Month of November , 2009

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

 

I was a close friend with a co-worker for 5 years. At one point, she had a huge fight with a mutual co-worker, someone with emotional problems with whom I remained friends. She wasn't comfortable with the other woman; the stress between the two of them was palpable. I really don't blame her for that.

 

Anyway, my friend and I used to share an office and got quite close until she left for a while. When she returned, she got a nice promotion and seemed very busy. While she was gone, I got a new office mate and struck up other office friendships. A group of us regularly go for drinks and occasional lunches.

 

For at least a month, I sensed a vibe from her of not being very friendly toward me. I probably didn't reach out to her like I should have but I have had personal issues (surviving my cancer, depression in my family, and a mom with dementia in a nursing home) that make some days a challenge just to get through.

 

I went to her a couple of days ago and asked if something was wrong. She told me she was disappointed that I wasn't the friend she thought. She said that everything was about me---I never asked how things were going with her, etc. Basically, she said she didn't consider me a friend any longer but would work with me without any problems. She also said I spend my time with the "others" and never reached out to her (although I have not gotten an invite from her for a while). She's had similar episodes and ended two other close friendships.

 

I will admit I did get lazy, but not intentionally. As I said, my energy level is not at its highest. She is not well-liked around the office, known as a troublemaker and gossip, and I had often found myself defending her work and work decisions. When we were friends, I always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway, I was pretty upset, after she insinuated that I was a piece of crap as a friend. I told her that I had been extremely busy lately, was sick, etc. I also told her that life is short and if people are really friends, they should get past that. I sent her a short email later expressing that, too.

 

I feel really badly--and guilty. Am I an evil, selfish, all-about-me person? I never meant to hurt or disappoint her. We were like kids sometimes, giggling and having a good time, and I miss her company. I am guessing the best thing to do is to step back and hold off asking her to lunch, as it would seem fake at this point. I'm also vowing to never establish a work friendship again-it is just too difficult if it doesn't work out.

Signed,
Sad Sara

 

ANSWER

Hi Sara,

 

Your letter raises two basic questions: 1) Are you responsible for the uncomfortable relationship with your co-worker? and 2) Should you avoid future friendships at work based on this experience?

 

First, it's understandable that you would feel awkward when a close friendship falls apart and you have to see the other person every day at work. Yet under the best of circumstances, your friend was high-maintenance. She was volatile, possessive of you, and tended to get into conflicts with co-workers. It sounds like you overlooked a lot of negatives to maintain the friendship. You tried to resolve the misunderstanding and handled yourself as well as one might expect.

 

Given everything that has happened in your life recently, you have every reason to be less patient and less tolerant of a friendship that is weighing you down. Your inability to navigate this difficult relationship doesn't make you a bad friend. If anything, you should feel a bit miffed at her. Does your friend even realize that you are coping with a lot right now and may need support rather than more demands placed on you?

 

In terms of the second question, workplace friendships can have their upsides and downsides so they need to be handled cautiously. Of course, befriending a known troublemaker greatly increases the risk of potential problems. You need to step back and concentrate on taking care of yourself-focusing primarily on your work, at work. Maintain a cordial and professional relationship with your once-close friend and don't give up all your other office relationships because of one bad egg.

 

Hope this is helpful.

Best,

Irene

 

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QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I've been friends for three years with a guy at my office. We became friends after a really rough period in which I was demoted, isolated, and treated quite shabbily, though I couldn't afford to leave and wasn't in the best psychological state to do so (like, I was in need of health-insurance-paid therapy to restore myself). Only after laying a potential legal case before HR did I get the option of working in a different area at our office, with a different group, and things have stabilized. Our friendship helped me endure those dark days. We had spontaneous, one-on-one happy hours and bull sessions on the way home (since we live a few blocks from each other), dinners, etc. He's worked at our office a decade, in the somewhat protective bubble of our IT department, and has seen it all.

 

Just to clarify things: He is gay, and I am a heterosexual woman, so no crushes there. We are both moderate introverts who value our privacy and down time, though my friend acts way more outgoing than he really is. We tend to keep our "circles" of friends separate, and we prefer to keep our intimate (platonic) relationship at work quiet, as well as our outside interests. We work in a high-powered, hyper-aggressive, alpha male-dominated environment that is rife with sex, race, and age discrimination, and those who haven't been driven out by that know each other, though none of us really have much in common. My friend and I became friends because we did.

 

In any case, lately my friend has adopted this "I love you, now go away" persona that's testing my patience. Every few months I get the occasional drunk dial about how much he wants to be a good friend and sees me as a "little sister," but then, when I reach out and offer to do something nice for him, or just want to spend time, I get the wall of silence - like unreturned text messages and phone calls (like once a week), or avoidance at the office.

 

He said he wanted to travel to California with me for my birthday a few days, yet when it came time to commit the money a couple of weeks before, he "disappeared." Then he seemed offended after I returned, know that I took another good friend of mine with me. I didn't even give him any crap about it, though I certainly felt like it.

 

This back and forth has been going on for months. Still we see each other everyday, though there's more distance, but it remains cordial. It seems he's perfectly content to engage me when it's convenient for him, and while I enjoy his company when this happens, I feel kind of used. When we do talk, he dominates the conversation and listens little, either about me or about the advice that he asks me for about his own slightly frenetic life. He tends to complain that many, but not all, of his friends, some of whom are "in the life," are superficial, expect too much, and give too little. He says some judge him more harshly now because he's gained weight and is over 40.

 

Yet I see on Facebook and elsewhere that he has no problems "festing" with these same folks, or helping to save them from themselves in some way. Fine, that's his business, but here I am, a friend who accepts him for who he is, and I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I'm trying to give him a chance, but I don't even feel like waiting around for his next "appearance" to tell him that this behavior is killing the vibe. As an introvert, it's not easy doing the emotional miner's work to cultivate rich, long-lasting friendships. I've had so-called friends treat me like this before, though some years ago, so I've developed surgical precision in cutting people off once I'm done. He's tap dancing on that edge of no-man's land, here. What would you recommend?

Signed,
Ella

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Ella:

It sounds like you had a really close and easy relationship with your friend, which was especially important to you at a time when you were having so many difficulties at work. So I can understand your disappointment when such a satisfying and significant relationship suddenly changes and your friend becomes mercurial, distant, and not very reliable.

 

I suspect that something (or a series of things) has transpired in his life that he hasn't told you about; he, himself, may not even be consciously aware of what's happening. You mention that he's gained weight, is drinking too much, and is making inappropriate late-night calls. He's feeling judged by others and feels like the people around him are letting him down. He's just reached his 40th birthday, which may be a time when he's assessing what he's accomplished in his own life. He may be depressed.

 

You need to talk to him and communicate your concerns about him and your friendship. Let him know how these changes are affecting your relationship and that you feel badly about it. This will open the door for him to talk to you more openly if he chooses to---if not, at least he will think about what you have told him.

 

I know this has to hit you particularly hard because you have invested a lot of yourself in the relationship but it sounds like the issues have more to do with him than with you, per se. If you can't communicate, he may just need some time to struggle with what's bothering him and come out the other end.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

 

Have a question about friendship? Send it to The Friendship Doctor: Irene@TheFriendshipBlog.com

I hope you're surrounded by the warmth of family and friends---near and far---and that you are thankful for the bounty at your table.

 

Thanks for visiting my blog and enriching my understanding of friendship.

 

Irene

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I have been reading the questions and answers on your website and finding them very helpful. I thought I would write and ask my own question. I have a friend with whom I'm currently going through a break up.

 

For a year or so, she's either ignored me or shut me out when she is going through something hard or is cross about something. I decided not to be close to her anymore as I find it too painful to be ignored for months on end and then treated like nothing has happened.

 

My dilemmas: We go to the same church, which is small so I see her every week. I try to say hello. Sometimes she will speak to me. Other times, she ignores me and I feel hurt all over again. How should I act around her?

 

Also our sons are good friends and haven't been spending much time together as we are not visiting each other's homes any more. I don't think it's fair to let our problems come between our sons' friendship (they are only 5), but having play dates would seem weird to me and I'm not sure what to do about this.

 

We have been friends for the past ten years and I'm having issues letting go so I feel guilty and think she is just reacting to me not being so friendly with her.What do you suggest about our son thing and how to just move on when I see her every week?

Thanks
Sheila

ANSWER

Dear Sheila:

If this situation has been going on for about a year, I presume that you've tried to talk to your friend about it without any satisfactory resolution. You really have no choice but to move on.

 

Breaking up is never easy but if you've truly decided the relationship is over, the answers to your questions are straightforward:

 

1) Always say hello and act cordially at church, regardless of your friend's response. You live in the same community and will invariably see one another. if you take the high road, you'll be able to feel good about it.

 

2) In terms of your kids, at the age of 5, parents still determine friendships. Given your current relationship with your once-friend, I'd advise against setting up play dates for your sons. You're right. It would be too uncomfortable.

 

Like most breakups, yours isn't simple---especially because children are involved as well. It reminds me of another breakup question I recently answered. In that instance. too, a friend withdrew without explanation when she was besieged by personal problems. When this happens, it leaves the abandoned friend feeling helpless and hurt. Since your situation with your friend is recurrent, you need to find other friends who are more stable and predictable. You've tried to be there for her over and over and she has only rebuffed you.

Hope this is helpful,

Irene

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

I, too, have recently had a friendship break up with my bf. We both had a stressful year, I lost my job and she has had various stresses. She told me I was too intense, despite the fact that I tried not to call or ask her to go out too often. If I ever upset her, she went hysterical calling me names and screaming at me over the slightest thing.

 

I miss her terribly and told her so and that I could not stop thinking about her, like an obsession. However, my feelings are that of love for a friend nothing more. We are both happily married with kids. I think she misunderstood what I meant and is now completely ostracizing me-despite telling me she missed me too.

 

Is it normal to feel like this, so sad and unhappy that someone is no longer in your life? I'm very confused why I can't stop thinking about her. Our kids go to school together and it's making life very uncomfortable.

Signed,

Anonymous

 

ANSWER

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry that you're reeling from your loss and, yes, it's normal to feel that way when you lose a close friend. You took a risk and told your friend how much your relationship meant and she didn't reciprocate. In fact, she pushed you further away. Making it harder, she's someone you have to worry about bumping into at your child's school.

 

It sounds like both you and she have been under considerable stress and that the relationship had become quite volatile before this split. You both need a break from that intensity which probably wasn't fun for either of you.

 

You have less reason to be embarrassed that she does. Be cordial if you bump into her and say hello but don't build your life around hers. There may be more going on with her than you know about.

 

Try to put the relationship on indefinite hold and stop thinking about it. Spend time with your family and other friends. If you need support, it might even be a good time to read my book ☺---and don't be surprised if she comes back to you when her life calms down.

Best,
Irene

QUESTION

Dear Irene:

My BFF from high school and I were so tight--even beyond our school years. We never had a falling out or a fight, just suddenly stopped talking a few years ago. I friended her on Facebook recently. She friended me back...and then, total silence on both our parts for many, many months.

 

It's awkward. I still do care about her dearly. So strange to look at her life without me in it in any way. She feels like a stranger. Was it wrong to request her friendship on Facebook before clearing the air? Should I let more time pass? Make the first move? Any advice you can share about a failed friendship and Facebook would be very helpful!

Janene

ANSWER

Dear Janene:

During the high school and college years, women (and men) change tremendously as they begin to mature and pursue their life goals, both personal and professional. Because so much change takes place, it's common for friendships, even very close ones, to fall apart as lives and interests diverge.

 

Since you friended your BFF on Facebook and she responded, there must still be some warm feelings between you. But they may be based on shared history alone rather than based on a connection between the two people you have become.

 

She has become somewhat of a stranger to you now as you are to her. Why don't you send her an email or private message on Facebook and tell her a little bit about your life since you last knew each other? You can mention that you think of her dearly. See if she responds.

 

But please don't think of the friendship you had as one that failed. It worked for that period of time. And don't have unrealistic expectations of picking it up where you left it because it may or may not work now.

 

In any case, you have little to lose by reaching out and trying.

Best,
Irene

 

This blog post originally appeared on the Long Island Exchange relationship blog of Janene Mascarella.

You may not be able to picture yourself in a relationship like that of Wendy and her college friend Daphne but in the larger-than-life caricatures of two quintessential New Yorkers, novelist Lucinda Rosenfeld captures the essence of many close female friendships.

 

Daphne Uberoff is stunningly beautiful and has all the trappings of material success; Wendy Murman is a struggling magazine writer, with fertility problems and a slacker husband. As the gap between the two women widens, the jealousy and envy that Wendy harbors grows so extreme that it becomes corrosive.

 

I'm So Happy For You (Back Bay Books, 2009) portrays a less than perfect relationship between best friends that falls short of the romanticized notion we usually read about in novels. As often happens in real life, the huge fissures in this friendship are varnished over with the protective glue of shared history and experiences; the predictability of personalities (despite their peccadilloes); and with having friends and acquaintances in common. In such circumstances, no matter how bad or disappointing a relationship becomes, it's hard to let go.

 

In this breezy, light-hearted and engaging read, Rosenfeld aptly drives home the point that when it comes to best friends, these relationships aren't always as they appear to be.

 

 

'Friendship by the Book' is an occasional series of posts on this blog about books that offer friendship lessons. To read other posts in the series, use the search function on the right side of the page.

The role of being a stepparent can be challenging. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.

 

Can a stepparent be a "friend" with a birth parent?

It depends on the situation and the situations are so mixed that this is a tough question to answer. If there was never a marriage between the birth parents or they had a very happy divorce and are still friendly with one another, it makes a stepparent being friendly with a birth parent a little easier for everyone.

If there is animosity, however, or potential for one parent to be manipulating another then it is a slippery slope. Being "friends" and being "friendly" are quite different. Friends also have the potential to get in arguments more than those who are simply friendly to one another. The problem with arguing with a friend about something unrelated to your stepparenting role is that it will probably take a toll on your relationship as parent/stepparent, and that is a relationship you really need to protect for the sake of the child. So, you might want to keep it "friendly", and not become BFFs until the child is old enough to be out of the house and on his or her own!

 

Can a stepparent be a friend with and adolescent or adult child?

Adult, potentially - If you became the stepparent to child who is already a mature adult, you may be more of a friend figure anyway. You are not going to be disciplining your stepchild, or making major life decisions for her so having more of a friendship won't confuse the adult stepchild.

It could still get hairy, however, if you have an argument with your stepchild since you can't really cut ties if necessary. Your stepchild will be your stepchild whether or not you are friends. You don't want an argument that could potentially disrupt your family unit in anyway, so you would still have to proceed in friendship with that in mind.

As far as boundaries go, telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets is out the window - unless you don't mind your spouse finding out and your stepchild doesn't mind risking her parent finding out! Keep in mind, your friend might be interested in intimate details about your relationship with your partner - your stepchild probably isn't!! As far as a friendship, proceed with caution and be aware of the dangers and boundaries.

Friends with your adolescent stepchild? No way. You are a parental figure. Adolescents need guidance and to know that they are safe when in your care. They don't need adult friendships from stepparents; they need strong supportive adults!

 

What are some of the landmines a stepparent faces with her stepchild's friends' parents who were friends of the birth mother?

The possibilities are daunting: She may have aired all your dirty laundry and then some to the other parents. The other parents might want to be gossipy and get you talking about the birth mother. The other parents may have chosen "a side" without even hearing your side.

The best thing to do in this situation is remain courteous, don't bad mouth the birth mother, and appreciate that these folks have a history with her, and to them you are "new" or "an outsider". Keep in mind, this is probably less about them not liking you and more about them feeling loyalty to the birth mother. If you act respectfully people will form their own opinions (it may take a LONG time) and eventually realize that you are just fine!

 

Any other thoughts about friendship and stepparenting, Erin?

Friendship is tough, at times, no matter how great the friendship. People go through different stages in life that can really throw a wrench into a friendship. I have always been friendly with my stepson's birth mother - not friends - but I would say we have grown a bit closer since I had my own son, and my stepson is away at college. We recently took pictures of my son and her daughter (my stepson's half siblings) together in their Halloween costumes as a surprise for him. So although we won't be hanging out with one another or chatting on the phone, we love my stepson enough to put our differences aside to assure that he feels that he has a loving family to come home to no matter which house he stays in!

 

Erin Munroe is a licensed mental health counselor, school adjustment counselor, school guidance counselor, and proud stepmother of her nineteen-year-old stepson. She lives in Braintree, Massachusetts and completed her MA in behavioral medicine and mental health counseling from Boston University School of Medicine. She currently works for the Boston Public Schools and holds a part-time position at a confidential teen-clinic, where she provides counseling to at-risk adolescents.

 

* DISCLOSURE: The Friendship Doctor (me) served as a technical reviewer for Erin's book, which I thought was extremely practical and thorough!

QUESTION

Hi Dr. Levine,

I just had an argument with my best friend of about a year and a half. We go to law school together and are usually inseparable. She recently got out of a relationship that ended badly and, as a result, she's taken a zero-tolerance approach to dealing with people.

 

I recently started seeing someone who is a mutual friend. My new boyfriend and she don't see eye to eye so if my boyfriend would call, I wouldn't call her to join us---to avoid a conflict.

 

For the last three days, she hasn't called or texted me which I find odd since we speak every day. She said I ditch her for guys and that she's tired of dealing with me and feels our friendship is dead. When I started dating my last boyfriend, she says I would make plans without her as well. She said she's felt that way for a while and has just kept quiet about it. She is livid.

 

I tried to explain but she says I only make excuses. By the end of our conversation, she said she will see how things go for now, but she is unsure that I am capable of repairing my mistakes.

 

What can I do to show her that I never meant to ditch her or offend her in any way and I value our friendship? I always tell her I love her as if she was my sister and I'm very upset that she feels this way. Please help!

Signed,
Claire

 

ANSWER

Dear Claire:

Even though you are best friends, while it would be nice, it doesn't necessarily mean that your boyfriend has to get along with your friend (or vice versa). You also shouldn't have to sacrifice one relationship at the expense of the other.

 

You don't say what explanation you gave her, but if you have broken appointments with her (particularly at the last minute) to see your boyfriend or failed to support her when she needed you, she would be justified in feeling disappointed and hurt. Or maybe you should have been more explicit in explaining why you didn't invite her to join you.

 

Alternatively, you may have done everything right but since your girlfriend is still reeling from her recent breakup, she may be more edgy than usual and be prone to blow small slights out of proportion.

 

In either case, here are my suggestions:

• Apologize for any hurt you may have caused her.

• Let her know how important your friendship is to you that you want to support her during this difficult time.

• Tell her it's okay that she and your boyfriend don't get along and that one relationship isn't exclusive of the other.

• Explain that there will be times when you will be spending time with your boyfriend, but that you will make time for her as well. Have a candid discussion about ways you can incorporate each other into your lives comfortably.

 

If you have already done all of this, you may need to wait a little bit longer until she can hear your. Perhaps, writing your sentiments in a nice card would help.

Best,

Irene