A woman feels violated when her roommate and friend reads her private messages.
I’ve known a girl for four years whom I met at University. We’ve been through a lot together including a difficult year in industry. We’ve classified each other as best friends (although there’s another girl, admittedly, to whom I feel closer than I do to her.
Recently this girl who I’ve known for four years went onto my private messages between my boyfriend and me, and got very angry over what she saw. I had been upset with her and had vented to him. Some ugly things were said, which I never dreamt she would see. She then turned around and ambushed me unexpectedly and left things on bad terms before the holidays.
I’ve contacted her trying to meet up to sort it out but as time has passed, it seems this situation is no longer about the messages but about my boyfriend and how he “brings out the worst in me.” My relationship with him isn’t smooth but it’s a man I love. She also decided that I hadn’t tried hard enough to patch things up with her and believes I don’t care about our friendship.
I’m going back to University in two days and I live with this girl. I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that she invaded my privacy, lied to me about it, ambushed me, told other people about it and took pictures of my conversation with my boyfriend… and then proceeded to get annoyed at me for not trying hard enough. I now feel like the one who’s been betrayed. I only have four months left at school…but I don’t know whether to salvage or make amends, or leave our relationship on acquaintance terms.
This is a tough situation, made tougher because you and your friend are living together. I’m sure to want to create a living environment that is as conflict-free as possible rather than allow misunderstandings to fester and interfere with your studies.
It was wrong of your friend to invade your privacy by reading your phone messages and sharing them with other people. Even if she doesn’t think your relationship with your boyfriend is a healthy one, she shouldn’t have shared her concerns (or your messages) with your mutual friends.
Now that some time has elapsed and tempers have cooled off, you and your friend need to talk and reach agreement on mutual expectations/responsibilities for living together for the remainder of the school year.
- You need to agree to respect each other’s privacy.
- You need to try to communicate with each other when problems arise (rather than vent to friends).
- Even if your friend doesn’t like your boyfriend or think he is good for you, she needs to understand it is your decision to make, not hers. You may want to agree on some “house rules” for his visits and those of other guests.
It’s unlikely you will ever feel as close with this friend as you once did but, hopefully, you’ll be able to remain on good terms as roommates.
Hope this helps.
Previously on The Friendship Blog:
Category: Disappointing friends