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My friend suddenly shut me out of her life

September 11, 2010 | By | 402 Replies Continue Reading
When you just can’t understand, sometimes it’s prudent to ask.


Dear Irene,

I have a friend that I felt was my best friend. She was in my wedding and we were pretty much attached at the hip. She called me a couple times a day, texted me, hung out with me or talked to me online (Facebook, AIM) almost every day.

Her grandmother died of cancer almost a year ago now. My husband and I were the only ones out of our mutual friends that were at the funeral and wake with her and her family the whole time. My husband actually was laid off the next day from work because he took the day off to be with her. Ever since then she has shut us out, she hasn’t called, text, come over, or talked to me when she is online.

I see her when we go out with mutual friends sometimes and this is when she talks to us as if nothing has happened. She says she’s been busy, but she goes out every other day with a couple of our mutual friends. Do you know why all of a sudden she would shut me out? I do not understand how you can get close to someone and then just stop talking to them and then say that you have been too busy when your clearly not to other friends. I would appreciate any kind of advice you can give. Thank you!!

Signed, Kelly


Dear Kelly,

Yes, this is an odd situation. It sounds like your friend dropped you like a hot potato so something must have happened that upset her. Have you explicitly asked her privately, when you’re not with other friends, if you did something to offend her?

Another thought: Did you tell her that your husband lost his job because he took off from work to attend the funeral? If so, I could see how that might have upset her. It is unfortunate that it happened but it was his decision to attend and be with her and you, not hers.

You are absolutely correct in thinking there is something you don’t know. The only way to find out is to ask. Otherwise, you will likely remain as distant as you are now.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

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  1. Nicole Baird says:

    I have been close friends with a girl since 1st grade. We are both now 40yrs old. She is always talking about how bad her life is and says nothing good ever happens to her. I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis. I had surgery and 3 days into recovery had double bacterial pneumonia with two small boys to care for. She never came by to check on me, when I really needed a friend to care and offer assistance with my 1yr old and 3yr old boys. I later found out, My friend Kelly decided to move in with a guy that she knew had a drug problem (she doesn’t do drugs). She works and he doesn’t. He uses her money to buy his drugs. I advised her that it was a terrible idea and if he were caught with drugs in the place they now share, she would be in trouble too. She got upset from my advice. Now she does not contact me at all anymore, Andy other friends quit answering my calls as well. The only thing I can think of is she started silly rumors about me. I’m hurt and confused. I have always been there for her and all other friends. Now I feel alone, depressed and seems I have no one. Every day feels like I’m just trying to get through to the next. This painful disease I have doesn’t help.

    • Michelle Peterson says:

      Nicole, try to find the common divider. “It”, is the reason everything has changed between you, yourself and your friends; then attempt to understand what impact “that” might have had on the mystery of your other friends silence. Figure out what has changed. You truly became needy with serious health issues. Did you steal her limelight on the ‘poor oh pitiful me’ routine because you actually were the real deal? If that’s why, she is not your friend. I know from experience that when a person gets very ill, two things will happen and the depth of friendships will be tested. #1, real true friendship is based on love and acceptance no matter what. Who flew away and who stayed with you? The ones who stayed are your friends. Maybe. Here is the really hurtful part….did anyone stay by your side? If so, did they enjoy “helping’ a little to much? These aren’t anyone’s friend. They are truly vultures enjoying the feast of human pain & adding to it.. If a person passed both tests of love, you have a true friend. That friend may have zits but he/she knows it takes love and mutual respect to be a friend. Stop wasting your time/life on those that are untrue… God has given you the greatest gift. How to discern what you think is real from what is the actual truth. It hurts but you get to keep your self respect. God is the bff in my life. I’m sick too. My family stayed, no one else did. I’m still heartbroken over those friends from high school & college that flew away. Their flight is why I’m typing this to you. Love to you and your children,
      one sick also <3

  2. Arizona says:

    Okay, here’s my situation. I have two friends who are usually nice to me, Melaina and Emily. Melaina is not afraid to tell you the cold hard truth, but she can still be really nice. Emily, she’s always nice (one time she said i can’t be serious and it actually made me cry but we made up) but some of the things that bug me is that 1: when it seems like I’m out of the room, she starts saying mean things about me. Ex: Melaina- *taps Nathalie’s shoulder* Hi!
    Nathalie: Hey Melaiana!
    (They get into a convorsation)
    Then I heard Melaina say “Yeah. She’s annoying and clingy, but she’s like, my friend, so I can’t judge.” I only know she was talking about me once later when we were on the computers during recess, and I was stitting under a desk with headphones on, playing my happy music (i was under the desk because i didn’t want people looking at my computer because i was playing a violent game, don’t judge me for playing it at school when you probably do the same) and when my music stopped, i heard melaina saying “Hey wheres Maya? Did she go outside?” And emily said “I don’t know.” Then melaina said “Whatever. I don’t want to hang out with her anyways. Shes annoying.” True, I do talk a LOT when I’m with her, but she doesn’t have to gossip about me. I went to her desk and was about to confront her, but it was so awkward, so i just went like “Hi!!!” And she went like “Um… hey?” I don’t want to confront her again because at volleyball practice once, I did and she totally denied it. She said “Oh my god. I can’t believe you think I would do something like that.” It was right in front of my family before we left, but they obviously didn’t hear, but I dropped it before she started screaming like a banshee. Honestly, I don’t know if I can trust her anymore with my secrets, like how I told her who I like. She told me who she like, and she either lied to everyone, or told me the truth, because everyone else knows it too. I feel like she’s just using me though. I don’t like how she’s treating me lateley. Also, I made friends with a girl named Lily, and we started hanging out a lot. Melaina got jealous and was mad at me for ignoring her for ONLY THIRTY MINUTES. She was kind of acting like a drama queen, no offense Melaina. Now, her and Lily are great friends, but at lunch, they sit away from me and hardly talk to me at all, and whenever I invite Melaina over for a sleepover, shes apparently “busy”. I invite her over, she uses the same excuse every time. Tia and Jace are coming over. (Her niece and nephew) I feel like she hates me, but we do hang out a lot. I just don’t know what to do, but I think I’ll wait until I have proof she’s gossiping about me behind my back before I confront her again. Please help me.

    • Arizona says:

      I’m worried guys. She’s a great friend, really, but I feel like she’s telling secrets about me. Last year, she had a friend named Kyanna, and Melaina would always say “shes a drama queen.” I think she’s saying the same thing about me. Also, in choir, they’re great friends again. In fact, Melaina drops whatever we’re talking about to talk to Kyanna, Kyanna drops everything with me to talk with Melaina. Another thing, we were talking to Kyanna, then suddenly Melaina said “You know Maya, you shouldn’t have called Kyanna bad names.” Right in front of Kyanna. And in my head I’m all like “EXCUSE ME WHY DONT WE CHECK YOUR RECORD BOOK MHM YOU CALLED HER A B*TCH LIKE 500 TIMES AND I SAID NO SHES NOT YOU ARE JUST HAVING DRAMA!!!”

      After that Kyanna didn’t say anything. I wanted so bad to tell her how Melaina said all those things about Kyanna behind her back all the time, but I couldn’t. It was too hard. I told Melaina “Kuudere is not a bad thing, Kyanna just seems like one.” I guess Melaina didn’t remember that, though, and assumed “kuudere” was an awful thing to call a person. Jeez. I wanted so bad to betray Melaina, but it would make me just as bad as her, but I feel awful for not telling Kyanna. She deserves to know what a jerk Melaina was to her behind her back. Melaina and I wouldn’t be friends again if I told though, so I kept my mouth shut. Later I told her “You’re pretty lucky I’m such a good friend. I could have told her right on the spot and embarrased you so bad with all the nasty things you said about her.

      Of course when she said those things about me to Kyanna, I was furious and told Kyanna that it’s not true, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t believe me. Oh well, Kyanna and I are still great friends, and Melaina and me are okay friends. I just hope she’s not gossiping about me, too.

      • Ami says:

        I honestly think u need to take up for yourself girl!! This girl is obviously a narcissist and they feed off of and use empathetic people like yourself. I am an empath and I can feel your pain through your writing. Please google and look up how narcissists use empathetic people like yourself. You are better off being around someone that wouldn’t do those things to you. PLEASE take up for yourself. I know u don’t like hurting others,but you need to put her in her place and move on. There are many people who would value such a wonderful friend like you dear so please learn to value yourself. Hope that helps some and love and light to u my dear .

        • Michelle Peterson says:

          The above reply is true. Every word of it. Whoever you are, thanks be to God you are here for this girl and myself. Ami the above reply is pure gold…Love your self, protect yourself, be yourself. Don’t let anyone put you down. I’m 55 yrs old and am just learning how to do it. Go to an animal shelter to volunteer, or help another person in need get through, babysit for money, run errands for pay, do something you will be proud of. Be sure and respect yourself!!!

  3. Laura says:

    Hi Kelly,

    So sorry to hear what has happend to you. My best friend cut me off too, with no explanation. We were best friends for two years, myself and my partner met her at a party, and we all got on instantly, myself and Liz – thats the friend really hit it off and became very close, we texted every day, and she came over to myself and my partner ( Helen) house for dinner regularly. We all became good friends.

    I really trusted my friend Liz, and told her confidences as she did me, as time went on, we all became closer. I did develop some feelings for Liz and told her about it and told my partner Helen, Helen was fine with it and was glad i told her and glad that nothing had happened, and Liz was fine also about it, we were still in contact after that, then a few months afterwards, my father passed away suddenly. I was grief stricken and didnt know what to do. Liz cut me off completely 3 weeks later, all she did was sent a text saying, that i had issues and things i needed to look after, and she couldnt support me, she didnt even apologise or say sorry and didnt even arrange to meet me face to face, it hurt like hell, coz she was my best friend and liz and helen were the two people i was closest too.

    Then Helen and Liz started hanging out together all the time and leaving me out. I would busy myself up so i wouldnt be home on my own, it was only 2 months after my father passed away and i was so upset,they would go to gigs and stay in hotels together, they even went to a gig i wanted to go to, my partner did lie to me about where she was one time, so i did think my partner was cheating on me which added to my upset, she told me she wasnt cheating and i believe her as i trusted her so so completely.

    Then helen told me liz was saying horrible things about me behind my back, that i was manipulative and full of drama, – which i am not, and this was so so cruel and not true. anyways… i tried to get the friendship back, but she was awful to me.. it hurt me so so much – it broke my heart really, and i stil dont really understand what happened, i have moved on and am doing well and getting strong, but it still comes into my head what happened and does upset me from time to time, all i want is a “sorry” and an explanation from my former friend- i think it would help me moving forward, but i dont think i will ever get it sadly. This person i thought was someone i could trust, had no compassion whatsoever in the end.

    dont be tough on yourself, thats my advice, your friend must have her own issues to deal with and it is nothing personal, that is the only way to see it.

    all the best


  4. Aparna says:

    Hey…im wondering if anyone cud help me with this………im a girl and im recently having some troubles with my guy best friend. We both are the shy type n we started getting to know each other via chat about a year back. Ever since, we’ve been chatting a crazzyyy amount n honestly, it’s too much fun. We share everything n are really close. Few months back we started talking too (we’re in the same school and yes its a surprise it took us months to actually go talk to each other). But after these Christmas holidays, wen we met in school i had a little weird kind of a feeling. I kind of unconsciously avoid him in school….i have started to find him a little boring. But the funny part is this only happens wen we meet in person. I still enjoy chatting with him to the fullest. Now obviously this has led him to feel that this friendship is one sided…and that i dont really want him in my life as much as he wants me in his. He isn’t pressurising me with this thpught though. And I didn’t lie. I told him what exactly is happening but ii said i need to figure this out…i wanted to tell him that he still means everything to me n that this is just cus we’re meeting after long……. but i dont know if its false assurance that i wud be giving him. Please help me with this. I am not able to understand why I’m behaving this way. Thanks for reading.

    • Aparna says:

      Im sorry i forgot to mention….a similar thing had happened earlier too which only lasted for a few days….but i can tell this time it is more intense. Actually, most of the times it is he who starts a conversation, not me. Though on chat it’s all good and even, which is weird. I always want him to approach me, but i cant get myself to do the same. Maybe it’s because of my shy nature, thats what i chose to believe. But now, im not sure anymore. I just shared this part because maybe itll make u understand my situation better. Thanks again.

  5. Maya says:

    I have a friend that I have considered dear for many years. Frequently, she was there for me when no one else was. I always thought that we would be friends. Then about 2 years ago, she began to be very judgmental of various little things I would do (i.e. she scolded me for using Tide and not a natural soap when I gave her child some hand-me down clothes; she speaks out against my husband because he has different political and religious views; she became angry at me because I invited her over last New Year’s Ev, but then I fell ill–I didn’t cancel our plans, but I ended the evening early–I had a terrible cold and felt bad that I could not spend more time with her). She’s a stay at home/home schooling mom who takes her summers off; I am a full-time working/commuting parent, and she would never understand why I was so stressed. To be less stressed, I moved across the country (away from the State where she lives), so that I could afford to live closer to work and spend more time with my kids….Unfortunately, my friends mother became terminally ill right after I left; within a space of 4 months after my move, her mom died. I tried calling my friend many times; I left many, many messages offering her support and a listening ear. She never called me back. I had thought about traveling back to be with her and also attend the funeral, but when I asked about services, my friend simply ignored my messages. I sent flowers, and neither she nor her husband sent a message saying that they received the flowers. On Facebook my friend’s husband was posting his usual stuff; I contacted him via Facebook and asked if she was okay and if they had received the flowers. “yes…thank you for sending the flowers. We received them several days ago.” I have been spending so much time trying to reach my friend and she has basically ignored me. I understand that she’s hurting…and I gave her the space she wanted. But I’m sorry, I’m only human. After many unpleasant spats with her over the last 2 years, and her blunt criticisms of my good gestures (i.e. trying to spend holiday time with her and having her get mad because I wasn’t at my best–getting pissed because I used Tide on clothes that I had given her, etc.) this situation during her mom’s illness was just too hurtful for me. I deleted her and her husband from my FB page because it was too painful for me to see them posting random stuff online while choosing to ignore my attempts to reach out to my friend during her difficult time. I also have a lot on my plate; my mom’s has not passed away, but our relationship is strained and she has rejected me my whole life (I’m not exaggerating–I’ve had to limit contact with my mom because she just is not loving toward me). At any rate, I was emotionally (and physically) abandoned by both my parents as a child (and also sexually assaulted). I do not do well with abandonment and I have trust issues. Am I wrong to no longer want to trust my former friend after she shut me out during her mom’s illness? I just feel like she (or her husband) could have said, “We’ll get back to you when we’re ready–thanks for reaching out.” In stead, I worried about them, and he just continued to post crap on Facebook…That really hurt my feelings. I feel bad for my friend, but feel like I need to protect my own heart. I need my energy for the two kids I”m trying to raise. I feel guilty because I “unfriended them on FB.” But I did not know what else to do….

    • Hineats says:

      Hi Maya, hope you don’t mind a random person replying but I must say, I think you’ve been very patient with your friend. I would suggest it’s time to put this particular friendship behind you and move on….she sounds rather toxic, actually. Worrying about Tide on gifted clothes? Not being gracious when you’re ill? I imagine past issues with your mum haven’t helped you with knowing when to ‘lose’ people in your life, but this sounds like one of those times. Please find a new friend :-). All the very best.

      • Hineata says:


      • Maya says:

        Thanks Hineata….The relationship has been draining me for the past couple of years. It’s hard to let go of a friend who loves my kids as I love hers too…I need to open myself to new possibilities though. Be well everyone…

  6. Athena says:

    I have this friend whom I’m not really comfortable with. Although we do what normal best friends do. We hang a lot, chat, phone each other, exchange gifts, pictures, adventures, shopping, dates.. I know everything about her.. But she doesn’t completely know everything about me. And my gut keeps telling me that she’s not really my friend and I already prove that my gut was right. But I’ve been friends with her since high school. I cherish the time we had together but also I’m not that happy when we’re together those times. Things happen, friends come and go. I’m already tired of her.. It’s all about her all the time. and she didn’t even bother to ask what’s going on in my life.. I’m so tired of this friendship but I also look at the years we spend together.. But I think I should let go because I can’t lie to her anymore. I can’t have a forced conversation with her anymore. And I think it’s not healthy for me.. Please tell me how can I walk away without her being upset with me.. I really wanna stay out of this friendship..

    • Dani says:

      Hi Athena,

      I went through something insanely similar with a former best friend of mine, so I thought that I could offer my perspective. Here’s the thing – if you walk away, she will be upset, and there is no way around it. No one is going to take kindly to being dumped. So, if you want out of what sounds like a very long-term friendship, you are going have to be willing to accept that. Perhaps you could downgrade her to someone you only talk to once in a blue moon, only talking to her when you feel like it. Eventually, you both will get used to not talking as much, and this way there won’t be as much bad blood between you two. With that being said, have you ever tried talking to her (in a non-accusatory way) about how you feel? If not, I would try that before you end the friendship. Who knows? She may not have ever realized how self-centered she has been coming across. She could try to fix her flaw, and your friendship could benefit from you being honest. And if not, at least you can walk away from the friendship knowing that your differences just aren’t reconcilable.

  7. Wisteria says:

    I had a “best friend” growing up and we were tied at the hip. They called us “Mutt and Jeff” because I was small and short and she was big and tall. From 7th grade on we did everything together – trips, eating out, were roommates for awhile, went to parties, etc. We laughed a lot, and shared our lives. Then suddenly — boom, she was gone. I couldn’t figure it out.

    At one point in my twenties, I had a failed marriage. And later…another failed marriage. But they failed (unfortunately, I was a “caretaker,” and chose people who had problems). She dropped me and would never talk to me. I kept asking her why she was not talking to me, why we never got together. She never answered.

    A few years later, I moved out of town to a different state. I tried to reconnect, and I asked why she had not been in contact. She never replied.

    Fast forward thirty years(!). She had gotten married and moved to another state, too. I contacted her and once again asked if she would tell me what had happened with our very close friendship. Truly, we were best friends.

    And she told me. She said it was because she was jealous of me. I was stunned. I was not someone to be jealous of — I didn’t have a college degree then, I lived in small apartments, had a small gov’t. job as a typist — I didn’t have anything to envy. She told me it was because I had gotten married, and that she was always jealous of me because I was petite. I couldn’t believe it. Apparently, it was true because she said that she just couldn’t deal to be friends with me anymore.

    Now that she is married (in her 50s), we still no longer talk. However, I did get some resolution when she admitted that. It never occurred to me that she’d be jealous because I had gotten married (even though it didn’t work), and that I was smaller than she. Apparently, those were the main reasons — just being around me made her angry and jealous.

    So, I guess that sometimes we are the ones who didn’t create the break, but don’t get the friends for something we don’t even know we’re doing. I hope this is some consolation to some of you. This was my very best friend from when I was young and we did everything together. Jealousy was the last thing I would have thought of. Yet, decades later, I discovered that was the reason — and I still can’t comprehend, but I’ve obviously had to accept it.

    I hope this helps someone here.

    • Michelle says:

      Thank you so much. This is my exact story to the T. Except I am 26, me and my ex best friend since 7th grade still don’t talk. I have tried reaching out. Only rumor has it between our mutual friends is that she didn’t like my boyfriend at the time. I know that isn’t true though because she stuck by my side through all the scum bags before him. Thanks for this post it has me wondering everyday why she cut me off with no explanation. I’m still hurt because she was like my sister. Thanks for your post

    • mary peck says:

      Sorry you went through that! Jealous because you were petite – that something I never ever thought I’d hear in my 50 plus years on this earth. I’ve always gotten grief for being very short (like I could control it) and thought that factored into why some people didn’t like me.

    • Rann says:

      I was dumped by my best friend in 12th grade; we had been friends since 4th grade. She cut me out of her life. It stung & hurt me, but I never let on how much.

      I gravitated to other friends, went on to earn a professional degree, married & have had a meaningful career. She moved away after high school, did clerical work & married young. Years later, I learned that she was jealous of my “college fund”. The only reason I had that is because my father died & his life insurance was saved for my education. Jealous of that??? She had both parents.

    • Kelly says:

      I can relate to your friend that was jealous. i dumped a friend shortly after high school because I was tired of being second best next to her. She was so popular and all the guys thought she was so pretty it got to the point i felt like if i kept hanging out with her I would be eternally single. I think I lacked confidence in myself and still do and it holds me back in life.

      In reality if I had kept the friendship I would be better off today. Friendships made when you are young are the most true, I miss her but there is no way we would ever reconnect. even though I dumped her I was the one with the issues not her and today i am the loser in the situation not her. It is funny how time changes things. Today almost 25 years later she has many friends and I do not.

      It is good that you know the value of a friendship. It is sad that people like her and I would cut people out because of jealousy. I think with females this happens a lot.

  8. Sarah Lund says:

    As awful as it sounds, it seems like she just doesn’t want to have you in her life, anymore. What I might advise, is can you at least ask her why? Or what you did to make her not want you around her? Real friends don’t just suddenly stop all contact with each other. Only users do that. Something has to have happened. Even if it’s all in her mind. I’m sure my family know me well, by now, and especially my mum. I think she knows something has gone awry, because that’s the only reason I’d ever stop talking to someone. If the person has done something to hurt my feelings, I suddenly DO stop talking to them. It’s natural. Why would I let anyone off, if they decide to screw me over? No-one is more special than anyone else. Better to know than sit wondering about it. Otherwise, you’re just going to stay in that vicious circle, trying to think what you did wrong, or why she isn’t in contact with you now. It’s far better to know. Even if you have to hear it from someone else who knows her. Wondering doesn’t work. Taking action does. Thinkers will never do better. It’s people who do things by actions, that work better. And, if I ever come face to face again, with the man who treat me like something to be manipulated [let’s face it, salesmen are good at lying], I will just ignore him, if I see him in the street. No good can come of it. He knows what he did to me, and said to me. It’s just awkward because we have a few friends in common. I won’t be attending his birthday party, after the way he treat me, when no-one else was in the room. I’m just disgusted with him. He’s getting no christmas card from me, either. And he isn’t the nice man I first thought. Think he’s got the hint by now. Past is the past. There’s only the future to think about. As people say “Don’t look back”. There’s people who deserve our attention a lot more, like the homeless, the abused, the humble. Ex-friends aren’t worth fretting over.

    • Patricia says:

      I’m afraid I’m one of those who’s cut myself off – from all friends post heart attack & triple bypass, including my son. I didn’t feel the same again. This was about 2.1/2 years ago & I’m still on the waiting list for group therapy, as it perturbed me grately at the r time. It took me 2 years to forgive all those I felt had wronged me but for all I knew, they probably didn’t know how I was feeling. Actually, I’m pretty sure that 4 to 5 individuals were aware but it may not be necessary to go into all the details. My quandry was it God’s intervention whilst I learn new things about his kingdom; psycholically was ot me

      • Patricia says:

        Continuing after errors…

        My quandary was, was it …;
        Was it me, psychologically from still being in shock or did it all happen as I believed it had?

        • Wisteria says:

          Dear Patricia,
          As we age and go through many problems, I think it is natural to feel upset at other people, especially if we feel we were wronged. Forgiving is not easy. I have tried and reached out and forgave people, but they are still the same people.

          At my older age now, it is harder to find friends, and I have a couple, but it’s not like being young anymore.

          I have tried therapy, but the therapist had no suggestions other than join an activity group.

          I have a daughter who is in her twenties and feels quite uncomfortable living here – she feels she needs to move to a different country where she lived before, so she will be returning there. Thus, I’m pretty solitary.

          I don’t know what the answer is. Sometimes people are uncomfortable with things we have said or done. I know that I have become more sarcastic over the years through hurt. Someone finally called me on it, and on reflection I realized that I had become much more bitter over the years. Time and circumstances can do that to some of us.

          Sometimes we are to blame, sometimes it’s even the place (I have found different places in the U.S. are easier to meet people, and other places are harder — each area has its own culture).

          If you can find a good therapist (not always easy – feel free to change if you need to), and can get some of those unhappy feelings out, it could help. Being closer to God does not always bring friendships, but it helps during your recovery, I would guess.

          In the meantime, I have started to spend my time writing, or starting a new business (very small, but it takes up time). I know that with my daughter moving to a country far away that I will be alone, so I am trying to mentally prepare.

          It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment toward those you cut off — and I know many of us have felt that way toward others. People are not always the nicest things…

          Good luck with your healing and I hope that you find some solace in that many of us have had confused and broken friendships.

          • kejkej says:

            i see that almost everyone did share their stories so here its mine..
            i had a best friend for almost 7 years from now and we have gone through a lot of difficulties ..
            we shared every moment we hanged up together long nights talking and chatting
            but it comes that i do get in a relationship but still do keep up in touch with her
            after a year or so she gets in a relation too..
            with a guy from our class he is a nice guy and he gets on well with everyone and he is also best friends with the popular group in our class
            still though…
            we spent time together cause she couldnt let me staying alone
            one time that we were in the lesson hour
            such a missunderstanding did happen
            all because of a word that i did say
            she got upset even though i was upset with my bf at the moment i did apologize
            she didnt accepted my apology and we have not been talking like for 3 or 4 months
            because she said to my that
            i defined your character because of the thing that u said so i am ruining our friendship
            and i was shocked firstly
            cause we did have other situations much more worse than this one and everything went ok
            and i was like
            it took u to listen to this word so you would understand the type of person that i am??
            she got angry and our disscussion was left till here
            and we didnt talk anymore …
            tell me what should i do ?
            is this normal ??

  9. Chele says:

    Well I feel SO much better after reading these comments. I know I am not alone. I have however, come the conclusion that women in general really suck at friendship. Doesn’t anyone value friendship anymore? Does anyone know the true meaning of friendship? I am going to start hanging out exclusively with the guys. Everyone needs learn how to treat others.

    • Patricia says:

      It’s easy to judge. It isn’t as cut & dried as that. May you be blessed in your friendships with men. I’m guessing you are still relatively young yet. This is not to be patronising but had you been much older, your response would have been completely different.

  10. Eloise says:

    Hi, I want this to be anonymous
    I’ve got a problem
    I had a best friend, who I couldn’t deal with she used me and ditched me and got angry with me for the smallest things so I let us have space from eachother.
    When we changed schools ironically we went to the same school and were put in the same class…
    I made 2 lovely friends in which I was proud to calls best friends! They knew my story with this girl and I did 100% trust them to stick by my side!
    Quite frantically this has changed as the time has gone on as I make new friends it seems to be, the girl that I had a bad history with gets awfully attached to them! And now I feel like I’m just in the middle feeling uncomfortable all the time, and I do try to say something but it never usually works! One of the girls I thought would never leave my side has done and is now FACETIMING the other girl 24/7 they do really love EACHOTHER and I do want to get in the way of it but I don’t find it fair how this girl gets what she wants.. Please help

    • Sarah Lund says:

      Why are you still bothering with them, when you feel this way? It isn’t fair in yourself. At times, we just have to say to ourselves “Screw this”, and never go back. It’s making you feel nervous. Is anyone forcing you to be around them? Did you accidentally join a cult, where the leader tries to co-erce you into being best friends? Just wondering, because why else would you feel so obliged to tag along with them, when it’s making you uncomfortable? Nothing good will ever come of such a situation. If anyone is allowed to leave a group, why can’t YOU? I don’t think you know it’s your human right to be around who you want to be around. Or is it one of those dreaded regular meals out, where you all are part of an organisation, where you all pretend to like each other, and pretend to happy around each other, knowing fully well, you’d rather be elsewhere? Even if it’s a workplace hangout, tea it’s nice, but naive people, who seem to be hypnotised, trying to tell others who you communicate with, aren’t in the real world. However, seeing as it’s only down to your own choice, why not do what feels best? As long as you keep being a People-pleaser, you’ll only have yourself to blame. Just saying. You don’t want to be denying yourself what’s best for you. Being a yes person never solved anything. It only breeds resentment for yourself.

      • Hineata says:

        Sarah, Eloise is a high schooler, by the sound of it! So no, she quite possibly doesn’t realism yet that she can ditch this whole group. Eloise, gee, you remind me of why it’s great to be middle-aged, LOL! Seriously, school is very difficult to navigate without friends, but it will all be over much quicker than you think, and it sounds like it might be worthwhile taking the risk of dumping this entire small group of girls and trying to find another group. You could try different school clubs etc. Good luck with that 🙂

  11. lola says:

    my bff and i were like soul mates. we did everything together and would text all day every day. i helped her through quite a number of low moments throughout the years (a significant break up and a depressive episode). we actually grew closer after that breakup. one day she started seeing this guy and dumped me like a sack of potatoes. i tried to ask her to bring him around but she would make excuses and excluded me. they have been going out for almost a year now and i have only met him once. she never talks to me anymore and our relationship has changed dramatically to the point where i too became depressed. i tried to explain to her how i felt and that i missed her but she does not seem to understand. she says we are still best friends but i do not feel close to her anymore and she no longer tells me anything about herself. i barely know her anymore. our encounters are awkward and forced now.
    i am at a loss here and do not know if i have energy to even fight for our friendship anymore. she does not seem to be bothered by the distance between us at all.

    • Anonymous says:

      I strongly dislke those types of friends that when they are in their low moments they are your bff but when things start looking up for them they act distant like they don’t know who you are. People like that have issues. Or when they get boyfriends or a husband they don’t have time for you.

  12. Madeline says:

    Something is certainly going on here with me. I have an array of friends and they are all different from each other. But I have to say that I was the one that had to let a few friendships go. They all 3 felt the same–greedy. I love people and I’m also a writer performer–so I can listen fiercely, and loyal to the bone, a fool’s errand. Anyway, what is it that People just are not genuinely interested in OTHER people?! I find them fascinating, even the kooky ones, but REALLY you can’t ask me how I’m doing!! Can’t they hear themselves? I also had a very dear friend who moved away, but I realized that after 5 years she never read any of my stories. I understood that her first language wasn’t english-but still. I see a pattern here with me…I want new and equal freinds. Mutual respect, and a lot more laughs!

  13. Clarisse says:

    Hi! I have a best friend that I’m not really sure if she really is. But we hangout a lot. and Talk everyday.

    My problem is, she always brags me about my clothes when we’re going out she wanted me to wear pants and she will wear shorts. She don’t allow me to wear clothes that I like. She will say she don’t want to get attention because of me. And I can’t be my true self around her! In concerts she also brags me when boys are asking for my number and rolled her eyes! Why do I feel like sometimes she’s my best friend and sometimes not?
    When we talk she’s always talking about herself and her other friends. And when it’s time for me to talk she will cut me out and say “change topic” and start to talk about herself her crush and her other friends again. When she finally say “do you have anything to talk to?” and when I’m going to open my mouth she’ll interupt me again and say “oh well I guess no..” and start talking about herself and others again. I’m so confused about her and our friendship. please help me should I leave her? please I really appreciate your advice..

    • Angela B says:

      Hi Clarisse, your friends behavior as you describe it is extremely critical, controlling, self-centered and disrespectful. That is probably not healthy. If we feel uncomfortable a large percentage of the time we spend with someone, or if we always feel uncomfortable when we are in a common circumstance, like going out in public, that is not a good sign of a positive supportive relationship. Critical and controlling is the opposite of accepting and respectful. Friends should be mostly accepting and respectful, if not all. This type of person will wear away at your self-esteem.
      it would be better to seek out friends who make you feel that your needs,thoughts feelings and plans are equal in importance to theirs. Friendship is a gift, and a privilege. Real friends know this, and act accordingly.

  14. Mary says:

    LOL, I just noticed the date. Silly me.

  15. Ria says:

    I have a friend when i first started living with a group of strangers other students. she was very supportive and listened to me we both told each other put problems and didn’t judge each other for them or our opinions we had a laugh as well things were great several months ago i told her i had a life long dream of going to paris when i wasn’t able to go to a high school trip. She clearly said that she could not afford it i understood that. I then tried to organise a day trip in the same country the british countryside, she initially said Ok and was rather excited as it leaded up but always said i don’t know whether i can i will ask my mom. Every time she asked her mom she came back to me saying no and that she can’t and it isn’t the right time for her. I am really stressed after exams and need to relax and go to the beach where it is quiet no cars and less people. I don’t understand whats going on i have offered her several options to go for 2 nights 1 night day trip etc. She has a busy week ahead of her next week family birthdays and fathers day i get that but why not go this week. She says her mom said it is too short notice since when is 7 days short notice i told her two weeks ago that i wanted to go. Can anyone help? i am very very confused.

    • Leeanne says:

      You can come right out and ask her why. Some people simply like to stay close to home. It might have nothing to do with you but she feels anxiety about going away. Just adk her.

    • Steph says:

      It’s very possible that she simply couldn’t afford to go. Just because your trip wasn’t to another country doesn’t mean it is inexpensive. Many people live paycheck to paycheck and simply don’t have the financial freedom to go on trips whenever they want to..even with an advance notice. (Btw, 7 days is not a long advance notice) Sometimes people need to have time in order to save for trips/vacations whether they be simple vacations or more elaborate.

  16. austin says:

    a friend of mine (girl), we were set to date in a few months, she’s been through tough stuff and I was the one there for her. then all of a sudden she shut me out and we aren’t going to date anymore, she rarely will talk to me and we are very distant. what do I do

  17. That Girl says:


    My friend and I have only been friends for almost 2 years. I really consider her my best friend. I never really have any close friends since I move a lot. Every year when I change class, I’d get myself a new so-called close friend from that class. Somehow all of those friends became acquaintance after we change class again the following year.

    This friend and I met last year when we were in the same class in sec school. Under the new system, we will be in same class for 2 years. She and I became close as we share the same sense of humour. We got some rough patches at first when she told me about her depression and self-harming. I didn’t believe her at first because I got some trust issue, so there was a time she was really on the verge because of me. I tried to solve that problem too. It seemed to work, but it was not until now that I noticed how much she changed after she came back from the mental hospital. The doctor said she would be ok if she takes her med.

    When I first met her, she was this caring human being. One who was charming, sweet, had a great sense of humour. Everyone knew her. She was friendly and kind to everyone. I admired her for that, because I could not do the same. Trust issue. She never judged me for that, even though I’m extremely judgemental. Instead, she would try to understand me, as I try to do for her.

    After she came back though, she seemed fine for a while ,with me I worrying about her. Still do. She used to have attacks and I try to be her support when she does. I was there throughout the process of her getting better. But as she get better, her attitude gets negative. She started to ditch us (group of friends) for her online friends. She would make plans and cancel it with some lame repeated excuses. She would tell me about her day, the stuff she’s watching, her cosplays… when we text, but when I get started on mine, she would not reply. She did not reply unless she was interested in the subject or was involved. When we talk, she talks a lot about herself, but when I said something that does not concern her, she would either gives me a ‘K’, or not listen, or cut me off by speaking in gibberish until I stop talking. Sometimes, she would command our mutual friends to go to her when I was talking to them. Just recently, she told me to “stop expecting people to care about you”. She got herself a new replacement for me too, one of our mutual friends. Now, when I talk when we go home, she would not talk to me unless I start the conversation. She would also say goodbye to me even though neither her subway nor mine have arrived, an go back to using her phone and ignore me. The most frustrating thing that I don’t want to say anything to trigger her because of the depression mentioned above. I’m going through some rough things at home myself, but whenever I want to share, she gives me a ‘K’ and goes back to her universe. I understand maybe my problems are not as serious as hers, but friends should sometimes listen right? (Coming from a person changing friends every year)

    What should I do with her? Am I in the wrong? I know I should be understanding, but listening to someone else’s life 24/7 is tiring, and I have my own crap to deal with.

  18. sita says:

    Thanks for your replies,that sure helps and now I have another friend ,a neighbor who has recently taken a flat in our building .She is of this nature ,that she only speaks about herself and her family in high regards but does not give me a chance to talk about mine in return

    When I make an attempt to say something about my son or my work,she imemdiately switches the topic to irrelevant things .Also she keeps saying that she is very popular and has lots of friends ,her kids are the best ,her job is the best etc etc that I cannot take it more than a limit .
    How should I deal with her

    Thanks in advance

    • Massana says:

      This person sounds like they have narcissistic tendencies. Conversation and friendship is a two-way street… it sounds like this person is trying to divert it to a one-way street. I’d avoid this person at all costs. A person who truly cares about you will be interested in what you think and what you say and want you to speak. If she is cutting you off and doing all the talking, she is only interested in an audience. This is a HUGE red flag and it doesn’t bode well for the friendship.

  19. She17 says:

    Kelly, I could be the very friend that you describe in your post. My mother died less than a year ago and I had a friend who attended the funeral. She is the kind of person who does what she thinks you want and would be quite hurt if you told her that this wasn’t what was needed. When I think about it, it was nice that she attended the funeral but it was a time that I wanted to bury my mother so her attendance wasn’t even on my radar, I had more important things to worry about. To have voiced my thoughts would have meant she would have been hurt and then it would have all have been about her, when it was supposed to be about my mother.

    My most recent insensitive moment from her was an email a few weeks back she sent to a group of us saying she couldn’t attend a planned gathering as it was due to be held on mothers day, she signed off her email by saying “..not sure if that effects anyone else or just me?” My mother hasn’t been gone a year yet and this would have been the first mothers day without her. I would most probably say that out of all the people that received the email i would have been the one that would have been well aware what day mothers day was this year. Needleless to say out of the 8 people that received the email none of them felt able to reply directly to it, they were quite shocked by its tone. That email was sent over a month ago and the next communication from that person has been a “fancy a catch up” text. I haven’t engaged with that person since that email and there is apparently no realisation on her behalf that maybe her email was at best badly phrased. I have replied saying I’m busy but can talk on the phone, which apparently isn’t good enough for her!

    It took something as important as my mother passing to realise that life is too short to put up with someone else’s (repeated) insensitivity. I feel emotional drained and don’t want to have to point out what she has done so now I am in the process of distancing myself so she wont have the opportunity to do it again. Maybe like you Kelly, she will eventually realise that she may have contributed to this distancing and maybe by the time she does I may be willing to try and rebuild the friendship, but I’m not holding out for this. She is not a horrible person but when you have a life changing event something you were willing to overlook before can soon become intolerable and you are not willing to suffer it any more. I have changed, maybe your friend has too, maybe you need to change if you want to get back your friendship?

    • Mary says:

      She17 if you say your friend is repeatedly insensitive I’m sure that’s true, but I recognized absolutely none for the mother’s day scenario. It seemed your friend was stating something common to most people, that she’s busy on mother’s day, and asked the question if that affected everyone else because in a group of people it would likely affect more than her. She didn’t ask a whole group to reschedule for her own needs,or express upset that no one thought some people probably wouldn’t be able to make something on Mother’s Day if they have or are a mother.

    • Suri says:

      Interesting post. I’m very sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. I’ve been reading posts on this blog and a lot of women write about being dumped by a friend without knowing why. They’ve been understandably hurt by this and their trust is shaken. The friend who dumped them never communicating the reason why. I agree that it’s often easier to just say you’re busy than to really talk with your friend about what’s bothering you. We often built up anger, disappointments and hurt feelings for years without ever letting the other person know what’s going on. We have our own reasons for this and feel justified in them. But I think if we’re really honest with ourselves, the real reason might be that we just don’t know how to communicate this. Also, telling someone they’ve hurt your feelings, shows a vulnerable side of us. And it’s not easy to be vulnerable. Your insensitive friend will never know why you dumped her. And if you want to pick up this friendship later on, she will not have changed. Instead, her trust in you will be broken and she’s right about that. You’ve harbored resentments for years and you’re inability to bring it up with her, has caused the friendship to end. Not your friend’s insensitivity. Now I wouldn’t recommend you just dump all your frustrations on your friend and call her insensitive. She will be very hurt and not know what to do with it. There are some books out there on how to have difficult conversations. I highly recommend you read one of them and hopefully you can open the conversation with this friend who must be a nice friend otherwise you wouldn’t have hung out with her for years and put up with her in-sensitivities. Sometimes it also helps to stand in the other person’s shoes. We all think that everyone should know how to treat us, be sensitive to us, and read our minds. It would be great if they could but in my experience most people have no clue they’ve offended someone. What if we give the other person the benefit of the doubt, they probably didn’t do it on purpose. If you start that difficult conversation, it might save the friendship and actually build a stronger friendship. Thanks again for your post.

  20. Sita says:

    I have been observing a certain pattern with my friend.She is in another country and we are pretty close.However I find her sometimes very close to me and sometimes so distant and aloof.There are periods when she constantly messages me to say that she misses me and she makes all sorts of programs when I visit her,so on and so forth.There are other times when she suddenly becomes aloof and when I message also her replies will be crisp,one word answers.
    I am unable to come to terms with this kind of behaviour from her.What could be the reason and what should I do in this case
    Waiting to have your comments

    • Darlene says:

      I have had a few friends who behaved inconsistently like your friend. While frustrating, you friend is probably preoccupied with something at times. Why not have a gentle conversation about this? Maybe mention that it’s a little uncomfortable for you and you are curious about what the reasons might be.

      Another option is to accept this as a peculiarity of this friend, it sounds as if she does care about you.

    • Lauren says:

      Hi Sita,
      Don’t forget about the international time table.Maybe when you WhatsApp her, message her,etc, it’s actually in the middle of the night where she lives, then she has to dash off to work/school the next day and so it takes time to get back to you. Don’t forget that ppl have busy lives. So stay cool and don’t read too much into it. Enjoy your friendship, and don’t forget about her timetable.
      Best wishes to you.

  21. kshitij says:

    Hey… I just came across this blog and I also have a problem
    Seems like you can help
    I have a best friend
    .it’s been three years now
    A guy from her college proposed her
    I was perfectly OK with it.
    I updated a status “best friends never propose each other but they feel sad when either of them gets commited.”
    She thinks I am narrow minded.i am really sorry for everything.
    I didn’t know she was gonna feel bad about it.
    She took it seriously and thinks I miss possessive for her
    She is not talking to me since then.
    How is that can I clear the misunderstandings.
    I apologised but she’s not ready to accept my apology.
    Please help me.

    • Clara says:

      Most friendships have disagreements and misunderstandings. If your friend is the type of friend who is quickly hot tempered, then you should wait for her to cool down. If she’s the type of friend who really was hurt by what you said, then you should take time to slowly let her realize that you were not throwing any dirt at her for your facebook status. What you said in your status is true, in my opinion, but it doesn’t mean that you aren’t happy for her, right? I think with some time, you two can make it up again, as it it just a misunderstanding and you meant no harm.

    • Mary says:

      Your friend gets a marriage proposal and you say “I was perfectly OK with that.” OK, I’m sure your friend was pleased of your approval. Then the other comment I don’t know why you would post that on FB. To me that is a personal comment about them. I gotta say, I’d be upset with you too. If I misunderstood the latter, are you saying that if one of you gets involved in a relationship the other is sad? IMHO friends don’t get sad over something good that happens to them, your suppose to be happy for her/them. IF, I am misunderstanding you, I’m sorry, but that’s what I got out of what you wrote.

  22. Laura says:

    Hi…I came across this blog and wondered if there was anyone out
    there I could get some opinions from and thanks. 🙂

    My sister and I have been very close, like best friends, for
    many years now (she’s 67 and I’m 60). We are both still working
    professionals and reasonably intelligent people, so I thought…
    I am married and she has been divorced for a long time.

    Anyway, she spends time with her son and daughter and 2 grandchildren
    in Arizona 2 times a year. This last Christmas, she went. I talked
    to her before she left, and when she got home, I did not hear anything
    from her the weekend after she arrived home. I thought it was strange
    but gave her a few days, then called her. I said nothing about not
    calling…I just asked her how her trip went. It turns out she met
    someone to date there who lives in Hawaii. (we live in Illinois). We
    talked for a bit, and she said she would call the next day, and she
    did not. I waited…I just thought when she’s ready to talk, she will
    call. Well, a MONTH later, my other sister who lives in town here
    called her, and was astounded that she had not talked to me (I did not
    say anything to my other sister about it). My sister that I hadn’t
    heard from in a month told my other sister, ‘I hope she’s not mad.’
    But she didn’t call to find out if I was or not! So a few weeks later,
    it was valentine’s day and I sent her a card. Then about 4 days later
    she called. She sounded kind of nervous when I first talked to her.
    She said she wasn’t mad, but just that she was ‘spinning’ because of
    the new relationship, in which they facetime every night. But here’s
    the thing…she told my other sister that one weekend she spent time
    with one of her friends and the next weekend, the other. I’m thinking…
    if she has time to spend with friends, then why not a simple phone
    call to me? Am I being too over sensitive?

    When she was talking about the relationship, she said she didn’t want
    me to tell anyone about it. Does that sound strange to anyone else or
    is it just me? The whole thing to me seems weird..no contact all of a
    sudden, not wanting me to say anything to anyone about it. She claims
    they are in love, but how can that be…after knowing someone only
    a few weeks…I told her I’m glad she found someone and fully supported
    her, but after we hung up, I had a lingering intuition that something
    doesn’t sound right. I don’t think it’s right to cut your family off,
    or claim to be ‘in love’ after only a few weeks. My other sister asked
    her why she hadn’t called for so long and she said she’s trying to
    work through some things and work out some things.

    My instincts tell me I’m being treated poorly by her now, and I’m
    wondering if there is another opinion out there and some advice.
    Is it just me or do I have reason to feel this way? To me, it
    doesn’t make sense to cut someone off completely because you have
    a boyfriend. Any opinions or suggestions?

    Thanks. I really appreciate it!

    • Laura says:

      She may not want others to know about the relationship because it’s new and might not work out. It adds pressure for more people to know and be asking.

      Sister relationships ebb and flow, at least speaking for myself and my friends. I woudn’t worry so much. Just be you and call if you feel like it and it will probably pass. Family, can live with them, can’t live without them!

      She also is probably not herself if she hasn’t been in a relationship in a while and she’s all wrapped up in it. It sounds like it’s taken over her life, which is what I see my single friends go through.

    • Lauren says:

      @ Laura
      I wonder why she did not tell you about her boyfriend. Could it be because he is trying to distance her from her family so that he can control her?

      Is the relationship 100% on line, or did she actually meet up with him in person in Arizona?

      You and your other sister should talk to her in person and find out about the situation. It is strange because she now seems to be distancing herself from you for a man she only recently met. Also, how old is he? Sometimes I read of older women being defrauded by a boyfriend/con artist.

      Or maybe I am being too suspicious. Maybe everything is OK. But at the very least, at her age, and given the speed of the relationship, she should check into his background.

      Did her adult children in Arizona meet him? If so, what did they think of him? Have you contacted her children in Arizona? Or as I said earlier, maybe it’s a total on line relationship.

      Yes, of course, it’s fine for an older lady to find a new boyfriend, but the thing is there is so much cover and secrecy over this situation. That is what is worrying for you. I hope that it all works out well.

  23. Kerry says:

    Well to be honest My close friend stopped talking to me in Early October. Her Dad died of Cancer last year in January. Me and my Mutual friend did attend the funeral. I was trying so hard to be there for her but it’s not easy as i thought her Dad was a lovely man. We was planning on going on holiday then it got cancelled but i didn’t mean to take it personally. so i did apologise after as she didn’t feel up to it. Then i found out she went on holiday with another friend to the same place we were planning on going. That did hurt me but then i bit my tongue and asked her how her holiday went but she didn’t respond. So i asked her if i done anything wrong. Then she said the Holiday was fine and that’s it. Then i responded back after saying i’m glad you had a good time i like the pictures you put on Facebook then she put nothing. I was invited to her Dad’s charity and i was going to attend. Because she wasn’t talking to me. My Dad said to me just to ask her if she wanted me to do the bucket for the charity. So i asked her then. She said nothing. I said answer me please i know you’ve seen it. Then she sent me a message saying every time i talk to her i always start an argument which isn’t really the case. She kept misreading me. She said she had enough lets just leave it at that. So i didn’t go because i didn’t feel welcome. So i still donated to her Dad’s charity. Then me and my Dad did a letter to her to say sorry if i have upset her and i still think of her as a good friend. Then she didn’t talk to me very much after that. It happens to friends. Mine is that she’s still grieving and upset so that’s why she’s taking the anger out on me. That’s probably why she’s not talking to me. I have her on Facebook still. I can relate to what your saying. It’s not easy to be there for someone you care about and they stop talking to you. Sorry this is long

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