Month of October , 2009

It's not unusual for platonic relationships to turn into something different or something more. Whenever this happens, regardless of gender, it can lead to misunderstandings if both people aren't on the same page. When two female friends are involved, the potential awkwardness is compounded exponentially because the experience is less common and less talked about.

 

I was pleased when my colleague Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a regular contributor to Redbook Magazine who has developed a loyal following as Dr. Romance, agreed to share some practical advice for women who find themselves involved in such a situation. Tina is a psychotherapist, author of Gay Relationships: How To Find Them, How To Improve Them, How To Make Them Last, and has written twelve other books on relationships.

 

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What should a woman do if she begins having sexual feelings for a female friend who isn't gay and who is involved in a heterosexual relationship? Should she express her feelings or squelch them?

A. DR. ROMANCE

I would never recommend approaching someone who is already in a relationship. Even if she does reciprocate your feelings, let her get disentangled from her current relationship (straight or gay) first. It's not a good idea, at any time, to begin a relationship with someone who is ‘taken' - if that person would leave her partner to be with you, what do you think she'd do if she were in a relationship with you? You'll never be comfortable with that. Instead, find a coming out group, a counselor, or another gay person to talk to. You need to sort out your feelings before any relationship will work.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

If two women have been involved sexually, is it possible to downgrade the relationship to a friendship without sex? Under what circumstances?

A. DR. ROMANCE

It's just as possible to convert from sexual relationship to friendship with same-sex pairings as it is with opposite sex pairings. It's complicated, it only goes smoothly if both parties want to cool it (which is not the usual case) and it takes a lot of talking and patience on the part of both people. Some couples need to break completely and wait a while, months or years, before they can be friends.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What if a girlfriend begins to say and do things that make a woman feel uncomfortable (e.g. touching her in suggestive ways, acting extremely jealous of her relationships with men)? How should the straight woman handle it?

A. DR. ROMANCE

Tell her she is making you uncomfortable. If she won't respect your feelings, give her an ‘adult time out.' That is, retreat to a polite (be polite, or it won't have impact) distance, not sharing any emotional closeness or friendship with her. When she asks you why, you can repeat that her advances are unwelcome. If that doesn't work, drop her as a friend. You can't be close with someone who doesn't respect your feelings.

On the other hand, if you feel a positive response to her, and what's making you uncomfortable is the idea of being lesbian, then it's important for you to sort out your homophobia first, with a counselor or coming out group.

Q. THE FRIENDSHIP DOCTOR

What other problems might arise between two female friends, one gay and the other not?

A. DR. ROMANCE

If one is homophobic, and doesn't accept the other friend's sexual orientation, that is bound to be a problem between them. Otherwise, the only problems that will arise are the usual problems between any two female friends. That is, you might hurt each other's feelings, get caught in a lie, or be jealous of each other's happiness. Any time one of you treats the other badly, drops an appointment because of a ‘better offer' or borrows money irresponsibly, there could be trouble. If your friend is in an abusive relationship, you might be worried about her. Many things can go wrong in any friendship. At least, the two of you won't be competitive over the same man!

 

When I surveyed more than 1500 women for my new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, I discovered that most of them have an extraordinarily difficult time ending their friendships, even very toxic ones. It's not surprising. Like divorce, the potential losses can be staggering, extending well beyond the friendship per se.

 

That's because when two women are close, they tend to draw others into their circle: family members, neighbors, co-workers, and other friends. For example, if you're best friends with your neighbor, the chances are pretty good that your school-age children are friends, too. The kids may even be the raison d'être for the friendship. If you end your friendship, what repercussions will it have on them? Will they still feel comfortable having play dates? How will you feel when you see your ex-friend at a PTA meeting or on the soccer field?

 

If your friendship was centered in the workplace, there are also substantial risks of collateral damage. If you break off with a colleague, will you lose her support on work matters? Will you feel uncomfortable if you're assigned to work on the same project team or each time you pass her in the hall? Will other people around you, who knew how close you once were, feel awkward or ask questions? Might she say something that would irreparably impugn your reputation? If your ex-friend is in a supervisory role, could it pose a threat to your employment?

Any breakup extends beyond the two people directly involved. The longer and the closer the friendship, the more ties and connections there are to worry about: You may have introduced your friend to your other friends, to your extended family, or to other business associates. She's probably become a significant part of your little corner of the world.

 

So when you weigh the pros and cons of ending a friendship, don't overlook the possible side effects of the breakup and take them into account in making your decision. If you ultimately decide to proceed, do everything you can to mitigate the damage:

• Leave gracefully without harsh words or recrimination. Treat your ex-friend with respect simply because she once was your friend.

• Let her down easily by distancing yourself gradually. Perhaps, you can cut back on your time together from once a day to once a week, or you can downgrade a close friendship to a more casual one.

• Try to make it easier for the people around you by communicating what's happening, if appropriate, without going into details.

 

Admittedly, no two friendships are the same nor are the circumstances surrounding a breakup, but going about it with forethought, understanding and sensitivity helps everyone better adjust to the loss.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm 28 years old and a TV journalist. About 3 years ago, I met another female reporter to whom I took an instant liking and we became close friends. At the outset, I felt deeply for her and she grew to like me, too. We hung out together, vacationed together, and I loved doing things for her. Although we had disagreements, there was no professional rivalry or backstabbing between us.

 

I lost my parents in 2007 and 2009. My mistake was that I lied to her about something, which I subsequently covered up with more lies. This lie went on for nearly two years. Initially, my friend was only curious about the lie but began asking a series of questions. When she asked to meet with me on September 1, I sensed something was amiss and dreaded losing her friendship. She was the most important person in my life.

 

When we met, my friend told me what she had uncovered and I owed up to my huge blunder! She was deeply dejected and told me that I was the darkest person she had ever met, now her worst enemy. She said she didn't want to have anything else to do with me and wants me out of her life. When I lost my dad on September 7th, I desperately wanted to speak with her but she didn't want to and accused me of taking advantage of my dad's death.

 

This friend had been the fulcrum of my existence. From that day on, I've apologized repeatedly but it all seems in vain. She even told me if I don't stop instant-messaging her, she'll involve the police. She says I'm nothing but a bagful of lies and she can't stand me!

 

The lies didn't involve sleeping around with anyone's partner or loss to anyone's life, limb, property, career, or reputation! But, yes, I wounded her emotions deeply. I created something that didn't exist so she could like me more. I knew it was wrong at the beginning but it was something that made her feel good about herself and she really got invested in the lie. By that time, I was trapped in a web of unintended consequences. I'm not a habitual liar and have never done anything like that before.

 

My worst fear has come true: My friend has abandoned me because of my horrible blunder and despite my sincerest apologies. She means the world to me, Irene, and I had come to depend on her so much. I feel no animosity towards her, and I've told her I would do whatever it takes to make it up to her. I'm desperate for reconciliation and for her forgiveness! Do you think it's possible given the facts and circumstances of the case? What should I do?

Best
Hannah

 

ANSWER

Hi Hannah:

Even though your lies may have been well intended, they caused great hurt to your friend and my sense is that they have irreparably destroyed your relationship. Since your multiple apologies have fallen upon deaf ears, you have no choice but to step back and give your friend the time and space she needs to recover from this trauma. You need to understand that she may not ever be able to forgive you.

 

If you can come to understand why you needed to create this lie, I'm sure that you will have learned something about yourself and avoid something like this from happening again in the future.

 

You probably need some time to heal, too, but you will get over her.

My best,
Irene

 

For my blog readers who live in the NY metropolitan area whom I haven't yet met in person, I thought you might like to tune in this Sunday morning at 7:00AM to Christine Nagy's weekly show, Get Connected

 

New York 106.7 FM Radio

Also available for download as a podcast

 

"This week on Get Connected our guest will be Dr. Irene Levine, psychologist, professor at NYU Medical School, and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. Dr. Levine will focus on women's friendships and why they are such an integral part of women's lives, also knowing when it's time to move on from a friend and how to do that."

Even though technology enables women to connect online, it can't substitute for the face-to-face friendships that steep over a cup of tea or a conversation about a good book. Local book groups (also called reader groups) offer women an opportunity to get together in a cozy setting to talk, to think, to feel, and to engage with one another on many different levels. Book groups provide far more than just the opportunity to read a book: They're forums where friendships, both close and casual, are made and nurtured.

 

"What we've discovered these past two years is that book groups are to reading what slow food is to the food industry, blogged Joan Gelfand, President of the National Women's Book Association on The Huffington Post. "In this fast paced world, book groups give people a chance to connect, join in community and listen and learn in intimate environment," she added.

 

Adding a Reader's Group Guide to the end of my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Breakup with Your Best Friend, wasn't an afterthought. It seemed integral to the book's purpose: to stimulate an ongoing dialogue between friends and among women about the nature of our relationships.

 

Novelist Joanne Rendell, author of The Professors' Wives' Club and Crossing Washington Square (Penguin) recently interviewed me on the topic of The Secret Lives of Women and their Book Groups for her blog in The Huffington Post. A portion of the interview is reprinted below:

 

JOANNE:

Book groups are predominantly a female phenomenon. Why do you think this is the case?

 

IRENE:

Women will use any excuse to get together with other women. Whether it's a trip to the nail shop, a gym class, or a book group, women seize upon opportunities to be together to share feelings and emotions. What better stimulus than a good book, fiction or non-fiction, to get the conversation rolling, and the commitment to a book-group to provide an excuse for a regular girls' night out? Book groups offer women a chance to take what might be a solitary hobby -- reading -- and use it to nurture friendships.

 

JOANNE:

How are books and book groups good for female friendships, in your opinion? Can they be bad? Any advice for women starting a book group with friends?

 

IRENE:

Sometimes your friendships get into a rut because you're so used to ruminating about what's wrong with your friend's life or yours -- after all, that's what friends are for. But a book group offers a prop (the book) that stimulates new ideas to talk about and creates a larger circle of friends with whom you can share feelings. It is also often easier to talk about fictional characters in a book than it is to talk about our selves.

You might learn new and fascinating things about other women's interests or life experiences from reading a book together. With a book as a talking point, you'll cover ground and topics you hadn't thought to cover with your friend in organic conversation. Importantly too, it takes many young mothers out of the 24/7 "mommy" role so they can talk to each other as adults.

Then again, books and book groups can be as divisive as politics. People may argue about what genre to read, how much time should be allotted for small talk, or what to do about the member who always comes late and never has time to read the book.

Just like friendships, no book group is perfect. Conflicts and disagreements are to be expected and need to be worked through. And by doing so, relationships are strengthened. It's important to maintain a lively mix of conversation that is both breezy and cerebral, with wine, cupcakes or hot cocoa around to lighten the mood in case the conversation gets too heated!

Just as a certain chemistry is essential to forge a friendship between two people, it is important to make sure that members will coalesce as a group. You want a mix of people: some who talk more and some who talk less. Nothing is as destructive to to the group as a member with an irritating personality who doesn't quite fit in. In fact, as a precaution, you might invite someone for a "tryout" before you commit to adding a new individual.

 

JOANNE:

Any tips on how to deal with a book group break up?

Members of a book group can become quite attached to each other. In fact, the composition of the group may even be predicated on existing friendships, either close friends or acquaintances. But just like friendships among women, book groups (and writers' groups) are dynamic. Individuals are constantly changing and they may change in different directions. Other commitments come up, people go through personal angst, and have more or less time in their lives for each other as life proceeds through such stages as marriage, motherhood, career changes, and divorce or widowhood. There may no longer be a central core to hold the group together.

For these reasons, members should expect a somewhat changing cast of characters and be on the lookout for new participants (friends-to-be) to add to the mix. They also must come to terms with the reality that not all book groups last forever! And if the group survives, but you are catapulted from the group, you may want to assess why before you join another one.

 

If you live close enough, I would love to discuss the possibility of meeting with your book group. If you live further, Skype can come to the rescue! Contact me at Irene@IreneLevine.com to find out how I can participate in your book group.

 

 

 

QUESTION

 

Dear Irene,

I recently spoke with a good friend of almost 20 years with whom I went to high school. Essentially, she wants to get married and have kids. Recently, she met a guy who is twice divorced with two children. That's a lot of baggage---even my friend will admit that.

They met at a restaurant/bar and had their first date last week. All was going well until he dropped a bomb on her. He told her his second ex-wife was living at his house because he needed the income, but assured her they have no interaction. My friend asked me if I thought this was a deal-breaker. I directly told her that is a very awkward situation and asked why he needs to have his ex-wife renting a room at his place that he could rent out a room to anyone. After talking a bit, she said she was going to talk to him directly about this situation.

Well this morning, she sent me another email saying they had a candid conversation and he assured he had no feelings toward his ex-wife. My friend has decided to give this guy a chance. While I am glad he has been honest with her, I think she is getting herself into a risky situation. My issue is she has been hurt so many times from poor relationship decisions. I know she's an adult and she is the one who has to live with her decisions but I'm tired of hearing about it. I told her she needs to be careful but it's her choice.

It frustrates me when friends ask for advice, then do the opposite of what I tell them and want me to feel sorry for them from the consequences. I have seen her in so many situations like that. I feel bad thinking that way about my friend, but can't help it. I am not getting involved, because I don't want to put our friendship on the line. How do I handle a friend who makes bad relationship decisions without ending the friendship?

Signed,
Liza

 

ANSWER

 

Dear Liza:

Sometimes it's hard to fathom why our friends make the decisions they do but in this instance, you know that your friend is eager (or perhaps, overly-eager) to marry and mother so her motivation to nab a guy is high while her threshold for acceptable candidates may be low.

But maybe you need to give this time. They've only known each other for a week and she isn't marrying him yet. She may conclude next week that he's not for her. Or he may turn out to be a perfect match (despite his rap sheet) and evict his ex-wife.

It's virtually impossible for outsiders (friends or parents, for example) to understand exactly why two lovers connect. Hopefully, things will work themselves out one way or the other without her getting terribly disappointed.

You've done what you can do as a friend: You've offered her an honest dose of your own sense of reality but what's that saying about, "You can lead a horse to water...?" Your friend has to reach her own conclusions on her own timeline. And if she makes bad choices repeatedly, all you can do is point that out to her too.

In terms of your friendship, how annoying has this pattern become to you? Does it outweigh the bonds and shared history of a 20-year friendship? Or maybe you just need a break while she finds herself.

Best,
Irene

 

 

 

Parent Talk Today features information about any topic that might be on a parent's mind---including friendships! I was delighted when blogger Kathy Sena asked me to post a guest blog for her readers. See my guest post: Junior High Redux - Bounced From a Mom's Group

Do your friends ever make you feel this way? Whine away!

Megan McMorris is a Portland-based freelance writer who is the editor of a new anthology, P.S. What I Didn't Say: Unsent Letters to Our Female Friends (Seal Press). I had the opportunity to read a review copy of this clever book, which I enjoyed immensely. Each of its chapters takes the form of a letter to a friend, contributed by a talented group of female writers. I was delighted to pose some questions to Megan about her own friendships and to learn more about the back story of the book.

 

Megan, what inspired you to put this book together?

The book came together from a combination of things that were going on in my life. I had a friendship fallout with someone I felt was constantly belittling me in a subtle way (you know what I mean, right? It would definitely fit into the category of "toxic friendships" that you talk about in YOUR book!) and it made me think about why women put up with so much from their friends sometimes-and it made me really treasure those who I know are my true friends. So I thought, what a great idea to have a book about female friendships, but in a letter format. Kinda that "letter you always wanted to send" to your friend (or frenemy) that you've had percolating in your mind down to the last sentence but have never actually hit the "send" button (or sealed the envelope) on!

 

What are your thoughts about why women hold back in expressing their real feelings about their friends?

That's an interesting question. I notice that with my guy friends, they will say things to each other that women would NEVER say to each other. (Or, if they do, it causes a rift that can sometimes never be repaired.) That's why I enjoy having guy friends too-for example, my friend Pete used to have these incredibly (in my mind) dorky glasses and I was just about to suggest to the guy that we go eyeglass shopping together (he literally got Lasics not one week after I was about to suggest it so the point was moot, but I still tell him "thank God you got rid of those things, dude!") Would I ever suggest that to a female friend? Probably not, because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings (or have her resent me). That said, I do try to be as honest as I can with my female friends, but there's just a little more subtle nature to it. So to answer your question, I just think in general (obviously I'm grossly generalizing) guys are used to being more direct and women can tiptoe around issues. But heck, I'm not a professional like you are, I would love to hear YOUR take on just this topic! ☺

 

When you solicited letters from writers, what was the response like?

The response was really illuminating, actually! I had so many of the writers tell me "Oh my God, I've always wanted to tell my friend X" and it's like they'd always carried around this "unsent letter" (or e-mail) in their head. It was surprising to me, and it really created a community feel between myself and the 35 contributors. I heard from a lot of contributors that it was therapeutic to get it down in writing too, and some have even sent their letter to the friend. (Stay tuned for podcasts on my website where I'll be interviewing contributors about their letters!)

 

Why did you select the story about Diane as your contribution to the book---someone with whom you never became BFFs?

You know, when I first read that question, I was thinking "But wait, Diane IS one my best friends!" But no, you're right, in fact in my childhood, Andy was my twin-in-crime (we looked a lot alike, and we'd even plan out what we'd wear sometimes to Junior High, Esprit sweatshirts and Calvin Klein jeans down to our topsider shoes, ha ha!). Diane was always one of the group, but had another "best friend". And while I'm still very much just as close with Andy (and our other friend from growing up, Heather), there was something about Diane that made for such an interesting story, because it's a story about our friendship growing over time-literally from kindergarten through nearing 40, I feel closer to her now than I ever have. I could have filled a book with the fantastic friendships I have (including Andy, Heather and Anne Marie my best bud from college) but I just thought Diane and my story made for a more interesting letter for the purposes of this book.

 

In editing the book, what did you learn about female friendships?

That I'm not alone-I felt like I could relate with nearly each letter in some way. I've had the gamut of tried-and-true friendships that have spanned over 30 years, to situational friends who fade over time, to unfortunately those who really aren't looking out for your best interests (those are the sneaky ones, which your book will really help readers decipher and deal with!).

 

Megan is also the editor of Cat Women: Female Writers on Our Feline Friends and Woman's Best Friend: Women Writers on the Dogs in Our Lives (both books also published by Seal Press). She's written for magazines such as Woman's Day, Real Simple, Every Day With Rachael Ray, SELF, Parents, and many others.

Her websites are www.meganmcmorris.com and her book website is www.psanthology.wordpress.com where you'll find excerpts and a book trailer.

 

 

Friendship by the Book is a series of occasional posts on this blog that focus on books about friendship.  

 

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

Five years ago, my girlfriend stopped communicating with me. I found out later on from my sister that my friend's husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer and I wasn't there for her.

The only reason I wasn't there was I did not know. Her daughter told me that I had been e-mailed about the situation but I never received the e-mail that I know of. And if she really needed me why didn't she call on the phone?

 

I have tried repeatedly to contact her and apologize. I have tried calling, sent cards and letters, and I have tried going by her business several times, unsuccessfully. I have even talked to her husband, who by the way is now cancer-free, and he said he had no idea how to win her back.

 

We were friends since we were four-years-old and to lose her after 40 years hurts deeply. Can I win her back, or is it hopeless?

Signed,
Angelina

 

 

ANSWER

Dear Angelina:

The loss of longtime friendship is extraordinarily painful---especially, when someone is dumped and the decision has been so one-sided.

 

Misunderstandings are common among friends---a better measure of a friendship is how often these occur and how we get over them. Two friends need to be able to communicate to get over the inevitable rough spots. Having a long shared history ordinarily provides a foundation of trust that makes it easier to clear up relatively minor misunderstandings. This can be more difficult when someone is very upset and has recently experienced trauma or loss, as your friend did when her husband was diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease.

 

Emails are easily deleted, forgotten, and overlooked---so it is plausible that she sent it and you never saw it, or that she meant to send it and never did. Whatever the case, it is now five years later and your apologies have been met with an unexplained wall of silence. There must be some other fundamental problem going on with your friend, one that may or may not have anything to do with you. When behavior can't be explained, there's usually a missing piece of the puzzle that you don't know about.

 

You have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. Although this doesn't make the hurt any less painful, situations like this are not unusual and you need to reach closure on your own by continuing to build other solid friendships.

 

I hope this helps!

Sincerely,
Irene

Things just aren't the way they used to be between you and your BFF. Either you're bickering, bored or uptight when you're together. While you used to be attached at the hip, there's suddenly a wedge between you. What's a girl to do?

1) Assess what's going on between you

Try to think objectively and make sure that you really want to mend the friendship. Your latest tiff may just be a sign that the relationship has been doomed for a while. Have you simply outgrown each other? That's no one's fault. People change over time and not always in the same direction. Have the same problems recurred time after time? Maybe the bad chemistry or sense of imbalance between you has become so overwhelming that it is impossible to transcend. Or--- is it something that you think you might really be able to fix? If so, proceed to Tip 2.

2) Pinpoint what happened

If it is something you said or did, or something you didn't say or do---or if the problem was with her, talk about it. No friendship is perfect and each one has tiny kinks that need to be worked out. Communicating avoids little problems from escalating into big ones that can undermine a relationship.

3) Be the first to offer the olive branch

If you know you were in the wrong, take responsibility for your mistake. Tell your friend how important the relationship is to you and show her in some small but concrete way. Invite her to dinner or send her a card that says, "I'm sorry."

If she was in the wrong, practice forgiveness. Harboring resentment towards someone has a way of bouncing back like a boomerang to hurt you (including raising your blood pressure). Let go of the disappointment. Having a shared history should provide a strong foundation that allows a friendship to weather small hurts.

4) Step back after you've tried

Be sensitive to her response. Okay, you've been thinking about how you were going to handle this fiasco, for hours or maybe even weeks and months. But you just sprung your thinking on her and she may need time to mull it over. If her answer is "No way," accept it for the moment, give it some time, and try again. If she repeatedly blows you off, you may have to accept her decision and move on.

5) Don't necessarily view endings as a failure

Friendships have beginning and endings. Ones that last forever are more likely to be the topic of novels and television scripts (think Sex & The City). The women I surveyed for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, talked about even very close friendships having "expiration dates" and "shelf lives." And sometimes women breathe a sigh of relief after an ambivalent or toxic friendship is over.

Friendships are wonderful and life affirming. If we're lucky, each one provides us with new wisdom so they get better and better!