Month of September , 2009

After a tiff with your BFF, it's natural to get upset and ask yourself (or a third person), "What's wrong with her?" That's because it's much easier for all of us to recognize blemishes or faults in our friends than it is to look in the mirror.

But if you're finding that you're having frequent conflicts-either with the same person or with multiple friends-or that people who you thought were close friends often wind up dumping you, you have to consider whether there's something you are doing or saying that's sabotaging your own friendships.

Here are 5 possible signs of toxicity to watch out for:

1) Are you too needy? Are you always the one who asks to get together? Are you the one putting forth all the effort in the relationship? Friendships need to be reciprocal. Even an ideal relationship may not be balanced every day or even every year but there's a give-and-take that evens out over time. If you are constantly asking for attention, advice, support, time or even material favors from your friend, or are demanding more than they're able to handle, it's not unreasonable for them to grow weary of your neediness.

2) Are you too volatile? Do you blow-up each time things don't go your way or do you tend to hide your feelings until they spew out when they can no longer be contained? No one likes to be with a friend who is intense, unpredictable, and seething, or who is unwilling or unable to work out little problems (before they become big ones) by talking about them.

3) Are you too moody? Everyone has his or her ups and downs but it's difficult to be with a moody person no matter what the relationship. Are you always in the throes of depression? Are you so energetic to the point that you exhaust the people around you? If your moods seem too intense for others to bear or if your moods cycle rapidly, it may be off-putting.

4) Are you too blunt or invasive? Are you the type of person that always says what's on your mind and expresses every thought totally unvarnished? Do you probe and ask questions regardless of whether your friend is ready to answer them. Are you so pushy that you make friends squirm in their seats? Close friends need to be kind and respectful of each other's feelings, not say everything that comes to mind, and be sensitive to and responsive to the lines their friends draw around them.

5) Are you too insecure? Do your friends always make you feel one down to the point that you feel like you need to brag, lie or aggrandize your own situation? Do you hold back or feel too shy to talk, to disagree, or to set boundaries? Are you unable to talk about things that are important to you? If most people make you feel this way, you need to look inside and see how you can make yourself feel better.

If you have lost a friend or two in succession, it may not be anything to worry about. But if you begin to recognize a pattern of lost friendships, one after another, intermittently, or very often, it's time to take notice and at least consider the possibility that it's you, not her.

Too bad she didn't make it. I think she got side-tracked by the guy on her left!

My behind the scenes report

If you missed my book launch party on Sunday

 

What a wonderful day it was! There was every reason to celebrate. The weather in Chappaqua was glorious---perhaps the most beautiful day of the year. It was the long waited for launch day for my new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, coinciding with National Women's Friendship Day.

 

For my friend Donna and I, the morning began with a Bill Clinton "sighting." (That's what we townies call it when we see a glimpse of Mr. President. And yes, it still gives us goosebumps to see him). He was dressed in a beautiful long-sleeved blue shirt (no jacket) that happened to be a slightly lighter tone of my book cover (Do you think he knew?). His silver hair sparkled in the sun as he walked toward a petite French bistro called Jardin du Roi to meet with the Prime Minister of Australia.

 

But the real excitement was taking place around the corner at Donna Hair Design. Melissa Mancini from the nearby Border's in Mount Kisco arrived early with what seemed like a truckload of books and perched herself at the reception desk. The chosen venue for my launch had been transformed from a hair salon into a Tiffany blue and yellow-themed paradise.

 

You might question why I would want to have a book launch party in a beauty salon but the decision was entirely logical. It's right next to the vacant store front that once housed Second Story Books, the indie bookstore our town recently lost. And hair salons are one of the last bastions where women can literally let their hair down to tend and befriend! Donna Hair Design is a grand salon in the broader sense of the word, an inviting living room for women and Donna is one of my BFFs.

 

Before long, about 150 celebrants joined us. The room was filled with friends and relatives from every slice of my life: college friends, neighbors, colleagues who became friends at various jobs, my realtor, my son's first babysitter, my editor, my agent---well, you get the idea. It was awesome to see them all in one room celebrating friendship!

 

I want to express a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to join us and for all those who sent their well wishes for me and for my book. I felt surrounded by your warm hugs for days.

 

Irene's Book Party Day

A guest post from my friend and colleague, Margie Goldsmith

 

I board the train for Chappaqua from Manhattan, armed with my Google Maps walking directions. I find it a little strange that Irene's book party is being held in a beauty salon but hey - what do I know? (I later find out in Irene's speech that the store next door to the beauty parlor used to be a bookstore, which is where Irene WOULD have held it had the store still be around.) I walk down the street, festive with a bunch of helium balloons welcoming us into Donna Hair Design.

 

There is Irene, looking radiant with a beige jacket and some chunky gold necklace, a smile on her face as wide as Grand Central Station. I see about 15 people there and I greet Irene. At the front reception desk are cookies - yellow and turquoise, like the book cover. So I think, well this is sweet - a little book party in this sweet little reception room. I talk to Irene but her cousins come in so I move aside and then realize there is AN ENTIRE ROOM behind me, FULL of people and a huge spread of fruits and cookies and cakes and cheese and crackers and nuts and crudités - a table at least 12 feet long, so you can imagine that this is not a tiny room.

 

I don't see ONE sink or beauty station - it's a huge room OVERFLOWING with people. There must have been 150 people there, EASILY. I talked to Jerry (Irene's husband) and Boxer Boy, (Irene's son) who's VERY good looking and is living in Hell's Kitchen. A VERY HOT GENTRIFIED NYC ‘hood.

 

Irene introduces myself and Leslie Knowlton, a fellow ASJA writer (also thanked in acknowledgements along with us) to her editor (who looks 20 years old) and her agent, who is lovely. Both talk about how ASJA is such a great organization and how they found Irene there!!!! I cannot believe the amount of people there.

 

So Donna, the hair salon owner, gets up and speaks first - says she had done a blow-out for Irene today and they were going someplace together (I don't think I heard where), but suddenly Irene looks in a window at a restaurant, and WHO'S SITTING THERE? Bill Clinton! So Irene tells very shy Donna, "Go to him, here's a book! Invite him to my party!" Donna didn't want to do it, but Irene kept begging her, so finally Donna goes in and invites Clinton to the party. She said Clinton was as handsome as ever - Clinton wished them good luck - I think (Irene, correct my bad facts here), and then Donna handed him the book and said, "Your shirt is the exact same color of the book!" (remember, the book is turquoise).

 

Donna is effusive about Irene and what a great person she is. Then Irene gets up and thanks everyone for coming - she's really well spoken and needs NO media training! And she talks about all the people who are here - old friends, she's know this once since grade school, and this one since high school. I'm still in a state of shock that she even KNOWS 200 people who come to salute her.

 

And she thanks her editor (who proposed the idea of the book) and her agent, and all the people. (I forgot to say that among the candy was also a candy which was turquoise and yellow, like the bigger cookies of that color - I mean, this party was really classy). And then Jerry came up (he was to pick the tickets for the raffle). He said he'd been a ticket collector for his first job at the movies and he'd also called out bingo numbers, so he was suited to this task.

 

But what was AMAZING (there were about 6 or 8 door prizes) was that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who won, was a good friend of Irene's, and as that person came up to collect her prize, Irene told a story about how that person figured in her life and WHEN she did. I mean, it was REALLY moving.

 

So then I decided I better catch the next train otherwise there wasn't one for a full hour (and the party would have already been over), so I bought a book and took it to Irene to sign, but this was such a class act that it wasn't only a book I received: the book was put in a cloth bag with the imprint of the jacket, Best Friends Forever. And as if that wasn't generous enough - inside the bag was a little foam rubber heart in two pieces - one says "best" and the other "friend," plus two heresy kisses (which of course I ate immediately on the train), and some skin care products PLUS a kit of hair products - and mind you, BOTH of these gifts had been individually wrapped with ribbons. I mean, someone did an awful lot of work.

 

Celebrate National Women's Friendship Month
Post a note to your best friend and win a free autographed book

The official publication date of my new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend was carefully chosen. It is Sunday, September 20th, coinciding with National Women's Friendship Day. Celebrated on the third Sunday of September each year since 1999, this year, 34 states have signed on with Governors' proclamations endorsing women's friendship

The day is intended to provide an opportunity for women to recognize those friends who play important roles in their lives and to acknowledge how vital female friendships are to women's health and emotional well-being at every stage of life. "Our main goal is to encourage women to recognize the value of female friendship, something that is often taken for granted," says Melanie Schild, Executive Director of Kappa Delta Sorority, the creator of the holiday. "For this tenth anniversary of the day, we encourage women to celebrate the entire month of September."

Female friendships are unique relationships unlike any others. They aren't bound by any blood or legal ties. Rather, they are totally voluntary relationships that come without any instruction manual or rules of the road. Because women lead such busy lives balancing multiple roles at home and at work, these friendships often fall by the wayside as women deal with more pressing matters.

Until the end of September, Psychology Today is encouraging women to pause and take stock of their friendships by asking themselves the following:

• Do I have enough close female friends or do I need more?
• Among those I have, which friendships are important to me and worth keeping?
• Are there some I've neglected?
• How can I nurture the ones that I value?
• Are some consistently draining and unfulfilling? Can I mend them or should I end them?
• What opportunities can I seize to forge new friendships?

When you have completed your personal inventory, we hope you'll take action. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Plan a girls-only night out, a girls' night in, or weekend getaway
• Meet for brunch or dinner at a favorite restaurant
• Join with friends to participate in a 5K walk or other fundraising event for a good cause
• Organize a book club with female friends and acquaintances
• Reconnect with a friend from the past - Find her on Facebook and make the first call or send a card
• Send your female friends a positive, uplifting message to build their confidence

Psychology Today and my publisher, Overlook Press, are joining Kappa Delta Sorority to make this day even more significant in the lives of women. We encourage you to use the comments section on my Psychology Today blog to post a public note to one of your best female friends (in 250 words or less) explaining why you value her friendship.

The three best posts (chosen by Carlin Flora of Psychology Today, Juliet Grames of Overlook Press, and I) will receive a free autographed copy of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. (Be sure to include your email address so we can get in touch with you.)

In celebration of friendship,
Irene

GirlfriendCelebrations

September 17, 2009

 

Do you have a circle of girlfriends, or just wish you did? For many women, having a "circle of friends" is still a dream. Irene Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, explores the "circle" concept and offers her expert advice on how to grow your girlfriend circle. We're honored to have her guest post, written just for GirlfriendCelebrations. Find out how to win a copy of Irene's book below!

By Irene S. Levine, PhD (aka The Friendship Doctor)
The idea of a "circle of friends" isn't new. Beginning in the late 1800s, Amish women formed quilting circles to share expertise and companionship...

Click here to read the entire post.

 

1) Call, email, or get together with one or more of your best friends. Show and tell your friend how much you care. Don't wait until Sunday because by then, you may forget. Last night I attended a memorial service for a very dear friend (once my elementary school teacher!) whom I had known for most of my lifetime and I only wished that we had had one more hour to chat.

 

2) If you are a blogger, write a post about Friendship Day. (I'll be happy to help with a quote.) On this special day (which coincides with the pub date of my new book), write your own or repost one of my posts from www.TheFriendshipBlog.com (with attribution, of course).

Email me (Irene@IreneLevine.com) the URL of your post by Sunday midnight and my three favorites will receive 2 free copies of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (one for you and one for a best friend).

 

3) If you aren't a blogger but have a Facebook or LinkedIn page, please use your status box to remind your friends about Women's Friendship Day and cut and paste this note: "My friend, Irene S. Levine, has written a must-read book about female friendships. See: http://www.TheFriendshipBlog.com/book. Check it out."

 

4) If you Twitter, cut and paste this tweet: 9/20 is Women's Friendship Day. "Check out my friend Irene's new book on Amazon http://bit.ly/uZYj3 #BFF"

 

5) If you are reading this note, I hope that you are more than a virtual friend to me! If so, please email AT LEAST 5 of your best friends about my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Overlook Press). All of us have suffered the pain, at least once, of losing a best friendship that we thought would be forever. After spending two years thinking about female friendships and surveying more than 1500 women from all walks of life, I've learned that falling in and out love with best friends is universal.

 

Like me, haven't you always wondered about these complex but vital relationships that are so essential to a woman's physical and emotional well-being? What makes some friendships stick and others fall apart? How can you make myself a keeper? How do you move on if you've been dumped?

 

Just forward this note: "Sunday is National Women's Friendship Day. My friend, Irene S. Levine, has written a must-read book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. See: http://www.TheFriendshipBlog.com/book"

 

As you know, it's hard for a small author to get the word out these days without the help of friends---so I hope if you'll help. This is a one-time request, either because you have chosen to be my Facebook friend, LinkedIn friend, Twitter follower, or blog reader.

May you always be able to celebrate the joy of having close female friends who make a difference in your life!

Warm regards,
Irene

Nine years ago, novelist Adele Parks was dumped by her best friend of 20 years. In a recent essay published in the UK Daily Mail, Adele admits she still hasn't gotten over it completely. Whether you're 7 or 70, it's always painful to lose a best friend.

"Friendship is a form of mutual selflessness, an intricate and delicate exercise in give-and-take and trust-building, through which people who are not related become honorary family," she writes. So when such a special bond unravels, it is as painful as a divorce or even a death.

 

Read the rest of my post in The Huffington Post.

Nine years ago, novelist Adele Parks was dumped by her best friend of 20 years.

In a recent essay published in the UK Daily Mail, Adele admits she still hasn't gotten over it completely. Whether you're 7 or 70, it's always painful to lose a best friend.

"Friendship is a form of mutual selflessness, an intricate and delicate exercise in give-and-take and trust-building, through which people who are not related become honorary family," she writes. So when such a special bond unravels, it is as painful as a divorce or even a death.

 

Read the rest of my post in The Huffington Post.

Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend has hit the bookstores before its official pub date.

 

Displayed (See larger image) in the collage are the three winners of the BFF Labor Day Giveaway:

1) Denise Reynolds of Fort Lauderdale, Florida who placed a copy of the book on the non-fiction bestseller shelf at Barnes & Noble on Federal Highway.

2) Fred Osher of Rockville, Maryland who placed the book on the new paperback releases rack at Barnes & Noble on Rockville Pike.

3) Mickey Goodman of Marietta, Georgia who placed the book on display with its cover faced forward at the Barnes & Noble on Cobb Parkway in Atlanta.

It's great to have friends and fans across the country. I'd love to be able to post more pictures of BFF, the book, in prominent places!

 

Looking for a great way to celebrate Women's Friendship Month?

If you live in the San Francisco Bay area you can take a stab at speed-friending. Shasta Nelson, a relationship and transitions life coach, is the founder and spirit behind GirlfriendCircles.com, a new and vibrant community dedicated to introducing women and inspiring friendship in cities across this country.

When I learned about this event, I wanted to find out more about it so I interviewed Shasta:

What exactly is Speed-Friending?

Speed-friending is similar in concept to speed-dating in that it gives attendees a great chance to meet many people in a fast and structured way for the purpose of determining potential connection. At GirlFriendCircles.com, when we host these evenings, we only invite women who value friendship and are committed to not just meeting more people, but also following up with the ones that feel like possible friends!

So what does it look like? Walk me through the evening...

When the women arrive, there will be drinks and mingling while everyone checks in and then the real fun begins! GirlFriendCircles.com does our best to arrange the process in an intentional and meaningful way based upon some of the registration information so women are introduced in the groups we think might have the best fits. Every participant receives a map that tells the table to start with, where they'll join three other women. We'll ask a fun, easy and helpful sharing question and then each woman in the group will get two uninterrupted minutes to answer that question! After everyone has shared, there's a minute to write down notes and then the bell rings and people are off to the next table! We typically do this four times so each woman meets at least 12 new women. This process is incredibly effective for getting a feel for whether you want to know more! And we then help make those matches if they are mutual.

Why is GirlFriendCircles.com sponsoring this event?

Most of us crave more meaningful girlfriends in our lives but don't always know how to foster those friendships, or where to even meet other women who are also committed to expanding their circle of friends. It's amazing how much research just keeps revealing the significance our circle of friends has on our lives. It simply cannot be underrated. Having good girlfriends lowers our stress, enhances our moods, protects us from diseases, increases our self-confidence and actually even helps bring healing to our bodies. And most of us go through so many life changes and moves these days that we don't all live close to the friends that could best support our lives.

What is the appeal of Speed-Friending?

It's very much in alignment with how we foster friendships. We aren't big fans of small awkward talk, handing out business cards, or shaking hands through big crowds-it just takes too much energy and is often unfulfilling. But the other extreme of simply going online and browsing profiles can be pretty artificial and then you're left having to go out on a one-on-one, like a date! No thanks!

We love small groups, as it's more fun, safe and easy! And we're big fans of meaningful sharing where the shy among us don't have to stress about thinking what to say! So GirlfriendCircles.com members meet in ConnectingCircles in a neighborhood café with 2-5 other women and their time is structured around fun questions and equal sharing time so you can get a good sense of each other. Speed-friending, the way we do it, encompasses those values!

Do you have any experience with speed-friending or speed-dating that motivated you to give this a try?

I've loved the model when it's used in networking, job interviews and workshops where it gives participants the opportunity to be exposed to lots of options and to share in a structured way. I've found, for instance, in Chamber of Commerce events, that when the networking is guided for each person to give their blurb (as opposed to me having to go around a room, shake hands and ask lots of questions to try to get the same 2 minutes of information) that it takes much less energy and allows me to identify who I most want to connect with in more ways. The truth is that we're all drawn to some people more than others.

What makes you think you can really get a sense of a "friend" by first impressions?

I think that if I meet a dozen women, I will certainly feel a connection to some more than others. That is not to say that if I spent an hour with some of the others that I wouldn't like them too, but the truth is we can't all be friends with every person we meet. A judgment is made. Whether it's in 8 minutes (listening to her share, how she listens to others, her body language, personality, aura, etc.) or 2 hours over dinner- at some point we make decisions long before we can ever really know someone else. So we're not here to label someone as much as we are to simply get a sense of potential friends that we want to get to know more.

The second thing to remember is that we don't have to make perfect judgments. The joy of speed-friending, as opposed to speed-dating, is that you're not there with the pressure to find that "perfect one." Many of us want several new friends and are happy to have them all bring something different into our lives. We are, in some ways, way less picky about our friends than we are about ideal mate. We can step into the experience and simply decide whom we want to get to know more.

FOR THOSE IN THE BAY AREA:

The SF event is being held at ROE Restaurant & Lounge in San Francisco on Thursday, September 17 from 7-9 pm! Tickets purchasing and other info are online at: http://girlfriendcircles.eventbrite.com/

Visit www.GirlFriendCircles.com to follow Shasta on Twitter or Facebook, or to subscribe to her blog.