Month of December , 2009

I have to admit that each time I watch a re-run of Sex and The City, I'm jealous of Carrie Bradshaw's friendships. The foxy quartet seems to have infinite time and opportunity to sit, talk, and laugh.

 

For me, carving out time to meet a friend for a leisurely lunch feels like a guilty indulgence even before I look at the menu. To tell the truth, I'm so pressured by the unfinished tasks on my to-do list that I even hesitate to take the time to catch up with friends by phone. Feelings like this are eerily reminiscent of the days when I was a student weighed down by homework assignments. Now, I'm still driven by deadlines and responsibility. I know what you're thinking: A "friendship doctor" who doesn't have time to nurture her own friendships? Mea culpa. It's easy to get caught up in the stuff of life and forget what's important.

 

Even Sarah Jessica Parker isn't the same person as the character she plays in the series either. In a recent interview in USA Weekend, the busy wife, mother, actor and producer admits that she, too, is envious of Carrie. "One of the many differences between myself and Carrie Bradshaw is that it's as if she has 48 hours in the day," she says. "She can really luxuriate in her friendships and nurture them by virtue of the choices she had made in terms of career and family."

 

Certainly, the friendship patterns of the last two generations of women are infinitely more complex and dynamic than the ones that preceded them. Our lives are filled with more possibilities. When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, women repeatedly echoed the sentiment that having one best friend isn't enough---particularly if that best friend moves away, gets married, changes careers, gets divorced, has children, becomes widowed, retires or her life circumstances change significantly. The dynamic lives of two close friends rarely follow parallel paths.

 

There is abundant research that suggests that close friendships are essential to a woman's health and emotional well-being; these vital ties enable them to become better wives, mothers, daughters, and workers. To maintain these relationships, though, women need to create and maintain face-to-face rituals with their female friends. This can take the form of a book club, cooking club; planning regular get-togethers; joining a civic, political or religious group; having a weekly game night (bridge, Scrabble, Bunco, or mah-jongg); or planning periodic girlfriend getaways (if your friends are out-of-towners). One woman told me that she and her best friend have a regular "date night," penciled in on their calendars each week.

 

The choices we make depend on our personalities, interests and life situations. But to make life-affirming and joyful friendships that stick, there's no substitute for putting in the time. We all need to develop routines to incorporate friendships into the ordinary fabric of our lives and make them a priority--just like Carrie and the girls.

 

QUESTION

Irene,

I wonder if you would ever post anything about the effect that socially withdrawn mothers have on their daughters' later friendship lives. My mother didn't have any close friends at all (just a cousin she hung around with and still does) and, in fact, disdains friendship even though she is into her 60s.

 

I never had any close friends either. I can't seem to connect with anyone, preferring to spend time alone, but I would like to be better balanced and, of course, have some decent relationships.

 

I can't help feeling like my mother set a poor example and that I was "raised by wolves" because my father also only has a couple close friends (he's down to one close friend, and this point).

 

Life without friends is HARD and yet I have spent so much time alone pursuing my own thing, by necessity. I feel like I have little in common with most women I meet; I spent my whole life reading books and doing creative things. The more time I spend alone, enriching myself, the harder it is to relate to others in a way that fosters friendship.

 

I also feel like no women would want to be friends with me because I don't have a circle of friends that they can network with. I sense that it's all about this big square dance of friendship networks and that if I don't "bring anything to the table" socially, other women won't want to have much to do with me when they find out who I really am - a solitary woman who doesn't want to be a full-time loner.

 

I don't want to live my mother's life yet I don't have any female role models who are into friendship (even my only aunt, my mother's sister, is a spinster loner, and my only sibling, a sister, also prefers to keep to herself). How does one break out of a family pattern of isolation?

 

Signed,
Lucia

 

ANSWER

Dear Lucia,

People differ along a variety of dimensions, including their interest in and ability to make friends. For some, connecting with others feels absolutely natural and comes easily; others find it difficult, if not painful. Some people are content to be left alone; others crave constant contact. Most people would agree that these differences among people, sometimes even between twins, are due to some combination of nature (genetic traits) and nurture (upbringing).

 

It sounds like you are shy and introverted, yet you are interested in making some friends. Your biggest roadblock may be your lack of self-confidence. The fact that you "spent your whole life" reading books and doing creative things doesn't diminish your desirability as a friend; rather, it should enhance it making you a more interesting person.

 

Maybe you could find a book, arts, or crafts group in your community that you could use as a training ground to practice your social skills. Participating in a small group, as opposed to one-on-one, will give you the opportunity to meet people in a safe setting to see if you "click" with anyone in the group.

 

In my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I describe some of the basic techniques for making new friends. As hokey as it sounds, a smile and sincere expression of interest in another person are the first small steps towards making a new friend.

 

Meetup groups are good places to find other people who are interested in the same things as you and who want to affiliate with other people. You could also try signing up for an adult continuing education class at your local high school of community college.

 

You may feel like you were "raised by wolves" but it doesn't matter now. You're an intelligent adult who is responsible for your own happiness. You need to step up to the plate and begin making friends regardless of your family history.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best, Irene

 

 

For my Canadian friends and readers especially:

 

An excellent article by Kate Fillion in the January 2010 issue of Chatelaine describes the reasons why your once-BFF can suddenly leave your life.

 

You can read the Chatelaine article in its entirety here.

 

 

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I met my best friend at a small restaurant where we both used to work. Even after I quit, Dee and I were very close and talked on the phone two or three times a day. We knew every personal detail of each other's lives. She used to tell me you are lucky to get one good friend in a lifetime and that I was her one true friend.

 

The bizarre problem: During the 15 years that I'd known Dee, she has had parties and never invited me. This included a party of 300 for her daughter's graduation. She also had a jewelry party and I love jewelry--but she told me about it the next day. I did confront her and stopped talking to her a couple of times because of this. Her excuses were evasive like you don't know my daughter, or blame my husband because he mailed the invites. One year she even lied to me about passing out candy at Halloween so we wouldn't stop there. Then, the next day she told me she only passed out candy for an hour.

 

Towards the end of our friendship, at 5:30PM one evening, Dee invited me to a psychic party that was scheduled to start at 6PM. She said that she needed seven people or would have to pay $35 for each one who didn't show. I told her I would have come if I had been given proper notice. Then she said, "Don't say I never invite you then."

 

Without this stupid problem, we had a very good and very strong friendship. I really miss my friend but I don't know how this problem could be solved. The last time I talked to her she was having a jewelry party and I know she could sense the anger in my voice when I heard about it. We both hung up that day and I didn't call and neither did she. That was last year. I was hoping you could help me.

 

Signed,
Carla

 

ANSWER

 

Hi Carla,

Dee has definitely drawn lines in the sand and relegated your relationship to one corner of her life. When something is so hard to fathom, it is usually because you are missing some piece of vital information (Think of it like trying to solve a puzzle with a missing piece.)

 

In this case, I can think of three possibilities:

• There's something about you that makes Dee feel so uncomfortable so she doesn't want you involved with her family or other friends;

• She is uncomfortable about some aspect of her own life that she hasn't chosen to share with you; or

• She has divulged something to you that she wants kept secret from her family and acquaintances.

 

Whatever the reason, this is more than a "stupid problem" because Dee lied, deceived, and hurt you--multiple times--rather than tell you the truth. Oddly, the way she chose to handle your friendship is reminiscent of someone carrying on an adulterous affair.

 

Since so much time has elapsed since your last contact with her, my best advice would be to let go, tell yourself you don't want that kind of friendship, and focus on nurturing healthier relationships than this one.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

I rarely post a link to someone else's article on my blog but I absolutely loved this essay by Walter Kirn that touches on  friendship, loneliness and Facebook.

 

A Facebook Christmas Love Story (subtitle: How Facebook cured my holiday loneliness) was published in the New York Times Magazine on Sunday, December 20th. While a widely reported study co-authored by Nicholas Christakis of Harvard Medical School (published in this month's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) suggests that loneliness is contagious, this essay suggests that when a lonely person reaches out, even digitally, they may find a satisfying connection.

 

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

 

P.S. Kirn is the author of Up in the Air~

 

What would you say to Elin Nordegren (Mrs. Tiger Woods) if you were her BFF? Bad news can take many forms but the rules of friendship-on how to help a close friend who is dealing with bad stuff-are fairly universal.

 

What would you say to any friend who was experiencing an overwhelming personal problem? It might be the friend who didn't get into her dream school, the friend whose boyfriend broke off with her, the friend whose husband lost his job, the friend whose son's recent drug charges made their way into the local paper, the friend who had another miscarriage, the friend whose home has been foreclosed by the bank, the friend who was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer, the friend whose daughter has an obvious eating disorder, the friend whose young child was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the friend who suddenly lost her husband, or the office friend who was passed over for a promotion.

 

Although bad stuff happens all the time-at every age and stage of life-it's probably the first time your friend has been faced with this problem. As a result, she may feel confused, alone, victimized, and/or ashamed-and have trouble coping.

 

Here are some suggestions about what you might do as a friend:

 

1) Acknowledge that you know what happened

The story doesn't have to make the front page of US Weekly or the NY Post, but when people in your office, neighborhood, or circle of friends know that something bad went down, don't pretend that you don't-especially if you are a close friend.

Some people think it's impolite to acknowledge that they heard bad news or think that it isn't their place to say anything. They also may not know what to say. This leaves the friend in trouble feeling alone and isolated, even from her closest friends, and unsure why people are reacting that way. Do they know or not? Does their mean they blame her for what happened? Are her friends purposely distancing themselves from her? Are they uncomfortable talking about what happened? Think about how you would feel in similar circumstances. It's a very lonely place to be.

In the most general way, tell your friend that you heard about what happened and that you're so sorry she's in this situation. If your friend asks how you found out, be as honest as you can be without hurting her. If it was a third-person who told you, you don't need to name names.

 

2) Be a good listener and keep the questions to a minimum

She may not be ready to talk and may be unsure of her own feelings. Instead, prime yourself for being a good listener. Don't ask probing questions, prying for details that she doesn't want to discuss or isn't ready to divulge. Let her take the lead in the conversation. By listening, you'll be able to gauge her comfort level in what she's ready or not ready to talk about.

Remind your friend that she can trust you. Ensure her that you'll keep everything she tells you private and MEAN it. If someone has a public profile or has been deeply hurt by someone close to her, she may be particularly wary of other people-including good friends.

 

3) Offer your best advice

She may be grappling with a series of difficult decisions. For example, should she file for divorce, should she seek custody of the kids, should she leave for a vacation in Sweden, and should she talk to the press? It's hard to know what's right and wrong for a friend unless you are in her shoes and know all the facts. Yet, you only know part of the story-what you've heard or what you've been told, not what she's experienced.

My feeling is that friends expect to get unsolicited advice from their close friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that your friend will act upon it but at least you will have provided her with someone else's outside perspective-an opinion from someone who knows and cares about her.

If she rejects what you say, she may have not told you everything, she may not be ready to hear or act upon what you have to say, or she may simply have a different opinion. Unless your friend is engaging in obviously self-destructive behavior, you probably should step back and give her some time to consider or reject your advice.

 

4) Let her know that you are there for her

At times like this, women need their female friends. Tell her explicitly that you want to help out in any way you can. Even if you feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's 14 purported mistresses or the prognosis of her illness, let her know you are there for her in concrete ways. You can offer to watch the kids so she can have some time off or offer to drive her to treatments. Ask her what she needs. If she isn't able to tell you, make some suggestions.

Being there is a process rather than a one-time event. Check in with her periodically even if she doesn't feel like chatting. Keep the calls short or write her a brief note, telling her that you want her to know that you're thinking about her and are available to help when needed. If her needs or those of her family are overwhelming, ask her permission to organize a group of friends who can take turns, for example, bringing meals to the family on different evenings. Recognize that her needs may change over time.

 

5) Resist the temptation to tell her that you know how she feels

You may have experienced death, divorce or disability, but your experience may be far different than hers. Show respect to your friend by listening and responding to her personal experience rather than reciting your own. People need to find their own ways to understand and cope with bad news and loss.

 

I truly hope that Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren have good friends. Sometimes only our female friends can help us dig out of an emotional crisis by being there, providing support, and helping us recognize our own strengths.

 

What are some other ways that you can be there for a friend in trouble?

 

Being a BFF takes effort, especially when friendships are  challenged by time and distance. These five tried and true tips were gleaned from insights contained in more than 16,000 essays submitted in the No nonsense® Between Friends Contest. For more information, visit www.nononsense.com.

 

1.  Be invested. It's going to be a bit harder to connect through different time zones and different phases of life, but if you're serious, you'll be invested for the long haul. Being invested can be as simple as remembering to call weekly or monthly or as complicated as making the effort to plan vacations together. And the investment can vary over time and space, as long as the relationship remains positive and fulfilling for both friends.

2.  Be authentic. The internet offers new and wonderful ways friends can share and get really personal through online support groups and chat rooms. It's paramount that you represent yourself authentically because trust and honesty are the foundation of any relationship whether it's in person or on line. When you're sharing about a personal issue, make sure you're telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth...if you don't, your friend will know.


3.  Make a pact. Many friends separated by time or distance have an unwritten code ... that no matter what, they'll always take that long weekend in October. Or kick off the summer with that special beach celebration. Make these "appointment" meetings the rule not the exception and do not cancel.

 

4.  Be creative in your contact. Don't just call. Jot a quick note saying that, even though you may be separated by distance, you're thinking about her. Text her just to say hi. Send flowers to her office. Remember her birthday and anniversary. Little things go a long way.

 

5.  Make new memories and share old ones. While time and distance certainly pose difficulties, the best friends don't let that stop them. Sharing a wonderful new memory is a great way to reconnect. Upload a photo to Facebook. Send a photo to your friend in that different time zone. Share a new experience or details of a great evening out ... and let your friend know how much you missed them. Or regale your bi-coastal buddy with a "remember when?" ... she'll get a kick out of a long-forgotten memory popping up on a Tuesday evening. And she'll thank you for it!

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

My friend Michelle, whom I've known over ten years, was a late relationship bloomer. She broke up with her first serious boyfriend about a year ago; they were together for three years. It destroyed her. But less than two weeks later, she was talking to him again. He didn't want to rekindle the relationship; he just wanted sex.

 

So for the past year she has had sex with him, but she isn't emotionally strong enough to have a friends-with-benefits relationship. She spends most of her time with him and his family but they all take advantage of her. She babysits his sister's kids for free and calls them her niece and nephew. She completely downgraded her career path so she could work part-time with two members of his family, whom she drives to work. She drives him around because he doesn't work.

 

She invited herself to their family camping trip in the summer; then they made her drive. I have talked to her about how unhealthy a situation it is for her to be in, but she refuses to see it. Today, it went too far. She met the family at the hospital to be there for the family, while their grandma was on her deathbed. I can appreciate being there for a friend, but she feels that she is family and entitled to be there for all of the private family moments.

 

She never let the relationship feelings go. He gets sex without any of the effort of treating her like a girlfriend, so I don't think he'll make the change. I should also mention that the family has made nothing but poor financial decisions; they have declared bankruptcy multiple times and right now the whole family is living in a rented home, using credit to buy things that they don't need. Since she met her ex, she works as little as possible and at 25 years old had to declare bankruptcy herself. Unfortunately, she hasn't learned anything about money since then, and I can see her making the same mistakes.

 

I love her so much and she has been one of my best friends since we were 14, but it hurts me to watch her throw her life away. I don't know what to do. Is there something that can help her see what's going on or should I cut her out?

Signed,
Laila

 

ANSWER

Dear Laila,

 

As you point out, Michelle has been sucked into this family that seems to be headed on a downward spiral. I suspect that she has such low self-esteem and is so needy for her boyfriend's affection that she is willingly doing whatever she can to remain involved with him.

 

As her friend, I understand how you would be concerned about her. I'm sure you've expressed your feelings about this situation to her more than once. Unfortunately, she seems to be "stuck" and is making a series of bad decisions regarding her career, finances and social relationships.

 

You can do two things for her as a friend: 1) Try to engage her in positive experiences with yourself and other people from time to time so her world isn't limited to that of her boyfriend and his family. 2) Suggest that she may benefit from some counseling to help her become more confident and independent.

 

She's an adul and even if you were her mother or her sister, you couldn't do much more than that. Whether it's drinking, gambling, work, or love, people often make bad decisions that are painful to watch for those who love them. If the friendship is too frustrating for you to sustain, you may have to tell her so. But leave the door open so she can come back to you if she is able to dig herself out of this pit.

Hope this is helpful.

Irene

QUESTION

Irene,

 

I have spent countless hours trying to understand what happened to my friendship. I'm 63 and Donna is 67. We met at work and shared the same office for about ten years. Donna talks about herself and her problems constantly. Whenever anyone would come into the office, she would monopolize the conversation. Over the years she has told me every personal detail about her kids' drug problems, her kids' marriage problems, that her son that wanted to give up his parental rights to his ex-wife, about her mother's problems, and about her husband's medical problems (he's been quite ill for the past year). I could write a book.

 

Before I retired more than ten years ago, my husband and I purchased a 100-acre parcel bordering her and her husband's property. We built a house, business and barns. Donna and her husband are equestrians but only have 2 acres for their horses. After listening to her talk about her horses, riding, and horse camping for many years, I purchased a horse. For the past 12 years, Donna, her husband, and I have been trail riding on our property together at least twice a week. Donna and I also belong to ladies' riding group and ride together at least 4-5 hours every Tuesday.

 

In June, James and Donna went to visit their son in Lexington. When they returned, they talked about how their son and daughter-in-law couldn't wait for them to leave after the visit. I said, "It would be better if you lived closer and you wouldn't have such long visits." They insisted they weren't ready. During the summer, we continued to ride and they never talked about moving. She did drop comments like "I won't be planting my greenhouse next year" and "James won't be getting wood" and "We won't be able to keep the horses." I assumed James was very ill or maybe she was. Although I was worried about them, I didn't want to ask.

 

Just before they went back for another trip, Donna called and said they had been looking for property, had found a lot on the internet, and would be moving so James could be near their son. I said, "I understand, but I will sure miss you." They left to purchase the property and I went on a weeklong camping trip with several of the gals that ride together.

 

Our rides with Donna and her husband generally lasted about two hours with her talking all the time. James and I can't get a word in edgewise. The rides are always at 1:00 or 1:30PM. If I say I would like to go at 2:30, she says, "No, we need to go earlier." It's her way or the highway.

 

When she called to ride after they returned, she started talking about the nice property they bought, a neighbor she couldn't wait to meet, etc. She went on to say how it was up to her to make sure that all the paperwork was in order. She said they were waiting for a call from the title company and would be going back to Lexington to sign papers. She said, "I caught a huge error when we purchased the lot in June and it fell through."

 

Then I realized she had purchased property in June and hadn't told me until now. I asked why. She said in a very controlling rude voice, "That is my personal business I thought you would be upset". I literally gasped. I said, "I'll see you on the ride" and hung up but didn't go that day and I haven't been on a ride with them since then. I was almost hysterical. My husband said to forget it, but he is a man and doesn't understand.

 

She hasn't called and I haven't either. I see her every Tuesday to ride with the girls. The first time I saw her after the phone call, she came over to my trailer to give me an apple for my horse. I could tell by her face she was embarrassed and didn't know what to say. I thanked her and that was it. I didn't talk to her on the ride. I just can't get past her hiding the fact all summer that they were moving.

 

The worst part of this is I do miss her. Twenty years of friendship is a long time. Also, it is very uncomfortable on Tuesdays with the other gals. They know we aren't talking to each other. I am not friendless. For the past 8 years, I've been riding and camping with another couple and another lady. We go on week camp trips as a foursome. I have other close friends: my bridge partner, my walking partner, etc.)

 

I expect an apology for her rudeness, but that hasn't been forthcoming and I don't think it will be. I feel betrayed. What is your evaluation of this entire scenario of the end of a friendship?

Thank you,
Cara

 

ANSWER

Cara,

 

You sound pretty ambivalent about your friendship. You enjoyed working, riding, and being with Donna enough to sustain a twenty-year friendship but you also are saying now that you could barely tolerate her incessant chatter, rigidity, self-centeredness, and controlling nature.

 

It is definitely strange that Donna felt comfortable to share so many intimate details of her family's life with you but decided that telling you about her impending decision to move was too "personal." I'm also confused why you never asked your friend to explain the comments she made during the summer suggesting that there were going to be major changes taking place in her life. How could you just ignore her comments?

 

I think you are both having a very difficult time ending a long-term friendship that you both enjoyed. My guess is that Donna is upset about her husband's illness and their need to move, about all the changes that are taking place in her life, about her inability to control everything going on around her, and about moving away from you.

 

I think you are feeling a tremendous sense of loss as well that feels like a betrayal. To justify your feelings, you are remembering more negative than positive things about her. You would not have kept the friendship going for so long if it wasn't worth its weight in gold. You have other friends but this was a special friendship that was life changing in terms of all you shared together and because it introduced you to the equestrian world that you now enjoy so much.

 

Don't stand on ceremony waiting for an apology. Allow your friend to have made a mistake in not being explicit. She's leaving and your relationship will be changing as a result. Instead of ending it on an ill note, tell her that you really will miss her and that you hope you can still stay in touch. Not only will this type of reconciliation allow you to feel more comfortable with your friends who are remaining, it will allow you to feel more comfortable about yourself.

 

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

There is no pain greater than the loss of a child. Parents who have suffered such a tragedy say that they never get over it; at best, they get through it. Lynn Bozof of Atlanta, Georgia, lost her son Evan when he was 20. A junior at Georgia Southwestern University, Evan was an honor student and a pitcher on his college baseball team. Below Lynn shares her experience of how the friends she made through a support group helped her cope with this unimaginable loss.

 

Can you briefly tell us about the circumstances leading to Evan's death in 1998?

 

Evan was away at school when he complained of a horrible headache, the worst he'd ever had. He was nauseated and couldn't hold anything down. We told him to get a friend to take him to the emergency room. When he arrived at the ER, the doctors thought he had a virus but kept him overnight so that he could get some extra rest.

 

I called my son about 7AM the next day but he was too sick to talk. I had the nurse put the phone up to his ear and asked if he wanted us to pick him up to come home for the weekend. He did. Before we could even leave home, we received a call from the hospital saying that Evan had meningococcal meningitis and was in critical condition.

 

When you get a phone call like this, your mind can't fully absorb what you're being told. My husband and I drove three hours to see Evan, not knowing if he would be alive when we got there. A few hours later, the doctors transferred him to a larger hospital, better equipped to handle bacterial meningitis. As he was taken to the ambulance, I told him, "Love you, Evan." As weak and sick as he was, he said, "Love you, Mom." Those were the last words he said to us.

 

Before long, all of his organs started to shut down. His fingers, his toes, his ears, and his nose all turned black, then his entire hands and feet, and the gangrene kept spreading up his limbs. We watched Evan fight to breathe, fight to live. Two weeks later, he was transferred to a third hospital. His arms had to be amputated above the elbows and his legs above the knees. We signed consent forms allowing the doctors to amputate as much as was necessary to save his life. Several days later, he had grand mal seizures for 10 hours that caused irreversible brain swelling, leaving him brain-dead.

 

Our son Evan, whom we loved more than we can ever put into words, had to be disconnected from the machines that were keeping him alive. He was placed in a body bag in front of our eyes.

 

Were your friends at home a source of solace and support after the death? How did they react?

 

Many friends offered support and were great, but some tried to avoid me. They probably didn't know how to handle it. I felt different and alone, as if were wearing a sign, "Mother who lost her son." Not only was I dealing with grief-but also somehow I felt guilty that I had allowed this to happen.

 

After Evan's death, what drew you and your husband to get involved with a support group?

 

At that time, my husband and I never knew that college students were at increased risk for meningitis. When we found out that a meningitis vaccine existed, we realized that our son didn't have to die. And if we didn't know about the vaccine, we were sure there were other parents who didn't know either.

 

We met other parents who had similar stories: The common denominator was that none of us knew that this disease was potentially vaccine-preventable. To have more of an impact, we banded together to form a national organization, the National Meningitis Association (NMA). Along the way, I met other moms, never knowing how closely our shared tragedies would bond us together.

 

Can you describe the special bond between you and other Meningitis Moms? Do you consider them friends?

 

There's a line from a Charles Dickens book, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Losing a child is, by far, the worst of times; there is nothing worse. For me, the "best of times" came into being with the wonderful friendships I formed within NMA, especially with a group we call Moms on Meningitis (M.O.M.s).

 

Meningitis swoops down and robs you of someone you love. Friends can empathize and share your grief, but there's something so pernicious about the infection -- its relentlessness, the way it invades your child's body -- which only a mom who has gone through it, can understand. Through this common bond, we formed great friendships. We've laughed together, cried together, shared stories of children and grandchildren. We were tied together at first by grief, then by determination to not let this happen to other families. In the process, many of us became close friends.

 

Have you learned any lessons about female friendship through your family's tragedy?

 

I've learned that when you find friends, as bad as things may seem, you aren't alone. I know that when my feelings of grief start to overwhelm me, that I can reach out to one of the moms, and share my feelings. She isn't going to think I'm "overdoing it" or that it's time to "get over it." They know what I'm going through.

 

Just today, I "facebooked" another mom who is going through a holiday slump. While you miss your child each and every day, certain times of the year, when you expect your whole family to be together, the loss seems greater. I said that I was going through a slump, too, and just knowing that each of us wasn't alone, made us both feel better and feel closer. While I don't want anyone else to lose someone they love to meningitis and become a part of our support group, I'm very grateful for the friendships I've formed while dealing with the loss of my child.

 

* Lynn Bozof has been the President of the National Meningitis Association since 2002.

* After writing several magazine articles about meningococcal disease and meeting the moms, the author joined the volunteer NMA Advisory Committee.

 

Information about meningococcal disease

Information about the National Meningitis Association

Information about the M.O.M.s program