hoped that by becoming more independent, she would exhibit less neediness with me. That didn’t happen. In fact, she went on being the same person she’s always been.
So finally I reached my limit and decided enough was enough. I’m now on a break from this person. It’s too early to say whether it’ll be a permanent break. The hardest part for me is getting over the sadness and the guilt. I feel sad that I had to walk away and guilty that I wasn’t able to do more. Do you have any advice?
I have been best friends with this girl for 35 years. We are both now 42. She has always had self esteem issues and always thought she was fat and ugly and always seemed to thrive on the negative. She is a beautiful person and she has a beautiful soul but her negativity and drama seems to be overshadowing all of her good qualities. Last year, me and my boyfriend decided to move in together (just an FYI, she introduced us). Knowing from past experience that she would not be happy for me at all, she was the last person that I told and it turns out with good reason. When I told her, she said that she now lost her best friend, and I ruined everything because she is alone and has no one and now who is she going to move in with in the future to help pay bills and not be alone. She makes statements like my boyfriend is all I care about and I don’t talk to her anymore. Meanwhile, when I ask her to come over for dinner she tells me I’m doing it out of pity because I think she’s pathetic because she is not in a relationship. She has on more than one occasion tried to lay on me so that I can stroke her hair like a child to comfort her while she cries, literally cries that she is alone because she is fat and ugly (which she is neither) and that she misses her dog that she had to put down last year, and that she misses her boyfriend who treated her like garbage every second of the relationship. She tells me I’m not around anymore and that’s true in a way because I am trying very hard to bring positive things into my life and she drains all of my positive energy. Years ago, yeah, I might have joined in the pity party with her, but I’ve grown and I don’t want to be that person anymore. Just today she sent me an email saying that she knows all I care about is my boyfriend and it’s okay because she’s used to being alone and she knows she’s just unlovable and fat and ugly and no one will ever love or want her. How do I respond? I’m tired of trying to convince her that I do care for her, she’s like family to me. I don’t have the energy to constantly tell her she’s not fat and not ugly. She thinks my life is bliss because I am with someone. She has basically abandoned all of her friends who are with someone. I feel guilty because we have been so close for so many years and I want to help her but every time I try the tough love bit, she just won’t speak to me or she tells me I just don’t care about her anymore. Now she is out of work and the other day I mentioned I was going out with some friends from work. She was annoyed because how could I actually go out and do something while she was home alone and out of work. I know this post seems all over the place, it’s because there is years of situations that I could reference. I’m just exhausted and the thought of losing such a long time friendship is heartbreaking, but I cannot put everything I have worked on for my own self image and positive outlook at risk. I’m at a loss.
Almost a year ago, an old best friend from jr. high/high school found me on Facebook. At first I was very excited to hear from her and know how she was doing and catch up on each other’s lives. Not long into our renewed friendship did I discover some deep issues and dysfunction. She was in almost constant crisis, had court battles going on, both her children will just randomly disappear (one is 13, the other is 9), her parenting style is completely different from mine, but what really has made me rethink this friendship more than anything is the demands on my time she makes. At a time when I am taking care of my father who is ill, taking care of my family and trying to keep my wits about me, she calls day and night with drama and expects me to be able to hang on the phone for hours. It just overwhelmed me right after Christmas so I started avoiding some of her phone calls. This would upset her and then she would respond with guilt trips. Mind you I do talk to her, it just can’t be every day. I can not be what she needs me to be; her crisis management team. I do have a life and problems of my own, not that she would know that, because she’s so involved in her own misery it’s hard to notice much else. She is very unhappy and negative. I did finally tell her why I was a little distant, This did not go over well at all. She retaliated by deleting all of my pictures off her Facebook and deleting me from her relatives (which I am not anyway, she is the one that listed me as her sister in the first place). It just all seems so childish and I don’t really know what to do. I’m at the point where I’m not sure I even care enough to wait it out and see if she gets help and pulls her life together. That sounds terrible I know, but I’ve come too far in overcoming certain things in my life, I try to surround myself with positive happy people now. Not people wallowing in their own misery and quite content to stay that way. And while this has been a bit long, I’ve just scratched the surface on this, I omitted 95% of the drama and dysfunction that she has called me with over the last several months. So, I’m just stuck trying to decide whether I want to keep trying with her, or just let the friendship go and move on.
When reading this it felt like my own story with my very own “needy friend”. You have to create healthy boundaries. Do not be so available. Scale back your time and attention that you devote to her, otherwise you are enabling her to continue to harass you. And under no circumstances should a friend make you feel guilty. THAT is manipulation. I know it’s hard because you do care for your friend, but, we all choose our own reality. If hers is miserable then guess what, misery loves company. She will bring you down with her like the Titanic honey. Save yourself, because no one can fill her bottomless pit of need except HER.
Please see Ditched by a Best Friend. Hope this helps!
Best, Irene
I have a friend who is a work instructor. At first we met bc I took her work out class. Then we ended up hanging out together outside of class through a mutual friend. She really liked me and started asking me for plans to work out together in the evening. At first it was great bc i had a work out partner and she also liked to come over to smoke pot and cigarettes. She like to get away from her husband and kids and take a break. I am married and have no children. Well this went on for almost a year and then my husband started to get annoyed. He said she was just using me. Which I really didnt mind bc I was working out and she was motivating me to work out. But then my husband went through some financially difficulty that began to strain our marriage and so I started to be more distant from her as my husband didnt want her coming over. Id ask her to just go on walks sometimes but she would still come into the house etc. I told her that i was experiencing alot of personal issues and didnt feel like hanging out. For a weeks or two shed back off and then just start calling constantly. I tried to just make excuses up but she just didnt take the hint and continued to call me. Again I told her i didnt feel like being social with anyone and shed back off for a short time and then start up with calling again 4+ times a week! I hate having to make excuses up all of the time. I like friends who arent so needy and time consuming. If we could have plans like once a month id be cool with that but i know it wont be that way bc she gets one hour a night out her house and wants somewhere to hang. I dont want to live constantly knowing shes going to text or call!!!!
Hi
I came across this website when searching the internet for help with my needy friend. I have known her for more than 20 years and she has been an excellent friend to me in many ways, she’ll bend over backwards to help me even when I don’t ask her to, she showers my children and myself with gifts and texts me constantly. The only problem is all of the above comes at a price, she makes me feel really guilty if i don’t drop everything and come to see her every weekend – bearing in mind we live 70 miles apart! As i can’t afford the petrol for these trips I ask her if she wants to come to my house instead so she arrives friday evening and is still sitting on my sofa at 11pm on Sunday! My kids get fed up with her being at our house because she is always depressed, she hasn’t had a boyfriend for nearly 10 years and has been acussed of being a bunny boiler as she stalks her chosen man and tries to force them to go out with her! i have spent many hours on the phone trying to help her sort out her life but it always ends up the same, every photo there is of us together we look like a couple because she is kind of stuck to my side!
My ex husband couldn’t stand her coming and she didn’t like him either and she hasn’t liked any other man i been out with because it takes me away from her.
She has become very overweight in the past few years and being depressed she eats for comfort, I have tried to help her and encourage her to lose weight and I take her walking in the country to get exercsie and to cheer her up.
She guilt trips me into spending time with her and I dread telling her I can’t see her as she gives me the ‘oh well I guess I’ll just stay home this weekend on my own, no one ever comes to see me – only when they want something’
It’s got to the point where I dread speaking to her and it is impossible to get her to leave once she’s arrived and short of being rude I can’t get her to go home!
I don’t want to be a mean friend because I do care about her and she is lovely some of the time and a high maintenance bunny boiler the rest! she has no other friends as no one hangs around that long because she is so needy and depressed. Despite me trying to advise her on what to do differently and suggesting she has counselling to talk through her issues she has been the same for years!
Her mum is also the same so I guess thats where it has come from, I am now at the end of my tether with her and could really do with some advice. i feel so guilty when she gives me the pathetic look because I can’t entertain her all the time. I even have to make up a story of what I’m doing sometimes just to get a small piece of time to myself. i work full time and am a single parent so I don’t get any time to myself and end up feeling exhausted by the weekend then my friend turns up eats all my food and follows me round the house watching me do the housework, she even follows me into the toilet and watches me go to the loo!
Any advice would be appreciated.
I have a really good friend, but sometimes she can be desperate. She has days where she goes into depression because she cannot get a guy to notice her and thinks she’s fat and ugly and on the contrary she’s beautiful and I tell her that and send her text messages in the morning to make her smile, but she’s hard to please. I have started stepping back and even stopped talking to her at times when things get too hard to handle, but it’s difficult because she calls me constantly and leaves voicemails and she’s crying in them wanting me to talk to her.
Last night we had this conversation again and she felt depressed and envious of me because a guy had called me cute and usually I don’t tell her about these situations because she gets upset about them, but then she got mad at me from keeping them from her, you see we don’t live in the same area, and saying that she feels like she does not know what’s going on in my life, but I don’t tell her those things for a reason because she gets upset.
I also know that nothing can make her happy. She told me the only thing that can make her happy is that a guy actually likes her and that would make her truly happy, because it would make her feel special. One guy did compliment her, a friend of mine, but to her it didn’t count because he wasn’t somebody she could be with because they lived so far away.
What do I do? I have no idea how to help her…and I feel like giving up.
I’m not sure what to do with this one. I’ve had a great/best friend for about 6 1/2 years now. We were always depending on each other, hanging out practically every week.
She is in a fresh relationship, for about a year now. And I feel like she doesn’t want to hang out with me. She says that she wants to be selfish and focus on herself, but I see that she is hanging out with his friends and other people. So I see that as ok, she doesn’t want to hang out with me she is doing her own thing. But then when she text’s me or messages me, “I miss you, lets do the gym” it makes me not want to hang out with her.
I wasn’t really the selfish one at all! We leaned on each other. And when she was in different relationships she had a balance of when to hang out with friends/family and the men in her life. And I could care less if she has different plans or whichever. Were there for each other. So I don’t understand what happened?? Somehow this new guy has put a change in our friendship. And when I asked her why we don’t hang out anymore, or why she doesn’t really talk to me, she actually said that I had no self-esteem or confidence. I didn’t understand that because it wasn’t like we were hanging out on a weekly basis, I just wanted to go out to dinner or the mall whatever. Like take two hours of her life in a week. That was all. Just one day and I feel like that comment kinda made me not want to talk to her. I just remember her always saying that she did not like friends who were all about their guy and forget their friends. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I say talk to her as well, let her know you value the friendship but being married, etc., you dont have all of the time you would like for her, and that you are a better friend if you have your down time. U coudl even put it on yourself “I know u dont mean to”, but for some reason I am the type of person that feels smothred if people behave such and such…”
Right after the conversation make a point to call her within a week, or make plans so that she know she;s valued. Your checking in every so often and not making her be the pursuer all of the time will raise her self esteem and make her not so needy. Even just quick calls (u could even call when u know she wont pick up so u dont have to talk to her so long) to say u heard or saw something that made u think of her will make her feel connected even if u dont see her for a couple of weeks.
Another thing that can be helpful iwth neeedy friends if you are a busy person, is enrollilng them to help you. Some needy people dont have a self concept of being able to be the giver and if someone relates to them that way the friendship dynamics change. Maybe she could help you with a board project for example, or u could ask her to go shopping with you. then you are spending time with things u do anyway.
Just some ideas
I agree. You need to be with people who will appreciate you to heal from this experience. Continuing to reach out to someone who does not want it will only hurt you. Also he is a man and may never be able to give you the king of closeness you want in a friendship. Look for people who value the same closeness and intimacy in a friendship that you do.
I agree with you that this person has a lot of personal problems that need to be addressed. You may have to stop being friends with this person because it sounds you are not compatible. It is hard to be friends with someone who is always in trouble when you are not especially when the kind of trouble relates to making bad choices that put her in conflict with the law.
That being said remember there were qualities that you liked about her in the fist place that caused you to be friends with her in the first place. Try to put yourself in her position. If you had problems how would you handle it. The previous post said I am all for taking personal responsiblity but I am here to tell you as a Social Worker that change is very hard. Pray for her. You are not responsible for her change but you can be very sincere in wishing her well and wanting her life to get better.
Merry Christmas
I have been reading a lot of posts about needy friends and I have been in this position and it is frustrating. However, if everyone who comlains about being a needy friend can put themselves in this position they would understand why people do what they do. This person I was friends with had a lot of problems and sometimes problems can overwhelm us. It is not easy to change or overcome problems. You do not have to be the one to help them and if you chose to end the friendship fine but do not be mean and sincerely want them to get better.
Quote on Friendship
”The true friend is the one who’s coming
in the door while everyone else is going
out. Friends are the ones who love you
when you’re hard to love, stand by you
when it’s not the popular thing to do and
are there for you when you need it, even
if it means they don’t get anything back.”
I agree talk to her. Do not be so quick to drop the friendship.
Talk to your colleague. She may just try to make a friend. If this is not what you want fine but because she wants a friendship she is not a bad person.
Talk to her. Do not be so quick to drop the friendship.
I have been a needy friend and have lost friends because of this and have learned from this. I have sympathy for this person and can say that when people are needy it has nothing to nothing to do with you but them. Their neediness is usually a reaction to not having a lot of people in their lives or a hurt that needs resolving. Try seriously talking to your friend. It will not be easy but trust me having someone to understand you helps. You are not responsible for making changes in her life, she is. She will learn to branch, be more independent and do more things on her own.
My best friend (whom I love dearly, despite how frustrated this will sound) is very needy. Her husband owns his own business (a bar) and is at work all the time, leaving her alone every night with their two-year-old. I understand this is very hard on her, and I feel bad for her.
I have always been a bit of a loner- I never liked living with roommates in college because I desire a lot of alone time and most of my hobbies are things that I enjoy to do by myself. I am recently engaged and my fiance and I have similar habits- we both enjoy going out with friends, but usually only on the weekends. I teach school, and frankly, after days spent talking and negotiating with teenagers, relaxing at home is the only thing on my mind.
I have told my friend this many times- that I am more than happy to make plans for Friday-Sunday, but that during the week I am just not up to hanging out most of the time. I feel like our friendship has turned into a complete guilt trip. She continues to call me almost every day asking me to come over (I also can’t stand that she always initiates plans the DAY she wants to hang out- never ahead of time, which I always tell her works best for me). When I say no, her response (every time) is to say, “Well. I miss you” or “I’m sorry to bother you but I care about you”. I would understand this from friends that I don’t see/talk to often, but this is a person I see at least 2 times a week, and talk to on the phone regularly. I feel like she is trying to guilt me into coming over (note: I say coming over. She never comes to my house- she always wants me to come to her).
The most frustrating part, every single time that I do go over, she then ignores me for the entire time I’m there. I play with her son while she does other things (I understand this part totally- he’s a handful and I’m happy to help.). However, when he goes to bed, she then proceeds to play on the internet, read magazines/books, and generally not say a word to me while I watch whatever movie she has put in that we are supposed to watch “together”. When I try to make conversation, she won’t stop reading/surfing/whatever to respond to anything I say. To me this is not quality time!
I also feel like I constantly have to justify my decisions to her. My fiance and I decided that we will elope next summer with a very small group in attendance (my friend is invited). However, she does not understand why I would make this decision (I have explained multiple times) and keeps trying to talk me out of it. She does this with virtually anything I do- she doesn’t understand my independence.
I think the main problem is that she misses her husband being around (she didn’t used to be this needy), but I want to tell her that I’m not the person who can fill that void. I realize that this won’t sound like a major problem compared to some of the people on here, but it has affected my view of our friendship deeply- I feel guilt and frustration rather than happiness most of the time when we are together. What can I do to save this? She is definitely NOT someone that I want to cut out of my life, but I don’t know how to get my point across and have her understand the boundaries that I’m comfortable with.
This is quite long i hope you will read and understand how evil some people can be yet only you can see this nobody else your the 1st people I have spoken to about this nobody else knows my story, See I met my friend in college back in 2004 we got along great she was lovely bit mad but lovely i used to smoke and she didn’t so at lunch times i would say im going 4 a fag a min would u like to come with me and this is when i 1st noticed and regret not taking action sooner of not being her friend….yeah so i go 4 a smoke but she would be a bit demanding by saying no were having lunch 1st i just put it down to sunm1 being a bit rude sounds rather silly don’t it? i didn’t have a clue what i was letting my self in for anyway as time got on and on we became closer and closer …..at the time i was going out with a guy 4 2yrs and when that ended i was devastated it was horrible feeling ur 1st love so as time moved on me and her became closer and closer going out clubbing getting really drunk i was 19 at the time….it was great fun…..she had been in love with this guy who she wud do anything 4 when he treated her like shit smashed her car window in wen i was innit with her and she still worships the ground he walks on he wud mention in a txt that he needed a charger in general convo and she wud go and buy in lke 10 and take to his house just to see him he used to scream shout at her be really nasty to her call her ugly i mean pure evil……buh ye ne ways back in 2006 she was having trouble at home with her parents there lovley people but as being quite young you have parent trouble so 1 day they decided if she comes home late again they will take her car off her so she decided 1 day that she was going to leave home and take her car with her….she cudnt get her head around not having her car wen things with this guys shes been dealing with for 3 yrs she just left 1 day no money took all her stuff in room, didn’t tell her parent and left…..this was when it started she went to stay at a friends house near where we lived the thing is she disappeared and made her parent worried and put me in a very difficult position…..her parents kept coming to my house aksing where she was she made me swear on her lift i wudnt tell anybody where she was i had her mum crying t me 1 day and that was it i txt her saying u need to tel ur mum where u are im not lying any more….after that she moved back home family issues were sorted, although she kept bringing up about when she was homeless ‘ran away’ i must state!!!!!! she said didn’t have money to eat she was depressed nobody was there 4 her no friends just this guy that made me feel worthless because i cudnt have her staying with me coz her parent were always at my house and she told me not to tell……..looking back i agree i shudda told her parents where she was……yeas so time went on i knew she was down and always tried to be there 4 her but theres onyl so much u can b there 4 sum1 u cant be 24hs per day so shes wud txt if i said im busy with my mum today what about tomorrow id get a really horrid text back e.g U aint no effing mate r u none on my friends are here 4 me eva. that also put me down making me feel bad like i wasn’t doing my best for her i just let it ride…….i coudl never go out with any of my other friends alone or with her because she would be sucha a cow i remember one boxing nyt i went out wit a friend of mine to a local club i asked my best friend if she would like to come i knew she wouldn’t coz she spends time with family over xmas i thought id ask anyway 4 her not to feel left out…she diddnt want to come had a reply of ‘ are u mad u know i spend time with my fam over xmas r u mad have a good nyt’ a few days later i put pics on face book she comments ‘ who the fuck is this’ so as time wen on things go worse i cud never have my own space i always was there 4 her as much as a could but i wanted my own space she wud txt asking about town id reply i cant afford then i receiving another text saying i pay i said no shes make me feeel terribly guilty of not going id end up going and owning her money i didn’t want to be spending i had trouble wit 1 of my family member and they hit me i told her she always said my friends are never there 4 me when she 4gets the times i gone out wiv no money just coz shes depressed and wanted to kill herself the time she dropped me off after staying at a friend with no battery on my phone with my quilt and pillow in middle ov town no money coz i bort her drinks so she cud go see the guy she blamed me coz i ruined her summer by not going on holiday coz i promised her i lost my job back in may and had no income….when her guy was around she didn’t wan to know wlays said to me hes the only 1 who eben there 4 her that hurt after what I done 4 her she wud write nasty comment on my faceobok wall really horrible like id puit a pic up and shes say i iddnt know u had a cut on ur lip lol or make jokes about my cureent relationship i never once done any of this 2 her never back answered never was nasty just hoping it was just she was angry i started to make up excuses not 2 go out coz this 5 yr friendship was getting me really down i hated myself i belive i am a horrible person i dont know am i? i dont know its been drummed into me i am?……we broke friends a while back because she ignored my txt 4 a few week i joined facebook again but then i rececing txt from a member of her family saying im sly a liar a evil person im sick in the head saying i was a liar and how good she is 2 everybody and duz so much even said i never gvae her petrol money when we’ve gone places together when i have offered, turned all my friends against me she txt my dad saying im evil sick in the head and im a lair. shes made out 2 people ive destroyed her life and ive made her this way. ive even had the guy messaging me saying how horrible i am and i shud back off b4 summink happens to me nobody talk to me now i know what she is capable of……..this has made me so insure ov myself i dont know what to do anymore ive seen from sum1 elese her faceboko status cant wait till karkma hahahahah. that scares me coz i know what she is capable of its liek she has a spell and can make everybody believes her like her and hate me nobody knows the real her shes evil and dangerous person i hope this makes sense everybody….what shud i do i dont want to be friends with sum1 like tha especially trying to turn my own parent against me who duz that….can somebody give me advice coz i dont know if shes ryt by saying im sick nastty person was i crap mate? i dont know help? Shes last messaged me saying I hope u spend every living min ov ur lift thinking how sick in the head u are!!!!! Am I nasty? What to do?
Holy Cow you need out of this friendship ASAP. You sound truly kind and good to people but I feel the need to tell you, this is not her fault. I mean yes, she’s completely insecure, life draining, and selfish, but you let her do this to you. No one on this site can talk to that women so we can’t open her eyes, but we can open yours. Your husband is completely right. You’re enabling her. You’re allowing her to stay the way she is because you did nothing. If she were as thoughtful as you she’d given your things back, especially the 5 dollars from McDonalds. That shocked me. I know exactly what kind of person she is and being nice to her doesn’t help like it would most people. If you drop her and I mean make her realize no calls no texting no MONEY, no friendship, she won’t be loyal to you any more. Everything you’ve done for her will be meaningless in her eyes because you didn’t stay forever. I have a feeling you fear ending this because she physically might hurt you or your possessions but get the law involved, maybe even her parents depending on what the police say. Obiously this women seems nice but turns scary so I would definatly get the law involved. Fyi in case this has been resolved I hope others find this useful.
For more reasons than one, you need to set some boundaries on the friendship so it doesn’t blow up. You know you feel smothered and that you don’t want a romantic relationship with your friend but you still treasure the friendship. Isn’t this something you can articulate to your friend?
My best,
Irene
I stumbled across this site last night when I was reeling from yet another of my best friend’s guilt-tripping remarks. We’ve been friends for 10+ years, best friends for 5, and we’ve helped each other through a lot – we first started getting close because we’d both gone through difficult breakups just out of high school and most of our other friends had left the city. We continued to get increasingly close, culminating in an ill-advised romantic relationship 18 months ago, which I broke off after 4 weeks. My official reason for ending things was that I realized I didn’t love her romantically, but while that was true, she was also smothering me. I started work very early in the morning four days a week, but she still pressured me to spend the night with her and pouted if I didn’t; she also had a tendency to show up at my place uninvited when I really just wanted some time to myself. After we broke up, she went through a really hard time, and because we had been best friends before, she turned to me again. Just for the record, trying to support someone you just broke up with… hell. In the past year and a half things seemed to sort of get better, but my friend continued to expect the same level of commitment and intimacy that we’d had just before and during our romance. She’d IM and/or text or visit me daily, and then lay on the guilt if I didn’t respond fast enough. And because I was feeling smothered enough already, I didn’t initiate get-togethers (something I’d never been great at with friends, but had never bothered her before), and then she would complain about how she felt like she was the only one putting any effort into the relationship. This has continued for well over a year. There will be days, weeks, or months of peace (where we continue to talk and get together), and then out of the blue she’s complaining about my lack of effort again. I’m starting to hit my breaking point, but the truth is we’re really good friends in those peaceful times… and I don’t want to lose that.
Sometimes a ‘needy’ friend needs a good, hard friend to help them change. I posted above in response to a post. I had only ever been a ‘needy’ friend to one other person in my life & it was 5 years previous to my second friendship. It was the advice & understanding of this second good friend who had begun to help me change my outlook on life and then after only 3 months…she bailed on my friendship with her telling me it’s best we aren’t friends. Now I understand how I made her feel, but I was prepared to work with her support & guidance to be a good friend to her. Trouble was, she was never honest from the start. IT SUCKS so much…it took so much to trust her, so much to believe in everything she said to me & to help me believe in myself & just as it was sinking she bails & never gives me another chance to prove otherwise. Thus unbuilding & rebuilding back up the WALL around my HEART which I now am trying to fix on my own…and it’s tough-crying at night, wandering how I’ll trust again, I was honest, genuine & caring…and never asked for gifts or money or anything except the time she gave me but never let on was annoying her. IT SUCKS!
I have just experienced losing a friend whom I trusted a lot! So Is it possible to be a toxic friend…but only turning to a new friend because you feel like you have no one else to turn to in life…use their advice, decide you want to change yourself & make the efforts & then said friend decides “it’s best if you just aren’t friends anymore”…I have a work collegue who offered a listening ear when I had boy troubles. She is 10 years older than me but stated we could be firends outside of work. We talked on that occasion for 4 hours, she wouldn’t let me leaver her house, hugged me & kissed me on the forehead before I did. Now I am only 21…going through a depressing yet ‘lost’ part of life so I felt so nice to actually have a ‘friend’ who cared for me. I know & realise now we had only been friends for 3 months…and I burdened her with texts, emails etc. But she was there for me right up until she admitted she lied to my face to ‘please me’ and all I ever asked from her was the truth up front. Now I had always listened to her advice…over 3 months she had begun to INFLUENCE me greatly (and now I am at counselling, looking at life more postively)…I went to ring her to tell her I understood how crap of a friend I had been to her and all she said was “i think it’s best if we just aren’t friends anymore”…”and what I don’tn get is that you said you don’t talk to people you don’t know or even friends really about your own problems YET you didn’t know me. as much as I want to help you and support you, I have a family and I can’t and one day you will understand”…I rang her up so I could say I know we ‘friends don’t have to see each other every day, week, month or year like she always told me…& that I understand she has a life & I wanted to just go back to being friendly in passing with the odd catch up…Now I HURT so much & i feel like a really stink friend.
Do you think I should just forget about her like she has done with me…even though I know SHE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE & THE PERSON I AM! or should I maybe wait a year or so…live my life & write her a letter to see wheather my ‘change’ can persuede her to talk to me once again …hoping for a catch up but expecting nothing???
ARGH it hurts to know she was a GREAT friend to me…BUT I was a stink friend to her. Though I was 100% genuine when complimenting her amazing qualities…
She never gave me a chance to use her ‘honesty’ once she finally gave it to me…to prove I was just in a hole and needed some encouragement to move forward! I am aware of my behaviour but in her claims of “I never asked for any of it” …she did…by always offering to prompt me to ‘talk’, to share my dramas, by providing me with hugs & saying yeah i’ll be home on such and such a day…she was never honest like I asked her to be! Mixed messages with hugs, and smiles & kind words while little white lies went unnoticed! IT SUCKS because she now knows some things I’ll never tell anyone else…and I’ll never fully trust like this again! & iit feels like I have lost a part of me!!!
Sounds like you are losing your patience for good reason. Your friend sounds very self-centered. You either need to set clear boundaries or back off from the friendship.
My best,
Irene
You seem to have an understanding of the differences in values about friendship and sharing. If I had more time I would say more, but if you can get your needs met from others that he isn’t able to meet, maybe you wont feel such a lack from him. I know this might be hard to do because you feel the connection with “him”, not others that makes you want to share types of intimcay with him, so trying to get the needs met from others might not “do it for you” at first. But unfortunately he does not seem willing to change or account for your needs. However, I dont think you need to “end” the friendship, just give up the fruitless quest to have him be ways he is incapable of being. Peace!
I am having friend issues at the moment.
My friend pressures me to hang out with her when I say no or I have something else on. She says. Maybe you can come after or can’t you change your plans to hang out with us?
Even had the nerve to ask me to change a trip to Coff’s Harbour to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time so I could go to a horse race with her instead. Change the date of me moving house also to suit her.
When I do hang out with her. I am expected to spend the complete entire day with her and if it is a party spend the whole night there as well.
If I do leave on my own terms. I get guilt trips and put downs. Even had a temper tantrum or two thrown at me.
She does say I have the right to leave whenever I want when I brought it up one day but she doesn’t get that her trying to make me feel bad for wanting to leave is not good behaviour either.
If it is not that she is making negative comments about my relationship with my boyfriend and the way I live my life as well every now and then. It gets pretty annoying.
Friendship is like having two gallon drums equally filled with water. If one is drained below the line, the other should counter act it and help it level back evenly. When one is being constantly drained the friendship or relationship is “unbalanced”. This is when the warning bells should ring.
Relationships and friendship should be all about “give and take” ,”Yin and Yang”. Unfortunately many like to take and not replenish the stores because they can only see “their well’ being affected. Some have a habit of seeing others needs as more important by over helping, perhaps it makes you feel good because you are giving them more over your needs. Low self esteem? Try and look at why you are like this. Your needs are just as important.
Open your eye’s people – it is not easy to do because we don’t want to see or believe it is happening.
First, congratulations on your pregnancy! I remember how tired I was after work when I was pregnant. I couldn’t move from the couch many evenings.
You are absolutely right about telling your friend that even though you aren’t as busy as you once were, you need more time for yourself! That’s precisely why you made yourself less busy.
If your friend can’t understand or is unwilling to accept your decision, it will tell you something about her. You need to be firm about it because it’s your decision, not hers.
Do keep in mind that you feel a bit more irritable than usual so be sure to rehearse and say it as nicely as you can—both to avoid hurt feelings and also to leave the door open for a more distant friendship.
Hope this gives you the confidence to do what you need to do!
Best,
Irene
I recently found out I am pregnant for the first time.
I have been a very very busy person prior to finding out this news – on the board of many non-profits, have a personal trainer and am part of a public sports league, I work, and not to mention spending time with my husband and any other social obligations.
When I found out I was pregnant, I started to stop being so busy, for stress reasons and for the desire to get into a normal routine where I am eating healthier and working out on a regular schedule.
Well, I am exhausted after a full day of work and am really irritable due to the pregnancy.
I have a relatively new needy (only a year) friend who – every since I announced my pregnancy – has been trying to make plans with me every night when we already had plans scheduled for future day. I’m concerned about how to make boundaries with her, especially since I no longer am as busy as I was (because I want to take care of myself)
I know what I need to do is to just tell her that I need more time to myself, part of me is just nervous and feels like she will not understand. I’m frustrated about it just writing this post and sometimes wish we never became friends in the first place.
Hi,
This sounds like a sad and difficult situation. Ordinarily, I would suggest that you speak to your friend’s husband to see if he is aware of these problems and can have his wife evaluated. However, it sounds like he is behaving stangely as well.
Given the type of behavior you describe, I think you have no choice but to step back from the friendship—even though this may exacerbate this woman’s suspiciousness. If you feel like you need to explain yourself, you can just say that you have different styles and some of the things she discusses make you feel uncomfortable. The less detailed you can be, the better.
I particularly feel for her son, however. I hope that your children can continue to play with and be supportive of him, either at your home or on some neutral turf.
Clearly, this is a very tough situation but I’m not in a position to make a psychiatric diagnosis. Hope this helps.
Best,
Irene
There is a group of moms who all have sons the same age. We all met while our children were in day care.
One of our group has recently went, well…kinda wacko. She has it in her mind that one of the women in our group has been manipulating the rest of us to not like her. She keeps score on how many times this lady invites other children over. She thinks that this lady is doing this to punish her son. Her son even said to my boys once that his mom told him he’s at the bottom of the list. This all came to a head on a girls night out, this woman went home convinced that the rest of us talked about her and her son behind her back.
I was very skeptical about this woman from the get go. She made weird comments about me and another woman and her husband, things like how her husband wished he could put my legs, another woman’s breasts, and her butt together to make the perfect woman. She tried to show the group of women a pic of her husbands genitals while out for drinks one night (he had sent it to her cell). She also makes inappropriate comments, personal, specific details about her and her husbands sex life.
I have began backing away gradually and it has made things worse. Her husband is upset because it has seemed to ostrasize their family. Oh and her son is really possessive of the son from the mother she thinks is manipulative, and the paranoid woman’s son has bullied my sons.
This is long, and it really only covers the last couple years of my friendship of 10 years. She is 9 years younger than I. I’ve treated her like the younger sister I never had and I saw a lot of my mother in her. My mother never had a good friend, let alone any friends and got by on her looks for years. My mother was selfish and emotionally unavailable. She also married a man 14 years older because she was looking for a father figure. I always thought if I could help my friend she wouldn’t end up like my mother. My mother regrets many of her decisions and has had an unfulfilled life. I’d say I am a fixer type of person and more of a giver than a taker. When I see she needs something I will go out and get it for her. I have given her a lot of things to her to make her life easier or more comfortable. When she gained so much weight I actually bought her clothes since she was down to wearing sweats all the time and had no money. I strive to treat others as I would want to be treated and in saying that, I do expect to occationally get to pick where we are going to hang out or have a favor returned. She is constantly saying how giving she is and what a big heart she has. In a sense it is true. Like last winter her and I were out and she called up an old friend that was going through a divorce to see if she wanted to come and join us. The friend had her 3 year old boy with her and would only be staying for an hour or so. She said she had no money and my friend said not to worry that she’d pay her way. They get there and it’s late, but the girl has not fed her kid yet so she orders a kid meal. When she left the table my friend said she didn’t have enough to cover that meal and could I loan her $5. So I gave her the money. Then at the end of the night my friend still doesn’t have enough money to cover even her own bill. I ended up paying both our tabs and she still kept the $5 I’d given her earlier. Her friend had already left by that time and had no idea I’d paid for it all.
She used to be very pretty with a nice figure. She turned a lot of heads and could open doors with just her smile. But for the last 5 years she has steadily put weight on and is quite overweight. She is constantly asking me how she looks when we go out. How’s her make up, does she look fat, should she keep the jacket on or off, should she keep her hair up and go put it down, is her lip gloss still on. I am badgered into giving my oppinion. I cringe to think anyone around us hears these conversations. You’d think we were a couple or something. I’ve told her that I don’t constantly ask her how I look and wish she’d stop doing it. I know her mother was like mine and her parents divorced like mine did, when she was a baby. So I understand somewhat of what she had to deal with growing up. My childhood was horrible and I was depressed for years about my abusive upbringing and decided in my late 20′s to deal with it so I could move on and find happiness. It took me years, and I’v come a long way since then . I no longer take antidepressants or any meds for pain. I don’t think I’m a loaner, in fact, I love being social, but I do enjoy being alone and can entertain myself with many of my interrests. I have been encouraging her to seek help but she always has a reason why she can’t or won’t. I told her she could get free help since she doesn’t make much money. She seems to think the people at that place won’t help her since they are cheap. I really think it would help her to talk about her problems to someone else besides me. Whether they can help or not. I obviously cannot help, so what is the difference?
When she is in a pinch for money and her parents say no, she asks to borrow money from me. I lost track of the 10′s and 20′s I’ve given her. She says she will pay it back and only does 1/3 of the time. I’ve not loaned anymore than I can or am willing to loose. When she borrows things I always have to ask for it back or I will never see it again. She doesn’t take good care of her own possesions so I hesitate to loan her things unless she really needs them. Last winter she was freezing in her apartment so I loaned her a heater. This spring when she no longer needed it I told her I was stopping by to get it and she acted like she thought it was weird that I was making a trip to come get it. It’s really because she’s made comments on how if people don’t ask for the stuff she’s borrowed back she doesn’t give it back. Or if she loans things out, that she doesn’t demand them back and could care less if they keep them.
Last fall she decided to move to a cheaper apartment but took till the 19 of the month to get all her stuff out, and then complained that her land lord wanted another months rent. As it turned out, she actually owed him back rent prior to that and she never paid that either.
So since she waited to get all her stuff out so long and never made arrangments to borrow a truck, I had to have my husband come with his truck and help her. She’s used guilt to get me to help. She’s all alone and has no one to help her. I found out she paid another friend $50 for helping her move some stuff the weekend before.
Last winter she got sick and cried to me how her mom and dad didn’t care and how sick she was with no money for meds. I took her to the urgent care, then to Walmart to get the meds. I paid for them.
The next month she needed $40 because the YMCA withdrew her monthly fee and she didn’t have enough money in her account to cover it. To avoid an NSF fee I gave her the $40.
Then she got a flat tire at the grocery store and her dad wouldn’t come help her so she called me. I got my husband to go with me and change her tire.
Then her car died on her and I had to go get her. I loaned her $200 to buy a cheap car and then she decided she didn’t want it. So in order to get my money back I had to have my dad do me a favor and come tow it to his place and sell it for us. It didn’t sell quick enough and she wanted her money so dad said he’d just buy the car and then sell it. So I drove her to his house on a special trip because she needed the money that day.
She text me so much that I had to get an unlimited plan so I wouldn’t keep going over my 500 limit. She is constantly saying she is sick or doesn’t feel good, isn’t sleeping, or has a headache. She uses these excuses when she doesn’t want to do something last minute. She also cuts out of work early with these excuses.
She has been obsesses with almost every guy she has had a relationship with. Years after the relationship ends she is still clinging to it and talking about getting them back. We are talking hours and hours of hashing out their personalities, things they did together, all the stuff she did for them, and why the relationship ended. It’s never her fault. One week it’s the guy from 5 years ago, then the next week it’s the guy from the previous year. Then I find out she slept with they guy she put a restraining order on from 2 years ago. Then she took out a loan with a check cashing place for this guy for $500 and never paid it back. Just two weeks after getting back together, he cheated on her so she broke into his place and took her stuff back. The cops were involved because she busted down the door and she was charged with criminal damaging fined and is on probation for a year. This was actually the second time she’s broke into an ex’s home. She didn’t get caught for that one. Then another guy she keyed his truck and he didn’t press charges. Another guys she slit all the tires on his truck.
Then only a couple months later she got herself into trouble by posting on Craig’s list and was actually arrested for prostitution. Her car was towed and impounded. I had to take her first to court and then to pick up her car on two separate trips that wasted two hole days. She whined and guilted me into taking her and promised to make it up to me. She didn’t have the money for gas so I didn’t even ask and I bought her lunch both times.
She borrowed $20 from me 3 weeks ago and I told her she could help me with a project I wanted to do so we arranged for her to come over in the morning and we’d have coffee then get started. The next morning I texted her twice, then called. No answer. Luckily my father came over and helped me. She finally called a little after 1pm. I was irked and asked her why she didn’t text me back or answer my call that morning. She was all innocent and said she’d been busy out running errands and acted like we never had made those plans. Then asked if I wanted her to come over then. I told her no that I was almost finished.
A couple weeks ago her dad stood her up again and she was going on an on about how he’s never there for her and basically saying he should help her out more. I’ve heard over and over how her mom and step dad are rich and give thousands to poor kids over seas but can’t give anything to her. She is going to be 30 in January and doesn’t own a thing of value. All her furnture was given to her and it is beat up. Her car is 20 years old and a clunker. She is looking for a father figure to take care of her. She refuses to date guys close to her age and then is mystified when the old guys don’t pan out.
The latest happend just this Monday. I had lunch with her at Subway before she had to go to work. She told me she was on her diet full force this time. She uses detox methods, cabbage soup or lemon aid. That or she starves herself . Just last week she had a bad case of diarrhea from her kia juice or something.
So anyway all day I had ran errands, mowed the lawn, did house cleaning then made supper. I hadn’t had time to relax till my husband and I sat down to eat. While we were eating, at 6:25pm she text me saying she is on her way home from work with a stomachache and backache and how the people she worked with gave her dirty looks as she left. My stomached clenched when I read it. It was gonna be drama and I wasn’t wanting to hear it. I put the phone down and ignored her text.
The next morning she text saying, “I’m fine, Thanks!” I forgot about the night before and text back, “Glad your fine. You ding dong.” I thought she’d meant the text for someone else asking about how she was. She text me back saying it was for me because I ignored her the night before and how she’d been in pain and went the the ER and that it was either an ulser or bad gall bladder. And she said how none of her friends asked how she was and that she was F-ing P_ssed!” Okay, that set me on edge, but I remained calm. I explained to her that I just thought it was another diet problem like last time. She said no, then got mad and acted incredulous and said, “You can’t even say your are sorry.” I told her I wasn’t going to apologise and that her saying I needed to was dumb. She wouldn’t let it go. Demanding that I should have cared enough to have asked her how she was doing after she said she had a stomachache, and how scared and alone she felt . I told her that if it was that bad she should have called. She asked why she should call when I ignored her text. It was a no win arguement and I told her to let it go.
That’s the last I’ve heard from her. She will eventually text or call. She always does, but right now she’s posting about the importance of true friends and asking people to pray for her to get better on Facebook.
My husband has wondered why I’ve stayed friends with her and let her walk all over me for so long. I thought I could help her, but she just keeps making bad decisions.
My plan is to put space and time between us. Let some of her other friends pick up the slack. One of her old high school buddies that she used to be close with has been hanging out with her more, she will be able to fill my absense.
I really do not want it to end badly since I know what she is capable of. I don’t need my tires slashed or my house broke into if she views this as some sort of breakup.
I just think it’s time I find some new friends and work on building stronger bonds with my old ones. She’s taken up too much of my time and energy for way too long.
I found this site when I was looking for a quote on needy friends to post on my facebook. LOL!
Needy Person is being passive agressive and manipulative by not having the guts to speak directly about the issue at hand and trying to make the other person guilt-trip for not being a good enough friend. Nothing in the post above suggested that the poster reveled in being “superior” – if nothing else, she was trying to be there for Needy Person as much as humanly possible while caring for a mother and running a business. N.P. needs to get a life and stand on her own two feet.
Why are YOU upset?
She is NO friend and she will continue to act the way she is until she is stopped, actually she will probably get worse. You don’t have to fight with her, just back off and don’t answer the phone or the door. Tell her your family needs your attention right now and you are unavailable at this time. If she continues and doesn’t back off I would get law enforcement involved. No one has the right to control another unless we give it to them. There is no way I would want a friend calling me that many times a day or expecting me to do errands or talking to me badly…I would want the friendship to end but if you don’t want that then just downgrade the friendship to what you can handle. If you can’t sit down with her and talk openly then blame your husband…If your not happy with this situation then I’m sure your husband and family aren’t either. No one is worth you feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
Best wishes to you and your family with this difficult situation
Lady are you sure that you are not the one who is crazy for putting up with this freak as long as you have? No more trying to reason with the unreasonable! Now is the time to take back your power. This is an extreme enough situation that can only improve by getting law enforcement involved.
Ever hear about a restraining order? So what if she is across the street!
She will be forced by law to remain on her side of the sidewalk. If she gets caught anywhere near your yard (which will be considered completely off limits) she will be arrested immediately on stalking charge.
Can you imagine what happens next?
She will have no choice but to make new friends to burden with her problems. Something tells me that the reaction from the other inmates (opposed to your own) will differ dramatically. You should have put her in check a long time ago and saved yourself a lot of grief. Good Luck!
I am 33 years old and I don’t friends and I don’t feel like having any friend in my life. I enjoy everything by myself and I have never needed anyone. I am happy.
I’ll bet she’s been here before and it won’t come as a surprise at all. She’s been using you and now you are used up. I’d tell her straight out–it may be the first time anyone’s been straight with her and she needs to hear it. Leech/parasite, she’s not going to get up off her fanny until she has to. Why would she if someone else will provide the means for her? If not you, then the dole. Harsh, I know, but I’m all about personal responsibility and accountability. She has kids that she’s not setting a good example for and they will be just like her.
Omg I’m experiencing this all the time with a friend of 10 yrs plus. I’m a bit of a loner and I don’t need to be around people everyday all day. I’m content with being by myself but she doesn’t get that. I never txt her she always call or txt me and it’s annoying especially when she’s drunk. She always put angry comments on Facebook and twitter about friends and what a true friend is suppose to be. I can’t be around her it’s coming to the point where she’s draining me emotionally. If I don’t want to do something she wants she blows up and yell. She also has an anger problem. She needs help but she doesn’t think she does. She makes me feel guilty like I have a problem. She even said your a loser just cause I didn’t want to go out to a party with her. Her brother said saying that could hurt her feelings and she said I don’t care that’s what I want to do. She can be nice but only when she feels it’s necessary to ploy people into feeling sorry for her. At this point I want to get emotionally healthy and rid her from my life. She constantly drains the energy from me whenever she’s around. When she can’t find a person to persuecute she moves onto the next. I believe she gets fulfillment out of tormenting people mentally and I can’t take it nomore. By the way I’m typing on my phone and she just txt me lol
First off, I know the type you are dealing with. The very fact that she goes ‘off’ as she does to manipulate you is your notice to sever all ties. Obvioulsy she’s not going to handle it as a mature adult but you peace and quiet and your family life are definitely worth fighting for. I know cause I’ve been there and I found that with that kind of history with someone, just end it. Do not look back for a second, do not allow them to worm back into your life. Once you reclaim your life back, keep it. I hope I’ve provided you with hope and encouragement. Life should not be miserable. God Bless You and yours.
Just wanted to comment that your advise to just tell the person straight out, we can’t be friends anymore works ONLY if they ‘listen’. Many times they just do not listen but I’m glad it worked for you – great! Here’s to finding healthy relationships!
The posts here are attempting to condense years of needy, toxic, draining so called friendships. You can get a snapshot of the destructive patterns and only a snapshot or a glimpse of these type of relationships. The person sharing has usually kept with the relationship cause we focus on helping or by the times the relationship actually feels like it’s working. For you to judge all here shows who you are. Fact is, you will see these needy, clingy people haven’t learned to be happy with themselves.
There is such good sharing here and I must say, I have lots I ccoul share as well. Bottom line, once I saw how toxic two co-workers were and I distanced myself, my daily migraines ceased. I experience peace, I work better and times they try to ‘pull’ me in, I remember how much they would drain me with their drama. Yes, there are people out there that twist things around and manipulate us. A relationship should be a win-win situation. Life dose throw us tragedies and we need friends to help us get through those times but when you see that they continually make bad choices, not do anything to improve their situation and it continues, get away! Love yourself and YOUR life with the people you love. Be strong!
I have a friend of 35 years that I have watched year after year struggle with all of her relationships. She repeatedly calls to tell me that she is hurt and upset with something I’ve said or done (even if it has been years since the so-called offense. She has shown rage and in order to calm her down, I have repeatedly said I was sorry and took the blame on myself. It just wasn’t worth the drama to become defensive. I’ve wondered for years why I would have someone this long in my life that has embarrassed me by yelling at friends if we have a dinner party, slamming the hoods of cars that interfere with her path, emotionally and physically abusing her adult children, etc. The truth is, she doesn’t see this in herself. Everyone in her presence thinks she is self-focused to the extreme. I have always felt sorry for her because she had such a tramatic childhood and didn’t want to be just another person to walk away.
Here’s the kicker. She is a licensed psychologist. Not only that, but last week, she told me she was ‘done’ with me because I didn’t enrich her life. That I did not ‘see’ her, did not ‘hear’ her, and was too judgemental and defensive if she came to me when she was hurt.
I don’t have a clue about what to do. Count my blessings and run? Try to communicate? Is this just manipulation because I’ve been so busy lately? It is crazy making and I don’t want to walk away from someone I now think may have a serious personality disorder. What to do? Any advice?
Here’s the kicker
I have enjoyed reading the true emotions and grievances of people here. At times, I felt out of line for having the feelings I do. . .
I have a friend that I met in high school. We were never best friends, or even personal friends (the ones you invite over your house regularly) but I considered her a friend. Her family moved away and we continued to keep in touch occasionally. Years later my family moved to the same city she was in and we reconnected. That was 5 years ago. Since then she has called me when she wanted to go somewhere (she doesn’t have a car).Never calls to say hey I’m making dinner come over and relax. She keeps calling and leaving messages. She makes it impossible to ignore her, calling from blocked or other people’s cell phones. I run my own business part time so I would expect it to be a client calling and it’d be her. In the beginning, I was excited to reconnect with a friend from home; someone who I could relate to, so I would make periodic trips to her house. Her family would always have a need for ME to pick someone up, take someone here, or run errands for them. You know once or twice is okay but they made a habit out of it. I was in college trying to get by on scholarship money and they would never consider their requests inappropriate.
I began to keep my distance, and she would call to say that she hadn’t heard from me and wanting to know what I was up to. She would invite herself out to where I was, using public transportation. By the time she arrived (at sunset), I’d be ready to go, then she’d ask for a ride home for her and the kids. I’m not going to send a young mother of two small kids home at night on the bus and train, so I’d drop them off. Ever since we reconnected, she has been in a poor relationship that she had her children from. She struggles to provide for her kids (she doesn’t work) and is dependent on the kids’ father to supply their needs. Through the years he’s been caught up with the law. I had my own problems to deal with and while in college,and focused on ways to remain positive. She always called with some draining story about how she needs things and doesn’t have a way to get them. She complains about the way her life is going and just wants someone to understand.
After graduating college, she began to call a lot more for rides to “just get out of the house”. She kept laying on the guilt that I was her only real friend that was positive and doing something with her life. I’m single with no kids, employed, and busy. That’s very humble of her, but our friendship was so imbalanced. I wasn’t receiving any form of reciprocation, just needs and more needs and wants. I didn’t want to confide in her, because my problems seemed so much better than hers. All of this carpooling was at my expense. She would NEVER offer any gas money or to pay for a small meal while we were out. I am totally aware that she didn’t work but everytime I see her, she had a fresh pedicure and waxed eyebrows. I do not live anywhere close to her. A one way trip is 25 miles, and I have to fasten kiddie seats and listen to her drama. She badmouthed the girls we went to high school with for not sending her kids gifts and baby items. I’m like everyone isn’t going to cater to your issues, people have their own. Get up and do for yourself. She would always say things like “You’re the only friend I feel like hanging out with today” and its clearly because her other friends with cars have kids too and both of their families won’t fit. My parents have an 8 passenger SUV and my needy friend would call to see if I could use that to fit more people in for a mall trip. I did demand gas money from her while driving it and she gave me three dollars for a 45 mile trip she requested.
I no longer enjoy her company. She expects to get a pass on being held accountable. I don’t mind helping people but I believe that for the inconvenience, she should be willing to reasonably compensate me. She thinks because she’s got 2 kids that her enjoyment should be had at other people’s expense. For a couple years now I’ve kept my distance and tried to place myself in her shoes…that’s what brings me to help her. Its really drained me. I want to believe in her that she will improve her life and become more independent. How do you tell someone that you no longer want to be friends? (That their all out of favors and trips to jail visitations.) Without killing them (I know she’d be crushed) I value my other friendships because they have quality and depth. Honestly, I wonder what type of friend she would be if she were in a better position, that’s what keeps me distantly loyal. Please help!!!
Sounds like you could get sucked into a never-ending pit—my suggestion would be to help her get help! Since she is a new friend, you need to think about whether this is a one-sided relationship or whether it is satisfying for you too!
Best,
Irene
Hi I just found your site after looking for some help! I have a new friend who is causing me concern. I have not known her for long and she is having a very hard time- difficult teenagers and a very poorly husband. I really feel for her but she is always needing help. Picking the kids up, calling round for hours at a time to talk etc. Now she is asking me to look after her son for her while she goes away. More worrying is the fact that she is really good at getting me to tell her about my own empotional baggeage and then lecturing me for hours about it. She is is really offhand if I ever say I can’t help her and I am finding myself worrying about saying no – I’m even inventing stuff as to why I am not able to help – this is stupid as I am an appauling liar and end up contradicting myself or lying awake worrying about what I said. I am really not sure how to handle her, she does need help but is just being so demanding that I don’t feel I can do everything she wants
Warning: This is long and it’s still an overview of my problem!
I am 45 years old and had a friend for about 10 years who is 33. We worked together closely for 8 of those years. The first few years I knew her we didn’t do a lot with one another outside of work.I had just had twins. After about 3 years we began to hang out and became pretty close. There have always been times during our early friendship where I would get annoyed with her impulsive behavior or rudeness. So we would go a few weeks without doing much and it would get better. She soon got married to a nice man closer to her age and had children of her own. Seems like since then she has been very possessive of me. She would act jealous if I did things with other mutual friends that didn’t include her. While she was pregnant she wanted everyone to come to her house of go where she wanted. While I was pregnant and with young children I stayed home…she went out, and that was fine. She has always been good to support me and listen to me vent about problems I had with my husband, but she always felt uncomfortable around him, so we never did couples things.
This winter I found myself getting irritated with everything she said and did. She would make impulsive and inappropriate posts on facebook. Even joking about my husband and using his name. When I would confront her about it, she would always turn it around and somehow make it out to be my fault.
During our friendship she would always want to know who was texting me, and would ask in a way that meant she couldn’t believe anyone but her should be texting me. She called me everyday and texted me sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, sometimes having entire conversations. I origionally had to get unlimited texting because of her.
Recently she began spreading a rumor and I got tangled up in it because of being her friend. It caused me problems at work. She would not drop it, and would continuously bring it up at parties and lie to me and say other people where talking about it.
I decided that I’d had enough! I needed to stop spending so much time dealing with her and spend time working on my marriage (that was struggling) and focusing on my children. I began the process of pulling away from my friend. She of course eventually noticed that I was always making excuses about hanging out with her. I explained to her that I was focusing intently on my family and hadn’t done anything social without them for many months. When she would drink she would text me saying things like “Don’t you need me?”, “Can’t you work on your marriage and be my friend too?” I would always be nice and tell her I was her friend but this was something I needed to do.
Eventually she began making commments on facebook about friendships, what is a good friend, and how she was thankful for the new friends she had made. I got tired of feeling like her posts where digs toward me so I got off of facebook for a week. During that time she blocked me from seeing her posts…and one of my friends told me she posted “Cie la vie!” Then two back to back posts about friendships and true friends etc. Since my goal was to not have to see her posts, and she fixed that, I got back on facebook and began posting about activities I was participating in and just went on living my life.
Just a few days ago she sent me a long email that seemed kind of like her way of getting closure. It was nice, but was sprinkled with the ways she felt hurt etc. It angered me because she was the one who blocked me and wrote comments about me. She made comments about me making new friends and doing new things, which isn’t true but I felt she must’ve been reading my posts on facebook.
All I asked for was time and space. I had hoped that eventually we could socialize again, but in a more realistic adult capacity.
I just feel like talking and texting everyday is a lot to ask of a friend who is married with children. A lot of times I felt like she was treating me like someone who broke off a romantic relationship with her. Many of my other friends would ask me if she was gay and maybe in love with me? It really began to creep me out a little that she professed to be so happy in her job, with her husband and family yet she obessed over my need for space to work on my marriage. To me, it seemed like she thought a good friendship was like the kind you have when you are a girl, single with no responsibilities. I felt like she just liked having me at her disposal, always answering every text and phone call. I would’ve like to be able to talk to her about this, and be more honest about my feelings but everytime I’ve tried in the past it’s just more drama and she always tries to turn things back on me.
I was just tired and felt like it wasn’t worth the fight. My marriage and children are the most important things in my life. If she couldn’t respect my need to devote my time to them however I saw fit, then she is not the type of friend I want.
Hi,
It sounds like this relationship is confusing to both of you. Friend, best friend, sister, love interest? You need to give yourself some time and space to back up and think about what you want from the relationship rather than reacting reflexively because you are afraid to say NO.
Also, you do a pretty impressive job typing from a phone!
Wow, its amazing how we all can relate to each other with our stories of needy friends. Well to make things more complicated then they already are my needy friend is my best friend and she considers me a sister. I would also like to “vent.” I’ve been friends with her since high school. We’ve been through a lot together from break-ups, depression, and venturing out to other countries. She conciders me a sister but before we became friends I didn’t want to label our friendship. Friends are friends and I don’t like to label it because in the end you never know how things may work out. So when I’m talking to another friend on the phone (just an example) she likes to hear the “best friend” label…I’m with my best friend. Maybe its my fault for telling her what she wants to hear. I’m the quite type of person who cares what people think and feels that words have to be chosen wisely. My “best” friend has been going through some issues for some time…she’s ended up in the ER several times for panic disorder and they recently found out she has a thyroid problem. As a friend I can only be there when I have time I mean life in america is all about work…we barely get to sit down because of our 45min breaks. I mean I feel selfish telling her when I will have time to visit. She DOES exaggerate when she talks about herself and that she’s a horrible person and that’s why people don’t visit her. She wants the validation and people to tell her she’s a good person…and I do tell her but the negative image she has of herself is just tiring. It just seems that her problems become my problems and she tells me that I’m her only other family and I will have to carry that burden ….she tell me that herself. Well aside from the panic disorder that came from having the thyroid problem she’s also gay and says she’s developed an attachment and that she likes me but knows that if it wasn’t for her health all this wouldve been avoided. Its because I’ve spent so much time with her that she’s had a thing for me. So I’ve don’t everything I can I’ve visited her when she’s needed it and listened to her and I’ve told her that I’m not able to help with her problem because she needs that help from a professional. The friendship feels like it is becoming “toxic”. She’s even told me that I’m the reason why she stresses….I’m the trigger. The way she explained it is “she wants me there for her but she can’t have me there with her.” I myself feel like this relationship is making me go mad. At this point in my life I’ve finished school but have to keep up with continued education and taking exams to acquire a license….I myself am a “loner”….never thought of having friends as a competetion…I like the lonliness and right now I feel like I need the tranquility that comes with it. I need to mentally prepare for my own future. Selfish to say?….I can really relate to the other comments people have left. I feel like if I take a little from what everyone has said that describes my friendship. Yeah I mean there’s been times when I’ve ended up in the hospital and have been bed ridden but I never bring it up and I don’t hold people or friends against it…if they didn’t have time to visit then oh well I don’t dwell on it people have lives and responsibilies and circumstances as to why they can’t be there for you. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t know how to say “no” when someone needs help. With all the problems my friend has I can only suggest her one thing and that is to keep up with the treatment for hyperthyroidism and consult a therapist. Well to keep it short because I’ve vented way too much we got into this argument. She went in to the ER this past weekend and I was outta town without a car she expected me to show up and bend over backwards for her when it was hard to do especially when I didn’t have my car with me. I told her I’d see her when I get back. I saw her and she told me that I failed her expectations as a friend because I wasn’t there when she most needed it. Anyway guess that’s all I have to get out of my chest…*sigh*
PS. Sorry for the misspelling, grammar, and punctuation. Its so hard when typing from a phone.
Wow, its amazing how we all can relate to each other with our stories of needy friends. Well to make things more complicated then they already are my needy friend is my best friend and she considers me a sister. I would also like to “vent.” I’ve been friends with her since high school. We’ve been through a lot together from break-ups, depression, and venturing out to other countries. She conciders me a sister but before we became friends I didn’t want to label our friendship. Friends are friends and I don’t like to label it because in the end you never know how things may work out. So when I’m talking to another friend on the phone (just an example) she likes to hear the “best friend” label…I’m with my best friend. Maybe its my fault for telling her what she wants to hear. I’m the quite type of person who cares what people think and feels that words have to be chosen wisely. My “best” friend has been going through some issues for some time…she’s ended up in the ER several times for panic disorder and they recently found out she has a thyroid problem. As a friend I can only be there when I have time I mean life in america is all about work…we barely get to sit down because of our 45min breaks. I mean I feel selfish telling her when I will have time to visit. She DOES exaggerate when she talks about herself and that she’s a horrible person and that’s why people don’t visit her. She wants the validation and people to tell her she’s a good person…and I do tell her but the negative image she has of herself is just tiring. It just seems that her problems become my problems and she tells me that I’m her only other family and I will have to carry that burden ….she tell me that herself. Well aside from the panic disorder that came from having the thyroid problem she’s also gay and says she’s developed an attachment and that she likes me but knows that if it wasn’t for her health all this wouldve been avoided. Its because I’ve spent so much time with her that she’s had a thing for me. So I’ve don’t everything I can I’ve visited her when she’s needed it and listened to her and I’ve told her that I’m not able to help with her problem because she needs that help from a professional. The friendship feels like it is becoming “toxic”. She’s even told me that I’m the reason why she stresses….I’m the trigger. The way she explained it is “she wants me there for her but she can’t have me there with her.” I myself feel like this relationship is making me go mad. At this point in my life I’ve finished school but have to keep up with continued education and taking exams to acquire a license….I myself am a “loner”….never thought of having friends as a competetion…I like the lonliness and right now I feel like I need the tranquility that comes with it. I need to mentally prepare for my own future. Selfish to say?….I can really relate to the other comments people have left. I feel like if I take a little from what everyone has said that describes my friendship. Yeah I mean there’s been times when I’ve ended up in the hospital and have been bed ridden but I never bring it up and I don’t hold people or friends against it…if they didn’t have time to visit then oh well I don’t dwell on it people have lives and responsibilies and circumstances as to why they can’t be there for you. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t know how to say “no” when someone needs help. With all the problems my friend has I can only suggest her one thing and that is to keep up with the treatment for hyperthyroidism and consult a therapist. Well to keep it short because I’ve vented way too much we got into this argument. She went in to the ER this past weekend and I was outta town without a car she expected me to show up and bend over backwards for her when it was hard to do especially when I didn’t have my car with me. I told her I’d see her when I get back. I saw her and she told me that I failed her expectations as a friend because I wasn’t there when she most needed it. Anyway guess that’s all I have to get out of my chest…*sigh*
PS. Sorry for the misspelling, grammar, and punctuation. Its so hard when typing from a phone.
I think you are exactly the kind of person that people who search for help on this blog are complaining about. So, you are the end all know all of what friendship is? Don’t you suppose that definition lies with the friend, not you? If life is not on your terms, you have a fit don’t you?
Sometimes it is difficult to realize that we are not compatible with people that we once were. This is the impermanence of all things in life. Perhaps slowly backing away from the relationship will help. Over time she will get the hint and move on. Do it with loving kindness.
Just remember, people who are in need or who don’t feel good about themselves will gravitate towards a positive person with good energy. This can suck you dry. I have just had this happen to me. Unfortunately, even though I ended my friendship with loving kindness, I received all types of backstabbing comments and criticisms. I accept my friend for who she is and love her, but I can no longer be friends with her. She needs professional help.
I hope this helps you out. Stay positive!
I think you have a point regarding people who have had very traumatic life experiences. But to overload another who is not prepared or can help you get over the trauma is also unfair. They cannot make up for that trauma and the pain that it caused you. Anytime a person has gone through horrible trauma, the best thing to do is to seek regular and therapeutic counseling. A good friend would help you find a therapist. Unfortunately, too many people want a friend to become that. That can’t happen unless the person has been trained to deal with that level of trauma. And it doesn’t really help the person to get better. Part of moving on from trauma is to not let it have power over you, invading your thoughts and dominating your conversations and your worldview. A friend can’t do this for you: you have to get to that point yourself.
The article’s point really dealt with the needy person who wants to be validated constantly, needs to hear from you frequently, always makes plans with you, barges in on you, doesn’t leave you with space for yourself, resents or doesn’t respect that you have demands are your time with family and other friends, etc., to the point that you who are on the receiving end are exhausted, resentful and see nothing positive coming out of the relationship.
Needy people can also be narcissistic or self-centered since they are so focused on what they need out of the relationship and don’t take a step back to think, well, maybe the other person cannot or is unwilling to fulfill those needs. A needy person is so focused on what they need and what they’re not getting that they fail to modify their behavior to the response from the other person. The needy person also might have a worldview that if they gave so much to the other person, then the other person is obliged to fulfill their expectations.
A word of advice: the fact that you are using exaggerations like “I’m a horrible person,” and “I’m a awful abomination” clues us all that you may need to seek therapy to have a more balanced view of yourself. Unless you’re a serial killer, you’re not a horrible person or an abomination. You may have issues unresolved from childhood, or never really had healthy models of relationships to form healthy and mutually satisfying relationships. I really do suggest that you at least have one session to see if you don’t have any other deeper issues. The need to feel validated, if very strong, can be a detriment to yourself and an impediment to relationships. Also, cut your friend some slack: he just came out of the closet and this isn’t an easy thing. People can withdraw when they are depressed, stressed, or are ready to move onto another place in their life. The problem is that you are taking it personally and letting it harm you. Just as there are toxic friendships that are harmful to you, there are indifferent or one-sided friendships that can harm you too if you’re the one always initiating. You must accept the fact that you cannot impose your view of what a friendship should be on an unwilling party. It’s a fact of life. And you should take care of yourself instead of perhaps harming yourself with tortuous thoughts about this friend who has become indifferent.
One thing I have learned is that just because someone reaches out to you to become friends, it’s no guarantee that you have a compatible friendship style and therefore, will remain friends. Part of a healthy friendship is the establishment of appropriate boundaries. When there is a disagreement as to the extent of those boundaries, conflict will occur and it’s up to the two of them to decide if the relationship will continue. And if one party doesn’t want to continue, then it can’t really continue, now can it?
My advice: lay off, stop calling and stop suggesting get-togethers with a person that is not reciprocating. Let his conduct be your guide as to how to treat him. Remember the platinum rule: treat others as THEY want to be treated, not how you want to be treated.
If you feel that you must have an intimate, sharing friendship in order to feel fulfilled, then he is not up to your standards. You said so yourself that you find his distance hurtful. Why would you invest emotional time and energy is something that is hurtful to you?
Also, even though he’s gay, he’s not a woman and will probably never have the same view of life as you. I see this all the time: ladies, gay men are STILL MEN. They are not “women” psychologically speaking with a male body. Testosterone actually makes men less emotional (tender feelings) and more hostile (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1799770/the_effects_of_testosterone_supplementation.html).
Recognizing this fact will end up benefiting you, who feels is the injured party. Do not put yourself in a position where you will be hurt. Find other people that will appreciate you and that you also can appreciate. Recognize that not everyone holds your view of nurturing friendships and deep emotional intimacy.
I have to disagree with the judgments – yes, calling someone a “bad friend” without intimate knowledge of details is a judgment – laid at this woman.
If you are a needy person and you get the clues/hints that this person is not going to be available for you 24/7 for you to vent, cry, hang out with, then you have to take a hint. The needy person actively pursued this woman – she didn’t “steal” anything. The crux of the situation is needy people make other people feel guilty and then make them feel hurt for them not being able to fulfill Needy Person’s needs. In fact, in this case, Needy Person was a self-absorbed, and yes, a bit selfish, to want to pursue someone who was taking care of her mother and in business for herself. Friendship is a two-way street: if you’re the one always calling needing help, needing to vent, etc., then please be honest and go to therapy. The fundamental problem is the expectations of friendship and the reality of real life.
omg
i sooo can relate to your post
my email address is [email protected]
can you tell me about your cbt and what not
i am in the same boat
my name is cindy
i know exactly what you mean, maybe we can support one another, i need it
I appreciated your comments on the previous woman’s post… I currently have a friend of 10 years (a gay male friend, which may alter the situation slightly, but doesn’t negate my point), and we’ve reached a very difficult point in our long friendship. I’ve (finally) realized the extent to which he thinks it’s intrusive to ask about his feelings or his life, in addition to not understanding why I would want to meet up on occasion just with him to “reconnect.” He’s very similar to the loner type of the previous post. He neither requires, nor gives much in a friendship. It’s just his style, but it’s become extremely hurtful to me because I give EVERYTHING… I love baking cookies and giving presents every once in a while just to show how much I value my friends, I like to share details about each others’ lives, and I like to have intimate one-on-one get togethers to catch-up. Whereas he sees sharing his life as intrusive and frustrating, I see it as an essential part of friendship: the ability to love the other person enough to WANT to share these things. I enjoy my personal space, but he can go for months without batting an eye, and this is hard for me. I suggest we do something, just for 20 minutes, even going so far as to agree to meet at the coffee shop right outside his place, and am consistently shot down. We talked, and it seems that the harder I try to “save” the friendship by wanting to talk and do things, the more he pushes me away because these are the things he avoids. He thinks my friendships are akin to what he would have in a romantic relationship, but for me the line between those two things, perhaps, is not as demarcated as his. I’m not attracted to him, which I’ve made clear, but I’ve had friendships with women that weren’t nearly as complicated, because we wanted and appreciated the same things. How did I go for ten years without knowing he was so very different from me? I guess it was because I recently moved into the same city after years communicating via email. I’m currently trying to decide if it’s worth keeping the friendship… this is tricky, because even if we both give a little on our perspectives, we still might end up resenting each other. But he’s been through hell and back with me, even through the loss of a mutual best friend. I’d appreciate any comments.
I’m a needy friend. I feel like I’m just now discovering that I’m a horrible person or something, while all along I just thought I was normal, enjoying making close personal friendships. I’m angry because my best friend of ten years, who used to be so supportive of me, has recently started pulling away. For me, it’s important to have that one-on-one meet up with a friend to reconnect every now and again, but he doesn’t feel that way. Any time I ask if he wants to do something he always comes up with an excuse. I go for several months without getting together one-on-one. I see him when I’m with other friends, but it’s not the same to me. I need to have someone value me enough to want to see me outside of a group. (He sees things differently, doesn’t think it’s so crucial.) I ask him how he’s doing, and he feels that I’m nagging him for details about his life… and I probably do, because getting any info is like pulling teeth with him. But it’s an awful feeling to think that your friend doesn’t want to share anything with you, and the more I try, the more he pulls away. The problem came to a head recently because he started dating (this is new for him, he came out of the closet a couple years ago), and I didn’t even know. He felt that I had no right to invade his personal life by asking about it, and I felt that after knowing someone for 10 years, I shouldn’t HAVE to ask these things… I guess I take it for granted that my best friend would WANT to share. I don’t know. It’s very confusing. I think we are polar opposites, and I’m just realizing that. I’m ultra-needy because I like to share everything, feel hurt when others don’t update me on their lives, and have no trouble being around someone a couple times a week; he’s a huge loner. It hurts because he seems to think the problem is all me, and I get very emotional every time we get together to try hashing things out (which I hate and probably makes me seem even more pathetic in his eyes). I’ve tried giving him his space, but he needs SO much space that I come away from it feeling empty and under-appreciated. I really do put everything into my friendships, and he puts in close to nothing. I KNOW that I need to feel validated, that I don’t have the best self-esteem, and that I should have more friends so the pressure isn’t on him so much. Ugh. Is it really all me? Am I this awful abomination of a person who hates herself so much that she pushes people away through an attempt to get closer? I love this friend, I really do, but do I need to let him go since we’re so different? A friend of 10 years who has been through so much with me? I don’t want to be a needy friend, I really don’t. But the more he fights me, the needier and more desperate I become, fearing that I’m losing him (which only makes it worse). Sometimes I think it’s just starting to hurt more than it’s worth.
I have often heard and read about “needy” or emotionally draining friendships. While I do not support people who use friends or are financially dependent on their friends, I do have to speak up for the people who go to friends to vent, cry or share the details about their crises to a friend. Remember that there are people who have gone through really traumatic experiences such as: rape, murder of a loved one, victim or a crime, divorce, infidelity or other betrayal, etc.
Some people just have it harder in life and I think we need to remember that. I have experienced some of the crises I listed above and I can tell you that I would have preferred not to have the experience in the first place instead of dishing to a friend about it. Before judging your friends, ask yourself: “Have I been through went my friend is experiencing?” If you haven’t, then think very carefully before you judge, as you don’t know how you would react. You may have been an even worse emotional trainwreck.
Even if your friend seems to be upset over something that seems insignificant, it could be that they have endured other harrowing experiences that they haven’t told you about and they just want things to go smoothly for a change.
I’m a pretty charitable person, so I don’t mind being there for friends in need. There are billions of people on this planet and very few people who actually love you and will be there for you when you are at your worst.
An acquaintance tried to commit suicide a few years ago. No one knew he was so troubled. He was quiet and he never shared his sadness or depression with anyone. Perhaps, if he were not afraid of being “needy” or “emotionally draining” or some other label, we would have been able to help him earlier.
Think before judging. You may be saving someone’s life without even knowing it.
I think you need to think about what you want.
You wanted her to call less. She’s promised not to call, and to let YOU be the one who decides it all. You call when you want to, now, period.
What she said was that you’re “more than welcome to call her.” But she’s not going to call you anymore. Hooray! You got exactly what you wanted. No more annoying calls, AND you didn’t have a fight or lose a friend over it. So what’s the problem here?
You’re thinking of calling her and “telling her what you think of her?” You don’t think she already knows? You don’t think that’s what she was crying about? She correctly read between your lines and recognized that you don’t want her friendship, that you think she’s needy and negative and not worth your time.
So what’s making you angry? Is it that for the first time in the relationship, you don’t feel superior to her? Her pattern of calling you most likely affirmed for both of you, that you’re independent and she’s needy. That put you in a superior position. I’ll bet you never call her. I’ll bet that on those occasions when she resolves to make no requests, no complaints, you cut the call very short. I’ll bet that when she’s called sounding happy and wanted you to go somewhere, to take the friendship to more positive ground, you’ve begged off.
You’re like the thief who isn’t sorry he stole, but is enraged that he got caught. How dare she “say those things” she didn’t say? How dare she be the one to end the situation, instead of dangling on your hook forever? And worst of all, she did it NICELY!
You WERE a bad friend to her. You still are. You’re angry because she noticed, and did the healthy, honest, and mature thing. She left it up to you whether things are going to change in your friendship or not. She owned her half of the problem. In one move, she stopped being reassuringly inferior and dumpable for you, and also ended your illusion of superiority over her.
I have a similar problem which I have tried to solve over the last two years but it hasn’t worked and now I don’t know how to proceed. Our friendship started off great, but then he got a crush on me which turned into love and was not reciprocated. He was under the impression that I should love him and date him just because he really loved me, and when I rejected him he took it very badly.
We remained friends and now he says he doesn’t love me anymore but he has remained incredibly needy. He has no other friends, doesn’t try to make new friends and ignores his family. I feel quite trapped because he makes contact with all of my friends and this makes me not want to vent to them about him. Now he is in severe financial difficulty, all of his own making, and he wants me to help him out. I don’t want to and I have told him this, but his solutions for survival seem to be to get me to give him money or to move in with me to save costs. If I had to have him around me all the time I think I would have a breakdown.
I have a friend I very much care about. I like spending time with her, but since she got married not long ago things have changed. She is currently unemployed and I became unemployed recently. She likes coming over to my place which I don’t mind and I enjoy her company, but one thing that stops me from inviting her over is that she always wants to stay over for dinner or lunch, and when it is time to leave she insists that I drop her off at the bus stop (by walking, I don’t drive). This was all very well in the beginning and I was happy to go along with her, but recently I feel I need to have time more to myself to figure out what I want from life. Her outlook in life is kind of gloomy and insists that she is being realistic and that I am the naieve one. I am a very independent person and enjoy different people’s company, I like doing things and going out and having a good time and generally be positive about everything, and I manage to do this although I don’t have a job.
However when my friend is around she prefers to stay at my place all day long, we can’t go out. And when we do go out she is without money and I end up paying for her lunch or anything else that she may need and never pays me back. I even raised the issue of the money that she owes me, but she weasels her way out of it. I don’t expect anything from her anymore. I care about our friendship, but recently I just feel I am bogged down around her and our friendship is one sided. It has become regular of her to expect of me to provide food for her when we go out, I just feel like telling her that I’m not your husband.
Like the others on this forum, I am a quiet, shy person and am constantly aware and sensitive to others emotions. I have very few friends. I try to distance myself from her but I don’t want to lose her because she is my closest friend, but I don’t want to be used either. I am writing here because Im not sure how I feel about her and I need some outside opinions, because I just find it hard to believe my friend for a long time could be manipulating me. Maybe if I get some views I could look at it from a different point of view which I can’t do right now. So please tell me what you think.
So if you are not content in your life maybe you could take an adult education class and learn how to write in English.
Look, I don’t speak or write absolutely in absolutely perfect grammar but the wording at least makes sense.
This post was perfectly reasonable and understandable. You wouldn’t be so defensive if you weren’t one of these psychic vampires yourself, which you obviously are.
Get a life.
While my situation is not as intense as most, I thought this would be a good place to vent. About three years ago, I became friends with my nextdoor neighbor. She is very nice and has a good heart. But as time went on, her life drama and crises became more and more frequent and I was the one she called to “vent”. And she would push and push for us to get together. (And just FYI, I am a bit of a loner and don’t think I have ever once felt lonely, I love the peace and serenity that comes from being alone.) She also was pushing me to become more involved in issues that were important to her. Being a Small Business owner and recently becoming caretaker for my mother, I don’t have the energy or the time for a lot of the things that I used to. All of my other friends get this about me and they understand it and know that I will ALWAYS be there for them and I know they will ALWAYS be there for me as well, no matter if we speak everyday or once in a few months or more. Anyway, over the last month and a half or so, I have been trying to distance myself from her little by little… trying to explain that business has gotten busy and my mother has been taking a lot of my time and energy (which are both actually true). I have been doing this because I just cannot stand that every single day she is calling me and crying and/or whining about how something in her life is in crisis (usually, something very minor, at least to me anyway). She drains all of my energy everytime we talk or get together. Now, don’t get me wrong, she has also been very supportive of me when I run into a rough patch, however, I am a very strong, independent and positive person, so my rough patches are few and far between. I spoke with her on Friday and she asked what I was doing that evening. I told her I was going to the dentist and coming home to catch up on some work. I also explained to her that my business was growing and I probably was going to have less and less time available for get togethers (I tried to say this as pleasantly and diplomatically as possible). She immediately said she had to get off the phone. She called me later and left me a message (in tears of course). She said she was tired of “hitting a wall” and being told that I was too busy. That she thought that she had done a good job trying to be supportive of my life and my dreams but know she’s not sure. She said she is going to “back-off” and if I wanted to call her, I was more than welcome, but she would not be calling me. It seemed to me that she was trying to say that I have not been a very good friend to her. Well, I think I have been a GREAT friend to her and putting up with all of her obsessiveness and negativity. So, now I am just plain angry that she could even say these things to me!!! But at the same time, it’s making me doubt my values and integrity of being a friend to others. In addition to being a “loner”, I am also a conflict avoider. As much as I would like to call this person and let her know just what I’m thinking of her, I know I won’t. Don’t know if this will be the end of the friendship, but i do know that no matter what I do or don’t do is never enough for her and I’m tired of trying!!! Thanks for letting me vent!!!!
i used to be like that. my needy behaviour was so despaerate that it ruined many relationship. it was only when i had a good friend who also trained as a Psychiatric nurse and counsellor and she was able to give me insight into my behavoiur that was driving people away. incidentally, i had been diagnosed by a doctor with a personality disorder (Borderline Personality)- please don’t get me wrong, am not saying you have this disorder, it has many other symptoms other than neediness- and had been in treatment for years for the self-harm and mood-swings symptoms, but the neediness had never been looked at. its taken me a lot of time to overcome the need i have for attention/validation, and to stop “acting out” to get it, but am getting there. i joined a church and made friends who love me and understand i have an issue. Eventually i went into Cognitive Therapy (CBT) which helped enormously. there IS hope, but it isn’t easy. maybe counselling would help you too?
Womens lives are crazy busy lives and families do require work and time but ya know good friends will invite good friends partly into their families as an extension of the family.
Eventually, children grow up and often move far away when this happens their Moms are going to want friends who know their kids to fill in the gap and be interested in hearing about how these flown the coop kids are.
Maybe your perception of neediness is not as accurate as it may seem to you because of how time flies with life being so busy.
I had a nightmare friendship forced on me in HS. It was either have the phone thrust at me every 9 min. for the 60th time or give in as I was not allowed to disconnect all the phones in the house to get some peace. She would not take no for an answer. She lied about her Mom attacking her which I could understand why her Mom might get up set with her. She had begun attending my Church.
I am stand offish because in my ending the relationship my best friends cut me off in her support.
I am traumatized after seventeen years still. I have an aquaintaince or two but never can seem to reach out. I did about a year ago and got slaped in my face as needy after what only four meetings in three months from a boorish motor mouth.
I feel like you guys put the bar really low for neediness. Nice people reach out to other women not lucky enough to have such great lives as you portray. You don’t nit pick reasons to judge others as needy. I heard from Readers Digest that women who center their lives all around work and kids are the dysfunctional one. Don’t judge least you be judged.
It’s nice to hear when people work out problems in a way that is satisfying. My best,
Irene
Sounds like you are in touch with your feelings and have a plan to handle them!
Best,
Irene
I just recently discovered a needy person on my job. She’s a nice person, but when she comes around the atmosphere immediately turns into gloom and doom. I happen to be a positive person and I know some people draw from this in me, but sometimes it’s more work for me than you think. I sometimes want to go straight to my office and start working without any interruptions, unless it pertains to work. If I don’t speak to her right away she gets mad. If I don’t run up to her with a happy face she thinks something is wrong. If I’m being quiet, which is usually how I work, then something must be wrong.
I made the mistake of buying her lunch one day and ever since then she hints around for me to buy her lunch. I hate it when someone takes my kindness for granted. If I do something for you it’s because I want to. But, don’t expect this all the time. I am a loner who hardly ever feels alone. And if I do feel alone I know how to invite people in without expecting them to be there or else. I just wish people understood that not all people need to have people around all the time. And, if you feel worse during and after being around someone, then it’s time for you to move on. People will either add to your life, or take from it. The question you need to ask yourself is, what are your friendships to you, not them?
I can relate to you 100%. I’m now in my early 40′s enjoying the time I used to give away so freely to people who only clung to me to keep themselves afloat. I finally embraced solitude when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. It was at this time in my life I realized who my true friends were. It also gave me a way out of all the needy friendships that drowned me with constant drama and trauma.
These unbalanced friendships taught me that there are two types of people in this world. There are givers, and there are takers. Givers are known to give far above their capacity to give without expecting anything in return. And yet takers never run out of room to store up all the things they selfishly expect you to give them.
I have become a giver and taker to myself. I give myself time and space to grow, learn and live life to the fullest. I take myself out on dates, because I’m single, but I don’t have to be single in a group to not feel alone. I give myself pats on the back, because I have to encourage myself sometimes to keep going forward. I give myself gifts, affirmations, and faith to believe in myself when no one else does. So, for this I can actually thank these people for what they taught me about myself. Unfortunately, these people can’t be apart of my life, but they will always be apart of the journey of me discovering how confident, and free I can be on my own.
I agree with the poster that you may lose her wonderful family in the process of getting rid of your friend. Whenever we decide to get rid of a friend, there is always the risk of collateral damage—losing people that are close to them (whether they are family, other friends, or lovers/spouses.
Best,
Irene
How do you get rid of her without losing her “wonderful family?” You don’t. Let it go.
Maybe what you did in other friendships to distance, worked because you weren’t trying to stay close to everyone else that person knew, at the same time you were pushing them away.
Think of it the other way around. When you’re “with your family today,” you don’t include her, do you? So why is she including you, when she’s “with her family?”
Make a play for the cousin while you still can. You’re not a real friend, and it’s only a matter of time before she figures this out. And if her family really is as “wonderful” as you say, they won’t like someone using her to get close to them, and then trying to cut her out of the picture.
How would you feel, if someone wrote this letter about your bff sister? Would you want to have them around and leave her home? Nuff said.
Do you? You say that you want to be her friend, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings. But then you ask a bunch of people who are mainly here because they have friends they want to dump, what you should do. Of course they’re going to tell you to dump her.
What’s changed here? Why is it suddenly feeling one-sided? There is nothing wrong with telling her that it’s feeling one-sided, and that you just need a day with no complaints and no requests now and then.
It actually may be a lot easier to get her to adjust her behavior, since she is aware of it. She is probably willing to work very hard to keep the friendship, so if you actually do like her, and you don’t want to hurt her, you do have the option of working it out, it sounds like. But it would require you to be more assertive, and honest, instead of always letting her take the risks. It sounds as if she’ll back off fast if you stop answering her calls, because she’s been through this before and knows what it means.
It certainly does.
I’ve been the “clingy friend” people wanted to get rid of, but the thing is, those friendships all began with the other person calling or e-mailing me constantly, so that I thought those were the boundaries. When I let my guard down, it always turned out to be too much for them.
I got to the point where I used to apologize for calling friends, right off, at the start of the call. I suffer from severe depression, and followed the insane advice offered by mental health professionals: Call a friend.
Can I just say, this is the WORST advice ever? If you are depressed, suicidal, or in trouble, FTLOG NEVER EVER call a friend! It always results in the friendship eventually ending.
It took me 10 years to learn this the hard way. It would have been so much simpler if one of my many “friends” had just given it to me straight to begin with.
None of the friends who have dumped me over the years would ever admit that was what they were doing or wanted to do. I really don’t get it, because they would tell absolutely everyone else on the planet how they felt, but not me.
I think you should just level with them. Be honest. It’s the fastest way to lose people.
It is so hard to judge a friend’s emotions over the phone…you don’t know when you caught her, how she was feeling, and what she was doing. Also, being away from home sounds very stressful for you. Don’t assume the worst.
The most likely scenario is that your friendship will return to normal when you’re back home.
Best,
Irene
I too have become a clingy friend and really could use some assistance. I’ve been visiting my family which has become a very draining visit (a lot of tension and some jealousy issues) and therefore have been turning to my best friend of 11 years for support. However, I notice with myself that I seem to be doing all of the calling, contact and when we do talk…she seems emotionally withdrawn. Last night when we talked I told her I felt like I was being a pest & worried about it a lot. Her response to me was…if you worry about it…it happens. It hurts…and right now…I just want to break the cycle and have a healthy friendship again. I miss that with her. Any advice?
Thank you very much for the excellent and useful subject.
Poor you. I do feel very sorry because you are trapped. What I would do in your situation is have a heart to heart with this person. It may end the so called friendship, but maybe that’s the desired outcome. Rather than ignore her, which would make her angry and not resolve anything, tell her straight that she is monopolising your life and it must stop now. It’s difficult and not pleasant and I have done that once in my life where a single girlfriend would telephone me every night and want to chat for two hours! It was the same complaints and issues every night. She drove me crazy. (We weren’t exactly friends. Friends socialise and take turns at organising outings. This girl didn’t. She left all the organising to me, so I felt used.). I finally had to tell her that we could not be friends anymore. It got so bad that I thought I was going to have a stroke. I dreaded the phone ringing.
Take my advice – do whatever it takes to reduce or stop the contact. Even if it means having an unlisted telephone number and maybe a new cell phone number.
My pleasure. I know what a burden this can be for ‘good listeners’.
Mina:
Thanks so much for your very thoughtful post describing the steps that have worked for you! Thanks, too, for reading my blog~
Best, Irene
Indeed, the friend moving across the street takes the cake! I’ve met sooooooooo many people like this.
(Not sure why my paragraphs aren’t separated on this site) Nurturers naturally attract these people. I have also noticed that if you grew up with a parent (or other family member) like this, you can repeat this type of relationship.
It can really be a type of puzzle. When one attracts the same type of friend or mate over and over, it’s an opportunity to grow stronger by dealing with this person creatively, directly, and many times sternly. These types of relationships are one-way streets. To have the life you want to have, you MUST ENFORCE BOUNDARIES (sometimes this means a PPO………not that those mean much to the seriously ‘disturbed’ cases).
I used to let people rule my time, and throughout my 20s, I became a very resentful person. I felt robbed of time I wanted to use on my own personal goals. I have to practice what I’ve learned again tonight on a person that just moved into our apartment building. I realized they need boundaries set when they sat and talked on and on after I explained that my disabled child doesn’t leave me with much time for my studies!
*Here is what has helped me. First, it’s true that you teach people how to treat you. Maya Angelou has said that, and someone posted it here as well. It’s up to you to take the helm! No one is gonna step in and save you (no matter how many times you click your heels….or boots). In the initial stages of friendship and acquaintances, I make it a point to tell people that I’m a loner and that I value my solitude. I drop all the hints right away. I don’t do un-announced visits. I’m always working on my art or doing things with my children. If they don’t get it, I make myself unavailable. If they still don’t get it, you have to say as nicely as possible, “I don’t have time for a social life (or whatever you need to say). I have a family, job, project, that I need to deal with alone. You may have to say ‘we can’t see each other anymore’. If they don’t get that, then you probably have a straight-up psycho on your hands, and you may end up involving the law.
Lastly, don’t feel guilty. I have a moderately mentally unstable friend who I still talk to. Somewhere, somehow, he learned that I love him no matter how long between phone calls. (Straight girl/gay boy relationships can be dramatic, passive-aggressive messes sometimes). He even said that even though I hate talking on the phone, he knows I will call him when I’m ready and that I’ve been there for him when it counted (deaths). Real friends can NOT talk for years and pick up where they left off with no guilt trips or hard feelings. Hey, and I think my cat finally stopped taking it personally as well
)
Hi Clingy Friend:
Insight is the first step towards change. You sound so uncomfortable being clingy that you need to find a way to set some boundaries for you and your friends.
Thanks so much for your candor and for posting.
Best, Irene
I was very interested to read this comment. I often wondered if any of these clingy friends realized they were behaving inappropriately. I’ve just finally rid myself of my needy friend, and I’m relieved to read that in some recesses of this woman’s mind, perhaps she might actually understand why.
Thank you for being so open and honest.
I am the clingy friend you’re all talking about. Some of us can’t stop this behavior no matter how much we try. We do it out of anguish. But we do understand you. When you leave, deep inside some of us will understand it, we feel guilty, no matter what we say or do. So don’t be afraid to leave us. It’s not only that the world can’t stand us, that’s because we can’t stand ourselves, and when we find someone who seems to perceive us as someone valuable and worthy of love, we need you to make us feel that way. It’s literally like a drug.
Yes, it’s a horrible feeling to feel "trapped" by a friend!
Thanks for posting and I’m glad you found this site helpful.
BEst,
Irene
im so sorry! sounds like prison. I have a male friend who is unbelievavbly needy and depressing that it makes me depressed listening to his constant whining and moaning. We used to be great mates and did everything together during school but now i just find him annoying and irritating and he expects that we should do everything together. Ive just made arrangments to see my girlfriend. (she’s at a seperate university to me) and he expects me to invite him up as well. (hes having sulk right now, and texted me this bizarre ranrt about how are friendship is not what it used to be!)
This week, I’ve decided just not too reply to his texts but he justs gets more and more angry! I feel paranoid turning on my phone in the morning because everyday hes texting me! he might actually be in love with me for all i know which would explain a lot! it’s like having my very own stalker! it sucks!
I’m glad i came accross this site because it means im not the only one out there with this problem. selfish i know, but it kind of gives me strengh to know there are other people in the same situation as me! We can get through this!
It certainly does! I’ve posted a response here: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/blog/when-frenemy-across-street-too-close-comfort
Hope it’s helpful
Irene
I have been friends with the most needy, self absorbed, delusional person for nearly 8 years now. This woman can be absolutely toxic at times to the point that I have panic attacks when I feel trapped into interacting with her lately. This has never really been a 50/50 sort of relationship. I tend to be a loner by choice and I’m quite content to be with my husband and 3 kids with minimal if any social interaction. My friend knows this but for some reason doesn’t understand that it not only applies to her but has been made worse by her. Of course, as these things go, I am her ONLY friend.
This is the balls to the walls bizarre part that has thrown this relationship into crazytown -she just MOVED from 3 states away and bought a house DIRECTLY across the street from mine 3 months ago. Yes, she’s 20 steps from my front door at nearly all times. My life has become a nightmare and now I’m completely trapped in this beyond ridiculous situation with a woman who treats me passive aggressively and is intensely critical of me. She involves herself in my life, unsolicitedly, and is completely obsessed with me. I feel stalked. I hardly, if ever, initiate contact but she’s always calling me to tell me that she is hungry or tired or bored or whatever meaningless b.s. is going on with her. She always acts as though her completely mundane activities should be my concern all the way down to her bowels. Yet at the very same time she is completely uninterested in how I feel or what I think about pretty much everything. Oh, except for fashion. That we can discuss ad nauseum during my forced weekly project runway viewing.
After three months of living as neighbors my “friend” now knows my daily schedule by heart and injects herself into my basic daily errands like shopping trips and jogging – rudely and forcefully – if necessary. She’ll decide that WE MUST make such and such for dinner TONIGHT and will not take no for an answer no matter what the heck is going on in my life at the moment. She’ll become literally hostile when I don’t comply as she expects me to. I eventually give in though sometimes it takes days for her to wear me down to a particular commitment, she’ll persist. I’m strong but this woman is crazy and I don’t stand a chance. She will not except anything but what she expects of me no matter how unreasonable it is or how I resist. I have yet to erect any meaningful or lasting boundaries in this relationship because she’s unbelievably mean and evil when things don’t go her way. She’s known for sending her military husband out like a rabid dog to crew out anyone who crosses her (of course, he’s a victim too -quite a delightful man actually, poor guy). She freaks the helk out causing havoc of all proportions when she gets called on ANYTHING. Literally. Anything.
I felt trapped before when she called me everyday from across the country now I don’t know what to do. She makes plans for me that she expects me to keep, calls me 5 sometimes 10 times a day and sends upwards of 20 texts -not to mention she finds ways to manipulate me into running errands with her or insist we take our kids to the park on her schedule. She guilts me into feeling sorry for her though I don’t, of course, she manipulates my behaviour by making it inconvenient for me to be noncompliant.
I love the life that my family and I had built here at our home of two years. She has nothing here but me and I have everything here but I need to get away from her. I cant just up and move away from my life, my family, my husbands job, kids school -everything. She may just follow me wherever we go anyway so the effort my be completely futile.
I feel absolutely helpless. Please, if you took the time to read this, take a moment to send a prayer or a positive thought my way. I could certainly use it.
hey im james and i have such a needy male friend! it’s destroying me!
we became really good friends in school and did a lot of things together, in retrospect he helped me out a lot and did a lot of favours for me at that time (however i have since learnt that i know him ‘owe’ him for everything he has done for me) a couple of months ago, i decided i wanted to end it. it was so mentally draining being his friend; have an argument, make up, argument, make up, it’s a vicious circle. So i told him i wanted to stop being so close to him and then he used the old trick in the book when he made me feel bad blah blah. A couple of days later he was texting me how is life is so shit and he needs me in his life. We met up and we agreed to try again. That was a mistake.
now it’s:
-Texts every bloody day (and if i dont text him then he gets angry at me0
-he moans and complains about how he hates life, and the next min hes completely fine
-I can’t go out with other people because he wants to know why i didnt invite him as well
-get’s furious when i can’t stay round his house
- when he’s drunk hes go’s crazy and angry and won’t let me out of his sight
-so demanding
jeezus, its killing me, just got a text rigth now – and he wants to see me! i cant be bothered to see you!! i have a life to live!!!! arrrghhh! …..anyway, im calm, im clam!
x
i kind of have a problem with this new friend of mine. i have known her for a year at school, on and off, and we have hung out together a couple of times. but this summer we decided to hang out together since both of us felt kind of bored. the thing is, i know she decided to become friends with me since she has a lot of problems going on and she needs a helping friend to talk to. i’m a very sympathetic person and so i was happy to listen to her and encourage her. but the thing is, it’s been a month now and it’s kinda getting tiring to me. most of the time she’s talking about herself and i feel like it’s too self-absorbed if I talk about any of my problems, which are i guess not THAT bad in comparison to her problems. Moreover, she keeps telling me how people in the past have left her since she was too much of a burden for them, and says it’s fine if I call it quits. I say it’s fine because a)I really like her and want to be her friend b) don’t want to hurt her feelings. But now that I think about it, I don’t know if I want to continue being friends with her. I feel like I’m not being assertive enough about myself and it’s developing into a one-sided relationship. Now that I really think about it, I have always been very passive with my friends and it’s THEM who called and reached out to me most of the time and who asked me for help. For some reason I feel guilty and pretentious asking for help, however small/big it is. Obviously there’s more to the story, but what do you think I should do?
Should I stick with this new friend and see how our relationship develops or just call it quits? Thanks for venting.
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Hi, I have a similar problem. A woman I met at work 4 years ago seemed really nice. We hit it off and would see each other outside of work. I must point out, however, that my husband does not care for her husband so much. They have nothing in common. Anyways, over one year ago, she went psycho on her daughter and her boyfriend. I was in the car with her and she started following them on the highway. All the while, she was yelling profanity and giving them the finger. She was speeding and pulling up next to them on the highway. I was so scared. I think that that is when I started to resent everything about her. She constantly has issues with her children, her brother, her mother and talks incessantly about it. I now realize why she has only two other friends – she probably drove all the others away. Another thing is that she purchased my husband’s best friend’s house and she had water in the basement. She ended up suing them and constantly badmouths them. My husband is upset because his relationship with his friend is for keeps. Anyways, last New Year’s eve, these friends were over at our house for supper and the phone rang. I did not recognize the number (I hardly pick up when I know it’s her) and picked up and it was her inquiring as to if, as she puts it, those ‘f……’ were at our house as they drove by and saw their truck. I immediately felt like she was invading my privacy. Furthermore, since January, I have had to deal with my Dad’s illness, his eventual passing in April, my mother-in-law’s illness and her imminent death, my mother’s dependency on me as well as a sister-in-law’s demands. I must point out that both my parents and in-laws live over one hour away from me and I must travel every weekend to be by their sides. I have tried on numerous occasions to explain to this friend that right now I am not able to give her what she needs. I am overwhelmed with everything in my life. She keeps e-mailing, calling and claiming that she cares about me and wishes that I would let her help me. I do not see this as caring but rather as needy. I have not asked for her help but rather her distance. Another thing she does is show up at my house unannounced, sometimes alone, sometimes with her husband. My husband and I are very private and do not appreciate this intrusion. If she shows up and I’m already in my pyjamas, I resent her so much. Also, if I decide to return her call (out of obligation), she assumes that she can just come over to my house instead. She stays past my bedtime and annoys me. The last straw was last week when she called and I did not pick up. She actually called another friend of mine and asked if she had heard anything from me as she was worried. She then e-mailed me and asked why I was not picking up the phone as she drove by the house and my car was there. I think that this borders on stalking. I wanted to tell her off right then and there but have to be diplomatic about it as we work in the same establishment. I e-mailed her back and again reiterated the stresses that I was currently under and that she would need to give me some time to sort things out. I felt like an enormous amount of stress had been lifted off my shoulders. However, I dread the eventual contacts that I will have to have with her. Has anyone ever experienced this?
I
Yes, I can relate to a lot of what I have been reading here. My situation is that I have a best friend who is really a kind person at heart, very kind. It’s just that her emotional needs can be sort of towering and definitely dominate the relationship. For instance, I may call her up and say, “Hello, how are you” and her reply can last 60 to 90 minutes (not an exchange, a monologue). She speaks of much unhappiness – health, finance, love life, family, etc. (She does work on these issues, however, which makes it easier to bear.)
When she asks me to talk about my life, I may get 5 minutes into sharing something with her, but then feel almost like I am talking into a void or dead space – and it kind of sucks the air out of the conversation. She can sound very down or despondent in these instances, and sometimes she suddenly needs to get off the phone. Other times, however, she is very supportive and allows for more space. So, it is the flip flop back and forth that makes things really difficult to navigate.
Usually I don’t mind these dynamics too much – just sometimes things can flare and become difficult. I’ve triend talking with her a couple times about it and it seems to improve for awhile. But then it reverts back. Any advice?
I am in a very similar situation but so far the difference is that my friend has not hit rock bottom ……yet. She has done some pretty terrible things over the years and I have tried to tell her that she is hurting me but she doesn’t get the message and after a few weeks goes back to her old tricks. It’s always about her. She is so needy. There is always some drama. And it has been going on now for about 15 years. She is almost like family except that my family are sick of me telling them how she has hurt me again. I think about moving away alot. At the moment she is not talking to me. For what reason, I do not know and like you, I am at the point of not caring. Just needed to vent!
Hello! As a person who has been through a similar situation, I must urge you to stand up for yourself! I’m very passive, and I seem to attract people like your friend. I’ve had so many friends that walked all over me and didn’t focus on my needs; it was like the friendship was entirely revolving around them and their problems. I wouldn’t say anything, and I’d hold it all in til I exploded and the friendship ended on bad terms. The offending friend was usually completely clueless that their behavior was selfish and overwhelming until I exploded. I know it’s hard, but you have to tell them firmly and kindly that their behavior is really upsetting to you and that you love her but you guys need to take a break, or that you want to be a friend, not a safety net/sounding board/punching bag, and that you are feeling neglected in your friendship. If she can’t take hearing you kindly sticking up for yourself or completely resists changing the dynamic to where it favors both of you and not just her, then at least you know you tried. People will only treat you the way you let them! I know I’m not a doctor or an expert, but I have noticed a pattern within my own experiences and experiences other people have with an overwhelming friend. Hope your friendship improves!
My friend and I have been best friends for 30+ years. I’ve always known she was high-drama, high-maintenance and very needy, but lately its just too much. I try to take into consideration that she has had alot of difficult situations the past few years – serious health issues, she divorced her first husband and then her new husband left her, she’s continually getting reprimanded at her job, she has financial issues, and she has few friends, if any, aside from me. She can be very manipulative. People are turned off by her behavior, so I’m basically it. During the past few months, cries every time I call and talks about committing suicide (she tried a few years ago and was hospitalized for a bit). Every conversation is about her and it is SO incredibly depressing to listen to. It’s emotionally and mentally draining. I listen, make suggestions and try to be compassionate, but after 8 months of this continual drama (not to mention the intermittent episodes from the past several years), I can’t take anymore. She always asks me to visit her, but my life is so busy right now. And because she dominates our conversations with her drama, she doesn’t seem to comprehend that I work a full-time job, I have a family at home to take care of, my parents have had health issues lately and I’ve spent most of time doing things for them when I’m not working and there are several other things going on right now that have made my life incredibly busy. And she acts like a neglected child, the victim once again, like I’m not making time for her when its my “duty” as her best friend. I suppose I COULD make some time, but to be honest… I’m so very tired of dealing with her. I’m tired of trying to continually talk her off the ledge, as bad as that sounds. She’s on antidepressants, she’s seeing a counselor but NOTHING is helping her (because in my opinion – she won’t help herself) and I just cannot do it anymore. I feel angry with her and I avoid her now so that I won’t say anything harsh to upset her. But I’m at the point of no longer caring. Ugh… thanks for letting me vent…
I am in a very similar situation! I also have a cousin who has been a great friend but is beginning to become very needy. If she was a friend I could avoid, the solution would be easy for me. However, my family is very close and hangs out at least once a week, and I don’t want to create a rift in the family. She is beginning to push me away with constant text messages, emails, phone calls, and requests to visit. I wouldn’t mind the messages, except they say things like, “I guess you don’t want to talk to me” if I don’t immediately repsond. I have a very busy life with a full-time job, a husband, and a 1-year old to take care of, so it is not easy to devote much time to texting or calling her. She is single with not many hobbies or other friends, so I think she relies on me to fulfill some of her needs.
Have you received any advice? Because I need some, too!!!
I have been best friends with one of my cousins for over 8 years. We were always sort of close, but when she got divorced and I was going through the death of my best friend, we really leaned on each other and became best friends. In hindsight, we may have replaced our old friends with each other. She lost a lot of friends in the divorce and I had lost my best friend. Things were great until about two years ago. When we first became friends, we would see each other when we were both free. It never felt like an obligation. Then a couple of years ago, we got into a routine where we would get together about twice a week since that is what our work schedule permitted. After a while, I started to notice that any time I made other plans on one of those days, she would get really upset and ask why I didn’t like being around her anymore. Even if it was just one afternoon out of the month! I would explain that there were things I needed to get done on at least one of my free days, and she would say, “Look, if you don’t want to hang out with me anymore, just tell me.” I would tell her I loved hanging out with her, but things got worse. One day she called me at work, and I hadn’t told her I was taking a vacation day that day. She called and yelled at me for not telling her, and then told me she needed to get friends that would treat her with enough respect to tell her if they don’t want to spend time with her anymore. Now she calls my work periodically to check and make sure I didn’t take off. She expects to be notified if I do take a day off because I must spend it with her. No matter how much I reassure her that I like being around her but I need some time to myself, she continues to take it personally. What’s really strange is that if she tells me she can’t do anything with me on one of the days we usually hang out and I say that it’s fine, she gets mad at me for not getting mad. She’ll say, “I guess you didn’t want to see me anyway.” She also now monopolizes most of the time we spend together, lectures me as if she’s my mother, complains about everything in her life and still gets mad if I don’t dedicate all my time to her. The only time we have any fun anymore is if we don’t talk for weeks (because one of us is out of the city or somebody has to work weekends a couple weeks in a row). Then when we talk next, she is really sweet and it’s like how it was when we first became friends. I don’t want to cut her out of my life, since I know we still have those fun times. I also can’t avoid her because she is part of my family and our family has a lot of get-togethers. But I can’t take the possessiveness anymore and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a family rift. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle a needy friend who is also a needy family member?
Wow, you could have been me a few months ago! My ex-best friend and I went through the same thing! I was single for most of my life and she was always the one to have relationships, and I was always happy for her (even though she went on and on about her boyfriend and didn’t want to talk about anything else)… then I finally got a wonderful boyfriend, and then she and her boyfriend broke up and it was like all he** broke loose! She depended on her boyfriend completely financially, so she was all of a sudden broke, homelss (living back with parents), alone, and hated that I was doing well in life, so I wasn’t able to ever talk to her about anything in my life because it would just remind her of how bad her life was. I got tons of suicidal texts and calls, which at first I would drop everything for, but after about six months to a year of those, it got tiresome… and she only wanted to hang out with me at bars and clubs so she could pick up more guys, and she refused to get therapy even though I pleaded with her to go. Every time the phone rang and it was her, my stomach started to turn in knots, and I was always feeling guilty about not being there for her enough, because nothing I did was ever enough for her. Anyway, long story short, or trying to make a long story shorter, I finally blew up at her two years after she and her boyfriend broke up and she was still acting like a victim and wanted everyone to coddle her and walk on eggshells around her (she had a very explosive and violent temper as well). After I talked to her about our friendship problems, she took no responsibility and told me I was a selfish friend and had been for around five years (that was shortly after I moved out of my parent’s house and started “growing up” and I think she felt left behind because she never really got out on her own). It was about what I expected from her… she was never one to really accept responsibility for her own actions.
So yeah, after the friendship ended, I still had (have) a huge void in my heart, and I didn’t like the way things ended. I miss her because she was one of the few people I had been friends with for many years (13 years) and I felt comfortable around her and she was creative and intelligent and was a caring person when she wanted to be, but at the same time, I know we can never be good friends again because she will always be too self-centered and dramatic for a person like me, and I’ve grown out of wanting to be around that all the time (we were better friends when we were both young and immature and more irrational). I love to listen and help people, but I also need friends who will listen to me too when I need them, and it was like she was always trying to “win” the competition of who had the worst life, so I could never go to her with problems because she would turn it around and talk about herself instead and how much worse her life was. I too dread bumping into her because we share common friends, but I’ll just smile and wave at her if I run into her, and go on with what I am doing. If she tries to reach out and be my friend again, I’ll have to tell her that even though she’s not a bad person, she’s not the right person for me to be friends with and I obviously couldn’t provide her with satisfactory friendship and so am not the right friend for her. If your friend tries to abuse you in public, just tell her that you have no desire to fight with her or hate her, just that you think you guys have outgrown your bond and do eachother more harm than good.
Anyway, it felt good to vent, too. Good luck!
I am so glad I found this website. I have ended a friendship of over 20 years. We were best friends. But about three years ago everything changed. I had started seen a man and the relationship was going well. I was studying abraod but still kept in contact with my friend. She was single and seemed happy that I had met someone nice. She always seemed so strong and independent. All of a sudden I started to get text messages at 3 and 4 am saying that men were assholes and why couldn’t she meet a nice guy. I reasured her she would meet some1 when the time was right and not to worry.
She met a guy but it ended badly. Then she went into a rebound relationship which ended quickly. When I came home for holidays she hounded me to go out. Id do out and she was obsessed with meeting a guy. I went back to college and soon she met someone and I barely heard from her. When I graduated and returned home she was on cloud nine. she talked about her boyfriend constantly, how great he was how he was her best freind, how she didn’t want to lose him… If i mentioned my boyfriend she would quickly change the subject back to hers. I didn’t see rnuch of her until all of a sudden things were going bad in her relationship and she was constantly texting and ringing for advice talking for an hour if i let her. I told her she was too needy and that was pushing him away. All of a sudden everything was wrong , her job, her family, her car, the list was endless. I tried to listen because I realised she was insecure and I wanted to help but it got to the stage where I couldn’t cope. I was having my own problems and I no knew I couldn’t help her. I suggested she see a professional but she said she was fine. I lost my job and was unemployed for a few months . i was very down but she just kept on moaning, constant calls, texts and coming to my house crying and talking for hours. I was emotionally drained.
Then she found out her boyfriend had cheated. She stayed with him but still used me to vent evertything. He eventually ended it and she lost it completely. I spent 4 months trying to help her. I then distanced myself from her as I cudn’t take any more. I eventually confronted her and told her that i couldn’t help anymore and she turned on me. She sent me reems of abusive texts. I was so hurt and didn’t even respond to her. I eventually changed my number after the abuse kept coming,
I still feel guilty that I couldn’t do anymore for her. Why do I feel guilty and will these feelings go away? I dread bumping into her as I can’t cope with any more abuse from her.
You definitely need to think about setting some better boundaries for this relationship with what sounds like a very needy guy. It’s admirable that you have outgrown being needy yourself but you still need to work to develop more balanced relationships, whether they are male or female.
Thanks so much for reading this Friendship Blog and taking the time to write.
Best Wishes,
Irene
I know the feeling.. .I really do…. i actually used to be one of these types of friends as a teenager.. Luckily I grew out of it and really realized that no one needs a clingy friend… I however, have been saddled with a friend that is ten times more needy than I’ve ever been… He always needs something… Time, help making a decision.. he’s lonely, bored, hungry, wants money… He is like this overwelming force… When we’re together he talks and talks and talks… He dominates the conversation to the point where he could easily talk for 30 min to an hour straight without anyone else getting a word in… It makes me feel exhausted
He used to call constantly. He does this to other people.. .You know they don’t want to answer because he calls 24/7.. It’s almost never urgent but he behaves as though it’s urgent. If he’s ever in real trouble, he’ll really be screwed..
I feel depressed because i know he’s depressed… i know he needs me… but I just can’t keep being that one person that comes every time he needs someone.. It’s exhausting..
It’s depressing… I definitely feel trapped and I’m tired of it..
I learnt the hard way from a Female Emotional Vampire. She was the “grand master”. Sucked all the positive energy in a hurricane. I’m just starting to recover from it. For months I kept thinking it was me – I was the one screwed up! But then I started to see massive sociopath patterns in her behaviour. I pulled out of the relationship as there was no way she could see what she was doing. Even turning up at my house at 2am because she had an argument with her husband.
She became a copy of me. Everything I was doing she started doing and trying to compete with me to be better. What a disturbed person. I don’t hate her, rather I feel sorry for her. But thank goodness I’m out of that bizarre relationship.
I have a similar relationship with a friend of mine. He’s a very emotional person, and has had a hard life, but wants to constantly be around me, emotionally as well as physically. I have a lot of people I like to hang out with, but he gets upset when I put off spending time with him to be with others. He always calls me his ‘best friend’, and I know it’s because I’ve taken the time and energy to talk and listen to him, but now it just sucks the life and soul out of me to have him feel like I should always be around him. I can tell he’s very depressed, and I don’t know what he’d do if I just stopped hanging out with him. It’s a hard friendship…
It doesn’t have to be all or none? Can you wean yourself off her slowly and start spending more time with other girls?
Hi I am 15 years old and my best friend is 16. I have just realized how needy she is. She is always asking for advice and support and simpathy. She has had this stomach problem for the longest time and she is always complaining! It drives me insane. And recently I have become friends with my ex bff and shhas not handled that well she never wants me alone with anyone but her and she is always needing reasurance that she is my beat friend and that she will never be replaced. I hate this and I know that I am getting nothing out of this friend ship but I can’t just leave her because we have been grinds for as long as I can remem
Hello!
I have a sort of odd situation. My best friend of almost 30 off & on years is very needy. I am constantly there for her on the telephone as she lives across the country. My problem is this……….she is very high drama. She always has a physical or emotional ailment that must be talked of incessantly. I’m okay with that though & I try to give her advice & listen. She asks for my help & I try. My problem now though is that she feels my advice is me being “superior.” This is SO painful as I am being asked for advice but now realize that she must not really want it. I don’t really get it. To be so there for her though & then be told that I’m a jerk for trying to help feels bad. She has said now that I am pointing out her character flaws instead of trying to help her. Huh? I adore her but this is beginning to feel like quicksand. After this happens she is all apologetic. We’ve noticed this cycle before & she has tried to stop complaining & asking for help but it always creeps back. I’ve never told her off over it so to be told off myself for trying to help is miserable. The difference too is that she would be there for me if I have a problem but I am SO anti-complaining from this whole experience that I never complain.
Ugh!
Thanks!
I think that you experiencing little bit of ‘healthy’ parania and not neediness.
Be honest and kindly say to your friend that you would like them to ‘Ring/Email you with all their news’, because you feel it’s always you calling him/her. If he/she doesn’t call you within a few weeks take it that you are not as important to them. Do your total best to look at those around you who love you and want to spend time with you. Get out there in the world and show it what you have got, because you only get one chance at life and man, wouldn’t it be a waste to think you spend most of it worrying over a friend not calling, rather than enjoying it with those who actually do!
I know from experience.
Please don’t wste your time on this your will feel much better in the long term.
Regards,
Anon.
I found this site after doing a web search for “needy friend”. I think I’m just looking for closure to a “friendship” that has thankfully ended. Why I put up with such a self-centered needy person for those few months is puzzling to me. The endless whining phone calls, the fear of this person of spending any time alone, the embarrassing social faux pas, it was all such a pain! This was unusual as it was a male friend who has many feminine qualities, I am a woman about 18 years older. Despite the fact that I made it clear that I wouldn’t date him, he was desperate to find a woman to replace his former dysfunctional relationship, and kept hoping to slide into the role of “boyfriend” in my life. When it became clear that he would never be anymore than a “girlfriend” to me, he disappeared!
I suppose I thought I could help him, and I had a curiosity about how anyone could be so needy and clueless.
The experiment became a social disaster for me, as I did not want to be associated with someone who behaved so poorly. What really pushed my tolerance to the limit was when he could not extend the same courtesy to a really good girlfriend of mine, that I had shown him (they were both beginning kayakers). Such is the way with the self-absorbed. I say “Ditch ‘em!”
Hi,
I’m a very independent person with very wonderful friends like me from my undergrad and an equally independent younger sister who is my healthiest best friend.
I have had several girls “crush” and become obsessively needy with me and I am used to the “training” process to ween them off me. In most cases, we remain friends, but they understand that I am NOT going to be their sister or soulmate in the way they want me to be.
This is my first year in grad school and I have a new needy friend. In this case, it is very hard to avoid her since we take the same train into school. After doing things with her (I like to go out and so does she..there aren’t many students who want to do anything after class) I got to know her, her friends, and her family. The peoplel whom she surrounds herself with are wonderful, intelligent, and independent people and we enjoy each others’ company. I even am having romantic feelings towards her cousin!
Though she now knows that I won’t be there for every phone call (I hate talking on the phone and frequently ignore her phone calls) and won’t give her ALL the gum ALL the train tickets and ALL the things she needs because she is not responsible, AND making other friends, she is starting to push harder about going out all the time. She whines when I tell her ‘no, I am with my family today’. After saying ‘no’, she frequently gets angry with me and gives me the silent treatment. I have no problem with this bc this childishness has no effect on me, but I do let her know that I do not tolerate that kind of behavior.
But it continues…Since we are in the same classes, we have the same days off, and I am getting tired of making up excuses. Usually, what I do has worked by now in a friendship.
What more can I do without losing her wonderful family?
Dear Anonymous:
See my reply posted on 11/30. Thanks for reading my blog and posting.
Best,
Irene
I am going through something like this, though not to the point of harrassing phone calls or anything. A friend of mine just moved back to my city after an absence of 3 or more years, with occasional visits. The place she lived was very isolated from the outside world and had a very different way of doing things (it was a Buddhist Abbey). During her absence we kept in touch via letters. Now that she is back she really “needs” me because she doesn’t have a lot of friends in our city and she is going through a tough time dealing with past abuse and transitioning from the Abbey. Everything she tells me seems like a huge deal, although to me it’s just like…she’s moving from one place to another and she should just deal with it. It was her decision. A lot of my life decisions have not worked out for me either, but I look at that as MY problem. I am always there for friends who need a receptive ear, but with her it seems different – she seems to want a deeper connection with me in her healing, that I am not comfortable with giving. Like she wants us to heal our traumas “together” and perhaps wants a shoulder to cry on – literally. I am not comfortable with this. I like to deal with my problems in my own way. I can go to my friends to talk to them if I have problems, but I would never ask them to do anything they are not comfortable with. I also don’t appreciate that when we get together, it’s always one of three things:
1. her talking about her problems, which I try to give her advice on, because I don’t know what else to say,
2. awkward silence
3. her asking about my life, but in a way which makes me think she doesn’t really care, and is just trying to make conversation to fill the silence.
Part of me thinks I am being a bad friend and blaming her because I don’t deal with my problems in the same way as she does, but at the same time, I know I can’t be there for her emotionally in the same way she wants me to be, and the thought of spending time with her makes me feel terrified.
Anyway, thanks for the article and for giving me a chance to vent.
A few months ago I met a woman and her daughter at a children’s event. We hit it off and even though her daughter is considerably younger than mine, we got together for a few playdates. The problem? She calls me everyday to complain about how hard it is to figure out naps and a feeding schedule for her daughter. At first I didn’t mind giving her advice, my daughter was nap resistant as well. But everday calls about the same subject is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to go off on her because her daughter don’t even act out or cry despite being overtired…. she is very mellow. Meanwhile, my daughter is hyperactive, I have an infant son and my husband has recently become unemployed . I think, ‘how come I can cope with all of this without wallowing, but her life is comparitively easy and she can’t even figure out a schedule for her child without daily support from me?’ She always says I’m one of her closest friends, that she appreciates me, values my advice, etc. I’m bewildered because we have only gotten together a few times…. and we’ve only known each other a few months? She has other friends, she apparently calls them for the same needs… she has even told me that one of her friends told her she is nuts, and doesn’t want to talk about naps anymore. I don’t feel very close to her, she is a bit abrasive and doesn’t really comment when I talk about me (which is not very often). What I want is a very casual friendship with no more than one call a week and a get together every few weeks.
What should I do?
Wow, I am glad that I found this post, I am going through a very similar “friendship” experience. You know, I think the problem with people like the one you are describing is that they always have “Drama” going on in their lives, so if you are waiting for a problem free time to extricate yourself, you may be waiting for a while. I was sort of pondering the same conundrum because my needy friend is being stalked by an abusive ex boyfriend, and so I get 5 calls a day of “why me, it’s not fair, etc.” Of course before that the problem was her mean ex-husband, and her boyfriend abusing her. She is the victim in everything that happens to her. Well, you know what, no amount of listening to these complaints is in reality going to solve these peoples problems either. People that are in those types of situations need counselling from a professional. At least therapists are paid and trained to do what they do. I guess that an interaction like the one you described is not a frinedship at all, it is more like giving away free counselling sessions. I am going to disengage myself from the friendship with this person myself, because I have already tried to explain to her that I can’t listen to her talk about her problems all the time, and it didn’t help at all. I think that if you don’t want to be drained emotionally, you could either try to set some boundaries by explaining your feelings, and if that doesn’t work there is nothing wrong with ceasing contact with this person. After all, you are not responsible for this persons problems, so you don’t owe her anything.
I have a friend that has had a very hard life, at first I felt like it wasn’t her fault, that all she needed was a good solid person to help ground her, but now I see that this is her personality, she is a victim and attracts abusers. I feel bad because I still feel like it’s not really her fault, she was going to a therapist and she would talk about all this improvement and the breakthroughs they would have and I hoped she would be able to change.
Now she has lost her insurance because of a stupid, preventable situation. I am so mad, we are students and I told her if she dropped that class she would get dropped from her insurance and she came up with excuse after excuse, the books were too expensive, her sick mother wouldn’t drive her to school (even though it takes 2 dollars and a little walking to get to school my bus.) Now she has no more therapy or medication that she is very dependent on. She seems to think there was no way she could have prevented this situation and when she says this I am screaming at her in my head that this is one of the stupidest things she has ever done and that she will never run out of excuses.
I have been trying to faze myself out of her life, I don’t contact her anymore, but I do respond when she contacts me. She has had a lot of deaths in her life (I now see because she attaches herself to people who live risky or dangerous lives) and she remembers them and has death anniversaries, no matter how long ago they died. She gets very upset for about 1-6 weeks for every one. I feel that she never dealt with their deaths when they passed so she remembers her pain every year. I feel like she will never be happy because so many people she ‘loves’ (she loves anyone who shows her attention, no matter how much they hurt her) live risky lives and die young.
She sees me as a special friend and wants me there on these death days because I help calm her (I may be her only ‘regular person’ friend, I’m assuming because other normal people see how messed up she is and stop being friend with her.) So I feel completely stuck to go to her house every month or two and take care of her the whole day while she tells me how much she loved this person and is sad that they are gone. I feel like I can’t refuse going because it is a very emotional time for her, but this is something that I no longer feel good about doing. It would be acceptable for a good reciprocating friendship to do once a year or so, but I feel like all I do is give and I don’t want to anymore. I just don’t know how to say no to this heavy favor she asks of me every once in a while. I respect death and the grieving process, but so many people she knows die from drug overdoses, spousal abuse, of health problems caused by reckless living.
Also, some people find email less obtrusive than phone calls. When you call someone you interrupt them. If someone doesn’t want to be interrupted—perhaps he’s studying—-he can return an email when he wants to.
If he never returns your emails, you’ll have to accep that he’s just not that into you
Best,
Irene
Hi,
Just an idea, but if I were you, I would keep calling but gradually make the calls farther and farther apart. He may be having a hard time adjusting at school and is having trouble reaching out, and he may look forward to your calls. BUT, he also may not care about the friendship as much as you do. Also, some people can only focus on a certain number of friends at a time and if he is trying to fit in at school, it may be all he can handle right now. This may also be an opportunity for you to get out and meet new people. Good luck!
I really feel bad for you. it sounds like your alot like me. i have a few friends( if thats what you wanna call them). I just answer the phone when i can and listen to them for a little bit and then i just say i have to get going and make up something. then i just avoid them until i have the extra time to listen to them. and if they do commit suicide its not your fault but i would feel stressed about it too. try to just avoid the person unless your at work with them just listen but try to avoid as much as possible outside of work. thats about the best advice i can think of. but im not that great at this stuff either.
LOL
good luck.
I am a guy who recently passed high school and happen to have friend who got a college far away from my place.We used to be great friends at school but we now remain connected through phone calls.Problem is it is almost always (actually always) me calling him.I have a feeling that i may be imposing myself a little too much.i call abt once in 2 weeks. am i being paranoid over this .I really want to stay in touch with this friend of mine as we have a lot in common.please help
Thank you so much! You are SO RIGHT about me needing to act!!!! I will let you know how it goes. I think I will be a much stronger person after this. I’ve written sort-of an outline of different points to bring up to her so I will be less likely to say angry things off the top of my head. I’m hoping to turn this negative situation positive and use it to help me to be more assertive in the future. I don’t want to have to go through this again!
p.s. I no longer work for her so that makes the situation much better.
Click here to see my response to your post. I hope it is helpful.
Best,
Irene
Hi Irene,
That post was useful! thanks
Hi Irene,
Thanks for the reply. It was prompt and I didn’t expect it… until I checked back here today.
Ironically, i mean, contrary to how you might perceive I am, I’m actually a very easy-going person with loads of friends. Close friends. Not hi-bye friends, as I am the sort who makes an attempt to keep in touch and engage with friends around me, meeting up regularly (say 1x a week or 1x every few months) with my different social circles all the time.
I am also actively engaged in school activities back as a student. In fact, I am a student leader, well-known for being confident. Recently, around a year ago, I’ve graduated from college and am in a career that I truly love, enjoy and really look forward to everyday.
i.e. I would say I am a healthy individual, confident and cheerful. I am also known for being energetic and enthusiastic in everything that I do.
I’ve spent the past month catching up with myself…. realised that I was spending too much time worrying for my best friend almost all the time as she is generally more pessimistic in nature due to her past records of depression… and I desperately wants to help but she would not let me to….. until the day when she finally let it off and that she found me being overly intrusive and she got tired of the way I care and was often overbearing and insensitive.
That’s when I was really upset and began wondering, before finally concluding that perhaps, i am the needy friend afterall.
And I got really guilty to realise that over the years, I did not manage to help her feel better in her situations and often contributed to her stress levels as I was overcaring… to the extent that sometimes I would pressurised her to take a bold step to get out of her pessimism. That sort of tension that surrounded us was really killing both of us.
Hence, took time off to re-think the situation, where I did not really bother to maintain contact for the past month and realised that I am ironically a lot happier and comfortable with myself as I no longer worry so much over my friend’s worries.
And today, my best friend asked me how am i doing over IM… My response was naturally lukewarm as I got used to just not keeping in touch with her over the months.
So my question now is really, was I the needy friend or was she the needy friend?
Does being too caring makes me a needy friend?
And that’s actually the kinda boundary that I meant to draw – to keep a distance with people who felt that I was overbearing, overcaring, etc.
Any advice on that?
Depression is a medical condition that is very treatable. Please find out where you can get help in your community. A good place to start is at http://www.dbsaliance.org/
Click here to see my reply.
Hope you find it helpful.
My best,
Irene
I have several girlfriends who seem needy to me. While we all go through difficult times, it seems they always have problems. I am unmarried, with a boyfriend who lives and hour away, I am running a business and my household and they have all of the support – husbands, children, family – which is great. But for some reason even with all this support they do not seem to have anyone to go to. I am essentially alone – which is fine and I get up everyday and do what I have to do. Every single time I talk to any of them they are always asking me to come visit or go out – one hour away driving from my home after Ive worked all day. I dont get it. It is really annoying and upsetting to me. I want these friends to be a part of my life not my whole life. One seems to think that I should hang out her place while she complains about her husband and yell at her two kids. The other wants me to sit with her while she – using her words “wallows” – she has nothing to wallow about – nothing bad has happened to her. I feel like these people have no problem always asking for something from me. I am tired of it.
Thanks Sue! Your posts and Irene’s advice have been very helpful to me!
no one likes me because im skinny and even though i eat quite a lot, i weigh practically nothing and im depressed because no one likee me
I can relate to this so well as my situation is very similar and I have also posted on here. My friend also threatened suicide which is awful and very worrying. I rang her parents and other friends and told them how she was feeling and I also told her that she needed to go to counselling. Does she have any family that you can contact. Encourage her to get out there and meet new people. I am not a counsellor this is just how I have dealt with it. Irene’s advise was very good.
I am in the middle of a bad friendship and am so grateful to have found this site. Thanks everyone! I am trying to find the courage to “cut down” on the friendship but I am a person who generally will hold things in and then explode. I did this to a friend in high school and still regret it and I never want to shout horrible things at a person again. This is one of the reasons that I have been putting off cutting down or ending this current friendship. But I have been praticing being assertive instead of aggressive and I hope this will help me in this situation.
My friend and I would see each other about twice a year and that was good. We would have fun and then I could get on with my life and spend time with the friends that I had more in common with. But, idiot me, I needed a job and she was able to offer me one. I then felt obligated to go out with her more. She was recently separated and didn’t have that many people to hang out with. I had nothing else really going on so I went. Since she only — and I really mean only — talks about herself ( I just realized that I can’t recall her ever asking anyone “How are you?”) I got tired of going out all the time pretty fast. I am a super fantastic listener and do not even need to talk about myself a whole lot to be happy. This post is the most I’ve “talked” about this situation to anyone. But when you tell someone something and they say “uh-huh, so anyway…” it makes you feel like a doormat. I have some very nice friends that I would love to spend more time with but I am so exhausted by this friend. I will actually daydream about the “real” conversations that I have with my other friends while this friend is telling me the same story for the tenth time. You remember those “real” conversations where one person says something while the other one listens and then the other person says something while the other person listens – Ah! the good old days!
So why, after a year, am I still a slave to the phone calls and “dropping-ins” . Well, first I just had to hang out with her when her boyfriend was out of town ( She has boundless energy and is easily bored, while I need ten hours a night!). I would say to myself “okay, he’ll be back and it’s just one night and she’s been going through hell with her ex-husband and needs a friend.” But it wouldn’t be one night because he would be gone for work for weeks at a time and so I was apparently suppossed to be his stand in.
At this point it was annoying but tolerable. Looking back (hindsight!!!) I should not have gone out with someone to have a tolerable time. Now I feel like I missed the chance to get out of this because she is in a worse state than she was before. I kept thinking that she needed me because her ex-husband was making things difficult with child custody and after she got out of this rough patch I could slowly make myself less available. Well, now her boyfriend suddenly dumps her and she is semi-suicidal. I told her that she should consider seeing a therapist and gave her the suicide prevention hotline number. She is still saying things about suicide. Now how am I supposed to tell a suicidal person that they are annoying the crap out of me?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated if anyone takes the time to read my ramblings.
Good luck everone!
Would Christ leave snippy anonymous e-mails to people who are just trying to do the best they can?
Thank you for listening. I feel so much better and I know that I played my part in this. I have cut many of the ties. I also explained how upset i felt when she said about me visiting my sister. This lead to quite an open conversation. I know that I need to set boundaries and I have now. I feel much happier because I felt I was turning in to a toxic friend through back stabbing. I think this is a really useful website.
Wow. This blog has definitely helped me realize what a needy person I am. I just wish I knew why. I’ve experienced my fair share of friends who required more than the usual amount of validation or coddling or praise, but tonight I was told that I am too dependent on people as well. Not just all people, but one person in particular. My good friend told me this tonight, and I admit that it is hard to hear. Especially since I can’t stand that kind of behavior. But even more than that, it is hard to hear because I have a great fear of losing people close to me. This fear isn’t typically that unreasonable, but I believe since I’ve lost a few close friends recently to death and other complications life brings, I’m more sensitive to the notion of losing friends. Somehow I’ve allowed myself to believe that I need to spend much more time than necessary with this person, and that’s not fair for anyone. I realize now that I’m always complaining or have something physically or emotionally wrong with me, and those things are draining to hear or see all the time. It’s good to be able to talk to friends about what’s going on in your life, but to an extent. To all you out there struggling with finding your own independence like I am, I suggest talking to a counselor once a week like I’m going to start doing. I’ve decided that I’m going to write everything going on in my life down so that I can keep my friends in the loop to an extent, but all the especially deep and emotional trials I’m going through at the time will be told to a counselor first so I can learn better how to cope on my own. It’s always good to have a strong support system of friends, sharing EQUALLY in all of life’s ups and downs. However, it’s also good to have that unbiased opinion from a professional and NEVER good to lay out all your problems to ONE friend. That’s too much for anyone person, and they have their own lives to deal with. What a night this has been! I’m so glad my friend was able to tell me about my neediness so I can start to remedy it. Thanks, friend
I thought I was being a horrible friend for feeling the way I did. I feel ten times better now that I know I’m not really at fault. My friend calls me every single day, and leaves really lengthy voicemails on my phone when I don’t answer. I’ll try to talk to her about things that are going on in my life, and she’ll listen, but as soon as I finish talking she’ll say something like “Oh, well the other day at work something really funny happened.” The thing I remember the most was the day I had to put my dog down I called her and asked her to go on a walk so I could talk about things. The entire time she talked about her ex-boyfriend, a guy she had broken up with a month before. I just want someone who will be my friend for once, and actually listen to me like I listen to them. I am tired of always being the one who listens and gives support. I want a friend who can catch ME when I fall.
Thank you so much. really needed to hear this. I’m so tired of feeling like i’m doing something wrong. Like I’m obligated to a draining friendship.
Hi Sue:
Thanks for sharing so much of your story with us. It sounds like you created a monster who ultimately began to feel like an unwanted appendage—instead of a friend.
You graciously allowed your friend to feel so comfortable intruding on your life that she could come and leave your home whenever she wanted, eat out of your refrigerator like it was her own, cry on your sofa, use you as an airport limo chauffeur, a house-sitter, dog-sitter and more.
At the same time, literally, she was so self-centered that you weren’t comfortable enough to tell her about your own needs and problems. I hope you recognize that this relationship was completely out-of-balance and that you failed to set boundaries ofen enough. You rarely had the guts to say no to her, even in response to the most unreasonable requests.
As you have already learned, you will never be able to satiate her needs. She sounds very controlling and manipulative…and her threats of suicide are the ultimate weapon she uses to control your behavior. You did the right thing by telling her family about her threats and suggesting that she get professional help. You learned, I’m sure, that you can lead a horse to water, but can’t make it drink.
OF COURSE: You have no responsibility to sacrifice your own life to be your friend’s keeper. You have every right to move on to more satisfying relationships. Cut loose now Sue, before you waste more time and emotion.
I hope you find this response empowering.
My best,
Irene
Hi:
You may have lost a friend but you certainly gained valuable insight into yourself and your fractured friendship.
My advice would be to work on yourself now so you can be a better friend next time around—whether with this friend or another one. It isn’t going to happen on it’s own. People tend to repeat the same toxic patterns in relationships over and over unless they find ways to change themselves.
I don’t know much about you but do you know why you were so dependent on a single individual? Do you have other satisfying relationships? How can you improve your self-confidence and ability to be a happy and independent person? Do you have a range of interests and involvements (e.g. work, hobbies, family) so that you are generally happy and engaged in life?
Given the magnitude of your loss, it’s normal to feel sad and depressed. With hindsight, you probably realize that you should have stepped back from the relationship a little bit when you first recognized you were demanding too much. It might have saved you from this problem.
Perhaps after a brief cooling off period, you can approach your lost friend again and develop a new type of relationship with her that is less intense and demanding. If not, you may have to move on to new relationships that are more balanced.
It’s very brave to admit that you feel responsible for a failed relationship—but you have no reason to feel like a criminal who has committed a crime. Remember that you were being the best friend you knew how to be at the time.
My best,
Irene
When I walked away i thought I sounded a real cow in my previous email. And that is how I feel a lot of the time. I cant be the friend that she wants – there 24 / 7. What I didnt say earlier was the visits began to take place all weekend. She even began to phone me and turn up at my sisters if I was there. She phoned me when I was at a very old friends bbq – someone that she didnt know and asked why hadnt she been invited. My ex husband, me and my son would go to rugby every sunday (my son played) and I told her this was family day as it was the only day we spent together. Every Sunday I would have missed calls / text messages saying how lonely and bored she was. She has other friends. She is more than capable of meeting people and joining a club. Is this emotional blackmail or am I truly a cow? She began to ask for lifts to airports – every holiday – Easter, summer, whitsun. It started off at our local airport – ok this was a 30 minute drive which was ok (and it also felt like a holiday for me) then because flights became cheaper she started asking for lifts to airports that was a 2 and a half our drive (one way!). Finally she asked for a lift to an airport 3 hours away and I said no. She would phone to go for a drink on a friday after work – lovely once in a while but if you say no – the sulks start. When she lived overseas – I looked after her house which was rented out. Free of charge, I found new tenants and sorted out deposits, checks. When she asked if my boyfriend would change the locks and mend some things – I said no – enough was enough. And she was the first to say to me – I have used up all my favours for a while! She has said that a few times and she is right – but its starting again – I can feel it. (looking after her dog). I already look after my sisters dog – I dont want to look after another dog. There hard work! I dont know what to do. In the past she has threatened suicide – I phoned her mum because I was so worried. I dont know anymore how to be a good friend to her because it drains me, if I am not careful it invades my thoughts and can make me begin to feel down in the dumps. On several occasions I have asked her to see a doctor / counsellor. Am I selfish to say that I want to start living my own life? My son is a beautiful 19 year old and I had him when I was 19. I would like to start now living my life surrounded by friends that I have neglected in the past and feel happy and positive with. Thanks for listening xxx
WOW. I thought I was alone and could see myself turning in to a toxic friend because I am so disgruntled by our friendship I have started to moan to my partner and sister. I have known my friend for 10 years and along the way we had some really good times. I was always a shoulder to cry on over boyfriends, the fact she had no family locally and no friends. I introduced her to friends and she settled down and made her home here. Then she began turning up and staying for hours, going in to the kitchen and helping herself to meals,. My husband and I were going through a bad patch and another relationship of hers broke down. She came round to mine and I just knew I could not handle it – I almost felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. She was lying on my sofa crying, I know this sounds harsh but i couldnt cope my husband was having any affair and maybe I should have shared this with her but I didnt want to so I asked her to go to her sisters. This is thrown in my face when she is drunk that i “threw her out of my house”. I didnt I phoned her sister to say she was on her way (admitteldy 3 hour drive) and I phoned her repeatedly. Eventually I divorced my husband and she moved abroad. And I am ashamed to say I felt relief. I didnt have to feel guilty that I was throwing her out of the house – if it was11 pm and I wanted to go bed. But then the phonecalls started I was supposed to be her rock and I was letting her down. She was lonely. I phoned her sister and another friend they didnt visit but it is me that has it thrown in my face how I let her down. She has now moved back in to town and it has started again! I saw her a week ago. She came to my house this week and when she is drunk she says I have no time for her, I go to my sisters more than hers, her boyfriend is getting on her nerves, his son is getting on her nerves, she wants a baby, she has no family here. It feels good to get this off my chest and I know I probably sound a cow but I am at the end of my tether. And now she wants me to look after her dog when she is away!
Stumbled upon this website by chance and, it’s been a great help to me…. to understand where it had all gone wrong.
Contrary to everyone writing here, I guess my stance is different, as I have decided to formally acknowledge myself as the one who is probably more needy in the friendship with my best friend.
After reading this advisory entry, it made me realised that perhaps my neediness had overwhelmed this great bond and support which had been shared with my best friend of 6 years since high school. I am like a stone on her neck. The best part is we are both always aware of the situation….. she had never gave up. There’re many times where I feel really bad for being such a pain in her life. Anger, frustration within… the desperation to get out of her life, cut loose, had not worked well. Somehow, we desperately tries to hold on to each other for reasons we cannot quite figure out either.
Perhaps it’s habitual. We are just used to and resigned to my neediness.
However, the time bomb finally ticked. My best friend and the emotional support over the years had decided to cut loose on me.
I’m not sure, as a needy friend, the bad persona in a friendship, has the rights to feel sad or depressed…. somehow, it seems like we are the guilty ones who are not given the rights to feel depressed, upset…. So, at this very moment, I’m telling myself that I have to move on and learn to set boundaries, not to repeat these neediness ever again… to hurt anyone else or myself again..
Just a note to everyone who has a needy friend: Not all needy friends are unaware of their behaviour. Very often, we are people who are just upset and am terribly sorry for imposing and inconveniencing you, the giver, in the relationship. We desperately wants to get out of being needy and imposing on you…. but it’s just so difficult because it had became a situation where your niceties and warmth demonstrated to our neediness made us became dependent and it is too late too get out…. and we wait for you to cut us loose.
Some puts up a tough fight, react negatively when you cut loose. There’re some, who, like me, remain stoic and dwell in our wrongdoings, like a criminal found guilty of ruining your life… praying for your forgiveness.
For now, the situation between my best friend and i is one of silence, cordial and formalities. It hurts and pricks but I told myself that I deserve it and I put no fight to try to win back the trust, un-do the hurt……
To all the needy friends out there, recognising your problem of being needy and desperately wants to get out of it to become a better friend next time round…. be strong and move on graciously – it’s our last ticket to redemption.
Dear Irene,
thank you for your comment. i really appreciate your insight and support on this.
kindest regards
munroe68
This site has been a real help to me. As a woman I think we gear ourselves to try and help those around us. I am in the middle of a realtionship with a ‘needy’ friend. Her husband is never good enough (tho he tries!) Always yelling at her children (tho they try!) and complaining to me all the while. The kind of person who ALWAYS asks for some sort of favor when you see them, childcare, to borrow stuff etc.. She asked if she could store around 2 bags of yarn in my garage and showed uo with 20, 30 gallon garbage bags full. It is causing stress between my husband and myself (we typically have a great realtionship) and my chidren. If I don’t answer her phone calls (there are MANY during the day) she usually shows up at my house. My husband calls her an emotional vampire who sucking all my energy away. I have started saying no to her (the last favor she asked of me, when I said I didn’t have time she started to yell!) but I stuck to it and will try to continue to do so. It’s hard though- because I have to see her at the kids school- but I just need to stay strong and do what’s best for my family first.
It’s great that you gained insight into how one-sided your friendship was beginning to feel. Often people get caught up in toxic friendships and either don’t recognize them for what they are or can’t find a way out.
Cutting loose took a great deal of courage—I hope you will find more rewarding friendships to fill the void left by the loss of this one.
My best,
Irene
The other day a past friend contacted me to let me know she wanted to resume a friendship that had gone sour. having read many articles from this website i realised that i was not alone and that she had always felt like a ball and chain around my neck and was the beginning of the final straw for me. i had always felt emotionally drained and scared of her mood swings . it was always black or white, if we could not meet out for a social gathering or if we were too tired and wanted to head back home she would be so annoyed. if something was said that she did not like her face would drop and she would make it clear she was annoyed with you. it was always her ways or no way and if she did something for us, we were always made to know that she went out of her way. the hardest to swallow was how she used information to manipulate facts and play one against the other and the tears that followed to convince you that she did not mean what she had said and to gain you sympathy became unconvincing in the end and all too familiar . it was too much! and very difficult to sustain. especially when she would question you to gain information. i did not argue or confront her as i am not comfortable with that but i began to slowly cut off regular contact and not make myself available, hoping she would get the hint and move on. often people would ask how i could be friends with someone who was so moody and difficult to read or understand, i always defended her and found some compassion but i think deep down , i also felt the same way. she has tried a few times to catch up and apologise but i just couldn’t do it, i simply did not have the heart to invest any more of myself. end of story. i wished her well and asked for peace. it made me feel terrible but i just couldn’t go through with catching up again.
Dear Anonymous:
Perhaps this post will offer some other thoughts. A pastoral counselor can also lead an overwhelmed friend or depressed individual in the right direction.
http://www.fracturedfriendships.com/blog/psych-101-when-a-close-friend-depressed
Best,
Irene
That’s right! What a burden. Don’t answer the phone! It’s too much! Those needy people! That precious hour is too much. Especially for a family member. Definitely your friendship can’t help. Don’t let them bring you down. You won’t make a difference in their life. You need to dump that person right away! That’s what Christ would do.
Yep. delete her! Don’t answer the phone. You need to think about yourself and what a burden this needy person is. That’s what Christ would do.
This article was great . I was feeling very guilty about trying to let go of a needy friend and now I know it is ok to feel this way . I was very lucky though my friend left the state so I didnt have to actually let go . so we are still sorta friends I mean she is still on my my space but I dont call her or anything I did felt guilty about not calling her but now I feel better reading this article. I now know I dont have to call her . the only problem is with her being on my myspace it freaks me out a lil because I know she examines my profile my pics my comments always checking if I added knew friends . I know this because she would basicly tell me she would say things like who is that you added or things about comments friends left . I find this totally freaky . I wish i could delete her but she would make so much trouble its not worth it . anyways thanks for posting this article
After searching for an hour I have finally found a site that explains my friend that has recently moved in. She appaulogizes 5-10 times for everything she does, just to hear that she has done nothing wrong. She is constantly trying to “validate” her thoughts of others and always needs a shoulder to cry on. I am starting to get really fustrated with her and angry everytime she does any of those “needy” things. I even went as far to call her on this behaviour, but that backfired and she got nasty and ill-tempured. She even tries to get emotional gratificaton from my two children, shes always giving them kisses and asking if they love her, AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. This article has shown me that just because I felt sorry for her and invited her into my home doesnt mean I should feel guilty asking her to go and leave me and my kids alone. Almost feels like she thinks shes a replacement for their mother.
It must have been very difficult to end this relationship because you sound like a very sympathetic and supportive person. And how disappointed you must have felt to be betrayed afterwards. I’m glad that you have emerged whole and realize that had to do with “her” and not you.
Thanks so much for sharing your post! I am sure other readers will benefit from it.
My best,
Irene
I had a friend who I met just before she lost her mother. Her family had disowned her for some reason and I felt sorry for her when her mum died. She stuck to her boyfriend like glue and didn’t have any other friends. She started to become dependent on me – this went on for 3 years. She’d cry all the time which made me feel sorry for her. She’d be ill all the time or have accidents in the house and bruise herself. She’d email and text me numerous times a day but wouldn’t socialise with any of my friends. Her boyfriend made friends with mine and they became close mates. I started to get really depressed and felt drained and exhausted because of her neediness. When I told her I’d had enough of her and that we were too different for our friendship to work she turned nasty. Everything bad she could possibly think of she sent me via email – attacking my appearance, my personality, my family – I’ve never come across nastiness like it. She even told me that my fiance had slept with someone else. I wish I had not given her 3 years of friendship. My fiance still sees her boyfriend but I have cut loose and feel great. I would warn anyone to please be careful – if you have a friend who starts to make you feel guilty or suffocated it’s best to either cut the friendship down a bit or cut it out altogether. No-one has the right to make you feel emotionally drained or depressed. Ditching this person is the best thing I ever did and the rest of my friendships are now flourishing without this heavy stone round my neck.
Dear Anonymous:
Nothing pleases a writer more than writing something that is meaningful to a reader.
You are definitely not alone in having to dump someone who is overly dependent on you. And no matter how many times it happens, it’s never easy.
Just remember that a toxic relationship is too draining to sustain over the long-term.
My best,
Irene
This article is exactly what I needed. I think I fit the third criteria, where I was feeling sorry for my needy friend and I felt bad for not wanting to hang out with her anymore. She called everyday and wanted to talk for an hour about her life, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Thank you for your article. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has been in this situation.