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My friend suddenly shut me out of her life

September 11, 2010 | By | 359 Replies Continue Reading
When you just can’t understand, sometimes it’s prudent to ask.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a friend that I felt was my best friend. She was in my wedding and we were pretty much attached at the hip. She called me a couple times a day, texted me, hung out with me or talked to me online (Facebook, AIM) almost every day.

Her grandmother died of cancer almost a year ago now. My husband and I were the only ones out of our mutual friends that were at the funeral and wake with her and her family the whole time. My husband actually was laid off the next day from work because he took the day off to be with her. Ever since then she has shut us out, she hasn’t called, text, come over, or talked to me when she is online.

I see her when we go out with mutual friends sometimes and this is when she talks to us as if nothing has happened. She says she’s been busy, but she goes out every other day with a couple of our mutual friends. Do you know why all of a sudden she would shut me out? I do not understand how you can get close to someone and then just stop talking to them and then say that you have been too busy when your clearly not to other friends. I would appreciate any kind of advice you can give. Thank you!!

Signed, Kelly

ANSWER

Dear Kelly,

Yes, this is an odd situation. It sounds like your friend dropped you like a hot potato so something must have happened that upset her. Have you explicitly asked her privately, when you’re not with other friends, if you did something to offend her?

Another thought: Did you tell her that your husband lost his job because he took off from work to attend the funeral? If so, I could see how that might have upset her. It is unfortunate that it happened but it was his decision to attend and be with her and you, not hers.

You are absolutely correct in thinking there is something you don’t know. The only way to find out is to ask. Otherwise, you will likely remain as distant as you are now.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

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Category: RESOLVING PROBLEMS

Comments (359)

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  1. That Girl says:

    Hi,

    My friend and I have only been friends for almost 2 years. I really consider her my best friend. I never really have any close friends since I move a lot. Every year when I change class, I’d get myself a new so-called close friend from that class. Somehow all of those friends became acquaintance after we change class again the following year.

    This friend and I met last year when we were in the same class in sec school. Under the new system, we will be in same class for 2 years. She and I became close as we share the same sense of humour. We got some rough patches at first when she told me about her depression and self-harming. I didn’t believe her at first because I got some trust issue, so there was a time she was really on the verge because of me. I tried to solve that problem too. It seemed to work, but it was not until now that I noticed how much she changed after she came back from the mental hospital. The doctor said she would be ok if she takes her med.

    When I first met her, she was this caring human being. One who was charming, sweet, had a great sense of humour. Everyone knew her. She was friendly and kind to everyone. I admired her for that, because I could not do the same. Trust issue. She never judged me for that, even though I’m extremely judgemental. Instead, she would try to understand me, as I try to do for her.

    After she came back though, she seemed fine for a while ,with me I worrying about her. Still do. She used to have attacks and I try to be her support when she does. I was there throughout the process of her getting better. But as she get better, her attitude gets negative. She started to ditch us (group of friends) for her online friends. She would make plans and cancel it with some lame repeated excuses. She would tell me about her day, the stuff she’s watching, her cosplays… when we text, but when I get started on mine, she would not reply. She did not reply unless she was interested in the subject or was involved. When we talk, she talks a lot about herself, but when I said something that does not concern her, she would either gives me a ‘K’, or not listen, or cut me off by speaking in gibberish until I stop talking. Sometimes, she would command our mutual friends to go to her when I was talking to them. Just recently, she told me to “stop expecting people to care about you”. She got herself a new replacement for me too, one of our mutual friends. Now, when I talk when we go home, she would not talk to me unless I start the conversation. She would also say goodbye to me even though neither her subway nor mine have arrived, an go back to using her phone and ignore me. The most frustrating thing that I don’t want to say anything to trigger her because of the depression mentioned above. I’m going through some rough things at home myself, but whenever I want to share, she gives me a ‘K’ and goes back to her universe. I understand maybe my problems are not as serious as hers, but friends should sometimes listen right? (Coming from a person changing friends every year)

    What should I do with her? Am I in the wrong? I know I should be understanding, but listening to someone else’s life 24/7 is tiring, and I have my own crap to deal with.

  2. sita says:

    Thanks for your replies,that sure helps and now I have another friend ,a neighbor who has recently taken a flat in our building .She is of this nature ,that she only speaks about herself and her family in high regards but does not give me a chance to talk about mine in return

    When I make an attempt to say something about my son or my work,she imemdiately switches the topic to irrelevant things .Also she keeps saying that she is very popular and has lots of friends ,her kids are the best ,her job is the best etc etc that I cannot take it more than a limit .
    How should I deal with her

    Thanks in advance

    • Massana says:

      This person sounds like they have narcissistic tendencies. Conversation and friendship is a two-way street… it sounds like this person is trying to divert it to a one-way street. I’d avoid this person at all costs. A person who truly cares about you will be interested in what you think and what you say and want you to speak. If she is cutting you off and doing all the talking, she is only interested in an audience. This is a HUGE red flag and it doesn’t bode well for the friendship.

  3. She17 says:

    Kelly, I could be the very friend that you describe in your post. My mother died less than a year ago and I had a friend who attended the funeral. She is the kind of person who does what she thinks you want and would be quite hurt if you told her that this wasn’t what was needed. When I think about it, it was nice that she attended the funeral but it was a time that I wanted to bury my mother so her attendance wasn’t even on my radar, I had more important things to worry about. To have voiced my thoughts would have meant she would have been hurt and then it would have all have been about her, when it was supposed to be about my mother.

    My most recent insensitive moment from her was an email a few weeks back she sent to a group of us saying she couldn’t attend a planned gathering as it was due to be held on mothers day, she signed off her email by saying “..not sure if that effects anyone else or just me?” My mother hasn’t been gone a year yet and this would have been the first mothers day without her. I would most probably say that out of all the people that received the email i would have been the one that would have been well aware what day mothers day was this year. Needleless to say out of the 8 people that received the email none of them felt able to reply directly to it, they were quite shocked by its tone. That email was sent over a month ago and the next communication from that person has been a “fancy a catch up” text. I haven’t engaged with that person since that email and there is apparently no realisation on her behalf that maybe her email was at best badly phrased. I have replied saying I’m busy but can talk on the phone, which apparently isn’t good enough for her!

    It took something as important as my mother passing to realise that life is too short to put up with someone else’s (repeated) insensitivity. I feel emotional drained and don’t want to have to point out what she has done so now I am in the process of distancing myself so she wont have the opportunity to do it again. Maybe like you Kelly, she will eventually realise that she may have contributed to this distancing and maybe by the time she does I may be willing to try and rebuild the friendship, but I’m not holding out for this. She is not a horrible person but when you have a life changing event something you were willing to overlook before can soon become intolerable and you are not willing to suffer it any more. I have changed, maybe your friend has too, maybe you need to change if you want to get back your friendship?

  4. Sita says:

    I have been observing a certain pattern with my friend.She is in another country and we are pretty close.However I find her sometimes very close to me and sometimes so distant and aloof.There are periods when she constantly messages me to say that she misses me and she makes all sorts of programs when I visit her,so on and so forth.There are other times when she suddenly becomes aloof and when I message also her replies will be crisp,one word answers.
    I am unable to come to terms with this kind of behaviour from her.What could be the reason and what should I do in this case
    Waiting to have your comments

    • Darlene says:

      I have had a few friends who behaved inconsistently like your friend. While frustrating, you friend is probably preoccupied with something at times. Why not have a gentle conversation about this? Maybe mention that it’s a little uncomfortable for you and you are curious about what the reasons might be.

      Another option is to accept this as a peculiarity of this friend, it sounds as if she does care about you.

    • Lauren says:

      Hi Sita,
      Don’t forget about the international time table.Maybe when you WhatsApp her, message her,etc, it’s actually in the middle of the night where she lives, then she has to dash off to work/school the next day and so it takes time to get back to you. Don’t forget that ppl have busy lives. So stay cool and don’t read too much into it. Enjoy your friendship, and don’t forget about her timetable.
      Best wishes to you.

  5. kshitij says:

    Hey… I just came across this blog and I also have a problem
    Seems like you can help
    I have a best friend
    .it’s been three years now
    A guy from her college proposed her
    I was perfectly OK with it.
    I updated a status “best friends never propose each other but they feel sad when either of them gets commited.”
    She thinks I am narrow minded.i am really sorry for everything.
    I didn’t know she was gonna feel bad about it.
    She took it seriously and thinks I miss possessive for her
    She is not talking to me since then.
    How is that can I clear the misunderstandings.
    I apologised but she’s not ready to accept my apology.
    Please help me.

    • Clara says:

      Most friendships have disagreements and misunderstandings. If your friend is the type of friend who is quickly hot tempered, then you should wait for her to cool down. If she’s the type of friend who really was hurt by what you said, then you should take time to slowly let her realize that you were not throwing any dirt at her for your facebook status. What you said in your status is true, in my opinion, but it doesn’t mean that you aren’t happy for her, right? I think with some time, you two can make it up again, as it it just a misunderstanding and you meant no harm.

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