Month of January , 2010

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Levine,

I am reeling from the awareness that certain friends who meant a great deal to me have abruptly turned their back on me now that I have revealed and declared my struggle with mental illness. I was diagnosed with a form of bipolar disorder after weathering several years of depression alongside "up" periods. When it was just garden-variety depression, I believe the problem had been more acceptable to these individuals, who are mostly male.

 

Now, having spent almost two weeks in hospital, the tables have turned and folks have run for the hills. I mean nothing: No phone calls, no cards, unreturned e-mails. These relationships, mind you, go back almost 20 years. I've spent most of my time being the "counselor" to these folks. Still, for the most part, I gained a lot from the relationships: mentoring, laughter, contacts, learning, etc.

 

So I'm not sure how to proceed from here. My self-esteem is shot-to-be-damned, and I really haven't much patience right now for the childish ways of grown people. Over the years, I've observed that people who "hide" from others' adversity find some way to wheedle back in after it seems like the coast is clear. I'm pretty clear about cutting these folks off, since there's really nothing to be salvaged except my self-worth. I am angry, and I can't guarantee that I still won't be angry when they inevitably return to my world. How would you suggest I handle this?

Signed,
Alone

 

ANSWER

Dear Alone:

When someone has a serious medical condition, deciding whether or not to tell others is never straightforward. This is compounded when it comes to disclosing mental or emotional disorders because of the pervasive misunderstanding, stigma and discrimination commonly associated with disorders of the brain. As you found out, there is even a pecking order among mental illnesses. People are generally more understanding and accepting of depression and anxiety disorders than they are of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder. This is simply because of the dismal lack of mental health literacy among the general public.

 

In considering whether or not to tell, it's important for someone to think through whom to tell (the answer might be different for different family members, friends, employers and acquaintances) and how much information and detail to provide (e.g. the name of the disorder, the nature of the treatment, specific vs. general information, etc.). Decisions like this are deeply personal. Ultimately, individuals need to make decisions that feel comfortable to them! There is no right or wrong.

 

Getting back to your specific situation: You made the decision to be candid with friends whom you trusted, hoping they would understand and rally around you. This wasn't the case so I understand your disappointment. But consider the possibility that these friends weren't ill-intentioned. They may simply have felt uncomfortable and didn't know exactly how to react or what to say---because they don't understand bipolar disorder, its course, or its treatment.

 

Perhaps, you could seize this as a teachable moment, focusing on one or two of the individuals with whom you feel closest, and helping them better understand your experience. After you speak, you could also direct them to online resources for information such as one of the booklets made available from the National Institute of Mental Health  or from the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

 

Being hospitalized for a mental disorder often feels like a setback to that individual (although it shouldn't be that way!). Admittedly, it is an unplanned disruption to work, study, and/or friendships. You say your self-confidence is shattered-so give yourself the gift of time and allow yourself to slowly get back into a normal routine. Try to hold back your anger towards your friends, which may turn out to be misplaced. You may find that some of these friendships were tenuous and aren't worth resurrecting but I sincerely hope that at least a few of them will be recoverable.

 

You signed your letter "lonely." Simultaneous with working on your old friendships, you may want to get involved in a support group such as those sponsored by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. This will allow you to meet other people who have struggled with similar issues and who can support you as you get back on your feet. I hope you also have the benefit of a relationship with a mental health professional who can help you get over this trauma.

 

Remember that lifting the veil of secrecy and shame that shrouds brain disorders can only be accomplished one person at a time. I applaud your honesty as well as your posting this letter.

 

Warm wishes for your recovery,
Irene

 

 

P.S. In my book (co-authored with Jerome Levine, MD), Schizophrenia for Dummies (Wiley, 2009), on P. 216-222, there is an extensive section on "Breaking the News," the pros and cons of disclosing mental disorders. Since it provides far more detailed advice than I could post here, you may want to glance at the book in the library. Although my comments in the book are focused on schizophrenia, they are just as pertinent to bipolar disorder.

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I took a new job and became friendly with a woman named Gina. Gina told me about her past mistakes and seemed very consumed with guilt over them. In the spirit of sympathy, I told Gina that what was done so long ago should be forgiven and that I certainly don't feel that she deserves to be condemned. Then I went on to tell her of a past mistake of mine, and that it was past and I didn't feel guilty over something that was done 30 years ago.

 

We had many conversations on breaks and a lot of information was shared. Well, yesterday at work, my boss warned me to be careful what I told Gina, and that all that I told her was repeated to the entire office! Of course I will now watch what I say more closely, but I'm mortified! How do I come back from this (if ever) at this job? I had hoped to make a friend or two and now just look like an idiot.

Signed,
Margie

 

ANSWER

Dear Margie:

I know you have a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach right now. That's understandable-but things aren't as bad as they seem. In your efforts to make a new friend at work, you inadvertently fell prey to an office gossipmonger, someone who habitually brokers information about others to enhance her own sense of self-importance. Since your boss came to warn you about her, he already knows about Gina and her M.O. (modus operandi)---and doesn't have much respect for her.

 

You can't take back the things you said to Gina. But unless you shared really juicy tidbits, I presume that the rest of the office staff will soon forget about anything they've heard---especially since Gina seems to have a reputation as a gossip (even the boss knows about her!). Focus on doing your job and expanding your office contacts, slowly, so Gina becomes just one office acquaintance among many. This might also be a time to nurture close and trusting friendships outside the office.

 

Clearly, you can't trust Gina again. Depending on what feels more comfortable for you, you can either cut off all non-essential contact with her entirely or calmly tell her that you hope she'll keep whatever you've told her in the past in confidence as you're concerned about your reputation at a new workplace.

 

While this was a hard lesson, it will make you more cautious in the future, which is a good thing. It's always prudent to build friendships slowly to make sure that you can trust a person before sharing too many intimacies. This is especially true in the workplace because you have fewer options in terms of being able to step away from the relationship without threatening your employment.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

A little more than a year ago I began a friendship with a female co-worker. We are both married and it never went beyond the friendship stage nor did either or us want it to. It started off simple enough, she knew I was into photography and she suspected a problem with her camera and asked me to take it for a while and see if I could find anything wrong.

 

The friendship grew to the point where we were taking most of our breaks together and we spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. We started at the job within a few months of each other and were both the "new kids" in the group and I think we tended to bond over that. She had numerous issues with management and came to me in tears two times because she felt she was being mistreated.

 

We already had a friendly relationship by that time and had exchanged hugs on occasion; I held her and let her cry on my shoulder. The friendship also grew outside of work and we had several get-togethers with our significant others: day trips to Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, hiking in some local parks, and dinners at local restaurants as well at each of our houses. We always sat together during meetings at work and I think it was obvious to the rest of the staff that we enjoyed each other's company.

 

I went away for a two-week vacation at the end of October and she expressed concern several times as to how she would survive while I was gone. She wished I wasn't going and that she could go with me. I know people just say those things but she seemed more concerned than normal. She gave me a big hug the day I left and an even bigger one on the day I returned saying she was glad I was back.

 

Around the end of November, she did a complete 180 on me. I expressed concern that our friendship was falling apart. She said that I worried too much and we would always be friends. A few days later that changed into her not liking her job, not being able to separate me from it, and that she wanted me to just leave her alone.

 

I knew that she was having issues with the boss and she felt like he was always watching her. A few days later, when he was out for the day, I asked if we could get together for a few minutes to talk. Her response was simply "Leave me alone."

 

For Christmas, I sent her a photo book that had a lot of photos of her and her husband at various places we had visited in the past year. When I got back to work the week after Christmas I got a call from HR saying that she had filed a complaint against me. The complaint was initiated in response to the photo book but she also dragged in e-mails that she felt were inappropriate and told them that she never wanted to go out on breaks with me and she felt pressured into this and felt she could not say no. I never had any indication that she was less than happy going on breaks with me and she never said anything to me about my e-mails being inappropriate. I considered us friends and the e-mails (all but one of them to non-work e-mail accounts) were friendly e-mails. She underlined things like Do you have time for a friend? Or I miss the closeness we shared and one that I signed with a virtual hug.

 

I am still waiting for the final decision from HR but for the time being we have simply been told to not have any contact with each other. We are both at work and it is very difficult for me right now. I try to avoid her as much as possible and wait to be sure she is in her office before I leave mine.

 

I don't know how this friendship went from best friend to worst enemy on her side so quickly and I have no idea what I could have done to cause this since she won't tell me. I have had problems with depression myself in the past and this episode has me back on meds for that; it helps with the pain but not my inability to understand any of this. I don't understand how she could have been my friend, how we could have been so close and how it has ended up like this.

Signed,
Depressed in Boston

 

ANSWER

Dear Depressed in Boston:

Your story is sad and hard to grasp for me, too. You say that you were "just friends" with this woman-in and out of the office-for almost a year and then the relationship seemed to deteriorate for no apparent reason.

 

My sense is that there had to be something that was going on in her personal life that you don't know about. Perhaps, her husband began to feel threatened by her office friendship. Or perhaps, while you were away on vacation, she realized that she had become more attached to you emotionally than was comfortable for her. I don't know the answers to these questions or whether I'm even raising the right possibilities. You probably don't either. The truth may be something she is unwilling to tell you or something that she doesn't fully understand herself.

 

That said, she made a unilateral decision to dump you and sealed the deal with a visit to HR. Then she began to collect "evidence" to build a case that your advances were unwelcome and had crossed the boundaries of a collegial relationship.

 

You haven't mentioned your response to HR and what they are "deciding." If the charges are serious and/or your job is in jeopardy, it would be wise to consult with an attorney. I'm also wondering how you handled this situation with your wife. Have you been able to be candid with her so you could depend on her for support? Finally, have you been totally forthcoming and honest with yourself in terms of your expectations of this friendship?

 

Clearly, you have no option now but to step back from the relationship with your co-worker and to limit any contact. Do not send her any emails or text messages at the office or at home.

 

Focus on maintaining your performance at work and on making sure you comply with any conditions that have been set forth by your employer. It's important that you work through your feelings about this upsetting situation outside the office: either with your wife, a trusted friend, or a mental health professional. If they have worked for you in the past, an antidepressant may be of help. If you feel the need and have the opportunity, you may want to transfer to another unit of your organization or change employment.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to accept that you may never have a complete understanding of what happened, just your side of the equation, and that you need to pick up the pieces as best you can and move forward.

I hope that this helps a little.

Best,
Irene

I don't recall how I tripped over Jessica Kettle Kechian's blog, Cougar Tales, but I'm glad I did. I was smitten by one of her posts on friendship. Jessica was gracious to allow me to reprint it here on The Friendship Blog as a guest post.

P.S. I think it would be nice if every woman had at least one "BIF" like Beth.

 

My BFF
Written by Jessica Kettle Kechian

 

I always believed that when you found a friend you stayed friends forever. Fast forward life 31 years and I've learned how much that is not the case. I have had a ton of friends in my day and a few that made it to the "best" status. Out of all these friends, many have drifted away through our different circumstances of life. Some have become acquaintances. Very few are still dear friends. Only one remained as my best friend forever for almost the entirety that I have known her. She is my BFF. I actually call her just BFF - pronounced "bif".

 

BFF has been my best friend since we were about 6 or 7. She moved in next door after my other friend and his family moved out. I was devastated and couldn't imagine someone better suited for me would move in there. I walked past the house a few times as they moved in...on purpose...like a stalker. Finally, her aunt asked me to come over and meet my now BFF and her cousin. Later, I asked her to come over but her grumpy Greek dad said, "Bif, we don't even know these people."

 

It was only a matter of time before we were inseparable. BFF and I did everything together. We worshipped Bon Jovi. We put on shows in our back yards every summer and even had business cards. We were called the Broadway Babes (well, only by the family members we gave our business cards to). BFF and I took dance classes for years, we were in cheerleading together and we even worked together everything weekend for 10 years at her parents' luncheonette. Her parents became my second set of parents. And, mine hers.

 

We stayed friends through every possible milestone - good things and bad as you can imagine. We moved out of our childhood homes, went off to different colleges, had fun and dramatic times post-college and eventually settled into new towns over an hour from each other.

 

Friends shift into different people at different stages of their life or seasons. When this happens, they sometimes become different friends to us. Maybe they are no longer "best" friends" but become more like acquaintances. Maybe a friend is your "going out gal" or your "stayin in sista". Maybe she is a gym buddy, guy venting, or advice-giving friend. BFF and I certainly shifted through different seasons at different times.

 

Over the years, we have grown into different people and have different interests. To name a few: I love going out for dinner and/or drinks. She only wants to go out on birthdays and special occasions. I like to taste new wines. BFF likes to ride on her boyfriend's motorcycle. I am a planner and she, not so much. We probably would never see each other if it wasn't for me. She cancels plans the day of. She doesn't always call me back. She hates driving to my town. And, yet somehow, I always put her on a pedestal. I know we will be best friends forever and here's a few reasons why:

 

• We know more about each other than anyone else in the world does.
• We still love Bon Jovi.
• We can talk about really deep topics or laugh our booties off.
• She swears I am thin when I'm chubby.
• She thinks I'm normal when I feel crazy.
• She picks out the best friendship cards that I know were written just for us.
• She sticks up for me when I can't.
• She has answers when I don't.
• She loves me regardless of who I am.
• She is my seasonless Best Friend Forever.

 

A note from Jessica: Cougar Tales became my pet project last summer so I could get some thoughts out of my head and cure my boredom with my corporate gig. I had no clue beforehand about blogging but I quickly became absorbed. After starting, I realized that there aren't any rules. You can write about things that matter most or things that don't matter at all. As strange as this sounds, I have actually made some online friends. My husband thinks it's odd that I "talk" to people I have never met but I think it's kind of cool. It bends the rules of traditional friendships that are established on the basis of what school you went to, where you work, and whether you have children or not. There are undiscovered ways to meet new friends that you never expect. Lots of people visit my blog thinking I'm a "cougar" chronicling my life. Not the case. Simply put, I write about life...as it seems to me. One of the common themes you'll find on my blog is friendship. And, one of my favorite people to write about is my best friend, Beth.

 

Do you need friendship advice or inspiration in an instant?

Now you can start reading Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend less than a minute after placing your order for a wireless Kindle download through Amazon.com.

The electronic version of the book is available for at $9.99. Don't have a Kindle? You can also download the e-book using Kindle for PC, a free application for your Windows PC.

You can also order the book through the SONY e-book store!

QUESTION

 

Hi Irene,

I'm so happy to have found your blog and discovered your book. I will definitely be running out and buying a copy!

 

A very close, cherished friendship that I've had for 14 years has just come to a painful end, and I'm heartbroken. I wish there was a way to repair it, but I know it takes two to work on a relationship and my friend really did and said some things that damaged our relationship and my trust in her beyond repair. Still, having said that, I wish things had not unfolded as they did, and I certainly wish I could undo whatever my role in the demise was (although I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and really believe I only played a small role in it coming to an end).

 

It's been about two months now. What continues to pain me is the horrible last words exchanged between us. I certainly expressed my anger and hurt to her but I was careful to avoid attacking her character outright or name-calling her, or permanently burning bridges between us. On the other hand, she attacked me personally and said some downright nasty things that were so over-the-top they were obviously designed to wound.

 

We had been like sisters who loved each other for years-so to end on such hostile, borderline-hateful terms seems wrong and sad. I know we can't be close friends anymore, but I hate being haunted by the memory of our last conversation, and having that go down as the last one in the history book of our friendship (which had many loving, fun times through the years). I'm wondering if there is a way to temporarily be in touch just to end on better terms. I don't know if that even makes sense!

 

Thanks!

Penny

 

ANSWER

Dear Penny,

I'm sorry that you felt so betrayed that you had to end your friendship. Whether the decision was hers, yours, or mutual, this has to be a painful loss and it sound like you are reluctant to let go.

 

In terms of the harsh words exchanged between you: When people are hurt and upset, they often lash out and say things out of anger that don't represent their true feelings. I'm not sure you can go back and change what happened, either the events that ended the friendship or the words that were uttered during the blowup. However, it sounds like you want to try and are willing to forgive your friend to some extent.

 

Since it has been two months since your last encounter, your friend's anger probably has dissipated and a calmer, less hostile conversation may, indeed, be possible. Let her know that you aren't happy with the way things ended and that you'd like another chance to discuss the problems you've had in a more positive manner. You'll probably be able to tell by her response whether or not this is possible.

 

To do this, it may be best to write your friend a note expressing your feelings and desire to get together. This will give her time to reflect on your request and on what happened between you so she isn't caught off guard. If you want to rekindle your relationship, you can also mention that you are open to that.

 

Since you were such close friends, I doubt that she is happy with the way your friendship ended either. I hope you can have a meaningful discussion that either allows you to become friends again or to walk away leaving each of you feeling more whole. It won't be easy but you seem to be motivated.

 

Hope this is helpful.

Sincerely,
Irene

 

QUESTION

 

Hi Irene,

I'm so happy to have found your blog and discovered your book. I will definitely be running out and buying a copy!

 

A very close, cherished friendship that I've had for 14 years has just come to a painful end, and I'm heartbroken. I wish there was a way to repair it, but I know it takes two to work on a relationship and my friend really did and said some things that damaged our relationship and my trust in her beyond repair. Still, having said that, I wish things had not unfolded as they did, and I certainly wish I could undo whatever my role in the demise was (although I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and really believe I only played a small role in it coming to an end).

 

It's been about two months now. What continues to pain me is the horrible last words exchanged between us. I certainly expressed my anger and hurt to her but I was careful to avoid attacking her character outright or name-calling her, or permanently burning bridges between us. On the other hand, she attacked me personally and said some downright nasty things that were so over-the-top they were obviously designed to wound.

 

We had been like sisters who loved each other for years-so to end on such hostile, borderline-hateful terms seems wrong and sad. I know we can't be close friends anymore, but I hate being haunted by the memory of our last conversation, and having that go down as the last one in the history book of our friendship (which had many loving, fun times through the years). I'm wondering if there is a way to temporarily be in touch just to end on better terms. I don't know if that even makes sense!

 

Thanks!

Penny

 

ANSWER

Dear Penny,

I'm sorry that you felt so betrayed that you had to end your friendship. Whether the decision was hers, yours, or mutual, this has to be a painful loss and it sound like you are reluctant to let go.

 

In terms of the harsh words exchanged between you: When people are hurt and upset, they often lash out and say things out of anger that don't represent their true feelings. I'm not sure you can go back and change what happened, either the events that ended the friendship or the words that were uttered during the blowup. However, it sounds like you want to try and are willing to forgive your friend to some extent.

 

Since it has been two months since your last encounter, your friend's anger probably has dissipated and a calmer, less hostile conversation may, indeed, be possible. Let her know that you aren't happy with the way things ended and that you'd like another chance to discuss the problems you've had in a more positive manner. You'll probably be able to tell by her response whether or not this is possible.

 

To do this, it may be best to write your friend a note expressing your feelings and desire to get together. This will give her time to reflect on your request and on what happened between you so she isn't caught off guard. If you want to rekindle your relationship, you can also mention that you are open to that.

 

Since you were such close friends, I doubt that she is happy with the way your friendship ended either. I hope you can have a meaningful discussion that either allows you to become friends again or to walk away leaving each of you feeling more whole. It won't be easy but you seem to be motivated.

 

Hope this is helpful.

Sincerely,
Irene

 

It doesn't surprise me that all the women I know are crazy about the new TNT series, Men of A Certain Age (Mondays 10PM/9c). The groundbreaking dramedy explores the bonds of late-middle-age male friendships as portrayed by three talented amigos: Ray Romano, Scott Bakula, Andre Braugher. What women love most about this show is that we finally get a glimpse of male friendships that resemble our own!

 

Joe (Romano) is the neurotic, recently separated, owner of a party story who is living in a hotel after having left his wife and two kids. Terry (Bakula) is a free wheeling spirit, an aging actor and yoga instructor, who has seemingly mastered the single life-for better and for worse. Owen (Braugher) is a stressed, overweight, and underpaid family man with diabetes who works in a car dealership owned by his despot father. Defying the stereotypes of male friendships, these men have figured out a way to maintain a tight threesome since their college days that continues to enrich each of their lives.

 

Conventional wisdom has it that male and female friendships are distinctly different; this truism is based on the convergence of decades of anthropological, psychological and sociological research. While there are some notable exceptions, overall, women are more likely than men to surround themselves with "best friends" with whom they can share their lives and feelings. Men, on the other hand, have fewer close friends; they are more likely to hang out with large groups of acquaintances or to become social isolates or appendages to women.

 

Women are happy just BEING together, having time to talk and share feelings. Men enjoy DOING things together-whether it's playing golf, watching a baseball game, or taking a hike. For this reason, female friendships have typically been described as face-to-face while their male counterparts have been characterized as side-to-side. Such distinctions based on gender are deeply ingrained and may even be genetic. A study of infants found that baby girls are far more likely to pay attention to facial expressions than are baby boys, suggesting that females may be more in tune with feelings and emotions from birth. As youngsters, boys tend to play in groups while women prefer best friend relationships.

 

Which brings us back to the show: The protagonists are three 40-something men who have maintained a remarkable friendship despite their lives veering off in different directions. Much of the dialogue takes place across the table in a local diner where they banter over coffee about the challenges they are facing in adjusting to change. They do it in a way that is both highly intelligent and highly relatable.

 

What is it about the bonds of these Men of A Certain Age that resonates with women?

1) While their personalities and life situations are different from one another, the men haven't lost sight that their friendship is based on their shared history (which counts for a lot), and the commonalities and core values they share as men and as human beings.

2) Even though there are signs of a technological revolution all around them, these men recognize the importance of "face time." They regularly get together for meals so they can talk and remain current with each other's lives. When Joe observes his teenage children texting, it's clear that cell phones and the Internet are still a bit of an anathema to him.

3) Just like women who freely talk about their bodies, internal secretions, and itchy parts, the "boys" are comfortable sharing uncomfortable intimacies with one another. In the last episode, Joe talked candidly about his insecurities in making love with another woman for the first time after being separated from his wife.

4) The men have come to realize that neither they, as individuals, nor their friendships are perfect. Each man has his peccadilloes. For example, Joe has a gambling habit that's caused him a lot of problems. While his buddies are aware of it and occasionally remind him that he needs to get it under control, they accept him as he is without judging him too harshly.

5) Even with the confines of a show that lasts but one hour each week (wish it were more), the men always have time to laugh. Despite economic pressures, periodic lapses in self-confidence, problems achieving balance between work and life, and coping with a stable of unstable relationships, they make time to kick back and enjoy themselves.

 

Whether you're male or female, of a certain age or not, you'll find yourself laughing with or cringing at their antics, recognizing once again the vital importance of friendship and wishing there were more characters like these guys.

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

A year ago, my best friend of 14 years gave birth to her twin boys. Their biological father has never been in their lives and my friend took him to court. She was awarded full legal and physical custody of the twins, which we were VERY happy about. Of course she asked me to be the twins godmother, a role which I gladly accepted.

 

Since day one, I have been a major part of the boys' lives. We've always been attached at the hip. My best friend doesn't drive so I'm the driver and we take the babies everywhere with us.

 

The problem I am having now is that I have completely fallen in love with those boys; I imagine that I love them just as much as their real mama does. Because of this special bond, I am so scared. My friend has some medical issues and if anything were to happen to her, the boys could easily be ripped away from me in a heartbeat, either by the biological father's family or my best friend's family. Most people wouldn't think that either side is mentally stable.

 

I am like a second mother to the boys yet I have no rights whatsoever. My friend wants me to be the one to raise them as my own IF anything were to ever happen to her, but we have no idea how to do this legally. What rights would a court give to a mothers "best friend?"

 

Most people assume we are gay, which doesn't offend me because, honestly, we are "soul mates" who just happen to not be in a physical relationship. Otherwise we act like a married couple raising two kids.

 

What should I do to reduce my level of stress and stop the nightmares? I have never loved anybody as much as I love my boys. I refer to them as my babies even when talking to my best friend! She is not the most responsible person and depends on me as well. She still lives with her grandparents and got knocked up by a crazy person who has now landed in jail for being a sex-offender.

 

Needless to say our lives are never dull and although technically I am a single woman without kids, I really feel like a single mother of three! LOL! Should I pursue some sort of legal "backup" so at least I would feel safe in knowing that if something were to ever happen to my best friend that I could be the boys' legal guardian? Or should I just let it go and pray for the best? I never thought I could love them so much and I don't want to lose them.

Thanks,
Casey

ANSWER

Dear Casey,

The question you posed is not a friendship problem, per se. You and your best friend really need legal advice. Your attachment and love for the two babies is understandable since you've been like a surrogate second parent since they were born---but you are not their mother, nor your friend's. The situation you describe sounds pretty unstable so, to some extent, I understand your fears.

 

The question you didn't ask me-whether or not this is a healthy friendship-is more appropriately in my bailiwick. I think you need to take a hard look at this complicated situation and sort out your feelings about your best friend, her children, and the rest of her family with a mental health professional. As you describe your best friend, she doesn't appear to have good judgment and is extremely dependent on you. Although you're crazy about the babies, is this the type of relationship you want for yourself or that would serve you well in the future?

 

The fact that you are having recurrent nightmares suggests that the friendship and your relationship with the boys has become so stressful that the first step you need to take is to figure out your hopes for YOUR future.

I hope this is helpful!

Best,
Irene

Whether it's the occasion of a birthday or an anniversary, or the passing of another year or of another decade, it's human nature to periodically take stock of things. Turning the page on the calendar means looking back and looking forward, which often brings into bold relief those aspects of our lives where we think we've fallen short and want to do better. Most people (and resolutions) focus on health, finances, family and career---but our friendships also warrant some thought and close examination.

 

Here are 5 suggested ways to go about it:

 

1) Take stock of your inventory and rid yourself of any excess

No one relishes having a cluttered closet or overstuffed chest of drawers filled with so much "stuff" that they don't know what they have or can't access what they need. It can be as daunting as facing an empty closet or one with clothes that don't fit. Similarly, having too many friends (even good ones) or too many questionable friendships (Think: frenemies) can be a distraction that weighs someone down.

So, to start, I would suggest that you spend some time this week, perhaps a half-hour, assessing which of your friendships are true ones and decide to make them a priority. It might even help to make a list on paper. Because time is so finite, the trick to living a good life is skillfully balancing your family, career, friendships and private time so that it meets your own goals and desires. Consign the less rewarding friendships to a top shelf in your virtual closet where you don't often go and keep the treasured ones in view where they can be enjoyed and nurtured.

 

2) Examine whether you've been spending your time and energy with emotional vampires

Do you have a roster of toxic friends or frenemies in your life? (Caution: Having just one of them may be too much.) Do you have close relationships that are filled with ambivalence and hostility and that seem to drain your energy and leave you feeling stressed? Do some of your relationships feel one-sided and simply take too much work? Is your friend judgmental or competitive, by nature?

While most research on friendship and health focuses on the positive relationship between the two, some relationships are simply too stressful to be rewarding. One study (see reference below) suggests that the stress of unpredictable, ambivalent, love-hate relationships can lead to elevations in blood pressure. According to the researchers, a relationship with a friend who is "unreliable, competitive, critical or frustrating" would fall into this category .

In her final column in the Washington Post, columnist Ellen Goodman wrote about the importance of "letting go," reiterating thoughts she had written some 30 years earlier: "There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives...It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out."

Are you only hanging on to one or more friendships only because of your reluctance to let go of a shared history? Perhaps, you need to let go.

 

3) After you look carefully at your friendships, entertain the possibility that even with the friends you have, you may be lonely

Like our lives, friendships are dynamic and change over time. The friend you made in high school, the mom-friend you made when your children played together, or the woman you shared an office with may have little in common with you now. Each time we grow or make situational changes in our lives, it impinges upon our friendships. That's why we need to be open to making friends at every age and stage of our lives-whether at work, at school, or in your neighborhood.

It's easiest to form friendships with people with whom who have something in common. If you don't come into contact with many people (perhaps you're a new mother, in middle-age sandwiched between caregiving responsibilities, or have just moved to a new town where you don't know anyone), create opportunities to meet friends by pursuing your own interests (creative, athletic, political, spiritual). Join a gym, a book club, or a meetup group.

 

4) Make sure you have at least one "best friend"

It's far easier to acquire hundreds of Facebook "friends" and scores of Twitter followers than it is to develop a sense of intimacy and caring with a far more limited number of people that you would consider "best friends." Each of us needs at least one close friend with whom we feel open and trusting enough to bare our true selves; more than one is even better. These intimate relationships help affirm whom we are and whom we want to become.

Initially, two people "click" and feel comfortable together but a close friendship builds over time. There are no guarantees that these relationships will last forever but the risk of them withering away increases greatly if they aren't nurtured with time and caring.

 

5) Resolve to be a better friend to others

Do you give as much as you ask for? We may feel so comfortable with our closest friends that we take them for granted. Or we may be so set in our ways that we aren't sensitive to them.

I've been blogging about female friendships on The Friendship Blog for almost three years and have written nearly three hundred posts during that time. The most widely read post was written in February 2009 on the topic of "needy friends." Readers said they resonated to that post because they either felt that their friends demanded more than they were able to give or else that they, themselves, recognized that they were needy people who alienated others.

So perhaps a reminder is in order that in order: To have a best friend you have to be one. People need to be attuned to their friends' needs and give as much as they get. Although the balance shifts from day to day or from year to year, overall, a relationship needs to be reciprocal to have staying power.

Best wishes for the New Year! May it be filled with precious friendships that bring you health and happiness!

 

Reference: 

Holt-Lunstad, J., Uchino, B. N., Smith, T. W. & Hicks, A. (2007). On the importance of relationship quality: The impact of ambivalence in friendships on cardiovascular functioning. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 33, 1-12.