Month of February , 2012

The Friendship Blog is a Finalist in About.com's 2012 Readers' Choice Awards!

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The Friendship Blog has been selected as one of five finalists for the "About.com Reader's Choice Awards" in the category of Favorite Friendship Blog.

 

I'm thrilled that so many people have found their way here since I created this blog in May 2007, and have entrusted me with their personal stories. Posters have bravely shared their friendship dilemmas and, one comment at a time, visitors have responded with wisdom, compassion, and understanding. Reading your posts and comments has truly enhanced my life and I know if has helped many others, too.

 

Last year, the blog was visited by guests from 11,232 cities, in 199 countries, on five different continents---suggesting how universal is our yearning for healthy and rewarding friendships.

 

If you are reading this now, I hope you will take a minute to vote for The Friendship Blog as your Favorite Friendship Blog. There's no cash award - just the satisfaction that comes with officially being recognized as the best of the best by the readers of one of the largest online networks, About.com. Voting is easy. You may vote once a day through March 21, 2012. Winners will be announced on March 30, 2012.

 

Click here to vote for The Friendship Blog!

 

Additionally, my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, which has become a classic in the friendship literature, was selected as a finalist in the category of Best Nonfiction Book about Friendship. While you are here, can you click one more time?

Click here to vote for Best Friends Forever!

 

Thanks for your support! 

 

Avoiding a One-Sided Friendship

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QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I have an acquaintance at church who is a real sweet gal, and often calls for a chat or asks me to coffee. I can't call her a friend because it's a bit one-sided. She spends almost all the time talking about herself or her problems. While I realize she just wants to vent or offload, I don't want to meet with her so often. How can I refuse to get together when I know it's not going to be fulfilling for me?

Signed, Rebecca

 

ANSWER

Hi Rebecca,

Unlike family, we choose our friends---and we don't have to befriend everyone we meet or everyone who wants to be friends with us. Friendships are completely voluntary relationships and for a friendship to deepen and become more than an acquaintance, it needs to be two-sided.

 

It sounds like your acquaintance may be a nice person but she wants a different type of relationship than you do. Agreeing to see her outside of church, even if it's now and then, may be giving her the wrong message.

 

My suggestion would be to back off the relationship---since you really don't want it to deepen. Simply say no when she asks to you to coffee (you're too busy or need time alone) and tell her you only have a few minutes to chat when she calls.

 

Hopefully, if you're consistent, she'll be able to read the social cues and you won't have to be blunt. If push comes to shove, you may need to simply tell her that you have more friendships than you can manage. I know this is uncomfortable for you but I don't see any way around it.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

 

 

Gaming Friendships

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Have you ever made friends with someone by playing a game like Bunco, Mah-Jongg, Bridge, or even an online game?

 

Games are another great way to meet people and form friendships because you already have a shared interest and you have recurring contact with the other individual (s).

 

But as in friendships that are nurtured in any other way, there can be misunderstandings that interrupt the game. Read this post I wrote for Life Goes Strong about a misunderstanding that occurred among Mah-Jongg players.  

 

 

 

 

Home Alone & Lonely? Some Practical Tips

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What resources are there for people without any family or friends? 

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I am 63. My husband brought me here many years ago. It is rural and here, family is everything---which is nice---but I have none. My life from the beginning was similar to a child in an orphanage. I was cared for by someone I guess but never had any modeling for family. There was no love, no touching, no hugging and no intimacy.

 

I became my own parent by the time I was five years old. I could not, cannot develop relationships but worked all my life and working kept me from being totally isolated. However, now, I no longer work and have severe arthritis that pretty much limits me to my apartment. I read and find things to do but it is getting pretty hard.

 

The thing is that I cannot locate any type of support system for seniors who have no one. I know I am not the only person like this. I would love to return to Massachusetts where there is a little less emphasis on couples. It bothers me that, for example, an Area Agency on Aging, talks about all sorts of things but the depression, the loneliness, the sense of a life forgotten for people who don't have the requisite husband, sister, grandchildren etc.

 

Why is this not dealt with? Or perhaps I am looking in the wrong places. One of my most hated answers to any psychological issue is "Stay close to your friends and family etc." Another recent major annoyance is at a hospital or doctor's office when they ask you for next of kin and I say I have none, they argue with me. Well you must have a friend then. No I do not. They actually get mad at me.

 

Is there a resource anywhere for those of us for whatever reason have no family and could not establish friendships but who are getting old and scared and spend weeks at a time alone.

Signed, Leah

 

ANSWER

Dear Leah,

For a variety of reasons, it sounds like you are in a very lonely and isolating situation. You must be a remarkably resilient woman to be able to take care of yourself to the extent you do.

 

Since I don't know the particular community where you live, I can only make a few generic suggestions to help you connect with others:

 

1) Does your town or a larger city nearby have a program for seniors? Sometimes there are outreach programs that provide emotional and logistical support for homebound seniors.

 

2) Can you get any help from the Arthritis Foundation? Do they offer any in-person or online support groups?

 

3) Are any programs or services available from religious groups in your community---even if you aren't of the same religion?

 

4) Can you call your state office overseeing the Area Agency on Aging to inquire about resources that may be available to you?

 

5) Can you reconnect, even if it's only occasionally with colleagues from work or friends from where you lived in Massachusetts?

 

6) Since you found this blog, are you taking advantage of the internet as a way to connect with other people?

 

7) Is there any chance of your moving back to Massachusetts while you are still a relatively young senior?

 

8) Would you have any interest in finding out about a co-living situation where you might be able to live with another unrelated adult for mutual support? I realize this isn't easy to orchestrate and would require a thorough background check.

 

9) Since telecommuting is becoming increasingly common, is there any kind of part-time work you can do from home?

 

I hope that one or two of these ideas may be helpful and that other posters will chime in with any suggestions I've missed. Be assured, your situation is not unusual. There are many people in similar situations, many of whom visit this blog. I hope you'll continue to post and exchange here because I know you can be helpful and sensitive to others in similar circumstances.

Warm regards, Irene

 

Some prior posts on The Friendship Blog that may be worth reading: 

 


 

 

 

My Best Friend Is Pulling Away

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QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm a junior in high school who has never been the most popular person. I'm generally the weird girl who eats lunch alone reading a book. However, over the past couple of years, I've made a few incredible friends.

 

One of these is a guy who knows that I've liked him for a couple of years. He's my best friend in the world, and we used to be able to talk for hours on end about nothing at all. Recently, though, it feels like we've been growing apart. For one, his girlfriend seems to be getting between us. I still have feelings for him, though the friendship is more important and I'm trying to get over him, but I feel like I can't say anything or do anything around her lest I make things more uncomfortable. He's one of only two or three people I trust completely and he's the only person who I've told about my depression and anxiety disorder.

 

We don't talk for more than a couple of minutes at a time, and nothing deeper than homework or superficial problems. I'm worried that I've scared him off by telling him about my disorder, even though he didn't seemed fazed at the time. I'm worried that he doesn't think that he can tell me his problems any more, and I don't want to burden him with my issues any more than I have to. I've played shrink for friends before, and I know how hard it is to feel responsible for their happiness.

 

What can I do to patch the friendship up? Should I give him space for a while, or do I need to confront the issue before we grow too far apart?  

Signed, Amy

 

ANSWER

Dear Amy,

Given that your friend already has a girlfriend and you still have romantic feelings towards him, I can see how this might complicate your relationship---whether or not you had disclosed your disorder to him.

 

My guess is that not only is he aware of your feelings for him but so is his girlfriend---which would make it difficult for him to maintain the same close friendship he has had with you in the past.

 

It's always disappointing when one person is more invested in a friendship than the other. But it's great you have made such strides in connecting with other people, and that you felt comfortable and trusting enough in this relationship to disclose a disorder you previously kept secret. On that basis, I would still score this as a highly successful relationship---one that should help you gain confidence in yourself and your ability to make friends in the future.

 

Yes, you have no choice but to give your friend the space he needs. When young people (male or female) get caught up in romantic relationships, it's common that they have less time for other friends. Try not to take it too personally or blame yourself. Continue to nurture other friendships and maintain a cordial relationship with this guy and his girlfriend.

I hope this helps.

Best, Irene

 

 

 

The Fantasy Best Friend

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Not all best friends turn out to be keepers

 

QUESTION

Irene,

I had a boyfriend for two months that I became madly in love with, and thought he felt the same for me.  His friends constantly said they had never seen him like this. Then, late into his birthday party, we got into a spat and he dumped me. It was gruesome and sudden, especially for a relationship I had deemed meaningful and important. Most importantly to me, I thought of him as someone not only important romantically, but someone that would turn into my best friend.

For several months he kept forcing me to see him; we'd reconnect, I would foolishly think he had changed his feelings, then he'd disappear again. I recently felt as though it had dragged on too long and was becoming psychologically traumatic for me, and definitively ended the relationship. I sent him a very kind note saying I could not be his friend when I believed we could never be that, and defriended him on Facebook (him... and his friends).  

I remain filled with remorse and self-doubt, wondering if I acted too quickly or without cause - it is so difficult in life to meet friends or people you truly care about. But I also believe in the tough but important value of self-preservation. I cannot get past this, though. It has been weeks since my note (no response), and I've become virtually despondent.  


Am I acting in an emotionally healthily way? Did I do the right thing for my long-term emotional well-being? Or was it the immature and self-detrimental act of a rejected woman? I'd like to think about this clearly and logically. I feel lost in self-doubt, and I can't let it go.

Best, Alyssa

 

ANSWER

Dear Alyssa,

It's hard to know whether someone is best friend material after just a couple of months---especially when you're feeling madly in love. A strong initial attraction doesn't necessarily mean someone will be a keeper.

 

It's not unusual for some individuals to either want a best friend or romantic partner so desperately, that they typecast someone inappropriate into the role. I'm not sure whether or not this might have been the case for you.

 

Whether this guy was a friend or a lover, you stood your ground and decided that you didn't want to subject yourself to someone who runs hot and cold. The first disappointment occurred only two months into your relationship and then each time you reconnected, you gave him (and yourself) multiple opportunities to try again.

 

I can understand your disappointment but don't look back. You need to let go of this fantasy. You absolutely did the right thing and deserve more consistent and reliable friends than this one.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

 

 

 

8 Ways to Make a Friend Feel Special on Valentine's Day

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For many women (and some men), Valentine's Day means much more than hearts, chocolates, and roses; the affection they feel on that day extends beyond lovers to their close friends and relatives, too.


Whether you celebrate Valentine's Day or the Día del amor y la Amistad (Day of Love and Friendship)---as do many Latin Americans---February 14th offers a perfect opportunity to show affection for close friends, who add so much to our lives.


Since even the strongest of friendships needs to be nurtured, here are eight ways to let your closet friends know how important they are to you on Valentine's Day (or any other day of your choosing):


1)  Say it in words. Call her or write her a card, note or email telling her just how much her friendship means to you. After all, Valentine's Day gives everyone license to act a bit more affectionate than usual.


2)  Remind her visually. Send her a photo of a wonderful time you had together in the past and tell her how happy it makes you feel that you're still friends after all those years.


3)  Give her the gift of time. Instead of continually saying, "We have to get together," make concrete plans. Get out your electronic calendar or datebook and set a time when you can spend quality time together---even if it's just over a cup of coffee.


4)  Plan a getaway or trip together. Perhaps you've both been busy and haven't seen each other for a while. Your lives have diverged yet you still feel like you're kindred spirits. Make a relaxed lunch date, spa date, or commit to a weekend when you have uninterrupted time to make new memories.


5)  Weave her into the fabric of your life. If she's single and you're married with children, invite her to join one or more of your family traditions. If you think she might enjoy the company of another close friend of yours, introduce them to each other. Introduce her to your mother, sister or cousin.


6)  Do something together. Suggest that you both read the same book or go to a movie so you can talk about it afterwards. It can be a great springboard for discussing feelings and values.


7)  If something has recently gotten in the way of your friendship and you believe you may have been at fault, don't be too big to apologize.

 

8) Express your love. Yesterday, I posted a rememberance  about the tragic and untimely death or Jeffrey Zaslow, author of The Girls from Ames, The Magic Room, and many other wonderful works that read like love stories. He reminded people of a lesson he learned from Randy Pausch---to take the time to hug the people they care about. What could be more fitting than a hug or a kiss?


Have you recently shown a friend how much you care? What did you do?


This is a slightly revised version of a post that appeared here previously. In memory to my Dad who died on Valentine's Day, 2006, the day of my parent's 60th anniversary.

 

Remembering Jeffrey Zaslow

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Terrible news has a way of traveling almost instantaneously over very long distances. On Friday evening, I was vacationing in Mexico when I learned that Wall Street Journal columnist and best-selling author Jeffrey Zaslow was killed in a car crash on a snowy road in northern Michigan earlier that day.

 

If you are a reader of my blog, you may have read about Jeff and his books here before. I first "met" Jeff when I read The Girls from Ames and was profoundly impressed by his gift for telling stories with an engaging blend of passion, pathos and humor. I found it charming that any man could so exquisitely tell the nuanced stories of women with such sensitivity and understanding. I mentioned that when I interviewed him in May 2009 for an article in The Huffington Post. He responded: "With a wife, three daughters and no sons, I live in a world of women. So the topic resonates."

 

"I think my being clueless about women and their friendships may have actually helped. I was able create a wider canvass," he added. "A woman probably would have gotten different answers, for better or worse. I took a journalistic approach and I wasn't judging their friendships compared to my own."

 

Although Jeff had already achieved incredible journalistic and literary success, he was extremely humble. He considered himself a regular Joe---perhaps, that too, enabled him to bring voice and heart to ordinary as well as extraordinary people.

 

Before long, like many, I was a "Zazz" groupie. I read each of his books and columns in the Wall Street Journal, Moving On, which focused on life transitions. Probably feeling like I knew him better than I really did, I took the bold step of asking this man, whom I so admired, to provide a sentence or two for the cover of my book on friendship, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, that was published in September 2009. Any author will tell you that it is exceedingly awkward to ask someone to blurb your book, especially if you're a relatively unknown, first-time author.

 

I thought my email would be deep-sixed in an in-box overflowing with letters from readers and other fans as The Girls from Ames soared on the bestseller list. But Jeff couldn't have been more generous in not only responding positively, but in a more timely fashion than colleagues who were far less important---and whom I suspect had far more time.

 

Over the years, we had other email interactions and spoke on the phone. Most of the time, I leaned upon him for advice and I was always surprised that he took the time to respond. When I told him about my traumatic experience of showing up to give a talk about my book in a public library on a back-to-school night and no one attended but my husband and another author, he wrote back encouragingly:

You're not a radio DJ until you've been fired
You're not a pro athlete until you've been cut from the team
You're not an author until you show up for a book signing and no one else does!!
I'm heading out to the Jewish Book Fairs next week. I expect good crowds...and maybe some very small ones, too! Who knows?

 

When Jeff came to give a talk in my corner of the world, I couldn't wait to meet him. I was part of a crowd that assembled in a temple in nearby Armonk, New York, to hear him speak about his latest book, Highest Duty, written with Captain "Sully" Sullenberger, who piloted his plane to safety over the Hudson River. Jeff had made the long trip as a favor because he knew someone on the temple board.

 

Listening to him speak threw the adage "never meet the author" on its heels. Jeff was warm, wise and engaging. He loved telling stories and as he stood upon the stage, I thought he might just as well have been a Rabbi in another life.

 

A friend we had in common introduced us afterwards and Jeff warmly embraced me like one would a cousin you hadn't seen for a while. He chatted with me leisurely as throngs of people waited for him to sign books, and asked me about my son before he inscribed a copy of The Last Lecture to him in a very personal way, seemingly oblivious to the lateness of the hour.

 

Jeff had such a talent for finding the right stories that it's almost as if they found him. He co-authored Congresswoman Gabby Gifford and Mark Kelly's story, Gabby: A Story of Courage and Hope, which was published in November 2011, and wrote to tell me that The Magic Room would be published soon after in January 2012. When I read the book that turned out to be his last, it read like a love story to his wife and daughters.

 

When I interviewed him about The Magic Room last month, he wrote about his love for his family, which spills over in the book:

I'm the father of three girls, and I wanted to write a nonfiction book about the love we all wish for our daughters. I needed a place to set the book -- a place with great emotion -- and I considered all sorts of possibilities. Maybe I could visit maternity wards, dance studios or daddy-daughter date nights. Maybe I'd hang out at spas where mothers and daughters go to bond. But then my wife suggested that I find a bridal shop. 'There's something about a wedding dress...' she told me. She was right.

 

Jeff's productivity was staggering, as was his stamina to show up at events in even the smallest of towns or tiniest of bookstores. Despite his busy life, he had an uncanny ability to not only form connections but to nurture them. One news report said that one of the clinchers, in him getting the Gabby Gifford's book deal, was that of all the applicants he was the only one who started the dialogue by asking the Congresswoman how she was feeling. A simple act of kindness.

 

In too short a time on earth, Jeff has left an indelible legacy of love and humanity. His words and deeds will continue to inspire legions of readers and writers around the world and remind us to focus on the important relationships in our lives. Moreover, he was a role model in showing writers how important it is to pave the way for those looking up to you.

 

He was only 53 years old at the time of his sudden death and it appeared as if his trajectory as one of America's greatest storytellers was unstoppable. When I recently asked how he could write one blockbuster book after another, he replied, "...I need to slow down and stop writing for a while!"

 

My heart goes out to his family, friends, and colleagues who have suffered such a profound and untimely loss.

 

  • Read my most recent interview with Jeff about The Magic Room, less than one month ago, on Life Goes Strong
  • Another interview with Jeff on The Huffington Post when I spoke to him about The Girls from Ames.
 

Distance between Friends

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Proximity can play an important role in making or breaking a friendship.

 

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

My friend and I used to be really close, however, I live at least an hour away and I can't drive. We've slowly drifted apart, she answers calls less, responds to messages less, and we talk a whole lot less.

 

Now it seems that she has a new best friend, one of my former friends who I also could never see because of distance. I get a little upset when I see how close they are, because I feel like distance played a major role in this one, seeing how we could never hang out.

 

I will be moving out near them both this summer. Do you think that will help with the issues? I don't feel like she dropped me, I feel like I'm never there and have no way to get there, so she never asks.

Thanks, Wendy

 

ANSWER

Dear Wendy,

Proximity plays an important role in friendships. Living near someone or working with the individual gives you both something in common and also makes a friendship more convenient. That said, living near someone isn't sufficient to create an emotional bond between two people.

 

Conversely, living some distance from someone or moving away doesn't necessarily preclude two people from being best friends but the miles between you do make it more challenging.

 

It's natural to feel a bit hurt or jealous when a once-best friend of yours becomes more distant from you and closer to one of your former friends---but if they both are part of each other's everyday worlds, it is also easy to see how that happened.

 

I'm not sure how your moving near both of them will play out. I think you need to be open to strengthening both friendships but not be too disappointed if one or both friends feel like they have moved on.

Hope this helps.

Best, Irene

 

A few prior posts on The Friendship Blog about the long-distance friendships:

 

 

Friendship by the Book - Memory Lake by Nancy Kyme

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A memoir of summer camp and growing up

 

Flies, mosquitoes, and poison ivy---even initial bouts of homesickness---make summer camp an unforgettable experience for any young camper. Nancy Kyme's memoir, Memory Lake: The Forever Friendships of Summer (Vantage Point Books, 2011), captures those details but focuses on the special bonds of friendship and the inner strength young women develop as they learn to juggle independence with interdependence at summer camp.

 

The story begins as the author, her own 17-year old daughter, and her daughter's two friends embark on a road trip to attend a reunion at Kyme's old summer camp near the shores of Lake Michigan. Then it flashes back to vivid descriptions of the magical days the author and her older sister spent at camp when she was a teen herself, away for the first time from the security of her home and her parents.

 

If you have ever spent a summer at sleepaway camp or have a daughter who has, Kyme's nuanced and beautifully written memoir will enthrall you. It describes the growing up that takes place almost imperceptibly in swimming holes, around campfires, and in cabins in the woods. The routines, pranks and friendly competition among fellow campers were pivotal in transforming the author's own life, building her sense of trust and determination, and also creating lifelong connections.

 

It's a great read for a cold winter's day while you are waiting for summer to return and a perfect choice for a mother-daughter Book Club read.

 

"Friendship by the Book" is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.

 

 

Another book about friendships at summer camp for younger readers: