• Keeping Friends

My friend turned down the invitation to my son’s wedding

September 11, 2016 | By | 7 Replies Continue Reading
Having been turned down, a woman asks how can she go forward?

QUESTION

Hi,

One of my best friends turned down our invitation and is not going to my son’s wedding—for no good reason. We have just attended her son’s wedding two months ago in which my son was a groomsman. Her son will be a groomsman in my son’s wedding, too.

We have been friends for 15 years. I know it is not financial as they just bought a new car, go to numerous weddings and are planning a trip to visit friends out of state which involves flying.

I have a feeling it’s her husband that does not want to go for whatever reason but my friend has given me no explanation. I feel she will just give a lame excuse and does not consider how badly my feelings are hurt.

She has many friends and is very social. I would never have missed her son’s wedding, as both of our sons are very close. I know this will affect our relationship going forward and not sure how to proceed. Please advise how to handle this. Thank you!

Marcie

ANSWER

Hi Marcie,

Congratulations on your son’s upcoming wedding. Milestones like this don’t come around too often so I understand your disappointment that your good friend turned down your invitation and won’t be there to share the day with you.

Although she hasn’t explained the reason(s), I’m sure your friend didn’t make this decision lightly. If it has to do with her husband and it was his decision, she may feel as if she doesn’t want to betray him by telling you that. Alternatively, there may be a host of other reasons, totally unrelated to you, that led to her decision.

I would simply say something like this to her:

“I’m very disappointed but I know you must have a very good reason.”

This would open the door for her to add further explanation if she feels comfortable doing so. If she doesn’t and she’s a good friend, try to forgive her. Don’t let it interfere with your enjoyment of the wedding day. I think your friend is likely to feel as badly about this as you do.

Hope this helps!

Best, Irene

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Category: KEEPING FRIENDS

Comments (7)

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  1. lottie says:

    This so called best friend has shown she isn’t so I wouldn’t persue any more explanations,unless she volunteers to give a reason,then you can feel differently towards her. If she sends a gift then give her a piece of wedding cake.That could at least make her open up,cake or no cake. Like previously stated it is not your business why they are not coming.What if it is a insulting comment she comes out with,it will hurt you even more.If you continue to antagonise her for reasons, it could be embarrassing and the nearer you get to the wedding the more it might pray on your mind. Leave it be and see what happens and enjoy the day. Take care, simple words can cause a terrible rift you do not need.
    Good luck .Lottie

    Make sure you give her some cake.

  2. Susan M. says:

    After 20 years, my best friend and I departed ways. She had always admired my son, and they interacted in a very positive manner over all of those years. She watched him grow up! My former, best friend and I (now) touch base, from – to -time. She saw on FB that my son had become engaged. She then exclaimed in the comments that she wanted to see the invitations! My son and his bride-to-be, sent one to her. Not only did she not acknowledge it, but she (also) did not bother to send them a congratulatory card. We are talking about someone, who makes gorgeous, greeting cards by hand. I eventually, asked my son, if she had sent them a card or a gift. In a very disappointed tone, he told me that she had not. I, then realized that, she had, literally, wanted to SEE the invitations. Some times there is just no accounting for another person’s intentions. Since the two of us were no longer best friends, I let this go. I realize, that in your case, you still wants answers. You deserve them. How did your son react to things?

    • lottie says:

      Disgraceful behaviour considering she makes cards. Probably wanted some handy hints,or did she expect to be asked to make the cards? Best thing to do “let it go”.

      A gift or some acknowledgement is the polite way to keep friends.It is surprising how different situations show “friends” in their true colours.

      I stand by what I said to Marcie . Best wishes Lottie

  3. lottie says:

    Have you given this friend plenty of notice about the wedding?

    Just because you treat her as a best friend doesn’t mean you are one of her best friends. I have said this on many occassions. Ok you have been friends for years,it doesn’t make any difference. Just because they have a new car doesn’t mean they are cash rich,it could be on credit.They might have a whooping tax bill!! They are going to lots of weddings and on holiday. Maybe they have or her husband has said enough we can’t keep flashing our cash. Weddings don’t come cheap as you well know.

    People can get blinded by what they think others have when actually it could be quite the opposite. An old saying is “Fur coat no knickers or red hat no drawers or don’t judge a book by its cover !!! They all mean the same. Please do not be offended by her decline. You never know they might send a beautiful gift,now that would give immense pleasure wouldn’t it? Try to switch off what you think they should have said or done.No means no.It would be quite rude to persue or ask for an explanation.The reason is actually non of your business.You value her friendship so don’t demand any reasons.Save any song and dance show downs, do that at the wedding.

    Have a wonderful time and if anything give her a piece of cake. Enjoy the wedding. Best wishes Lottie

  4. Liz says:

    This is very hurtful and I would be upset also! I’m wondering if something happened at her son’s wedding, even over drama in the wedding party. You may never know, unless she tells you. So I’d give her a chance to speak about it, if she doesn’t then there is not much that you can do. If you feel very brave or that taking the chance is worth it – come right out and ask her what is going on.

    If she can’t come clean about it, downgrade to acquaintance and be polite but distant. There could be something else going on that doesn’t even involve you. Best wishes to you and I hope that it all ends up working out.

  5. LauraSL says:

    She’s a big girl, and if it’s because of her husband, she could attend herself. If she’s that good of a friend, she owes you an explanation. This is very hurtful and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Please let us know what happens.

    • Aila says:

      Marcie, I agree with LauraSL. If this woman really is one of your best friends she owes you an explanation. This is no way to treat a friend. I hope her hurtful behavior doesn’t put a damper on your son’s wedding for you.

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