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My friend suddenly shut me out of her life

September 11, 2010 | By | 338 Replies Continue Reading
When you just can’t understand, sometimes it’s prudent to ask.


Dear Irene,

I have a friend that I felt was my best friend. She was in my wedding and we were pretty much attached at the hip. She called me a couple times a day, texted me, hung out with me or talked to me online (Facebook, AIM) almost every day.

Her grandmother died of cancer almost a year ago now. My husband and I were the only ones out of our mutual friends that were at the funeral and wake with her and her family the whole time. My husband actually was laid off the next day from work because he took the day off to be with her. Ever since then she has shut us out, she hasn’t called, text, come over, or talked to me when she is online.

I see her when we go out with mutual friends sometimes and this is when she talks to us as if nothing has happened. She says she’s been busy, but she goes out every other day with a couple of our mutual friends. Do you know why all of a sudden she would shut me out? I do not understand how you can get close to someone and then just stop talking to them and then say that you have been too busy when your clearly not to other friends. I would appreciate any kind of advice you can give. Thank you!!

Signed, Kelly


Dear Kelly,

Yes, this is an odd situation. It sounds like your friend dropped you like a hot potato so something must have happened that upset her. Have you explicitly asked her privately, when you’re not with other friends, if you did something to offend her?

Another thought: Did you tell her that your husband lost his job because he took off from work to attend the funeral? If so, I could see how that might have upset her. It is unfortunate that it happened but it was his decision to attend and be with her and you, not hers.

You are absolutely correct in thinking there is something you don’t know. The only way to find out is to ask. Otherwise, you will likely remain as distant as you are now.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

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Comments (338)

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  1. sita says:

    My friend moved out of my city four years ago.since then we were regularly in touch through FB gtalk whatsapp
    She used to miss me a lot and so did I
    Whenever i visited her city,I would spend time with her

    But off late I find that she is distancing herself from me suddenly,she doesnt update me on anything,whenever i ask her to chat ,she says she is busy and that she wil come later but doesnt come

    I am really perplexed by her sudden aloofness,even asked her if I had done something,but she maintains that she is busy that is all

    What should I do,I really miss her a lot


  2. Rupak says:

    Hi,I want to say that I love a girl of my class.When I proposed to her she told me that she doesn’t appreciate all these things and asked me o stop all these nonsense otherwise it will turn worse.What can I do now.Please help.Can I get her back anyhow?

    • dyami says:

      i know how you feel. my crush totally ignores me now and we actually used to be friends. she was the best thing that ever happened to me until she said i should leave her alone. my advice is that you should ask for one last hug or kiss and tell her after that you will leave her alone. trust me it works(but you actually gotta leave her alone.)she wasn’t meant for you. go for someone else.

  3. Alex Feels says:

    Hey, i understand you.

  4. Kylee says:

    Im in the 6th grade and me and my RNSF (redneck sisters forever) or bff since born dissided she hates me so i snapchated her and asked her if she was mad because she never txt me back at all and she used to come over to my house every weekend and when school started again she never came over the last time i saw her was in october and now its december and when i asked if she was mad she was all like NO IM NOT

    • Athena says:

      Im going through a similar phase. My bff since we were seven suddenly started ignoring me. It all started when a new girl came to our class and she only knew Spanish, so I was her guide. Maybe my bff was jealous that I was hanging out with the new girl? She’s always hanging out with our other friend, I’m there too but I feel like a third wheel. I snapchat her and she always responds late. I’m really worried

  5. Bailey says:

    My best friend and I are like sisters and her boyfriend is extremely mean and dude to me for no reason at all! I ask her to talk to him about it and she gets really upset and we don’t talk for a couple days. I mean this boy goes out of his way to be mean to me and my friend thinks they’re going to be together forever. Keep in mind we are only in high school and it’s her first boyfriend. I hate sitting on the sidelines watching her go down this path and I get beat up for it. #help

  6. Dani says:

    I have posted about this friendship a few times on this blog, but feel compelled to again. I hit it off with the mom of a child my daughter’s age about 5 years ago when the kids were starting kindergarten. We seemed close for a while but as soon as she got to know other moms well, she drifted away. She still included me in some parties and outings, but our contact has decreased over time. I now connect with her 2-3 times a year. I still very much enjoy her company, feel we have a great connection, etc. but her attention is obviously directed elsewhere. She is a stay-at-home mom, very social and always seems to be expanding her network. I work, focus on a smaller group of friends, and am not as focused on my network.

    Despite all this, I feel hurt and somewhat snubbed when she posts photos of parties she has hosted on Facebook, references things she has done with other friends, etc. I am not surprised I’m not included, but I find it still stings. I have declined a few invitations from her in recent years because I doubt I’d be comfortable at some of these gatherings, given the other guests invited and the likelihood that I’d be awkwardly seeking out conversations all night.

    Am I being ridiculously sensitive, or is it just time to move on here? It is difficult, because we live in the same town and have several mutual acquaintances.

    • Sally says:

      You seem like a nice person, able to make friends, and have your own small group of friends. Maybe you are angry because you feel like a stepping stone? This lady used your friendship to get to know other moms and now she is not in your life so much? Who needs people like that? You are better off without her. Stop looking at her stupid FB pages. Having friends should not be a competition. Perhaps you should host a gathering of your closest friends for something unusual and fun like a tea party with all the bling, and reaffirm, and strengthen your relationship with your existing friends, stop trying to win her over, and stop going to her functions.

      • Dani says:

        I don’t really feel used by this friend, per se — I don’t think that she took advantage of our friendship. I do think that once her options expanded, she passed me over for “bigger” and “better” opportunities. That’s what hurts. You are correct in that I shouldn’t focus on what could have been or question why I am not a more significant part of her life. It is obvious to me that she is comfortable doing things that exclude others and then promoting it, and I am not. I don’t use FB this way because I don’t want to be that kind of person.

        Good advice — New Year’s is coming and this will be one of my resolutions!!

  7. Mo says:

    I had a guy friend in 7th-9th grade but we stopped talking around 9th grade. He was one of those quiet kids with glasses and braces and I was quiet too but I was included in more stuff than he was (btw, I’m a girl). You know how everyone starts to clique off into their little groups, isolating everyone else? Anyway, we stopped talking so much in 9th grade and he started hanging out with this guy in our class and becoming friends with him. I was sad but I didn’t want to “hold him back” or whatever so I never said anything (tht I remember).

    Well today was so awkward because we were taking the ACT (we r seniors now) and he showed up—6ft tall, nice hair, still had glasses but I’d always thought he was cute anyway. It was so awkward!! I didn’t even say hello because I was too shy. Since we’d stopped talking I didn’t know if we were still friends so I didn’t know how to act. All the girls were thirsting after him. He didnt say anything either, but I saw him from the corner of my eye looking at me. I’m mad at myself. He probably thought I was being stuck up like the ppl we disliked!

    • Beverly says:

      Say something like the next time you see him! A simple hi, how have you been? Would be good enough.

    • dil says:

      I had the same experience, but I decided to get on out there and started explaining to my friend why or what had been going on between us. Next thing I knew, he never replied again.
      So, Mo, I think it’d be best for you to start off simple like say Hello, how are you? etc. (What Beverly said).

  8. Mo says:

    I had a guy friend in 7th-9th grade but we stopped talking around 9th grade. He was one of those quiet kids with glasses and braces and I was quiet too but I was included in more stuff than he was (btw, I’m a girl). You know how everyone starts to clique off into their little groups, isolating everyone else? Anyway, we stopped talking so much in 9th grade and he started hanging out with this guy in our class and becoming friends with him. I was sad but I didn’t want to “hold him back” or whatever so I never said anything (tht I remember).

    Well today was so awkward because we were taking the ACT and he showed up—6ft tall, nice hair, still had glasses but I’d always thought he was cute anyway. It was so awkward!! I didn’t even say hello because I was too shy. Since we’d stopped talking I didn’t know if we were still friends so I didn’t know how to act. All the girls were thirsting after him. He didnt say anything either, but I saw him from the corner of my eye looking at me. I’m mad at myself. He probably thought I was being stuck up like the ppl we disliked!

  9. Syd says:

    Hi, I used to have a guy best friend that I met in preschool. He came up to me and then we were just best friends! We were very close and told each other everything. Eventually we both knew we liked each other and everyone else knew too. All of a sudden we were put in different classes and we didn’t have time to speak. We grew apart and now we have some classes together and we talk but today I just realized how much I missed him! From all the memories we had together, I cannot dare to forget them. I don’t know what to do! He gives me these butterflies in my stomach and he teases me a lot. How can I tell him that I miss him as my guy best friends? I’m afraid that he’ll tell his friends who will spread it on and they will make fun of me.

  10. chekchouka says:

    do you call her and ask about her? or do you just wait for her to do it?
    i think it’s because she feels that you don’t make enough efforts and that she thinks that she might be annoying you! and maybe it’s because she don’t want to chase after you anymore it’s frustrating to always be the one who tries to get closer to your friend i felt that way once but now everything is fine you just have to tell her how you feel about her and tell her that she’s important for you!

  11. jamirah says:

    my best friend is being mean i was trying to sit at the lunch table with her can i poked her she said stop don’t touch me your like asia (my other friend) then she said go on and i said what did i d- then she said stop touching me and go . i cried the rest of the lunch and day she was being a total whore

    • Darlene says:

      Hi Jamirah,
      Probably best to just listen to your friend and not rough house with her. She probably doesn’t want to sound mean to you, but it is likely she just doesn’t like being poked (if I understand what you are saying). It is really unhelpful to call someone such a bad name like whore just because of an misunderstanding, you may want to stop doing that. Try apologizing to her and then respect her boundaries in future, or you will likely lose this friend.
      All the best, Darlene

    • Darlene says:

      Hi Jamirah,
      Probably best to just listen to your friend and not rough house with her. She probably doesn’t want to sound mean to you, but it is likely she just doesn’t like being poked (if I understand what you are saying). It is really unhelpful to call someone such a bad name like whore just because of an misunderstanding, you may want to stop doing that. Try apologizing to her for what happened and then listen to her when she tells you how she’d like to be treated in future.
      All the best, Darlene

  12. Zoe says:

    It’s been 2 years since i’ve seen my bestfriend Tiana, she was one year older than me. I still think about her a lot, I miss hanging out with her and talking, laughing and rollerblading. She was everything to me, but I guess she never realised that. she lived just down the street from me, we use to always hang out with Scott and Adam (bestfriends) and rollerblade everywhere. Two weeks in the summer (2 years ago) I slept over at her dads house because her parents were divorced aswell as mine, it was the best 2 weeks of my life. Her dad had a boat that was huge, and we discovered a secret beach that we swam in everyday. One night we were gonna sleep in the boat, but then it started raining. Every night we tried to atleast stay up till 3 but we could never make it to 3 we only ever stayed up till 2, we would eat snacks at like 2:40 in the morning. Also we went on her trampoline because her dad had 10 acres of property to himself, we would play popcorn is when 1 person crunches up while laying on the trampoline and the other person jumps up and down and tries to break the popcorn. After 1 year later she started distancing herself away from me, she would never come to my house or text me back. She would always ignore me after she got into grade 8, I was one year younger. I always wondered how she could just forget our friendship, and just act like we were never friends. To this day I still miss her and wish she could of still been my bestfriend, she was so beautiful and I was always jealious of her. And when I was with her I could never get bored, we always had something to do. Now she has another bestfriend that is always by her side in pictures and things, part of me wishes I was her. Now she is in highschool in grade 9, and is totally different. I miss the old Tiana that wouldn’t care what people thought of her and the one who could just be herself and not follow other people. I miss her extremely, no matter how hard I try to forget about her I can’t because she was such a big part of my life at one point and I could never forget that. :'(

  13. Lisbeth says:

    i have a best friend. we both love the same things and most of the time think the same way. But lately she has been getting pissed off with almost everything and anything we (our group) do and it has had me thinking and even asked her why but she says its nothing when i clearly know its not. Last week she sent us a note because she didn’t want to talk and it says:
    ” I hope you are much able,
    to see that im not impeccable.
    i don’t wish to break this twine,
    but i hope that it’s fine,
    to stay away for a little while
    so that problems don’t begin to pile high
    im so sorry,
    but there’s no need to worry;
    someday ill explain the entire story.”
    im really worried and i don’t know what to do to help her

  14. dana says:

    When I lost some people close to me, I ended up shutting alot of very close friends out as it was easier.
    I was trying to cope and the closer someone was to me, the more clearly they could see I wasn t coping. I would crumble infront of them, when I needed to be strong. It wasn t a situation where talking would have helped. I just needed to get through it.
    Friends that I wasn t as close with were easier to be around.
    I ve no idea if it is the same for your friend, but worth thinking about.
    Sometimes it is very hard to feel close to people after a loss. I was also so angry due to grief, and tried not to take it out on those around me.

  15. Natalie says:

    Buying a gift is not the answer for fighting or arguments there meant to tell someone that they are special and that gift should be something unique about that person the gift is given to.

  16. dil says:

    so I had this friend who I grew up with since I was in primary. Now in my final schooling year, she and I have not been talking for 8 years.
    When I think the time to approach her and ask what’s been going on? It also always seems to be the wrong moment at that instant.
    What can I do as the final 2 weeks of ever seeing her again?

  17. Amaya says:

    My ex best friend and I haven’t been friends for a year now. We use to do everything together and I trusted her with everything. But she was always so distant from me. She would hide things or just not tell me things, sometimes even lie to me about little things in her life. It offended me a little bit because I would tell her everything and I felt bad when I couldn’t do the same she would for me… we were friends for years. She even went on a family road trip with me and we spent a whole week together!
    Right after the trip we started our sophomore year of high school and I was going through some stuff with my boyfriend at the time. Him and I were only dating for a while at the time, and we argued all.the.time.. I will call him, jim. And I will call my ex friend sue. Jim decided to become friends with sue and they would occasionally talk to each other, jim would tell sue about our relationship and often complain and tell her stuff he wouldn’t tell me. It made me upset that he would go to her because she was MY best friend and I needed her… when this happened I felt like I couldn’t trust sue with jim talking about me behind my back so I broke up with him and distanced myself from her. I take blame for this because it was my decision and I never told them how I felt…
    I got lonely… the closest people I had in my life weren’t there anymore.. the one person who was there for me was my long time best friend (who is a guy), I will call john. John was also sues ex boyfriend… john was there for me and ever since I moved to that school. ANYWAY! when I would talk to john about my problems he was there… I slowly started to grow feelings for him… and I later found out he has always had a crush on me..
    Sue… wasn’t blind and saw what was going on.. she saw the feelings he had for me even though (at first) i denied it all, thinking he could never like a girl like me..
    Sue and I grew more distant.. and the closer I got with john.. the more sue looked at me with sad/mad/funny expressions. Until we just didn’t talk to each other
    We both tried a couple times to be friends again.. and it never worked. I felt like she wasn’t even trying.. like I didn’t matter. Later I gave up. A while after I gave up. She tried to talk to me a little more. I just treated it like what ever. She wasn’t going to stay long. Because we already tried multiple times to fix things.
    The year ended and we didn’t talk or see each other over the summer. However when school started again into our junior year.. we would occasionally have very small talk. She would ask about me and john.. but the first week of school.. johns dad died… and it was very stressful for both of us… sue saw john and me.. and I saw her crying at school.. I hugged her.. I hug crying people and make them laugh.. my thing. She told me thank you.. and hugged john. Which didn’t bother me. John mentioned wanting to be friends with her again. Like the old times. But I didn’t want her back in my life. Not because I hated her.
    Anyway a few times shed try to talk to me and I would talk back.. but one day she over heard me talking to another friend
    About how her ex and her boyfriends ex were at the same football game and she was worried. I simply told her “don’t worry about exes” and sue was right behind me. She must have thought I was talking about because later that day she went up to john and told him “your girlfriend hates my guts” now she avoids me at all cost and of I speak to her she ignores me completely. She does anything so she doesn’t sit next to me…

    Anyway now she sometimes glances at me and we never speak unless we absolutely have to. I catch her looking at me. And a picture of us is still posted on her instagram from when we first stopped talking.. under the picture she talks about missing me… I don’t completely know what I did for her to hate me now. Because before we explained how we were over everything in the past. She’s happy for me and john

    I don’t know.. I’m not completely over it like I act like I do.. btw all names here are fake. Hopefully I didn’t comment this on someone elses post. I’m sorry I’m new!!

  18. Autumn says:

    Dear Irene,
    One of my best friends, who is a guy, suddenly started to act weird and make excuses to not hang out with me. We walk from our school to the city library everyday, so this was a surprise. I was already kinda disappointed that he couldn’t come to my birthday because his family is (supposedly) going fishing that day, so I started to get a little suspicious. I asked a couple of our mutual friends and it turns out he said he just didn’t want to look gay hanging out with a bunch of girls, which he already does. I told him about this and said I would have understood if he would have just told me, but he denied ever saying it! He said that I had done something wrong and that he didn’t want to tell me and hurt my feelings, which it already has. I can’t stop listing in my head things that are wrong with me and its driving me crazy, no help that I can’t talk to my best friend about it. Please help me, I don’t know why all of the sudden he can’t stand to be around me anymore, it feels like a punch in the gut that never stops hurting. Thanks for listening,

  19. Jess says:

    okay so I’m in a very hard situation. I’m 15 and my best friend is 22. We were like sisters, could never fall out or anything, we could always relate to each other and we had a hobby that we bonded over. I’m grateful to her for everything and I’ve told her this so many times. But now someone that we both know has told her things that aren’t right, this woman is her boss so it’s hard, but she told her things that weren’t accurate and she’s taken rumours and made them her own telling my best friend that I have been saying stuff when I haven’t. Due to this situation my best friend has lost a lot of important things, she thinks this is my fault and when she told me she can’t trust me anymore I couldn’t believe it, all this because of one woman. I feel so terrible still even though I’ve done nothing wrong. But now my ‘ex’ best friend is trying to avoid me and she has believed everything the woman told her so I know she feels like I’ve backstabbed her but I know my mouth has stayed shut about everything she ever told me in confidence. What do I do? What do I say? She’s told me a million times how mature she thinks I am for my age especially when I gave her advice but now she’s believing an adult over me and it’s obviously because of my age. I’m hurting so much and I’m lost without her, she’s like a big sister and she’s the only person I’ve got. PLEASE HELP

    • Alicia says:

      That’s terrible :( Have you ever tried to confront the person who is telling her all of these bad rumors? You should try to give her a piece of your mind, and if she threatens to tell your friend even more rumors or something like that, it won’t be any worse than it is now.
      Another approach you could take is to try to talk to your friend, if she waves you off write a letter or an email so she can’t just ignore you. Tell her everything you guys did together, how hard life is without her, how another person can’t just boss her around. If you really are her best friend, she’s probably know you for longer, and hasn’t known the woman spreading rumors as long. Ask her, who should she really trust right now?
      If that doesn’t work either, wait for her to come around.
      But if she doesn’t come around at all, move on. If a best friend is willing to trust another woman over you–even when your try to talk to her– she doesn’t deserve your friendship at all.

      • Jess says:

        thankyou for the reply Alice. I can’t confront the woman that said stuff to her because it’s her boss.. I don’t to cause any trouble..? I need to be careful but I need to sort something out? Also she hasn’t got an email and she would rip the letter up.. I know it doesn’t sound good towards me but she’s lost 3 things important to her and because of the woman she thinks it’s my fault so I honestly wouldn’t know how to put anything in words to her. It’s too hard. I’d go into more detail but I can’t risk it. I’ve also found out I’m ill, but I don’t know whether to say anything because she’ll probably think it’s just something to get her to talk to me, I’ve known for two weeks but I never knew how to tell her, and I fear if I do it now she’ll hate me even more.

      • Jess says:

        ugh spell check.. I meant Alicia X

  20. Amy says:

    Please reply, i need help!
    I’ve known this girl since the beginning of high school and we used to get along really well and spend loads of time together. But 2 weeks before half term she and one of my other friends got in a fight about something so that lunchtime, me and all my other friends except her and and another girl were discussing how they’d been acting a little cold towards us and that we wouldn’t pick sides because we didn’t want to hurt anyone. For a couple days after the two girls didn’t talk to us at all, so I would try and ask why but she would act like i wasn’t there. She soon confronted us and said that someone had told her that at that lunchtime we had been talking badly about her behind her back to which we said we hadn’t and we would never do something like that because they were our friends at which point she stormed off. After a while she was talking to everyone except me and two other girls so every so often I would say hi or offer to help but was met with nothing. I would also message her and tell her i hadn’t done anything, i was trying my hardest to tell her and be friends again. Before half term she came into the canteen and ttold me to come outside alone. She told me she knew i had been being mean and spreading rumours and the fact that i was ‘lying’ about it was bad, she told me she didn’t want to be friends anymore. The other girl who had been ignoring me started to talk to me again in lessons but when she’s around her she doesn’t talk to me. She doesn’t want to hear the truth and nothing i say can change her mind. She bullys my friend on the bus to and from school every day and no-one is their to defend her. People come up to me all the time and ask ‘why do you hate her so much?’ and ‘why are you spreading rumours about her?’ and ‘you told me that you hadn’t said anything about her but someone told me you’ve been spreading rumours about her’ people around me start to lose trust in me, they think i’m lying because of what they’re being told. Everytime i see her in the corridoor it feels like someone has ripped out my heart and crushed it, it hurts so much. I know you’ll say that i should move on, that if she acts like this it’s not worth it, But i can’t. I see her with my friends and think ‘that could be me’ everytime i try to move on i think about all the good times and think maybe she’ll come around but in the back of my mind i know thats not true. But still i have hope. I just want to know what to do, can she ever be my friend again? Can she see someone elses point of view? How can i stop her bullying my friend? If you can’t help me, tell me how to make the pain stop, tell me how to forget because i don’t want to hurt anymore.

    • Alice says:

      Dear Amy,

      I totally know what it feels like to be in your situation. A friend of mine did this to me and whenever I see her I still have that heart wrenching sensation followed by the flow of thoughts of ‘what if’ or ‘maybe I should’ve’. When she first told me that she didn’t want to be friends anymore I felt like a bomb had dropped into my world and shattered it into a million pieces.

      But remember this: Just because she doesn’t acknowledge you two are friends anymore doesn’t mean that you still won’t look out for her in case she falls.

      Despite this, you never know, she might come around. As for the people who come up to you and ask you why you hate her and etc., ignore them. They don’t know what the situation is and even if they did know, they’re not a part of it. As for the bullying… my friend’s are very protective and as soon as they find someone’s hurt me they return the favour. Maybe you should try and reason with the girl? Don’t do it by yourself though, there’s safety in numbers!

      Keep your head up high and smile because even if she doesn’t come round you have other friend’s who love and care about you.

  21. Monique says:

    I have this friend she was really really close to me we knew each other since kindergarten and I still know her but we got in a big fight over summer the school started we didn’t talk do like 2 weeks or so then we both apologize we we best friends again then a girl came in our friendship and know that’s her best friend she tell and talk to her like we use too but now I just don’t know what to do

  22. stency says:

    Sometimes I feel like my best friend keep so much secret form me and usually I have to ask her so she would be able to tell me sometimes. But she tell her other best friend more secret than me and usually in front off me which I feel left out sometimes and wen I usually tell my best friend someting she wouldn’t want her other but to fell left out but IDC usually but what do I do and what does it mean

  23. melanie says:

    I have known this guy at work for 10 yrs and the day i met him we fought like cats and dogs but that made us closer.there is no day at work that we talk and laugh everyone thinks we are going out.but he tells everyone that i was his future ex wife and i call him my bf. All this yrs we had a good friendship to where he will say i love you and i would say thesame thing infront of our co workers.but now we ignore each other and it is hurting me . I am trying to figure out what to do and so its easier for me to just move on and just not talk to him at all. But i am having a hard time right now everytime i see him and we dont even say hi to each other i wonder if he feels thesame thing.

    • Michael says:

      I’ve been friends with a woman at work – platonic friends, nothing more, for a number of years. We enjoyed each other’s company, helping each other, talking to each other, fun emails, sharing chocolate, nothing out of hand. On cold days she’d warm her hands on mine, with colleagues around, so not hiding our friendship. It was obvious to others that we liked each other. We’re both married and I respect that. My friend is attractive and I recognise her beauty but never think of her in an inappropriate way. She means the world to me and she’s the one person I can talk to, confide in, rely on and trust. I’d rather remain friends with her for years than for anything to happen and me to lose her friendship. I’d spend times away from work thinking of her, weekends at home and time on holiday thinking of her. At one stage every time she walked by my window and gave me a lovely smile I’d get butterflies in my stomach.

      Just before she left the place we were working (due to her horrid boss) she told me she loved me. I smiled at her and said nothing. Ever since that day I have regretted that. I love her to bits, as a friend, and so wish I had told her so, I feel so bad.

      We had lunch a couple of times, in public, just a coffee, a snack and a chat. As we parted she’d initiate a hug – as friends do, again nothing intimate, but that re-affirmed our friendship for me.

      My friend moved to a new company, by chance several of our ex-bosses also did and I joined that company a year later. We saw each other less than before but still got on well. Her comment to me that she loved me kept coming back to me (and still does) – I tried to ask her last year what she meant, but since then we speak less and this is tearing me apart. I’ll always like, love, admire and respect her, purely as a friend, and I so desperately want things to be back how they were.

      I love this woman so much. We still have the occasional ‘hiya’ in the corridor, but nothing much more than that. She won’t make eye contact like she used to, so I think something’s wrong.

      Like I said, they are boundaries we’d never cross, I haven’t tried to, wouldn’t want to and I feel I’ve done nothing wrong, I just want to know exactly how she feels too, I just want things back as they were, as good friends.

      There are always other people around in her office, not of her making, so there’s no opportunity for me to talk to her alone, like we sometimes did in the past. Email and text aren’t very personal, I’ve thought about writing a letter or card as I rarely see her to speak to on my own; I just want things to be better between us and I’d had to widen the gap further in our friendship.

      My one Christmas wish this year is that we can return to the friendship were previously shared next year.

      I’m happy to be there for her as her friend, if she needs and ear or a shoulder, or some friendly company. :-(

      • Leeanne says:

        The two of you were having an emotional affair. It sounds like she realized this. Maybe she is now relieved that there is distance between the two of you and is redirecting her attention to her husband. It’s difficult because you’re emotionally invested in her whether you realize it or not. I would back off and start paying attention to your wife before you lose her too.

        • Michael says:

          Thanks Leanne, I’ve never thought of it as an affair, just a friendship. Yes, I realise I’m emotionally invested in her.

          I didn’t ask for this to happen, she’s a wonderful lady and I’d never want to do anything to upset or hurt her, but can’t help the way I feel either.

          As I’ve said it’s purely been friendship, nothing else wanted or implied, so I’d always thought of that in a different way to a love affair, as far as I was concerned we were two people who got on well as friends, nothing more.

          Why do you think she told me that she loved me those 3 years ago? Was I wrong not to react then? Was I wrong to ask her what she meant last year?

          If she’d explained herself that she loved me as a friend, something like “You’ve been a good friend to me and I love you for that” I’d understand, but all she said was “Michael, I love you” so I’m a little puzzled. I love her too, as a friend.



          • Pickle says:

            I would agree it is an emotional affair. I think your kidding yourself that you just see her as a friend. You want to know what she meant when she said she loves you? Honestly i have no idea. But its blatantly obvious to everyone on this thread that you want to know if she has feelings for you, because if she did you would leave your wife in a heartbeat for this women given the chance.
            Im hazarding a guess she is quite attractive and perhaps your and her “friendship” was really born out of your attraction to her and her liking that attention. If your thinking about her this much its not fair on your wife. Your wife should be in your thoughts to this extent not this women. If you don’t care about your wife and your hoping to “better deal” her given the chance do her a favour and tell her now she shes not wasting her life with a man who is clearly not bothered.

            • Michael says:

              Thanks Pickle. To me, yes, she’s attractive, not movie star, but an everyday person who makes an effort to look good.

              To be totally honest, not sure how it started, more mutal I think, nothing specific from either side really. Agree she perhaps liked the attention, and I know I did.

              Marriage is a different story. I respect my wife, she works very hard and has achieved well, but I can’t honestly say I feel the same for her now as I did 20 years ago, and that feeling has been around for a while. The impression my wife gives is similar too. Still respect for each other. Love? Less sure.

              Just to say, as I hadn’t before, that I’m 48, my friend is 42 and my wife 44. Not that age has any great bearing, but there’s no massive age gap either way.


              • Pickle says:

                Fair points. Sorry if i was a bit blunt I just don’t like people to get hurt. Especially unsuspecting wifes. Ask your wife if shes bothered about you staying (you need clarification on the impression you have) and ask this women what she meant. Just go up and ask at least you will know even if its awkward. ( It wouldn’t bother me if a man asked me something straight up I would respect his honesty and respect for clarification ). Lifes short what do you have to loose.
                Good luck

                • Michael says:

                  Thanks again.

                  Message I get from wife about my prospective job change (weekday nights away from here, nowhere near my friend either, just to clarify) is that it can’t come soon enough for her. We don’t have full-blown rows but many minor disagreements – she’s on a short fuse much of the time.

                  I will ask my friend what she meant – as you say, life’s too short, but I don’t want to hurt or upset her, which is why I’ve held back.

                  Just for 100% clarity, it’s not about wanting to jump into her bed. I’ve had few friends in my life, male or female, and we seemed to get on well, just as friends – I’d be happy just to chat with her for hours.

                  Like I’d said before, and I mean this honestly, I’d rather have several years of good friendship, chats, a coffee now and again, swapping birthday cards, than spoiling things for something different in the short term, which is not what I’m seeking.

                  I feel privileged to know my friend, think I’m a better person for knowing her. Just seeing her brightens my day.

                  Thanks again for your thoughts.

          • Leeanne says:

            Michael, I think when she said she loved you, she actually at that moment, loved you.
            This is just my opinion but I think you should try to emotionally reconnect with your wife. Sometimes marriages become stale and the lure of the unknown becomes almost impossible to resist.
            If your wife finds out how much you pine for this woman she will probably be deeply hurt. Can you really live with that? This is just a suggestion but why don’t you start romancing your wife again? Start off with simple things…a walk, flowers or just a meaningful conversation. You might get back whatever it us that you’re missing.

      • Lauren says:

        I have to agree with Leeanne. Yes, it does sound like an emotional affair. Your friend seems to have realized that, and now she is backing off for a cooling off period, and perhaps she is focusing more on he husband now.
        Check out info on “emotional affairs” on Google.

        • Michael says:

          Thanks Lauren,

          I’d never intended for anyone to be hurt, never wanted to steal her away, or anything like that, but it seems I’m the one hurting after she told me she loved me.

          I can’t help the way I feel and although I perhaps should try to distance myself, this is easier said than done.

          I may have the opportunity to change jobs in the new year, and this would take me to a different part of the country, so I’d rarely see my friend, but would still think of her often.

          She’s great to work with, would ask me to help with little things, rather than other people. She means so much to me, the first time I saw her 13 years ago I noticed her. When she left the place we both worked at before, there were two people who had some tears the day she went, one of course was me.

          Thanks for the suggestion on Google – yes, sounds very much like what I’ve experienced.

          I love her so much though – sit here with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. Always in my thoughts as I drive around on my own. I get on with life but it was much better when she was a part of it – she put a smile on my face.

          Thanks again,


          • Lauren says:

            Thanks for the update, Michael. I sympathise, as I feel that you are in pretty much constant pain over this situation. I can’t guess what she really meant when she said that she loved you. I can see how this must have been confusing and very emotive.Perhaps in another place at another time, things would have been different for you two.

            I don’t know if you wish to separate from your wife or not at this time. But then of course, your friend may have chosen to taken a different route by now (deciding to stay with her husband). Who knows? You may separate from yo0ur wife and then in time find yourself alone, or maybe not. Only you can decide.

            I wonder if you have ever thought about talking to a therapist about all of this to gain clearer insight and direction. It might help you greatly in this web of emotion and unrequited love. You sound like a very sincere person. I wish you all the best.

            • Michael says:

              Thanks Lauren. I’ve not sought therapy yet – must admit not sure what’s available here in UK, but thanks, that’s very much worth exploring.

              • Lauren says:

                You are welcome, Michael. I guess options for therapy in the UK are a bit different from here in large cities in North America. But check into it anyways. Make sure the person is a professional therapist with sound educational credentials in the field, and specializes in this particular area. I do feel for you, and I wish you all the best. It has to be emotional turmoil for you.

                In the meantime, perhaps try to emotionally reconnect with your wife, if possible. Explore the city, take dinner cruise out on the bay, buy her flowers, take a mini trip to a country resort, etc. And see how that goes and how you feel about things. I wish you well.

  24. ray says:

    hi i am ray and my friend’s name is navya..
    we were really nice friends 2 months ago but something happened and i don’t know what, she stopped talking to me and we became the unusual hi-hello friends i can’t just go and ask her what the problem iS because i tried that before and she said that, “we are still the same kind of friends nothing has changed”. what should i do?

  25. Rashmi says:

    Dear Irene,

    My best guy friend isnt talking to me. We are the best of friends from like many days. But now my wedding is in few months and from that time on he is not talking to me nicely. We stay in different cities. But that has never stopped us from being be sties. He doesn’t reply to my telegrams or my whatsapp or emails. When I call he says he is busy doing patients(we are both dentists). He replies to my telegrams very late and that also just ok or hmmm or later on something like this. He is married too but his wife stays in other country for job purpose. How to get my best friend back ? I’m loosing him I feel. I miss him a lot. Please help me get him back


  26. Lyjeria says:

    I’m pretty young, in middle school. I met a friend when I joined the softball team late last year because I was new. My friend and I had a click. We both liked to dance, both of us were crazy, and funny. I thought we were gonna have the best time ever being friends. Now that school has started again and she’s in eighth grade. We look at each other most times, but we don’t talk anymore. Today in chorus, another friend called me but I didn’t hear her, so since my old friend was sitting next to her she called my name. I turned my head around slowly and looked at her, then my other friend and we said hi to each other. When I turned around she acted very weird when I looked at her. I was thinking about putting a note into her locker but I don’t know if I should or not. So right now I am confused. Does she think that she is too good to be my friend? Does she think that just because she is older she can’t be friends with me? I need an answer. If there is one…

  27. Until now I did not notice these things. I’m glad you’ve mentioned. I understand what you mean. I must thank you for this article

  28. Taylor Reed says:

    Mt Friend had a best friend and all of a sudden she ended there 6 year friendship because he said she said stuff and now they will not speak to each other they cant even stand to be in the same room and I tried to message the girl on Facebook but she will not tell me or answer back just because I am friends with her ex-Friend please help me cause I want them to be back friends again.

  29. K_brown says:

    I had a friend since HS I lost and I’m hurt.. One if those occasions when its a long story I am friends with Rose Leslie and Kat. We all went to the same HS we all knew each other .. During HS me and rose grew tight but after HS she got with a military bf and we aren’t as close but still hung out ..after HS I had issues with mom moved out and roommated with Kat and a mutual friend me and Kat clicked since we lived together we quickly found we had a lot in common..Leslie moved in about a year later we really didn’t hang much until she did come around it was okay but apparently Kat hooked Leslie up with a fellow that she used to date but didn’t think it would get too serous ..well it did eventually Kat moved out to be with the fellow yet he was still dating the two.so while all this was going on I’m in the middle kats talkn bout Leslie vice versa..years move on me and Leslie still lived together we did everything’ together. I have an issue with being too nice even naive when it comes to so called friends.. Turns out Leslie isn’t much of a friend she flirts with her friends boyfriends practically throwing herself at them, I found out on more than one occasion she talked bad about me .. All along I remained her only friend thinking back I wish I would’ve cut her poisonous self out my life and maybe I’d have my bf..FFWD my father came into my life a few years ago .. we even moved in together it was great until we found out he was suffering terribly from mental issues I was on edge I couldnt handle the stress from my father it was bad.. Rose had a studio like apt behind her house .. i moved from my dads to the studio.. I bumped into Kat one day she had a abusive boyfriend at the time an was going through the motions was pregnant and stressed she told me she finally left him n moved in her own apt not too far from my dad so the loving friend I am I was there for her hand and foot I mean I wanted to be. The baby’s born she makes me the god mother for the next year and a half were inseparable BFF’s. all the while I have cut off ties with Leslie just as a result of bring tired of her antics.. So now she’s clung to rose who is also aware of Leslie’s antics they get pretty close.. Close enough to come together an derive sum sick plot to tear me and Kat apart due to pure jealousy..it seems since me and Kat were so close as seen out and thorough social networks that apparently had gotten Rose and Leslie jealous WHEN IT HIT THE FAN the day before thanksgiving Leslie calls Kat (even though Everytime she’s around me and rose she acts like she hates her) calling wanting to hang out aware of her tactics kats tells her about the plans we had for the holiday excluding her well I guess she didn’t like what she heard because she started telling Kat that I had been bad mouthing her telling her personal business just basically running me Over with a train it was horrible.. I recieved a pretty lengthy text from kat telling me how hurt she was getting that type of news from Leslie and how much she trusted and loved me and never done anything like that to me why would I do such a thing.. I wAs baffled since I didn’t talk to Leslie much I calked rose an I asked her of the general things I tell her eg. Rose came with me to buy my godson some diapers and tells Leslie but my question to rose u
    Is why tell Leslie when she KNOws she cannot stand kat? Anyways I extended every effort to show I was sorry I sent flowers apologized numerous of occasions she felt I betrayed her trust and in her words it will never be the same..it was hard at first fir me to accept it.. I grew so attached to my gson he calked me by name I seem him everyday all of a sudden was gone.. I reached out via text n we slowly reclaimed friendship it was brief she calked me one day in feb an said she wanted her friend Back we went to Walmart an it seemed things were patching up..still hurt by the situation she would say please don’t talk about me to rosé and Kat they are so jealous of our friendship we are real friends you shouldn’t want to deal with people who tried to break up our friendship she practically hated Leslie for that.. I distanced my self from the both more Leslie than Rose. I moved out the studio from rosé so confused.. I didn’t kno what go do. A mutual friend was killed in his business in may as I went to the scene where his friends and family were Leslie saw me.. Kinda aplolgized for the issue with her Kat and myself but that wasn’t the time or place .. I kinda brushed it off.. A mutual friend of kats calked her and hold her she had seen me with Leslie :/ she explained one last time how she doesn’t think I should be around Leslie because Leslie doesn’t like her and really doesn’t like me either.. on Mother’s Day I text everyone she never replied sent her a fb message she tells everyone thanks except me I babysat my gson a few days later and asked her about that day she says she was really fed up and just wanted to cut people off..even me im like really feeling like this situation will never die regardless of my apologies..THE CUT OFF so she decides to have a family barbeque and asks me to bring a dish .. I’m a bit Leary because we are not talkn at least on a regular basis like we did so on the day of the barbeque I call to see if it’s still goin on then before the convo is over I ask are you mad at me? She replies no because I don’t call u everyday ?I’m content and go to the barbeque.. I never thought thSt would be the last time I’d see my godson in person. Soon after that no calls no return calls /text unfortunatley she talks to a really shady cousin of mine and I learned from her that she just couldn’t trust me and literally cut me off.. At first I was sad I’m really emotional when it comes to ppl I love then angry now I’m just like why? I think about her and my gson everyday I miss her friendship sooo much. I feel I have no friends I have no social life.. I see rosé time to time she’s really helpful when it comes to job advice and her a Leslie are cordial hey go eat . This whole summer passed without my friend l just looked on fb and noticed she JUST UNFRIENDED me OUCH! I sent her a msg I told her I missed her she said she missed me too.. It didn’t seem genuine.. I took it and ran with it..now when I’m around rosé or Leslie or both I hate it it feels like they’ve won what they wanted to happen happened I’m no longer kats friend and they’re ok with that they maybe happy but I’m so sad.. I’ve confronted both about the issue Rose finally admits to being a factor in this messy plot and Leslie even though she’s aplolgized says I thought you guys made up.. Well apparently she’s that hurt.. I don’t know what to do I kno I really want my TRU friend Back or could Kat be playing on my emotions I’m so hurt and confused…..

  30. Doctor Leave says:

    I know what all of you are going through. Love can be the best thing in our lives and also be the worst thing as well. I am going to give you some advice that someone gave me long ago that will snp you out of this. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”. Accept this happened and move on! No words can help you feel better! You need to start being mad at this person. Turn your Love to Hate for this person why you still have a chance. Never give up on yourself just because they have given up on you. You could meet in a scene 5 years from now and things could change in an instant. So pick yourself up off the ground. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”!! They dont feel bad so why should you? Let me stress that they are not your world, You Are!! Get Mad!! Be a Man or Woman and just say screw them. Yourlife starts at that moment.

    • Mina says:

      I like your suggestion of moving on, not pitying oneself, and moving on… but I would suggest staying away from anger or resentment towards these people. The anger doesn’t do anything but hurt you. Sometimes people in life don’t “click”, and that’s okay. If the friendship is meant to be, the parties will work it out. Stay away from the anger, trust me. Resentment is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to die.

  31. Anth Tamburell says:

    I’m 100% heartbroken, now. My ex-girlfriend hardly talked to me, ’cause her new bf doesn’t want her talking to her exes (me being one of them). Now she shut me out of her life for him! After all the times I’ve been there for her to make sure she was happy (even as a friend, I didn’t want her feeling upset), this is what I get: Her new boyfriend harassing me online and through her phone, not hearing from her often because of him, said boyfriend not wanting her talking to me, and now she shuts out of her frickin’ life for her boyfriend! What should I do!? :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3

    • Krissyy says:

      Oh that’s too bad =)

      • mariel says:

        Oh just move on, life must go on, there’s a lot of girls out there. Just simply think that they loved each other now. (That might be the reason why her new boy doesn’t want to hear you talking with her)Just try to put yourself on the situation, you’ll also do that if you’re still with her.

        • Anth Tamburell says:

          IT’S HARD FOR ME TO MOVE ON NOW!!! I’LL NEVER BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND MY AGE (not revealing the exact age) WHO WON’T DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME!!! Do YOU think I will? :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3

          • Bobby says:

            Seriously, move on. If you want to get back with her, tell her. If she wants to, great. If not, respect her decision and let her be with her new boyfriend. Sounds like you do have feelings for her still, so it’s not fair to the new guy if you talk to her. Imagine how it would feel being with someone and then she’s constantly talking to her ex who has feleings for her. I know its tough, but its better just to walk away and move on with your life as opposed to dragging this out and wasting time

        • Anth Tamburell says:

          It REALLY IS hard for me to move on since she was my first love! Haven’t you ever felt the same way?! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3

          • starosh says:

            Dude. It’s okay… I’ve been friends with someone since 6th grade but in the middle of 7th grade, she just ignored me because she changed from her new evil friend that was once and is still my enemy since 4th grade. I get it. Whenever I say, “Hi!” She just thinks the fact that I’m invisible or not in the same room with her! She used to be really nice, caring, and helpful, but after being friends with this enemy of mine, who is always stubborn, the teachers pet, smart, and very sassy, she is becoming just like her. Like just two days ago, she came up to me with my enemy behind her saying stuff like I hate you and no one will ever like you!

    • L.L. says:

      you must understand once your were not her boyfriend anymore, she is available for others. other men are not going to want their girlfriend talking to old boyfriends. also she will eventually marry and you will never see, hear from, or know about her anymore. a broken relationship does not continue on for a lifetime.
      be mature and understand life and how it works and respect her decision to move on. realize once you meet the woman your going to marry you will not want to talk to you exs anymore either and neither will you woman want you talking to them. this is how life works, its not one big happy hug festival forever with everyone you have known. it selfish of you to not want to cut ties also unhealthy for you. never contact her again, you will have done the right thing.

      • Anth Tamburell says:

        You haven’t felt this way at all? :(

        • Rakel says:

          Hi, i have been in your position but the right thing to do is to move on. it took me a long time but i did it. it is hard i know. you will find the right girl one day, maybe not tomorrow but one day. i understand that her boyfriend doesn’t want you talking to her, if it was you, you wouldn’t want your girlfriends exes talking to her. Move on it will be better for you.!

  32. isoqueen says:

    I have a friend who I have been through alot with. To make a long story short we had not seen each other in years and ran into each other at a get together. The guy I was with, we both knew, started seeing both of us at the same time and we didn’t know until we started putting pieces of the puzzle together. This brought us closer. This happened a few years ago. However over the last 6 months she has been distant. She has gradually stopped returning calls or texts. A few months ago I went on a trip with her a her grown child. Her child is obviously very spoiled, spoke to her mother terribly. Ever since the trip she has been even more distant. I posted something on Facebook, had a bad day. She asked me if I was upset with her. I told her absolutely not. Then after a few weeks of trying to get a hold of her, I asked her if she was mad at me. She said no just busy. I have asked her to go out but busy. However going out with others along with husband. From the trip she owes me money. I have asked her for it, but yet to receive it. She asked for copies of receipts, which I gladly sent. Still have not received money nor any communication. Sometimes when we were together we would talk about what happened to both of us. I apologized for bringing it up and she said I could vent anytime I wanted. On our trip she seemed so tense, but when her child was not around she was her old self. I am so confused. She says she is not mad but is being distant. She says I haven’t done anything. I don’t know if she is embarrassed because I saw how her child treats her. I don’t know if its the money, that maybe she doesn’t have it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t care about the money. Its not enough to ruin a friendship over. Should I just leave her alone? First she thought I might be mad at her, now she has distanced herself.

    • Lauren says:

      You mentioned that after the trip, you posted something on Facebook. subsequent to that, she was cooler towards you. What was it that you posted on FB? Perhaps that is what is upsetting her.

      • isoqueen says:

        No I know the FB post wasn’t it because she thought I was upset with her. I just posted something sad not aggressive. I never post sad things I am always up beat on social media. I did hear from her today she thanked me for being patient on the money she owes me. My response was, not a big deal. That I was worried about her and if she needed anything I was there for her.

        • Lauren says:

          Thanks for the update. That’s good that everything is cool again now with your friend.

          • My Info says:

            Yes. We went through so much together. We overcame a cheating sociopath becoming great friends instead of enemies which is the outcome we learned sociopaths hope for

  33. Anna says:

    Things like this rarely happen for no reason; as a matter of fact, I’d almost guarantee that something happened and she was hurt or offended by something.

    I have had to cut contact with a “close friend” before. She makes everyone’s life miserable. She openly flirts and sends sexual text messages to our friends’ husbands and boyfriends. She turns every conversation around to be focused on her and her problems. She lies, manipulates, and cheats in numerous and varied contexts. She regularly cries in order to get out of trouble. She gossips and ruins people’s reputations. She sets up people to have their hearts broken.

    She and I used to be “close friends.” Quite frankly, I no longer trust her to know any part of my personal life whatsoever, because she has consistently proven that she will use any information and any weakness she finds to create drama and pain, because she thrives on it.

    And honestly, most of her friends have left her too. And she doesn’t understand why. Several have tried to talk to her about the problem, myself included, but she makes no honest attempts to address her problems.

    She goes through friends quickly. People get to know her, get burned by her, and leave her.

    But she feels that she’s the victim, that people don’t like her due to reasons completely unrelated to the actual issues, because she won’t face them. Because then it would mean she had to take responsibility for all the hurt, lies, confusion, manipulation, and pain she consistently causes in the relationships surrounding her.

    So yeah, I’ve blocked her, without warning. She has hurt me and ruined enough relationships in my life that she is no longer welcome in my world.

    It rarely is without reason. People don’t just “drop” other people without cause.

    • Kiki says:

      You are exactly right, no one drops someone without a lot of forethought. I gave up a freind of twenty-five years who has become so bitter towards anyone else’s success that it makes her hard to be around. She was always extremely jealous and competitive with other women, but it had never turned towards me until I got married. With her competitive attitude, she resents any success I have and tries to make me look bad with people who are acquaintances to me(really weird). I kept thinking this is a phase, but she fell deeper and deeper into her abyss as the years went by. I would come home from vacations upset, but kept thinking this will surely pass. Our last trip together, with a few others, was extremely hurtful, a woman commented on my high intelligence, and you know what hit the fan. She ignored me, said degrading things, anything to make me look bad…it was really painful, as well as very pathetic on her part. Being wise, I kept my mouth shut. When we were alone she would say bad things about the other women, which has never happened with people she claims as friends. It was a painful decision, but the right one. I knew if I spoke with her, she would deny it just like any other toxic or abusive person. I still miss talking with her, but unless she finds personal happiness and apologizes, I see no reconciliation in the future. Let them go.

      • Titlayo olaniyi says:

        Kiki,i’m actually going through the same situation with you..it’s really sad when i think friends should always been there for each other but my ex friend did opposite..i was with her through thick and rough times ..we were best of friends ,,but everything changed as soon as she found another friend totally dished me out as if we never share nothing together as friend ..when i need her she wasnt there to comfort me ..i never felt so alone like this in my entire life ..i look up to her as my sister ,but she proved to me i shouldn’t..and i think is the right decision as we go apart .

  34. Madeleine Hodges says:

    My friend that I treated her like part of my family shut me out of her life.

    • taylor says:

      Maybe she did not want to be treated like a family. Maybe she wants you to be a friend. Family more or less means there are certain personal boundaries that are broken, but in friendship, this is lesser likely to happen.

      • Kiki says:

        I agree with Taylor. When someone starts to treat you like their family, and their relationship with their family is toxic, you are in trouble. It can be either boundary issues or sibling rivalries, but once it turns towards you their old behavorial patterns emerge and the friendship shifts into something that isn’t friendship anymore. Maybe that happened in your situation.

  35. Kamie says:

    My best friend has been through a lot- she’s very insecure, partly because of the way some people have treated her, making her think she’s not good enough. But the thing is, I’ve never thought that she’s not good enough. My other best friends and her have had a tension between them for two years but I thought they were over that and then a mutual friend who I had thought really was good friends with my best friend didn’t invite her to her party. The event had been on my calendar for about two months. My best friend asked me if I was free, if I could go something, and I told her that so far I only had one day where I had nothing to do all day, and that was a true statement. I didn’t want to tell her about the event because she’d feel left out. But then she found out about it the day after the event and is now very mad at me. She thought I was just blowing her off and I told her what really happened but she’s still mad for saying I only had one day free- which was true when she asked me. What do I do?

    • Leeanne says:

      I’m not sure how old you are but I’ve found that you can’t go wrong with honesty. I’m not talking about using honesty to be cruel which some people use as an excuse to be unkind, but when asked a question…just be honest. Always be honest…you might not be popular all of the time but people will eventually know that if it’s coming out of your mouth it’s the truth.

  36. Megan says:

    So, my like best friend was talking to me, making me laugh, and making feel better and everything. Then she came to 1 of my softball games and after that, she kind of just shut me out. I miss her and it makes me feel really dumb that I lost yet another friend.

  37. Sasha says:

    I have the same issue with my best friend of 15 years. She was maid of honor at my wedding and we were both present for the births of our children. It is not uncommon for us to not speak to each other for 6 months at a time. But anytime either of us is going through a crisis we are always there for each other, until recently.

    She recently moved back into the same city as me and we have been trying to connect to get together and catch up, see each others kids, etc. Up until 3 weeks ago she would speak with me via text message. Now I am going through a trial separation with my husband and could really use a friend right now and she hasn’t returned my calls, texts, or emails.

    I told her that I cant understand why she is ignoring me, and asked if there is something wrong, but still no response. I have even messaged her on facebook, just in case she wasn’t receiving my texts or emails, so she has read my messages. I have no idea what I did to deserve this. If she had said that she was having problems with her boyfriend I would immediately pick up the phone to console her and do whatever she needed me to do. This is so out of the norm and I have told her that the stress of her not returning my calls and my problems with my husband are hurting me equally as bad. Still no response… I don’t know what to do.

    I am not ready to end my friendship with her, but I told her that if she really doesn’t want to be my friend than please just tell me so that I can start the grieving process of a loss friend. Still no response…

    This is just too much to bear for me right now. I am distracted at work and all I can think about is her.

    • Sasha says:

      The last time I spoke with her was 3 weeks ago, she had cancelled our date to get the kids together and go swimming, becuase she was having to still go back to their last house to get the remainder of their stuff (just moved). I said we were also in the same boat that my son’s ear infection might have moved to the other ear. We arrange (at her suggestion) to talk later that evening and see what was up. I texted her and said that my husband was about to give our son a bath was it a good time to talk, no response, I called about 30 min later and left a message. That was the last time I heard from her.

    • taylor says:

      hope you have moved on

    • Nadia Assad says:

      omgosh i know exactly how you feel! i had a best friend for about 6 years we were so close and the i got really ill she was there for me in the beginning but i had a few mental problems and she told me to take it somewhere else because she wasnt bothered with it! then i said sorry so many times bought her gifts went to her house but still she wouldnt talk properly to me..i lost so much sleep over it…neways in the end i decided to tell her to go away…but it didnt work out to good for me as now i need councelling and i have crazy insomnia…my advise to you is ignore her and live ur own life but dnt say anything to her….because then it will end completely….just let her be shes not a true friend if she is ignoring u x

    • Mrs. Chen says:

      If it were me, I’d think that something horrible had happened to her rendering her incapacitated or unreachable. Are you sure she is physically ok? Could you contact someone she lives with just to make sure she is ok?

      And if she is ok, then you need to move on. She has made herself extremely clear — she doesn’t care about you anymore. I am sorry to tell you this, but you need to cut your losses. The good news is that she isn’t the only fish in the sea.

  38. Ariana says:

    I know how you feel its like my best friend doesn’t want to be seen with me even though I haven’t done anything wrong I guess you just have to deal with it because she obviously has made up her mind but if she can’t understand how great you are well then its her loss

  39. Linda says:


    I am not saying this is what happened but there is one friend that I dropped suddenly after her husband made a rude and inappropriate pass at me in their own hallway during a dinner party at their house. I could never feel comfortable with either one of them again. I didn’t know whether to tell her, to slap him or to tell my own boyfriend who was there also, so I just hid out from them both. And this was shortly after they were married. I am the one who fixed them up. UGH!!!

    • Candice says:

      Linda, I wish it would sound politically correct to say that I wish you had slapped him. LOL. But based on experience, when the wife asks you out or invites you over to their place, please do not hesitate to tell her “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable being with your husband.” If she probes, tell her that to ask HER husband what he did to YOU, because you’re not making this any more complicated. Do not bother giving the detail unless she knocks on your door, pleading for it, because she WILL take her husband’s side, no matter what. By doing this, you avoid the long discussion and having the story turn all against you. More importantly, you get to tell the wife that there is something wrong NOT WITH YOU, but with HER husband, that you are not consenting you to the point that you’re willing to let go of the friendship. Let the wife KNOW that he did something to YOU that made you back off from them.

  40. Anth Tamburell says:

    There’s a girl in my old high school who was a very supportive friend to me, but now she hates me, won’t forget about what happened between us (I made her uncomfortable), and doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore! I feel UGLY around her, and keep having to hide my face from her in depression because of the aforementioned points! I MISS BEING FRIENDS WITH HER!!! I CAN’T forget about her, since I see her in school every day! I dunno what to do anymore!!! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

    • Karen says:

      Did you make an advance on her or gossiped about her? I’m sorry for the silly question, but perhaps you would get better advice if you give a hint on what you did to make her uncomfortable.

  41. susmi says:

    yes i also had a problem but it was different.the whole wrong is on my side.now even they had been friends with me for one year they not understand me.now am feeling very lonely in class.please give me an solution how to be lonely?

    • Candice says:

      One piece of advise, from an older (and hopefully wiser) woman. The essence of going to school is to learn, not to make friends. Please remember that. If you want to make friends, please join clubs that interest you. In that way, you can be with people with similar interests, and hopefully from there, you get to have more friends that understand you.

  42. dini says:

    i and my best friend were very close ..she shares everything to me only.suddenly i felt some changes in her and i didnt ask her anything i kept quite.because she got another friend.and i thought she started to avoid me and i spoke to her that you are avoiding me and i told you changed not like before.she told im same you are thinking like that and from there we started fighting each other.many misunderstanding came in between us.the problem is we are talking to each other but that closeness is not there.i want her back as before.

  43. Chrissy says:

    My bestfriend of 10 years did the same to me also. She dropped me like a hat.

    We grew apart after she was retrenched from her job (we worked in the same suburb) and she moved to another part of town (about 45 minutes away from me). Prior to that we were neighbours. All these happened because her marriage fell apart. She decided to do part time teaching and still found time to come see me at my lunch hour which I was grateful for and told her so. Things changed when I fell pregnant with #2. She agreed to be my daughter’s godmother but somehow our relationship fell apart. I didn’t even know it did because we still saw each other in our group of friends and I always assumed it was because we were too busy with different things.

    A few months ago, I think she really wanted me to “feel” it. During the group outings, she would wait until I had to go back to work during my lunch hour before she would take group photos. And then she would post these on facebook. I stopped writing so much on Facebook too eversince my second daughter was born because I just didn’t have time but when I did post, I saw that she would never “like” any of my posts like she used to.

    I decided to confront her about it. Asking her what was wrong. She said she heard from another friend (3 years ago – around the time when my second daughter was born)that I didn’t want her meddling in my life. I did share with her my sadness with family conflicts at the time. I was shocked because our friendship was always based on honesty and being the outspoken person she is, she would have confronted me right away. But she said she didn’t want the other friend to get into trouble. I thought that my friendship would mean more to her than that. I mean, if we were so close and had a 10 year friendship, why would she then believe in another friend over ours?

    Such comment, I never said to her but I did say to a common friend of mine a few years back who didn’t take it lightly. She just got divorced from her husband and was suddenly attacking me saying that none of our friends wanted to talk to me because I did nothing with my family conflict and they were frustrated. I told this common friend that her words were hurting me and I would appreciate it if she left it to other friends to tell me. I said it was okay if she were to tell me her feelings about my situation but don’t string others in. This common friend got offended and decided to treat me badly. It really, really hurt me at the time but I accepted that she didn’t want to be friends and let the friendship go.

    The last few months this bestfriend of mine started hanging out with our common friend. So I don’t know if words have been exchanged or what. But suddenly, my bestfriend of 10 years decided to drop our friendship.

    After our chat and I said to her that I don’t remember if I said anything because it was 3 years ago but if I did, I was sorry and I obviously valued her now at this moment. She said we should forget it and be bestfriends again and I told her I’d like that. So I contacted her a few times but she decided to cancel out. If I invited the group, she simply did not show up (making excuses) or she’d show up, wait until I had to go back to work after lunch and then would take photos with them to post on facebook.

    It really, really hurts but if she doesn’t want to be friends, I will respect that.

    When I knew her 10 years ago, I thought it strange that she didn’t have any close friends. She’s always been the outspoken time and quick to judge others. She took no cr*p from anyone. She was unforgiving, but I always believed that if we could be more open with one another and solve conflicts quickly, we’d be fine as friends. Obviously not.

    So I’m not saying that she was wrong. I don’t know who’s right or who’s wrong. It doesn’t matter anyway. Right now at this moment, she does not wish to have anything to do with me and I’ll respect that. Just that it hurts (a 10 year friendship) and I guess it’ll take time to heal. I’m slowly moving on and investing in other friendships.

    I do have very close friends from Australia (where I’m from) and we’ve been friends for decades. I’ve moved here for 13 years now and I do have other close friends that I see often and I am quite busy with work and 3 kids….. but I still mourn the loss of this one friendship. I just don’t think I should invest so much anymore.

  44. Leyla says:

    My very close friend of over 10 years has a best friend that has been wanting to meet me. He has been separated from his wife for over a year. My friend has knowing him and his wife and children for over 20 years. They were as her spiritual parents to my friend. My friend even babysat his kids when they were small. After 33 yes of marriage he decided to walk out of the marriage because of marital issues. My friend took him in as family. She helped him with his finances by allowing him to work for her in her business. She gave him a place to sleep and offered her place as well. After a year of him being separated he meets me through my friend. After a month we start dating..talking to each other frequently. We lasted four months in a relationship. He wanted me to keep our relationship a secret from my friend. I decided never to tell her. A couple of months pass by and my friend lost her son ..He passed away. This situation made my friend and the guy I was dating which is her best friend even closer. He already had plans to leave to another state to get his mind and thoughts together. After him and continued our relationship it was now 4 months..Two days before he was moving to another state he confesses to me that he has feelings for someone else…well of course I was devastating and hurt. I had no clue who. He left two days later. I was totally confused because the relationship was going well…we got along great. Once he left a week later my friend calls me to go into her office. She confess that the woman he has feelings for is her. I am now freaking out because..how can he do this to me..I felt used.. I felt that he was selfish. My friend lost her son a month ago and to top it off she was as part of his family…even though his former wife stopped being her friend because she accused them of having an affair at the time of him separating and leaving the house. I felt bad for my friend that she was going through all of these different mixed emotions. Now a month passes by and the friend that I felt so bad for has told she is contemplating a relationship with him. She asked me what I thought about it. She asked me if we were intimate and if I had feelings. I told her yes to both questions. I was shocked at her answer. The fact that even what I told her ..she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even care what his ex wife and his grown children has to say. I don’t understand this…it seems disgusting to me because I could never do that. Am I wrong in feeling this way??

    • Dani says:

      I may seem very conservative on this issue, but I question your female friend having such an intimate and close male friend for so many years. It sounds very bizarre to begin with that her “best” friend was a heterosexual, married man. I don’t believe heterosexual men and women can be each other’s “best” friends without sexual tension and attraction playing a role. Unfortunately, you got in the middle of this because neither were honest about their feelings. His ex-wife was on to something and neither he or your friend were honest with themselves or each other about it. I’d take a long break from both of them and allow them to work this out while you pursue your own interests and relationships. You haven’t done anything wrong — this is a messy situation and my advice is to stay out of the mess for a LONG time.

      • Leyla says:

        Dani….im glad you took the time to read it and respond. I’m glad you agree with me. This is the most craziest thing ever happening to me and the saddest thing is that my friend feels its a Blessing from God. Omg… God has nothing to do with this disgusting mess. Ive stepped away… keeping away and finding my Peace once again.

    • Nikki says:

      I agree with Dani. You were caught up in an already disfunctional situation. Close friendships between opposite sex friends are always more than just friends I believe. One thing that really struck me was this guy telling you to keep your relationship secret! Anyone asking you to keep a relationship secret from anyone else cannot be trusted. You “friend” and this man sound fairly self centered I hope your getting the distance you need from this whole thing x

  45. Emily says:

    I have been friends with this person since the start of high school, we have are ups and downs of being best friends, but it just makes our relationship stronger. We have just stopped talking to each other,like we’ve shut each other out of our lifes and she hangs around with other people like Im not hear at all. Well recently she has been making rumors which are not true and were clearly upsetting me and she was writing a nasty little comment of me on her Facebook photo. I would like to be friends with her again, but I dont know what to do to get back with her- if she likes me? And if I should get back, to being friends.

    • Lori says:

      Emily, my own daughter has been through this and I’m going to give you the same advice I gave her. While you don’t want to make enemies if you can help it, because it spoils the good memories you have, a real friend would not treat you this way.

      I know it is hard to see when you are young, but there so many friends you will have all throughout your life. Most, you will just grow away from as you move on to a different area, interest, job or season of your life. These friendships just fade and that is okay.

      It is when things get ugly that it is hurtful to get past. Be the better person. Don’t respond to her nasty comments. Don’t talk about her behind her back. Confide in someone you trust about your feelings (a parent, sibling, aunt, etc.).

      I am going to be praying for you as I pray for my daughter as she is going through this exact same thing right now. Hugs. It will get better, I promise.

  46. webding says:

    Yeah, very helpful Candace. I’m checking out this blog because a friend I’ve had for years suddenly ditched me recently.

    Since I don’t know what she’s mad or upset about (I went around to see her and although there was soft music coming from the house and 3 cars on the lawn “no one was home”.

    A week later I rang, her daughter answered and she said in the background: “I’m not home”. Well, the penny dropped at that point, and after feeling bad for a couple of days, this is how I see it: I’m not a user, I’m a good listener, I’m not needy. So what ever the problem is, I don’t feel that I’ve done anything too bad.

    Maybe the friendship has just run it’s course – I really don’t know. All I know is that I won’t take it too badly. People can come and go out of your life as they please.

    Try not to feel too badly. Treat yourself to something you would normally deem too extravagant. Take up a new hobby. Speak to a counselor. But really, let go. You can’t make a person like you, and it really doesn’t matter anyway. Really xx

    • Jimmie says:


      I have had a similar situation happen to me. Thank you for helping me to understand this issue. I am going to move on with my life.


    • Dani says:

      I had something similar happened to me with a friend who I’ve know for about 3 years. We didn’t have a ton in common, and the person about a year before she ended our friendship abruptly began to appear annoyed at me, but wouldn’t tell me. I think that I blamed myself too much. A mutual friend who still hangs out with her told me that she was upset with me because of something I said. So, I tried to ask her via phone, text, and email, but I never got a reply from her. I am not sure why people cannot just explain things clearly. But I can tell she didn’t want to maintain our friendship. I also feel insecure because the mutual friend is still hanging out with her, and I think that makes me feel like I am not worth anything because that mutual friend was someone I introduced the girl to. Anyways it hasn’t been too long, the wound is still fresh, so hopefully by the end of the year I will have gotten pass all this and moved on. Like you all said it is not worth trying to maintain friendship with someone who doesn’t value you.

      • maryann says:

        i have my best friend for more than 3 years now, and now she hates me because i’m trying to keep my private love life for 3 years, only for the reason i want to have s peaceful life regarding my partner, i want to respect their family not to say anything about it, its very complicated issue so i decided to keep it for myself to protect my boyfriend! when i decided to open up to her..she was too much upset..she thinks that iam bad and make her stupid after all those years. do i oblidge to tell her everything about my life ?

      • maryann says:

        do i need to tell my bestfriend about my personal love life? i want a private life. do i owe her an explanation why i should hide it to her?

    • Lauren says:

      Very helpful. This is the way that it is sometimes. Not all friendships last forever. ppl change, and drift away. thanks for sharing your experience.

      • kay says:

        Had a best lady freind once for nearly 25 yrs We drifted apart because thats what she wanted…I found out a few yrs ago that she has died and i wasnt told.. I missed her for yrs and now tht shes dead i miss her more and dream about her and her family alot..I wish i could stop thinking and dreaming about her I still love her and we didnt end the relationship with honesty…She was more closer to me then my own sister.. But Ill always regert how our friendship ended

  47. layla says:

    you can get new friends if you give her a gift or say this: you are my friend and you know that,but also you need hope in you

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