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My friend suddenly shut me out of her life

September 11, 2010 | By | 250 Replies Continue Reading
When you just can’t understand, sometimes it’s prudent to ask.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have a friend that I felt was my best friend. She was in my wedding and we were pretty much attached at the hip. She called me a couple times a day, texted me, hung out with me or talked to me online (Facebook, AIM) almost every day.

Her grandmother died of cancer almost a year ago now. My husband and I were the only ones out of our mutual friends that were at the funeral and wake with her and her family the whole time. My husband actually was laid off the next day from work because he took the day off to be with her. Ever since then she has shut us out, she hasn’t called, text, come over, or talked to me when she is online.

I see her when we go out with mutual friends sometimes and this is when she talks to us as if nothing has happened. She says she’s been busy, but she goes out every other day with a couple of our mutual friends. Do you know why all of a sudden she would shut me out? I do not understand how you can get close to someone and then just stop talking to them and then say that you have been too busy when your clearly not to other friends. I would appreciate any kind of advice you can give. Thank you!!

Signed, Kelly

ANSWER

Dear Kelly,

Yes, this is an odd situation. It sounds like your friend dropped you like a hot potato so something must have happened that upset her. Have you explicitly asked her privately, when you’re not with other friends, if you did something to offend her?

Another thought: Did you tell her that your husband lost his job because he took off from work to attend the funeral? If so, I could see how that might have upset her. It is unfortunate that it happened but it was his decision to attend and be with her and you, not hers.

You are absolutely correct in thinking there is something you don’t know. The only way to find out is to ask. Otherwise, you will likely remain as distant as you are now.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

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Category: RESOLVING PROBLEMS

Comments (250)

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  1. Kamie says:

    My best friend has been through a lot- she’s very insecure, partly because of the way some people have treated her, making her think she’s not good enough. But the thing is, I’ve never thought that she’s not good enough. My other best friends and her have had a tension between them for two years but I thought they were over that and then a mutual friend who I had thought really was good friends with my best friend didn’t invite her to her party. The event had been on my calendar for about two months. My best friend asked me if I was free, if I could go something, and I told her that so far I only had one day where I had nothing to do all day, and that was a true statement. I didn’t want to tell her about the event because she’d feel left out. But then she found out about it the day after the event and is now very mad at me. She thought I was just blowing her off and I told her what really happened but she’s still mad for saying I only had one day free- which was true when she asked me. What do I do?

    • Leeanne says:

      I’m not sure how old you are but I’ve found that you can’t go wrong with honesty. I’m not talking about using honesty to be cruel which some people use as an excuse to be unkind, but when asked a question…just be honest. Always be honest…you might not be popular all of the time but people will eventually know that if it’s coming out of your mouth it’s the truth.

  2. Megan says:

    So, my like best friend was talking to me, making me laugh, and making feel better and everything. Then she came to 1 of my softball games and after that, she kind of just shut me out. I miss her and it makes me feel really dumb that I lost yet another friend.

  3. Sasha says:

    I have the same issue with my best friend of 15 years. She was maid of honor at my wedding and we were both present for the births of our children. It is not uncommon for us to not speak to each other for 6 months at a time. But anytime either of us is going through a crisis we are always there for each other, until recently.

    She recently moved back into the same city as me and we have been trying to connect to get together and catch up, see each others kids, etc. Up until 3 weeks ago she would speak with me via text message. Now I am going through a trial separation with my husband and could really use a friend right now and she hasn’t returned my calls, texts, or emails.

    I told her that I cant understand why she is ignoring me, and asked if there is something wrong, but still no response. I have even messaged her on facebook, just in case she wasn’t receiving my texts or emails, so she has read my messages. I have no idea what I did to deserve this. If she had said that she was having problems with her boyfriend I would immediately pick up the phone to console her and do whatever she needed me to do. This is so out of the norm and I have told her that the stress of her not returning my calls and my problems with my husband are hurting me equally as bad. Still no response… I don’t know what to do.

    I am not ready to end my friendship with her, but I told her that if she really doesn’t want to be my friend than please just tell me so that I can start the grieving process of a loss friend. Still no response…

    This is just too much to bear for me right now. I am distracted at work and all I can think about is her.

    • Sasha says:

      The last time I spoke with her was 3 weeks ago, she had cancelled our date to get the kids together and go swimming, becuase she was having to still go back to their last house to get the remainder of their stuff (just moved). I said we were also in the same boat that my son’s ear infection might have moved to the other ear. We arrange (at her suggestion) to talk later that evening and see what was up. I texted her and said that my husband was about to give our son a bath was it a good time to talk, no response, I called about 30 min later and left a message. That was the last time I heard from her.

  4. Ariana says:

    I know how you feel its like my best friend doesn’t want to be seen with me even though I haven’t done anything wrong I guess you just have to deal with it because she obviously has made up her mind but if she can’t understand how great you are well then its her loss

  5. Linda says:

    Kelly,

    I am not saying this is what happened but there is one friend that I dropped suddenly after her husband made a rude and inappropriate pass at me in their own hallway during a dinner party at their house. I could never feel comfortable with either one of them again. I didn’t know whether to tell her, to slap him or to tell my own boyfriend who was there also, so I just hid out from them both. And this was shortly after they were married. I am the one who fixed them up. UGH!!!

    • Candice says:

      Linda, I wish it would sound politically correct to say that I wish you had slapped him. LOL. But based on experience, when the wife asks you out or invites you over to their place, please do not hesitate to tell her “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable being with your husband.” If she probes, tell her that to ask HER husband what he did to YOU, because you’re not making this any more complicated. Do not bother giving the detail unless she knocks on your door, pleading for it, because she WILL take her husband’s side, no matter what. By doing this, you avoid the long discussion and having the story turn all against you. More importantly, you get to tell the wife that there is something wrong NOT WITH YOU, but with HER husband, that you are not consenting you to the point that you’re willing to let go of the friendship. Let the wife KNOW that he did something to YOU that made you back off from them.

  6. Anth Tamburell says:

    There’s a girl in my old high school who was a very supportive friend to me, but now she hates me, won’t forget about what happened between us (I made her uncomfortable), and doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore! I feel UGLY around her, and keep having to hide my face from her in depression because of the aforementioned points! I MISS BEING FRIENDS WITH HER!!! I CAN’T forget about her, since I see her in school every day! I dunno what to do anymore!!! :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’( :’(

    • Karen says:

      Did you make an advance on her or gossiped about her? I’m sorry for the silly question, but perhaps you would get better advice if you give a hint on what you did to make her uncomfortable.

  7. susmi says:

    yes i also had a problem but it was different.the whole wrong is on my side.now even they had been friends with me for one year they not understand me.now am feeling very lonely in class.please give me an solution how to be lonely?

    • Candice says:

      One piece of advise, from an older (and hopefully wiser) woman. The essence of going to school is to learn, not to make friends. Please remember that. If you want to make friends, please join clubs that interest you. In that way, you can be with people with similar interests, and hopefully from there, you get to have more friends that understand you.

  8. dini says:

    i and my best friend were very close ..she shares everything to me only.suddenly i felt some changes in her and i didnt ask her anything i kept quite.because she got another friend.and i thought she started to avoid me and i spoke to her that you are avoiding me and i told you changed not like before.she told im same you are thinking like that and from there we started fighting each other.many misunderstanding came in between us.the problem is we are talking to each other but that closeness is not there.i want her back as before.

  9. Chrissy says:

    My bestfriend of 10 years did the same to me also. She dropped me like a hat.

    We grew apart after she was retrenched from her job (we worked in the same suburb) and she moved to another part of town (about 45 minutes away from me). Prior to that we were neighbours. All these happened because her marriage fell apart. She decided to do part time teaching and still found time to come see me at my lunch hour which I was grateful for and told her so. Things changed when I fell pregnant with #2. She agreed to be my daughter’s godmother but somehow our relationship fell apart. I didn’t even know it did because we still saw each other in our group of friends and I always assumed it was because we were too busy with different things.

    A few months ago, I think she really wanted me to “feel” it. During the group outings, she would wait until I had to go back to work during my lunch hour before she would take group photos. And then she would post these on facebook. I stopped writing so much on Facebook too eversince my second daughter was born because I just didn’t have time but when I did post, I saw that she would never “like” any of my posts like she used to.

    I decided to confront her about it. Asking her what was wrong. She said she heard from another friend (3 years ago – around the time when my second daughter was born)that I didn’t want her meddling in my life. I did share with her my sadness with family conflicts at the time. I was shocked because our friendship was always based on honesty and being the outspoken person she is, she would have confronted me right away. But she said she didn’t want the other friend to get into trouble. I thought that my friendship would mean more to her than that. I mean, if we were so close and had a 10 year friendship, why would she then believe in another friend over ours?

    Such comment, I never said to her but I did say to a common friend of mine a few years back who didn’t take it lightly. She just got divorced from her husband and was suddenly attacking me saying that none of our friends wanted to talk to me because I did nothing with my family conflict and they were frustrated. I told this common friend that her words were hurting me and I would appreciate it if she left it to other friends to tell me. I said it was okay if she were to tell me her feelings about my situation but don’t string others in. This common friend got offended and decided to treat me badly. It really, really hurt me at the time but I accepted that she didn’t want to be friends and let the friendship go.

    The last few months this bestfriend of mine started hanging out with our common friend. So I don’t know if words have been exchanged or what. But suddenly, my bestfriend of 10 years decided to drop our friendship.

    After our chat and I said to her that I don’t remember if I said anything because it was 3 years ago but if I did, I was sorry and I obviously valued her now at this moment. She said we should forget it and be bestfriends again and I told her I’d like that. So I contacted her a few times but she decided to cancel out. If I invited the group, she simply did not show up (making excuses) or she’d show up, wait until I had to go back to work after lunch and then would take photos with them to post on facebook.

    It really, really hurts but if she doesn’t want to be friends, I will respect that.

    When I knew her 10 years ago, I thought it strange that she didn’t have any close friends. She’s always been the outspoken time and quick to judge others. She took no cr*p from anyone. She was unforgiving, but I always believed that if we could be more open with one another and solve conflicts quickly, we’d be fine as friends. Obviously not.

    So I’m not saying that she was wrong. I don’t know who’s right or who’s wrong. It doesn’t matter anyway. Right now at this moment, she does not wish to have anything to do with me and I’ll respect that. Just that it hurts (a 10 year friendship) and I guess it’ll take time to heal. I’m slowly moving on and investing in other friendships.

    I do have very close friends from Australia (where I’m from) and we’ve been friends for decades. I’ve moved here for 13 years now and I do have other close friends that I see often and I am quite busy with work and 3 kids….. but I still mourn the loss of this one friendship. I just don’t think I should invest so much anymore.

  10. Leyla says:

    My very close friend of over 10 years has a best friend that has been wanting to meet me. He has been separated from his wife for over a year. My friend has knowing him and his wife and children for over 20 years. They were as her spiritual parents to my friend. My friend even babysat his kids when they were small. After 33 yes of marriage he decided to walk out of the marriage because of marital issues. My friend took him in as family. She helped him with his finances by allowing him to work for her in her business. She gave him a place to sleep and offered her place as well. After a year of him being separated he meets me through my friend. After a month we start dating..talking to each other frequently. We lasted four months in a relationship. He wanted me to keep our relationship a secret from my friend. I decided never to tell her. A couple of months pass by and my friend lost her son ..He passed away. This situation made my friend and the guy I was dating which is her best friend even closer. He already had plans to leave to another state to get his mind and thoughts together. After him and continued our relationship it was now 4 months..Two days before he was moving to another state he confesses to me that he has feelings for someone else…well of course I was devastating and hurt. I had no clue who. He left two days later. I was totally confused because the relationship was going well…we got along great. Once he left a week later my friend calls me to go into her office. She confess that the woman he has feelings for is her. I am now freaking out because..how can he do this to me..I felt used.. I felt that he was selfish. My friend lost her son a month ago and to top it off she was as part of his family…even though his former wife stopped being her friend because she accused them of having an affair at the time of him separating and leaving the house. I felt bad for my friend that she was going through all of these different mixed emotions. Now a month passes by and the friend that I felt so bad for has told she is contemplating a relationship with him. She asked me what I thought about it. She asked me if we were intimate and if I had feelings. I told her yes to both questions. I was shocked at her answer. The fact that even what I told her ..she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even care what his ex wife and his grown children has to say. I don’t understand this…it seems disgusting to me because I could never do that. Am I wrong in feeling this way??

    • Dani says:

      I may seem very conservative on this issue, but I question your female friend having such an intimate and close male friend for so many years. It sounds very bizarre to begin with that her “best” friend was a heterosexual, married man. I don’t believe heterosexual men and women can be each other’s “best” friends without sexual tension and attraction playing a role. Unfortunately, you got in the middle of this because neither were honest about their feelings. His ex-wife was on to something and neither he or your friend were honest with themselves or each other about it. I’d take a long break from both of them and allow them to work this out while you pursue your own interests and relationships. You haven’t done anything wrong — this is a messy situation and my advice is to stay out of the mess for a LONG time.

      • Leyla says:

        Dani….im glad you took the time to read it and respond. I’m glad you agree with me. This is the most craziest thing ever happening to me and the saddest thing is that my friend feels its a Blessing from God. Omg… God has nothing to do with this disgusting mess. Ive stepped away… keeping away and finding my Peace once again.

  11. Emily says:

    I have been friends with this person since the start of high school, we have are ups and downs of being best friends, but it just makes our relationship stronger. We have just stopped talking to each other,like we’ve shut each other out of our lifes and she hangs around with other people like Im not hear at all. Well recently she has been making rumors which are not true and were clearly upsetting me and she was writing a nasty little comment of me on her Facebook photo. I would like to be friends with her again, but I dont know what to do to get back with her- if she likes me? And if I should get back, to being friends.

  12. webding says:

    Yeah, very helpful Candace. I’m checking out this blog because a friend I’ve had for years suddenly ditched me recently.

    Since I don’t know what she’s mad or upset about (I went around to see her and although there was soft music coming from the house and 3 cars on the lawn “no one was home”.

    A week later I rang, her daughter answered and she said in the background: “I’m not home”. Well, the penny dropped at that point, and after feeling bad for a couple of days, this is how I see it: I’m not a user, I’m a good listener, I’m not needy. So what ever the problem is, I don’t feel that I’ve done anything too bad.

    Maybe the friendship has just run it’s course – I really don’t know. All I know is that I won’t take it too badly. People can come and go out of your life as they please.

    Try not to feel too badly. Treat yourself to something you would normally deem too extravagant. Take up a new hobby. Speak to a counselor. But really, let go. You can’t make a person like you, and it really doesn’t matter anyway. Really xx

    • Jimmie says:

      wwebding,

      I have had a similar situation happen to me. Thank you for helping me to understand this issue. I am going to move on with my life.

      afa

    • Dani says:

      I had something similar happened to me with a friend who I’ve know for about 3 years. We didn’t have a ton in common, and the person about a year before she ended our friendship abruptly began to appear annoyed at me, but wouldn’t tell me. I think that I blamed myself too much. A mutual friend who still hangs out with her told me that she was upset with me because of something I said. So, I tried to ask her via phone, text, and email, but I never got a reply from her. I am not sure why people cannot just explain things clearly. But I can tell she didn’t want to maintain our friendship. I also feel insecure because the mutual friend is still hanging out with her, and I think that makes me feel like I am not worth anything because that mutual friend was someone I introduced the girl to. Anyways it hasn’t been too long, the wound is still fresh, so hopefully by the end of the year I will have gotten pass all this and moved on. Like you all said it is not worth trying to maintain friendship with someone who doesn’t value you.

      • maryann says:

        i have my best friend for more than 3 years now, and now she hates me because i’m trying to keep my private love life for 3 years, only for the reason i want to have s peaceful life regarding my partner, i want to respect their family not to say anything about it, its very complicated issue so i decided to keep it for myself to protect my boyfriend! when i decided to open up to her..she was too much upset..she thinks that iam bad and make her stupid after all those years. do i oblidge to tell her everything about my life ?

      • maryann says:

        do i need to tell my bestfriend about my personal love life? i want a private life. do i owe her an explanation why i should hide it to her?

  13. layla says:

    you can get new friends if you give her a gift or say this: you are my friend and you know that,but also you need hope in you

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